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mallowstep · 3 years

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I just thought about this

Do you think the Clan cats might ever have some form of PTSD from eather witnessing another cats death in any form like in battle or another disaster or even killing another cat themselves

I really do want to expand on this

okay matthew from the end of this post here it turns out i have a lot of thoughts and talked for like, almost 2k words about this. sorry. there's a tldr at the end.

hmmmmm

my official answer is, "sure, anything is possible, especially if you want to explore that."

my more rambly answer is...kind of.

we're just going to jump straight in with serious cat talk here, but cats? those mofos are killing machines. they are highly efficient hunters. kind of like people and creating things.

on the other hand, cats are also huge cowards who don't like to fight. hence cat and mouse: the cat doesn't want to go in for the kill unless they're sure they can execute it.

i like to think of them as a very krav maga idea: "we don't fight unless we absolutely have to, but once we go in, we go all in."

so...on one hand, "do cats experience ptsd from killing each other?" feels kind of like asking, "do humans experience ptsd from making things?", and yet, that's clearly extremely reductive.

it's also worth talking about what ptsd is. it's easy to think of ptsd as equivalent to trauma, but it's not.

trauma is, well, traumatic events, ptsd is one possible response. most people who experience trauma do not develop ptsd.

(there's also c-ptsd, but i'm getting to that.)

ptsd is, basically, an overactive adrenaline response, basically. it can look similar to depression and anxiety, but it's not the same. things like flashbacks and triggers are not exclusive to ptsd, or even any specific mental illness. it's normal to experience ptsd-like symptoms after a traumatic event. that's a traumatic response.

ptsd is, instead, the unhealthy extension of that, in time, and possibly severity.

before i go any farther, i just want to say, this is not to say you need to have ptsd to have trauma, that you can't have ptsd/trauma if XYZ, etc., so please, give me the benefit of the doubt here. it's always tricky to word these things in a way that is both clear about what i mean and not harming people.

mental illness is always a tricky subject. trying to fit a sum of many symptoms into boxes will never work, but i am going to lean on it as a tool to categorize and discuss experiences in a general sense.

i also want to mention c-ptsd, or "complex post-traumatic stress disorder." this is a debated diagnosis, in that where it fits into mental illness boxes is argued and it's yet to be included in the dsm, but for now, it's sufficient to think of it as ptsd's fraternal twin.

c-ptsd develops when trauma is prolonged, and there's little/no chance of escape. think kidnappings and child abuse.

it shares a lot of symptoms with ptsd, but it has its own unique cluster of symptoms, especially surrounding relationship issues.

right. we can rule that off for things cats typically experience from battle. but i still want to talk about it.

but ptsd is in reference to human reactions to trauma, which is fine! all warrior cats are at least a little anthropomorphised, or it wouldn't be fun to read about.

okay, before i lose the thread, circling back to my point, the conditions for ptsd are a prolonged response to a traumatic event. i, personally, don't think that your everyday warrior is going to experience this. some amount of battle is normal for cats, yeah?

but i do think ptsd/ptsd-like conditions are quite possible. i'm going to move into a discussion of various characters, now, and i'll put that under a read more.

okay, let's examine a few different cats, starting with mudfur.

why mudfur? because he chooses to be a medicine cat specifically because the battles of being a warrior are too much for him. does this mean he's experiencing ptsd? no, i don't think so. we never see any indication of him having flashbacks or hypervigilance. mind, i have

okay sorry you uh

i took a break to read mothwing's secret

see i've been putting it off bc i knew it was going to make me feel things and lord it did

phew

well i was going to talk about mothwing but first, back to mudfur

i can now confirm that we don't see any evidence of ptsd in him. trauma, maybe, but not ptsd.

which...checks.

next cat, ivypool.

but my ivypool, not canon ivypool, because i gave ivypool ptsd.

if you haven't read it, hedera helix is my canon compliant ivypool series, and you can get the Deets there, but i think "fair is the night" is the piece to focus on here. specifically,

The dark is the same, and the heat, and the way she slinks through the shadows, trying not to take notice. The way every pawstep is echoingly loud, and how she can't catch her breath or find her thoughts over the noise. All that's missing is.

Him.

Maybe Ivypool does still dream.

