soul-of-wildfire

[soul-of-wildfire]

But once I'm gone, who will be the ones to remember my own story?

Because those tales I've lived and heard deserve better than to lay forgotten.

I collect stories.

From the smallest, most insignificant happenings, to the most life changing experiences.

My mind is a treasure trove of the memories and experiences others shared with me.

I'm terrified of the day that i will die, and all those stories will be lost, because all of them are worth remembering.

#poetic #spilled thoughts #storytelling #memories #lost places

[soul-of-wildfire]

I collect stories.

From the smallest, most insignificant happenings, to the most life changing experiences.

My mind is a treasure trove of the memories and experiences others shared with me.

I'm terrified of the day that i will die, and all those stories will be lost, because all of them are worth remembering.

[soul-of-wildfire]

I'm older than I've ever thought I would be.

[soul-of-wildfire]

"War? You do not yet know war. You are a child who has tasted their first autumn frost and called it winter."

[soul-of-wildfire]

me on the first date: I was always an unusual girl, My mother told me that I had a chameleon soul, no moral compass pointing me due north. No fixed personality, Just an inner indecisiveness that was as wide and wavering as the ocean. And if I said I didn't plan for it to turn out this way I'd be lying. Because I was born to be the other woman. Who belonged to no one. Who belonged to everyone. Who had nothing. Who wanted everything. With a fire for every experience and an obsession for freedom that terrified me to the point that I couldn't even talk about it and pushed me to a nomadic point of madness that both dazzled and dizzied me.

[soul-of-wildfire]

A story of a life on the verge of ending

They we're young..

The type of young that makes the smallest problems feel like skyscrapers.

Their family was always distant

He accepted it cause it was the way he grew up

The whole thing started with him

They were spending the weekend at their grandparent's house. They got into an argument. He left the place while muttering fuck you towards his grandpa

Children forget, and don't hold grudges for long. The next week, he would spend the weekend at the same place. They had to work the fields first for a while and they could only go to see his grandpa in the afternoon. All morning he tried to make excuses to go see him, but his father wouldn't let him. If he went, his grandmother and sister would have to go, and it felt like too much of wasted workforce for him.

By the time the afternoon came around it was too late..

By the time they got there, everything was forgotten and they stopped in front of the house to collect some fallen walnuts, while his grandma went inside to put their things down. She wouldn't let them come inside afterwards and came out crying.

A few hours later he learned that his grandfather died. The only father figure in his life.

He never quite managed to forgive himself

For what he said.

Roll forward a few years. The family went on a vacation. They spent a whole week for the first time in their life just visiting places. The most beautiful mountains of the country, went swimming, had a vacation. That ended, and it was back to work on the house. You see they were expanding it, and the father was too stubborn to ask for any help, and so they were doing it in the family. At 13 he was pushing wheelbarrows of concrete around the whole day, up ramps, so they could go forward.

It wasn't good enough.

His father was always yelling at them about something that they were doing wrong. Or their mother was doing wrong. Or anyone else was doing wrong.

At the end of that week, his mother broke down. He had to listen to her say that if it will help end all of this, they should put an axe into the back of his head.

He never quite managed to forgive himself for putting his mother trough this.

Roll forward a few weeks, he's getting on the bus towards school. He sees his other grandpa, and sits down next to him. He greets him, but gets no response. The grandpa doesn't even recognize him. He swore to himself that day that the only grandfather he had died a few years before.

He never quite managed to forgive himself for swearing off a family member.

This was all before he turned fourteen.

He went to highschool.

He tried to do everything as best as he could.

Came out of it with one of the highest scores every year. It wasn't enough. His father always only saw the fact that someone else did better. Or when nobody did better, that there was a few tenths of a grade that he could have improved.

He never quite managed to forgive himself for not doing good enough.

Then came love.

His highschool had a program of going to a festivals game portion with groups.

One of his classmates said they needed another person to be complete and he accepted.

He was one of the two people who pulled the whole group into the second place.

He fell in love with seeing somebody else doing their best because of their past.

They talked about anything and everything.

They got together on november 6th

A week after the festival.

It wasn't the first relationship for either of them. It was the first that felt real.

They were the happiest for almost half a year. Towards the end, she went out walking a few times with other people. People who convinced her that he was hurting her in some convoluted way.

She broke up with him.

He never quite managed to forgive himself for not trying harder to show her that it was otherwise.

He started smoking. On the way home, a pack of 20 in about two km

Time went past

A year after he was still in the same pain as when she broke up.

