#//i will be getting back to everyone on discord. i've been away this weekend and had to miss opening. let me know if you'd like to plot | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

professorspork · 4 months

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I hope this doesn’t come across as like a pushy “update pls” I promise that’s not how I mean it. I’m curious at what point you feel like a multi-chapter fic is ready to post? Do you write it in its entirety and then edit chapters in between updates, write and edit it in its entirety, write most of it and continue writing the rest between updates? I’m very curious about your process since you’ve been writing some monster word count fics

I really appreciate you asking!

The short version is that I've learned over time that what works best for me is completing a work in its entirety before I start posting; above all I like posting on a reliable schedule for my audience, and I simply do not write quickly enough (or coherently enough) to do that any other way. There are a lot of reasons for that and I WILL ELABORATE ON THEM AT LENGTH:

I have several multi-chapter WIPs from the Glee days-- when I was in college-- that I never finished because I'm a delicate hothouse flower when it comes to maintaining hyperfocus, and I found a new fandom to be in before I could complete them. Back then especially, I was much less disciplined about writing sequentially: I would write parts of the story wildly out of order, focusing on whatever interested me most at the time. That means my hard drive is a graveyard of unpublished content, which sucks-- not only did I never give my audience the resolutions they were looking for, but I never got to receive feedback on parts of the story I was really proud of. I found that really dispiriting.

Going to grad school for screenwriting really helped me focus on telling a story in order, because there is literally no other way to write a screenplay than one scene at a time; it's far too reliant on momentum and consistency to jump ahead to "the good bits" and come back. I also did several projects-- writing my multi-chap Frozen&Tangled polyamory epic for a friend's birthday; pre-writing all my 2015 Cartinelli Week one shots far in advance so I knew they'd be perfect come posting day-- where I had a deadline I wanted everything Done By, which got me in the habit of writing to completion before posting. It wasn't something I thought I was going to be capable of because I'm like Tinkerbell, Finn, I need applause to live feedback is incredibly motivating to me, but having the ability to go back and change things in chapter 2 if I realized they weren't adequately setting up what I wanted to do in chapter 5, or whatever, proved to be just as powerful a motivator in a different way-- it meant I could tell the stories RIGHT, if I took my time with them. I also learned to get at least one cheerleader I could leak snippets to as I went, so that I still got the dopamine hit of the feedback even though I'm ages away from posting for real.

I also found that, as a reader, I always really appreciated when authors could stick to an update schedule so I could look forward to new chapters like I would episodes of television. It's not a standard I expect from anyone, but it is something that makes me really happy-- and the two ways to do it are to either write fast enough that you're just constantly churning out new content (not an option for me, especially on the occasions when I'm actually employed and can only write on weekends) or to pre-write and then slow release. it gives me a feeling of... mastery, I guess? Like "hey everyone here's a gift I'm giving you," as opposed to writing and updating when I can, which makes me feel like I'm always chasing something (BEING chased by something?) and risking losing my audience/my own fickle concentration if I were to wait too long.

My "ONLY post after everything is done" rule is a new one, because I burned myself on rely on certain certainties, the last D/s epic I wrote (lmao can you tell this topic interests me). I worked on that for a year and was 132k in with no end in sight when I started posting, but I was part of a Kristanna discord at the time, and I wanted to seize the audience I had before it disappeared-- which is always the danger of movie fandoms, which never have as much staying power. I had hoped that because I had such a big buffer I could keep writing ahead of the updates as they came up from behind, but I tapped out at 172k when I finished the end of an arc. That kills me, because I have SO MUCH unreleased content for that story which will never see the light of day, because-- again-- I'd let temptation win and wrote ahead to The Juicy Bits instead of forcing myself to go in order.

So, two things I've learned:

Only ever outlining the juicy bits that come late in the game, instead of lovingly finessing their every word, is a great way to trick motivate myself into continuing to write in order so that I can GET to the juicy bits, full stop; if I don't exorcise them they keep haunting me and that helps me stick it out until the end

By holding stories back until they're complete, I give myself the ability to complete them because I'm able to dig myself out of holes I've written myself into. In the old days, if I got stuck because I realized the real root of my issue had come chapters earlier and that's why it's not working now, I'd just... be stuck at that wall, unable to move forward, and that would be that. The idea of going back and editing a published story for narrative content is mortifying to me and something I personally could never do, so-- this way I'm giving myself more tools and options, so that I can tell the story I want to tell and tell it right.

In terms of my actual process, I tend to work like this: my most productive time is when my ADHD meds are at full power, so in an ideal world I am writing new content from like 10am to 3pm or so, getting as far as I can in New Content. Evenings, when I'm no longer in Hyperfocus Productivity Mode, I'll go back and reread things-- sometimes chapters from much earlier-- both to entertain myself and to make edits and changes. Often, that's just moving words around here and there for cadence and flow; rarely, it's adding whole new moments or thoughts to the chapters. I try to write In Order as much as possible, getting chapters beta'd as they're completed. I'm a nitpicky perfectionist, so keeping a hold on my early chapters until everything is posted means I can change them over and over and over again without anyone knowing but me, which I love-- and those changes are getting made right down to the wire. even when the fic is "complete" and I'm "only posting" I'm still making edits; some of people's absolute favorite parts of Newsbees were added literally the night before, when it was the "get everything into AO3 and do the final pass for typos and formatting" stage. Like, Penny writing sudokus on the fly for Ruby at the hospital? Ruby thinking in Adam Font? Those were 11th hour strokes of genius.

So yeah-- that's a very long-winded way of saying that I've found writing to completion first not only makes me more likely to actually finish my WIPs, but it makes my WIPs BETTER because it gives me far, far more time with them. I know it's not something that works for everyone, but in terms of my own sense of like, duty and responsibility and goal-setting, it keeps me on track without risking Guilt completely paralyzing me-- which is what happens when I post as I go and then get interrupted.

THANK YOU FOR COMING TO MY RAMBLE.

#on writing

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violetsaffron5 · 1 year

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Beautiful Disaster (8)

← Chapter 7 • series masterlist • Chapter 9 →

↳ 8 | Tattoos

Pairing: Gojo Satoru x f!Reader

making a life decision with Satoru and the start of Winter break doesn't go as planned

words: 3.6k

cw: stupid decsions, jealousy

an: anyone who knows me knows I love to write a few chapters ahead to make sure I keep the storyline straight but I've been feeling pretty burned out lately.. hopefully it goes away soon. anyway, this is the last chapter I had written ahead on. hope you enjoy!

Taglist • Ao3 • Discord 18+ • Social Media • Series Masterlists

December 2011

Your legs are draped over Satoru’s hips, his legs wrapped around your waist. He’s holding you close with one hand cupping your jaw, the other tangled in your hair.

Satoru’s blindfolded with little white bandages you found in his room, ones he sometimes wraps his hands in when getting ready for a fight. Despite his eyes being covered, you can tell his brows are knitted together, concentrating on the movement of your hand squeezing the tip of his cock the way you’ve learned he likes.

“Fuck, your hand is soft,” he moans before feverishly kissing you.

You smile, lips ghosting one another, breaths mingling as you drag your hand slowly up and down his smooth cock, “mm, soft is good?”

You know the answer, but it doesn’t stop you from asking. Not when you get to hear those little breathy moans he lets slip past his lips before answering.

