#<I hate those hashtags but honestly if you could see me rn it would be justified

[paddockbunny]

As if I get my period the very first day of my holiday 🫠💀

(Sorry if tmi but, it is what it is, hello world of pain from endo)

#endo #endo warrior #<I hate those hashtags but honestly if you could see me rn it would be justified #periods #end the stigma around periods #endometritis

[mysticprofessoralienhumanoid]

A Daminette Penpal AU - Continuation

Continuation  of this post

@ab-unreachablevoice @startouchedqueen1318 @lovemidnighteclipse12 you asked, I deliver.

Now, I want all of you to know this AU was made in a spur of moment. I’m totally winging it rn.

So obviously before the akuma class goes to Gotham, the months of texting have to have passed.

For Damian, those months are hell, because not only does he have to hear Jon’s gushing about his awesome penpal, but he has to endure Lila’s lies and her stories that keep only getting more ridiculous as the time passes too.

And it better be fucking worth it, because you have no idea how close he’s to flying to Paris and finally putting his assassin’s skills into use.

I mean, look at this!

Lila: HI Damian!!!! ❤💖💕💋💞

Damian, cringing at his phone: Yes?

Lila: How r u????

Damian, who absolutely hates when someone types like that: Have been better

Lila: Would u like to maybe video chat???? I could tell u about my trip to Achu !!!!!

Damian, a little shit™: Did “u” know that using more than three (3) exclamation (!) and question (?) marks means “u” may have a personality disorder? Maybe that’d explain the amount of lies “u” like to spew so much.

(Oof-)

[Message read. This user is offline.]

I’m convinced that if Damian knew how to use gifs, he would 100% use a lot, and I mean a lot, of cat gifs (honestly, animal gifs in general).

Lila: Hi Dami!!!! (She doesn’t learn, okay.)

Damian: I hope you can understand the message.

She can.

Lila: Hi dami. Can I call u Dami???

Damian: No.

Lila: I had so much fun this weekend Dami!!!! I went to Brazil Turns out Chris Pratt is filming a new movie there. Anyway, he recognized me and we started  talking. His so much fun!!!!!! 🥰🤩😍😍🎉🎉

Damian: Fascinating. Please do not  tell  me more.

Damian: And it’s “he’s”, not “his”.

Heh.

Lila: Hiii Damiii

Damian: I literally hate you so much-

[Message not sent]

Lila: Dami????

Lila: ....

Lila: Um, Damian? U there????

[Message not read]

You have no idea how, much fun making these is-

Oh, and imagine, just imagine, if Lila told him about situation in Paris.

Lila: Sorry for texting you so late, damiboo. Got caught up in an akuma attack.

Damian, who by now is replying just to humor her (plus his father forced him): A what?

And then Lila starts explaining the situation in Paris. Of course, she adds a few stories about how she was akumas’ target or how she helped Chat Noir (weirdly she doesn’t talk much about Ladybug). It’s that one of really rare times she’s not lying (well, not that much). And how Damian reacts to it?

Damian, Done with Lies™: Do you ever stop lying? Because this, all of this, is absolutely and utterly ridiculous.

Cue Lila wishing she didn’t bullshit as much as she did Damian was just a little more gullible

Anyway.

I don’t know if you remember, but in the first part I said Damian ditched Lila for Marinette (but let’s be honest, wouldn’t we all?).

To clear things up, I kinda wanted the GA students to accompany their penpals throughout their time at school. It’d be nice, right?

So the scene is:

The principal has just announced that GA students have to keep company their penpals while they’re at the GA establishment. Lila’s feeling victorious, this is her chance to get her claws in Damian and his money- I mean, to get to know her lovely penpal. Yeah...

Lila, walking up to Damian, while trying to appear sexy and shy at the same time, and failing at both: So, shall we?

Damian, ostentatiously glancing at her before going to Marinette: Bye

Now, to spice things up, I decided imma get them caught up in a rouge attack/attacked by a rouge.

So somewhere a week in their stay, akuma class is held hostage by one of the Gotham’s criminals.

Because this is Gotham, y’all. You can’t be in Gotham and NOT get attacked some way or another. It’s impossible.

[Choose your villain. I have badass Marinette though, so we all know the winner here]

The moment it starts, Damian slips away and changes into Robin.

Meanwhile:

The class is screaming and panicking.

Lila is probably in the middle of a panic attack.

