red-panda-and-yeen-boy

[red-panda-and-yeen-boy]

Chapter 3  - I’m Not Ok.

Haida’s ears perked up. Retsuko’s eyes where facing the ground. She needed to save all her strength possible to keep talking. It had been a very long time since she had been completely sincere with someone else and not just herself.

“I’ve never liked anyone before… the last time I thought I did but, I was lying to myself.” She gulped down chocking her anxiety to the pit of her stomach. “I wanted so much to love someone and to someone to love me that I pretended to be happy, but I was not” Her voice started to crack. “I’ve not been happy for a very long time. I just think, I rushed in to things” Her eyes watered fast and before she could try to keep them in, two tears already flowed out.

“Oh my god I’m sorry. I’m making a scene. I shouldn’t be crying in front of you. I’m sorr-”

“Hey! Hey hey… hey” Haida’s voice came in a whisper so tender it made her cry more. Retsuko squeezed her eyes tight. Her cheeks burning hot from embarrassment and relief. She was not used to letting things out like that in front of people. Haida had instinctively grabbed her paws in his and squeezed them.

“Retsuko, look at me” Retsuko shook her head.

“I’m so embarrassed…this is terrible. I shouldn’t be dumping my feelings on you” Haida had gotten really close. Even though she was saying these things she returned Haida’s squeeze as she was trying to keep her breathing stable and calm.

Tears where now fully streaming down her face. She felt Haida’s paw wiping them off.

“Come, follow me” Haida stepped off his stool helping Retsuko down with one arm, he took the cake in the other also balancing one of the glasses of water on the groove of his elbow. Retsuko was covering her face in embarrassment. She was afraid of the other customers noticing her. Lorena shot a worried glance at Haida and he quickly gave her a silent nod letting her know everything was ok.

Haida took Retsuko’s paw in his, guiding her through a small corridor, he turned left opening a door and letting them in quickly. The light changed in to an even more calming orange tone. The strong incense and coffee smells where gone and the room invited her in with an even more soothing aura as this was a small, private room with two couches facing each other. A flat screen tv on one corner and a big speaker on another. It was a karaoke room.

Even though there where couches. Haida guided her to sit on the fluffy carpet with her back against the wall.

“This place is very private, and no one can hear us.” His paw resting on Retsuko’s shoulder he gently rubbed her back with the other.

Retsuko rubbed her eyes. Steadying her breathing but the tears kept coming out.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m being hysterical for nothing!”

“You’re having an anxiety attack. There’s nothing wrong with you. It’s just a bad moment…hey” Haida whipped her face again. Retsuko’s eyes finally opened. Slowly, they met his. “It’s going to be ok. I’m here. Nothing is wrong. Nothing is going to happen.”

In a moment of intense emotion, customary politeness of physical boundaries became extinct in the confines on that room. He rested his forehead on hers and he held her close with his paws planted on her back. She was shaking from the anxiety as she closed her fists on Haida’s shirt. Retsuko felt like she was breaking so many good conduct rules, but at that moment it was helping her so much to calm down. So, she ignored it.

Every time her body trembled with another wave of anxiety, Haida responded by telling her it was ok and that she was safe. After a little while, her breathing finally calmed down and the shaking went away. The silence in the room was only interrupted by their breathing.

“I’ve never had an anxiety attack before” Retsuko’s voice was hoarse. Her forehead still resting in his. She was still a little scared of opening her eyes. She slowly pulled away. The lack of support from Haida’s arms left her with an empty feeling but she kept retreating in to a sitting position.

Haida figured it had been enough of touching for the moment and also retreated. She had calmed down. There were no more excuses to hold her. He reached out for the glass of water passing it to her.

She murmured a thank you and gulped it down eagerly. Retsuko gasped for air and then rested her head on her knees retreating in to a fetal position.

“I’m sorry I caused this” Haida’s voice reached her ears. It was full of pain.

“You didn’t cause this!” She responded quickly. New energy in her voice.

“Retsuko. I made you have an anxiety attack. I should have never pressured you in to having this conversation so soon…”

“Haida” Retsuko voice came out in a strong commanding tone. She had lowered her knees to the floor folding her legs to one side. She had turned her back to Haida’s side, so she could face him completely. Her eyes puffy and filled with exhaustion still carried a determined look.

Haida kept silent, his eyes fixated on Retuko’s determined gaze.

“I was not finished…before” Retsuko frowned. Her gaze meeting the floor once more.

“I’m not good at talking about my feeling with another person. I’m used to keeping to myself when it comes to things like this. The truth is that I’m scared of showing this side of me, but you were so honest with me at the hospital. It’s only fair to be honest with you too”

Retsuko paused to breathe in deeply.

