mercifulsouls

[mercifulsouls]

one day i'll be your equal. right now i stick out like a sore thumb. lanky, awkward, and scrawny, like i'm rotting away, but one day i'll be loved like you are. i won't have to fight to be seen. to desperately keep the things that are dear to me. you won't be able to take anything else from me.

#it is 4 am

[mercifulsouls]

reblog if your name isn't Amanda.

2,121,566 people are not Amanda and counting!

We’ll find you Amanda.

[mercifulsouls]

I wish we could have more late night chats. You're so smart it's insane. You're like the twin sister I always wanted

#god i love my friends

[mercifulsouls]

who here is still fingering things out

[mercifulsouls]

listening to mitski in a transgender way

#i dont blame you if you want to #bury me in your memory #im not the girl i ought to be

[mercifulsouls]

Why is it that bullies never think that they're bullies? That it's all in good fun? That you have to accommodate their every beck and call, but they can go out of their way to make you feel like shit?

[mercifulsouls]

i skipped class today. i slept instead.

i dreamed that it was halloween, and i was at a halloween party in my high school. i had to borrow a costume-- a witch costume, like my costume from the second grade, although this one was simply a hat, a broom, and a simple black dress that was far too short and far too tight, with a bigger chest to match. did you know that you can feel dysphoric in dreams?

there was a small bird that was dying, but before i could get someone to help us help the bird, my parents came to pick me up. i turned around, looking back at my friends, but they were all leaving. none of them could drive me back to my dorm. i had no choice but to get in my parents car.

i could feel my parents eyes on me in that dress. my father's stare.

when i opened the car door, the inside was filled with snow. i brushed the snow off my seat, not letting the cold bother me, and started sobbing. i had no friends left, i was forced to live with my parents, and there was nothing left in my future for me. that's when i woke up.

i don't think i'll be skipping class again.

#dreams #diary #worst fears #vent post

[mercifulsouls]

even if you dont value yourself, the people around you do. make that doctor's appointment youve been procrastinating. drink more water. take out your garbage.

#advice ill never listen to #but ill try

[mercifulsouls]

i long for the day when i am considered your equal. it may not happen in this lifetime, or the next, but one day it will. and when it does, i have to ask, were you happy? were you proud? did everything you put me through give you a laugh, or perhaps you forgot that it happened in the first place? i wont. i wont forget.

#vent post

[mercifulsouls]

If gender is a performance, then I'm tree number 3

[mercifulsouls]

we sat in the mall food court, the girls leaving to go shopping and the guys getting a bite to eat. it was there that i realized, for the first time in my life, that i didn't leave with the girls. i'm finally one of the guys

#transmasc

[mercifulsouls]

everything is so different than it used to be. im no longer that 13 year old girl, looking forward to going home and playing her older brother's game on her computer. i don't stay up late wondering when my life will begin. but i look up, and it's still the same moon. that girl is still somewhere deep within, resting. i hope she can heal.

[mercifulsouls]

every day i find myself growing more and more insane but maybe that's just because i don't need to dull myself down to survive anymore

#living alone

[mercifulsouls]

there's nothing like the small town queer community. you go to the grocery store and you see the transfem who you've known since you were a baby. you go to school and see more and more of your friends realize that they're not cishet. you get called a slur on the walk home. there's the homeless woman who you always talk about voice training with, since she's done such good work on hers, and her wife who you can always have a bit of a laugh with. there's the kid with a genderfluid sticker on the bottom of their skateboard that you keep an eye on to make sure no one is bothering them. there's your cousin, who you haven't spoken to in years because his parents disowned him, but you still keep up with each other on facebook. you all stick together. watch out for each other. most of your friends can't come out for their own safety, so you're open about who you are to show that there's hope for the future. you're queer to the point where your identity is unshakeable because if you're not gonna be in everyone's face, to be the only queer person a straight person knows or to be a role model for a middle schooler figuring themselves out, who will?

#i love the city but its so isolating #everyone is gay but no one talks about it #i miss the community. #still trying to find one here

[mercifulsouls]

every time i think about the past i think about how fucked up it was. you'd get upset with me for working when it was for your benefit, for not spending every hour of every day together, for talking to you about what i believe is right. youd guilt me into not bringing up problems, and even now i still feel like the bad guy. why is it only now that i realize it? i may not have been perfect, but you act like i fucked up so badly to the point where you can't even be friends with me. im taking back my youth and my love

#rambles #womp womp

[mercifulsouls]

i wish i could go a day without wondering if i can be loved despite not being cis. my worst fear isn't getting rejected, it's not being man enough to even be an option in the first place

[mercifulsouls]

my father gave me a lot of things. insecurities and mental problems, mostly

#daddy issues #sigh