Marinette’s assessing the situation before striking.

The moment Robin arrives, he gets to witness Marinette, the sweet cinnamon roll Marinette, kicking ass and taking names. Adorable. He thinks he’s in love (and he so is).

Bats come. And they’re met with the dude dealt with and trembling in fear of a petite girl with pigtails, who’s standing next to him and a lovestruck Robin staring at said girl.

A sight to behold, truly.

Also, what if Damian accidentally texts Lila instead of Marinette after the attack? And Lila is so happy, because she thinks her plan’s finally working. But ohoho, does Damian have surprise for her.

Damian: Are you sure you’re okay? The attack was really dangerous, You’re sure you’re fine?

Lila, thinking ‘yes, fucking finally. Almost thought you have no feelings’ : Oh, it was so scary !!!!!! 😱😰😨😨😨 [just hella lot of emojis. She seems like that kind to me] I was absolutely terrified!!!! I’m just glad that it’s all over. After the attack Robin came up to check up on me. He even flirted with me, i think he likes me... Too bad I already like someone else 😘😘😘😘😘😘

Lila: But don’t worry, dami!!!! I’m a little shaken up, but overall okay.  But if you want to we can facetime so you can make sure I’m not injured ;*

Damian, having to physically restrain himself fro throwing his phone against the wall: ...

Damian: Fuck.

Damian: Wrong number.

Lila: ಠ_ಠ

---------

And of course I’m involving Twitter. Who do you think I am?

At first it was one of of his siblings who posted a post about how he’s seething at his phone, probably his penpal texted him something again.

But do you seriously thing Damian would pass such an amazing opportunity?

Haha.

No.

He immediately posts his follow up and it goes downhill from here. He adds shit ton of tweets about her, making Lila famous (and she doesn’t even know she is).

People don’t know whom to pity more; Damian, for having a horrible and lying penpal, or said penpal, for having an enemy in the Ice Prince of Gotham?

The hashtags #IcePrince’sPenpal #PenpalNightmare #MenaceOfAPenpal are created and are trending every day.

Many say it’s the most active he’s ever been.

---------

Lila is not stupid in this, okay? A pathological liar and a manipulator, yes, but for that you need brain and she has one. Much to Damian’s surprise. And yeah, sometimes she lets her imagination get the best of her, but she’s cautious enough and has proof to often back her up. 

She knows she screwed up. Her penpal doesn’t believe her and isn’t scared to call her out.

Due to him bluntly uncovering her lies, some of the classmates see through the blinds she’d put on their eyes and get suspicious of her.

If you have mercy on them, make them come to Marinette and apologize.

...

Yeah, I’m not doing that.

The class sticks to Lila’s version of every story and they don’t believe Damian is THE Damian Wayne, even when a fricking limousine drives up to the school and a butler comes out of it.

---------

Random notes and ideas that don’t really have any sense or anything tbh, but I had them so there you go

About the attack, obviously the school has to inform the parents, right? But, if you're salty enough, you can, oh i don't know, make bustier and/or Damocles not inform them thus creating even more problems for them in the near future. (Yes, i hate bustier and damocles with passion, they’re enablers and Damocles is a gold digger tbh)

*

One day the french class is at a random restaurant (I’m honestly tempted to put them in Red Robin just for my own entertainment) when the Wayne brothers come in. They recognize them and Lila sees the opportunity, so she goes up to them.

Lila: Hiii Damiii!!!! [Yes, I know this is a real life conversation]

Damian, just done with her: Ugh, not you again.

Tim just kinda glances at her and decides she’s not worth his time.

Jason: What the fuck do you have on your head?

Dick: Oh, Damian, is this your crush or the penpal you despise so much?

Damian: The latter. And i do not have a crush

Lila, who totally stopped listening after she heard “crush”: That’s me!!!!

[Silence]

Damian: Marinette’s over there. Let’s go.

Lila:  ;_;

Yeah, it sucks to be Lila.