“Y-yes, soft is good, mm, so good,” you’re teasing him the same way he teases you. It’s almost like a form of torture, how you won’t go any faster, won’t squeeze any harder.

You plant your lips on his tenderly, almost lazily, listening to the content sigh that slips out before he groans in annoyance, “Stop fuckin’ teasing me.”

A smile spreads across your lips as you giggle, letting go of his hard length to run your hands up his sinewy abdominals and chest while he rips the bandage off just enough to show one of his crystalline eyes.

“Ha- you bitch, see how you like it,” He’s grinning, pushing you back on the bed, using one hand to hold your wrists over your head, the other to roll a condom down his length before pushing into you.

He moves with slow, teasing strokes but he’s kissing you sweetly as your back arches, pressing your soft tits against his chest.

The two of you mostly spend your weekends with each other, locked away in his room out of sight from everyone else.

Satoru would be mortified if his friends ever found out how intimate and softer he is with you alone. How you’ve spent more of the days just being with each other, talking and listening than fucking.

There’s been plenty of that too, conversation turning into kissing, turning into him fucking you senseless and then telling you how good you did for him.

It’s mindless and self-indulgent with each other.

He’s learning how good it can be with a partner who is only with him. Someone who’s learning his pace and can keep up with him, match the thrusts of his hips and the tempo he sets to make it better for you both.

You’ve learned the way he likes a lot of things too, both to his enjoyment and annoyance because you take too much pleasure in teasing him about it.

Satoru likes to experiment, open to trying virtually anything. He’d be embarrassed if his friends ever found out about how much he complains about you teasing him but doesn’t do anything to stop it, or the way he moans and whimpers when you ride just the tip in short teasing bursts.

You spend a lot of time just touching each other, exploring each other’s bodies - not always sexually. You’ll find yourself on his bed, legs wrapped around his waist while his are splayed out in front of him. Fingertips ghost over each other’s skin, leaving goosebumps behind, finding each other’s ticklish spots, which areas make you smile and giggle and which make you blush.

Satoru likes to see you in any and every position he can come up with; ropes, restraints, toys, nothing is off-limits with him. And he’s just as open to trying anything you want as well, which is how he ended up blindfolded with you teasing him before fucking into you.

“What’s your family like?” It’s a whisper, you’re laying on your sides facing each other, his arm lazily draped around your waist, the other folded under his head to use as a pillow.

He shrugs while taking a deep breath, “My dad’s always gone for work, never really been around a lot, Mom’s all about image and how our family is portrayed.”

You hum and nod, running your hands along his torso gently as he tells you about his dad’s law firm, and how he’s expected to take over the family business one day.

He’ll make a great lawyer one day, there’s no doubt about that. But with how he’s able to help tutor Yuji and taught you how to surf in a matter of a few hours, he’d also make a great teacher.

You told him as much and he just laughed, said he wasn’t sure if he’d be as great as you think with how nontraditional he likes to do things - you think it’ll just make him that much better.

He asks about yours and you tell him things are complicated with your mom. How the two of you aren’t particularly close and you’re not looking forward to spending the next two weeks at home with her during Winter break.

“We’ll hang out,” he promises, playing with your hand, and kissing your forehead before sitting up, “can’t let you forget how much you like me.”

You laugh, sitting up to put on the simple black dress you plan to wear tonight, “you wanna keep me?”

He gives a small, wistful smile as he throws on a tight black shirt with tan baggy pants that has a black belt weaved through the waist, getting ready for the fight he has tonight.

“Wanna do something crazy?” He asks after you’ve gotten dressed, grabbing you by the waist and pulling you into him.

You narrow your eyes at him, “Define crazy.”

He smirks, grabbing your hand, and leading you out of his bedroom and down the stairs to the living room. There’s music playing, not as loud as usual since partygoers are just starting to arrive, and most are going to head downstairs to the basement, getting ready to watch the fights.

You’re not sure who Satoru is fighting tonight, not that it really matters. You’ve seen him fight plenty of times to know he’s going to win with ease.

“Let’s give each other tattoos.”

Your eyes widen, letting out a soft laugh, “Are you serious?”

“I said something crazy, didn’t I?”

Choso had been over the night before to hang out, much to Satoru’s irritation. It’s something Choso and Suguru do for fun from time to time, they had purchased a tattoo kit and will do simple, small designs if someone asks them.

Satoru doesn’t say it, but you can tell by his actions he doesn’t like Choso by the way he’s more handsy when Choso’s around, pulls you in closer to him, and has you sit on his lap while you’re talking to him.

“I… don’t know about this.” You’re biting your lip in hesitation. If your mom found out about it, there’s a good chance she would have a conniption fit. Who’s to say what she would do, could be something like a little yelling or she could take it as far as no longer paying for your housing.

“Come on,” he whispers in your ear, wrapping his arms around your waist, “Something small for just the two of us.”

You take a moment to think about it, but you know you’ll give in. You’ll follow him anywhere, he’s crazy sometimes, but that’s all part of his charm, what’s drawn you closer to him.

“Fine, okay. Where should we-”

“Ring fingers.” You stare at him bewildered and shocked he would make that suggestion of all places. You were thinking maybe ankle or hip, “Cause you’re the only one I want.”

“What if we break up? Satoru, we haven’t been together very long.”

“I mean, yeah that would suck but I don’t want to break up, so it’s fine!”

Satoru gives a devilish grin, sitting down and fidgeting with the ink and tattoo gun, “do you even know what you’re doing?”

“Nope!”

“Great, so we’re also going to get hepatitis.”

“Probably!”

“God, you’re insane you know that?” But you’re smiling, laughing, and watching as Suguru makes his way over, tearing the machine out of Satoru’s hands.

It takes a little convincing on Satoru’s end but he convinces Suguru to do your tattoos. Suguru ends up looking at you several times, really questioning if this is what you want, but you agree to it.

Satoru draws out the same little infinity symbols he did on your first date, giving them to Suguru who does his due diligence in placing the design on the inside of your fingers.

You go first, more hesitant than Satoru to get this done. There’s not a doubt in your mind he’ll go through with it, especially if you do. You take yours better than he does, hissing a few times compared to the absolute whimpers he lets slip at the slight stinging feeling.

He jokes that you’re tougher than he is and that you should probably be the one going into the fight tonight instead of him.

When Suguru’s done, and everything is cleaned up you can’t help but laugh, running your hands over your face while sitting on the coffee table across from Satoru, “Oh my god, this was such a bad fucking idea.”

Satoru stares at you with a grin, looking at you like he absolutely adores you before placing his hand on both sides of your face and pressing his soft lips on yours. He swipes his tongue over your lips once and you open, letting him explore your mouth while simultaneously moving over to straddle his hips.

You stay like this for a while, your hands tangled into his hair with his holding your face until it’s time for him to head downstairs for the fights.

The sounds of a jaw cracking and fists making contact with sweaty skin are barely audible over the roars of the crowd that’s gathered in the basement of the house.

Satoru is fighting some freshmen who asked for this fight, apparently, Satoru had picked on the poor kid in one of their classes together enough to piss the kid off.

