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Hospital Thoughts
To the person who used to know all my secrets, I still wish you the best. I still hope you can find someone to enjoy a wedding day with, and someone who likes the same college/ NFL team as you so you can raise your children in a unified household. I still hope you land your dream role and I still think your mother is a saint. I hope you're happy wherever you are and I hope that you've gotten everything you've ever wanted. And I hope you found someone who was a better fit for you and the direction your life was going than I was. Whether it was a girl, a fight, or just plain old growing apart, I am sorry if you still harbor any ill will towards me. I have none for you, and I am sorry for whatever it is that causes you to still hold any towards me. We grew together, and then we grew apart, it happens, it's sad, but it's a part of life. You helped me continue on in the race, but you were never intended to help me across the finish line. I'm not mad, I don't blame you, I just get a little sad when I'm full of nostalgia and can't reach out to you and say, "Remember that time when..." Everyone we meet is either supposed to serve as a lifelong bond or a lesson, and you were the latter. The lesson could have been a good one, or it could have been a heartbreaking one, but either way, thank you. There is nobody else I would want to be a lesson than someone I created as many memories with. You are a lesson that I'll never forget, just like our memories will be ones that I tell my children one day. You haven't been erased just because you're no longer in my life. Thank you for the valuable advice you gave me, for the time you spent with me, and for helping me discover who I was as a person. I'm sorry that the people we became weren't compatible but I'm not sorry about the journey that brought us to this conclusion. My mom still asks about you, because despite the possibility that we might have gotten in a fight, I never told her the details. I didn't want to taint you in her eyes in the event that we find our way back to each other down the road. The door will always be open, you have seen me ugly laugh, and been there with me when I ugly cry, we have been through things that there is no going back from, and this is an undeniable fact that means you will always be welcome back into my life. Hope youāre doing well bruh.
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āIām ready to stumble into somethingĀ new.ā Part 5
So, there you have it, itās been a ride so far. We made our move and departed out of Columbia, SC on July 15th, 2017. Sadly I had to say goodbye to Baxter for a while as I left him with my mother until I could afford to stand on my own two feet. We made our arrival and officially moved in on July 20th. I guess Iām telling you all of this to show the sacrifices Iāve made to follow this dream. Iāve endured things not a regular twenty four year old man in our common day society has. The journey has made me strong and given me a backbone of steel. In the past two decades Iāve performed twenty eight shows, a commercial, a music video, three book readings and nine films. I refuse to settle and merely accept what Iāve been given. Iām hungry for more. I desire more opportunities. But thatās not what this post is. This post is me realizing that Iām ready to open up and welcome the future.Ā
Iāve learned about more of who I am as a man and as a human being. Truth is iām petrified to take this chance. A promising future, what a thought? All I truly want is to push forward in order to pursue my passion, the same passion that has taken me here. One with a beautiful family, a beautiful home, a wondrous career in the classroom bestowing hope and happiness into students through theatre. So that one day I may in fact provide for a family. My dream? To be able to do it all. I want to pursue my dream as an actor, be husband of the year and an amazing father to my children for my remaining time on this earth. I canāt imagine it now, but who knows what lies ahead.
Rewind back to this very moment. August 15th, 2017. Itās 11:05am, West coast time. A two-bedroom apartment in Santa Clarita, CA with three guys. Iām in the living room, no private areas to sulk in fear of failure. Or to constantly be reminded of all of my friends and family whom I've left behind. Iāve just acquired a Commercial Agent at Coast to Coast Talent Group. I have a meeting with Tom Young at CAA, one of the largest talent agencies out there. I remember telling Jonathan in conversation: āWe have to, we donāt have a choice anymore.ā We have no idea what lies around the corner. My job is to continuously grow and press on until my path has been paved out in front of me.Ā
Iām giving myself a year to decide whether or not I should return back to one of my favorite towns. Pursue my MFA in Theatre? Become a professor? At this moment, I donāt see a path, so my friends and I will pave it ourselves.
