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It’s been a minute...
Today is the 9th of June. 2020.
Quite a bit has happened since the last time I’ve made an entry. I feel guilty about it, but I still feel that starting it back up late is better than never coming back again.
To give a quick update, the world itself is currently in this weird limbo state where looting and rioting is encouraged but only as long as you wear a mask. Long story short, the ‘Corona Virus’ has laid siege onto the world and is still rampantly spreading as I type. Most people are okay, but those that are immunocompromised are kinda fucked, so they stay indoors. At first it seemed like a dream come true. “We can stay indoors all day long and not do a thing!” But it didn’t take long for the entire situation to turn sour. People are now protesting government mandates to stay indoors; ironically spreading that which caused the mandate to start in the first place.
In other news, I am now a college graduate! Yay me! Bad news is that I graduated with a Psychology degree, so I’m kinda fucked too if I don’t go further with it. Buuuuut, I also have gotten a new job! It’s at a detox center 10 mins from my parent’s house. I love everyone I work with and I think that helping people detox off of drugs is something that has helped me realize what I want to do. None of that research stuff but more direct, hands-on kind of stuff.
Next, Ashely and I have moved into my parent’s basement! Sounds bad, but actually its been pretty nice. Once my mom and brother move out in a couple months we’re going to have this place all to ourselves!
I think that’s enough for today.
Tomorrow’s goals include advancing in FGO, working out (chest day), and eating right. 10 points if I do it all! A reward for myself at 100 points.
Til Tomorrow,
T
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March 12 2020
I've been a bad journal keeper. I havnt posted for three ish days. Honestly u want to blame the tuna rice but that's gunna be a long story so I'm just gunna say that that's a product of my own laziness.
Right now, as I type this, I'm being given an ultimatum. Ashley has gone up to me and told me that if I do not come to her and apologize for posting previous journal posts she would break up with me. I guess the hour-long conversation and apology from me wasnt enough. I came out here to the sofa and thought about sleeping here because she kept bringing up about me talking about other girls on my blog. I just want to make it known here right now that I love Ashley but holy shit how insecure about our relationship do you out have to be to keep bringing old wounds back up. please stop giving your bf an ultimatum for somthing that he's ALREADY APOLOGIZED AND TALKED OVER ABOUT is not real okay. We have spent so much time talking about this already and weeks later you bring it up again. Why.
My only hope is that you feel/think more clearly about this in the morning. If you don't, there truly may be a chance that you break up with me.
I want to give myself a chance to think this over. Maybe I'm in the wrong here. Maybe I should apologize a hundreth time for something that I did a week ago. Maybe that's the answer. Maybe that makes sense. Maybe I'm the crazy one. Why must it be this way.
Suicide is not the answer. Ever.
Until the next time.
T.
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Day 11 March 6 2020
I'm writing this the morning after but whatever.
Yesterday was a mixed day. Ashley and I were both really hung over after the previous night of drinking and staying up late so we practically just laid there til past noon. I had another meeting I had to go to at 12:30 so I finally got ready and went. The meeting itself was eh but afterwards both Arden and Erin talked through my abstract with me and we got a pretty satisfying copy that I finally submitted to Dr Tully. This morning I got a reply and she had reviewed and edited it so that's done! Off my chest.
I had work at 5 and I got back from the meeting around 3 so I didn't go to the gym. It was leg day but I just couldn't go so I said fuck it and made it a rest day. The worst part is that this morning I woke up and my left ankle hurts bad enough that I'm limping. There's no way I can do heavy enough squats like this but I still wanna go. Maybe I'll just do cardio.
Otherwise I didn't do anything productive. If I hadn't finished the abstract then it would've been a terrible day but because j did I don't feel too bad about it. Right now, the gym opens in about 10 mins so I gotta start getting ready and head over. Wish me luck.
Today's goals include Leg day (75% power), work, eating healthy afterwards, studying alot for next week's tests and laundry/cleaning up the room.
It's okay to admit weakness because that itself is a form of strength.
Until tonight,
T.
