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A Thrill I’ve Never Known (Chapter 69)

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Here I come to give you another chapter before disappearing off the face of the earth again!

(All chapters tagged with #ATINK and also posted on Ao3, username PorkChop)

We'd been travelling through the night. Neither of us had slept in over twenty-four hours but it didn't matter, we just needed to create distance, and figure out exactly what to do. Our best plan was to head west and hope things had calmed down enough since Blackwater, there was no guarantee of course, but that was better than heading in literally any other direction. We weren't fit to survive out in the freezing cold of the Northern mountains, just the two of us, it was way too risky in the East, what with everything that had happened there, with how many people were after us.

So we kept riding, our horses pulling a wagon which Arthur and I sat atop; it was full of all our things, just like every other time we'd been on the move. Only this time, it was just the two of us. We'd all gone our separate ways, parting with haste below the light of a full moon, saying goodbyes that were far too hasty, though necessary. And most importantly, not forever. That's what we all kept saying, at least. I hoped it would be true.

"You ready?" Sadie asked me, approaching with a sorrowful aura that I hadn't seen since I first joined the gang, when she'd been fresh from the hell of what happened to her and her husband out in the snow.

"I guess so. Just waiting for Arthur. What about y'all?" I replied, and followed her gaze to where she cast it towards John and Abigail; who'd packed so little that it fit into saddlebags, just the same as Sadie. They had to pack light, where they were heading.

"Yeah, we're ready," she nodded, then sighed. "It's been real nice knowing you, it's been quite a ride, huh?"

"Yes it has," I chuckled quietly, then stepped closer, into the arms she immediately opened for me. I squeezed her tight, rubbing her back as she patted mine. "We'll write each other, you know what to do."

"Of course," she nodded, pulling back and smiling at me. Her eyes shined.

We'd all discussed a plan to keep in touch. We'd all have mail sent to Strawberry under various alias' and have them forwarded to wherever we found ourselves settling, once the timing was right. None of us knew when the timing would be as such, it could be years. But it'd happen eventually. We'd all been through far too much to part ways and become mere memories in each others' minds.

John and Abigail approached then, with Jack propped on Abigail's hip, his sleeping head resting on her shoulder.

"Arthur's coming," John said, nodding towards the road behind me, and I turned to see him and Jet emerging from the distance, cast in blue light from the moon. I took a shaky breath and quickly turned to John. He hadn't said much when Sadie and I arrived back at the camp and informed everyone of what had happened. He and Lenny hadn't been around when Dutch had died, and he seemed to remain in a state of disbelief from the moment we described the incident.

I still felt incredibly guilty.

"How're you feeling?" I asked them both. Abigail shook her head, as if to say that she didn't know, and I could understand. I was numb besides guilt.

"Lucky to be alive, after everything," John said frankly, exhaling a small, empty laugh.

"And what about what happened… you know–"

"About Dutch?" John cut me off, getting straight to the point. I nodded. "Well, it was gonna happen some way or another. I sort of wish I could've been there to see it, to see how he finally got taken out."

"You ain't mad?"

"Mad?"

"Well I know we ain't all been his biggest fans just lately but, he was still someone important to y'all," I mused, glancing back and forth between Abigail and John.

"He was as good as dead to me already. He would've killed one of us if he had the chance, I'm willing to bet money on that. He went so wrong, got totally twisted, he weren't the man I used to respect no more. I don't know if he ever could'a come back from it neither," John explained, glancing at Jack, "besides, there's far more important folk in my life who didn't leave me to rot in a jail, and people who gotta depend on me now. I couldn't go on like this and still have anything to do with that man. I guess it's… maybe it's better like this."

Abigail nodded in agreement, kissing Jack's forehead.

"I just can't believe after all he did, this is what finally did him in," she scoffed, shaking her head. "A damn horse."

"My only regret is we couldn't take his ass in to claim his bounty," Sadie snorted, trampling through any trace of delicacy in the conversation up until then. My lips parted, unsure of how to respond, and the others also remained silent for a few painful seconds. "Little bit too far?" Sadie questioned.

John allowed himself to laugh and shook his head. "Maybe a little further than I'd dare take it, but I can't hold it against you," he admitted, patting her shoulder.

Arthur arrived then, swinging his leg over to dismount and heading immediately our way. He glanced between the four of us, assessing the mood, and it was Abigail who spoke first.

"How're you doin' Arthur?"

