#*narrator voice* she was not even remotely fine but she was often good at lying to herself | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

yelena-bellova · 3 years

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Don’t Be Afraid: Poe Dameron x Solo!Reader - Chapter Thirty

Chapter Thirty: Party on Pasaana

Plot: Poe, Y/n, Finn, Rey and the rest of the gang journey to Pasaana to try and find the Wayfinder.

Series Masterlist

Warnings: none really

Word Count: 6.8k

A/N: I’M BACK! This is by no means my best or favorite chapter but it moves the story along and boy, is there a lot coming...Hopefully you’ve stuck around this long and if not, I’m not offended. Hope you enjoy!

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Despite the fact that I’d spent my day fixing the Falcon, me and Chewie still ran every diagnostic possible on it before even thinking about taking her up. She was too temperamental to be treated any differently.

“You know I love flying with you, but don’t feel like you’re obligated to come with, Chew,” I said, closing up the last panel on the underside of the ship, “This one isn’t going to be a simple supply run.”

Chewie groaned in protest at my offer to let him stay on base, reminding me of the promise he’d made to Dad. That he’d protect me and he didn’t intend to stop doing that anytime soon.

I conceded to the Wookiee and emerged from underneath the Falcon. I found Rey finishing her repairs as Poe stood nearby, patting her on the arm, “We’re going with you. Chewie, you get that compressor fixed?” “No, I did,” I answered, dusting off my hands on my pants. The two of us still hadn’t spoken since our fight earlier in the day. “What do you mean you’re coming with us?” Poe separated from Rey, revealing Finn and the droids behind him, and led me to the side of the Falcon. He kept space between us, probably because he didn’t know where we stood after our fight.

“Do you honestly think we’d let you guys take this on by yourselves?” he asked.

“Poe,” I shook my head, “Rey and I don’t even know what we’re walking into, I don’t want to throw you guys in the line of danger.” “So it’s too dangerous for me to risk my life but not you?” he asked with raised brows, wedging me between a metaphorical rock and a hard place, “Y/n, we’re a team. If one of us goes, we all go.” I hung my head in frustration, these were the type of situations that I hated the most. I couldn’t protect everyone, that had been made clear, and I certainly couldn’t justify to Poe why it was okay for me to charge headfirst into a fight but not him. Though I’d try every time, even if it was bound to end in failure.

“Fine,” I relented, shrugging and letting my hands fall against my legs, “But I’m flying us there.”

“Understood,” Poe agreed, pulling a corner of his lip up in an almost smile, “I am sorry about today, y’know…It was stupid of me not to think about how much the Falcon means to you.” “Me too,” I sighed, remembering all the harsh words we had flung at one another in contrast to the white flags me were now waving. This wasn’t the first makeup we’d had lately. Not by a long shot. Poe and I had been fighting more than usual, tensions were high with all that was going on and our relationship wasn’t escaping un-scorched. There was never any doubt as to whether or not we still loved each other, but we needed to find better ways of dealing with our stress rather than taking it out on each other. “Chewie told me there was only one escape route and you took it. You guys coming back alive is more important than anything else.”

Where there should have been a kiss or intertwined fingers, there was only silence and our best attempts to smile. There was so much lying underneath the surface that we didn’t ever have time to deal with.

“I wish you’d tell me.” I tried my hardest not to look phased, “Tell you what?” Poe swallowed as he stared into my eyes, “Whatever it is you’re keeping from me.” Every hair on my body stood to attention and fear shot through my veins. I knew he’d become suspicious of me but we hadn’t addressed it out loud before. Once the words of distrust hit the air, it became a true issue. The bottom line of it all was if Poe knew I had been in contact with Ren, he would never trust me with anything ever again.

My tongue peeked out to wet my lips as I nervously shifted my weight to my other foot, “I need you to trust me that what I’m doing, I’m doing for the good of the Resistance.” “We don’t keep secrets from each other, Y/n,” he shook his head and placed his hands on his hips, “That’s not us.” “You wouldn’t understand it, it’s Jedi stuff.” He bit his lip and nodded sarcastically, “Oh, so because I’m not a Jedi, my little average brain couldn’t possibly understand whatever problem you’ve got? Thanks for clearing that up.” “Poe,” I took a step and reached out to grab his forearm, “I didn’t mean it like that. Just please trust me. Everything I do, I do it to keep us safe.” I watched the emotions flicker in his eyes, changing from confusion to anger to desperation to hurt. The thought of confessing to him came through my mind at least ten times a day, but it wasn’t possible. Selfishly, I didn’t want to watch him learn of my betrayal. He would never look at me the same way and I wasn’t ready to lose that.

“I trust you more than anyone,” he finally said, stiffening his voice to hide his emotions, “I just wish you felt the same way about me.” He shrugged out of my hand’s hold and made his way up the ship’s ramp. I chewed on my bottom lip and leaned my forehead against one of the Falcon’s legs. There was nobody on any planet in any galaxy who I trusted more than Poe. He was the best thing that had ever happened to me and the fact that he was beginning to doubt my trust in him was a sucker punch. This time he wasn’t at fault, he only wanted to help me shoulder the burden. But there was nothing he could do to aid in the mental torture I was inflicting on myself.

I turned on my heels to go find my mother but froze at the sight of her and Rey locked in an embrace. I could sense the sadness in Rey that came with leaving her, the only mother figure she could remember having. Watching as she turned away, clipping Uncle Luke’s lightsaber to her belt, I took my cue to say my farewell.

“We’ll check in when we can, if we can,” I stated, partially as a commander but also a daughter to her worried mom, “Who knows, maybe we’ll be back in time for dinner.” A lame attempt at humor, yes, but there was nothing I wouldn’t do to try and make her smile in the most concerning of hours. “Look out for each other, don’t take too many risks,” she instructed, taking my hand in hers, “And come back in one piece.” There was some feeling in the air that I couldn’t put a name to, but it was there nonetheless. I never liked leaving Mom but with the stakes as high as they were, I felt a new sense of dread. I wasn’t immune to fear of losing my life and the reality of something happening to me and leaving her on her own caused a new urgency inside me to come back alive.

“I love you,” I whispered, squeezing her hands tight as tears began to fill my eyes, “So much.” “My darling,” I could hear the emotion in her voice that she was pushing down, “You are the greatest love I could have ever asked for.”

There wasn’t much more that could be said as I bent down to hug her, there was so much meaning inside our few words. We’d survived for a year as a family of two, something we were never meant to do, but we’d somehow done it. Mom’s health had begun to worsen with her age, but the incident on the Raddus had forced what was natural to happen prematurely. She got tired quicker, she required a cane sometimes and needed my help more often, though she always tried to avoid asking. I didn’t think it possible but we’d somehow grown closer in the last year, which made it all the more important that the mission go right and I return safely.

She whispered against my ear, “May the force be with you.” I pulled back with a watery smile, “We’re gonna need it.” With a kiss to her cheek, I forced myself to head back to the ship with a deep pain in my chest. It felt like I was tied to both the Falcon and Mom, the more distance I put between her and I, the more I began to hurt. It lit yet another flame of determination inside me to come back victorious.

Rey had waited for me outside the Falcon, attempting to act like she hadn’t witnessed the tender moment. The two of us shared a hopeful smile before we walked up the ramp together. When we arrived in the cockpit, it was apparent that it was going to be a tight fit. Rey moved to take the empty co-pilot’s chair with Chewie standing in the back, waiting to be called to action. Poe and I didn’t bother to make eye contact choosing instead to bury our pain for a later date. I gave Finn a good natured slap on the shoulder before sinking into the captain’s chair. I’d flown the Falcon hundreds of times by now and yet each time I took the controls, I felt like a child way out of their depth. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, there was no time to waste on fear. All that mattered was the mission.