Regardless Iām excited to see the very nature of whatās ahead. So, Iāll press on. Iām ready to stumble into something new.
Thank you.
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āWho would choose such aĀ life?ā Part 4
Iām afraid I was getting ahead of myself on that last post, you see I find it difficult to keep certain secrets sometimes, especially ones that are mine to tell. I just wanted to unload this giant dumpster of shit on you all at once. No matter, back to it than.Ā
The next morning arrived and I was awakened with a firm bitch slap of reality to the face. My girl had woken up, leaned upward on the bed, looked at me when I turned over and she said. āI think you should move out.ā Hold on, pause, there are a few details Iām leaving out here, such as the one instant that happened two weeks beforehand. Iād returned home to Columbia to see a buddy of mine. After talking about it all night it was clear what I had to do. I ventured back to Rock hill to confront my girl and prepare for the future ending of our relationship earlier than intended.Ā To make the choice because we both knew my mind was made up. I attempted to end it and break it off, but she insisted on otherwise. She said no, and that she wanted to stay together until the time came, or at least until she was set up with another.Ā
Back to that morning. About 25% of me was shaken but the other 75% thought it was a joke, because of everything that had happened these past two weeks, the dates, the laughs, not to mention spring break, so I laughed. She wasnāt laughing and she looked uneasy. As if she was fighting to get the words out as well. She got up, was distant for a bit, then continued the conversation. āI think it would be best if you moved out.ā I started breathing a little differently. I didnāt know why, I wouldāve been ready for something like this. I shouldāve been ready for something like this. I needed to just shake her hand and say, āItās about time.ā And start packing right then and there, but I couldnāt do either one of those things. Instead I cried. My face turned red, I was embarrassed, confused, and realized I had to give this up because it was clear she already had. Thinking back on it now, I think apart of me had given it up already as well. However, the aftermath was ridiculous and all fingers would point towards me for the blame. Sheād go off and tell her family and friends I was the cheater, saying I was making travel plans with other women, when in reality, I had nothing, nobody else, just Baxter.
Ā I apologize for continuously jumping in and out of the story, now back to that exact moment. My girl hugged me and held me for a bit, then I said with mucus and sadness in my eyes, āI want to move out right now then. Because Iām not sleeping here again tonight.ā She was startled by how quick I flipped the switch in my brain. She knew that if I moved out, weād break up. So throughout the day weād spend it moving out all the while weād cry, talk, kiss a little, and then get back to moving. At one point, we were both so okay with what was happening, she ordered a pizza, we both sat on her bed with our laptops and changed our relationship statuses to single. It was pretty crazy. I had to call out of work that night to make sure I got everything out of her room. My ex had to be at work at 5 pm, she helped me carry my bed and bed frame back over to my apartment across the street and left the key under the mat just as she always had. My ex told me to have everything out and leave the key there. It was weird, saying goodbye to that apartment, it wasnāt much but weād built a great thing there and we made the most of it. Little did I know, next time Iād stop by, her replacement would already be there.
I was hurt, heartbroken, and a bit humiliated. I called my exās brother that night I found out about my replacement, I walked back to my place, announcing the discovery I had just made. I called Jonathan that very night as well at about three in the morning, I was a mess just bawling and screaming into the night. Later I would realize It was fuel for the fire to move to LA and I knew at that point, that the choice would be clear. Iād move back home, save up some money, and move to California with Jonathan. I would leave it all behind. To this day my ex remains in a relationship with my replacement, or so Iām told because I still have her blocked on all forms of communication/ social media. I made a choice, to pursue acting like nobody had before. To make the necessary sacrifices in order to change and prosper. But, who would choose such a life?
