rantyraven

[rantyraven]

[rantyraven]

Day 1 with no weed

This past hour has been the roughest for me all day because I usually light my first joint around 5pm. I’ve been feeling shaky, trembling I guess. My head hurts. I feel antsy and anxious and have almost given up but I’m really trying to push thru. I want my old self and psyche back so terribly. But fuck the first day is agonizing.

It doesn’t help that this blog is the only kind of tension relief I can get. I need to actually talk to someone I trust, or at least just talk out loud. I don’t know. An hour ago I reached out to a friend for support on my situation. I told her how I was feeling and how I might fail again and how desperate I was to get better. Only to receive a response that had nothing to do with my initial text.

I feel so fucking angry about it. I don’t have many people who don’t smoke weed that I can turn to for support, for help getting through this. Because if I text my weed friends all I’ll hear is how they just don’t think marijuana can be addictive. I’m angry because why is it that people wanna preach for helping substance abusers and addicts only to turn around and leave loved ones on read when they fucking need help? Why won’t anyone I love listen to me and take my problems seriously? And why? Because I’m not on meth or crack?? Because there’s this big notion weed can’t harm someone’s life? Weed has fucked up all the ambition and life I was held.

What’s fucked up is that I don’t even know if what I just wrote makes any sense. My brain has become so rotted and dead from weed abuse that I have no idea if I’m conveying my thoughts properly. I don’t know if I’m communicating well.

I’m just angry, I feel so incredibly fucking angry right now and I swear to you I will remember every person in my life who is deciding not to be there for me right now

I will become the highest version of my fucking self and leave everyone else behind

#recovering stoner #recovery #self help #weed addiction #sobriety #substance abuse

[rantyraven]

Rn I keep telling myself “just one jay wont hurt” but it’s never just one

fuck I wanna smoke so bad but it’s never “just one” it never stops at one

#weed addiction #recovering stoner #recovery #self help

[rantyraven]

I hate myself more than anything right now. how I've let my abuse get in the way of bettering myself. how I've let it kill me and my hobbies. it all could have been so easy and I could be in a much better place had I followed thru with nipping it in April. weed just makes me feel angry and frustrated at myself for all my failures. it makes me feel rotten. I'm forced to live and feel myself dying. 

I can’t be trusted to just “cut down”. it’s impossible for me. I have to quit cold turkey and face the withdrawal.

#marijuana #marijuana addiction #weed addiction #recovering stoner #sobriety #substance abuse #recovery #self help

[rantyraven]

hey tumblr 

this is a little weird for me. but I feel like documenting my emotions and my trials and errors with this issue will help motivate me to actually making progress on it. for about a year and a half now I've been struggling incredibly hard with a weed addiction that I'm struggling to find a support system for. most of my closest friends not only smoke it daily as well, but are firm believers in the “it’s impossible to get addicted to weed” motto. based on their attitudes and actions tho, they’re just not self aware. looking thru tags on here have made me feel less alone and more validated that there is something wrong with me -- that there’s a reason I feel like I'm struggling so bad.

I hate who I am with weed. I feel so entirely useless and unmotivated to do anything. I miss the old me, the me that didn’t know the meaning of procrastination, who exercised daily, who actually completed projects, who actively practiced writing. I can feel my brain rotting away and I hate myself for letting this happen. 

I know this will be a long rant post and I don’t wanna clog any timelines so ---------vvv

my experience with weed didn’t begin until I was 24 when my partner brought stuff home from a dispensary out of state. back then it was fun and something I only did once in awhile. I remember how I couldn’t imagine how anyone could enjoy participating daily -- it was too much for me and I often felt hungover the next day. then I abused it during my final semester of graduate school -- the excuse was I needed to smoke to help my artistic expression. but soon I wasn’t working on my creative projects on weed anymore. I was entertaining manic episodes and busy being emotional and paranoid. the longer I smoke the more I feel like a rotting fat corpse. every day I'm desperate to stop but I still choke down 3-4 joints and maybe a bowl or two. I get anxious early in the day to smoke if there’s nothing else to distract me, or if I feel too lazy to do anything. but, the moment I smoke I feel the strength to stop and feel the shame of already fucking up before I could start. it’s so ridiculous that I only feel the motivation to completely quit weed only after just having smoked. 

god I'm so desperate to quit. I want my old life back. I want the old me. I want to live a normal life again and feel the ambition and drive and passion that I used to feel over the project ideas I have. I have so much potential to be successful and I feel crippled by this fucking drug. I hate that I can’t even confide in my friends without them interpreting my journey as some kind of better-than-thou bullshit. 

I want to quit so badly but I don’t know where to start. I've never even smoked cigarettes before so I have no experience quitting a substance that has such a grip on your life. 

I would love to receive some advice or support. maybe anyone else on here who’s in the boat with me, who also wants to work on their sobriety. I've tried and retried on my own over and over and always fail. if anything, I hope using this as a vent space for my frustrations as a quit, or if I fail again. what are some of the best ways to help distract from the craving to smoke?

#marijuana #majrijuana addiction #weed addiction #asking for advice #psychosis #recovering stoner #quitting weed #quitting smoking #self help #sobriety #substance abuse #recovery #advice