“Next stop,” I narrated as I readied myself to lift the ship off the ground, “Pasaana…” ————

“You sure this is it?” Poe asked from the front of our group.

“I followed the coordinates perfectly,” I panted, already missing the jungle heat as opposed to Pasaana’s dry kind, “Right, 3PO?”

“Mistress Y/n is correct, these are the exact coordinates that Master Luke left behind.” We rounded the bend of the hill we’d climbed to find the least likely scenario on a planet we’d thought remote; a party.

“What is this?”

“The Aki-Aki Festival of the Ancestors,” 3PO explained, “This celebration occurs only once every 42 years.” “Well, that’s lucky,” Finn commented from beside me.

“Lucky indeed, this festival is known for both its colorful kites and its delectable sweets.” Under normal circumstances, I have had all the patience in the world with the droid I’d spent my whole life around. But now, overlooking the obstacle that would make it harder to find the Wayfinder and ultimately save the galaxy, I joined my friends in staring him down. “3PO, read the room.” “Let’s get down there,” Poe directed with a thumb tucked into his holster, “This is gonna take way longer than it should.” Having spent the better part of my life traveling, I loved getting to immerse myself in different planet’s cultures. It was one of the reasons my diplomatic skills were so highly tuned, I knew how to connect with all different types of people. So there was a small part of me, though stressed, that made a note to take in the sounds of the Aki-Aki’s chants and the array of colors in the crowd. I wasn’t the only one interested in the details either…

“I’ve never seen anything like this,” a wide eyed Rey commented as Finn and Poe passed us by.

“I’ve never seen so few Wayfinders,” Finn retorted.

“Take in what you can, we won’t be back for another 42 years,” I bumped Rey with my hip before following our group.

“There’s always random First Order patrols in crowds like these, so, keep your heads down,” Poe turned to look back at us, zeroing in on the only one tall enough to stick out, “Chewie. Let’s split up, see what the locals know.”

Rey was too taken by her surroundings to fully register what Poe was saying and Finn had gone with my boyfriend, leaving me to follow along with them. As soon as I did, Poe turned to me, “What are you doing?” “…Coming with you?” “We’ve gotta cover as much ground as possible,” he gestured over towards a grouping of tents, “Try talking to some of the traders, see if they know anything.” Thinning my eyes at him in shock that we were on a mission and Poe didn’t want me with him, I decided that now wasn’t the time to fight back. “Fine, Bee,” I called to my boyfriend’s droid hovering near Rey, “You’re with me.” The two of us made our way through a couple vendor’s booths, unsuccessful in getting any information about the location of the Wayfinder. I didn’t even have to do much talking with them, my senses could tell me whether or not my question brought up any memories. Which was good for me because I wasn’t in the mood to do a lot of chit chatting. Bee must have picked up on my silent frustration because he nudged me in my calf, urging me to talk. “He could have said it about ten other ways,” I vented, “But instead he had to make it sound like I was doing something wrong by going with them.” You know how he can be when he’s stressed. “I’m stressed too,” I cried, gesturing to my chest, “And maybe I wanted to go with him because I feel a little less worried when I’m with him. It’s never mattered what’s going on, we’ve always partnered together on missions. Clearly he doesn’t need me this time.” Didn’t you two have a fight before we left? Do you think it has something to do with that? I sighed defeatedly, “Probably…Or the fight we had earlier today, or the one we had just before he left a few days ago…” There was no shortage of examples I could have given as to why Poe didn’t want to be around me. “Things aren’t great between us right now.”

Maybe you should talk to him about it.

“Not right now, Bee. There’s bigger things at hand then Poe and I fighting. Nobody here knows anything, let’s go find the others.” When we made it back, Finn and Poe were engrossed in a conversation with an Aki-Aki. He turned his focus to me, “Got anything?” “I’d probably be a little more enthusiastic if I did, Dameron,” I remarked, taking a spot across from him instead of next to.

He looked between me and Finn, who was trying to remain focused on the Aki-Aki in question, “Whoa, what’s going on?”

The saddest part of why I was angry was the heart of the matter, Poe and I weren’t functioning like the inseparable couple we’d been for the last year. We were functioning like soldiers, ones who bickered at any chance we were given. And while I wanted nothing more than to talk to him about how I felt and ask him when things had gotten like this, not even love could come before war. I looked up at him, the frustration and hurt clearly painted clearly across my face, “Nothing that matters right now, I’m gonna go question some others but don’t worry, I’ll do it by myself.”

Just as Poe was opening his mouth to reply and I was ready to turn away, Rey came running in our direction. “We have to go. Back to the Falcon, now,” she ordered.

“Why?” Finn asked. “It’s Ren.”

Despite the anxiety running through my veins, I took a contradictory step forward. “He’s here?”

“He’s on his way,” Rey answered, her eyes wide and locked with mine.

“Then let’s get the hell out of here,” Poe began tracing our path back to the Falcon with his eyes, “It’s back this way.”

We ran through the festival with our heads on a swivel, until Poe shot his arm out as a barrier when we came face to face with a stormtrooper. “Freeze! Hold it right there. I’ve located the Resistance fugitives, all units report-“ A dart whizzed past us and landed perfectly in the trooper’s eye. We turned to see a figure holding a crossbow standing behind one of the tents, dressed in robes and his face covered with a helmet. “Follow me.”

With no other options in sight, we trusted in our mysterious savior and followed him. We climbed into his vehicle slowly rolling through the festival. “Leia sent me a transmission,” his modulated voice said before speaking in an alien language to the driver. “Okay, how’d you find us?” Finn asked what we were all thinking. The man reached to take his helmet off and I was greeted by a face I hadn’t seen in years. He grinned, “Wookiees stand out in a crowd.” “Lando!”

Chewie moaned his excitement at seeing his old friend and shoved his way past us all to hug him. “It’s good to see you too, old buddy,” he laughed before turning to me, “Look at you, the princess is all grown up.” I wrapped my arms around his neck and breathed for the first time all day, “I can’t believe you’re here.” “This is General Lando Calrissian,” 3PO said from behind us.

“We know who he is, 3PO,” Rey gently admonished.

“It is an honor, General,” Finn said, a big smile gracing his face. “General Calrissian,” Poe spoke up, “We’re looking for Exegol.”

Lando looked between our crew before centering on me, “Of course she’d send you.” I scrunched up my nose and tilted my head, “I didn’t give her much of a choice.” He shook his head with laughter, “You’re her daughter alright…” he flicked his wristlet on and a holo of a Wayfinder appeared, “Only two were made.” “A Sith Wayfinder,” Rey said, “Luke Skywalker came here to find one.” “I know,” Lando chuckled, “I was with him, Luke and I were tailing an old Jedi hunter,” he changed the image on his holo to a creature, “Ochi of Bestoon. He was carrying a clue that could lead to a Wayfinder. We followed his ship halfway across the galaxy here. When we got to his ship, it was abandoned. No clue, no Wayfinder.” “Is the ship still here?” I asked.

“It’s out in the desert where he left it.” “We need to get there, search it again,” Rey suggested.

My posture straightened as the sound of ship engines filled my ears. I peered out a window to see a small bunch of First Order ships flying towards the festival grounds.

“I got a bad feeling about this,” Lando muttered before turning to us, “Ochi’s ship is out past Lurch Canyon. Go!” “Thank you, General,” Poe said before beginning to help each of us out of the crawler.

Chewie moaned his happiness at seeing Lando again, something he reciprocated. Before taking Poe’s extended hand, I quickly embraced my non-biological uncle. “We’re on Ajan Kloss, come join us. We need pilots.” “My flying days are long gone,” he gently declined before taking my hands into his, “But do me a favor, give your mother my love.”