It’s easy for Satoru, he’s barely breaking a sweat as he dips and dodges each of the punches the kid throws, blocks any leg kicks that come his way with his forearm or his own legs. He’s laughing hysterically, teasing the kid for no other reason than to piss him off more.

You watch off to the side, next to Shoko, in your usual spot. You’re not being pushed and prodded at like you have been when watching these fights in the past. The crowd’s less full tonight than usual due to so many people having already left for Winter break.

“Quit being a pussy and fight me!” The kid spits, trying to catch his breath.

“You know what, you’re so right,” Satoru laughs, hands flung to the side, “this is boring anyway.”

You can tell Satoru pulled his punch, with the way his fist connected with the kid's jaw and how he stumbled back, several people in the crowd catching him. He’s still conscious, which is evidence enough of Satoru’s holding back.

The small horde cheers before beginning to file out of the basement. Some help the kid Satoru just beat while others stop to pat his back. Meanwhile, Satoru easily strides over to you with a smile, pressing his lips to yours and wrapping his arm around your waist.

His undercut is slightly wet from sweat, and you can taste a hint of saltiness when he slides his tongue into your mouth, pressing it against yours. You smile into the kiss, chest arched into him as he walks you back until you're pressed against a table.

Satoru lifts you, setting you on the table, licking a strip from your neck to your jaw before nuzzling his nose into yours.

His pupils are dilated from the adrenaline of fighting, and probably from the pill you shared before the fights began. He took one half, and you took the other, just enough to feel the effects and have a good time but not have a horrible hangover the next day when you’re expected to go home.

Satoru offered to drive you to back Kyoto, but you told him it was okay, promising you’ll see him over break. It’s easy enough to go by bullet train, and it would save him several hours of driving if he just heads back to his house.

Satoru slips his hands over the fabric of your dress. His hands squeeze your breasts. He’s moving the straps off your shoulder when you hear loud footsteps coming from the stairs followed by a series of giggles. The two of you both press your foreheads together and take a breather.

“Shit, sorry man,” You hear the gruff voice of your professor, Toji, before turning your head to see him and the girl he’s clearly looking to have a good time with. The same one who sits in the front row of your World History class each week, always wearing something yellow.

Tonight it’s a pale yellow dress, one that likely provides easy access.

“We thought we’d be alone down here since everyone’s looking for Gojo upstairs.” The girl giggles, hanging onto your professor's arm.

Satoru glares at them, before nodding his head, signaling for them to leave. They take the hint pretty easily, and as soon as they head back up the stairs, Satoru’s lips are back on your neck.

“Are those two, like, together?” You ask curiously, wrapping your legs around his waist.

His reply is muffled against your neck, “Yeah, but they have to keep it quiet since he could get fired.”

“Mm. Not sure if a party full of students is the best play for them to be sneaking around.”

Satoru pulls away, beautiful crystal eyes flickering between yours, “Yeah, shockingly I don't want to talk about them right now. Your mouth can be used for something so much better.”

“Don't be gross,” You playfully smack his chest causing his lower lip to protrude in a pout before a Cheshire grin takes over.

His hands delicately and slowly move up your thighs and you spread them automatically, letting him run his fingers over the top of your panties.

There’s a jolt of electricity that shoots to the apex of your thighs each time he presses his thumb lightly to your clit, causing your breath to hitch. He smiles when he feels the pool of slick forming in the center of your panties just from his light touches.

It doesn’t matter how many times you’ve had each other, it’s never enough, always wanting to be by each other's side, near one another any chance you get.

Satoru leans you down on the table, about to flip your dress up to expose your glistening pussy to him, but the familiar sound of someone else coming down the stairs can be heard.

You can’t see her, but you can clearly hear her melodic voice and it makes you roll your eyes, “Satoru, where are you?”

He groans, tilting his head back in annoyance, “I’m a little preoccupied.”

“Kind of tacky to be fucking in a dirty basement, don’t you think?”

You sit up on your elbows, glaring at Mei who refuses to look in your direction, keeping her feline-like eyes on Satoru as he rolls his eyes, “Seemed pretty okay with it when it was you on this table. What do you want?”

Ice runs through your veins at his comment.

You’ve always known there’s always a possibility that whatever random place he wants to fuck, in the house or outside, he’s probably had someone else there too, that Mei has likely been in the same positions as you.

But it was easy to push that thought aside when you’re in the moment; when he’s making you feel pleasure in ways you never knew were possible before him.

“People are getting rowdy looking for you. It’s probably time for you to head upstairs.”

She doesn’t turn on her heel and walk away. Instead, she stands with hands folded over her chest, tapping her heel on the cement waiting for Satoru to help you up and adjust your dress.

You look at Satoru with pleading eyes, wanting him to finish what he’s started, wanting him to choose you over Mei who obviously came down to purposely ruin your moment together, but he just chuckles and tucks a few strands of hair behind your ear, “we can finish later. I’ll make it up to you, promise.”

You pout, “Easy for you to say when you’re not the one being edged.”

A victorious smirk spreads across Mei’s lips as she heads up the stairs with you and Satoru following suit.

It’s a week into your Winter break and you haven’t seen or really heard from Satoru. Not since the night you got your matching tattoos.

You’ve tried calling or texting him several times, but you’ve been met with silence each time.

There was one night, a few days ago where he tried calling, but you had missed it. You and your mother had been arguing, and you left the house to get away for a while but forgot to grab your phone when you hurried out the door.

He didn’t send a text, didn’t even leave a voicemail, and since then, it’s been silent again.

It’s frustrating, but it’s also the holidays, so you’re trying to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Today, your mom has made you come to Tokyo with her to go shopping. The streets are packed and filled with Christmas decorations, and the trees have fairy lights wrapped around the base of the trunks up through each of the branches.

Couples are walking around hand in hand, and happy families shopping together. The streets are loud with conversation, kids running around in excitement for their time out in public.

It’s really quite pretty and you find yourself wishing you were able to experience this with Satoru rather than your mother who is chattering away about something. You’re not entirely sure what she’s on about since you haven’t been listening.

Since your stint of walking out of the house the other day, she’s forced you to come to Tokyo with her for quality time. Which is just more of an opportunity to have you alone, and talk about how great her boyfriend is.

All of this talk about her relationship and seeing happy couples out on the streets has you missing and pining for Satoru. Not that you’ve bothered to mention him to her, for several reasons.

She’ll want to meet him, of course. And last time you brought a boyfriend home to meet your mother, it didn’t exactly work out in your favor, and you’d much rather try to avoid that again this time, if at all possible.

“Can you at least try to look like you’re having a good time?” Your mother says, walking a few steps ahead of you, head turned to look at you through the corner of her eyes, annoyance etched into her features.

You groan and roll your eyes while following her into a pastry shop. The overhead bell dings when you walk in and the aroma of little baked goods immediately fills your senses.

Satoru would love this place, you’re sure. With the dim lighting, a few small tables for two, and adorable little cakes and pastries in the display case.

It’s shockingly not very packed in this petite shop, only a few customers ahead of you, so when you get to the front, you take your time looking at all of the wonderful desserts. There are little cakes shaped like cats, macarons, and mochi balls.

Before ordering a few for yourself, you take out your phone and snap a few pictures, planning on sending them to Satoru later when you get home. You hope you’ll be able to give him a couple before they go bad.