“I don’t want to pretend like I’m ok. I don’t want to pretend I’m happy. I lie to myself every day. I’m not confident or successful or smart, I’m not even cute so, why do you like me Haida?” Retsuko met his eyes with immense effort.

“You said yourself. You only know the Retsuko that lives in your head. I’m not that Retsuko. I’m a messed-up girl who cried in public and embarrassed you. I’m always angry at others and I’m always angry at myself. I am, a complete mess!” Retsuko slapped her paws on her thies and chuckled sadly at herself. She was too scared to meet Haida’s eyes again.

“I wanted to be the Retsuko in your head. You like that Retsuko. That’s why you where my friend. I didn’t want you to see the real me. I didn’t want to lose you.” Retsuko’s voice had gone back to calmer tone. What was done was done. There was no turning back now. She knew Haida’s ideal Retsuko had died the minute she started talking.

She was very surprised though, when she heard a faint sad laugh coming from him.

Retsuko raised her gaze quickly in surprise. From all the responses she could possibly imagine. This was not one of them.

Haida’s laugh dripped exhaustion and melancholy. He covered his eyes with one paw, Grabbing his head with the other. His eyebrows frowned. He had folded himself, taking his head in between his legs and during all this time, Retsuko watched. Puzzled.

Finally, Haida lifted his head, his eyes still closed. The sad laugh had stopped, and he let out a massive sigh. He turned his head towards her, his eyes now open. The way he looked at her with glimmering eyes from threatening tears and a half smile only confused her more.

“You wanna know why I like you” Haida’s gaze had turned to an invisible point on the ceiling then, his eyes came down to stare at the wall right across the room that faced them.

“Remember when you gave me zupagumi gum?” Haida asked Retuko, now once more directing his gaze at her.

Retsuko’s blank stare was a silent negative to his question.

“It was 3 and a half years ago. We were at work and you, me and Fenneko decided to take a break because Tsunoda had decided to pick that day to be extremely more annoying than usual.We were at our table next to the vending machine and I was feeling like hell that day. Man, I can’t really tell you all the crap I had to go through that particular day but anyway, I’m sidetracking here. We are at the table and Fenneko is just feeding off my misery and the only thing I can remember from what I said was that the only thing that could fix that crappy day was if I could just get my hands on some zupagumi gum. Next thing I remember is gathering my things from my desk when I see this pack of zupagumi gum right on my desk with this cute pink post it note. It said: smile! Crappy day is over”

Haida quickly wiped off his eyes.

“It was from you. I knew because you always put these cute little flowers on your messages. I know it’s insane when you hear it like that but, yeah. I think that’s when I knew.”

Haida’s voice turned in to a more serious tone.

“I think you’re the sweetest person I’ve ever met.”

Retsuko chuckled sadly.

“You’re just saying that to make me feel better”

“I’m not ok” Haida interjected.

“What?” Retsuko was taken off guard by the sudden shift in mood and the sudden dull color his eyes took.

“I haven’t felt ok in a while. I am a 26-year-old mess of a guy who hates his job and spends all day with his head low to avoid trouble. I get pissed at stupid things and drink my problems away. Oh! And as you can see, my jaw is so messed up, half of my teeth stick out like a freaking eyesore!”

The last part had made Retsuko laugh a little, effectively ending Haida’s sudden decent in to depression.

“Do you know how many times have a bit my tongue today?!” He said in a louder tone, mocking himself while Retsuko kept giggling.

“I’m a mess. A sad, pathetic mess” Haida’s once more serious tone made Retsuko stop laughing.

“But, when I’m with you. I feel a little more ok with myself”

Restuko’s eyes widened. Her heart started to pound in her chest so hard she swore she could feel the pulsations traveling through the wall.

“I just, want to be the guy who makes you feel a little more ok too.”

Haida’s words had left him before he could rethink his bold statement. They reached a stunned Retsuko who’s cheeks only got reader and effectively had made her heart burst. Haida’s expression was one of slight fear and expectations for a possible answer.

Retsuko gave herself a few minutes to compose herself. Her body just moved, slowly. Scooting towards him, she silently placed herself on his chest. He had been confused at first but had instinctively spread his legs, so she could fit in the middle. His long arms enveloping her small frame. Her head rested perfectly under his chin, her paws gently pressed against the crook of his neck.

She closed her eyes and breathed in his scent. She felt his big paws on her back and waist. She felt the warmth of his chest and took notice of his figure, hidden under his baggy white shirt. She felt the tuff of fur sticking out of his unbuttoned collar, it was tickling her nose. She realized just how well she seemed fit there. It was like one of those friendship necklaces with the heart broken in to two pieces that fit perfectly under magnetic attraction. She felt her heart, pounding loudly in her chest, and that’s when she also felt his. Pounding even harder.