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āThis was my fate, my fight, and I wouldnāt rest until I achieved myĀ dreamā Part 3
I completed the role of JD in Heathers: The Musical that November shortly after Halloween. I had performed to the best of my ability, though the cast agreed that the piece was not a five star performance overall. December rolled around, I then graduated with a BA in Theatre Performance and a minor in Communications. That was also when I told Jonathan, āI want to go to LA.ā At that moment, I knew that the gravity of this decision would change my life forever. We continued discussing plans of driving out there together and sharing his car until I got my own wheels out there. I was terrified in every shape of the word. What about my girl? My dog? My little family that we had pieced back together after all of the shit we had just gone through? I went and spent a large portion of winter break with my girl and her family. A family that was already hesitant about having me back in their lives. I was overcome with guilt restraint and began doubting the choice I had promised to Jonathan. I saw the happiness that this family felt as I carried in their Christmas tree into the house and began decorating with them. Tears would come to my eyes and Iād continuously change my mind over and over for the few months to come. January would come around and I would apply for a serving job at Texas Roadhouse in Rock hill in order to pay my bills. All the while, my girl had worked with a guy at Chiliās in Rock Hill, named Ryan.
Now Ryan was young, he was nineteen but also a somewhat established filmmaker and casting director for the small film company Studio GREYBLUE at the time. A film company notorious for winning the majority of the film festivals in the Carolinas and nearby states. Back in late October 2016, I was in the midst of Heathers dress rehearsals. Ryan asked my girl if I could swing by to film a piece because the original actor had bailed on them. She would then tell me to get over there, Iād gather my things and head over. I met the crew hesitantly, but put my abilities to the test. After they submitted the film, Studio GREYBLUE ended up winning the Greensboro 48-hour horror film festival. Ryan saw this victory was because of my ability as an actor and invited me to stay with them for the next following months for six more short films.Ā
Now Iād be leaving a respectable short film company, my family, my pup and my girl. It was a lot to give up but I was elated by the opportunities. I knew that this was only a stepping stone. The gigs would help me prepare for the future and how it would be working in front of the camera. Once the end of January rolled around I was back in the mindset of moving to LA and pursuing my dream. Iād make the sacrifice because I wouldnāt want to blame myself later on for not trying my best to go for it. Then Valentineās day happened. The middle of February, I had planned on showing my girl an amazing holiday and making it all about her. When I heard she was coming home, I turned off all the lights, lit a couple candles and brought out her gift. I cried and said I wanted to make things work between she and I. āYou better buckle up because this is gonna be a wild ride.ā I took her in my arms, held her and we both cried. That night we left for dinner in Charlotte, NC at our usual fancy outing. We talked more of the future, and how I was on the fence once again. āWhat have I done?ā I asked myself during dinner. āShe thinks Iām staying, and I have to go. I HAVE TO.āĀ
Every other day Jonathan and I would continue working out (lifting weights, walking, running) Weād talk about my girl, LA, plans, his ex-girlfriend, and what I knew deep down needed to happen. I was back in the mindset each time after working out with Jonathan and my girl could see that. She grew to resent Jonathan for his ācontrolā over me. There was no control, we were two buddies that shared a mutual dream and understanding of the necessary steps needed in order to achieve that dream. I knew my girl had another year of school before she could go anywhere.Ā
After Valentineās day, everything went downhill. We grew more distant, we rarely touched each other the way we used to. March came by storm as my girl began hanging out more and more with a different guy from work, not Ryan, this was a different co-worker from Chilis. Sheād even go out and having drinks with this guy who she had introduced to me as her āfriendā and nothing more. I knew the guyās game, he was on the hunt and he knew I wasnāt going to stick around much longer. Her spring break was coming up and I had told her weād have one last hoorah. We stayed up all night and drove down to my beach condo in St. Augustine, Florida. We enjoyed each moment together and we honestly tried to make the most of it. However, when each of us left the room weād text/snapchat other people. Weād come to a mutual understanding that this was dying. As my dream became stronger, my desire to continue the relationship began to diminish.
