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rileysimon1994 · 1 year

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Warnings: mentions of depression, suicidal thoughts, Fluff, Angst.

Ghost x reader

Sometimes….life just hits you in ways you can't describe. Sometimes you don't wanna wake up anymore. You just wanna stop fighting because you are so tired of constantly being in a state of survival. Sometimes you wish the voices in your head would stop. Wish that one day these feelings would go away but they just keep coming. You wish that people close to you would stop calling you lazy,.. stop calling you a faker- stop. When will it end? It does end doesn't it? But when.

When…

You lay in bed staring at the off white ceiling into nothing. You woke up again, you wish you wished you hadn't, you wished that some mysterious force had taken you while you were asleep into a peaceful death but here you are again- awake with the bright sun shining in your face. You groan getting out of bed and sluggishly walk to the bathroom. Staring into the mirror you just tell yourself it will get better though you are starting to doubt it will. Turning the faucet on, you stare into the mirror waiting for it to become warm.

"Maybe I should...but what if...will I be missed? Maybe I'll be forgotten….if I do it will the voices end...but what will I miss when I'm gone...what if the feeling is still there in the afterlife...then I will truly never escape…"

Shaking the thoughts away you bring your hands together and let the warm water flow into your hands, splashing the water onto your face then drying it off with the hanging towel by the mirror, You turn the faucet off you turn and grab a small makeup back on the shelf and look back in the mirror. Hair? A mess, in knots and all tangled. Eyes? Lacking every bit of energy and happiness. Face? Bags under the eyes and dark circles from the lack of sleep from the voices plaguing your mind. Opening the bag you grab and pull out a few necessary items for your face:concealer, powder, foundation and a small eye shadow palette.

Staring once more into the mirror you feel the burn of the tears threatening to start showing, your vision becomes blurry as you bite your lip to keep from crying out in misery. Taking in a harsh breath you wipe the tears that fell from your eyes and once again turn the faucet on except you put it on cold and splash your face a few times. Once dry you pick up the container of concealer and place it under your eyes, once applied you reach in and grab a small sponge from the bag and wet it- after ringing out the water from the sponge you blend in the color, you then grab a brush and dip it into the [s/c] powder and apply it on the concealer quickly to avoid it from creasing. You apply a small layer of orange eyeshadow under your eyes then another coat of concealer. You blend it once more to hide the darkness under your eyes but that doesn't mean the darkness held within your eyes left. You grab the bottle of foundation and place it on your face, they say a little goes a long way but it's been a week since you've left the house and now your foundation doesn't match anymore and is a shade too dark. You then blend in the color and the once tired face is replaced with a mask of a refreshen soldier.

Grabbing a brush you comb out all the tangles and knots in your [h/l] [h/c]. You style it in one of the 4 ways of dress code then grab the clean clothes you left in the bathroom for when you went back to the base. Getting dressed would've been easier if you weren't so tired qnd felt like your body was made of rocks. The smallest task felt like an eternity, and felt so difficult to do that you almost gave up. You take a breath in and roll your shoulders back and look in the mirror. The messy look was gone now and you were ready to leave. Getting into your car you sat there inter drivers seat for the moment

"Maybe I should drive off a cliff….they'll just think it was an accident...maybe I should...maybe I should"

You hit your head on the steering wheel in an attempt to block out the voices in your head. Breathing in deeply you start the car and make your way to the base. Recently, Ghost and soap were captured but were rescued after about a month. You were on leave for two weeks because of an injury you obtained when they got captured [which you blame yourself for]. It was always your fault. You're a curse. You aren't supposed to be here…

You arrive at the base and park in your stall, you exit and enter the building making your way to the rec room. You didn't have any work to do yet so you figured you'd go there and "relax". Upon entering you seen a bit of a figure in the kitchen section and peeked over a bit. It was ghost. You bite your lip and quietly sneak past the door way into the rec room and sit on the couch.

"He hates you. He hates you. It's your fault he endured pain. It's your fault he got caught. You should've helped him. You could've helped him. Why are you always such a fuck up"

Had he not screamed your name you may have never snapped out of it.

"[Y/N]!!!!" Ghost yells finally getting your attention. Time to play the part. You smile widely "its good to see you again ghost I hope you recovered well i'm sorry that I messed up I should've listened to you-" your smile fades at the end and you look at the floor. "[Y/N].." He says gently, a finger slides under your chin and makes you look at him. "I'm sorry" is the only words that come to your mind when speaking to him. Even if you didn't do something wrong you felt the need to apologize. Whether someone was mad,upset, scared...you always felt like you were the problem.

You stare at him. "Nothing was your fault. Nothing has ever been your fault. I made the decision along with soap to go into the building. WE made that decision which YOU disagreed with. Us getting caught had nothing to do with you" be says, the words 'we' and 'you' were emphasized loudly and made you jump. All you could do was nod. Ghost sits on the table and pulls you forward a bit, you tense at the cold wet wipe touching against your face and in a quick panic try to move away. Ghost grabs your arm and pulls you to him holding your body against him. "Please don't...I like my makeup today it's very natural.." you say with a nervous laugh

"No more [y/n]...no more."

