phreakedupdee

[phreakedupdee]

I. Am. So. Fucking. Majorly. Head over heels. In love <3

'My' beautiful, wonderful, amazing humans ~ I wanna shout it from the rooftops and dance my shoes to pieces <3

I am goop <3

[phreakedupdee]

I realize that my earlier post is about sharing more, but then stuff happened and now my brain and my sketchbook is basically horny with a side dish of lustful and romantic and tender and sad longing.

I'm only ok some times, but I will, hopefully, be more times than not soon ... ish.

Wooooooooo ~~~~ (Unenthusiastic)

[phreakedupdee]

I haven't really been posting much. The last month+ have been an absolute rollercoaster.

I've met someone. I've realised so much about myself and the people around me. I've broken free and taken steps and have finally begun cracking out of the chrysalis.

The world is beautiful and it's worth life. I'm glowing and flying and dancin' and singin' and I can't focus on anything but love and the steps I need to take to finally crack this shell.

I've also realised what I've done wrong re. posting. I may be an artist, but I'm not only an artist. That's not the only thing going on in my life! Quite the contrary XD

I wanna share the beauty and worry and grey and good and wonderful I experience in this world <3

[phreakedupdee]

For more in the series and the story behind these:

#art #by me #red landscape #artists on tumblr #horror art

[phreakedupdee]

Back during HF (prerequisite school thing for Uni), during particularly difficult to focus on classes, I started making these red landscapes. It was about 2011-13. Recently, while having some downtime at work, I've come back to them.

This is from a few days ago (7/7-23) and made with fineliners and a cheap red marker on "layout paper".

More examples and experiments, the old drawings and musings about the process below the fold.

It started out as a productive way of slowly letting time pass. Doing something monotonous but creative, which would take a long time to finish. All I had was the note-paper and whatever was in my pencil case (Which to be fair, was well stocked).

These two are from back then, probably a couple of days apart, probably took a few days each. I don't remember. The left one, the one with the "waterfall" was my first attempt. The one on the right was the third, after a bit of experimenting on what worked and didn't. The second attempt of experiments are further down.

I've removed the holes from the paper digitally, just for transparency (lol)

Recently, I've had a lot of wait time at work. InDesign is bloated and slow, my computer is quite a bit lacking in RAM and the books we are working with atm is quite heavy. So, I've had some time while waiting for files to export, books to package and documents to open. This has resulted in some experimenting.

The top-left one was the second made after getting back into the flow of the process. The first one is not much different, so not included. I hadn't seen the originals for years, so there are some very obvious differences, but the elements are there. The top-right one was made more as an experiment: what if I make ruler-lines to space out the clouds. I like the effect. More geometric, but it does take away from the original, ominous feeling.

After the experiment (see also the bottom right drawing in the following picture.) I dug out the old drawings and referenced them, as you can see on the bottom right post-it (which is still WIP). The bottom left one is abandoned.

It's both a meditative and obsessive process. Most of the drawings (All those shown here) are made without a sketch. I prefer to just jump into it, slowly building up the layers of mist and rock formations.

The biggest problem is that I get absolutely swallowed up by the process. When I've started, I have a very hard time stopping again. It gets into my brain and continuing working on it becomes all I can think about.

I have to take breaks and I have to aggressively force myself to do so, as the tiny little lines in these does a number on my wrist and forearm. And I'd like to keep those for as long as possible. I have to physically remove myself from my desk, as I have proven myself able and willing to work through the pain.

So I'm taking a break between drawings so I can maybe focus on something else. Like making this post lol

Thank you for reading <3 I very much appreciate it.

#art #artists on tumblr #ominous art #red landscape #horror art #by me #contrasting art

[phreakedupdee]

How do you tag your visual art?

Also, please let me know if you've changed username and what that did to your art-tagging or even thoughts on this

I'm also very curious how people differentiate between their IRL self and their online self VS their IRL art and their online art. Is there a difference and does that difference impact their tagging?

Have you had people IRL (family probably, mostly) question the username-tag? Have you been wondering if you don't use your real name your art won't be attributed to you, but to this "online alter-ego"? Are you internet-savvy enough to be worried about your actual name being out there?

Am I overthinking all of this?

If you're any other kind of artist (Writer, musician, gamedev, etc.), I'd LOVE to hear if you have any thoughts in the comments.

#art #artists on tumblr #polls

[phreakedupdee]

This nearly made me cry. Both because I needed to hear this but also because I'm still not at a place to actually fully process it.

I've done a lot of work on not being scared of "people finding out I'm autistic" these last couple of years, to being fairy indifferent to going to the complete other end and actually starting to embrace and then even celebrate it.

