nothingspecial3

[nothingspecial3]

#lovesick #fml #poem? #phobia #journal #sad

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10/14/16

I’m sick, very stressed but very happy. I have 7 annotations due tomorrow and it is 2:43 in the morning and I’m just starting but I don’t care because I care about my friends more. I had a really good talk with my roommate and we got a lot off our chests. I really appreciate her and our conversations. I talked with Alex and I miss her like crazy. I was with Alexis today and I really value her as a new friend and I’m glad she trusts me with her feelings. I chatted with Nikki and I saw Ben earlier. I love how Cait comes in real quick and tells about her night and then goes back out the door. I feel very emotional in a good way. I can not remember the last time I felt this much or felt this present.   

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Right Now

Summer’s suppose to be the time where people can catch a breath. The weathers nice, and everyone seems to enjoy themselves. Except me. I am exhausted and I can not wait for summer to be over. I have spread myself too thin this summer. I am working two job and helping out when I can with a third job. On top of that I am signed up for two summer classes that I don’t even know if I am passing. 

I don’t know if I’m just working too much but I feel like I am not even here. I am doing the actions but my mind is off somewhere else. Not only that but I feel like every time I stop for a second everything makes me cry. I look at kids playing, I cry, I watch the Olympics, I cry. My emotions are the size of a teaspoon. I have no motivation to do any school work and I might have so much anxiety about it that I’m not even doing anything. I just need to take a time for myself.     

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4/24/16

I feel like something’s wrong with me

I have always loved the way I think and who I am

But will I still love who I am if it is because of ADD

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New Years 2016

This year for New Years I did not have to babysit! I miss Nate but it was nice not to be working. Anyway this New Years was very interesting. I went to my friend Colin’s house with Bromiley and Nikki. Bromiley and I already decided to go and get drunk and possibly spend the night sleeping in her car. Nikki wasn’t originally going to come out because her blood count was low but she went to the hospital earlier and she had just enough of a count that she was able to come out. So Bromiley came over and we went down to my cousins for a little and met up with Alessandra and Caroline. Dom was there but we didn’t do anything. He’s still really cute. Ugh. Anyway after that we left to go pick Nikki up. On the way to get Nikki I remember telling Brom that I saw this thing that said, “it’s either you never loved that, or you never stopped.” I felt like that related a lot about me and David because after everything he did to me, I still found apart of me love him. So before we went in we had a half full container of cranberry juice and we poured a bunch of vodka and malibu in it. Bromiley and Nikki had like 1/4 of the container and I had the rest...I got pretty wasted. When we first got there it was just a lot of running around. We kinda made our spot the ”coat room,” or laundry room. At midnight it was kinda a blurr. Bromiley gave me a peck on the lips at midnight as a joke with her boyfriend (first girl kiss even if it wasn’t serious). This kid Craig kissed me really quick later on..he was seeing how many people he could kiss. I don’t really remember much but we ended up back in the laundry room. David was in there with me and Bromiley. He was writing stuff with sharpie on people. On me he put “you use to date me.” I was pretty upset that he wrote that and told him that I was never embarassed by him or our relationship. He was taken aback and me and him went into the study and talked. We sat down all serious at first and I said lets make it a game, we ask each other questions and if you don’t want to answer you drink. The game didn’t last that long until we just talked and talked and talked. He talked about how he is still mad with himself about what happened on Prom night last year. I’m over it, that’s how I can talk to him. I was getting pretty annoyed that he kept brining it up. I’ve accepted that it happened but I’m just not comfortable talking about it. We talked about how we misunderstood each others actions. He didn’t realize all the mean things I did was to protect him from myself. Or the things that he didn’t know I did with him in mind like buy him that mini elephant statue in Rhode Island. We talked about the situation with him kissing Donna, and about his new girlfriend. He talked about how there was this time period that all he did was try and hate me (he was mad that I said that we maybe would get back together and didn’t talk to him for a year). That was the same time I had Pippa and he saw her. He told me that he still wanted to hate me during that time but when he saw me taking care of her, he had a hard time still hating me. I remember crying twice that night. The first time was when I told him that he was my first love and how apart of me will always love him. The second time was when I told him I never regret dating him and how my biggest regret was not being able to care for Pippa. We talked from like 1- 6 am, with many interruptions. We are now friends. I just hope he doesn’t start to like me again. I don’t think I can go backwards, I have to keep moving forward. He texted me tonight and wrote, “Dude I tried so hard to talk to you then,” I didn’t answer for a few hours. He then added, “Like now haha.” This sounds conceded but I hope he doesn’t get feelings and dumps his current girlfriend to try and get back with me.        