She hisses, her belt bristling, tail lashing, and raises her paw, claws extended.

what's going on here is that she mistakes tigerheart for hawkfrost.

yes, she has ptsd.

she also has c-ptsd in my writing, but i don't want to talk about this at the moment, because ivypool is complex, and i don't feel like bringing dovewing into this. but no, this is her having ptsd from her (dark forest) mentor trying to kill her. a cat she, at least on some level, trusted turning on her and attempting to kill her.

so for ivypool, it's the unexpected that traumatizes her.

which i think makes sense: cats don't generally expect to be attacked by those they trust. which leads me into...

character three: bluestar.

now, bluestar is complex because of the dementia, but i think it's pretty easy to say: tigerclaw (a cat she trusts) betrays her, she gets hypervigilant and stops trusting people.

i'm deliberately going short on this because i'm at almost a thousand words and uh,, i just want to talk about mothwing.

mothwing. my baby. my beloved. my beautiful.

fuuuuck okay so i should not have read mothwing's secret because this is going to turn into me writing mostly about that, but i actually knew 90% of what was contained in it through moonkitti videos + doing research for various mothwing related projects.

i think the only thing i learned was the moonkitti scene about bees is actually completely canonical, as written, and that it was possible for me to love mothwing more than i already do.

usually, i'd want to also talk about willowshine, but i'm going to keep my focus on mothwing. willow my love is going to come up, but i'm keeping my focus tight.

mothwing! onto my purpose: mothwing and c-ptsd and religious trauma.

she will get her own essay i have a document titled "mothwing and religious trauma" but with trope-bingo i've been writing the essays less, so bear with me.

anyway. i'm not waffling, i'm just trying to set up a good starting point so i don't ramble past the purpose. and i think...the scene with mudfur and mothwing near the end is what i'm honing in on. (spoilers, duh, but also, you don't need to have read it.)

so mudfur comes to mothwing after the battle, and she turns him away. he doesn't understand, but i do.

religion has been used against mothwing her entire life. her clan used it (inadvertently) to keep her from her purpose, hawkfrost used it to maintain his control over her, and mistystar used it to again keep her from her purpose and passion. (and yes, i have strong feelings about what this does to willowshine, but i'm trying to stay on-topic.)

and then, the first tangible proof she has of starclan is the dark forest. and her brother. attacking the nursery. and her.

and then mudfur has the audacity to say, "yeah sorry we don't know anything! but like why are you still rejecting us?"

(makes me want to rewrite the ending of "if you love me any, let me know it now" actually, i'm angry. not going to, but i want to.)

adfskjl mothwing is my new purpose for existing. i may actually consider changing my blog title from "in this house we lovewing dovewing" to something mothwing themed. i love her. expect a mothwing focus sometime soon-ish.

right, so, i don't think mothwing's perspective needs to be explained here. but...she is very self-aware of her position. she struggles with it. she doesn't want to talk to willowshine about her beliefs — she's grateful when willowpaw just accepts it and doesn't discuss it with her.

mothwing as a character has always been appealing to me. but. again, trying to keep focused, her brother is manipulative and cruel.

(i'm not saying abusive because i don't know if he really is. i'd want to do a proper analysis for that, not just ramble in a blank document for a while. he's toxic, but i try to reserve abusive for abusive characters. i think he is, but i don't know how i would defend that, ergo, i'm avoiding it for now.)

just. her whole life.

she spends a long time trusting others, looking to starclan for answer and salvation, and it keeps letting her down, and others keep using it against her, like a weapon. there's a lot to mothwing, but i'm really trying to stay on topic.

before i get to my closing arguments, some honorable mentions for characters i didn't talk about, but could have:

squirrelflight

feathertail, stormfur, and mistyfoot

dovewing

briarlight. okay she's such a good honorable mention i just have to explore this for a second, but the scene in bramblestar's storm where she's afraid of falling trees is good. i don't know, she seems fairly functional, but she's definitely not "over it."

anyone captured by twolegs.

tawnypelt

bramblestar. before you gasp, he too trained in the dark forest and was manipulated by hawkfrost and tigerstar.

probably a lot more.

so anyway, if you hung around for nearly 2k words to listen to me talk about cat trauma, here's my closing statement:

i think ptsd in clan cats is definitely going to be a thing, but i think, more often than not, it's not going to come from the battle. we looked at several examples where the incident happened during a battle, but i think it's the betrayal that's more shocking than the actual fighting.