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Day 10 March 5 2020
Today was a good day. 8/10
Woke up and went to the lab meeting. Talked about my project and it's progress and I feel like it went pretty smoothe. I edited the original after comments from my co-authors and after my revisions they all said that it was way better.
After the meeting I had a chance to talk to Dr Tully and she mentioned that I was doing good in the lab and that the project I'm working on was a good, solid step towards grad school. She said she saw my application and she didn't know me at the time so I shouldn't feel bad about getting that rejection letter. I guess it was on her mind and she wanted to make me feel better about it but tbh I feel more motivated to work harder. Being around people that are way smarter and more experienced than me can be somewhat demotivating but I want to think that it's another goal to reach for. If I try to accept that they're smarter and end it at that then it's truly over for me. What I need to do is to work harder and to someday be that source of motivation for someone else. Anyways, the Dr Tully gave me an unintentional pep talk and I was dancing on clouds after it. Steps are being taken.
After the meeting I fucked around til around 5. My appetite is coming back, which is both a good thing and bad thing. My lifts are getting better but my cardio is suffering.
I went to the gym after working in the lab for a couple hours. There were a fuck ton of ppl there but somehow I managed to get my lifts in on time. Ashley was there after a bit and I joined her on cardio. She got a solid hour in too so I'm proud of her. I knew she had it in her.
Now that I'm through with the gym, we're laying on the bed and drinking. All in all, it's not entirely a day to remember but another day towards acheiveing my goals. One day I'm going to look back and thank the effort I gave today. Until that day, I will keep working towards that final moment.
Tomorrow's goals include Leg day, work, and studying for my exams next week.
It's okay to fall behind as long as it's still a process forwards.
Until tomorrow,
T.
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Day 9 Mar 4 2020
Today was a pretty good day overall. Nothing crazy but productive enough.
Started out the day by going to the gym in the morning. It was push day, my favourite, so I took my time with it. The good news is that my I was able to add 20 more pounds to my bench from last week and I could do more reps, so I'm going in the right direction.
There's this one guy at the gym that I see time to time that benched basically twice my bench weight FOR REPS. Dude's fucking insane. He's kinda shorter, maybe 5'10 ish, but he can bench what's basically my max squat. I wanted to go up to him the other day and ask what the fuck he's doing so that I can get my numbers up too because he clearly knows his stuff. I didn't have the time for it then, but maybe I see him again this week. Hopefully he's a nice guy.
Another thing, for the first time in a couple of weeks I couldn't finish my hour of cardio. I cut it about 7 minutes short. My chest started to get this pinching sensation that I don't know, just made me feel like I had to stop. I chalked it up to the alcohol I've been drinking plus the shitty foods I've been eating, but if it's something that happens again today and tomorrow I might have to think about fasting for a few days to reset my system. If it stays after that, then I might have to go to the doctor.
Other than the gym I went to class. I could go on a tangent about how horrible my second class is but I'll save that for another day. Skipped my third class. I can't do that again.
Went to China buffet and Kroger with Ashley after that. It was a fun little date night. I had a good time.
Before going to sleep I worked on my abstract again. Erin gave me some actual good feedback so I tried to finish incorporating it but it took too long so I'm going to have to see what Dr Tully says at the meeting tomorrow.
Starting with not finishing my cardio today, I didn't go to the sauna, ate like shit, skipped class, and didn't finish the abstract revisions. I think the gym is important for my mentally for the day so that I can properly discipline myself into doing what needs to be done for the rest of the day. I need to start off the day stronger so that I can transition that momentum into everything else. I cheat the workout, I start cheating other stuff. I need to build better discipline if I want to accomplish more.
That starts today.
It's okay to make up for yesterday today.
Until tomorrow,
T.
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Day 8 Mar 3rd 2020
I wouldn't know how to classify today in terms of good or bad not because it wasn't exactly either, but because I just lack the vocabulary to adequately describe it.
Today was a whole bunch of nothing until the end and anything until then can be read in my Ramblings post so I'm just going to skip ahead.
