leaflingsystem

[leaflingsystem]

also, ive had several people comment on my posts saying:

Well I don't have DID or OSDD but I'm still a system!!

so sorry to inform you, but you aren't a system then

[leaflingsystem]

Also, I wanted to just state what life personally is like for me living with DID.

its not as fun as people on tik tok make it seem. I dont know when im not fronting. I dont know who is when I'm not. I dont know my alters names or what their "system roles" are.

I dont remember whether we made a post in this or not, but im redoing this with the same metaphor if we have. its a nice metaphor i think.

sometimes im there, sometimes im not. sometimes its like.... its like you're on a road trip. in a tight car with people who you know nothing about but feel like you have known your entire life.

its hard to talk to them. Sometimes the radio is on and you dont talk. sometimes the radio loses signal and the car grows noisy. but its white noise; indistinguishable from each individual that sits amongst you. Everyone sounds like you but at the same time they dont. its like listening to a song thats just barely familiar but youve never heard before. with everything thats said its like you can almost, just barely, hear what's being said. its intelligible at best but you just *know* whats being said. its like a mutual understanding between you and yourself.

when the road gets bumpy, and your head grows heavy, you try not to fall asleep while driving. The signs grow blurry. Your eyes start closing. Its getting hard to look on ahead. The voices grow loud again. so loud that it drowns out the noises of the tires on gravel. The engine becomes muffles. and everything just stops. And just as suddenly as it all happens, you're in the passenger seat.

did you fall asleep at the wheel? did you crash while you were out? are you okay now?

you try to speak but you cant hear your own voice over the radio. you try to look around but its like you cant yake your eyes off the road. you're not the one driving, your hands arent the ones on the wheel, so how is the car still going??

you cant move. you cant move at all and it hurts so bad but at the same time its entirely painless. its like an internal pressure being applied to the outside of your skin. your head hurts just trying ti wrap itself around the situation. you try to tlak you try to move but you really just cant. the car is driving smoothly. the bumps in the road are gone. you feel scared and relieved at the same time; terrified that you have no control but glad that you weren't the one to navigate through the rocky terrain.

the minutes tick. the hours stall on by. you wonder if you're suck in the passenger seat now. While you now trust the person driving, you wonder if you can see them. you wonder if they exist. you wonder.

wondering is existential.

suddenly you're panicking again.

it was all okay. what happened. you trusted the person who took your place but suddenly you want to turn in them. did you invite them into your car or were they there already?? youve forgotten everything that lead up to you being on that rocky road from before. you've forgotten how you got out of the driver's seat to begin with. you wrack your brain trying to remember. you want to rip your head open to remember. did you miss any exits while you were out? when was the last time you ate? how many days has it been since you did anything?? have you even left the care since then?? is the car okay?? you want to just turn your head, turn around and look at your surroundings but you cant. you cant move you can hardly even breathe.

before you know it you're back in the drivers seat. youre in a full fledged panic because you dont remember. at this point you dont even remember panicking. did you ever even leave the drivers seat?? did anything prior even happen at all?? how much did you imagine and how much is real?? what even just happened??

its like an out of body experience. its like being there and being gone at the same time. its dissociation after depersonalization. you question who you are if you dont remember what you've done. its snapping back into reality without knowing you spaced out to begin with.

Dissociation is dangerous. Unfortunately, I've gotten into a lot of shit via dissociation. ive crashed my car before and not even known i was driving. ive ran red lights. ive cut people off. ive lost all sense of direction before. i just completely dissociate and i dont remember. its always sporadically. i never have control over it. ive turned to certain drugs in hopes it will help me focus. anything to just stop dissociating. anything at all. im scared one day this dissociation followed by near entire amnesia will cure itself

that type of mental stability is not one id wish on anyone. i dont know why you all want it so bad

#actuallytraumagenic #system #traumagenic

[leaflingsystem]

i still exist and i still believe you need trauma to have DID or OSDD 👍 i have a lot of asks asking me if ive "changed my mind" or "left because i realized i was wrong"??