[I thought I posted this a month ago. I didn’t. What the hell]

#Daminette #damian x marinette #damian wayne #maridami #mlb class salt #lila salt #penpal AU #damian hates lila with burning passion #honestly same #badass marinette #Marinette deserves better #lila ross

[hurmione]

i was tagged by @romaanovas​ & @florenepugh​ (thanks harls & ashlyn! 💖) to answer the following 73 questions!

answers are under the cut x

on a scale of 1-10, how excited are you about life right now? well there’s not really a lot going on at the moment and idk wtf i’m doing so i would say a low 5 lol

describe yourself in a hashtag? #couldbeworse

if you could do a love scene with anyone, who would it be? oof chris evans i guess

if your life was a musical, what would the marquee say? idk lol

what’s one thing people don’t know about you? most people irl know this, but i donated my eggs to my cousin a couple of years ago. the kid is the spitting image of my brother lol

what’s your wake up ritual? i lay in bed for a while on my phone then i get up, use the bathroom, wash my face & brush my teeth (if it’s the weekend or i don’t have work i might even have breakfast lol) (also at the moment since i’m literally just at home all the time, i’ll shower in the morning before i brush my teeth (i’m usually a night showerer))

what’s your go to bed ritual? i might watch a tv and then spend way too long on my phone, realise i should’ve gone to sleep hours ago and then spend ages trying to fall asleep lol

what’s your favorite time of day? evening

your go to for having a good laugh? brooklyn nine nine probably

dream country to visit? i wanna go to the us (specifically florida so i can go to the wizarding world of harry potter), but i’d also love to go back to australia

what’s the biggest surprise you’ve ever had? umm i can’t think of like any times i’ve had a surprise, but i guess there was the time when i really wanted niall horan m&g tickets but missed out, then someone was selling hers and was gonna give it to me but then didn’t (thank GOD bc she ended up scamming her OWN FRIEND, bitch that could been ME getting scammed!), but then one of my friends ended up having a spare that she sold me and the seats we had were MIDDLE FRONT ROW. also it was the day after my birthday and niall wished me happy birthday and it was the best even though i was so awkward when i met him lol. does this count as a surprise even though i did have to pay her back coz i mean i didn’t expect the seats to be middle front row and also didn’t even expect to get m&g at all lol

heels or flats/sneakers? flats/sneakers, my go to is my white converse, love those lil bitches. i do think heels are gorgeous but ouch my feet

vintage or new? both!

who do you want to write your obituary? idk

style icon? zendaya probably

what are three things you cannot live without? books, internet, family

what’s one ingredient you put in everything? honestly just mixed herbs lol, depending on the dish of course

what 3 people living or dead would you want to make dinner for? chris evans, sebastian stan & harry styles

what’s your biggest fear in life? dying lol. also spiders

window or aisle seat? window

what’s your current tv obsession? terrace house

favorite app? instagram

secret talent? it’s not that secret? but i can sing ok i guess... don’t love to actually sing in front of people though lmao

most adventurous thing you’ve ever done in your life? idk, probably just going to sydney with my cousin? w/o like actual adult supervision lol

how would you define yourself in three words? sarcastic, nice, homebody

favorite piece of clothing you own? hmm, maybe this blue jumper i’m wearing rn

a must have clothing item that everyone should have? denim jacket

a superpower you would want? teleportation! imagine the places you could go and the money you would save! alternatively, general magic would be cool (hp style, then i could apparate too lol)

what’s inspiring you in life right now? uhh nothing really lol

best piece of advice you’ve received? idk

best advice you’d give your teenage self? be more confident and do more fun things

a book everyone should read? the harry potter series

what would you like to be remembered for? being a nice, good person

how do you define beauty? i think beauty is different for everyone, especially in terms of aesthetics and appearances, but there’s also inner beauty which i think comes from generally being a good person

what do you love most about your body? idk? my eyes maybe?

best way to take a rest/decompress? self-care! face masks, baths, listening to music or reading

favorite place to view art? galleries i guess

if your life was a song, what would the title be? idk lol

if you could master one instrument, what would it be? piano! i took lessons for like two terms when i was in primary school but gave up bc i though the songs i was learning were boring and basic BUT I WISH I’D JUST STUCK WITH IT! also if i could actually get better at guitar, that would be nice too

if you had a tattoo, where would it be? i already have one on my upper back but i would love for it to be changed into something else, otherwise maybe below my inner elbow?