I think I'm still in the camp of "I don't care if they know I'm autistic, but since they don't >actually< know what that means, it's still Danger if I'm acting "weird" or have a meltdown." And, TBH, I think that's one of the deeper, personal, implications of taking people who naturally mask very well and marking them as "Asperger's" as a sort of "Socially allowed version of autism" (Without going into all the other absolute bullshit that term comes with)

Thank you for putting this into words and sharing <3 I'm sorry, I know this wasn't about autism but this hit me like a fucking truck.

Speaking of therapy, I say, as though we're old friends, and you're not a stranger trapped in this metaphorical elevator with me and you can hear the suspension wires starting to fray.

I've been doing a lot of work recently that's focused on imposter syndrome and the feeling that no matter how well or how much I do, I'm not good enough. That I'm somehow tricking everyone into thinking my work is actually good.

Some days it's a minor niggle in my head that I can gentle and soothe with logic and affirmations. Or smother, depending on the mood. Other times it's loud and all-consuming and the mental anguish it causes me is so real I can feel it twitching in my muscles. This desperate fight-or-flight instinct with nowhere to go and nothing to fight but myself.

Anyway, because I'm several types of Mentally Unwell™, I was switching between workshop sheets ahead of next week. Filling in different forms. (Trying to get a good grade in therapy) And I got my "recognize your harmful ADHD coping mechanisms" worksheet mixed in with the "you're not actually lying to people, you just feel like you are because your brain is full of weasels" worksheet, and seeing them side by side made something go topsy turvy in my head, and I just had to sit and breathe for a couple of minutes until the urge to scream passed. Because it clicked, it all suddenly clicked.

The reason the imposter syndrome workshops and therapy sessions aren't sticking was because I do routinely trick people into thinking I'm someone I'm not.

Because I'm masking my ADHD for their convenience.

I've always known there was something wrong with me. My neurotypical peers made it abundantly clear I didn't fit in or was failing in some way I couldn't see nor remedy, no matter how hard I tried.

So I compressed myself into a workaholic box of hyper-competence in the hopes they'd stop noticing the flaws and exploit like me instead. And then subsequently lived with the daily fear that if they looked too close, they'd realize I'm a monumental fuck up with enough personal baggage to block the Suez Canal.

If you ever need someone to burn themselves to ashes for your comfort and convenience, I'm your gal.

Or I used to. Until I had a bit of a breakdown, and the rubber band holding my brain together snapped and pinged off into the stratosphere, never to be seen again.

Unfortunately, the trauma of living like that didn't also fuck off and instead left a gaping maw where my personality ought to be, so now I get to deal with that aftermath.

And it's that aftermath that's affecting the imposter syndrome shit. Because yes, I am hyper-competent and good at what I do-- but it doesn't feel real because that is how I mask.

And the truly frustrating thing is I am good at what I do. I am not pretending. I worked hard to be good at this. It just feels like I'm dicking around because 90% of my personality turns out to be trauma masquerading as humor in a trenchcoat, and having people genuinely like something weird I'm doing is so foreign my brain has decided it's just another form of masking.

I'm pretending to be a good author so people will think I'm a good author, and my brain thinks we are in Danger of being found out. We are in Danger, and writing is Dangerous because then people will know I'm Weird and not whatever palatable version I've presented myself as for their NT sensibilities.

Like the neurotic vampire with a raging praise kink wasn't an obvious giveaway.

Anyway. I got nothing else. Thanks for listening.

I'm going to go be very normal in another room and not stare into the abyss of my own soul for a bit.

#mental health #imposter syndrome

[phreakedupdee]

I've just made a comment on a 0-comment-post-from-2015 about someone looking for a specific song. Because I may know the song. Now I'm just sitting here, waiting for something to happen.

The comment is still awaiting approval.

The post is from 2015, but the blog is still being updated (the newest post from yesterday). I hope the question asker (Was about to write questgiver lol) got their answer much earlier and didn't have to wait 8 years for it.

[phreakedupdee]

A pet peeve I have is when people say they lie when in reality what they said was something they believed to be true in the moment but now know is not.

That's not a lie. That's just being wrong.

#thoughts

[phreakedupdee]

Also, hellvetica is an actual font (a joke one, created with horrific kerning. I love it SO much and wouldn't wish it on anyone).

Borial? (Boring arial? Maybe too contrived and hard to parse?)

Times New Boring is very good, though, and as a someone who works with typography (and is super tired of seeing people default to arial, myriad and/or helvetica because zzZZZzz) and enjoy humor based on wrong categorisation, I find it gives an extra layer of funny

I made the mistake of looking up the Advance Wars remake.