“I will, as long as you consider coming,” I said before kissing his cheek and allowing Poe to help me out. My heart ached to walk away from another member of my family…

“Can’t believe I never put it together that you’re a princess.” Poe said from beside me as we sprinted through the desert. I was hoping no one had noticed Lando’s long standing nickname for me.

“Of a planet that ceased to exist long before I was born,” I panted, “I don’t think that counts for much.” “Doesn’t matter, I’m still going to call you Your Highness,” Finn called from ahead. “There,” Poe pointed, “Those speeders,” he tossed his gloves off, slid beneath the vehicles and began hot-wiring the vehicles. The yelling of a group of Aki-Aki, presumably the owners of the speeders, made him hurry through his work. “We gotta go!”

Finn, Poe and 3PO hopped into one while Rey, Bee, Chewie and I crowded into the other. I didn’t have time to look back as I began steering but I could sense that Poe was surprised that I didn’t come with him. The urge to turn around and yell at him for the exact same thing that had happened moments before was strong, but once again not our highest priority. What was important was the stormtroopers tailing us. Rey took over on offense while I piloted us, it wasn’t until her cry of my name that I turned around. The troopers were flying through the air using jetpacks, something none of us had ever seen.

“I can’t get a clear shot!” Rey yelled.

“Switch with me!”

She continued firing her blaster as she moved to the front of the speeder where I let her take the wheel. I ducked down next to Bee and calculated what angle I needed them to be at for my plan to work.

I’ve got an idea. “Bee, not now,” I shouted over the engine, turning back to the problem at hand. Ignoring my ignoring him, Bee began tapping away at a stray canister in front of us until it shot up into the air. A yellow explosion burst from the canister in front of the stormtroopers. When one emerged from the cloud, his disoriented driving sent him off a ramp like cluster of rocks. Rey turned and took a perfect shot, the trooper’s speeder exploding in the air.

“Never underestimate a droid,” she grinned.

“He’s doing my work for me!” I replied, standing back up and nudging Bee, “Now where’s Poe and Finn?” “Y/n, look,” I joined Rey at the front of the speeder, “Ochi’s ship.”

Parked atop a large structure of rocks was a modest craft that hopefully contained the answers we needed.

Rey’s face turned serious, “I’ve seen that ship before.”

“Y/n! Rey!”

I whipped around to see Poe and Finn’s speeder flying up behind us, “You get all of them?”

As I inhaled to answer triumphantly, the speeder was thrown forward and us with it. We flew through the air before landing roughly in a pile of dark sand, the screams of the rest of our group following directly after. I rolled over with a groan and looked up to see one last trooper whizzing through the air. Finally getting to go through with my original plan, I got to my knees and raised one of my hands, force pushing him into one of the cliffs.

“So they fly now,” I exhaled, falling back on my heels. As soon as my full weight landed in the sand, it began collapsing into itself.

“What the hell is this?” Poe exclaimed, I looked over to see the same sensation happening to him.

“Sinking field,” Rey cried, “Try to grab something!”

I struggled against the pull of the field to try and reach a piece of our smoking speeder, but my torso was already below the surface making it nearly impossible. I had landed somewhat near Poe and tried to wriggle my way to where he was, him already doing the same. I stretched my arm out as far as it could and barely brushed his fingers when his head dipped down below the surface. “Y/n!” he called out just as I lost sight of him. “No!” I yelled, throwing my arm into the pit and fishing around to try and grab him. “Rey, Y/n,” Finn said frantically, “I never told you tha-“ he disappeared into the black sand, lost to us. “What? Finn!” Rey called, it was the last thing I heard below my body was pulled under fully.

What followed was pure darkness, I kept my eyes squeezed shut as to not get anything in my eyes. In a flash of panic, I flailed about and tried to swim upwards back to the surface for a breath of air. All I could do was struggle and pray that I met the bottom, I didn’t want to die in a pit of sand. After a few seconds, I crashed through something hard and my back hit open air. I fell to the ground with a groan, Bee’s beeps and squeals a homing beacon in the dark. “Poe,” I sat up, feeling around the dimly lit cave for him, “Poe…” “I’m here,” he replied, I could barely make out his silhouette as he crawled on his knees to me. His gloved hand wrapped around my arm, making his close presence known, “Are you okay?” In a rare moment of tenderness, something we hadn’t felt in a long time, I reached up and laced my hand through his curls bringing his forehead down to meet mine. “Where’s everybody else?” Poe pulled me to my feet and unsheathed his flashlight, “Rey! Finn!”

“You didn’t say my name, sir, but I’m alright,” 3PO said, coming in from the other side of the cave.

The sand seeping out of the ceiling of the cave followed by loud grunts sent Poe and I bolting towards it just in time for him to catch Rey and ease her down to the ground. “You all right?” he asked.

“Yeah,” she mumbled, “Where’s Finn?” “Where’s Chewie?” I asked, rotating my head rapidly to try and get a full scope of the cave. On cue, Chewie dropped harshly from the ceiling with a moan, I ran over to him and helped him sit up.

Finn climbed out of a hole behind us, “I’m good. What is this place?” He stumbled towards us, the four of us huddled together for a relieved reunion.

Poe had one hand on Finn’s shoulder and one clutching my waist, he pressed a quick peck to my temple. “I thought we were goners,” he panted, I savored the feeling of being close to him even if it had taken thinking we were going to die to get there.

“Which way out?” Finn asked.

I squinted as I looked at our surroundings, “Can’t see a thing.” One step ahead of me, Rey unclipped her lightsaber from her belt and ignited it, lighting our path. Poe stepped forward as well, clicking his inferior flashlight on as if it would make a difference next to the luminous weapon. Shaking my head at my boyfriend, I ignited my own saber and followed Rey, “We need to hurry if Ren’s on his way. “So what was it?” Rey asked as Finn joined us.

“What?” he replied confusedly.

“What you were gonna tell Y/n and I?” A beat passed, “When?” “When you were sinking in the sand, you said ‘I never told you…’” Rey spelled it out for him.

He inched closer to the two of us and lowered his voice, “I’ll tell you later.” “You mean when Poe’s not here?” the man in question asked from behind us, staring Finn down as he squeezed between the three of us.

“Yeah,” Finn replied confidently.

“We’re gonna die in sand burrows and we’re all keeping secrets?” Poe deliberately turned his head to look at me when he hit the word ‘secrets,’ a wave of guilt washing over me.

“I’ll tell you when you tell us about all that shifty stuff you do,” Finn fired back, referring to to hot-wiring of the speeders and no doubt something else he’d seen Poe do recently.

“I do not wanna know what made these tunnels,” Poe commented as he took the lead at the front of our group.

Ever the helper, 3PO jumped in to give an answer. “Judging by the circumference of the tunnel walls…” Poe turned to the droid, “I said I do not wanna know. Not,” he realigned his focus ahead of us, spotting something in the shadows, “What’s that?” “Is that a speeder?” Finn asked. “An old one,” Rey answered as she got a closer look. “Wonder if it still runs,” I said, running a hand over the dusty vehicle, “We’re gonna need a way out of here.” “Perhaps we will find the driver,” 3PO said hopefully. I think they’d be dead by now.

“Yep, BB-8, I think dead too,” Poe responded to his droid’s astute observation.

“Oh, my,” 3PO pointed towards the symbol on the front of the speeder, “A hex charm.”

“What’s a hex charm?” I asked, shining my saber over the detail and getting a look at it myself.

“A common emblem of Sith loyalists,” 3PO answered. “The Sith…” I mumbled under my breath, running a finger over it and catching the dust in my hand.

“This was Ochi’s?” Finn asked. “Luke sensed it,” Rey stepped forward, “Ochi never left this place.” “And he ended up down here,” Finn continued the train of thought.