Ghost begins to wipe away all the makeup easily. Soon the once natural refreshing look is replaced by the tired and defeated face of someone who's been fighting everyday and just trying to make it to the end of the week. The burning feeling once again is felt in your eyes, the whites of your eyes slowly turn pink as you fight back the tears which inevitably fall down your face. For months you've been hiding how tired you've been. For months you screamed in your head for help. For months you cried yourself to sleep. For months you've only thought the worst. Ghost sets the dirty wipe aside and gently reaches his hands to touch your face..hot tears streaming down the now pale skin, the dark circles are more prominent as your eyes begin to become puffy.

"Look at me [y/n]..."

His voice is gentle, his hands leave your fave gently wiping tears and his arms wrap around your waist as he holds you close he Gently turns sitting on the couch and pulls you into his lap. Your breathing becomes heavy and ragged. You're trying so hard not to cry, but you're overwhelmed. "I see you...you're tired..not just physically. You've been on survival mode for so long and keep putting on such a happy face for everyone here- no more. Talk to us. Talk to me..we won't always know when you are hurting. But we will be here to listen..to hold you and to help you." His voice is soft and just above a whisper like it's a secret for only you to hear. You can no longer hold back the tears and choke out a sob. You cling to him like he was your life line and cry into his shoulder, his arms hold you tighter as he holds you in a tight embrace. You can feel all your energy going, all the sadness you've been holding in pours out into each tear you shed. You can hear his voice become broken "I swear to God [y/n] what are you thinking...we are here for you even when it feels like we aren't. We love you so much. I love you so much. I know these feelings keep coming back and I know it feels like a never ending battle but with all of us here we will fight it with you…" he says holding your frame and all you can do is cry. The feeling of emptiness, the feeling of being alone are slowly leaving your body- the body that felt so drained of life..he stands up while holding you and walks to his room, upon reaching the door he twists the silver know and proceeds to enter his room. He still holds you as he pulls back the covers of the bed, he kicks off his shoes and sets you down. He pulls his shirt up and over his head, and set it down. He pulls your shoes off then looks at you "I'm going to undress you alright? Not to do anything to you but to make you feel comfortable. You aren't working today understand?" He says, all you could do is nod- from the months of your brain being on survival mode you can feel the last of your energy depleting.

Ghost strips you of your clothes then places the shirt he was just wearing over your head. The shirts is 3 sizes too big and stops at your mid thighs, ghost slides into the bed next to you and pulls you too him. "Sleep. You deserve it...you fought for so long….you kept the mask of pain hidden and a fake smile on your face for years….you deserve to rest...your work will still be there but your mind will only drift further into a messy sea if you don't rest...the work...the planning...all of it will be there still...it's something that is do able and replaceable...you aren't. Nothing can replace you. No one can replace you. Everything can wait….just rest…" he says quietly as you shut your eyes. "Just rest…" was the last thing you heard before you slipped into a calming sleep.

Ghost gently runs a hand through your hair, he never told you how he knew you were hiding your true emotions. He wasn't sure how to put it either. Truth be told when they were caught their captures had threatened their team. Including you. They pulled up surveillance of each individuals home. For a month they watched as you screamed and cried, watched as you lay there in bed staring at the empty ceiling feeling the life drain from your body. They watched as you barely ate, barely showered or changed even after you left the hospital. But the one thing that hurt the most is when they seen how you faked being happy. Faked a smile to make someone laugh. Faked that you were OK because you were scared to bug someone with your feelings and issues because you felt they were already burdened by your presence. But you still fought. You still woke up. You were still there. So when soap was watching you from afar as you left your apartment it pained him to watch you suffering, watch you hit your head against the wheel and sit there trying to force your feelings down. But you still were here with them.

You were still here.

Still fighting.

Still trying.

Ghost pulled his mask off to gently kiss your forehead and laid his head back on his pillow. He turned his head to face you as you slept and smiled.

"I'm proud of you for still being here...all we can ask of you is to try your best..even if it's something small.. celebrate that one small thing because even when you were so drained and dull..fighting against everything against you when you were stuck in survival mode....you still did it. You fought against every negative thought you had and still made it out on top. You may not be where you wanted to be today whether it was with your work or your life [y/n]...buy you still made it and that's a very big accomplishment you've done...just keep fighting and every morning you wake up, you tell yourself good job….because you very well indeed did a good job by not giving in or giving up...and we are so proud of you for fighting...now you deserve some rest...we love you [y/n]. Always have and always will" ghost whispers as he closes his eyes and falls asleep

#ghost x reader #fluff #modern warfare #simon riley #soap #price #gaz #fanfic

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