Ashley found my journal. Precisely if she looked for it or if she stumbled upon it remains a mystery, but I want to give her the benefit of the doubt and believe that she stumbled upon it. I'm the end, it really doesn't make a difference anyways.
Everything from my focus on "better-looking women" to "wanting to do things on my own" was read. Apparently she had found it a few days back and had been keeping it a relative secret to gauge my reaction. Needless to say, she wasn't happy. In fact, she said that she had actually cried about it. After everything that we talked about tonight, I think that was one of the things that struck me as most heart-breaking. To think that I made her cry. Tears flowing down her face.
What a filthy shitty person I am. It's easy to think this after-the-fact, but I know that other than cheating on her, making her secretly cry over my actions has to be the worst thing I could do to her.
We laid on our bed and talked about it. She was more inquisitive; slowly trying to draw facts out of me rather than directly asking about it. At first I thought she was going to break up with me, but I later found out that it was her that thought I was going to break up with her. I can't blame her because I thought about what I had written the night prior and anyone could see just how miserable I sounded. To be quite honest, I thought it was actually over between us when there was a break in the conversation. There was about a 5 minute silent moment that could've gone either way depending on just how drastic the whole situation coulve become. In those moments, I gave myself two choices. One was to take my pillow and blanket and go sleep in the living room. Basically, run away. The second option was to sit down, literally face her, and open up to her. I chose option 2 because option 1 wasn't actually a valid choice if I truly loved her.
We talked for quite a bit. Honestly, even now after shes told me we're good, I have small doubts in the back of my mind that tells me things will never truly be the same as before. Things will never be the same because I've planted a little seed in her brain that tells her that she can't trust me. Little seeds of doubt that will sprout anytime, any place.
We've been through quite alot in the past four years. Today I realized how much that actually means, and that these small problems and doubt mean nothing to me because I have her and that's all that matters. Sure, we might have moments where we fight and bicker, but they're overshadowed by the good times. Actually, to be more precise, they're overshadowed by the neutral times. The times where I'm there and she's there, and we might not be talking to each other but we're still together. The time spent sitting during a movie. During studying. During driving. It's the small things that add up to make the big picture, and I can only hope that at the end of it all she's in every frame.
I don't want to make it sound like I suddenly think shes a saint. Just like me, she has flaws. The difference between me and her is that she chooses to accept those flaws and move forward while I stay and ruminate over them. Is it because she's stronger than I am? No. I don't know the answer, but at the end of the night if it's one thing I know it's that she's given me a chance to show her how much she means to me. I want to show her that she can trust me. Maybe she never truly will. It's pointless to think about it really. All I can do is to put my faith in her and take a leap forwards.
On another note, John facetimed the both of us after Ashley and i finished talking. He wasn't himself. A former shell, to be honest. A broken man. Mindy had completely ruined him, and it was easy to tell. My greatest fear is that he will never truly learn to get over it and that he will choose drugs as his choice of emotional output. "not feeling anything" is a pretty fucking clear indication that he only feels one thing. Despair; emptiness; defeat.
Although I wouldn't know how to tell him in person, he's one of the few actual friends I have. I will pray for him daily so that he finds salvation from his worst enemy; himself. If only I knew how to fight mine, I would just go ahead and tell him.
Tomorrow's goals include: push day, go to class, study bio, work on abstract revisions, to eat clean, and to tell Ashley I love her even if she draws dolphins jumping out of my ass crack.
It's okay to let things go.
Until tomorrow.
T.
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Ramblings
I wanted to use this account specifically as a self-reflection journal. But I just watched a tv series that made me more emotional than I feel comfortable with not sharing, so I decided to write it down on here.
This emotion I’m feeling; its not new, but it certainly has been a while since I’ve felt his way. Sadness and the finality of the experience moves my fingers to ways in which I do not know how to express. Sadness isn’t the right word for it. I feel at peace. The feeling you get when you finish a good book, a good movie, or a final farewell with a loved one. I’ve been searching for this feeling for so long, and I was not expecting to be hit by it by the tv show I was watching, that I am afraid of the inevitability of losing it again.