“He was headed for his ship,” Poe completed the sentence, “Same thing happened to us, happened to him.” I followed Rey who was hot on the scent of something, the two of us spotting the skeleton at the same time. “So how did Ochi get out?” I took a breath, “He didn’t.” The four of us moved as one to examine the carcass, mangled and broken into pieces but clearly bearing resemblance to a creature. “No he didn’t…” Finn muttered.

“Bones,” Poe said from beside me, turning away for a second to stifle a gag, “I don’t like bones.” “Bones? Never a good sign,” 3PO commented.

My eyes flitted over the scene while Rey searched deeper, spotting a bump in the sand with Bee and helping him to unearth it. She pulled out a unique carved dagger, I could sense the same thing upon seeing it that she could. “Horrible things…have happened with this,” she trembled. “The writing…” I crouched down next to her, running a finger over the weapon and trying to figure out what language the script was written in, “I don’t recognize it, 3PO?”

The loyal droid came forward and took the dagger from my outstretched palm. “The location of the Wayfinder has been inscribed upon this dagger,” he announced, “It’s the clue that Master Luke was looking for.” “And? What does it say?” I asked with a hopeful smile.

3PO turned to our group, “I am afraid I cannot tell you.” “20.3 fazillion languages and you can’t read that?” Poe asked in confusion.

“I have read it, sir, I know exactly where the wayfinder is,” the droid responded, “Unfortunately, it is written in the runic language of the Sith.” “And?” I asked, inklings of impatience seeping out of my voice.

“My programming forbids me from translating it.” “So you’re telling us the one time we need you to talk,” Poe shook his head, “You can’t?”

“Irony, sir,” the droid answered, backing up to face us head on, “I am mechanically incapable of speaking translations from Sith. I believe the rule was passed by the Senate of the Old Republic.” I wasn’t listening, none of us were listening as he went on, instead focusing on the large serpent that had appeared behind 3PO with a growing growl. The four of us took a startled step back and held out our various weapons. It let out a meaning roar followed by a loud hiss, alerting 3PO to its presence. “Serpent! Serpent! Serpent!” Surprisingly, Rey placed a hand on top of Poe’s blaster and lowered it as the serpent showed off its razor sharp teeth once again. Keeping her eye trained on the beast, she blindly handed her lightsaber out for Finn to take. “Rey…” he cautioned, gripping the weapon tight in his grip. I could sense what she was sensing as I watched her approach, the serpent was crying out in pain more than anything else

“I’m gonna blast it,” Poe said quietly, his blaster once again aimed at the snake.

“Don’t,” I whispered, contradicting my words as I kept my saber activated in my hand, ready to fight if necessary. Rey kneeled down next to the snake, her eyes still locked with it as she laid her hand over its body. It snarled at her but she didn’t flinch, shutting her eyes and doing what I suspected she would do. She healed whatever wound the serpent had, receiving a small non-threatening moan in thanks. It snaked away down another pathway of the cave, revealing an exit that lit the cave up with the sunlight of Pasaana.

Bee rolled forward to ask Rey what she had done as she rubbed her hand, “I just transferred a bit of life. Force energy from me to him. You would’ve done the same.” “Luckily, we won’t have that problem again,” I said as I deactivated my lightsaber and clipped it back onto my belt, helping Rey up after, “Nice job.” Our group climbed out of the hole and we got a good look at the rock structure that displayed Ochi’s ship we’d seen during our speeder chase. “Looks like we’ve got our ride,” Poe commented as we walked up the rocks.

“We cannot possibly fly in that old wreck,” 3PO interjected.

“We gotta keep moving, find someone who can translate that dagger,” Poe replied, “Like a helpful droid.” “I suggest we return to the Millennium Falcon at once,” the droid said as forcefully as he was capable of being. “Troopers’ll be waiting at the Falcon,” I said, pausing my steps to try and shove aside the pain I felt at the thought of leaving my beloved ship behind, “We’ll find a way to get it back.”

Not more than two seconds after I spoke did each hair on my body stand up straight and a cold wave run through my body. I twisted to look out upon the miles of sand and rock, sensing the familiar presence of Ren yet not being able to see him. Rey and I shared a look, concern mixed with understanding that someone had to deal with it. I could feel that it was her that needed to confront him, I wasn’t the only one that shared a complicated history with the Supreme Leader. I nodded understandingly to her, the two of us not needing to speak a single word.

“What is it?” Finn asked, approaching the two of us. “I’ll be right behind you,” she said, handing Finn her staff and bag, “It’s okay.”

She passed by both of us, heading back down the way we’d come to go deal with our problem. “Let’s go,” I directed, turning back towards our new ride, “She’s got this.” The rest of us climbed the rest of the rocks until we hit Ochi’s ship, opening the ramp and heading into the heart of it. “Let’s see what we’ve got,” Poe said, switching on the flickering lights, “Let’s get those converters fired up.”

Finn, Poe and I marched to the cockpit, swiping at dusty cobwebs that adorned the ship. Poe flipped open the shutters and started her up proudly while Finn and I were more focused on looking out the windows for Rey. “Where is she?” he asked me.

Poe interrupted before I could form an answer, “Guys, help me out over here.” “Chewie, tell Rey we gotta go,” Finn ordered the Wookiee, who looked to me for confirmation. I gave a short nod and ran off the assist Poe in getting the ship up and running.

“What is she doing?” he grumbled as he sat down in the captain’s chair. “She’s helping us out,” I sat down in the seat next to him, “Trust me.” “That’s all I get?” he asked annoyedly as he flipped various switches, “Another Jedi thing I wouldn’t understand?”

“Are we really doing this right now?” I snapped, pressing a few buttons to help prep the ship.

“We wouldn’t have to if you would just tell me what’s going on,” Poe shot back, his voice raising to match mine. “It’s Ren,” Finn interrupted our fight, anxiety creeping into his tone. He bolted out of the cockpit leaving Poe and I to ourselves. “Finn, wait!” I yelled, taking off after him before he tried to intervene. I caught up to him outside of the ship, “Finn, you’ve gotta let her do th-“ My feet stopped as I spotted what Finn saw as well, Chewie was being loaded into a First order transport along with the dagger. Finn and I dropped to the rocks, crouching down and watching the scene unfold as the Wookiee pushed forward into the ship, hunched over and handcuffed. My natural instinct was to run and free him, but I knew that spelled too much potential danger for us all. And with Finn’s hand tightly gripping my arm, there was no way he’d let me go. It was one of the worst tortures I had to endure.

“We need to find a way to stop the ship,” I said quietly through my unshed tears, “If Poe could get that thing in the air…” “If we fire, the whole thing goes down,” Finn ended the idea as soon as it had been born.

I buried my face in my hands and rubbed furiously, my mind spinning with adrenaline and worry. The sounds on an approaching ship caught my attention, I rose to my feet and followed the noise across the rocks. Yards away from us stood Rey, lightsaber ignited with her back turned to the ship that undoubtably belonged to Ren. She took a running start as the craft advanced toward her and what happened next even I could hardly believe as I watched it. Rey flipped up in the air, letting her arm hang down and slicing off one of the ship’s wings. While she landed gracefully in a cloud of dust, Ren’s ship split violently until it was just the round cockpit rolling across the field of sand before exploding against one of the rocks. My breath caught as the flames engulfed what was left of his ship, I searched for any life left in the wreckage, sensing that he wasn’t dead yet. With my focus momentarily on Ren, I hadn’t noticed Finn had climbed down the rocks and was calling out for Rey.

“They got Chewie! They got him!” he pointed to the skies, I looked up to see the transport containing him had taken off.

“No,” I mumbled to myself, sticking my hand out to stop the ship using the Force. Rey had the same idea and aided me in my efforts. At that moment, a familiar cloaked figure emerged from the flaming wreckage, slowly making his way towards us. I could feel his stony, emotionless stare even with the great gap between us. Even so, I kept my focus on trying to pull the ship out of the sky. Ren extended his hand as well, creating resistance for Rey and I that only made us try harder. The three of us stood locked in our stances, throwing the ship from side to side as we battled for the life inside.