i didn't address ptsd from cats killing each other, other than mudfur, and that's...frankly that's because i don't know. it is very hard for me to sympathize with those characters long enough to think critically about it.

like, i can write villain pov, but i don't think i can actually say, "what if XYZ feels bad for killing someone?" even if i was going to write about like, firestar killing scourge, i don't think i could.

not in this context, anyway.

similarly, i think a lot of what we'll see is trauma. cats are already extremely vigilant, and while it's possible to get hypervigilant cats, i'm not sure how often it's going to come out. cats are good at hiding physical pain, ipso facto, i imagine they're good at hiding emotional pain.

which isn't to say that they...you know what? you know what? if you want to come argue with me about human ptsd, you can do that on my main. but i'm talking about cats, and i say that they probably don't experience ptsd because they probably shove away a lot of the external symptoms, and that's mostly how we identify ptsd. this is not an end-all be-all, nor does it apply to people, but i don't know how to begin couching this, and i'm tired.

alright, well...

tl/dr: yes, trauma and maybe ptsd occur in clan cats, but i think it's more likely to be from betrayal than fighting.

dkjl this was a lot if u have follow up qs or just wanna discuss this my ask box is open! <3

#ask #anon #mine #essay #trauma #ptsd

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extraplanetarystory · 7 years

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Part 8

Being the first person awake was something new to me. Well, not awake, but I was never the first one skulking around the kitchen in the morning. I say skulking because I took each step as quietly as I could and opened each cupboard with as much careful control as I had. I didn’t want to make a peep. I was never the first one up.

Truth be told, I was up the entire night. I started researching the Cerran war over Creos. (It was a revolutionary war. Creos wanted independence from a government several light years away.) But as the night went on, I seemed to fall down multiple rabbit holes and came away with what felt, at the moment, like a head full of mostly useless facts.

Darebajyk were telekinetics whose origins are still debated. Kjanxe were a successful, but controversial, human-animal experiment created by qicuqop scientists. Plott had its own Broadway. Mansheon had a desert with the same surface area as “upper Plott.” The sport vissure caused the most injuries of any sport in Sa’cra. Bronud had animals almost tall as a man that looked like horned praying mantises. Space coffee is called “fewa.”

I think I watched three parts of a television show about motorcyclists. Well, they’re racers and they’re called mudulel. Motorers. I couldn’t tell if it was fiction or a docuseries.

I had my tablet with me as I went about finding food, having switched at this point to a news program. The volume was so low I could barely hear it, but I caught words here and there. I grabbed a small roll of bread from one cabinet, went around the island to see if there was anything knew inside a small box that preserved fruit. There were a few not-kiwanos. Those would do!

“This is new.”

I shrieked, spun around. Atlyana was leaning in the hallway entrance of the kitchen, smiling like she’d just witnessed a rare event. I guess she did.

“I didn’t mean to startle you.” She stepped forward, crossed her arms on the island.

“I have no idea what you are talking about,” I cleared my throat and shrugged, nonchalantly pulling myself into the table nook behind me. I made myself busy peeling at the spikes of my fruit. It was easy. All I had to do was dig a fingernail and drag.

“I didn’t think it was possible for you to come out of hiding so early.” She was still grinning as she slid across the kitchen, then into the seat across from me.

“Oh, ha-ha,” I gave her a mock smile, but nodded. “That is why I was trying to be silent. Truth said, I did not sleep. I was studying.”

“Were you? Studying?”

Atlyana seemed too excited, too eager, even for her pleasant nature. Her smile seemed to become even wider and she leaned in, arms crossed again. She looked expectant.

“Mm-hm,” I stopped peeling. “About the war, and some of the planets. Tawyn said I should look into those to help me. I want to know everything I can.”

Her eyes narrowed for a brief moment. Silence. But then she nodded too. “I��m so glad you’re actually going to do it. I didn’t think you would!”

“Neither did I.” I looked out the window, and watched people pass by on the street. Looked like it was starting to get busy. I should run off soon. “But Riche’e convinced me to do it, in a weird way. It will be fun.”