When you make your way out of the shop, a paper bag filled with pastries in hand, a wide smile spreads across your face, because across the street, just outside of a few clothing shops is Satoru in a light jacket, dark scarf around his neck.

He’s standing next to a couple who could only be his parents; his father, just as tall and lanky as he is, with salt and pepper hair and a black peacoat. His mother’s hair is just as stark white as his, styled perfectly with a cream-colored coat.

And out of the shop he’s standing next to, you can swear you can hear the loud, boisterous laugh coming from the head of straight silver hair that walks out despite all of the chatter on the street.

She’s holding several bags, handing them to Satoru who accepts them without question.

Your stomach falls, and an acidic taste fills your throat while tears prick at the corner of your eyes.

Satoru is out shopping with his parents, whom you haven’t really gotten him to talk about, aside from here and there, let alone had the opportunity to meet.

Yet here she is. Someone he claims to only be his friend, despite their past romantic relationship, someone he’s quelled your worry for on multiple occasions, only to find he’s been lying this entire time.

“Can you hurry up?” Your mother's voice is fuzzy, distorted until you snap out of your trance, watching Satoru, “There are other stores I want to go to.”

“Go alone. I’m heading home, I don’t feel well.”

@petalsrdead @sugurunicorn @niki-sun @lilith412426 @sofiaconlaz @lxvephxbic @kash2 @violetsapplejuice @iam-mia9 @laylasbunbunny @creolequeen11210 @xiaosie @lem-hhn @s-witch-bitch @yogurttea @slut-jr @watyousayin @desthedemon @ritsatoru @faewithsnakes @abba-simp @myabae @hvziers @etherealkakashi @arminsgfloll @whats-humanity-lol @saiewithakatana @kiyomeichann

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sanguinelupus · 7 months

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i know i'm usually only here once a week on the weekends anyway, but i also do tend to get on mobile a lot throughout the week. i haven't been, and that's because so much is going on in my life right now that the thought of getting online here just isn't even in my head right now. it isn't important.

while i do enjoy this hobby a lot, it is still just that -- a hobby. and i will come back to it when my life isn't so chaotic. that could be two days from now or two weeks from now...who knows. but i'm just letting you guys know that my activity (while it's already low) will be extremely sparse and i am going to prioritize established mutuals over new ones.

i am always on discord and everyone is welcome to message me there if you want to talk or yell about our characters. if i don't respond right away, please understand that i have a lot going on right now.

if you want details of what's been going on, it's under the cut.

at the end of september/beginning of october, our water was cut off because of the water company being absolutely shady and manipulative and lying to us for months prior, and we and to figure out how to come up with over $2,000 very quickly because living without running water in today's world is just not feasible, especially when everything else in your house is working completely normally. luckily we only had to go a few days without water, but the situation was just a fucking nightmare especially because on top of it, my wife and i were working our new-ish jobs as normally as we possibly could; she works 32 hours a week and i work 40, both of us work with children. i was on my lunch break trying to figure out how much water my wife had to buy when she got off work just so we could flush our toilets once or twice throughout the night. i was in my preschool classroom sitting in the floor cutting out laminated farm animals while on the phone with the water company who told me i had insufficient funds in my account when i was staring at my bank that said $2,400 at that moment in time. my wife had to be woken up so she could take cash down to the water company and they had our water back on within 30 minutes, but the stress of all of the bullshit we were going through doesn't just go away.

the week after that was also extremely stressful and overstimulating because of things out of our control.

the past week has been spent worrying about my cat, who has deteriorated EXTREMELY rapidly. she won't eat her normal food, she is constantly getting dirty somehow, her eyes are almost always stuck shut every day and i have to clean them every morning, she's lost so much weight in such a short amount of time and has no energy for anything other than sitting in the same spot. because we work so much, we have not had the time to even call a vet much less make an appointment for her. we managed to get her in somewhere on monday, but that means i'm having to miss work. i've been feeding her liquid/broth cat food and continuing to clean her every day so she can function, though.

the brakes on our car have also deteriorated extremely quickly in the last week, and they're being replaced today. getting an appointment on a sunday of all days was stressful, and trying to plan it around what my wife has had going on for work this weekend was also very stressful. my wife has had only one day off this week and still has to go back to work tomorrow after a weekend of nothing but overstimulation and stress. the brakes are going to be over $500 to have fixed.

my wife's grandfather has also been in critical condition for a while now, and they are expecting him to pass within the next three weeks. we will both have to plan for paying for plane tickets to the funeral, as well as mentally preparing for dealing with her (extremely conservative & fucking awful) family.

all of this is on top of me working with preschool aged autistic children, and things have been chaotic and stressful there too. i'm not going to be at work tomorrow when we're getting a new student, and whenever the normal teachers are out of the classroom, the kids are thrown off completely and end up acting out. but i quite literally just have no other option, my cat HAS to go to the vet. she should have gone last week, but again, we just have not had the time.

who knows what else will pop up in the meantime. i am autistic and all of this overstimulation is not good for my mental health AT ALL. my wife has been extremely depressed lately and all of this is not good for HER mental health at all. we are both just trying to survive right now, but shit will not stop happening.

so i hope everyone can see why tumblr roleplay is quite literally the last thing on my mind right now.

#that one zelda nerd is speaking ; ooc #PSA.

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dervampireprince · 6 months

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Saying thank you over and over will never feel like enough. I cannot be more grateful to everyone who showed up to my subathon event this weekend. What I expcted to be a 1 day event became 3, the max goal of 50 I thought we'd reach with goals for 75 and 100 written as jokes became... well... On Friday you guys hit all the goals and you were still giving subs so I wanted to make more goals so the subs counted towards something and I let you guys in chat decide with me and for some reason you guys wanted merch of my ocs. So we made those extra goals. And we hit them all on Saturday. So we made more goals. And we hit all those on Sunday. So we made more goals. And we hit one more of those on Sunday. And I am blown away. Look at the the original subathon plan compared to what we ended up with. I thought at most we'd get 50 subs, and we ended up with 232!

I kept saying it during the subathon, but I'll keep saying: Thank you all so much. Whether you gave any subs, bits or Ko-Fi donations, whether you chatted or lurked, whether you just came along for the ride, thank you all so much. The majority if not all of this money raised is going into my moving out fund. For those who haven't been on stream I've been trying to get over staying scared and silent and have been opening up about currently living in an unhealthy household with an abusive family member and while I was aiming to move out within the next few years it's becoming apparent I need to get out of here a lot sooner and my current goal is to move out within a year. My Patreon is the majority of my income and thank you so much to my Patrons. As I always say in my Youtube outros if everyone who followed me gave me just £1 a month on Patreon that would help me out so much and allow me to move out and keep making audios, make more content, and make it in a better environment.

I have a lot of work to be getting on with now. We reached certain goals that mean I now have to get to work making keychains of Ambrose and Arden and stickers of all of my audio OCs, as well as art earned by the individual incentives and giveaways. If you qualified for any of the incentives or won any of the giveaways please reach out to me via Twitch, Tumblr, Discord or Twitter so I can get to work making your rewards. The keychains and stickers will be up in my Etsy shop when done and I'll make an announcement for them. If you gave any subs, bits or donations during the subathon event because we reached the 175 subs goal you're all entitled to a discount for my Etsy shop. I will try and reach out to everyone to give them the discount code but if don't receive one from me and you should please reach out to me.