Then suddenly, the fight was over. From Rey’s outstretched hand came thick strands of lightning that wrapped around the ship. It took mere seconds until an explosion ripped the ship apart.

“Chewie!” Rey shrieked in horror. “No!” Finn cried.

I dropped to my knees in shock, watching as the wreckage floated to the ground, Chewie buried somewhere inside. One loud guttural sob escaped my lips and I clutched my stomach, crying out for the loss of another part of my family.

“Guys!” Poe’s voice broke through my grief, “We gotta go! They’re coming!”

Through my tears, I looked above to see Poe standing above me next to the ship and heard the noise of incoming fighters. I had to summon the strength to rise to my feet, my eyes drifting back to Chewie’s fiery grave one last time. “I’m sorry,” I whispered, my voice choked with emotion. I spared a final look to Ren, who I could sense was just as shocked at what had happened as I was. I sensed something in him, the same thing I had sensed when Mom had been thrown out of the Raddus. Sorrow. I wished I could have said I cared, but all I felt towards him was anger. He had contributed to Chewie’s death.

As Rey and Finn approached, I snapped back into action and climbed the rocks, Poe helping me and pulling me up the final foot. We bolted for the ship, racing to the cockpit and taking our assigned seats. He had gotten the thing in flying shape and as soon as we had everybody on board, Poe lifted it off the ground and shot us into the sky and away from the fighters. It was only when I knew he could manage without me that I slipped out of my chair and out of the cockpit.

A distraught Rey was waiting in the hold for me, she stood as I entered, “Y/n, I’m so-“ I breezed past her and Finn, I ignored the droids, I didn’t even think to go to Poe for comfort. Instead, I locked myself in the refresher and let my tears freely fall, mourning the loss of my life long friend.

----

A/N: I promise the next chapter will have little more going on...Let me know what you thought or if you’d like to be tagged ☺️

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lightsupinthenorth · 4 years

Text

Read me like an open book part 2/2

Thanks a lot to the people who liked/reblogged the first part ;) I hope you’ll enjoy the second part as well :)

Part 1

Read on AO3

“Are you a drug dealer?” Steve asked him out of the blue, one day, as they were eating dinner.

Billy nearly choked on his lasagna and had to down half his glass of water to recover from it.

“Of course not! Where the fuck did that come from?” He asked, once he was done coughing.

Robin was laughing freely, either at Billy or at Steve (or at both).

“Well, I don’t know… The other day you told me you were working, and I went to the garage because I had some trouble with my car, but you weren’t there. And you keep going to Indianapolis, and you always come back with these big ass envelopes. And you keep buying us nice stuff… and okay, you always have an explanation for how you got the extra cash, but it’s… it’s weird, is all.” Steve summarized.

Okay, so Steve might have been more observant than most people gave him credit for. Thank God he hadn’t asked for him at the garage. Billy had asked Charlie, one of his old coworkers, to cover for him if Steve ever came by, but what if Charlie had not been there?

Robin was now staring at Billy, her eyes shining with mirth. It was so not funny! Billy was in deep shit.

“And the only explanation you can come up with is me being a drug dealer?” Billy asked to delay the answers he would have to give (and which he had yet to invent).

“Well… yes.” Steve admitted, with a frown.

Maybe Billy would have laughed too, if he hadn’t been in such a precarious position.

“Uh… I… Yeah, it’s just that the rich client from Indianapolis keeps asking me to come check his cars… that’s probably where I was when you went to the garage. And he always puts the money in envelopes. The guy’s weird, what can I say? He pays really well, hence the nice stuff I buy, so it’s not like I’m going to complain.” Billy explained, before stuffing his face with lasagna, just so the chewing would give him some time to think if Steve called him out on his bullshit.

Robin rolled her eyes but kept mercifully silent.

“Oh… alright. Sorry. That was dumb.” Steve said, pushing his food around his plate with his fork.

“That’s fine... I can see how I might have looked suspicious. I’m not a fucking drug dealer, though.” Billy grumbled once his mouth was empty.

“It did seem a bit far-fetched.”

If only Steve knew what Billy was really doing, the drug-dealing theory would probably not appear far-fetched anymore. Billy felt more and more guilty about lying to Steve, but he couldn’t tell him the truth. Steve would instantly know Billy was in love with him, if he did, and it would ruin everything. So, Billy kept ignoring the dilemma, hoping it would go away on its own. No such luck, so far.

A few days later, Billy came home with a book he thought Steve would like. He found him on the couch, drawing on a sketchpad Billy had never seen. Before he could catch a glimpse of the drawing Steve had been working on, Steve noticed him and snapped the sketchpad shut so hard that the noise echoed in the room.

“Hey, Billy, how are you doing?” Steve asked in a high-pitched voice.

Billy narrowed his eyes but chose not to question Steve on his suspicious behavior. He didn’t really have a right to, considering how he had been behaving himself.

“Good. I brought you a book, we can read a bit if you’re done with whatever you were doing.”

“Oh… yeah. That’d be cool. I… I am totally done with… with whatever I was doing.” Steve stammered.

“Cool.”

“Come here.” Steve said, patting his own lap.

Billy got the message and laid on the couch with his head on Steve’s lap. Steve started playing with his hair before he even started reading. His gentle touches made it hard for Billy to focus on the words, and he ended up tripping over them.

Steve didn’t stop touching him, nor did he react in any way to Billy’s stumbling. It made Billy suspicious, so he started saying something that had nothing to do with the book, using the same tone he’d use if he were still reading. Steve didn’t catch on.

“You’re not listening to a word I’m saying, are you?” Billy asked in a conversational tone, so Steve would actually register he was being addressed.

He gave Billy his famous ‘deer caught in the headlight’ look.

“I… uh… I… wasn’t. I’m sorry. I just can’t get my mind off Long live the King. I don’t think I can focus on another novel right now.”

Billy sighed. He didn’t understand why Steve had loved the book so much. “It’s fine. Do you want to watch a movie or something?”

Steve shrugged. “I probably won’t be able to focus much on that either but knock yourself out.”

Billy would have gladly stayed there in peaceful silence while Steve was caressing his hair, but it would probably look dubious, so he reached out for the tv remote and put something at random before going back to his initial position.

Billy felt so safe and relaxed that he started dozing off. He tried to resist, so he could enjoy Steve’s hands on him for as long as he could, but he ended up falling asleep anyway, betrayed by his own body.

That night, Billy woke up from a wet dream and found the star of the said wet dream in the living-room. What was Steve was doing there at this late (or early, depending on how you were looking at it) hour? It had yet to be determined. Billy approached slowly, his bare feet not making a sound on the carpeted floor.

When he was a few meters behind the couch Steve was sitting on, Billy saw that Steve was finishing up a drawing… of a woman… a woman who looked like Billy’s mother. He gasped, before he could even think about staying discreet.

Steve jumped and whipped his head in Billy’s direction.

Billy instantly felt bad. Steve was often jittery, especially if he hadn’t gotten a good night of sleep (which he obviously hadn’t), and Billy should have known better than to sneak up on him.

“I’m sorry for startling you, Pretty boy.”

“Uh… it’s fine… I guess it’s too late to hide this from you.” He said, gesturing to the drawing before he got up from the couch to face Billy.

“’m afraid so.” Billy replied. “Is that…?”

“Your mom? Yes…” Steve’s voice was slightly shaky.

“But how?” Billy had no picture of his mother, and Steve had obviously never met her.

“I… Please don’t be mad… You know how you told me about almost forgetting how your mother looked like before Eleven showed her to you when she got into your mind at Starcourt?”

