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crue-sixx · 4 years

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Chasing Ghosts

Title: Chasing Ghosts

Fandom: The Dirt

Summary: Frank comes to your door in tears, says nothing and takes you against the wall.

Warnings: Smut, violence, swearing, abuse mention.

Trigger Warning: Mentions of abuse so if this makes you uncomfortable then please do not read.

In the winter of your fourteenth year, you met Frankie Ferrana. He was a rough and tumble kid from Seattle who at the time lived with his Nona and Grandpa Tom. He at first wouldn't give you the time of day but when he saw all the bruises on your body he felt for you. He gave you some lessons in self defense, if you ever gained enough courage to fight back against your father. He regretted ever teaching you when you missed school for a week, him going to your house only to see your face busted up.

He eventually went behind your back and called child services on your dad, the day after they paid a visit your father made an executive decision to uproot the family from Seattle, Washington to Montgomery, Alabama. When you told Frankie about it, he looked so disheartened that he just hugged you and whispered in your ear "Call me, anytime...I'll come get you" you knew his number by heart and you nodded.

The two of you stayed in touch for two years, making weekly phone calls. When you missed his weekly call, he grew worried and begged Tom to take him to Alabama to come see you. He declined, the loss of contact continuing for a month. When the phone blared at 3 in the morning, he knew it was about you. "Hello? Y/N?"

"No" your sister Gina said in a hushed tone, her being older than you by a few years. "It's Gina, her sister. You need to come get her..."

He was on alert now and said "What the fuck is going on?!"

"Last month our father got really mad at her" she was choking back silent sobs "he poured boiling oil on her while she was sleeping..."

Frank didn't know it was possible to have his blood freeze and boil at the same time. "Where is she?" he said darkly.

"Saint Xavier's Hospital. Third floor, room 403" she quickly said and hung up the phone. In the background, he could hear their father demand to know who she was talking to. Frank knew Tom wouldn't believe him without evidence, so he opted for the less legal option-he took the truck without telling Tom and drove from Seattle to Montgomery. He gassed up a few times and just drove off without paying, time was of the essence. He made the trip in just under 40 hours, using empty soda cans to piss in when he had to go.

He kicked the door open to your room, the place being empty save for the patient of course. He didn't recoil from your burn, the bubbly skin on the right sight of your face and neck, just touching your shoulder. He unhooked your IVs from your arm, taking the wheelchair from the corner and putting you in it to wheel you out without being caught.

He stopped dead in his tracks when a nurse turned the corner and stared at you both. He was so afraid of being busted, but the nurse just smiled at him and put a finger to her lips, gesturing that she'd keep quiet about your location. He nodded his thanks and went on his way with you. You woke up a little, able to get up and climb into the truck on your own "You came...." you softly cried.

"Gina called" he drive off back to Seattle "Just rest now, Y/N...you need it..." he stroked your thigh, but not in a sexual way. You laid your head on the window and slept the whole way back. Tom and Nona were understandably pissed at Frank for stealing the truck, but recoiled the moment they saw your face.

He let you share his bed with him, both of you needed each other close. He was kicking himself for letting you leave with your father, wondering how many other injuries he had caused you to get. While you were sound asleep and dead to the world, he brushed your hair from your face and said "You're so beautiful..." and planted a soft kiss on your lips.

Over the next year, you and Frank had moved to L.A., to get away from his mother, Deanna. He made sure to include you in all his dealings, and shared his booze and drugs with you. On many occasions, you two had even had drunken, drugged up sex, both of you too scared to admit having feelings for each other.

It was one night he asked you to be left alone, that he needed to do something by himself. This was out of the ordinary for him, but you obliged him. He had done so much for you, and you granted him this one favor he asked of you. He had left with a bottle of Jack Daniels in his hand, and was back in a few hours. He banged on the door and when you opened it he pushed you back against the wall and started kissing you.

You returned the gesture, pulling away and seeing that he'd been crying "Frank? What's wrong?"

He was breathing heavily as he tore off your shirt to kiss your breasts "No..." he pulled down your bra to get at the nipple, teasing it with his tongue "Don't call me Frank..."