#new year #2016 #journal #first love #deep #drank

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Fast-forward

Summer came and went. Fall came and now its almost December. Nothing to exciting happened in the summer. The surgery was successful and I have made almost a full recovery (still have a lot of strength work). I pretty much worked all summer, everyday in the motel office. I did like spending time with family everyday. It was my favorite to work with my cousin Stephen. It’s weird how one day i’ll look back on those memories and they will be some of my favorites. 

Started sophomore year of college. So nuts I’m half way done this year. I decided after much thought I’m majoring in a BA in biology, minoring in art and possible human development. And I know that is quite a mix, but it matches my personality. I seriously can not get enough of art it’s so great. Besides my classes being hard, I have loved this semester. I figured out a plan for my major and I absolutely love my roommate. We pretty much do everything together and we don’t get sick of each other....well most of the time we don’t get sick of each other. We just get each other. 

Okay here are the interesting things that have happened:

I tried Molly for the first time at this years toga party. I have to say that was probably one of the best feelings in my life....good thing I don’t have an addicted personality because I would be a slave to that drug. It just an amazing feeling. You were so so happy and your body was like tingling. I get excited just when I think of it. 

Over the summer I started to talk to Trevor. Right you guys remember him...shed boy...first kid I gave a hand job to? Yeah that Trevor. So funny how things come full circle. We would hook up all summer, but I wouldn’t put him in the “friends with benefits” list. I think because we actually were friends and not just in it physical. So it is currently Thanksgiving break. I saw Trevor the night I came back and he talked about this girl he has a huge huge crush on. Which is completely okay because for the most part I am not the jealous type. Just makes me think what would it be like if we were in a relationship or how it would all work out. We have the chemistry and we do get along but probably not enough to date. Anyway we just hooked up tonight and guess where...the good old shed. Sophomore year of high school then and sophomore year of college now. I guess somethings don’t change. So i’ll leave it as FULL CIRCLE.   

#full circle #throwback #sophomore

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Time Moves Fast

Haven’t wrote in so long.  I guess I have quite a lot to catch up on. 

Well if anyone is wondering the puppy is doing good! I love him so much he’s such a sweetie except when he’s hyper, then he’s the devil. 

Can’t believe it’s the end of my first year of college. The last few weeks were so stressful. I didn’t realize how much packing I had to do and how much school work. I hope that I get better at time management because that can never happen again. On one of my final days I slept for only like 3 hours. So crazy. And while studying for finals I had to pack and move all of my crap to a storage unit which took like 5 trips. I then had to drive 9 hours straight to go drop my friend off in SC and then pick my dad up. That was such a long trip, oh and I got a ticket from a cop for going 86 in a 70. That cop should of let me off with a warning since it was my first time being pulled over but he decided to be a dick. Finally got back home safe but exhausted from that week.   

So now it’s the end of June and I’m finally scheduled for surgery (took long enough). So last year in April I tripped and fell into my cutting board, the corner of it hit my wrist bone and I didn’t realize how bad it was till the fall. By then I was already down at school and had to wait till winter break for someone to look at it. They thought it was tendentious and made me wear a brace for like 2 months. That didn’t help and then they realized I tore a piece of cartilage in my wrist. I was gonna get surgery from that doctor but then I had to switch to a different doctor. Which I’m so glad because my doctor now is so great and smart. So now I’m going to get surgery for a tfcc repair and fix an ulna impact syndrome, so exciting isn’t it? I’m just happy I’m getting this over with. The only downer is that I’m gonna be in a long arm cast for 6 weeks. I don’t know how I’m gonna do anything. 

And lastly, nothing too knew with boys. Haven’t really hooked up with anyone. I hooked up with this kid Seth before I left school and let’s just say that will never happen again. And since I’ve been home I just hooked up with Chris. We said we would be friends with benefits but then he backed out because he doesn’t have a back bone. I don’t know why I like him. 

Don’t know if I have to report anything else. I think everything is good right now.  

#tfcc #journal #surgery #school

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2 Months

There’s two months until the end of the semester and I have to do so much. I go to a pet friendly college and I ended up getting a dog. This weekend I have to move to a pet friendly dorm and that’s going to be a lot of work. Bleh, oh well. I’m kinda happy to get away from my current roommate. But here’s my new baby Gio! I am so in love with him! 