Billy nodded. He wanted to tell Steve he could probably never be mad at him, but he didn’t want to interrupt him for fear Steve would let his nerves get the better of him if he did.

“Well… I asked Eleven to show her to me, too. I… I wanted to do something nice for you, because you keep doing nice things for me… and I thought it was a good idea… after you told me you had nothing to remember your mom by… But then I got nervous… I thought that maybe you’d find it creepy that I saw one of your memories… so I didn’t actually know how to go about telling you.” Steve was speaking faster and faster until he finally stopped, leaving Billy’s head spinning.

Steve had asked Eleven to go into his mind just so he could draw Billy’s mother…

“Please, Billy, say something.” Steve sounded properly panicked.

Billy wanted to reassure him, but he still couldn’t find his voice, so he lunged himself at Steve.

“Oh…” Steve’s air was punched out of him. “Hey there, big guy.” He hugged Billy back with one arm, still holding the drawing in his right hand.

“Thank you” Billy whispered, as a few tears made their way down his cheeks.

“It was my pleasure.” Steve replied.

Billy separated from Steve and wiped his tears away with the back of his hand before he reached for the drawing.

“So that’s what you hid from me when I caught you drawing earlier?” That was more of a rhetorical question, really.

“Oh… uh. Yeah. Yup. Totally.” Steve answered.

He was looking at everything in the room but Billy, who was too engrossed in the drawing to question Steve’s peculiar attitude.

The next morning, Billy bought a frame for the portrait and placed it on his nightstand.

When Billy went to Indianapolis a few days later, he tried very hard to avoid his agent. He knew he should have asked for his mail to be forwarded to him in Hawkins instead of leaving it at the agency, but he had wanted to avoid Steve stumbling upon anything that would clue him to what was going on. Now Billy was reduced to lurking down the corridors with his precious envelope in hand, like a thief. He was blessedly out the door without having crossed paths with anyone he knew when he bumped into his agent a few meters down the street. Fuck his life.

Billy’s agent had been pestering him about agreeing to a book signing for weeks now. Billy liked her well enough, but she could really be a pain in the ass when she tried hard enough. He had always denied her request, not wanting to show his face to his readers, since Robin was the only person from his life who knew he had published a book. Also, everyone thought he was a woman because of the penname he had chosen. He had an inkling that some people wouldn’t react well to knowing a book written in the first person, in which the narrator was in love with a man, had in fact been written by a male novelist. The narrator was not gendered, which Billy had done on purpose. He was almost certain most readers had imagined a girl, but if they discovered the author was a man, they might question it. Billy didn’t really care about that, or at least he didn’t care nearly as much as he did about Steve potentially finding out Billy had written Long live the King, but it was a reason he had used with his agent to justify his many rebuttals.

“Trying to run away from me, are you?”

“Absolutely not.” Billy replied, with more confidence than he truly had.

“Right. So, what about that book signing?” She asked for the umpteenth time.

She was like a broken record.

“Like the last ten times you asked: no.”

Billy’s tone was firm, but it didn’t deter her. Oh no.

“But come on, your readers would be so happy to meet you. Don’t you think it’d be nice?”

Billy had received and kept receiving heartfelt letters from some of his readers, which made him realize his book had touched a lot of people. Of course, meeting these people would be nice, but it did not change his stance on the signing. It could not.

“Plus, you don’t have to really show yourself. Wear a cap and sunglasses, a wig, come in full drag for all I care. It doesn’t matter as long as you talk to the readers.”

“Wouldn’t that be… you know… weird?”

Who came disguised to their own event?

“Sure, but you’re an author Billy, you’re entitled to being at least a bit weird.” She assured him.

Maybe she was right…

“Okay…” He finally agreed.

“Okay, you’ll do the signing?” She asked for confirmation.

“Yes, I’ll do it.”

Billy regretted the words as soon as they were out of his mouth, but there was nothing he could do about it now. They were out, and his agent would never let him take them back. At least she wouldn’t pester him about it anymore. He wouldn’t relax too much, though. He knew her, by now. She’d find something else to annoy him with sooner or later.

He waited until he was back home to open the envelope containing the letters from his readers. He was eager to read them, as he always was. And he could really use some cheering up these days, what with his longing for Steve and the fact he kept lying to him and could barely deal with the guilt. That was why Billy had gone to Indianapolis despite wanting to avoid his agent. He had really wanted, almost needed, the letters.

He read them sitting on his bed, and when he found a drawing of the King that looked exactly like himself, Billy cursed loudly, in shock.

A knock came on his bedroom door a few seconds later.

“Billy?”

“Uh… yeah?”

Panicking, he hid the pile of letters under his bed sheet and didn’t have time to find something inconspicuous to do before Steve opened his door.

“You sounded… bothered, just now. Are you okay?”

“Oh, yeah. Never better.”

Never better? Why in the world had he said that? Had his brain gone to mush?

“Okay… that’s… good. What are you doing?”

“Uh… Nothing. Just chilling.”

This was a train wreck.

“Mmh… if you say so.” Steve narrowed his eyes. “See you later, then. When you’re done… chilling.”

“Right, see you, Pretty boy.” Billy forced a smile.

When Steve was gone, Billy unraveled the pile of letters again and took the drawing back in hand. He turned the sheet of paper and found a written paragraph on the back.

“I wanted to thank you for writing Long live the King. I loved it a lot, and I really related to your narrator. I have feelings for someone… someone quite like the King in your story. Sadly, I don’t think I’ll have a happy ending like your narrator did, but at least your novel showed me how it could feel if I did. I’m not very good with words (sorry about the handwriting too), so I made a drawing to better express how I feel about your amazing work.

Thank you again,

S. H.”

Steve had drawn Billy as the King, crown included, and had sent it to the author of Long live the King without knowing it was Billy. He felt delighted, freaked out and guilty all at once. He needed a minute, or an hour. Oh Lord, this was such a mess. He should have listened to Robin and told Steve the truth a long time ago.

And he couldn’t believe Steve was seeing him that way. He imagined Billy as the King! How was that possible? Steve was the King all along in Billy’s mind. Billy was nothing like that. He wasn’t brave and kind like Steve, and by extension the King in his novel, was.

Billy stared at the drawing, in a daze. He appeared so beautiful on the paper…

Steve had some better version of him that lived in his mind, and he thought this version was the real Billy. But Billy was a coward. He was lying to Steve because he was too weak to tell the truth, to face Steve, too afraid he would lose him.

Instead of putting the drawing back in the pile of letters he had received, Billy carefully folded it and put in the pocket of his hoodie to carry it around with him, in a streak of masochism or a bout of sentimentalism (or a mix of both).

That evening, when Steve had left the living-room for a bathroom break, Robin whispered:

“You went to Indianapolis today, right?”

“Yeah…”

“You got the drawing?”

“You knew?!” Billy whispered-yelled.

“Of course, I was the one to suggest he sent it when I saw it.”

“Right. I should have known.” Billy rolled his eyes.

“Sure, thank me later, whatever. My question is, why aren’t you two making out like crazy right now? You’re head over heels for Steve, and now you know that he’s head over heels for you too. So, why haven’t you done anything about it?” Robin asked with a frown.

“I just… you’ve seen the drawing, Robin. Steve sees me as far better than I actually am… and if I tell him I wrote Long live the King and lied to him all this time, he’ll realize his mistake, and I will lose him.”

“Oh, Billy.” Robin gave him a pitying look. “I don’t know how to make you see how wrong you are.”

Billy shushed her, as Steve came back into the room. Robin sighed but didn’t say anything else and Billy relaxed a little.

He would keep on ignoring the problem and lying to Steve despite the guilt crushing him. At least, Steve was still his friend. As long as he had him by his side, Billy could deal with the rest.

About a month later, on Friday night, Steve insisted that Robin and Billy go with him to a stupid party.