The week after we got back from Spring break, sheād said āIām going to be up late at the library studying tonight. Should be back around three or four. Donāt wait up for me.ā I nodded as my gullible and feeble mind could not comprehend the thought of her seeing or wanting anyone else. When she came home that night I was half asleep, when she layed down and faced the other way. I tried to hug her but she pushed me awayā¦ It was at that moment I realized something was up. I felt as though I was turning into the French guy she had cheated on while she was out with me back in the states. Sheād found another replacement. All the while I remembered what Jonathan and I had discussed. Everything happens for a purpose. I remembered the big picture before I fell asleep. What is it you want most in this life? To become someone that would go down in the books. This was my fate, my fight, and I wouldnāt rest until I achieved my dream.
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āIt would be a huge step, one that would stay with meĀ forever.ā Part 2
Looking back at my story so far, I found that I was constantly looking for the next best thing. Whether it was career moves, job opportunities, women, and roles in performances. I would not recommend this mindset for anyone. I had auditioned for Heathers: The Musical at the end of the 2016 spring semester. My voice was rough but my acting took the cake. I committed to this dark twisted character that had the ability to woo the opposite sex. I had achieved what Iād wanted, the role, a new apartment, my girlfriend back, and a new job as a barista at a local bakery/ coffee shop. It was a much simpler time, one that I would quickly take advantage of and take for granted, again. Sadly, this story is not one for the faint of heart, so if you do wish to click that big red āXā in the corner of your screen I will not be offended... No? Okay, well as Samuel L Jackson says, āHold onto your butts.āĀ
Now then, I returned back to Rock Hill, SC once summer had ended that August. My mindset had to be ready in order to prepare for the new year. I suddenly endured a series of sharp shots of passive aggressiveness from my two new roommates. Both which liked to keep to themselves, and I mean keep everything to themselves. Including their own silverware and dishes. The insanity of consistently using a dish, washing it, and then hiding it away in your room astounded me. Iām getting off track, anyway we would make small talk in passing, but sometimes not even that. Regardless, that was just a little prick in the road of the trouble ahead. Letās start with a simple Monday in the life of Gaston King in 2016.
Wake up at 7:30 am, walk and feed Baxter. Go back to the bed with Baxter and your girl, sleep 30 more minutes. Wake up and walk her to her car. Shower, eat, get dressed and make it to your 9:30 am class. Sit in there and try not to fall asleep or doodle to waste time. You get out around 10:45 am, longboard across campus to make it to your 11:00 am class. It was the musical theatre workshop class which consisted of the cast of Heathers rehearsing. One which also contained three women that I had messed around with/talked to the semester prior to our return.The tension was high at times. Rehearse music, scene work, blocking, etc. You get out around 12:15 pm, meet up with your girl for lunch, run back to the apartment to feed and take Baxter out and be back for your 2 pm class. Go to class, take part in the lessons the best you could without losing focus. Continue on to important lab courses and you wouldnāt end the day until about 6 pm. You get a text from Jonathan wanting to workout, You return home feed and take Baxter out, stuff your face with some snacks, and then change in order to be ready to go to the gym. Jonathan would swing by to pick you up at 6:30 pm. Go work out for an hour or two, take a walk/run. Then return home, best case 9:30 pm. Take care of Baxter again, shower, eat something for dinner, invite your girl over and watch Netflix until about 1 am and do it all over again the next day.
This routine grew terribly tiresome. I felt as though stress was consistently eating away at my soul, little by little. Each time I worked out with Jonathan the same conversation of the future lingered over our heads. Weād ask ourselves, āWhat are we doing?ā or āWhy donāt we stop bull shitting?ā This went on for the many months that followed, until December of 2016. Jonathan had decided that he was going to go for it. He was going to make the big move to LA. He would stay with his old friend from Elon University, Tyler, and reconnect to his old social circle and give him a leg up. I saw as he approached this vast groundbreaking choice like a champ. He was one who saw fear and chose to spit in its face. I saw a choice and a way of pursuing my dream as well. This was my shot. It would be a huge step, one that would stay with me forever. Is this really the right thing to do though?