"Well I'm about as alright as the rest of you I'm guessing, this ain't exactly how I expected things to go today when I rode out to them oil fields," he said distractedly, hands going to his hips. "I uh… I buried him. Took him out to the Cumberland Forest, figured it was a quiet enough spot, didn't wanna hang around for too long."

"You did a good thing Arthur, burying him after what happened," I told him, and when he met my eyes he seemed to not believe me.

"I wouldn't say it was a good thing, I just dug a whole in the ground and put him in it, I didn't say no words or prayers for him. What I did was the bare minimum. Anyway, we're ready?" He said, rolling straight into the next topic, not hovering around Dutch any longer. I swallowed down the nauseous feeling it gave me and nodded.

"We're ready."

"You folks are leaving?" A new voice spoke, and we turned to see Lenny approaching, Miss Grimshaw by his side.

"I guess so," John nodded.

"Mr. Morgan, I tried to stop her from going to those oil fields but she wouldn't hear sense–" Susan began but Arthur just shook his head, lifting his hand dismissively.

"It don't matter now," he said.

"I can't believe he's really gone," she said, shaking her head, her eyes full of pain. I understood that Susan had maintained a somewhat positive relationship with Dutch up until the end, only really seeing him for who he was in the clarity after Micah's demise. No matter how angry she was with him though, it was clear she would mourn for him. And perhaps even Arthur would; all those years of loyalty, they wouldn't exist free of emotion even after all that had happened.

Nobody said anything in response to Susan's statement, there were just a few shared glances and a long stretch of silence.

"Lenny, you got everything you need?" Arthur finally asked.

"I think so, all that's left is to shake all of y'all's hands," he said.

"You ain't going anywhere with just a handshake, kid," Arthur responded, and waved him in for a hug, patting him firmly on the back as he chuckled. "You take care of yourself, stay out of trouble. Make something of yourself, I know you will," he added.

"I'll do my best," Lenny chuckled. "I've had enough trouble to last me a hundred lifetimes."

They parted and Lenny proceeded to hug the rest of the group, giving John, Abigail and Jack one big collective hug before moving onto the others, and finally myself.

"Don't be a stranger, keep in touch," I told him. "I wanna hear all about Washington."

"I gotta get there first," he chuckled, and despite his obvious skepticism over the path he'd decided to take, there was a vibrancy in his eyes that assured me that he would be alright. He was a smart kid, with what he was willing to put in I was confident he would find a way to land on his feet.

"Safe travels, Lenny," I told him as we broke apart from our embrace.

"And to you."

"I don't wanna see no more about you in the papers Mr. Morgan, alright?" Miss Grimshaw barged forward, wagging a finger before pressing forward into Arthur's chest and open arms.

"I'll do my best," he promised.

"Yes you will, this is over now, 'cause I said so," she said, then turned to me for a hug.

"And you look after him, you hear?" She told me, and I laughed.

"I thought he was supposed to look after me," I teased.

"We both know what these men are like," she muttered playfully, then said her goodbyes to the others. Arthur sidled up to me, his fingers hooking subtly with mine where our arms dangled abreast, just our pinkies entwined.

Saying our final goodbyes, I hugged Abigail, kissing Jack's temple before I pulled away, and finally John. I felt my emotions rise dangerously close to the surface, and I knew I would cry if I gave even a little bit of slack to the rope I was keeping them tightly bound by. I took a deep, slow breath as John and I parted ways.

"It's been real nice knowing you," he said, in that hoarse voice of his that still managed softness in times like these. I scoffed out a laugh that loosened my control enough to fill my eyes with tears, though they didn't quite spill.

"What happened to keeping in touch, John?" I balked, noticing that I wasn't the only one taken aback by his comment. He grimaced and laughed, shaking his head.

"That ain't what I meant, shit, 'course we will. It's just a, uh, an expression," he back-pedalled, knocking a knuckle beneath my chin. "Been nice living alongside you, then. That better?"

"I suppose," I smirked.

Then there was a pause. We all looked amongst each other, lips arched into sad smiles, until we couldn't delay any longer. Things were too dangerous, we had no idea who could be coming for us, if anybody. At this point, our bodies were tired and we couldn't afford to fight anymore. We had to move on.

And so we did. And that was that.

I sighed as I went in circles reliving those moments in my mind, adjusting my position on the wagon seat by rolling onto my other hip. My backside was completely numb and probably bruised at this point from the bumpy road and the unforgiving wood. My new position put me close to Arthur, and he looked at me, gathering both reins into one hand and then the other, stretching out each of his sore palms.