You groaned in need, needing him to be inside you soon "What do you want me to call you then?"

"Babe" he reached down into your pants and inserted two fingers inside you "just call me Babe for the moment..."

"Babe..." you sighed, you feeling his fingers slipping in and out of you. He then bought his fingers up to your lips, you licking one clean and him doing the same to the other "fuck me..."

"Yes, Ma'am" he used his switchblade knife to cut off your pants and panties, you spread your legs to allow him to enter you. He stepped back to release his cock from his pants, the thing bouncing at the very sight of you naked in front of him. He pressed you against the wall, and dove right in.

"Fuck, Babe" you gasped as he roughly entered you. You could smell the whiskey on his breath, the scent seeming to seep through his skin. It turned you on even more, you wrapping one leg around his waist.

He grunted "You're always so fuckin' tight for me, Y/N..."

"That's cause nobody else will fuck me with this monster face" you said. He suddenly stopped and gave you a stern look.

"You're beautiful" he gave a hard thrust, you squeaking from the sudden pressure "the way" another thrust "you are..." he took both your legs in his arms, him being strong enough to hold you up and thrust.

He'd never done this when you two fucked before, so the feeling was new to you. "Jesus Fuckin' Christ Babe..." you clung onto his neck to help him hold you up "Keep that up, I'm gonna cum..."

"Me too..." a few thrusts later, you felt him twitch and release himself inside you, his hips shuddering as he did so and he let out a loud "Y/N! FUCK!"

When you came right after him you bit into his shoulder, making him cum harder than he'd ever did while he was with you. His cock pulsed a few times, releasing more of his semen. When he caught his breath, he pulled out and let you down. You reached up and gave him a tired kiss, the both of you having been spent. You took his hand and went to the couch to cuddle, you in the nude and him having done up his pants. After a few minutes of blissful silence you asked "What was that all about?"

"Me fuckin' your brains out?" he laughed softly.

"Yeah that," you caressed his thick arm "and why you were crying" you interlocked your fingers with his, allowing him to take his time with answering.

"I called my dad..." he finally said, you looking up at him in disbelief.

"Well what did he say?" you were anxious to hear all about it.

"He told me he didn't have a son" he sniffled "and to never call him again..."

"Oh Babe..." your eyes were sorrowful for him. He'd told you that he wanted to have a relationship with his father all his life, him only showing up once in a blue moon. The one time he actually remembered clearly that Big Frank gave him a birthday present was a sled when he was seven.

"I don't want my name anymore" he stated matter of fact "How do I change it?"

"Well you have to go down to the social security office and apply for a name change, bring your current ID and fill out what your name is and what you want to change it to" you had some working knowledge about the issue, you working at the post office in the back sorting mail for delivery. "What do you want to change it to?"

"I dunno" he said, his mood and voice perking up a little "something cool! I wanna be a rock star!"

You thought about your ex back in Alabama "Nicky Six?"

He looked down at you and asked "How is it spelled?"

"N-I-C-K-Y S-I-X"

"The name sounds cool, but not with that spelling" he pouted cutely.

"N-I-K-K-I S-I-X-X?" he grinned at you and kissed you again.

"That's so totally metal, Y/N" he put his arm around you, kissing you deeper now. You could feel his hardening cock in his pants against your thigh.

"Again, Nikki?" you raised an eyebrow at him, he grinned at the use of his new name.

"You're just so gorgeous, Y/N" his hand moved down your body "I can't help it..." you obliged and wrapped your legs around him while lying on the couch. "Hey..." he stopped, being serious "Wanna officially be my girl?"

"What?" you stopped too, suddenly getting self-conscience about your face "you want to be seen with a girl looking like Quasimodo?"

He sighed, exasperated that you still thought of yourself as unlovable even after he assured you multiple times you looked radiant. "Y/N. You are perfect, the way you are...I will help you see that" he bent down to kiss you, this time making slow, sweet love instead of a tangled mess of sloppy fucking.