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Time Heals

If you looked at my last post I had sex with two guys in about a month span from each other. Mixed in between were my other friends with benefits. I do really like them. They are all sweet, nice, great personalities, not to mention good looking. Even though this has been fun I think I'm ready for a boyfriend again. I like sex but I want someone. Someone who's also sweet and nice, but that I enjoy being with and sharing parts of my life with them. I'm ready boyfriend even that means breaking my heart again. 

#ready #friends with benifits #diary

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New Guys

Had sex with my friend Dane in the woods. He's a cancer (zodiac signs) and I'm a Sagittarius so didn't work out. Not saying it didn't work but we just don't connect and you can defiantly feel it. Then I met this kid named Evan. Super funny and nice guy, he's a Gemini (works out.) Super good in bed but sadly I think it was a one night stand. Too bad, I wanted to get to know him more. So the count is up to six people. My ex (Sag), Dom (Pieces), Lawrence (Virgo), Josh (Libra), Dane (Cancer), and Evan (Gemini).    

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Wow

Didn't realized it's been so long since I posted something! I skipped Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years (which I usually always have something to say), my trip to Hawaii and coming back to college to finish my last semester of freshman year! So to catch up again, Thanksgiving was good this year, got to spend it with my Aunt Cindy and my Aunt Diane because my mom has been getting along with everyone surprisingly. Earlier that day though I went down on the beach to watch my cousins ocean kayak and of course I found a duck passed out on the beach. I tried to help it but it died on me. I have a feeling when I grow up, no matter what job I have I will end up having an animal sanctuary. They always come to me out of the blue. So after Thanksgiving I flew back to college and then two weeks later I flew back home for break. Christmas was fun, best thing I got was a go pro which I am in love with. It takes such good videos and pictures for being so tiny. After Christmas was New Years. I babysat till 11 then went over to my friend Colin's who was having a huge house party. Didn't get a midnight kiss but when I was leaving to go to my cousins got a kiss from my friend Justin. Pretty funny, we hugged each other and he were like "I love you so much lets go make out in the bush" and I thought he was joking so while we were hugging we shuffled over by the bushes and he kissed me. To make it even more romantic there was a dead mouse laying under the bushes hahah. I then went to my cousins to hangout with them and hooked up with Dom in the bathroom. Can't believe it's been three years we've been hooking up. After New Years my parents and one of my best friend's Lauren took a cruise around the Hawaiian islands which was absolutely beautiful.  We went on a submarine, zip-lining, horseback riding, snorkeling (super cool, saw an eel) and went to a luau. While zip-lining, I had a good fall and scrapped up my leg. Now I'm gonna have a good scar, which I kinda like. Came back from Hawaii and after a few weeks came back to college. I have to say it was a lot hard leaving home this time than when I first left.             

On a different note, earlier this year I switched my major from marine bio to environmental, now after my two classes in environmental, I don't know if I want to do it anymore. I was thinking about pre-med but thats a lot of work. So right now I'm clueless about what I wanna do for the rest of my life, but I feel like a lot of people, even adults, are in my shoes right now.  

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Catch Up

Nothing super exciting these past few weekends. There have been a few big parties that were fun but nothing to report except boys being boys. This senior named Jon is all over me and tries to touch me every chance he gets, which is super annoying. At one of the parties he dumbed a bucket of water one me, and at another party he was asking all of our friends if I was sleeping with this kid Nick. Nick is a different story, his girlfriend just broke up with him and he is a mess. Apparently he likes me but I'm not interested, he is a little too emotional for me and I don't want any baggage (ha usually guys say that). Oh and two weeks ago, I was hanging out with this kid name Ter, and we went to go look for our friends. We found Josh and our other friend James and when we met another group and started to talk to them, Ter started to make out with me behind Josh's back. I didn't care but I felt bad it was right behind Josh's back, I know were not anything but we can at least respect each other. And yup that is what has been happening in my life.  Trying to stay positive and happy but just found out my dog might have bone cancer so I'm a little sad inside. 

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2:14 AM

It's 2:14 in the morning and I'm dumb and waited till last second to do my homework. Josh slept over and while I'm typing he is curled up soundly sleeping. It is taking all of my will not to curl up with him right now and forget about my homework. 

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Toga Weekend!