Streams will be back to normal on Friday for more Alice Madness Returns, no stream on Saturday this week but there will be one on Sunday for the 40 sub goal reward as I will be playing Toontown Corporate Clash with chat, teaching anyone the ropes and helping them complete tasks. We've still yet to decide on a date for the Discord community game night but it'll within the next few weeks. My Discord is Patreon exclusive and we have a lot of fun in there. Starting in October I'm hosting watch party nights every week for every other month, meaning we did every week in October and then we'll be doing every week in December. The theme for December's watch parties is 'fairy tales' and we'll be watching musicals and ballets that fit that theme.

As always my Ko-Fi donations, audio and art commissions are open. I have a Patreon and an Etsy shop, and just watching my videos here gives me ad revenue.

Thank you again. I don't know what else to say. These three days of streaming have been the most fun I've had in a long time. Thank you to everyone who came along. I hope to continue creating content for you all. I'm so grateful for your kindness and generosity. ❤️

#the vampire rambles

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nickybe · 7 months

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hello wannabe once again it is august (bejinyoung & beyejun) back with my first third muse ever!! if nicky sounds familiar to anyone, i've used him in a few idol rps before and he's a character very near and dear to my heart so i'm so excited to be writing him again.

anyway, i'm ready to get him involved (and honestly, need threads for the halloween events with my other boys too!) so i'll put a little info about nicky under the cut and would appreciate it if u could message me on discord (i'm in the wannabe server) OR on @bejinyoung's blog (i'm usually logged in there) if you want to plot!!

his background is kinda long but to sum it up, nicky's a nepo baby but also a survivor of narcissistic abuse (his mother was fcking awful)

parents are celebs who had a messy public divorce when he was a toddler, mom got full custody, and when he was 12 her act fell apart and he finally got to go stay with his dad

also he was a child actor, you might've seen him make appearances in movies/dramas/commercials when he was a wee one but he hasn't been in any "breakout" roles (mom sabotaged anything that would've made him more popular than her)

but now he's in therapy! and a much better home (his dad stepped away from the spotlight to raise him now, very supportive dad too) but there's some lasting trust issues and an overall prickly demeanor that's probably a coping mechanism

he's incredibly ambitious and competitive. once he sets his mind on a goal he will stop at nothing to achieve it. currently, he's interested in being an idol. he's not sure why, he just wants to do it. so he probably will someday! sr media interests him the most bc of his acting background

other hobbies... he's attending uni rn (unnamed for plotting purposes!), theatre major (nerd). super studious, will join any study group and tell everyone there that they're idiot sandwiches. he's a good cook (had to fend for himself a lot growing up), he likes to read (we could start a book club), and maybe just to really play up the tsun image he volunteers at an animal shelter on weekends or something... definitely has a secret soft spot for cute things.

idk if this is much to go off of but! hopefully we can get some plots going! i love this kid and am excited to see where he goes in wannabe!!

#.ooc

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bottlecaprabbitgames · 1 year

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Weekly Update for 3 April, 2023

Hello, everyone! Welcome to the first weekly update of April!

Mind Games: Trepidation

So, where are we with MG:T?

As of earlier this week, I fully finished fleshing out Scene 1/4 of Chapter 6! I'm also on the very last choice of Scene 2 and it'll be finished, but it is a rather varied section as it changes depending on a choice you made earlier in the chapter, so it might take me a hot second to finish it off. Very exciting, however!

I'm also half-way done with Scene 3's roughdraft, and then all we'll have left is Scene 4, but Scene 4 is an alternate POV so there likely won't be any choices to write, just some variations, if any. We have only a little left to get through, so I'm very hopeful that Chapter 6 is still on track to be released this month!

Chapter 6 is also sitting at a little over 10,000 words! My goal is to hit at least 12,000, but I do feel this will be a shorter chapter, which is totally fine! There's quite a bit I want to go back later and add to, but for now, I am happy with how things have gone so far. Super happy, actually, as almost all the choices I've written so far will have impact as the series progresses, either from you guys setting up more customization or by what you choose to reveal... or keep hidden. And some other interesting things, hehe.

But, overall, I am very satisfied with how Chapter 6 is progressing, and it will all be released as one major update (might also add some other stuff to update along with it, maybe more achievements, other stuff tbd). We will be following the same update pattern as last time: Patreon, Discord, public. I'm really excited to get it out to y'all, as the friend I drop snippets to and discuss stuff with to brainstorm has been STOKED the entire time we've talked!!

Now, as a fair warning, progress this coming week is very likely to be slow. As I posted on here before, my mom has only been home a few days after a 16-day stay in the hospital as she developed gangrene near her broken hip, and she has a lot of care we have to give her. I'll be going this week to finish my training on how to change her bandages (I actually know how to do it, there's just one specific part I'm not so good with, so her wound care nurse is gonna make sure I have that down pat), as I will have to do so on the weekends and any day her home health nurse or wound care nurse are unavailable. Quite a bit of pressure!

And, I also know most of you guys are aware The Wayhaven Chronicles by the amazing @seraphinitegames (just in case you aren't) has its third book releasing this week, and I am gonna be very honest, I'm gonna be absorbing it through my very eyeballs LOL. I am going to be diving in whole-heartedly to enjoy Mason's route and possibly A's or Nate's.

I've also really been in the mood to play games lately, so I'm planning to take time out to indulge a little bit, as I took a good... 5? 6? months or more away from gaming much outside of recording, and given I have Fatal Frame 4 and the OG Resident Evil 4 to lets play... WELL, I am definitely considering dropping loads of time into both and just relax when I can this week!

Alright, I'll see you guys next Monday!

#weekly update #mind games: trepidation #mind games #interactive fiction #if

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sytokun · 2 years

Note

Hey this is KaiYeti. I am going to be sending you this same exact message off of anonymous after sending this one so you know its me. Okay? Okay. Now if all of this anonymous hate that you are getting is in fact from the same asshat, Why don't you just turn off anonymous to fully block them. If that are a coward that can only attack when hiding behind a mask, Take the mask away. I know you won't get to answer other anonymous questions but hey, its better they giving attention to an asshole. That said have a nice weekend. *yetihug*

Thank you.

Yes, I've mentioned wanting to keep anons on so others can use it. That said, there is also much to be said whether something is just "feeding a troll" vs. "making everyone aware of who Canonseeker is".

Many, many people have been affected by Eren. People whom they would very much like to be silent, so they can go hide under another fake identity, infect another Discord server or subreddit, spread their toxic shit, get banned, and repeat the cycle.

There is a thin line between a troll and an actual malignant influence on the RWBY fandom, and Eren inches enough into the latter to warrant action. I know trolls when I see them - they come and go, squirm like worms and are summarily banned. Eren is far more than a random shitflinger in someone's comment section. Trolls lose all their power once you ignore them and don't give them attention. Eren is not the same.

Go to nearly any RWBY video, and you will see Eren there, often posting on their two dummy accounts and having arguments and piss fights with commenters there, often having conversations with themselves just to gang up on commenters. I've seen it enough times that it becomes sickening.

Eren has made it their business to plant themselves like a weed and creep into every facet of the RWBY fandom, even after being banned and being told in no uncertain terms by multiple communities that they are not wanted there. They make new accounts so people don't recognise them, so they can return to the same spaces that they've been banned from.