A character that is the villain, that is clearly what is meant to be defeated, is met with the proper character building and development as to make you wish, despite all of your instincts telling you that this character should not be liked, that he finds happiness. In the final moments of life, even knowing that death is near, staying true to one’s own ideals; one’s own form of righteousness. It is the good writer that can make a villain a lovable hero in the end, but it is the greatest writers that can make a villain his own writer; his own narrator.
I vow here and now that before I die I will do it. I will write a story worthy of lining with the best of the best. A story that, even to just one person, will make a reader feel this very same feeling I am feeling right now. A story worthy of calling my legacy, my life’s work. If I can do that, I can die happy. Until that day, I cannot and I will not die.
Its okay to know sadness. Only then can one know happiness.
T.
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Day 7 March 2nd 2020
Today was a fantastic day but ended fucking miserably. Seems to be a common thing for me these days.
I woke up and went to the gym. I didn't have any preworkout for it so I was worried I would be bummed out for it but it wasn't as bad as I had imagined. Leg day in general was a bitch though. At first there weren't any squat racks open, and it was 8 AM! What the fuck are these people doing here like go to sleep ya fucking try-hards. Anyways I didn't really have a time limit for today's workout so after the sauna and walking around and everything else it took nearly 3 hours until I got back. Even after a heavy leg day, I'm still able to consistently do the one hour HIIT elliptical cardio which is progress from not being able to get past 45 mins a couple weeks ago.
After that it was school time. I didn't want to, but I skipped my first class so that's a bad noodle for me. Instead I went to the lab and got finished with the abstract before sending it out to my team. Now that was the true highlight of the entire week. Finally, a huge weight off my shoulders. I got feedback pretty quickly from Arden and Dr. Tully. Felt great in general.
Still had time to go to Bio so I did. The bio lab after too.
Then, I went to the gas station and bought some four loko for Ashley and I. It was supposed to be party night because we didnt have to be up tomorrow, but she was in a vapid mood all night for God knows what reason. Then, around midnight, she started arguing with me for the hell of it. At first it was entertaining but she just kept going until I realized that there was something she wasn't telling me that's going on in her mind. Whatever it was, she wasn't telling me but she still directed the frustration at me. Lately, to be quite honest, I feel like there's a wall between us, even tho for the first time we get to live together. I don't know how I feel about it, but I can't help but feel like I enjoy doing my own thing more than doing anything with her. My inner belief system for our relationship is starting to fall apart. There's no telling where that might lead to in the future, but I do hope it's for the better, whatever it may be. At the end of the night, I ended up just rolling over and putting on headphones to ignore her. She tried to get me to watch shameless with her but I went to sleep. She got really angry at that and started talking out loud about how much of a shit stain I was. I guess it was because I was drunk, but I felt such heavy depression and defeat from the fact that we couldn't even last a full night without fighting again. This has been going on all semester and it's really taking a toll on how I feel about her in general. Lately I notice myself wondering how life would be if I was single.
All of this goes through my mind but I wonder what goes on in hers. If I had to guess I don't think even she knows.
It's okay.
Until tomorrow,
T.
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Day 6 March 1 2020
Today was a good day. 7/10 points
Woke up around 9 but laid there and didn't move until 12. From there, I got ready for the gym and got there around 1. Since my workout on Saturday was rushed, I took my sweet time with today's workout so it ended up being closer to 4 when I finally finished.
A rather funny observation I made was that at the gym there was one girl and maybe ten guys. The girl was pretty too so I could see that most guys were stealin glances when they could. Then, this really big Asian dude came around and started chatting up the girl. I don't know if they knew each other before but here's the punchline: for some reason I felt defeated. I felt that the huge Asian dude was better than me somehow and that he had beaten me. Even though I knew it was strange to think so I was self aware of that fact. Maybe it's something about how when there are a bunch of men and a scarcity of women, men tend to become "possessive" (maybe territorial would be a better word) of women in general. Something about being an alpha and all that. I got over the defeated feeling pretty quickly and laughed it off to myself but still. Strange.