Look at this font! This is the perfect example of Times New Boring. WHY DO REMAKERS LOVE DOING THIS? ugh. I am biased, of course, but I hate seeing this. 

#the reasons they are used are used is most likely time restraints and ease of default #font choices are from my experience not given a lot of priority when stuff have to move fast #if it works it works let's ship it #and streamlining. Don't forget that everything has to look 'clean'

[phreakedupdee]

I love the -idea- of the puzzle piece: we all fit somewhere in the bigger picture/great problemsolvers/I just love puzzles lol.

I was so pissed when I learned of the real intent behind it.

Also: I kinda really wanted a puzzle piece tattoo (because the last reason) but now it just feels icky ... :<

ngl I thought the puzzle piece as an autistic symbol meant like. I am a vital puzzle piece to your society. humans would never have invented half the things they did without us. you're telling me it means I'm missing something?? buddy. listen. listen to me reeeeaal closely. no human has all the pieces to humanity. no one. no one has all the features enables no one has all the strengths weaknesses or quirks. no one has a whole puzzle. we make the freaking complete picture together. that's the freaking point.

[phreakedupdee]

How I sometimes experience meltdown.

Been pondering creating a series of images showing how different experiences feel for me. I have a sketch from (I think?) 2017 showing how I experience migraines and a watercolour painting showing burnout.

I had to park the car and go for a walk yesterday on my way home from work as this /points up/ started creeping up on me. I've not been in a good place for a little while and this just doesn't help.

But I've been working kinda obsessively on this one since I came home at around 6 pm. I have not slept for 30 and a half hours. Which probably doesn't help either.

I'm really sorry, but I have no idea where to start with the image description.

#gore cw #blood cw #body horror #meltdown #horror #distress #self harm cw #How it can feel to be me #Let me know if i have done anything wrong with the tags and I'll correct #seriously i'm fckn terrified that this is gonna show up for someone who DOES NOT NEED IT

[phreakedupdee]

Sketch in coloured pencil, coloured in alcohol markers, lined in brush pen and highlighted in posca.

Note: Alcohol marker will smudge coloured pencil, but a whole lot less than it will smudge ballpoint pen.

Pose reference by @adorkastock

#artists on tumblr #art nouveau inspired #traditional art #marker art

[phreakedupdee]

I don't think I would actually mind as much if it wasn't because I work in children's lit at my day job. As if I need to sanitize my entire being.

Listen, I like drawing stuff for children (That's not part of my job, though. My art is not within the publisher's style). There is so much incredible imagination at play and such wonderful scenes and it can be SO cozy!

But, the entirety of my teen years were spent drawing gore and porn. It's how I practised drawing. My comfort subject (apart from eyes lol) is sexy women being hawt ffs!

I just ... I really don't know how to navigate that.

Anyway, rebrand done. I'spose.

I should rebrand this blog to something that is not connected to my previous professional endeavours. It's what I did on Tiktok and it really helped me to shed the mask and just be myself.

Cringe, horney, stupid and not worry too much.

But I'm worried I won't be able to document that my drawings are actually mine because I have a need to tag them as I have always done.

But does it really matter that much? I already don't tag them as "Mindabble" ...

Maybe I should just make a new sideblog for my drawings and let that be that. But I also don't wanna spam more versions of the same thing.

How do people decide who to tag their art as?

How do people manage their main and side blogs?

[phreakedupdee]

I should rebrand this blog to something that is not connected to my previous professional endeavours. It's what I did on Tiktok and it really helped me to shed the mask and just be myself.

Cringe, horney, stupid and not worry too much.

But I'm worried I won't be able to document that my drawings are actually mine because I have a need to tag them as I have always done.

But does it really matter that much? I already don't tag them as "Mindabble" ...

Maybe I should just make a new sideblog for my drawings and let that be that. But I also don't wanna spam more versions of the same thing.

How do people decide who to tag their art as?

How do people manage their main and side blogs?

#thoughts

[phreakedupdee]

I get we're all busy, deadlines looming over and chop-chop-this-should-have-been-finished-yesterday but jfc PLEASE apply your fckn paragraph- and character styles properly so there is an actual CHANCE anyone (including yourself) can make changes to the document and know what tf is going on in the 5000 different types you have going on, keeping SOMEWHAT of a consistency!!

Also, stop with the 5000 different types, please!! We're making children's educational books!! They are supposed to be easy to read and understand! The styles are there for hierachy and to group types of information together!

#rant #i think i'm in meltdown territory fuck

[phreakedupdee]

I should really be doing laundry. But I can't stop. They so cute T-T

#wip #sketch #heather mason #ashley graham #re4 #sh3 #girls need friends who can relate #wondering if i should have switched their outfits #or if rose should have been there as well