“Speaking of him,” she leaned back, “I didn’t get a chance to see or speak to you at all last night. I did catch a little glimpse, however…” She very slowly and all-too-controlled raised an eyebrow. Oh, that’s what the expectant look was about. “You two were very close.”

I threw my hands up and waved them in front of me. “We were—we were only—” I couldn’t think of any excuse, but neither was I sure that I should tell the actual story. “We were… Nothing happened. I only went with him... like that. It was nothing, really.”

“Alryxe.” Her grin was ear to ear. It was that same rare event smile from just a minute ago. “But if anything does happen, more going out, I want to hear! It’s good to meet people.” She leaned in again, green eyes sparkling. “Anything. Especially him. He is a—”

“I am not going to eat this.” My words ran together as I pushed my bread roll at her. I’m not sure I actually said a couple of the words, but I didn’t care. I jumped up with my fruit. “I should go. I do not want to be late!”

I scuttled across the kitchen to grab my tablet, turn off the still playing news program, and hopped for the door.

“Have a good day,” she sang. “Good luck at Zega!” I was out before that was even finished.

I’m not sure why the conversation she wanted to have made me flee. Maybe it was I was so used to being closed off. Maybe it was the fact that I still couldn’t figure out Richie’s true opinion of me. (Am I an idiot and helpless novelty or an actual person?) Maybe it was the fact that it felt suddenly too domestic. It was too much a normal thing, potentially talking with my new mother about going out and… things… happening.

We could talk about that stuff later. After I get kicked out of this competition. I’ll be normal and domestic and good then. Maybe she’ll teach me space recipes.

The roads were just as crowded today as they were yesterday. The market was out again, just as lively too. I wondered if this would keep up for the duration of the event, or if they’d peter out as the days went on.

I actually got to enjoy it this time around. I wandered back and forth, merchant stall to merchant stall. Some stalls were high tech boxes, some were tents, some were tables, and some were a combination. I enjoyed the music. I really liked the high-pitched throat singing and metal drums. It was a weird mix. It was a melody and beat that was really hard not to move to.

The stand that interested me most, however, was the kjanxe’s. She was there again, without the qi'qop at her side. I just wanted to see her close-up.

I maybe looked a little too conspicuously casual as I sauntered up to her tented table. She gave me a head-tilt that suggested she thought I thought I was going to get away with stealing something. I kept my eyes on the bunches of fabric—scarves?—and twisted bits of metal that seemed like really intricate and potentially painful earrings, only peeking up when she started talking to a couple of other potential patrons.

I didn’t want to overtly stare. Because that was rude. And I didn’t know how she might react.

She was hairy. Not all over, but she had fine hair all along her jaw, and sideburns. Her eyebrows were thick and went all the way to her hair, widening as they went along. Her ears were pointed and folded. Well, twisted may be the better word. And she had a short tail that looked like it might have been cropped, striped black and copper like her hair.

How did a tail work with pants? Were they special made or did she have to just—

“Do you see anything you are interested in?” She turned to me, giving me a smile that did not go to her eyes. “Or are you just looking?” The shrill emphasis on that last word made it obvious she knew exactly what I had been doing.

“Oh, I—” Crap, I had been caught and now I had to pretend I was actually interested in something. I looked back at the bits of jewelry. I cleared my throat. “Actually, how does this work?” I pointed at a coiled ear piece. It probably worked just like I was imaging. It looked like it was supposed to be twisted through the ear like an intense helix piercing.

“Jiaal! It’s Jiaal, right?” Instant relief came from up the market. Panda was standing at the last stall waving at me with wide gestures.

I excused myself and ran to her. “Good morning!” I was never so happy to see someone I’d met only once before.

“Where are your boys?” She looked around, as if they obviously should have been tailing me.

“In the tower,” I guessed and shrugged. “I know Micje is up there. Riche’e should be soon, if he is not now. Where is Kama? And your other partner? Were they at the gathering last night?”

“I didn’t see him,” she shook her head. “Not that it matters. Kama just informed me that he had already been dismissed by then, poor kid.”

Oh, so it was possible to be dismissed on the first day. I’m not sure why, but my hairs raised and I looked around, searching for those invisible cameras Micje so helpfully told me about. I couldn’t find any. But they must have been there.

“What did he do?”