answer is: i just have better things to do than argue with 13 year olds who cant see the difference between online roleplay and a crippling tramagenic disorder ehich splits your brain into parts.

i dont like arguing. i came here to state my research, and now that ive done that, im done with the account. I have a job. I have bills to pay. I have pets to care for and things to do. I'm not going to revolve my life around tumblr unfortunately, so sorry to anyone who genuinely was interested in my content. Glad to see people still positively interacting with my posts! /gen

[leaflingsystem]

So, you're gonna fakeclaim a bunch of traumagenic systems for using a label to explain their system before uncovering the amnesia trauma barriers? Idk, sounds like a load of ableist bullshit to me.

fakeclaiming would be going up to someone and directly saying to them, "hey! you're faking it!"

what im doing is saying, "hey if you dont have trauma you cant have a disorder caused by trauma"

if you take what im saying and think, "what that person is saying invalidates me!"

thats on you

[leaflingsystem]

Hello. I've seen you talk about how traumagenic and endogenic systems(which I think you said you don't believe exist) shouldn't have to share safe spaces. I honestly don't know enough to have a real opinion on the topic, but do tulpas count as endogenic systems? Google told me endogenic systems are systems not made from trauma, which, to my understanding, tulpas aren't. Do you believe tulpas don't exist?

coming back from the dead to answer a couple old asks i never got to.

tulpas dont exist

[leaflingsystem]

Hey everyone, it's a rest area for your dash!

There's healing items, jars to break, mini shops, even a save point! Just a nice, safe area

___[ + ]___(_)(_)(_)___[$][!]___||S||___[=o]

[leaflingsystem]

Hey everyone, it's a rest area for your dash!

There's healing items, jars to break, mini shops, even a save point! Just a nice, safe area

___[ + ]___(_)(_)(_)___[$][!]___||S||___[=o]

[leaflingsystem]

youre nb but you call yourself a bitch (bitch is a FEMALE dog btw) why???

i am on the FLOOR

[leaflingsystem]

reminder to everyone that you need trauma to be a system. it's okay if you don't remember the trauma/don't think it was bad enough/you're figuring shit out, but you need trauma to be a system. this is not a safe space for "endogenics".

[leaflingsystem]

[leaflingsystem]

hi could i ask how exactly does one accidentally set a lemon on fire??

Microwave for 40 minutes 😔

[leaflingsystem]

hold on a fucking second. delaware is a state?? i thought it was a river? or is the river more important than the state? why don't i know this? (i should mention i don't like in america, i'm just confused)

there is delaware (state) and delaware (river) 

both are equally strange

the state is a tiny little cryptid thing

the rive is a monster that spans new york, pennsylvania, new jersey and delaware. also washington crossed it once and that was like kinda a big deal i guess. like crossing the rubicon in rome.

the state tries to me more important with its “im the first state!!!” bs (seriously its even on the fucking license plates) but we all know. its the river.

[leaflingsystem]

Sorry for inactivity! Our host has not fronted for a while and I (who has been fronting in faer place) doesn't know enough about DID to post to this type of blog! ^_^;; -Bea

[leaflingsystem]

what dumbass looked at a trauma disorder and went "but what if i took OUT the trauma"

[leaflingsystem]

[leaflingsystem]

came back online to 100 notifs and panicked bc i thought some discourse was happenings but no... thnk u fellas so much for following !!

[leaflingsystem]

good to see you tag posts as traumascum bc thats what you are 🧚🏻‍♀️✨ never have i ever seen a sysmed so self aware 😍 you know ur trash and you know it 😍😍😍😍 stop invalidating systems🧚🏻‍♀️✨

EXCUSE ME ???? OSNDAKDNS THIS IS SO FUNNY

prime example of what not to do when someone gives you medical proof that you're full of shit. How can I invalidate your system if it scientifically can't exist ??

#traumascum #sysmed #syscourse #endosystem #endogenic