I cleaned and did laundry when I got back. Nothing special, but I wanted to have Ashley come back to something cleaner than when she left. Side note: while cleaning I decided to try on a shirt that I couldn't wear a couple months ago because it was too tight, but now I look pretty decent in it. Super excited about that. I'm on track to finishing in great shape by June-ish.
Ashley came back earlier than I thought and since we left off on a bad note, I said I was sorry for being an asshole and gave her a hug. She seemed to slowly come out of her silent mode after that and by the end of the night she was back to her old self so that's good.
Finished structuring the abstract before sleep. I'm down to 210 words at the moment, but I need to cut it down to 200. It's not gunna be easy, and it's not gunna be pretty, but I must prevail.
Tomorrow's goals include Leg day, classes, studying for Wednesday's bio test, and submitting the abstract to Dr. Tully. Then, it's party time with Ashley.
It's okay to aim higher.
Until tomorrow,
T.
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Day 5 Feb 29 2929
Today is Leap Day. Who knew.
Mixed feelings about today as well. Started out great, but ended unproductive. Went to the gym in the morning. I woke up at 8:45 without an alarm, which is lucky because the gym opens at 9. I had work at 11 so I had to haul ass to and from the gym. Today's workout was push day. Its unfortunate that I had to pretty much finish the push section of the workout in less than 20 mins, because I rather like the routine alot. But I had to prioritize the cardio no matter what so I had to give it an hour.
I managed to bring my stuff for work to the gym so that I can head straight there. I ended up being five minutes late but no one seemed to notice or care. For the first three hours I worked the rotating dirty window of nasty dishes, caught clean dishes for two hours, and spent the last hour wiping tables.
I ate so much food after my shift. All in all, I ate: three chicken spring rolls with sweet chili sauce, a bowl of fried rice, half cup of mixed veggies, 3-ish ounces of chicken, a big ass salad (with two tbsp of chopped eggs, two tbsp of chopped onions, two tbsp of mushrooms, and raspberry vinaigrette on top), a bowl of beef stew, a bowl of chicken carbonara, and finally a scoop of ice cream and a scoop of apple pie. Jesus that's alot. The only good thing about that is that it was after 25 hours of fasting.
After coming back I basically didn't do anything. I was so tired and I started playing Fate Grand Order game on my phone and time flew away. The day was still productive, but I would definitely like tomorrow to be more academically productive.
Tomorrows goals include Pull Day, studying Bio, finishing the abstract, and eating healthy.
It's okay to be harder on yourself.
Until tomorrow,
T.
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Day 5 Feb 28 2020
Actually I'm writing this the morning after because I kinda fucked up. I was in bed at 8 last night and closed my eyes to take a nap but instead ended up sleeping for 12 hours. Damn.
Yesterday was a good and bad day mixed. I woke up at 7 and went to finish the files I had to clean. I managed to do that and was back in my room by 9 ish. Then I took a nap until 11 and ate food and killed time u til the meeting for Arden's team at 1:30. I left at 1 and stopped by RaceTrac to grab a thing of those Zyn pouches. I don't feel especially good about it, but I thought that maybe it would be better than a disposable vape because it would last longer and I could do it in class or the library. So far, I'm not too crazy about it, but it ain't bad either.
The meeting went great. Everyone seems to be getting more friendly with one another. Yep, not much else to be said about that I suppose.
After the meeting I came back and ate more food, justifying it because it was rest day and I needed the calories to rejuvinate. I think at the end of the day I ate: 4 eggs, two small sweet potatoes, one big potato, two pieces of toast, around 1.5 cups of Greek yogurt, around a cup of oatmeal, about two tablespoons of jam, and quite a bit of ranch. Maybe 4 or 5 tablespoons throughout two meals. This is probably around twice as much food as I would eat on a normal day but I felt I needed it. I didn't eat especially bad either but I could've thrown more greens in there I suppose.