dolphins or koalas? koalas

what’s your spirit animal? i just took some random quiz and got deer so that i guess lol

best gift you’ve ever received? my mum got me a guitar for my 15th birthday (which, by the way, was almost 10 years ago and i caNNOT believe that)

best gift you’ve given? i made two of my best friends scrapbooks about our friendships for both of their 21st birthdays

what’s your favorite board game? game of life or cards against humanity

what’s your favorite color? lilac

least favorite color? brown

diamond or pearls? diamonds

drugstore makeup or designer? bit of both

blow-dry or air-dry? both

pilates or yoga? yoga

coffee or tea? coffee but i also love tea

what’s the weirdest word in the english language? lackadaisical

dark chocolate or milk chocolate? milk chocolate babey

stairs or elevators? elevators

summer or winter? summer

you are stuck on an island, you can pick one food to eat forever without getting tired of it, what would you eat? nachos!!

a dessert you don’t like? banana split. i HATE bananas

a skill you’re working on mastering? i can’t really think of anything in particular?

best thing to happen to you today? it’s like 12:30pm and i’ve not done much, but i’ll be watching prisoner of azkaban with @thewinterrsoldier​ soon so that’ll be fun 😊

worst thing to happen to you today? nothing yet lol

best compliment you’ve ever received? idk, i’m struggling to think of times i’ve been complimented tbh (i also don’t have that great of a memory tbh)

favorite smell? rain, or the smell just before it rains. or this strawberry poundcake body moisturiser i had. ooh or the raspberry body butter from the body shop lol

hugs or kisses? both

if you made a documentary, would it be about? animals or space or something lol

last piece of content you consumed that made you cry? harry potter lol

lipstick or lipgloss? lipstick

sweet or savory? sweet

girl crush? margot robbie

how do you know your in love? no idea

a song you can listen to on repeat? it’s hard to narrow it down! i’m just gonna with clean or blank space by taylor swift

if you could switch lives with someone for a day, who would it be? maybe margot robbie? just so i could see what it’s like to be THAT beautiful wow

what are you most excited for about this time in your life? figuring out what the fresh fuck to do i guess but that’s also kind of scary lol

tagging: @louvegoods @buckyperalta @damerondjarin @james-barnes @vintersoldier @vcastiel @yodababe @ctrls @tomhollandd @romanoft @astoriamalfxy + anyone else who would like to do this. also feel free to ignore! x

#this was hard lol #but fun! #i feel like there were a lot i just couldn't answer bc i'm uncreative and boring lmao #tag games #about me

[blue-shaded]

To the anon who replied to me with the big message (yes I read all of it lol), I've seen quite a few speedrunners/people in the community worry that the MC speenrunning community will be like looked down upon/delegitimized to the rest of the general speedrunning community (like other speedrunning categories on speedrun.com), I have also seen a bunch of people questioning the legitimacy of the speedrun mods during the time that it was up in the air about whether or not Dream cheated, so I guess I'm saying that both are being claimed to be delegitimized. And whether he is a Professional speedrunner or not, he's a big name on YouTube in general right now, and I would 100% say it's like 75% or more due to both the manhunt series (which are advertised as hunters vs speedrunner, which implies he is a professional minecraft speedrunner, whether he is or not), and the speedrunning drama (where, obviously, he is speedrunning), and being such a big name associated with speedrunning thanks to both of those, it's not really crazy for outsiders to assume he's a sort of figurehead/representation of the mc speedrunning community and take him as the, like, norm for the community

As for the not condemning his stans thing, I can admit that he has and that I was wrong on that front, but I follow his Twitter and I have been since like December/January, and nit once have I seen him condemn them in a way that he either didn't delete, or wasn't sarcastic. He has a tendency to say things like "Ah yes, let me just control 20m+ people" and "of course 20m+ people will listen to me just because I say not to do something" before saying not to do stuff, which comes off as sarcastic, which comes off as not serious, and stans will take it as such. The only serious stuff I have seen from him has been him condemning stans in replies to other tweets, which dont show up in notifications or on the main tweets page, and is easily able to be overlooked. Imo the most notable thing he's done to say don't be toxic is his Twitter description which just says "Dream stans supremacy (unless you're toxic)"

Imo, he needs to not just say "hey, don't be toxic", and instead condemn the toxic BEHAVIORS (tell them not to tell people to kys and not send hate towards people on his behalf and such), because just saying not to be toxic won't help because the people being toxic most likely won't realize they're being toxic (idk how they wouldn't realize but most of these people are like 14 and under and I know that I sure didn't realize that a lot of behaviors were toxic when I was 14)