“Come on, I promised Dustin we’d go with him and the others!” Steve pleaded.

“But why in the world did you do that, Pretty boy?” Billy asked, not looking away from the tv screen, even though he wasn’t paying attention to what was happening on it.

He had a few ideas on how to spend his Friday night, and going to a high school party was not one of them. Plus, he had to go to his book signing tomorrow. He couldn’t use that as an excuse to decline, though, for obvious reasons.

“He wants to impress the new girl, the one hosting the party, so he said he’d bring his cool older friends. I couldn’t say no!” Steve explained.

“Pff, the kid is delusional.” Robin replied, “I’m obviously the only cool person out of the three of us.”

“You used to be a band geek.” Steve pointed out.

“Yet, I’m still cooler than you, dingus, I wonder what that says about you.”

Billy rolled his eyes. He wouldn’t even argue about that.

“Whatever you say. Does that mean you’ll come? Apparently, the girl has an older sister who’ll also be at the party with a bunch of her own friends, so it won’t even be that weird if we go. It might be fun.”

“Sure.” Robin shrugged, flipping the pages of a magazine.

“Billy?” Steve asked, turning to him with a hopeful smile. “If you come, you can keep an eye on Max.”

Steve had a point. But Billy would have agreed anyway, just because Steve had been the one asking.

“Okay, okay. But you’ll owe me.”

“Sure, whatever you want.” Steve beamed. And really, he shouldn’t go around saying things like that.

Billy had to close his eyes for a second.

At the party, Billy mostly kept to the couch, sipping on a cup of punch. He’d have made conversation with Robin, who was also on the couch, but she was having a conversation of her own with one of the older sisters’ cute friends. Billy didn’t want to cockblock her, or so to speak, so he stayed in his corner like a loser. Parties weren’t really his scene anymore. It wasn’t as fun now that he barely drank.

Steve had been dragged God knew where by Dustin, and Billy felt lonely. He regretted whishing Steve would be back when he did actually come back, though. Indeed, Steve only came to Billy to ask him to play truth or dare so he wouldn’t have to do it alone.

“Absolutely not, Steve. What are we? Children?”

“Come on, please… I’ll owe you a second favor. Pretty please.” Steve joined his hands together and gave Billy his infamous puppy dog eyes. This was so not fair.

“Ugh, I hate you.” Billy lied.

“Thank you!!”

Billy wished he could be impervious to Steve’s pleading, as Robin was. Steve hadn’t even tried to drag her into the dumb game, already knowing that was a lost battle. She was so lucky.

Billy followed Steve but didn’t pretend he was happy about it.

“Wow, Billy, nice of you to grace us with your sunny disposition.” Max said as Billy sat down next to Steve with a scowl on his face.

“Shut up, shitbird. And no funny business.” He warned.

“What are you insinuating?” Max gasped, faking offense like the drama-queen she was. “I would never!”

“Shut up you guys, let’s start the game.” Henderson said. And okay, rude much? He would have never disrespected Billy that way when he was still afraid of him. At least not to his face. Good old times.

There had already been about ten teenagers sitting in the circle before Billy and Steve had joined. The nerd squad minus Will and Mike was here, as well as the hostess of the party and a few other people Billy didn’t recognize and didn’t care to. He wanted to ask Steve why they were the only grown-ups (or well, semi grown-ups at least) in the circle, but he was pretty sure he knew the reason already. Henderson had most certainly roped Steve into playing as some kind of wingman duty or some shit (Billy would have bet his life on it). So, Steve was here because he couldn’t say no to the nerds (especially Henderson), and Billy was here because he couldn’t say no to Steve, which was rather unfortunate in situations like this one.

The bottle mercifully didn’t fall on Billy for the first six spins. When it did, he picked dare and was asked to do a handstand by El, bless her pure soul. The others grumbled slightly, finding the dare boring, but no one protested too hard. She was very cute but could also be quite scary, and most people knew not to cross her. Thankfully, Billy’s shirt was tucked in so it didn’t slide down and reveal his scars. He was comfortable enough to display them around Steve and Robin, but it stopped there.

Billy thought he would be safe for a while after that. However, his evil sister wouldn’t have it that way. As Sinclair spun and the bottle fell on Steve, who picked dare, Max whispered something in her boyfriend’s ear. Sinclair tried to protest, but Max glared at him and his protests instantly died. He then sheepishly dared Steve to kiss Billy. He had said “no funny business”. What was wrong with Max?

Steve, blushing beet red, turned to Billy.

“Is it… is this okay?”

Billy should say no, because kissing Steve would just make everything messier, which was saying something, and also because he didn’t imagine his first kiss with Steve happening in front of a group of teenagers, among which was his very own sister. Then again, he had thought his first kiss with Steve would stay in his imagination, so maybe it wasn’t so bad.

Who was he kidding? There was no way he was saying no, despite his better judgement. He wanted Steve too much for that.

“Sure.” He therefore said, with a nonchalance he didn’t possess.

Steve put both his hands in Billy’s hair and gently slotted their lips. He could have just pecked Billy’s lips awkwardly and called it a day, but no. Steve had to try to kill him with softness. Billy had to use all his restraint and then some so he wouldn’t deepen the kiss and ravish Steve’s mouth, lest he scar their audience for life. When Steve broke the kiss and let go of Billy’s head, they were both breathing a tad raggedly. They stared at each other, and Billy nearly lost himself in Steve’s big dark eyes, but he was brought back to earth by Henderson clearing his throat.

Billy really wanted to shoot him a threatening look, but Max did it for him. It made Billy a little bit less mad at her.

The game ended soon after that. Thank God. And Billy and Steve decided to go home. They looked for Robin. When they found her, she didn’t seem too keen on leaving.

“You can stay the night. I’m staying too. There’s plenty of room.” The girl she’d been talking with for hours said.

“That sounds great! You’ll be fine to go home on your own, boys?”

Robin was only teasing, but Billy considered answering no for a second. Being alone with Steve right now would be pure torture. Billy would combust with longing.

“Of course, see you tomorrow. Have fun.” Steve said.

“Thanks.”

Steve was their designated driver for the night, which was stupid because Billy had barely drunk anything, and now he didn’t have anything to do with his hands and the awkwardness was killing him. They hadn’t even argued over what station to put on the radio. The radio was turned off, for God’s sake. They were not in their right mind.

Billy ended up turning the radio on about halfway through the drive, just to have something to do. Abba was on, and Billy didn’t even switch stations. What was happening to him?

They stayed silent until they reached the flat, where they bid each other good night before retreating to their respective rooms.

Billy sighed with relief (and maybe with disappointment, too, if he was entirely honest). However, he shouldn’t have believed he was already out of the woods: the door of his room flew open a few seconds later, revealing Steve (of course, who else could it have been?).

Billy opened his mouth to ask him what was wrong, but he couldn’t get a word out before Steve’s lips were on his once again.

This time, Billy didn’t even think about resisting. He didn’t think, period. His brain was broken. Steve had broken it. His mouth still worked fine, though, and Billy kissed back eagerly.

They didn’t even take the time to get undressed before they tumbled onto Billy’s bed, momentarily breaking the kiss. Billy grinded his hips against Steve’s, making him moan and arch his back. Steve’s hands were back in his hair, lightly tugging on it. Steve reversed their position so he was on top and joined their lips again. He pulled harder on Billy’s hair, pulling a whine out of him in the process, and proceeded to devour his mouth.

Fuck, he really could kiss.