After this is where I fucked up, because I didn't do a single productive thing after that. I meant to take it easy and then finish up my abstract after that but like I said earlier, around 8 I fell asleep and somehow didn't wake until 8 the morning after. FeelsBadMan. I can still make it up tho. I have work today from 11-5 but after that I'm going to have buckle own and study up. Hopefully I can. I know I can.
Today's goals include Push day at the gym, working from 11-5, studying for biology, and working on my abstract.
It's okay to take a break sometimes.
Until tomorrow,
T.
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Day 4 Feb 27th 2020
Today was a great day but I write this in a shitty mood.
Biggest accomplishment today was that I went to the lab meeting and things went without incident. Papa Bless. It's motivating and depressing to see so many people much smarter than you at once. It has helped me come closer to realizing my own self-worth and what I was born to do. I am not a leader - at least not yet - but with proper training I can excel at anything with sheer hard work. With that being said, there are limitations and strong points to this, but that's for another day.
Next was my workout. Today was leg day, so I squatted it out in all ways imaginable. There were some qt3.14s walkin about so my adrenaline was pumping! All in all a good workout. I weight 250 consistently now, but after the workout I was 247. Hopefully by June I can be about 230.
Between the gym and work, I had a couple hours of free time. I still have to finish half of my files I have to clean but I couldn't push myself to do it so I decided to do it tonight after work instead, but of course the building was locked at 11:30 so I couldn't do shit. I knew I would fucking regret not doing it when I had the chance but nope. I just had to take a nap. Weakness and contempt dragged me onto bed instead of the lab today, so now I have to wake up at fucking 6:45 on my sleep-in day and go finish this shit. Just typing this out on my phone is starting to piss me off. Fuck.
And now Ashley is giving me the silent treatment when she was the one being an asshole. She has this really bad habit of getting pissed off at minute things and blowing them out of proportion for the hell of it. I swear if she wasn't like this she would be perfect. Her small brain and her giant ego sometimes clash. (I'm joking about the brain part, but she's so stubborn it's hard not to be serious about that ego). Relationships can be hard sometimes and I see that. We've been together for 5 years now so I think I have some clues. But still, why does the man always have to be the one to apologize. I'm getting really sick of this shit where she's too immature to admit she's wrong so I have to bend over and take it in the ass and apologize even if I'm in the right. I fucking cannot stand that shit. Everytime it happens I feel the distance between us get larger and larger. I keep telling her that it seriously depresses me to see her act this way but nope. Her own pride is more important than our relationship or my emotional state. Guys have feelings too. I guess thats part of the reason why i started this journal. Ashley, if you're ever looking back and reading this now, go fuck yourself, but I live you nonetheless.
Tomorrow's goals include fasting for 40 hours into Saturday, rest up for sunday's Push workout, finish up my abstract, and finishing the files at 7 in the morning.
It's okay to be frustrated.
Til tomorrow,
T
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Day 3 Feb 27 2020
Day 3 already! Time flies and its out of your grasp in a hurry isn’t it.
Today was a good day again, so I don’t have too much to complain about. Woke up at 8 and went to the gym. Got a good, solid workout in. I will say though that all of the better-looking women are there during the morning more so than the afternoon. I think its because there’s so many guys there in the afternoon that maybe they feel intimidated by them. Ashley certainly has told me that she felt that way so its probably not a long-shot answer. Its a win-win though because there’s less annoying people around and more attractive women, so I get to workout in peace and I get a test boost, so I’ll definitely be working out in the morning whenever possible.
I finally also got a haircut at a small place about a 15 walk from my dorm. The guy there had great reviews and it was cheap at 25 dollars so I said what the hell and went. I was in and out in 20 mins and even got a student discount! He did a phenomenal job as well so I couldn’t be happier.
I went to class straight after but my first professor cancelled so I had a little bit of a down time so that was nice. Read my book about nutrition and also an article that Dr. Tully wanted the lab members to read so overall productive. The other two classes were laughably a waste of time, but nonetheless necessary to graduate so I don’t regret not going, if that makes sense.