I know that people who hate him to the extent my friend hates him won't stop hating him even if he does condemn them (it's popular to hate popular stuff, because you get some sort of satisfaction from not liking the same popular stuff other people like, and I would know I still have some things I very much dislike just because it's so popular), but I feel like at least some people wouldn't hate him as much. Another things is that he has put stuff on his private account (like when he told people that making fun of someone's dead dog was too far), and not many people will see it because it's private and a lot of people can't see the stuff because of it (the dog thing is one of the only serious tweets like that that I've seen honestly which sucks)

I didn't touch on this in my last ask, but another reason people hate Dream stans is because they trend literally everything, which is fair when there'd actual important stuff to talk about (like the black lives matter/free Pakistan/stop Asian hate stuff), but if it's just a bunch of sports stuff trending then I I see how they're doing any harm by trending the name of their favorite streamer because they're streaming and such (the shooters4dream hashtag was a bit much, but im pretty sure antis started that and the stans just jumped on the trend)

The fact that people hate Dream because of his merch is ridiculous though. Hating him for putting a smiley face on a hoodie and selling it for 40$ is ridiculous, and the argument that people could do the same thing for less is also ridiculous. If you want to put a smiley face on a hoodie then do it? The point of merch is to support your favorite creator and show that you're a fan of them, and I40$ for a hoodie is one of the cheapest options for hoodies I've seen, actually, unless I just want a plain one, and THAT'S ridiculous Imo

Anyways this wasn't meant to be hateful towards you, I just wanted to explain my side/how I see some of the stuff you've brought up more, so sorry if I sounds like I'm just trying to be mean, I swear I'm not (also sorry to Blue in case this is a long ask)

-🐬

(Also, about the thing with my friend, it's not necessarily that she's being mean to me/she's always been mean to me specifically, it's just that I'm not in a good headspace rn and watching her say that dream and those who watch him deserve to die is definitely making things worse for me, especially when she used to be/still is such a huge advocate for mental health and internet safety and not hating on people/cyber bullying, so I'm working on building up the confidence to unfollow her)

y'all its okay you can talk to eachother on here!

[faireatoi]

NSFW Ask Game. Here we go ^^ 12 14 and 15 I know for sure but you can make it a list as if you were hashtagging 22. Kinda random but interesting XD 33. Non-conventional things are always intriguing. Especially in this case since you both write smut, half of which that may involve your kinks 48 72 76 Always a "fun" experience lol 93 INTERESTING 94 A bit heavy but I like that it's honest on a personal level 96 My questions may be a bit boring compared to the rest. Thanks anyway ^^

S:

12. Have you ever been fisted (anally or vaginally)

No; I’ve come close a few times, and I’ve always wanted to try it, but I feel like there’d be more working up to that than me and most of my partners have ever been willing to really put into it. :s Maybe someday, lmao.

14. Do you have any kinks?

Nope. None at all. No kinks. I’m soft and innocent uwu.

15. Are you into anything under the BDSM umbrella?

I mean, like…. Most of them? I’m Not a sadist, and my masochism only goes to a certain extent, but like… Everything else, yes good pls.

22. What’s the most unusual thing you’ve done nude?

Uhm…. ??? I honestly don’t know? I’m not super comfortable just casually walking around naked? Like, if I’m ‘nude’ i’m usually either showering or having sex, so like… I guess one time I was probably walked around ‘naked’ at one of the dungeons I used to frequent? I don’t remember honestly, but that was probably the case.

33. Describe your masturbation routine, technique, etc.

Uhm… Honestly I have toys, so if I’m by myself, it’s very little teasing? I’m going to basically either fuck myself or else just hold a vibrator to my clit. Sometimes I’ll turn on porn, but a lot of times it’s more… functional than that? I don’t masturbate a lot unless it’s just to let off tension. I much prefer sex with other people.

48. Are you turned on or off by foreskin, or don’t care?

I’m 100% ambivalent. It’s just a thing?? I don’t think it matters to me either way?

72. How many rooms of your house/apartment/etc. have you had sex in?

The current house, just the one. Our old apartment, probably like… 3? It’s very hard when you share living space, lmao.

76. Have you ever been caught masturbating/having sex?

Listen, I will never Stop apologizing to Ashly for having sex in her bed? But mostly no? I’ve been caught making out or groping a couple of times, but never during actual sex or masturbating.