“I think you are” She whispered.

#aggressive retsuko #aggretsuko #retsuko #retsuko x haida #haida #retsuhaida #aggretsuko fanfiction #fanfic

[red-panda-and-yeen-boy]

Chapter 2 - Chocolate Cake

Warm air hit Retsuko in the cheeks once the doors opened. A bar styled coffee place greeted her. The walls colored in earthy tones and the smell of incense blending in with the coffee freshly poured by a leopard barista who smiled at them as they entered the room.

“Well look who it is! Jaws is back” The leopard said, smiling at Haida as he sat on one of the stools.

“Lorena, how’ve you been” Haida smiled back while taking off his coat.

Retsuko became more interested. The foreign name and her thick accent gave her away as not being Japanese. Her gaze was fixated on the friendly barista as she tried to climb in to the stool. No success, it was a tad too high and she was tired to jump on to it like a child.

“Oh, sorry hun I forgot to lower that” Lorena said, her green eyes meeting hers.

Her cheeks flustered scarlet red in embarrassment. There where not a lot of times where her height had become an issue as there where many animals of her same stature, but when a moment that it did become a problem, always seemed to be particularly embarrassing. Like this one.

“Here, I can help you if that’s ok” Haida’s voice came from her side in a calm tone.

Without actually realizing what he meant, she instinctively said yes as she had always done every time her computer had problems or Ton had dropped an extra pile of papers on her. She felt a small pressure on both sides of her waist and before she could finish realizing what was going on, her feet where in the air and she had a cushy stool underneath her.

Blinking a few times, she cached Haida’s red face turning to face the barista. Her brain putting two and two together and finally realizing that he had lifted her up. Her ears where so hot she could picture smoke coming out of them.

“So, Jaws are you gonna tell me who your friend is?” Lorena chimed in, her presence calming Retsuko’s nerves.

“She’s a friend from work, we got off early Fenneko is still sick” Haida responded while loosening the knot on his tie.

“Oh poor thing! So that must mean you’re Retsuko!” Lorena’s warm voice jolted her in to reality completely.

“Oh!...y-yes. Nice to meet you!” Retsuko’s voice came out a little too high and she bowed her head a little too low

“No need for formalities hun! My place is for every customer to loosen up and relax” Lorena laughed.

“Lorena’s coffee bar is kind of a hot spot for people who come from work and need a quiet place” Haida mentioned.

“That’s right! Jaws here has been coming by himself since for-e-ver! I’m so glad I finally get to meet one of his legendary coworkers.” Lorena said, whipping the bar clean for them. “You want your usual?”

“Yes please, I’m so glad it’s Friday. I think I’ve earned it!” Haida’s familiar tone in a setting outside from work and the small restaurant they used to go with Fenneko was still new for Retsuko.

It was warmer, calmer. The usual high ring in his voice was gone. It was like when he greeted her and Fenneko at the Hospital when he saw them for the first time.

“Retuko, you want a menu?” Haida’s question brought her back to earth.

“Huh? OH! Sorry, Uhm… I’m curious so, maybe can I have what you’re having?”

Haida’s eyes widened.

“Sure!” he smiled “it’s a tad big though, you wanna share?” Retsuko became more confused. Just what was what Haida ordered?

“Kay kay! I’ll be right back” Lorena’s melodical voice made Retsuko feel like she was about to get a treat from her mother for returning from school on time.

Lorena stepped away from the bar, facing away from them she got right to work. Retsuko wanted to look at what she was making but Haida’s voice made her forget about her little investigation.

“This is where I come when I need to be alone. D-don’t get me wrong! I love hanging out with you guys but, sometimes you just need your own special place.” Haida closed his eyes, ruffling the fur on his head as to trying to calm down a headache. When he put his paw down, a few tuffs of messy hair sprouted out of the back of his head, making him look more casual.

“I…totally understand. Believe me” Retsuko finally felt loose enough. Her shoulders became less stiff and she allowed herself to slouch in to a more comfortable position.

“This place is very peaceful. I can see why it’s your private place” Retsko closed her eyes, tilting her head backwards just a bit to enjoy the inviting scent of coffee and incense.

“It’s not exactly my favorite scene but…” Haida took a long breath “You know when you’re so overwhelmed by work and yourself that you just want to explode?” Haida’s eyes widened, His mossy green irises becoming more visible under the faint yellow light.

“Yes!” Retsuko answered eagerly. She was quite familiar with the feeling.