If I turn off my anons, then Eren is just going to target someone else. And really, I'd rather they be wasting time focused on someone actually aware of their actions and with thick enough skin to call their bullshit, than for them to prey on the ignorance of some random innocent fan who wouldn't know what kind of shit they'd be getting into if Eren has them in their sights.

All of us targeted by Canonseeker were those once - we trusted Eren when they came into our DMs pretending to be a friend or concerned fan, when they give us fake praise looking to buy commissions or tell us to "give Answerseeker a chance while hiding behind their mask. Then one wrong move and this fucker will backstab you and will use their fake accounts to spread lies and turn people against you.

At that point, ignoring them and staying silent only gives them more power to lie to more people and get their fake story about you into peoples' ears first. And you can't fight back because it just looks like 5 different people are saying you're a bad person, when it's really one person puppeteering 5 accounts. But most RWBY fans don't know that, so they're going to believe the 5 "people" over you.

Finding out that these were all lies, that all these multiple separate people were just one person, a person who's been DMing you and been on your server for months or even years, fucks with you. It makes you distrustful of others and leaves you feeling like you've been played as a fool and completely disrespected as a person. It kills your love for the fandom knowing what someone out there is capable of just because you wanted to make stuff you enjoy and you happened to be in their radar.

Eren is a cancer on the RWBY fandom, and if me answering their asks makes another person aware that such a person can and does exist in the fandom, and may one day DM or tweet at them looking for favours and acting friendly, only to backstab them the moment their true identity is outed or they disagree on something as trivial and stupid as a ship choice, then that's just how it has to be.

Eren is a special type of fandom disease, who only profits from people not calling them out and identifying their behaviour. The less people are aware of them, the more they can invade their spaces and evade bans.

If the RWBY fandom is more sick of me talking about Canonseeker than they are of Canonseeker themselves, then their priorities are fucked, but if it gets them sick enough that they have to acknowledge Canonseeker exists and is no one they should associate with, then good.

#syto asks #canonseeker #answerseeker #rwde

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olivcrwilliams · 3 years

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( jordan fisher, 22, cismale, he/him) OLIVER WILLIAMS , don’t think that you have gotten off easy because i haven’t told the school REDACTED sweetie , no one can hide from me - not even a MEMBER of SIGMA TAU RHO. oh no, your secret is most certainly not safe with me. you know , i asked around about you & most people said that you reminded them of BARRY ALLEN with GOOD DAYS BY SZA playing in the background , that’s very interesting - i wonder how accurate they are. ( marv , 24, cismale, est)

hey everyone. i’m sorry for not being on these past two days. my friends decided to get an airbnb, surprise me, and then just swooped me away. im here now and happy to bring this character to life!

Basic Info; Name: Oliver Silas Williams Age: 22 Gender: cismale Hometown: Dallas, Texas Major: Secondary Education (Chemistry) Orientation: Homosexual Background; tw: drug mentions, abandonment - oliver is originally from dallas, texas. born to a mother and father who were not at all ready to raise a child. his dad at the time he was born was a pretty respected police officer and his mother had been a nurse at one of the local hospitals. from what he could remember, oliver’s parents were pretty absent outside of coming home at night. for a long time he believed his parents were hard-workers who loved what they did. - often times his older siblings would help take care of him, so it was never something that bothered him (at least that’s what he says). his parents missed a lot of soccer games, theater shows, academic achievements, etc. and he did his absolute best to keep his head up. - when oliver turned 10 years old, that’s when his life was turned around. he went to bed at 11:00 PM, and was awoken not even 2 hours later to the sounds of people that he’d originally thought they were breaking into his house. he and his brother thought they were being robbed until the realization set in that his parents were being arrested. his mother and father were both trafficking drugs. she was stealing pills from her job and he’d been selling many confiscated drugs that he would take from the confiscation rooms. - oliver and his 4 other siblings were immediately moved to live in dallas,texas with his mother’s parents, who they lived with until the move to college. his parents were going to be in prison for an indefinite amount of time, so his grandparents became his legal guardians. oliver has tried to put the situation past him and do better, but he can’t help to fall back on that overall feeling of abandonment and his parents placing money over their own children. - Oliver’s grandparents were great on the surface, but they were VERY religious. Oliver growing up was always told to act accordingly to their religious beliefs, and while they gave him support and were very present in his life, he’d still felt as if he’d been restricted on a lot of things. - Oliver had to often hide many of his daily lifestyles from his grandparents. When he realize he was gay he kept it a secret. Many other things involving watching certain tv shows/movies, being very left when it comes to politics, going to parties, joining certain organizations, sneaking out to hang out with his friends, him being agnostic, him smoking weed, etc. He learned to deal with it in his own way, and going through heavy amounts of trauma has made him learn to become very humble and very humorous from it. - Things really started to change when oliver went to high school, and his grandparents started becoming ‘members’ of a very shady religious organization. [I’m going to not get into this because it ties into his secret, but hopefully this is enough]. Oliver by force had to be part of this community, and started to see the decline in his grandparents and just how angry they were with the world. He kept this a secret for a long time, and still keeps it a secret because he doesn’t want anyone to know just how badly most of his family has turned out. - Oliver immediately applied to a college that was as far away from his family as he could, and his doing his best to move on from his life. He has dreams of becoming a chemistry teacher while also doing what he can to change the world for the better.

Personality; - oliver is someone who has been through so much that he’s learned to laugh many things off no matter how good or bad they may be. he’s always trying to tell a joke or make a witty response to the situation. he loves to make people laugh. it’s hard for him to be serious. - he’s very blunt. he assumes a lot of things he says out loud were said non-verbally. there’s also an issue of him blurting things out of his mouth out of pure impulse. he can also be VERY sarcastic but has trouble detecting sarcasm. - oliver can be considered quirky in the comedic relief sense. he is very goofy and doesn’t mean to be. - when he knows not working, he’s always down to be around other people. even if he’s just gotten off a long shift you could still find him at a bar or hanging out with his friends. - he has a hard time sharing his feelings or talking much about himself. it makes him uncomfortable because it usually ties back into his past and feelings he’d much rather forget. - he’s usually a pretty happy guy and does his best to hide whatever negative may be going on with him.

#MEADOWBANK.INTRO #//i will be getting back to everyone on discord. i've been away this weekend and had to miss opening. let me know if you'd like to plot #intro

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iibonniee · 2 years

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Update!

I am really bad at keeping my word with things and I do apologize to those who've been waiting for an update of any kind. I took this weekend to catch up on sleep. Saturday I truly struggled with sleeping. I was waking up at odd times, and I ended up forcing myself to simply stay away after a certain point.

I've been getting so exhausted its physically making me ill. The past few weekdays I've dealt with going out dealing with mood swings, random heat flashes, and nausea. I know it isn't COVID because I literally do this to myself all the time. It's not often intentional, but I often fight my sleep to the point where I get my body sick and begging. Even at that point, like last night, I still wasn't able to force my body to rest and I genuinely started worrying that I was getting sick.

I'm fine now, but I'm still exhausted. Please don't worry about me all too much. It's bad for my body to get used to an unhealthy schedule when I know I have school and I allowed it anyways. So that was my own mistake.