Finally, I came back and ate some food with Ashley before doing some yoga nidra and heading over to the lab to do some work. By this time it was 9 already and I didn’t get out until 12, so I’m pretty fucking tired to tell you the truth. Still, I finished cleaning half of this week’s files and rounded out my abstract just now, so I’ve accomplished everything I’ve set out to do today! Feeling really good, and now that I’m looking kinda good I think I can keep this ball rolling. The anxiety is slowly dissipating and the fruits of my labor are slowly showing. Who knows what kind of man I can be by the end of the year.
I wish you all the best and until tomorrow!
Its okay to be confident.
T
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Day 2, Feb 25th 2020
Today’s day 2. Going to be honest I almost forgot to write it already, but i guess as long as I do it at the end of the night I’ve accomplished what I set out to do so all’s well that end’s well.
Had an amazing start to the day! Only had 4 hours of sleep but still went to the gym at 8 and pushed myself for 2 hours. I came back around 11 and went straight to work until 3. I hit the bed when I got back but the Abstract was on my mind so I really didn’t take a nap until around 5. Ashley woke me up with felt like giving a blowjob so that was really nice. Immature innuendo aside, I felt like alot of pent up tension was released that I quite couldn’t squeeze out with the gym sesh so Papa Bless.
I fucked around until I finally decided to do the abstract. I decided that getting drunk and actually writing it out would help me overcome that initial obstacle of structuralizing the writing. True enough, I took a couple hours and wrote most of the abstract, albeit its probably really shitty; but shitty is better than nothing at all.
Now I’m writing this while Ashley and I get drunk off of whatever we have. I feel better about today and I want to carry that over to tomorrow. I plan on waking up at 8 and hitting that gym. Hopefully Ashley won’t keep me up too late tonight!
Tomorrow’s goals include going to the gym (Pull Day), classes from 2-7 (No Skipping!), and finishing up that abstract in light of Thursday’s lab meeting.
It’s okay to be happy.
Till Tomorrow,
T
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Day 1 - Feb 24th 2020
Today was all in all not a bad day. I finished a 40 hour fast this morning by eating a decent meal. Diarrhea ensued but it wasn’t too bad. Then I met with Arden and talked to her and Erin about my poster presentation. The abstract is due in a week and I haven’t even started! Fuck my life.
Headed straight to class afterwards. Enjoyed my first class, fuck my second, and had a test in my third. Today’s a monday so had a bio lab session after. Basically fuck that class too.
Ate after coming back, worked on Aging Interview Assignment, and now I’m gunna go to sleep in a few.
I feel like time is literally slipping out of my hands. Days go by so fast and it still feels like the school semester’s just started. I think the GURP poster is on my mind so constantly that days are blending together. As long as I finish that abstract alot of weight would fall off my shoulders.
One of the main reasons I started this blog is to start appreciating every day one at a time. I want to realize that life is not to be taken for granted, and that it’s okay to be happy even if for the first time in my life I’m having major depressive/borderline-suicidal thoughts. I can overcome this. Others have done more with alot less.
Tomorrow’s goals include Push day, work, abstract, and day 2 blogging.
Til tomorrow,
T
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Introductions
Hi. My name is Tristen. I wanted to start a daily self-reflection blog so here I am. Feel free to skim through or move along because this little project is mostly for myself to reflect on my day. I guess the first thing I want to do is to talk about the rules I’m going to set forth for myself. The first and most important is that I be as honest as possible. This is meant to be how I put my emotions down in words, so it’s perfectly normal for it not to be full of sunshine and rainbows. The second is that I have to do this everyday. I have my phone or laptop with me everywhere so there’s really no excuses. Finally, I wanted to give myself a reward for daily writing. The first milestone will be to write for a week straight. Then a month, two months, three and so forth. I don’t know what my first reward will be but that’ll be a bridge I cross when I get there. If you’re still reading this, you must be really bored. Still, thanks for reading and have a nice day.
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