“This is where I go to calm down sometimes. I know it’s kinda silly to go to a coffee place to try and relax. More caffeine is the least you would thing to need but… it’s not because of that. It’s more of the… the… vibe! …Of the place. You know?”

“I totally understand” Retsuko smiled.

Haida’s eyes fixated on hers. They became full of an energy she quite knew off. Nevertheless, it brought back a little of her nervousness.

“See, that’s why I wanted to share it with you. Uhm... it’s my special place and… you’re special to me so… so yeah” Haida’s claws started tapping the bar. His face red and his eyes quickly darting back to face Lorena’s back, still hard at work on their order.

After three weeks, this conversation she kept thinking about having finally arrived. She was not ready for it. She didn’t see it coming but Retsuko knew they had to talk about that day at the hospital and what it was said. This was not something she could bottle up and let it out in the Karaoke room.

Retsuko put her paws on the stool, giving herself a little boost to face Haida better. She was trying to catch courage to look at him.

“Uhm, I… I’m happy you shared it with me” Retsuko smiled faintly, her cheeks where tinted in pink and her tail fluffed up just the slightest. Haida took notice but quickly averted his gaze. It was unpolite to look at a lady’s tail after all.

“I-I know we’ve been kind of avoiding talking about this… I’m not gonna lie, I’ve been looking for a good moment to bring it up. I didn’t want to do it at work because I felt it would’ve put too much pressure on you” Haida’s eyes shimmered with worrisome feelings. Retsuko paid attention to the faint specs of brown and yellow swimming in his green. The yellow light of the bar making it easier to be noticed.

Retsuko understood the look in his eyes. The slight anxiety of opening your heart to someone. It was amazing just with how much clarity she could see that Haida’s feelings where completely and utterly sincere. It was in his eyes and also by how fast his red tie rose and dove with each deep breath he was taking, trying to calm himself down.

“I’m glad we are talking about it. I’m sorry I made you wait, I should’ve said somethi-”

“No, please. It’s me who should’ve tried to talk to you first. I’m the guy, right?” Haida cut her off.

Retsuko frowned a bit. However, a faint smile still adorned her face. Haida was being so considerate of her feelings she couldn’t help but to feel treasured.

“Actually, I should have been the one to talk to you first. After all, I haven’t given you my answer yet.”

Haida’s eyes widened.

“You told me you needed time to find yourself again. I thought, you know…I could try again later. I know it has not been long but-” Haida covered his face with his paws, rubbing his eyes he sighed deeply. When he opened them again his gaze was tired and a little sad. “I’m blowing this am I, I’m coming on to strong…I”

“Oh my God, you thought that was my answer” Retsuko covered her mouth. Her heart was beating so fast she felt it in her throat. Haida’s eyes glimmered with anticipation. “I was actually…giving myself time to understand myself better before I actually gave you an answer…I-”

“One big choco coffee cake slice with extra whipped cream on top!” Lorena’s giddy happy announcement brought even more interest to the giant piece of cake that now laid in front of Retsuko and Haida.

“Here’s two spoons and two ice cold glasses of water to wash it down, Enjoy!” Lorena wiped her paws and left them to their conversation.

Retsuko looked at the cake in awe. It was gorgeously decorated, and the rich scent of chocolate made her mouth water. She hadn’t eaten sweets in almost a month but, there was a more important matter to tend to. Turning around to face Haida once more, her mouth opened eagerly to continue the conversation. It was in the second that her stomach also decided to grumble, loudly.

Haida blinked twice, Retsuko’s face turned beat red in embarrassment. Haida smiled.

“Hey, it’s ok. Maybe we should take a little break.” He grabbed a spoon and passed it to her. She shily accepted it. “This conversation is intense for the both of us, we don’t need to rush” He grabbed the other spoon and scooped a piece of the cake off.

“This. Is the best cake in the whole world.” He said, smiling.

Haida bit down on the spoon giving Retsuko a flash second of a full display of his teeth. The three fangs always sticking out. She finally understood Lorena’s nickname for him. She sighed, relaxing her muscles she copied his action and took a bite out of the cake.

“Oh…my…”

“I know” Haida said smiling satisfactorily.

“What… is on this?!” Retsuko whispered loudly.

“I swear it’s like…sugar magic or something” Haida chuckled, grabbing another bite.

“That’s because it’s actual sugar” Lorena’s voice joined in once more. She had returned to face them on the other side of the counter. “I bring the ingredients from home and make the cake myself.”

“It’s delicious!” Retsuko exclaimed.

