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raehneternal · 2 years

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Creating My Own Closure

Parting ways with someone is difficult, I withheld a lot of what I felt from that time...the multitudes, the pain in what felt like many dimensions, the depth of love and doing my best to walk through.

“Will you find me?” I turned to look at him, his gaze seemed desperate. I was full of stones and fire. “Please? Would you remember to look for me there?” I didn’t know what he meant but it picked at me… a request, after everything we had been through. After all the torture and pain I’d endured. But all I could see before me was a scared boy, the man was just a facade. An aged illusion of grief and regret and remorse. I knew he was not himself, that he didn’t know what that meant. Time had given me insight; into the situation, to him, to us. And why it had to end the way it did. It was like falling in reverse. First, you feel the pain as if you landed somewhere, and then you realize it was because you were catapulted somewhere against your will. I sighed. Not in exasperation. Just as a sign that he could relax…”Yes” I said, a voice tender but stern. “Yes I will. I promised. I must.” He looked like he would cry but he didn’t let his eyes do anything but glisten. He looked away. It was painful to see the lost boy try to find himself in his vessel then. I was sad for someone who couldn’t let their sadness out. It serves to poison, crying is the only cure. I took a moment of relief. This was the end for real this time. It really was, until this next chapter came to a close. Who knows how many times it’ll take before we reunite, not to depart again, but find our peace. I was sad again. This was an expansive grief. How many emotions would I feel simultaneously? It was large and heavy and I hadn’t the capacity for it previously. This time was different. I was ready for the next part of my life now. He wasn’t. Not for me, not to be in my life, I grieved this a thousand times over, a million tears and wicked nights of struggle had been behind me…but this was new. I was new. The pain was my creation in some infinity loop self birthing self. He was me too, I knew, in my soul I was not angry. Had I embraced him, his tears wouldn’t have a choice but to fall…it was right to do. The success of healing is allowing yourself to feel pain. It’s the only way to allow love through again…like light in a vessel, then the vessel shatters but forever repairs and holds the light again but stronger.

And so I held him there, I shouldn’t have, according to outside eyes. It was a human thing to do, but it was also inhuman, about a godliness that I didn’t feel exactly, but embodied. I let go of final threads, he was just beginning his, I didn’t choose it but It was what had to happen. I realized it. His guilt would be his companion, and teacher. I hadn’t wished that for someone I loved. I wanted it to be gentility and sweetness that soothed him, but it was the absence of that calm, quiet love that would teach him instead. I silently prayed that he would be open to these lessons. That he would find his love within instead of in others, where the fire burns hot but loneliness would be quick behind. It was a story I wrote for myself many times. Perhaps that’s why we knew familiarity in each other. I found myself in holding myself, through this person who was me in different form. I wept too. The strength of it held me back. I didn’t fight anymore. I loved him. The complexity was there again. Of course it was, we were old together once…I felt that. Lifetimes ago we knew each other. It was a better time, the outcome was different. I knew we had trusted each other with this because we were important to one another in a way that transcended time.

This was now a ghost before me. A relic of a life I was living as a different person. I was away, far away in my mind, I wanted to get away suddenly, expand into my next life…the strings between us fell away. I felt peace, and I didn’t envy his next lessons. I didn’t worry myself, I found. I felt peace. No matter what, it was all a part of the plan of the gods and I was swirling in the current of a cosmic stream of life and consciousness. In gratitude, I let go. He turned and said “I’m sorry.” There was ancient dust in his words. It felt multilayered, as if he knew we were old together. How many times had we exchanged this phrase to each other? How many languages? I still had no reply to it. “Goodbye” I said softly. When the time comes, that’ll be undone in another hello. When, where? How long from this moment? What will I endure? I didn’t care anymore, it just was whatever it needed to be. I unclenched this and let it flow down river. He left again, for the final time. I trudged up to my room, not sullen but single. Evolved, drifting towards my greater purpose and found some incense to light. I sat on the floor with a cat who did not approve of that much. He yelled and sat next to me, yellow eyes beckoning me to feel. I did, my friend, I felt years of energy. I wept more but not for long. It was what I needed. I gave thanks and drank some water. It was now time to dream and sleep and float. Just…float.

#closure #goodbye #moving on #feelings #free write #channeling #writing #letting my thoughts out #letting it out #soulmates #healing #journaling #spiritualpath #spiritualconnection

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raehneternal · 9 years

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