93. If you had the opposite set of genitals for a day, name 5 things you would do.

Uhm… probably freak out a bit, honestly? Like, let’s be real, it’s a cool thing to think about but also my body randomly changing shape during the night? Super freaky. After I chilled a little though, like… jack off, figure out how a prostate works, probably see about finding a way to fulfill some of the fantasies I’ve talked about with an actual penis instead of a strap on… That’s four, I think? Idk, what do people with dicks do?? Glory hole, maybe??

94. What’s something you like about your body?

Hoo buddy, that is not a good question for me rn. I’ve been having some, uh… body issues lately,, :s So I don’t really… Yeah.

96. What body parts do you find the sexiest?

On other people?? Uhm… I think it depends on the person? I mean I’m pretty stereotypically attracted to like… chest, legs, etc. But also, like… collarbone/neck areas sometimes, and sometimes it’s just little things? Idk how to explain it, but I’ve always been one of those people who just like… once I care about my partner I think they’re gorgeous, like… always.

On like… strangers/celebrities and stuff, I go pretty stereotypical though. I really like nice thighs, I guess?

b

12. Have you ever been fisted (anally or vaginally)no,,m Rlly rlly tight like..even one finger hurts dgkhjf but the Thought is #nice

14. Do you have any kinks?ur resident innocent boy has only (3) main kinks !! daddy kink, praise n petplay........also i guess u could call it size kink? just im rlly small n i like Being small? pidked up n put in laps n just,,like being small otl also petnames make me weak..esp kitten n baby (boy)

15. Are you into anything under the BDSM umbrella?im....the biggest sub fsdjkh i dont like pain or anything though fgkjdh im just..A Big Soft Sub

22. What’s the most unusual thing you’ve done nude?uhhhh nothing? i hate...the way i look so i try not to be naked Ever skfdjhfdskj except when showering ofc

33. Describe your masturbation routine, technique, etc.uhhhhh there is None bc i dont masturbate fsdkhj

48. Are you turned on or off by foreskin, or don’t care?i dont think id care? ive never seen A Live Dick so ill let u know if that changes sdfkh

72. How many rooms of your house/apartment/etc. have you had sex in?none and immmmm not rlly planning on changing that dfjkh

76. Have you ever been caught masturbating/having sex?uhhhh kind of got caught fingering my friend so hkfjsd thats a thing

93. If you had the opposite set of genitals for a day, name 5 things you would do.o Wow okay id jerk off a lot.......thats probably it jfkhfgd

94. What’s something you like about your body?i like how small i am dfkjsh everything about me is just Small like im 5′1 n barely 100 lbs n my hands are tiny tiny tiny too fdfjkhg its nice

96. What body parts do you find the sexiest?stereotypically....chest n arms sfdhjk lips and tongue are nice aesthetically n so are necks/collarbones

#minervabelle #asks #s #b #thanks much ♡♡♡

[inspirationallyinsane]