I've also found myself in a ping pong of feeling the need to write, and not really feeling it but wanting to because seeing everyone happy makes me happy. I hate the feeling so much. As of recently I've tried everything to spark the fire. Reading, reading my own works/WIPs and nothing. I'm not burned out of it; I'm genuinely stressed because of school.

With how fast time is flying, I'm struggling to keep up. I've been offered an amazing opportunity next year to take classes that can help me become a Nursing Assistant. It's something I've always wanted to do, and I got a chance to shadow the classes at the end of this month. My only worry is knowing that there's a slim chance I can get into the class. For that I'll keep you all updated.

Please, bear with me. All the stories for this year will see the light but promised stories might be pushed back only for the time being. I can't thank you guys enough for the support even with my lack of updates. You don't understand how much it truly means to me.

While I take this time to figure out what I want to do next and focus on bettering my health, my asks are always open for chatting. I always love seeing messages from you guys anon or not.

Before I end this, I'm in the process of making a discord with my friend. It's a Monsta X based server, but it'll always offer things from other groups. It's not done yet, but when it is I'll let you guys know if you would like to know.

Until then, Bonnie 🧡

#bonnies updates

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flameohotwife · 2 years

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2021 Year End Fic Review

Thank you @itsmoonpeaches and @northerngoshawk for the tags! I love ask games :)

How many stories did you complete?

I have 20 works on ao3 as of right now. 19 of those are completed works (well, 18 I guess if you count the collection of kataang-100s as unfinished, but each 100 word drabble is self contained so...)

What is your total word count for the year?

66,684 according to ao3, not including the wips sitting in my google docs

What fandoms did you write in this year?

ATLA and LOK. And not even really LOK, but I am careful to tag fics of grown-up Aang and Katara (especially when they have or are thinking about having kids) as LOK lest the antis come for me. The closest I got to writing LOK was Til We Meet Again (rated G), which takes place about a week after Aang's death, but still about 16ish years before LOK begins.

Did you write more, less, or roughly about what you expected?

Definitely more. I was not expecting to write AT ALL until this spring when I joined tumblr and discord and fandom friends encouraged me to get back into writing (after almost 15 years). So every word I wrote was previously unexpected.

What’s your own favorite story of this year?

This question is always so hard, because my favorite fic changes depending on my mood. Balance and Babies (rated G), is definitely always up there, though, and Reborn in New Love (rated E), a fic I initially started writing for @vanillabutspicy but became incredibly invested in, personally, is definitely a favorite as well for the year.

What is your most underappreciated story of the year?

Personally, I think probably Hopeful Again (rated E) is the most underappreciated, but also I get that the combination of aangst/grief and smut are not everyone's cup of tea. I worked really hard on making that fic meaningful and sensitive to the content though, to the point where I couldn't actually write *anything* for weeks afterward because I felt so drained--like I had poured some of myself into it and needed to replenish first--so it holds a special place in my heart, even if it has half the kudos (but about the same number of hits) as my other smut weekend piece.

What’s your most appreciated story of 2021?

In terms of kudos, hits, and comments, it's definitely Growing Pains (rated E) on all counts. In terms of the hits:kudos ratio, though, it's far and away With You (rated T), the secret santa fic I wrote for @itsmoonpeaches (and the very first fic I ever wrote in present tense. As a present. Get it? Haha). It's still a very recent fic, though, so that could change.

Biggest fanfic related disappointment of 2021?

That I haven't been *reading* as much fic as I'd like to recently. For many reasons, my brain has just not been cooperating with me and there are SO MANY GOOD FICS that I have really wanted to read but just... can't. If the fic is longer than about 2k words, or has any heavier content, I haven't been able to focus on it, and that makes me sad because those are usually my favorites to read (we all know I love fluff, too, but I enjoy a little angst with my fluff sometimes. A little hurt/comfort, if you will. For balance).

Biggest fanfic related surprise of 2021?

That other people actually seem to read and enjoy my writing? Hahahaha. No but seriously, after almost fifteen years away from creative writing, I really had no clue what to expect from myself. And I've always been very self-conscious about my writing, as anyone who has ever had to workshop for me (wayyyy back in college) could tell you. So the fact that not only fandom friends, but also complete internet strangers read my fics and sometimes comment on them or leave kudos means a lot.

Something you are looking forward to working on in 2022?

Writing the next (and possibly final) chapter of Growing Pains so I can move onto other works in the Explorations series, finishing a labor-induction fic I promised (and started for) @coyotelemon, and possibly a cloudbaby birth (and post-birth celebration) fic and/or a cloudbaby exploration of their mixed heritage. The two "possibly" ideas have been on my mind a lot, but would also require a lot of research to do them well and respectfully, and research intimidates me, so I make no promises at this point.

tagging: @bluemooninglight, @anervoussapphic, @shameaboutthedilettantism, @princessofnewcorona, @waterbearwaltz and anyone else who wants to do this!

#2021 year end fic review #ask game #fic ask game #kataang fanfiction #my writing #ratings are listed next to the links #I spent way too long looking up links and typing this out yesterday and then lost the post when my kids got up bahaha #so here's take two

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cryinghole-blog · 7 years

Conversation

Xav: I'll talk to you on Steam but won't join tipchat again

Chinye: whats wrong

Xav: I dunno

Xav: I'm yelling a lot

Xav: Keep on changing what I want to do

Xav: Keep on fidgeting

Xav: So I'll talk after this shower

Chinye: ok

Chinye: i hope u feel better

Chinye: is something about tipchat bothering u?

Chinye: something i said?

Xav: No, it's me

Xav: I got upset in the shower. When I'm calmed down I'll tell you

Chinye: can i help?

Xav: I just need to unload on you

Xav: Sorry in advanced

Chinye: ok

Xav: Just here's the jist

Xav: I'm lazy

Chinye: lazy?

Chinye: i dont really get that impression with you

Chinye: did you forget to do something?

Xav: okay im back on

Xav: this might take a while

Xav: because i just have a horrible feeling in my gut

Xav: but the main reason why i am in my current life circumstance is that I'm lazy

Xav: 2010, first year of high school

Xav: everything was okay besides friend

Xav: 2011

Xav: i couldn't develop a study strategy

Xav: because I didn't feel like it

Xav: and pushed away the worries by either talking to people, playing games, watching things, etc.