The next few months were peaceful, or as peaceful as they could be with Nikki Sixx, Tommy Lee, Mick Mars and Vince Neil around as your lover and friends. You were alone in the apartment one night, as you were fighting a bad cold when you heard a knock at the door. "Guys, I can't believe you're home so early from a show! Did you totally bomb?" you opened the door to see the man who struck fear into your soul for many years.

"Hey, my wayward daughter" he stepped in, you stepping back out of terror.

"I-I don't think you should be here, Daddy..." you stammered, tripping over the sofa.

"I'm here to take you back home, child" he grabbed at your hair and pulled you up to him. You screamed and bit his arm, him releasing you from the pain. You scrambled back to the couch, where you knew Nikki hid one of his hand guns. He'd given you lessons on how to shoot, and they'd come in handy. You grabbed the thing and your father had grabbed your leg and was dragging you backward.

"I'm not afraid of you anymore!" you shouted back to him. "You have no power over me!"

"I am your father! You are my property! That burn on your face if proof of that!" he started to lunge forward, but from behind he was pulled back by Nikki, who held his switchblade to the older man's throat.

"She doesn't answer to you, asshole" his eyes were fully black, him pressing the blade to your father's neck drawing blood. With three more men who were more than capable of kicking his ass behind him, your father relented and stepped back.

"This isn't over, Frankie" he scoffed.

"My name is Nikki" your boyfriend corrected him "and if we ever see your face again, I'll gut you like a fish."

Your father then left, you breathing a sigh of relief and saying "Thanks guys..." you didn't need to say anything else, all of them knowing full well that it was your father who burned your face. Nikki helped you up.

"You okay, Y/N?" he gave you a once over "You're not hurt are you?"

"No, I'm fine" you assured them with confidence. "Just shaken up is all" soon people started pouring in for the party, Nikki never leaving your side. While you were making out with him later, you smelled the whiskey on him and grinned against his lips.

"Wanna fuck?" he asked, taking you to your room.

"Hell yeah!" you screamed against the music, then slamming the door for semi-privacy.

#motley crue #mötley crüe #nikki sixx #motley crue imagine #mötley crüe imagine #nikki sixx imagine #motley crue fanfiction #mötley crüe fanfiction #nikki sixx fanfiction #not mine #submission

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lithialetheia · 7 years

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I was tagged by @queenofkadaara. Thank you very very much!! ❤

RULES: 1. answer the new questions given by the previous person 2. write 11 new questions 3. tag 11 people

I. What music genre do you usually listen to?

Pop, especially Indie Pop, Jazz, Blues and Rock, even classical music. I listen to many genres every day.

II. What words would you use to describe your aesthetics?

I’m not sure… Cats, black, dark blue, flowers, chokers, old books… Mmmm, rain maybe and… Ehhhh… Videogames and classical music. Oh! And skulls, I love skulls.

III. Favorite tea flavour?

Wild berries.

IV. Favorite time period? Why?

I have many: the Renaissance, mostly because of Leonardo Da Vinci, he’s my hero, I admire his work very much. Let’s say that he’s my historical crush. Ancient Greece and Rome, I’ve been all my life studying these two time periods and I am so curious to see how people lived back then. I like the 18th Century too, because of the French and American Revolution. Also, I love the music and the artists from that period (and the clothes).

V. Favorite motto / quote?

“Sometimes you just have to die a little inside in order to be reborn and rise again as a stronger and wiser version of you.”

That’s what I repeat myself everyday.

And:

“It is madness to hate all roses because you got scratched with one thorn. To give up on your dreams because one didn’t come true. To lose faith in prayers because one was not answered, to give up on our efforts because one of them failed. To condemn all your friends because one betrayed you, not to believe in love because someone was unfaithful or didn’t love you back. To throw away all your chances to be happy because you didn’t succeed on the first attempt. I hope that as you go on your way, you don’t give in nor give up!”

VI. Language you wished you speaked?

Polish, Italian, German, Chinese, Japanese… I wish I could learn all the languages in the world.

VII. Name of your first plushy / stuffed animal? Do you still have it? And while we are at it, do you still have plushies?

My two first plushies were a little sheep called “Dolly” and a dog (?) called “Lulú” and I still have them both. Yeah, I’ve got lots of plushies!