He found something funny on a site and decided he'd continue it. He didn't know it didn't hide your name automatically, and he got a response just because of that one thing. He met the girl behind the account, and they hit it off. They were there for each other while both were hurting. They helped each other out of it, and they were there for each other afterwards when they were both 'fine'. They never got together, not for a lack of trying on his part, but because she didn't want to use him as a tool towards healing. He's thankful for that now.

They went trough bouts of not talking at all for months. And then talking nonstop for days afterwards. They were there for each other in whatever way they could.

This, he forgave himself for. For not talking every day, and not talking at all sometimes. He knew that the other side knew they'd still be a phonecall or a text away.

Another year passes. He's in 11th grade now, and he saw a girl on the bus on the way home he never saw before.

He finds out her name from others and starts talking. Not a week passes and they are together, because a friend almost forced her into showing how she felt.

He never quite managed to forgive himself for not standing up to him and letting it grow more organically.

They spent the happiest 1.5years together. Being there for each other as much as possible when things weren't going great. And enjoying it together when they were.

Then he was working and she got jealous cause he was spending time with others there and he couldn't do it with her. She was trying to get his attention even trough just arguing. He got enough. He broke up with her one night. He spent an hour listening to her asking for forgiveness and explaining why she did it and that she'd swear she would never do it again.

He never quite managed to forgive himself for not forgiving her.

He got depressed.

He cut himself for the first time.

He asked for help from everybody around him, and some helped more than others, but he managed to slip out of it.

He never quite managed to forgive himself for making others look at how much he was hurting.

School started. The last year before graduation. He was waiting for the bus when he saw her arguing on the phone on the other side of the street. For the first time in a year he tought someone was beutiful. He wanted her if at all possible. Managed to get her name. Stalked her a bit. And then when she seemed down he wrote to her to ask what's wrong. He helped deal with it. And they kept talking. They talked for 4 months, all day every day. They learnt about each other. They fell in love with each other. Neither of them wanted to give in to that feeling. For about 2.5-3 months, they held out. Then they met up for a coffee on january 24th, and they couldn't do it anymore. They spent almost a year together. One where anything else from before seemed inconsequential, fragile, and cold when compared to it.

During this time, his parents finally ended it. They got divorced because his mom walked in on him getting a blowjob from one of their adopted children. He tried to help his mother trough it. Even while he was hurting too.

He didn't quite manage to forgive himself for not seeing it sooner and saving her mother from it.

And then came the beginning of the end.

Her parents decided they didn't want to let her go anywhere. And they stood up against it together. They held out. For a time.

Then she told him she couldn't do it anymore. It passed.

He will never quite managed to forgive himself for not doing more.

For not being able to save it.

He's now here. Writing this out cause it just doesn't have space anymore inside him.

He's exhausted.

She's there for him even now. The girl he met out of sheer luck and coincidence.

She's trying to help and managing.

He wants to finally allow himself to rest.

She wants him to keep going.

And we'll see what tomorrow has to offer..

[soul-of-wildfire]

exit wounds

[soul-of-wildfire]

Szóval két hete mióta visszatértem a covid felnőtt számüzetésemből a koraszülőtt intenzíven dolgozom (ez valahogy amúgy nem zavarja a kórház vezetést), meg persze adjunk továbbra is minden héten gyerekgyógyászt a covid felnőtt ellátásba nem gáz, ha utána immunhiányos babákhoz megyünk vissza. Mindegy. Most nem ez a lényeg.

A lényeg az, hogy mindenki, de főleg aki kismama (12. hét után) adassa be a oltást, ha eddig olyan nagy okos volt, hogy nem adatta be, mert nem csak saját magával csesz ki, hanem a születendő gyerekével, meg a születendő gyerekének az apjával, aki majd miután meg is özvegyült, hordozhatja a koraszülött babàt egyedül a fejlesztésekre.

Adott az alany, 28!!! éves terhes kismama 27 hetes magzattal, oltatlan, elkapta a covidot, felkerült az intenzívosztályra, légzést segítő gépre. A melléket fotón látni, vagyis lényegében nem látni a tüdejèt, mert annyira masszív a vírus okozta tüdőgyulladás kiterjedése. Alatta egy egészséges tüdőt mutatok, csak ha valaki nem orvos, az is lássa a különbséget, bár tudom, hogy sokan nem orvosok, mégis képzettek hal Istennek a védőoltások terén, gondolom akkor a radiológiához is értenek. A harmadik képen pedig a kisbaba látható, akit ki kellett szakítani az anyukából, mert annyira válságos volt az állapota az anyukának. Ennek a babának még minimum 3 hónapig a kis burkában kelett volna maradnia védve. A baba a korához képest jól van, mivel fejletlen a tüdeje, szüksége van neki is oxigén támogatásra.