Xav: this manifested

Xav: i started to not ask for help

Xav: because I didn't want to

Xav: and it was so much effort

Xav: this started spilling into everything

Xav: in life

Xav: today

Xav: i didn't eat breakfast

Xav: because i didn't want to

Xav: i didn't walk peggy

Xav: because i didn't want to

Xav: didn't do washing, the dishes, clean up

Xav: didn't go outside

Xav: it goes into video games

Xav: i can have more fun in Granblue if I looked up what I should do next and grind

Xav: but I'm lazy

Xav: and don't want to put in effort

Xav: so I just whine about my current situation

Xav: i would put more effort into trying to rebuild friendships

Xav: but I'm lazy

Xav: t would require too much effort

Xav: and make me anxious

Xav: and runin mty day

Xav: so I resort to staying inside

Xav: I was in the shwower

Xav: I was too lazy to get out

Xav: i just let the water envelop me

Xav: Like a wet and slippery cocoon

Xav: I don't try to develop new hobbies

Xav: Because that requires me to fail first to improve

Chinye: you sound like me

Xav: and I don't want to do that

Xav: I am too lazy to get up

Chinye: thats exactly how i am

Xav: too lazy to get dressed

Xav: too lazy to look for a job

Xav: too lazy to seek help from free government services

Xav: too lazy to tell mum and dad my real inner problems

Xav: too lazy to even start a conversation with my surviving friends

Xav: too lazy to become alive

Xav: too lazy to defend myself

Xav: i just take each blow

Xav: too lazy to do these stretches which will stop me feeling pain

Xav: too lazy to stop any of this happening

Xav: too lazy to believe in myself

Chinye: do you have anything that motivates you

Xav: i dunno

Xav: i just wanna go to sleep

Xav: because im too lazy to figure out what to do for the rest of the day

Xav: Too lazy to even try to find someone to fuck the pain away

Xav: I'm too lazy to find out if I even like dick

Xav: I've just masturbated to some dumb doujins online

Xav: had one boyfriend

Xav: who hadn't even transitioned yt

Xav: and i label myself as bi/pan

Xav: too lazy to get to the root of the problem

Xav: too lazy to get better at video games

Xav: doesn't that just make your skin crawl?

Xav: i want to do all these things

Xav: but this little thing in my head just makes me this walking zombie

Chinye: it doesnt really make it crawl but it makes me lock up a bit

Chinye: because i have exactly the same problem

Chinye: no motivation to do anything

Chinye: too lazy to fix my problems

Xav: i can feel my energy leak out

Chinye: I dont know what to say about it

Xav: all the positivity

Chinye: cause like im exactly the same

Xav: i want to cut off my limbs

Chinye: I wish there was a magic fix

Chinye: :(

Xav: and im too lazy to stop talking and think about your feelings

Chinye: you dont need to stop

Xav: i just keep on going

Xav: and impede negativity onto you

Chinye: negativity doesn't bother me

Chinye: I can handle it

Xav: even though i know how you feel because i've been in your spot so many times

Chinye: I just am thinking about it

Chinye: I dont know how to solve problems i have myself

Chinye: its good to know im not alone though

Xav: i'm too lazy to tell people what they say makes me feel horrible but i bottle it up and struggle to help them but all i can do is hit these plastic objects

Chinye: I thought other people just had motivation to do things

Chinye: and that things were just harder for me

Xav: which then sends an impulse to wiring then goes through all of these devices

Xav: to someone else

Chinye: Do i make you feel bad?

Chinye: with anything i say?

Chinye: I can stop dumping emotional stuff on you

Xav: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3mWotngJBcc

Xav: i can't stop talking to you though

Xav: because then you will have to talk to someone else

Xav: and gothrough the same process

Chinye: I can keep it in

Chinye: and deal with it myself

Chinye: like should've done in the first place

Xav: you;'ll hurt yourself in the

Xav: process

Chinye: i'm sorry i've been dumping stuff on you

Chinye: I wont anymore

Xav: no

Chinye: thanks for all the help so far though

Xav: i want to be strong

Xav: i want to be strong for you

Xav: but i'm just so squishy

Xav: and take everything to heart

Chinye: i told you before

Chinye: i can handle it myself

Xav: i dont want you to be in pain

Chinye: i just got weak

Chinye: and let it fall on someone else

Chinye: dont worry about it anymore

Xav: i failed

Chinye: how?

Chinye: we're still gonna hang out

Chinye: and talk

Chinye: just not about sad stuff

Chinye: unless you need help

Chinye: maybe it'd be good to get some sleep though

Chinye: you said you were tired

Chinye: and i dont want you ot be upset

Xav: i donm't know

Xav: do we even have anything else to talk about?

Chinye: ofc we do

Chinye: are u joking

Chinye: i think were really good friend

Chinye: s

Chinye: we can talk about games

Chinye: and shows

Chinye: and things going on in discord

Xav: every day i just feel weaker and weaker

Xav: yesterday was fine

Xav: i don';t know why

Xav: everything felt different

Xav: but just

Xav: thinking of anything

Chinye: its my fault

Xav: makes me collapse

Chinye: you have been dealing with other peoples problems

Xav: no

Chinye: in addition to your own

Chinye: ofc its gonna be hard

Xav: please no

Chinye: ???

Xav: i don't wnat it ot be like this

Chinye: what to be like what

Chinye: im confused sorry

Xav: i dunno

Chinye: oh ok well

Chinye: if you wanna play games

Chinye: or anything

Chinye: let me know

Chinye: get some rest tho

Chinye: noob

Xav: i want to be stronger for you

Xav: for everyone

Chinye: then get there

Chinye: prepare yourself

Chinye: but that doesnt mean you gotta deal with everything at once

Xav: i want this feeling in my chest to go away

Chinye: sleep

Xav: it's 4:30 pm

Chinye: its the best way to get rid of feeling like that

Xav: it will ruin my day

Chinye: listen to music?

Chinye: im not sure

Xav: none of my music is particularly good at making me feel better

Chinye: you could finish koboyashi

Xav: i watch it with friends

Chinye: watch an anime from my list

Chinye: anything 8 and above is good

Xav: im too lazy to do anything new

Chinye: have you seen no.6?

Chinye: its shonnen ai

Chinye: but its really lite

Chinye: and good

Chinye: im thinking about going to sleep

Chinye: im really tired

Chinye: despite sleeping a bunch

Xav: okay

Chinye: not sure yet

Xav: dont ruin your sleep schedule this weekend

Xav: i want you to go to work on monday

Chinye: thanks dad

Chinye: :P

Xav: sorry, just can't think of anything funny atm

Chinye: lol you dont have to

Chinye: go eat a sanger

Chinye: or whatever u called them

Xav: i just feel frail and stale

Chinye: stale?

Chinye: you are a really nice person

Chinye: and i really think you brighten people around you

Chinye: a mood booster

Xav: it;s not enough

Chinye: its some though

Chinye: better than being someone who brings others down

Chinye: if everyone was like that

Chinye: things would be great

Xav: i;m going to be a pig and order food now

Chinye: wish i did that

Chinye: the sub i had when i woke up was gross

Chinye: lol

Xav: hoping mum won't look at the credit card bill

Xav: she was suggesting i make something for myself

Xav: but im just so weak

Xav: i didn't even make that sandwich i said i was going to make

Chinye: want me to paypal u money

Xav: no

Chinye: so u can order food

Chinye: and u just pay me back somehow

Xav: somehow will be in 2 years

Xav: maybe more

Chinye: it doesnt have to be with money n

Chinye: nerd

Xav: i've given you all i have

Chinye: what would food even cost

Chinye: like $20?

Xav: this place's minimum order is $20

Xav: the HSP was 13.50

Chinye: just let me know if u want me to

Chinye: and i'll paypal u it

Xav: i got a milkshake but it was shit

Chinye: you dont even have to give back

Xav: i can't let you do that

Chinye: i dont want you to get yelled at

Xav: Mum doesn't yell

Chinye: sorry

Chinye: shamed at

Xav: i can deal with it

Chinye: you dont have to if u let me help

Chinye: but ok

Chinye: its up to you

Xav: i just can't sorry

Chinye: ok...

#cryhole

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