VIII. What color do you wear the most?

Black.

IX. Favorite ice cream flavor?

Lemon, cookie and chocolate.

X. Most emotional fictional moment? Can be from video games, books, movies, etc.

The list is very long, so I’ll just choose the most important ones, exclusively.

The Witcher: when Geralt finds Ciri and he hugs her thinking that she’s dead, but no, she’s alive! The hansa dying trying to help Geralt and Regis appearing in Blood and Wine (I had a fucking heart attack, ask my bro I almost made him deaf).

The Pianist, all the scenes made me cry.

Dreamworks: In The Prince of Egypt when Mirian and Tzipporah sing “When you believe”.

Disney: The last scene of Pocahontas and when Mulan cuts her hair and decides going to war for her father, risking her own life for him. Also, when Quasimodo sings “Out there”. In Moana, when her grandma appears and reminds her who she is. Bless that woman. In the new Beauty and the Beast, the song “Evermore” made me cry!

Wicked: Elphaba singing “Defying Gravity” and “No Good Deed”.

The end of The Phantom of the Opera… Erik is in my heart forever.

The book “The Little Prince” made me cry when I was little and when I see it somewhere I start crying because that book is so special.

When I watched “The Help”, that movie made me laugh and cry at the same time.

XI. If you could make one fictional character real, which one would you pick?

One?? Only one?? How am I supposed to make only one real?? I can’t!! I want all The Witcher characters to be real!! The hansa too, they are coming to live with me at home!!

My questions:

I. What’s your favorite flower? Why? Does it have some special meaning for you?

II. Which song describes you better?

III. Do you like classical music? Who’s your favorite composer?

IV. In which city would you like to live?

V. What’s your favorite mythical creature? Why?

VI. What’s your favorite word?

VII. Who’s the person you desire to meet currently?

VIII. What’s your favorite profession?

IX. Who’s the person you admire the most?

X. If you could be a fictional character which movie, book or videogame would you like to be in?

XI. Can you post a photo of your favorite accessory? It can a ring, necklace, bracelet, piercing, glasses, etc., something you usually like to wear.

I am tagging my favorite people: @ilonavic, @cirillach, @holy-squirrel-of-death, @lunedin, @moonwich, @silnaniewinna, @dandelionandbuttercup, @whitenerine, @vaporeox, @vattgherncirilla, @sarayburnu, and everyone who wants to do it!! You can also just answer my questions for fun. I don’t know if you’ve been tagged before, if so, sorry, and you know, you don’t have to do it if you don’t want to.

#tag #tag me #lilith

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kurtty-drabbles · 5 years

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Lovecraft(here comes the bride)

N/A: For this au I´m going to mix two ideas I had, and once again, this is based on that ComicToon that has the worst mangas I saw in my life. This is not going to be Tony Stark´s friendly, so, be warned but I´m based on ultimate version...

@djinmer4

Kitty Pryde is in a boutique picking a new dress for herself, it´s a nice free day and Kitty can enjoy a day without worries. The saleswoman did reconize Kitty Pryde as Shadowcat and the famous singer and after bravely asking for an autograph, and even getting a selfie, Kitty can ask for the pink dress on the vitrine.

"Oh, not sure if we still have this dress, I´ll check out" the saleswoman goes to the storage room and Kitty waits as she knows the dress is there. That´s an advantage of being what she is.

Yet, the TV is on and Kitty absently looks at the flash images, almost ignoring the TV altogether, when out of blue, the TV is showing break news.

"Billionaire Tony Stark is engaged with former Russian Spy, Natasha Romanoff. After the police concluded that his previous fiance, Pepper Potts did fake her death to escape the country. Her whereabouts are unheard so far" and the news highlight Natasha´s face and she...does not look very happy at all.

The saleswoman is back with the pink dress and is surprised to still have one. "I´m sure the dress was out...funny" and then she looks at Natasha´s face and let sighs in pity. " Natasha marrying Tony Stark? Poor human, may God have mercy on her soul"

Kitty blinks. "Why?"