Billy didn’t last long the first time around (not that he had hoped he would). In fact, he came in his pants from the friction on his clothed hard-on, as if he were still a teenager. The thing was, Billy didn’t have much experience when it came to sex, contrary to what most people thought. He had given and received the odd hand job or blow job, but between Neil walking in on Billy and his first (and only) boyfriend, the move to Hawkins, the whole possession thing, the long recovery and falling in love with Steve, he hadn’t had many occasions to have sex. And he had wanted Steve for so long that something like this was bound to happen. It wasn’t Billy’s proudest moment, nonetheless, but he powered through the embarrassment and was quick to bring Steve to orgasm too, which reassured him a little.

Once the rush of desperation had passed, they slowed down considerably. Then, they were all soft touches, gentle hands and deep kisses. They fell asleep hours later, before dawn, sweaty and sated.

Billy had never felt so right. However, such blissful peace could not last.

When he woke up the following morning, Billy went through an emotional rollercoaster. First, he noticed that Steve wasn’t in bed with him anymore. Then, he found a post-it not on which Steve informed him he had left to get them breakfast. Billy smiled and instantly relaxed. It was only the first loop of the rollercoaster, though.

Indeed, when Billy looked for his clothes to get dressed, he couldn’t find his favorite hoodie. Steve must have borrowed it. After all, he loved nicking clothes from Billy.

Billy really didn’t mind. Seeing Steve in his clothes always warmed his heart.

But then, Billy remembered he had been wearing the said hoodie when he had received Steve’s drawing, and he also remembered putting the folded drawing in the front pocket. Oh Lord, no. He frantically searched for the pile of letters from the other day in his nightstand drawer, and Steve’s drawing was indeed not in the pile.

Billy all but ran out of his room. Maybe, if he found Steve quickly enough, he could prevent him from noticing the piece of paper.

He immediately knew it was too late when he stumbled in the living room. Steve was in one of the chairs, sitting ramrod straight with his arms crossed over his chest. On the coffee table in front of him, there were two paper cups, a bag of pastries from their favorite bakery, and, more importantly, the drawing.

Billy’s heartbeat went haywire. How was he going to make things right, now? He had been too much of a coward to talk to Steve, and now Steve had found out without him. It was a catastrophe.

Steve’s face showed no emotion, but his eyes were full of hurt.

“Steve…” Billy started before being immediately interrupted.

“How could you Billy? You knew how I felt all this time and you didn’t say anything. Don’t you care about me at all? Was last night just bullshit to you? And why the fuck did you sleep with me? Was it a pity fuck? Or did you think that I’d be an easy lay because I’m in love with you? What the fuck? I can’t believe you’d do something like that.”

Steve was asking him question after question but didn’t leave him an occasion to answer any of them. His voice was getting louder and louder, making Billy flinch. He wanted to cut in and explain himself, but his own voice failed him.

At the world bullshit, Billy winced, but still kept silent. When Steve said he was in love with him, Billy’s heart shattered. He had yearned to hear those words for years, but not like that. Never like that. He felt like crying, but for once the tears would not come.

Steve had gone from thinking too much of Billy to thinking too little. Billy had been hiding the truth from Steve, yes, but he would have never slept with him knowing how he felt if he didn’t love him too. Steve should know that. Billy would never be that cruel, and even less to him. How could Steve think even for a second that last night had only been about sex to Billy? Billy knew he lacked confidence ever since Nancy had broken his heart in high school, but surely he had to have felt the love their night had been filled with.

Steve, faced with Billy’s silence, got up to leave. Billy held him by the wrist and finally found his voice.

“Please, Steve, let me explain… I…”

“Save it.” Steve snapped, shaking Billy off before walking out the door and slamming it shut.

Billy had to sit on the floor, as his legs were on the verge of giving out. He had ruined everything.

He stared into nothing, his head filled with regrets and fears concerning what was to come. Had he lost Steve forever. Oh God. He had, hadn’t he?

The tears he needed to shed didn’t start flowing until Robin came home. She found him on the floor, sitting with his knees to his chest. As soon as she asked him if he was okay with concern etched upon her face, Billy started crying hard.

“Oh Billy, what is it? Where’s Steve?”

Billy tried to reply but he couldn’t speak through his sobs.

“Nothing happened to him, has it?” Robin asked.

“He… he… he hates me.” Billy managed to say in between heaving breaths.

“Billy, come on, he could never hate you.”

“He… he knows… I had the drawing...”

“So, he’s mad… but he doesn’t hate you. He’ll come around.”

Billy drowned in another wave of tears. Robin wouldn’t think that if she knew Steve and he had made love last night. Steve would never forgive him.

“I… I can go talk to him, if you want. Would that help?”

Billy nodded hesitantly. Maybe it would just make Robin hate him too, but she was probably his last chance to get Steve to hear him out, so he should give it a try.

“Are you going to be okay to go to Indianapolis on your own?”

Billy nodded again, rubbing his eyes with his fists. He wasn’t in a fit state to go to a book signing (in fact, he wasn’t in a fit state to do anything), but at least having something to do might take his mind off of his monumental fuck-up. He didn’t have much of a choice, anyway.

The book signing went as well as could be expected. Some people looked surprised to see a man, and some looked quite uncomfortable, but no one said anything outwardly rude to him, probably because Billy was a scary motherfucker without even having to try. He was intense, what could he do?

He tried to focus on the people he got to meet, and on what they were saying, but his mind couldn’t help but drift to Steve every couple of minutes. It was exhausting.

The event ended hours after it had been supposed to, which wasn’t surprising. It was always hard to estimate how long this kind of things lasted, considering the number of people participating could not be known beforehand. And Billy couldn’t possibly quit before everyone in the line had seen him. Some people had been waiting for several hours. He was not that much of a bastard.

As Billy was finally getting ready to leave, someone barged into the bookstore. When he heard the bell above the door jingle, Billy looked up and froze. It was Steve.

Had he come all this way to tell Billy he never wanted to see him again and that he should find another place to live? Wouldn’t he have waited for Billy to get back to the flat to let him know?

As Steve got closer, Billy noticed he was carrying a book. Was it… his book?

He stopped right in front of the table Billy was sitting at and placed the book on it.

“Hey”

“Hey…” Billy greeted him back tentatively.

Steve looked sheepish, rubbing the back of his neck.

“I… Could you sign it for me, please?”

“Really?” Billy asked.

He tried not to let his heart fill with hope, in case it was some kind of sick prank, but there was nothing to be done. The hope latched on too quickly to be stopped.

Steve nodded.

“I… I’m sorry for getting so mad this morning… Robin knocked some sense into me, and I realize I shouldn’t have yelled at you. And I should have listened to you… No matter how hurt I felt.”

Steve was apologizing? To Billy? That didn’t sound right.

“I… I should be the one apologizing, Steve. I should have told you the truth as soon as I got the drawing… I should have told you before that even… I just…”

“It’s okay… you don’t have to explain now. We can talk things through once we’re back home… we have time… Just, just tell me one thing.”

“Anything you want, Steve.” Billy assured him.

“Well… at first, I didn’t even think about what you having my drawing meant… beside the fact that you know how I feel now… Then it finally registered that it meant you were the author of Long live the King… and Robin suggested that the book made it clear that you… that you had romantic feelings, for me. Was she… maybe… possibly… right? Is it true?” Steve asked, his voice so low that Billy had to strain to hear him.

Billy signed the book and handed it back to Steve before saying anything.

Steve opened the book to read what Billy had just written: “For my king, my light, my love, my everything”.

“Yes, it is. It is true. I love you, Steve.” Billy finally replied.

Steve beamed, making Billy’s heart flip.

“I love you too.”

Billy could fully rejoice in hearing these words, this time around.

He still had some explaining to do. But he hadn’t lost Steve. Steve still loved him. And he now knew Billy loved him too. The rest could wait.

“Let’s go home, Pretty boy.”

Thanks for reading :)

#Harringrove #Billy Hargrove #Steve Harrington #fanfiction #fluff #a bit of angst #first kiss #first time (non explicit)#Read me like an open book part 2

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