July 18 2018

Tumblr :) hi. It is I. I am feeling so good right now. Honestly, you guys don't even know. My life is so wonderful and beautiful atm and I am so appreciative of everything that is going on. Similarly? I'm also appreciative of everything that has happened to me in the past. All the shit that I went through?? Allllllll the shit?? I am genuinely grateful for it. And beyond that I am so grateful to myself that I wrote it, here, and I have it, forever. It's an unreal experience to go back to 2013 and read my posts. It would be impossible for me to remember how truly awful that time was for me without my writing. I read some of the things that I wrote about myself and the people around me and I feel like crying. I hated myself so much. An extraordinary amount. If I ever wrote something positive about myself or something good that had happened to me/I had done, I would immediately follow it up with something incredibly self-deprecating and negative. I don't write or think that way anymore. There was a time in my life where every single good thing was drowned out by twenty bad things and I don't believe I can be a full person when that is happening. It breaks my heart when I see it in other people. Because I was so there and I have long, rambling posts about being there. About the doubt and the questioning and the utter lack of confidence. Posts that identify it to be nothing more than my normalcy. The only existence I had ever experienced. Things are so different for me now. I don't question the words that come out of my mouth or my belief in myself. I was looking through my old photosets and all of the captions were something like "I know I look ugly but I wanted to show this outfit" or "I look bad but the person next to me looks so cute". Something like that. And in reality??? I was cute af!!! Like in a 15/16 year old way like I look young but I slayed!!! And now? I know I look good. I know that I'm cute and fun and interesting. Which is something that is reflected in my prose and my captions and even my hashtags. I think that is really exciting. It's very interesting for me to go back through the 5(!!!!!) years I have been writing and see such huge development. In 2013? Cha girl was a huge mess. By 2015 I was just beginning to become who I am right now. That's when I see it happen. And I don't know why or what caused that growth to start, I'm sure I could find it if I read through everything closely enough, but I am so glad for it. To be able to pinpoint each stage of development and understand why is important. I think that it encourages me to continue to develop and strive to better to myself and to other people. To be excited about the things I am doing and saying and experiencing. That's rad af. I honestly am so hyped for the next five years. And the five years after that. So on and so forth for the rest of time. I'm going to kill it. Life is going to be my bitch. Lowkey it already is. I've been thinking a lot about my lifestyle and the lifestyle I will have in the future. And I've been thinking about the idea of being a multi-millionaire, right? Like that's the goal. CEO of US Bank, ultra successful, ultra rich. But?? I also don't see myself ever needing or even wanting that sort of lavish luxurious lifestyle that often comes with the money. I mean, I'm the happiest I've ever been and also (almost) the poorest I've ever been. Technically, I live below the poverty line, right? But I don't feel like I lack anything in my life. I eat well and I have enough to get everything that I could need. My apartment is kinda a shithole but it's my shithole and I make it work. It's cute. I know, from experience, that money doesn't bring happiness. I lived that lifestyle that is so over the top and unreal. Thousands of dollars in clothes was a casual shopping trip to the mall. Brand name everything. And??? I was miserable. Not directly because of the money, like there was obviously a lot of shit going on but I can confidently say that the shit was no better or worse because of the money. It did nothing for me, for us. Obviously having your needs met is incredibly important, having housing and food and clothing, the basics, is necessary for happiness. I know that too. There was a time in my life where, for almost a full year, I couldn't afford to have my needs met. And I'm glad I experienced that. At the time I genuinely thought I was going to die but I didn't and now I know where the middle ground (?) is for that stuff. I think it is an important experience to understand. I want to be CEO of US Bank because that is what I want to do. Not because it comes with a salary that I want to have. I truly hope for my future self that I remember all of the stuff that I am reading about and thinking about right now and that when I am there, I do everything that I want to do now. It feels so distant to me that it becomes a fantasy and in my fantasy it is easy for me to do the sorts of things I think I'd do. It's easy to say "Oh yea when I'm there? I'd want to give money from my salary back to the company so that people can get more than 5 grand a year for college tuition help". I'd love to give people the opportunity to go to school whenever they want to do that. And I think it would be especially meaningful to do it for my company and my employees. I really like that a lot. I also think college is hella important and learning how to be a lifelong learner is a skill that I would love to emphasize in my company. I would love to be able to present more opportunity for people who are just starting out. "Oh, you're a teller right now but you are interested in marketing??" That's awesome. I'd never want to limit financial aid to certain degrees or interests. Like I know that to get financial aid from US Bank (which is awesome that they offer it at all, honestly), I'd have to major in business or econ. Which I want to anyway because it is personally interesting to me and my career but I'd like to see more diversity in my company, if I were running it. I know, that at least in some ways, when I'm there things will be different. Maybe after I have an MBA or whatever I'll understand more that I can't offer help to creative/arts majors. I don't know. I would like to think that I'll remain a similar person though. That would be cool. Goldman Sachs is replacing their CEO right now. And a lot of people seem to be kinda shitting all over David Solomon (the new