"You don´t know? Tony Stark once post a sex tape of him and Black Window to the entire world to see and is still trending on the internet. Some say that´s her idea, but, as she looks so sad...I doubt this is real"

___________________________________________________---

Scott was preparing the plans for the next students, once getting his ''wife'' back IT is being way kinder than before, well, no one is being mutated and no one is being controlled. So, in Scott´s mind, that´s the best they can get from IT.

"Scott, what do you know about Tony Stark?" Zaorva asked swiftly jolting the man in surprise, of course, the side effect is having to deal with the ''wife'' who can do whatever she wants when she wants to.

"Hello, Kitty, and well, Tony Stark? He´s an asshole" Scott answers honestly and is fool enough to think the question is over. It´s not.

"You meet him before, what he is like? His previous fiance flees the country and is in Canada with a new name" Kitty answers and Scott remembers hearing how Pepper Potts fake her own death to escape her marriage, of course, Zaorva knows where she is.

"Well, he´s a pervert, he loves money and he loves being right. He is trying to ..." Scott ponders and remembers the conversation all the other X-men had about this situation if they tell Zaorva what Tony Stark wants to do with mutants and if she does agree to help...who is to say they can pay the price. "nevermind"

"Scott, you and the others are awful liars. Now, tell me, what is in the Avengers´s agenda"

And Scott has no escape then telling the truth.

__________________________________________________________

Natasha Romanoff is not having a good week or month, to be exact, ever since she agrees in sleep with Tony and not realizing the entire world saw her naked...no one let Natasha in peace.

Slut. Shameful. Bad woman.

Are words she is used by now, but, ever since the video she can't go any place without hearing how Natasha is a gold digger and top all that, she is feeling so sick.

At first, she thought it was her emotional state reflection on her body, no one likes to be called slut 24/7, but, lately, she feels so dizzy and her stomach is always in pain.

She was hushed to the hospital and found out she was poisoned by a month and the timeline matches Pepper´s disappearance and her engagement.

"You poison me?"

"Of course, only Pepper can carry my child...I agree with this wedding for political reasons, now, I have no desire to have any kids with you"

"What? How could you do this to me? You know what the Red Room did to me"

And Tony is not really caring.

_______________________________________

The Avengers have a plan to get rid of the mutants once and for all, Captain Marvel agrees that this is the best course of action and is ready to complete the task, however, the wedding must happen first.

Natasha is not a happy bride in the slightest and judging by the handcuff on her wrist, something Tony designed, she has no way to run.

"Dearly beloved, we are here to celebrate the union of a man and a woman, if there´s anyone here that think those two shouldn´t be together...speak now or shall forever remain silent"

"Well, priest...I have a few things!"

And they notice Kitty Pryde, with her freckles on her cheek and her smile, Tony order that Shadowcat will be the first mutant to be executed and send Hulk to smash her.

However, much to everyone surprised, Kitty evaporated Hulk in one second and in the next she melts all the guns Tony had and let the cameras be the only machine that works.

In fact, the church is mutated to something blue and with tentacles. "You know, usually I don´t meddle in bad relationships you humans do, but, I´ll make an exception"

Thor reconize what´s going on and is the only Avengers to not move an inch as Zaorva is walking. Dr Stranger tries to cast a spell on Kitty, but, his power is gone, instead, his hands are hurting in such scorching way...only to realize his hands are indeed melting.

"That´s for trying to kill me in another timeline, asshole," she said and goes to Tony Stark and smiles as thanks to a shining metal nearby, Tony could see that his good looks are gone, instead, Tony is a more disgusting version of Quasimodo.

The entire world sees Tony as something uglier. Captain Marvel decides that now is the best moment to attack Kitty Pryde, she flies fast as she can and is ready to punch her.

Sadly, Kitty, using a pinky finger, block the fist as if is nothing. "Careful, Carol, what can be given, can be taken" and the shining light coming from Carol is gone. Captain Marvel lost her powers.