She gave an over-wide shrug, then hooked our arms, pulling us toward the tower. “It doesn’t matter now. Kama and I are doing this alone. But I have an idea. She’s up in the eatery. Let’s find your boys.”

“What is your idea?” I happily followed along. I was sure they would be there as well. It was the most obvious place to meet. I was kicking myself that we hadn’t actually set up a ‘let’s meet here at this time.’ Why? Why did we miss that?

“I want to explain it with your boys. Are they in the eatery?”

“You like calling them ‘my boys.’”

“I can’t remember the tall one’s name.” Her eyebrows went down and her face twisted. “That would be a good team name, though. Jiaal and the Boys.”

I laughed. “I agree. But his name is Riche’e Talon.”

“Riche’e Talon,” she repeated. “Where are you from? I assume you have two names, too?”

Oh, you don’t know the half of it, I thought. “I am from here.” It was about time I put on the act that I was a normal human like Tawyn said I should. “My second name is Foxise.”

Why couldn’t I just go by my real name? I’m Savanna Morgan. Although, that name going through my head at that point actually felt wrong.

“Last night, you made it sound like you were from some strange planet. Animal pandas are on Zi’inra? I’ve never heard of these.”

“I—no…” I coughed, trying to come up with some lie. “I was not in my mind last night. I was saying weird things.”

She smirked and looked at me through the corner of her eye. “Ah, you were drunk. I should've seen that ”

“Yes. You should ignore whatever I said.” Okay, Riche’e, you can pop out of nowhere to save me and change the subject again and any time now.

We rounded the tower, headed toward an elevator that went to the floor just below the cafeteria. That level was strange. There was no lift to the actual cafeteria, but the floor below. Stairways led up, and then there were lifts to the rest of the tower.

The wait for the elevator wasn’t long. Almost as soon as we got to it, the doors open and humans and qi’qop spilled out. We and another small crowd quickly moved in to replace it.

“You will wait.”

One qi’qop was still in the elevator, arms stretched out to block any incomers.

I knew that voice. My heart skipped a beat then beat faster.

“Jiaal,” she said, looking down on me, and only me, unblinking. I felt Panda’s arm snake away as she took a few steps back.

“Liqeor,” I swallowed. I held onto my tablet with both hands now, hoping that hid the fact I was trembling under her gaze. I really didn’t want her to see that.

She took a step back into the elevator, and gestured for me to step in with her. I did. I took slow, deliberate steps, breathing deep to calm myself.

“You will wait,” she said to the crowd again, and pressed a couple of buttons. I saw Panda purse her lips and her eyebrows go up as the doors closed on her.

I took another deep breath.

After a moment, Liqeor pressed another button, stopping the elevator.

Liqeor was one of the qi’qop who did most of the caring, or rather handling, for me at the Orphanage. At first, it was Eddie, but he was too nice. Eddie would sometimes speak to me in English. Liqeor replaced him as my handler about halfway through my stay.

Gone were the days of arguments and reasoning and in were days of food deprivation, yelling, and insults until I had a basic grasp of the Copan language.

“Why are you here?” She turned stiffly to me, clasping her four-digit hands together in front of herself. Her hands were at her stomach, but her arms were so long that her elbows went nearly all the way across the lift.

I couldn’t hold her stare. My eyes went to my feet. “I am here because I am joining Zega.”

“Are you really?” Her deep voice went up and down in an unmistakable tone of incredulity. Her small ears flapped, then both of them went forward. That was aggression... or confidence. I wasn’t an expert. “A slow kuma? You cannot even look at me.”

My heart was pounding, so hard I was sure that she could hear it even with her head a foot and a half above mine. But I bit my lip and looked up. “So? That changes nothing.”

She snorted.

“I am joining Zega,” I said again, a little more confidence in my voice.

She snorted again. “Rudkjurt can’t join Zega.”

“I can.” The confidence was unconvincing. Definitely to me, but I knew she wasn’t buying it either.

“Rudkjurt don’t join Zega.”

“I will.”

Her ears flapped again.

“I want to try, at least! You cannot force me into this life and expect that I do not want to do something with myself.”

She snorted a third time and turned away, punching a button. The elevator softly jolted. “You are not going anywhere. Enjoy your day.”

It was silence after that. We went as far up as the elevator goes, where Panda and I were wanting to go. Liqeor stepped off before me.