CEO) but honestly? I'm really into him being the CEO. He's an interesting guy with a background in investment banking, which is new for Goldman Sachs. Their thing really has been trading and their last CEO had his background in trading. Solomon also has a musical career on the side, which he still pursues. A CEO that moonlights as a DJ. A CEO with an album on Spotify. That is so cool to me. The idea that a person can have a really intense, high power, heavy responsibility job, and also pursue his or her creative interests is exciting. I feel like that is something new. I sometimes will hear people say that my blog or my raps or my pictures that I share with the world will limit my ability to become everything that I want to be but now?? I can look those people in the face and say "see?". Being a passionate, well rounded person is never limiting. It is something to embrace and celebrate. I love it. Also!!! There is a guy running for congress in the 19th district in NY and lowkey??? Kinda in love with him. He's young and cool and interesting and so incredibly intelligent. And he used to be a rapper! Full ass political rapper. It's so cool. That's amazing to me. To be able to express across multiple platforms is a skill I value. His opponent is trying to say that his raps demonstrate that he isn't serious enough or that he isn't refined enough to be a congressman but guess what? His opponent is down in the polls. Dude's gonna take the seat and I'm so excited to see what he does and follow his political career. People are so cool and people are out there doing so many cool things all at the same time. I want to be that person. I'm on my way to being that person. I'm a banker and a rapper and a poet and a writer. I'm an artist who knows a whole lot about finances. It's awesome. I think it's cool. Umm my personal life is good right now too. Zach and I made up which! I know I said all that stuff about my friends but ultimately I can not stay mad at them. I love my friends and I probably always will. It doesn't matter if we are in different places or doing different things, I love them. That's it. I'm really glad that I saw Zach again and things are good. I went to one of his film shoots and I always think it's really beautiful watching Zach make a film. He's a good director and I genuinely believe that with the right team and the right equipment Zach could make something amazing. I've also been kinda seeing this guy? More consistently than the others at least. I go on a lot of dates with a lot of guys and Ben likes to make fun of me for it like "who is the flavor of the week?" But I do think it is important for me to explore different things and different people and at least get to know them. I'm not sleeping with them or tryna be serious with them like it's all very casual and fun and interesting. I'm collecting a lot of stories and characters and building relationships with my community. So. Whatever, Benadryl. I know what I'm doing. But anyway. I've stopped that over the last week or so and have been focusing more on one person which is a lot more comfortable for me. I enjoy that more, I'm ngl. It's been a lot of late nights and long talks and conversation I can appreciate. Focusing energy on developing one thing is very different. It creates a different kind of intimacy with a person. One that I like. Um. So yes. That is good. I think. I'm going to be honest with you rn, Tumblr. I'm scared. And I so badly want to be that fearless bitch that I was in my last post like "What is heartbreak to me?" Like, fuck it, I don't care about anything. I embrace the sadness. But it's a scary thing. It just is and as much as I can appreciate it and say that I do value the beauty in it, I don't wanna feel that way. Ben is leaving and that is enough sadness in my life currently. I'm going to miss tf out of him. The bank is going to be so different. Sad face. Benadryl. Sad face. So the idea of beginning something new and something that I actually give two shits about is extremely daunting. But. Who knows. Life is going to happen whether I want it to or not at this point. Luckily for me, most of the time I want it to. The only thing that has been bothering me recently is my health? I got over the whole throat issue and I can breathe again which is a gd miracle but now I'm having other issues. And I feel like it's something different every week. Like this week? I literally haven't been eating. I can't eat for shit this week. I'm so nauseous all of the time. It's super annoying. Even water or tea makes me feel sick. I believe it is my anxiety because it usually presents itself in that way physically and I also believe I know exactly what I'm feeling anxiety about but! It's still super upsetting. Um and then just other really dumb stuff like my back hurts like a bitch 90% of the time or I'll have these major headaches for weeks straight and even with advil they won't go away. Or I'll have nightmares or I won't sleep. I should be tired right now. I was up until 4:30 in the morning last night and I was up at 7. But I tried to sleep after work and I slept for about 30 minutes and woke up in a full ass panic attack. And then I thought I saw a lady bug crawling on me?? Which I'm not sure if that was real or not but it freaked me tf out. First of all, why would a lady bug be in my apartment? And secondly? That lady bug looked me dead in my eyes as it crawled up my arm and it scared the living shit out of me. Why was I scared of a ladybug? Lord knows. But I certainly was. That lady bug, which likely was not real, was evil I s2g. And that about sums up my relationship with sleep atm. Not good. I want to sleep and I want to be on top of everything and I want to have the real energy that comes from being rested and feeling healthy. I don't know what is going on. It does concern me. So. Ok. I guess that is all for now. Imma go watch Queer Eye because that show gives me so much happiness, y'all don't even know. It is the cutest shit. Every episode I'm like, no way is another one gonna make me want to cry or laugh or whatever and then?? I feel all of those emotions. Incredible. Honestly I'm not a huge fan of reality TV but that one?? Good af. 10/10 would recommend. Also, I don’t have the energy to proofread this, which I usually do, so I’m sure it’s riddled with mistakes. I promise I will fix them later. Sorry :D Goodnight Tumblr, sleep better than I am ;P until next time~