"Now, Tony....Let´s talk about you and your hatred towards the X-men...oh, where are my moods?" she asked knowing full well her mask is cracking and the smart one that didn´t fight her are more freak out than the ones who did fight her. "I´m Zaorva and I´m not pleased with you, Tony"

Her smile is too wide to be human and ...the world is watching. "If anyone gives problems to the X-men ...I can do worse"

And now, the cameras stop working.

_________________________________________-

Kitty Pryde leaves the church and Nightcrawler is there clapping his hands in awe. "I´d love when you punish mortals" and Kitty only laughs, until, she belches, not in a ladylike fashion. "Sorry, I eat too much"

"Don´t apologise, dear...you´ll eat the others?"

"No, not, for now, I let Natasha and the others go...to spread my word if they try to cross me...well, I have always space for dessert"

#lovecraft au #lovecraft kurtty #based on my hate for a certian manga #wtf mangatoon #kurt wagner #captain marvel is not so nice in the comics #Tony is a shit person in ultimate #Black widow is free #A traumatic wedding #Red wedding who?#Kitty Pryde #Zaorva

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trendingnewsb · 6 years

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5 Superhero Movies That Are Only Worth It For One Scene

Bad superhero films are a treasure. Not only does one make you disappointed with Hollywood for creating a bad movie, but it also makes you doubly frustrated because they’re messing up something that you know is good in comic book form. However, we shouldn’t write off a bad superhero movie immediately. Upon closer examination, these terrible films can contain little glimpses of promise — little glimpses that make you say “This might be a secret masterpiece.” Or at least, “This doesn’t suck every poop.”

Batman & Robin — The Criminal Property Locker

In the annals of bad superhero films, Batman & Robin stands alone. It isn’t a “Well, maybe it’s not THAT bad” film like Superman Returns or Spider-Man 3. It isn’t a “I’ll forget the plot of this before I even leave the theater” film like X-Men: The Last Stand or Daredevil. It isn’t a “That’s a damn shame” film like Superman IV: The Quest For Peace or Robocop 2. And it isn’t a “If there is a God, they wouldn’t let this happen” film like Catwoman or Spawn. Instead, it’s a film that somehow gets both more amazingly terrible and more inexplicably enjoyable with time. I hate it and I love it in equal measure, and years after I’m dead, researchers will discover my skeleton clinging to a VHS copy of it, like Quasimodo and Esmeralda at the end of Hunchback Of Notre Dame.

But the movie does have one extremely cool split second. Now, there is a well-known Easter egg in Batman & Robin: When Bane and Poison Ivy are breaking Mr. Freeze out of Arkham Asylum, you get a glimpse of the “Criminal Property Locker.” And in the locker are the costumes of the Riddler and Two-Face from Batman Forever. That’s kind of neat — though since Two-Face died by falling into a spiky underwater pit, it does imply that some poor Arkham intern had to dry-clean and sew his fucking suit back together.

Warner Bros.

Read Next

5 Things You Can't Help But Wonder When Watching Movies

But the rest of the stuff in the room implies that when the Tim Burton/Joel Schumacher Batman wasn’t eviscerating clowns or neon terrorists, he was still pretty busy. Beside the Riddler’s suit is a doll, so at some point, was Val Kilmer punching the shit out of B-list villain Toyman? Or is that the work of the Dollmaker, a guy who made dolls out of his victims’ skin? Is that dude still in Arkham? It’s unlikely, considering that Michael Keaton’s Batman was one part hero and nine parts sadist, and probably attached a bomb to Dollmaker and peed on him a little bit before even learning his name. But still, the scene adds history to a series that seemed to be mostly about Batman sitting around in his office, waiting for crime to happen.

And then, on the right side, we see a pair of boxing gloves. So good luck, guy who was using those. I’m sure your career as Two-Punch Man was really hitting its peak just before Michael Keaton ripped your intestines out through your eye holes.

But the most interesting part is the big mechanical suit that we see, and on first glance, you’d probably assume that it’s Mr. Freeze’s suit, since that’s what Poison Ivy broke into the locker to get. But Mr. Freeze’s suit looks nothing like that. So either Mr. Freeze has been fighting Batman and Robin for so long that he’s had to upgrade his technology in order to keep his chilly ass un-kicked, or it belongs to another mech-suited villain. The pyromaniac Firefly, maybe? That would be so awesome, and now I’m so pissed that I never got to see Val Kilmer stare expressionless around a bug man with a flamethrower. What were you even good for if you couldn’t give us that, the ’90s?

