lovelibbyxoxo

[lovelibbyxoxo]

I miss having besties. I miss sharing my life with friends. I don't have very good luck with making actual friends. I was mistreated and used in past friendships. What I thought was love, wasn't. I crossed oceans for people who wouldn't even jump a puddle for me. I gave everything I had, sacrificed my body, health, money, and sanity for people who couldn't even be there for me when my Dad was dying. Or after my Mom was murdered, even. I guess I miss something I never really had. I love the friends I have now, there just aren't that many. I miss the childhood best friends. Talking on the phone, texting, writing, giving an actual fuck about someone else... I don't know. Just feeling really lonely and in my own head.

[lovelibbyxoxo]

High, I'm hello!

It can be so hard being a quiet person in a loud house. I can't help being who I am, and I know they can't either. I don't begrudge anyone. It's only frustrating because my memory is such shit, by the time there's a pause, I've forgotten what I was gonna say. Sometimes the conversation moves so fast, I can't keep up, so I just stay quiet.

I feel like I've spent so much of my life silent. My thoughts roar in my head, yet nothing but a purr escapes my lips. I exist mostly in my mind. It's like being caged. So much going on, so many possibilities, but nothing ever breaches the bars. I'm a creative person, but I can't create. I had to give up on all of my hopes, dreams, interests, and hobbies years ago. There's only so many times a person can be let down. That's a story for another day.

Anyways, enough rambling.

I had a wonderful dream this morning. I woke up with the sound of my Mom's laughter in my mind, and her smile, face scrunched up, head thrown back, full belly laugh happiness. I miss her so much. I was really looking forward to our next relationship shift... I was getting older, and we were connecting on different, deeper, levels. I'll never get that chance now.

My grandmother, who's 94, has now outlived two husbands, two living children, 6 miscarriages, countless pets, and the majority of her older family. I'm devastated, but I can't even begin to image her pain. I'm thankful she's forgetful. I hope she still has some happy moments. Although, when it happens to me, the realization breaks my heart all over again.

Oof...I brought myself down. On a positive note, I was sick for a week or so, but I'm finally feeling better! I was able to eat normally yesterday, which was awesome because I lost my appetite and didn't eat for a day or two. So I have that going for me, which is nice. I think I'm going to go for now and try to join the conversation again. Wish me luck, lol!

Love, Libby XOXO

#shhh #mental health #grieving #memories

[lovelibbyxoxo]

Today has been rough. I've been having nightmares for months, and it's really starting to weigh on me. I wake up throughout the night, desperate to escape them, only to fall right back into another one. I don't remember the context, but the emotions and feelings linger long after. I wake up almost every morning exhausted and drained before my day even begins. Sometimes I wake up crying...

To add to that, I had completely forgotten I had agreed to have a therapy session with an intern because she needed it for a grade. I was looking forward to it, but today was just not the day.

I'd tossed and turned all night, woken up from a nightmare 4 times, including the last one which got me out of bed, feeling terrified, hopeless, helpless, and just so damn sad. My heart was racing, anxiety on full alert, but I had no energy. I shuffled to the living room and sat on the couch, content to just be a lump until I felt human again. At least I wasn't alone. My fiance and roommate were in here with me. I was safe.

I was settled in, body, heart, and soul, prepared for our break, when my phone notified me I had 30 minutes until my Therapy appointment...

Well fuck me.

So I had to drag myself to the bathroom to try and look presentable, then set up the Zoom and wait. The intern was very nice, but I had to go through everything with my Mom's murder all over again. It was very emotional and took what little energy I had away. I'm glad I talked to her, she was very sweet and kind, and it's in no way saying anything bad about her. Therapy usually leaves me feeling a little lighter. My fiance pointed out that every time I have a session, I end up telling him that today was a good day. And it's true. It just hit me harder that I thought it would having to dredging it all up and reliving everything. I didn't have the emotional, mental, or physical capacity due to sleep deprivation. I had been hopeful, and lost.

The session ended. I smiled, waved, and thanked her and my therapist both. My smile and the connection ended at the same time. I feel hollow. Empty. A shell of a person. I know I'll be okay, eventually. I just hate feeling so numb. It'll take a bit to recoup. It would be faster if I could sleep, but I do the best with what I have.