So it was Friday afternoon and some of my friends (Ben, Josh, and Daira) and I just got done our intro to environmental class. When we got out of the classroom, the boys asked what I was gonna do and they invited me to watch them get tased. Apparently Ben's girlfriend got her hands on a pink taser and they wanted to test it out. Before the tasing happened, we played some ping pong and took a walk around the wood. We then went back to Ben's room where we watched this boy Sammy get tased (he obviously agreed to his), he said it didn't hurt that bad, the noise was just the scary part. We all then went to dinner and afterwards me and Josh took a walk around the beach to watch a storm, no one else wanted to come. Josh is a very cute freshman, he is taller with short dark hair and has a very athletic body. We sat on one of the hammocks and chatted about nature, and missing home (we are both from the same state.) It started to rain so me and him ran back to his dorm. We sat around and talked some more and ended up making out and having sex. I'm sorry but I am blanking out right now and can't remember what I did after that. All I know is later that night I saw Lawrence. I was really nervous to see him because I didn't know how he was going to react about Josh even though we said we were causal. He was completely fine with it which was a total relief and we had sex too (technically it was the next day). I guess it's kind of sluty sleeping with two guys in a day but who cares, shit happens. Actually this isn't the first time it happened, I guess history does repeat itself.

(From both Josh and Lawrence...how thoughtful they are.)

The next night was toga night. I was super excited. Toga is a big party wherever you go, but I feel like it's different having the party in Florida. Probably because the weather is so warm that we can have parties outside and everyone can come out and have fun. Anyway we got cheap fabric from Walmart, wrapped it around our bodies and were ready to party. Before going to the party my friend Jen and I went to this kids Jon's place, where we pre-gamed with him and some other girls. We then met up with another group of people and went to the party. It was so much fun, everyone was dancing and enjoying themselves. I was really drunk and was running all over the place saying hi to people. I ran into Josh a few times and made out with him then end up running away to somewhere else. Jen kinda babysat me, but I wasn't that bad. After the party I ended up running back into Josh and took care of him, as I was doing this I thought I was very sober. When I was done with that I went back to my dorm where the alcohol hit me again and I ended up puking at 5 am. At least I didn't wake up with a hangover.

The next day I had so much homework and Josh and I went to the library to study. We then met at a place to eat called the pub and played some pool. Afterwards we went back to his place and hooked up again. All in all it was a fun weekend with a lot of unexpected twists. I kinda thought I had the two guys, Lawrence and Trevor and that was it. But I guess I have somewhat three now. Although Trevor has been pissing me off lately. He treats me more like an object then a person. I don't know what I'm gonna do about him, but it doesn't matter right now. I'm just happily going with the flow.     

#toga #friends with benifits #college

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1st Weekend of College

This was the first week of classes. Loved all of them and my professors, except I did make some freshman mistakes. For example got my times mixed up and was 20 minutes late to my one class, and on the same day I sat in a class for a few minutes, realized it wasn't my class and awkwardly left. Two good things happened because of that though, reason #1: I only have once class on Thursday, reason #2: I saw Lawrence after I left the class. So I didn't know where to go after I sat in the wrong class so I went and sat at my favorite spot on campus. I sat their and watched the fish make the water come alive and the birds silently strike the water for a snack. It was breath taking. While I was staring out on the water I hear someone call my name and turned to see Lawrence riding a bike. We started chatting and I told him that he still hasn't shown me the woods, which he promised to do. We then took a walk through the woods and he showed me different parts like a tree house area and the tree of life. He was  getting over a cold so it was nice not to do anything. On Friday I managed to meet up with him again. Our friends were watching a movie and we saw each other their. We then left them and went on a walk and laid in a hammock together for a while. It was a nice night. On saturday night I met up with my other friends, Kelly, Anna, and a guy name Jon who keeps hitting on me. That night we went to a dorm called Nu (where Lawrence lives), there was suppose to be a party but it was quiet there for a while so we left and went to Omega. There I saw Lawrence and me and him escaped Jon who was supper hands-y and left for Nu. We hangout there for a while and then somehow we got separated and Jon dragged me to another dorm called Kappa. I stayed for like 10 minutes and went back to Nu. I then spent the rest of the night with Lawrence and he walked me back to my dorm and 3 am. I love that Lawrence doesn't hide anything like how I had to hide things with Dom and Trevor.  So it's Sunday night and I'm sitting talking on the phone with my friend when I get a snapchat. It's from Trevor. You remember him, the kid that I would go sneak out to see. Well it's him. He told me how he broke up with his girlfriend and we just started talking about the past. About the things we use to do and the secrets we use to share. I think me and him will see each other when we are both home and in town. It's interesting how the universe pulls you in different places. 

#what the hell

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Had fun with Lawrence the other night. We went for a walk around campus and laid on the dock and made out. We then hooked up back at my dorm and we decided to stay casual with each other. Although he did leave me this….