Judge Dredd — The Angel Gang

Judge Dredd came out in 1995, when we were still trying to figure out whether superhero movies were going to be a thing. Sure, Superman and Batman had been pretty successful, but was there hope for anyone else? The answer to that was “Not yet,” as proven by the lackluster Judge Dredd, which featured Sylvester Stallone. I know that we’re all currently pretty high on Stallone after Creed, but between Rocky IV and Rocky Balboa, he was having a rough time being in any movie that someone could honestly call good. At his best, he was in films like Demolition Man — or as my dad would call it, Daniel, we need to talk.

Judge Dredd has sweet set design, but other than that, it’s a lot of Stallone and Armand Assante shouting at side characters who are too useless to be given their own shouting dialogue. The only time it really perks up is when Stallone and his little buddy Rob Schneider get captured in the wastelands by the Angel Gang. The Angel Gang are cannibals, and their role in the movie almost feels like Judge Dredd DLC. But during the gang’s brief vacation in your eyeballs, Judge Dredd ceases to be a humdrum exploration into the beauty of shoulder pads, and starts feeling special.

There are plenty of movies wherein superheroes fight random gangs. There are just as many superhero movies where the hero is forced to fight a guy who could’ve been a hero, but instead went evil. But there are very few superhero films in which the hero has to tangle with the cast of The Hills Have Eyes. The Angel Gang is a bunch of wild cards. They don’t want to build a city-sinking torpedo or open up a portal to release an ancient evil whatever; they just want to snack on you a little bit. They won’t say any clever lines or reveal any master plans. At most, they’ll maybe give you a recipe for you, medium-rare.

youtube

Sadly, their stay is brief, because Stallone soon escapes and jams an electrical wire into the head of most monosyllabic among them. Of course, the mutant does get to say, “You killed my Pa,” so it’s not a total waste.

Blade: Trinity — The Human Farm

Throughout the Blade series, characters are constantly mentioning the fact that the vampire universe is bigger than you know. Sure, you think we live in a world of humans and puppy dogs and hit singles from Evanescence, but underneath it all, there’s a society of vampires. And when that society decides to rule the world, Blade will … take them out pretty easily, actually. For a race that’s apparently thiiiiis close to dominating the world, they sure seem to be divided into easily spin-kicked pockets.

Blade: Trinity is the worst Blade film. The best thing about Blade and Blade 2 is that they feel inventive and fresh. You’re getting things from them that you wouldn’t get from a Spider-Man or X-Men film — namely, Wesley Snipes cursing and reducing screeching henchmen to ashes. It’s why they’re two of my favorite superhero films. On the other hand, Blade: Trinity features boring-ass Dracula and his something or another quest to vaguely rule the world. After years of tackling rave mutants and goth Nosferatus, Blade’s final fight is with a bad Witcher cosplayer.

Luckily, we do get one scene that feels like it came out of the earlier films. Blade finds a human farm, where a bunch of comatose people are vacuum-sealed into big Ziploc bags and used as a constant source of vampire food. It’s super creepy, and when Blade gets told that they’re all brain-dead, he shuts the whole thing down with barely a second thought or a quietly growled “motherfucker.”

New Line Cinema

It also gives the movie (and the series) a sense of grand scale that it had been lacking. Oh, THIS is what the vampires were hyping up when they were jabbering on about their big vampire plans. Well, I apologize for not paying more attention, emo ghouls. My bad. My bad.

X-Men: Apocalypse — Wolverine’s Introduction

Before Logan, we only got tastes of Wolverine’s full potential as a fighter. One taste was in X2, when he has to defend Xavier’s School for Kool Kidz and Cyclops from William Stryker’s men. But the best pre-Logan scene of Wolverine grinding his way through bad guys in order to level up for the final boss was in X-Men: Apocalypse. Wolverine appears for only a few minutes in this movie, and he looks like an absolute monster.