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āI guess this is my origins storyā Part 1
Never in the history of stories has one ever started off perfect or began without any difficult decision making. Starting from the beginning, I was born in Jacksonville, Florida on August 12th, 1993. I first encountered theatre when my music teacher Miss Turner used performing as a punishment. I was talking too much in the first grade so she told me, āIf you like talking so much you won't mind singing a solo in the concert next week.ā I was a bit surprised because Iād never done anything like that before, and I was only seven years old.Ā
Long story short, I fell in love with that feeling of warmth and nervousness. A feeling that gripped the inside of my stomach that night I performed in my first performance. I continued performing each summer in elementary school with Miss Turner in her theatrical summer camp called āPASS: Performing Arts Summer Schoolā. All the while my parents had divorced the following year and I felt as though theatre was the only thing in my life that made sense. After I completed the sixth grade at PK Yonge, my mother decided we should move from Florida to South Carolina in order to be closer to our family. My mother, my brother, my dog Chase and I all ended up making the move to Columbia, SC. I continued my passion of acting and performing by following theatre all throughout middle school and high school. Letās fast forward now to September 21st, of 2015. This was the year that I had found to be the most difficult, but I would later find out it was also one of self discovery. That fall, I had found a great friend in one of my college classmates at Winthrop University, Jonathan, a recent Winthrop graduate who was working as a theatre teacher for kids in Charlotte, North Carolina. He lived just fifteen minutes away from my place. I was living in this almost worn-down house designed for a family of four, with an occupancy of seven guys living in it.
My girlfriend and I had been together for more than two years weād discussed a certain arrangement to have an open relationship while she went and studied abroad to āmasterā the language in France. My buddy Jonathan and I would hang out once or twice a week telling tall tales of art, theatre, and always questioning the what-ifs of our hopes and dreams. We were curious of what it was we were meant to be. I sought out the chance to become someone or something worth talking about for the many years to come. It was a long list of accomplishments that weād compare and we wouldnāt rest until we reached them. Then it happened, I had gotten cast in the Winthrop University production of Slaughter City that following January of 2016. It was then that I met a girl, a very special cast member who truly changed my perspective on women forever. So, in April, I approached the situation with my girl friend poorly and the consequences were messy and un-ended. I broke it off with her and it felt catastrophic.
Thankfully Jonathan stopped by on his way to work to reassure me the breakup was for the best. The following summer was one of transformation and understanding. I had talked the talk of change and pursuing my dreams, now it was time to walk the walk. Jonathan and I hit the gym daily if not twice a day until my lease ended and I returned home for the summer. I had ended things between my cast mate and I because she had to move back north for the summer. However, my ex and I still continued to talk. It turned out that she had found someone else as well. I was disgusted, but I knew it was well deserved. The next few months were full of work, gym time, and self-recollection. I had begun working as a host at a fine dining establishment in downtown Columbia. Jonathan would even make the drive to Columbia sometimes and continue working out with me. All the while, I suffered on the inside. It was an unhealthy healing process that made me want to crumble each time I talked to my ex.Ā
Once June rolled around, my ex had returned from France and wanted to see me. I had her mini-fridge in my trunk, she had lent it to me the year prior to her departure. I agreed to meet and met her at Falls Park in Greenville South Carolina. A poetic place that I first ventured to with her when we lived together with her family for the summer of 2014. I parked the car keeping the fridge inside and sat in the greenest part of the park waiting on a bench. I remember thinking, āGod this is stupid, why did I come?ā. I shouldāve just dropped it off and left, then I turned to the staircase and there she was. She came down the stairs, she had on her sunglasses, but she was crying through them. She hugged me and continued to cry. You know where this is going. That night we sat, talked, confessed, and ended up back together. Needless to say, she broke up with her French boyfriend the next day and got back with me.Ā
I felt overjoyed at the time and on top of the world, but my dreams were still a huge part of who I was and I still wished to follow them. I had to walk and balance myself on a path: Iād gotten cast as the lead in my last musical at Winthrop University, I had a job as a barista, I had my girlfriend back, I had a good friend, I had a beautiful dog, and then I had my dream. Can you guess what happened? Youāll find out. I guess this is my origins story. We only live this life once, stay tuned to see how I chose to spend it.
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