Usually, I can smile through it. I know my negative vibes weigh down the mood of everyone else, so I do my best to smile through it all. "Me? Oh, no, I'm fine. Thank you for asking though!" I know I don't have to do this with my closest people, but I still do. I've done it for years so it's just like breathing to me. I've been treated as a burden for so long, I can't even be totally honest with those that actually care.

I'm working on it. I'm working on a lot of things, actually. Hence this collection of sorts. It might be a slow start, but once I'm able to get a computer, I'll be able to really get going. Thank you for following this nobody and listening to my stories. May you all be blessed.

Love, Libby XOXO

[lovelibbyxoxo]

Memories come to me, unbidden, in the middle of the night. I struggle to sleep. My mind wrestles with a multitude of what if's. I try to keep myself distracted. Your brain can't think about two things at once, after all. Or so says my therapist.

I've used this coping mechanism for years. From the original Nintendo and cartridge games to PS4/XBOX One. I used to love playing on my computer, but it's long since died. A recurring theme in my life. I very much believe in gaming as a useful tool. Games have gotten me through some rough shit.

I've become reliant on two games on my phone recently. Now, this is a judgement free zone, so no laughing. Legend of the Phoenix and RuPaul's Drag Race. They're actually fun! Anyways, this isn't an advertisement for them, I just wanted to acknowledge them as my coping tools.

When my mind riots, I turn to them to distract me. Well, those or NoSleep on Reddit. I love horror. Movies, books, short stories, I love it all. I'm a Goth girl deep at heart. Give me all things dark and spooky!

I'll be updating this sporadically. I only have my phone to use, and I'm really not a fan of texting. I know, I'm weird, I prefer to talk on the phone than text. My fiance has a laptop, but the flat keyboards just feel so wrong. We also have a wireless keyboard, but again, it's flat. Bleh.

I'm hurting tonight. My body feels bruised, but my spirits are high. I voted today. Let's go blue! Remember to vote! It's so important. Something's gotta give. Something has to change...

That's all for now. Take care of yourself out there.

Love, Libby XOXO

[lovelibbyxoxo]

Hello, friends, strangers, stalkers, void, whomever is reading these words, and welcome to my page. What you're about to read will be a collection of memories and stories from my life, past and present.

Here is your warning; These are not all sunshine and rainbows. I will be honest in telling my truth, and unfortunately life is not always great. I will be addressing many tough things, including, but not limited to, abuse in many forms, including sexual, suicidal thoughts and ideology, depression, anxiety, cancer, murder, grief, politics, religion, sexuality, and I'm sure many more. I will do my best to tag or mark them in some way, but at least you know what you're in for now.

Alright! Now that's done, if you're still with me, I thought I'd do a short introduction to get started.

My name is Libby, and I'm 37 years old. I'm engaged, with a teenage step-son. I live with my fiance, our son, and our roommate, C. (I'm not sure if she wants me to use her name or not yet.)

I'm chronically ill and live with chronic pain, likewise for my entire household. I have multiple illnesses that no one else in my family has. Winner of the generic lottery right here! I'll get more into that later.

I grew up in the middle of nowhere, in the bible belt. Let's just say I'm not a fan of organized religion. I don't begrudge anyone for their beliefs, with limits such as racism, sexism, homophobia, etc. There ARE some things we can't disagree on and remain friends. I have boundaries.

I share a small Yorkie with my fiance, and we live with my roommates dog as well. I have another dog, but when I moved here, the friend I was counting on to help me make my last trip, which would include my dog, bailed and ghosted me. My dog is old, and I worry about her constantly. I've made attempts since, but I lack the money. She's too old to fly, so she'd have to be driven, and it's a long way...

I'm a recent orphan. My Dad passed from cancer in 2013, and my Mom was murdered this May. I'm not supposed to get into detail about that yet, the trial is ongoing. We'll see. I might post more about it sometime.

So, I'm engaged, right? Well, I'm also going through a divorce. I married young, a few months after my Dad passed... I was so tired of feeling so numb, so I tried to choose love. It didn't last. Anyways, we've been separated since Feb. of 2017, so no worries. I'll get into why we stayed married so long later. Short version; Insurance.

I'm bisexual, and proud. I have many friends and family who are part of the LBGTQ+ community, and I am absolutely an ally.

I'm into games, music, nature, singing, definitely 420 friendly.

I didn't intend for this to be so long, so I'm going to wrap it up for now. G'nite.

Love, Libby XOXO

#first post #introduction #warning #journal