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Today I saw a therapist for the first time. It took me a while to reach this point. But I haven’t been happy since she left. I haven’t felt that joy. And I’m not okay with this. It was 6 months ago. He said take the span of your relationship, divide it by two and you have your recovery time. I guess by that logic ive got another 6 months ahead of me.
We spoke about a lot of the things that run through my head. Broke it down to its bones. Simply put I need to love me. Gotta do you boo. I haven’t really ever taken proper time to love me. I’ve always been to busy loving someone else because lord knows they deserve it far more than I do. I've been looking for happiness within someone else for a really long time now and its no wonder I’ve become so empty.
The word Finite comes to mind. Everything has a beginning and an end. Applied to a relationship where your happiness is drawn from the prosperity of that relationship, it will come to an end. You will end up drinking way more than you should, end up in a bush outside of a club with your best friend holding onto you while you proclaim to him how much of a piece of shit you are for dumping her and how you regret every single second of it. That was a rough night... But thank god for that friend...
The therapist said something that made me think, as they do I guess. He said in a moment of truth the universe is a mirror. He paused and let the confusion work its way from my spine to eyebrows. One raised and one lowered I leaned in motioning for him to go on. The universe will reflect what you show it. You wake up in the morning and say “fuck another day, I’m such a worthless piece of shit” The universe will look you dead in the eye and whisper. Yes. Yes you are. However if you wake and say “today i am alive, today is my day and I’m going to grip it be the horns and fuck it up the ass” The universe will look at you and shout “YAAAAAAAAAAAS QUEEEN SLAAAAAYYY”.
Simply put what you give is what you get. It was just something in the way he phrased it that clicked the light-bulb on for me. I rode home with a different attitude. What you radiate is what you will receive and I’m going to do my damnedest to radiate positive thoughts and good ju ju.
So if anything to summarize my ramblings.
1. Love you. Be happy in your own skin. Find joy in the silence.
2. Everything will end. Everything will one day be gone. All of it. Even you. So enjoy what is here while it is here and never build your foundation on a fault line. Build it on the only thing that wont leave you. you.
3. The universe is a mirror, so radiate what you’d like to reflect.
4. Do whatever the fuck makes you happy. Referencing point #3, one day yo ass going to be dead. So do whatever the fuck it is that makes you happy. Because if you don’t. Why are you even still here?
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