"Want me to take over?" I asked. He must've been in control for the past couple of hours and it was probably my turn again by then.

"No princess, I'm okay. Besides, it gives me something to focus on," he said.

I planted my hand on his knee, rubbing it softly in circles.

"You ain't said much for a while," I noted.

"Neither have you," he retorted, though it wasn't with any sort of abrasiveness, there was a vague impression of a smile rising the corner of his mouth.

"Yeah you're right."

"I guess I'm just exhausted. I'm sure we'll talk about what happened eventually, and I ain't exactly avoiding it. I just…" he paused to sigh, "I ain't got the energy."

"That's okay," I told him, squeezing his knee once.

"We'll be able to stop soon I reckon. We're past Strawberry, headed towards the Great Plains. It's a little closer to Blackwater than I'd like but I fancy getting too close to Tall Trees even less. Some nasty folk been hanging 'round there lately I heard. I'd rather take my chances with lawmen than the Skinner Brothers."

"Yeah we should stop," I agreed, suddenly feeling the fatigue hit me once the idea of stopping to rest was planted in my mind.

We rode for another hour or so, and it must've been something like two or three in the morning when we finally stopped. We picked a remote location on the plains, by some trees, simply for a focal point so we didn't feel so exposed. There was no chance of us building a proper camp with a tent, so we just rolled out our bedrolls side by side and made a small fire to bring us some comfort as we ate canned peas to fill our bellies.

Once again, there were few words shared between us. We were both so bone-weary that neither of us even attempted conversation. Small talk felt pointless and anything else was far too heavy for either of us to bear the weight of just then. Instead, we finished our peas and laid down under the stars, pistols under our pillows. Arthur curled his body around mine from behind, settling me close to his chest in a protective embrace that made falling asleep that much easier. Though, my body didn't have it in it to put up much of a fight against the rest it so desperately needed.

We slept well into the afternoon and wasted no time in getting moving again once we rose and realised the time. We stopped by Manzanita Post, where we stocked up on some food a little more substantial than peas and had ourselves a proper meal with bread and meat kindly shared with us by an elderly hunter. The man could barely walk with a left foot almost entirely consumed by a wolf back in '78 – he'd told us the story twice in the time it took us to eat, bless his soul – but he could still hunt. Full and feeling much brighter than we had in days, we set off again.

Moving through the Great Plains, the air felt dryer here and it was a noticeable change after so long in the soupy climate of the Bayou. Though with the sun beating down on us, dampening our clothing with sweat and reddening Arthur's skin despite his hat providing a little shade, I suggested we stop for a while to cool off. Arthur agreed, and we took a rest beside the rapid, choppy waters of the Lower Montana River.

As we sat by the water's edge, enjoying a breeze and some shade from the trees, I realised that the events that had occurred in the oil fields felt just far enough away that discussing it felt doable. I brought it up, unable to hold my tongue as the questions chewed my mind to mush.

"Can I ask something?" I began, prompting Arthur to look at me from his seat beside me on the soft ground, moist from the splashing of the river, "about what happened at the oil fields."

"Go ahead," he nodded, not at all seeming surprised by my curiosity.

"Do you believe that Dutch would've left us be, had things gone differently?"

"Well, for a moment I did. I thought I could talk at least enough sense into him to achieve a ceasefire," he started, speaking through a deep exhale, "maybe I did. Maybe he would've kept his word."

He went quiet for a while, pondering his answer. Just when I thought he was done speaking, he continued.

"But he left me for dead. I saw what he did, and I ain't so dumb as to not realise he would've been glad someone else off'ed me."

"But if you think he wanted you dead, why would you go in there alone, without Charles or nobody?"

"I didn't think he'd have the guts to try and kill me on his own, I figured I'd be safe enough and I didn't want anyone else there making him feel cornered. But I know Dutch, he can't function without a gang behind him," he answered, and I shifted my gaze to Rayna who a little ways up the river from up, drinking and enjoying the shade; and I pictured Dutch's lifeless, bloodied face again. "He'll build up his numbers soon enough, and when he does–"

He faltered, seeming to remember something.

"If he was alive," he said, his voice strange. So that was the something he remembered… "He probably would've come for me when he could have his circus do his dirty work."

The silence that followed stretched on long enough that I thought the conversation was over, once again. But Arthur looked at me again, and took a breath.

"So no, to answer your question I suppose deep down I don't believe he would've left us be. But I was raised by him. I guess that makes me just as yellow bellied as him, and I couldn't kill him either. Not unless I was protecting you," he gestured to me with an open palm, "and thankfully he never had the chance to put me in that position."