I waited until she walked left or right, then walked out in the opposite direction.

What was the point of that? Why did she have to do that? Was she waiting for me? What was her goal?

I hate qicuqop.

I rushed for the cafeteria, up the stairs. The breeze running through the mid-tower walkway was welcome, and just a little bit of an immediate calm. It was nice, paired with the view of the forking river. But it wasn’t enough to calm all the nerves from just thinking about Liqeor.

Riche’e and Micje were at a table near the door, sitting across from each other, both leaning over a paper-sleeve sheet with eyes glued. They were murmuring to each other. I took the seat next Micje and looked over his shoulder.

“What is so interesting?” I looked at the sheet. It was just a wall of text. I don't know what I was expecting.

“Finally,” Riche’e looked up. He pushed the sheet toward me. “We received our assignment.”

Micje turned toward me, but he kept his eyes on the text. “Did they give us this scenario because of you?”

“Oh…?” I didn't like the sound of that. “Eh… Let us see.”

I tapped the text on the sheet and told it to read aloud. They both gave me a weird look, but let it happen.

“The Administration has decided to look into the Copan Orphanage,” a calm, barely computerized voice started. “We want to know where their rudkjurt, their so-called orphans, come from, as the pattern of appearances have caught our attention.”

I couldn't believe this, but I was actually getting tired of hearing about rudkjurt.

The voice continued: “Your team has been selected for the task at hand. By the end of the week, you are to have contacted the qicuqop in charge of the operation, questioned the relevant individuals, and be decided on whether or not a continuation of the investigation is needed. Academy Head Mikjer Dlokku and agent Liqeor Qaja will play the parts of the Orphanage administrators you are to contact.”

My head hit the table. I whined. “Why her? Anyone but her.” This is bullshit!

“You know the agent?” Micje lowered his head in an attempt to make eye contact.

“Yes.” I wrapped my arms around my head so he couldn't. “And I do not want to talk about it.”

So that's why she was there. She was literally there for me.

“Sit up,” Riche'e said after a moment. I did. “I'm not sure how much contact we'll actually have with either of them. This is a real investigation. This is what I talking about yesterday.”

I put my head in a hand, but looked at the sheet as if I could read those stupid glyphs. Copan writing didn't really have paragraphs. The wall of text was one sentence per line. Occasionally there'd be a break between lines, but I didn't know why.

“Why does that mean we might not have a lot of contact?” I looked up at him.

He scrolled through the text. “Along with the scenario, we were sent all the packets from the real investigation. It's actually—”

“There you are!” Panda came running into the cafeteria, sights set on me. She slid into the seat across from me. She actually pushed Riche'e aside a little bit. “What was that about? What did she want?”

“Who?” Both Riche'e and Micje went at the same time.

I swallowed, ignored them. “She and I have a history. I guess you can say she was... a mentor. She was testing my resolve.” I smiled, feeling that was vague yet satisfying enough.

“Shu’shused,” she sighed. “I thought you were being dismissed. That would've been disappointing. You're kind of odd and I want you to last at least the full week.”

“Thank… Thank you?” I didn't quite know how to respond to that.

“Who are you talking about?” Micje prodded.

“A really sharp qi’qop,” Panda answered. “She kicked everyone out of the lift to have a private conversation with Jiaal. She looked kind of harsh.”

“She is harsh,” I quietly added. But that's enough of that. “Where is Kama? You had an idea?”

“Yes! She should be here…” Panda stood and looked around. She spotted Kama across the cafeteria, whistled, and waved.

Kama was quick to make her way through the tables to ours. It was getting crowded.

Panda was grinning when she sat down again. “Arlyxe, Kama and I discussed this at length this morning. We suggest working together on our assignments.”

“Is that allowed?” I went through my brain trying to remember if Pilot mentioned something about that at the orientation.

“It's not not allowed,” Riche'e said.

“Exactly,” Panda nodded. “It's not stated anywhere that we can't. And I think it will help us in…”

A loud whirring came from the cuff on Riche'e’s wrist, drowning Panda out. Then it came from Micje’s. Then my tablet. The shrill screaming sound spread to every device in the hall.

There was a distant whistling, somehow audible over this alarm. There was a boom.

The building shook.

#writing #original writing #science fiction #extraplanetary

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