Több, mint 8 hónapja elérhető az oltás mindenki számára. És még mindig ilyenekkel kell szembenéznünk nap, mint nap. Emberek, miért? Miért nem látjátok be, hogy ez nem egy sima vírus, nem egy sima influenza? Jó mókának tűnik persze csak azért is nem beadatni az oltást, mert te közgazdászként egy óra alatt virológussà képezted magad, csak amikor megszületik életed értelme, és úgy haldokolsz, hogy tudod, hogy soha nem is láthatod már, az majd nem lesz ekkora buli. Meg amikor azért imádkozol hogy ha te már nem is, de a gyereked élje túl a lélegeztetőgépen. Meg amikor nem tudsz elköszönni a férjedtől, akivel a nyáron házasodtál össze. Meg amikor a családi karácsonyi fotón három generáció kellene legyen, de hiányzik a középső. Az sem buli. Úgy fullad meg az ember, hogy megbánja a rossz döntéseket, és hidd el, hogy mindenki kivétel nélkül megbánja. És nincs második esély. Értelmetlen halál. Nem a sors keze, mert a te döntésed volt, hogy így alakuljon, lehetett volna másképp, lehetett volna egy család, akik együtt hintáztatják a gyereket a játszótéren. De a döntésed miatt, most két emberi lény kerül rögtön lélegeztetőgépre. Nem csak a sajàt jövődet veszed el, de rajtad kívül még minimum két emberét. Tuti, hogy megéri?

[soul-of-wildfire]

“One of the most amazing things that can happen is finding someone who sees everything you are and won’t let you be anything less. They see the potential of you. They see endless possibilities. And through their eyes, you start to see yourself the same way. As someone who matters. As someone who can make a difference in this world.”

— Susane Colasanti

[soul-of-wildfire]

hands: for mothers day - nikki giovanni || fade into you - mazzy star || 10 am is when you come to me - louise bourgeois || the epic of gilgamesh - trans. danny p jackson || unfinished duet - richard siken

[soul-of-wildfire]

There are countless worlds in the darkness for those of us that try looking

[soul-of-wildfire]

“Van egy japán kifejezés, amit szeretek: koi no yokan. Nem azt jelenti, hogy szerelem első látásra. Közelebb áll ahhoz, hogy szerelem második látásra. Az az érzés, amikor megismerkedsz valakivel, akibe bele fogsz szeretni. Talán nem rögtön, de elkerülhetetlenül.”

- Nicola Yoon: A Nap is csillag

[soul-of-wildfire]

Linda Pastan, from a poem titled, "Why Are Your Poems So Dark?"

Image ID: "Ask the moon.

Ask what it has witnessed."

[soul-of-wildfire]

I opened my mouth, almost said something. Almost. The rest of my life might have turned out differently if I had. But I didn't.

— Khaled Hosseini

[soul-of-wildfire]

Reblog and see if you get a color.

PURPLE: We near never speak, but I do enjoy your presence on my dashboard.

FUCHSIA: I wish I could become your best friend through the internet.

GREY: You leave me with jumbled words.

RED: I’m in love with you.

PINK: I have a crush on you.

TURQUOISE: You’re hot.

CHARTREUSE: I sincerely wish you would notice me.

TEAL: We have quite a lot in common.

BLUE: You are my Tumblr crush.

ORANGE: I dislike your page.

YELLOW: PLEASE FUCK ME.

WHITE: PLEASE MARRY ME.

GREEN: I find you cute.

BLACK: I would date you.

BROWN: I dislike you.

[soul-of-wildfire]

Ma majdnem meghaltam.

Arra a pontra sodródtam ahol teljes lényemmel véget akartam vetni az életemnek. Elfogytak azok a horgonyok amik vissza tartottak tőle. Rájöttem hogy az emberek akik szeretnek túljutnának a halálomon. Nehéz lenne de túljutnának rajta.

Hogy mi húzott vissza?

Egy olyan személy akihez szinte semmilyen kötelék nem köt. Egy olyan személy akinek nem jelentek semmit és ő sem nekem. Egyszerűen utánam jött.

Látta hogy elindulok, és utánam jött hogy megkérdezze hová megyek. Ennyi.

Ennyi az oka annak hogy itt vagyok és most ezt írom.

Ennyi az oka hogy nem ma tettem meg.

Sajnos, ennek ellenére nem vagyok biztos benne hogy nem csak egy napot adott ezzel.

Nem vagyok benne biztos hogy holnap amikor felkelek, amikor még mindenki alszik, elinduljak az utolsó sétámra.

[soul-of-wildfire]

What happens if I fucked it up already?

What the fuck happens then?