“Thank you, thank you. What can I say, love is the best flavor! and real sugar of course.” Lorena noticed another customer signaling at her. With a quick “enjoy your cake” she soon left to tend to it, leaving Retsuko and Haida with her comment floating between them.

They couldn’t look at each other. It was too difficult, it was too intense. No matter how big and delicious the cake, they could not hold out this conversation any longer.

“Haida” Retsuko’s voice came out faint and with a hint of fear. It was difficult to describe why. She wasn’t scared of talking to him. She was scared of talking about herself.

Haida’s attention became completely devoted to her. His eyes recovered that shimmer of deep feelings. The yellow and brown specs shaking in the green.

“I’m scared… of the real deal.”

#haida #aggressive retsuko #aggretsuko #aggretsuko fanfiction #retsuko #haida x retsuko #fanfiction #retsuhaida

[red-panda-and-yeen-boy]

Chapter 1 - A Game of Stares

Days at the office where as they usually where, but only if you didn’t know where to look. The accounting floor had been turned in to a playing field harboring two players. The game? Which one would avert the gaze the quickest, which one would nervously smile and murmur a hello and then dart back to their station and to Fenneko’s amusement, which one would manage to eat their lunch the quickest and leave while looking at the floor the whole time.

This was the current reality of Retsuko and Haida. Now that feelings where out in the open none of them had actually planned how to interact from now on. At least, the tension was not related to any sort of negative reasons but more as a result of two socially awkward young adults trying to figure out how to act around one another.

The confession at the hospital had been easy after the first wave of nervousness had been calmed down by Retsuko’s positive response and warm smile. But, Haida didn’t really plan what to do next after Retsuko left and he got discharged returning to work on Monday. It had been two weeks. Two weeks of shy smiles and glances and nervous laughter and a collection of all sorts of interactions that lasted seconds before emotions got to strong and made them leave.

Work got hard, it got so hard not tilt heads and get a peek of the other through piles of folders and office supplies. Through all the tensions and awkward situations, it was still nice. It was nice to feel looked at, smiled at. It felt nice to know that someone, even though they where super shy, liked you so much they kept trying to overcome it with every little look.

It was exciting, it was new, and it was something to fuel Retsuko’s and Haida’s desire to get up and go to work. But, the little game didn’t last long because after three weeks of little giggles and glances Fenneko got sick and needed to stay home and rest and that meant that someone had to cover for her. Since Retsuko already had extra piles of documents courtesy of Tsunoda, that left one person…. Haida. Things got more fun when Fenneko’s USB port didn’t work so Haida couldn’t transfer the documents and had to end up sitting at her station, next to Retsuko.

If there was a contest for who would sit the straightest, both of them would’ve won. Same would’ve happened for a “who can widen their eyes the biggest” or “who could type like a mad hacker the fastest” Work got done that day. Work got done so fast they even where able to leave on time. Together.

Streets where buzzing that afternoon and it felt weird being out with the sun still up, even though it was quite low… still, Retsuko felt weird. For the first time in a very long time, she was out of work and the sun was still up. Karaoke was still closed, and she didn’t want to go home just yet. Haida was right beside her, still stiff as a board, pupils so small she could see the color of his eyes. That’s when she realized she had turned around to look at him and he had noticed.

Kew for the nervous laughter and shy smiles so wide they couldn’t see. Retsuko didn’t have the luxury to turn around and get back to her desk this time so by some unnamed force of nature the game changed once she opened her mouth.

“I hope Fenneko is ok” Her voice quivered for only a second. Her volume a little low but Haida’s ears picked it up.

Haida paused a little, blinking a few times and finally registering the fact he had to respond.

“AH! Yeah! I hope she’s ok”

Retsuko smiled, a cold breeze catching her by the back of her neck making her hold her arms to her chest while letting out a cute little yelp.

It was Haida’s turn to be pushed forward by the unseen forces of the universe.

“H-Hey… It’s cold and since we got out early for once…” He lifted his arm scratching the back of his neck.

Retsuko picked it up. For the first time in weeks she looked at him straight in to his eyes, her mouth parted just the slightest in anticipation. That made Haida more confident in finishing the sentence.

“Do you wanna hang out for a bit? There’s this really nice place a couple of blocks away from here. It’s cheap and they have great hot drinks”

Restuko smiled, her lower eyelids curving upwards, cheeks tinted in a light pink.

“yeah, that sounds great”

Haida’s eyes shined for just a second before he returned the expression. Getting to her side, they walked down the sidewalk towards their destination.

#aggretsuko #aggressive retsuko #haida #retsuko #haida x retsuko #retsuko x haida #retsuhaida #fanfic #fanfiction #aggretsuko fanfiction #aggressive retsuko fanfiction