"You ain't yellow bellied," I assured him, "far from it. Ain't many people who could come out the other end of what you've been through with any semblance of sanity. And a yellow bellied man would have shot him in the back without thinking twice. You gave him a chance to do the right thing, at least."

Arthur took a breath and rose to his feet, taking a few steps forward and crouching by the river. He cupped his hands in the stream, and splashed his face with the cool water. When he was done, he addressed me from over his shoulder, some tension leaving his stance.

"Thank you, sweetheart, you've always had a way of making me feel less of a monster. I ain't sure it's true, but I appreciate you for it," he said.

"You're far from a monster, Arthur."

He inhaled audibly and raised a shoulder almost in dismissal, but he clearly didn't want to argue or press the topic further. I got up as well and closed the gap between us, crouching down beside him. I ran my fingers through the damp strands of hair on his forehead. When I met his eyes again, he was looking at my lips; and I took that as my cue to lean in and kiss him once, simply and sweetly.

"I'm sorry for how things ended. I could tell myself it weren't my fault and that it was just an accident 'till I'm blue in the face, but the truth is; my actions caused it," I said, looking him in the eye. I didn't allow myself to shy away from him.

"You could also spend your life blaming yourself. But you never meant for him to die. I know that, you know that, everyone who was there knows it too. I don't feel like I need to say this, but I know you need to hear it," he said, then took my hand and squeezed it, "you're forgiven."

His words surprised me, those last ones in particular. I knew Arthur didn't blame me but I wanted to own up to what I had done; I wasn't seeking absolution. I didn't even realise for myself what I needed, but he had given it to me. Forgiveness.

He kept hold of my hand and rose up, pulling me up with him. He then held both of my hands in his, looking down at them.

"And I hope you'll forgive yourself. Because we all lose ourselves sometimes. Something happens and we're hurt, we let our feelings rule us, things get out of hand. That's what happened yesterday, and you weren't the only one there, I didn't stop you because I was hurt too," Arthur continued, and I simply listened to his wisdom, soaking it in, always eager to hear when he spoke at length; he was a smart man and nobody gave him enough credit for that. "What's done is done, ain't no amount of guilt is gonna bring him back, just like it ain't gonna stop me from ever living most of my life following him around and doing all manner of unspeakable things. So we just gotta do our best from here on out, okay?"

"Okay," I nodded.

"We've got a chance, now. It won't be easy, there's plenty of folk still out for my neck and I can't make that disappear, and I'm sorry for that, princess, truly I am," he finally met my eyes then, his looking like shimmering pools, brimming with remorse. "For now all I can give you is my loyalty, and all we've got is each other. So if you're willing to accept me the way I am, after all I've done, you ain't got no excuse for beating yourself up."

I nodded slowly, considering the logic behind his words that was inescapable. I didn't want a free pass for what I had done, and he hadn't given me that. But what he had given me, was enough reason for me to swallow down my pity and accept it for what it was; Dutch was dead and I'd played a hand in that, intentionally or not. Nothing would change it. Forgiveness for myself perhaps would come later, for now, acceptance would have to suffice.

"Thank you," I told him, feeling some of the weight and tension bleed away from my shoulders.

"Thank you," he shook his head, "you've done far more for me than I could ever do for you if I spent the rest of my life trying."

"All I did was love you," I told him, shaking my head.

"You say that like it's a small thing," he chuckled, tracing a line with his thumb from my cheek to my temple. He kissed me again, his other hand moving to the small of my back and pressing my body to his. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and leaned into him, working my lips with his softly and sensually. A dizzying flow of warmth cascaded over me like the rapids over the rocks, and I fed a soft hum of pleasure between his lips.

I could've kissed that man forever. But I had to settle until the moment he shifted his footing and lost it on the soft bank, his legs skidding down from under him towards the water. We broke apart suddenly, and there was a strange moment of conflicting forces as Arthur's arms pushed me back towards the bank to save me from going with him, but my own arms reached out in a vain attempt at stopping him. We both ended up in the water with a heavy splash that frightened the birds from the trees.

The water was thankfully not as deep as it seemed and we ended up laying on the river bed, me on top of him, up to our chests and soaked through as the water broke around us, rushing past as if we weren't there at all. An unstoppable force of nature.

After a moment, when the shock of the cold subsided, we laughed. Like we hadn't in what felt like a lifetime, we laughed until our bellies ached and our legs were too weak to lift us back up. And we felt free.

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