Imagine you’re a security guard for some mutant research project. You don’t really worry about those mutants escaping, because why would you? They’re usually sedated and subdued, and if they did start waking up, there’s a whole room full of guys with heavy firearms who would blow them away. Then one day, you’re eatin’ a microwavable chicken pot pie and thinking about your novel when you hear “Weapon X is loose.” You know, the most dangerous experiment in a whole building full of dangerous experiments. Will the gun they’ve given you work against someone with adamantium claws and, if the rumors you heard are true, healing powers? Maybe.

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That’s the feeling you get during the scene in which Wolverine escapes: pure, pee-your-pants, “Oh my god, I was not properly trained for this” terror. Sure, Logan has a lot of scenes where he cuts his way through dudes, but that movie frames it as action, while this turns Wolverine into a slasher villain. It doesn’t hurt that the scene ends with a splash of blood coming from offscreen, which is slasher movie code for “Daaaammmnnn.”

The rest of the movie is pretty subpar. The X-Men’s most powerful villain, Apocalypse, is handled so poorly that you just wish Magneto could be the main bad guy for the fourth time. But I guess it’s to be expected that the best part of an X-Men film would include Hugh Jackman. Oh, Hugh. Was it something I said? Please come back.

Batman v. Superman — The Warehouse Fight

Batman v. Superman didn’t give us a lot of what I would call “iconic” Batman moments. At one point, he does ask Superman, “Do you bleed?” and that’s pretty cool. But then Superman flies off because he has more important things to do than to lightly argue with some billionaire manchild, leaving Batman just standing there. So what does Batman do? He says, “You will,” and TOTALLY WINS THAT CONVERSATION. You sure got him, dude helplessly standing in the wreckage of his super car. I’m sure the shower argument that you had by yourself later was full of similar zingers. “DO YOU BLEED? WELL, I BET YOU DO. AND THEN I’D FUCKING PUNCH HIM LIKE THIS, AND SUPERMAN WOULD BE ALL LIKE, ‘NO, PLEASE, STOP, BATMAN. I BET YOUR PENIS DOESN’T EVEN SLIGHTLY CURVE TO THE LEFT.’ AND I’D BE ALL LIKE BAM. POW. SHUT UP.”

On a more positive note, Batman v. Superman does have one awesome scene: the warehouse fight. Now, before I get into why this part is so great, I do have to say that a lot of it has to do with the critically acclaimed Batman: Arkham games, which make every other Batman fight scene in every other medium look like a slap fight among friends. In the Arkham games, you can sneak up behind a dude, choke him out, zip up to a gargoyle, fly over and drop-kick a man’s torso off his body, zip back up to another gargoyle, tie a guy up to said gargoyle, throw a smoke pellet, hit a thug with an electric shock gun, choke out another dude, and then run up to the last dude as he fills you with bullets and hope that your body armor holds up for long enough so that Batman can someday wear the man’s skull as a shoe.

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That’s the kind of thing that we got in the Batman v. Superman warehouse scene, during which Batman goes back and forth, rearranging an entire gang’s internal organs using everything in his disposal. Here are a few highlights:

– A guy comes into the room brandishing a grenade, so Batman kicks a guy he already has hanging from the ceiling into the grenade man.

– Batman Rock Bottoms a dude into the floor — a technique most assuredly taught to him by Ra’s al Ghul when Batman trained with all of those ninjas. “You must learn to conquer your fear, Bruce,” I remember Ra’s saying in Batman Begins. “CONQUER IT WITH THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW.”

– Batman uses his grappling hook gun thing to sling a box into a guy, and the guy gets hit so hard that he flies into a wall and the back of his goddamn head apparently comes off.

There are a lot of people who have a problem with Batman committing murder, but since my favorite superhero film is Batman Returns, I don’t think it’s that big of a deal. At the very least, it gave us a chance to experience an Arkham City level on the big screen, narrated entirely by Ben Affleck’s grunts.

Daniel has a Twitter. Go to it. Enjoy yourself. Kick your boots off and stay for a while.

Live long enough to see yourself become the villain with your own Batman Utility Belt!

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