kyluvsyi3w2

[kyluvsyi3w2]

Today you’re 27 and I,

I’m trying to remind myself that it’s a happy day.

It’s a day I gave you gifts.

It’s a day we went to a swim meet.

It’s a day we went to dinner and all seemed right with the world.

You swam in a relay and were standing on the other end of the pool with me before I knew it.

Your dad came to watch.

The next day was normal too.

Until you didn’t come.

Until you didn’t answer my calls.

You were always so prompt.

It was unlike you not to follow through.

And the next day you weren’t at school.

And I was confused.

I was worried and at a loss.

And then you text me.

Told me you had to go away for awhile.

But when I asked where you told me you couldn’t say.

I’m not sure what the day after brought.

But the longer you were gone,

And the longer I was kept in the dark,

The more I worried,

The more I felt like a zombie walking around school.

Without you I felt like nothing.

Without you I felt like there was no purpose.

Frankly you were my everything.

I’m sorry for building my life around you.

I’m sorry for making you my home.

I’m sorry for holding on.

I’m sorry for letting you back in all those times.

Not to her,

Not to you,

But to myself.

I’m sorry you hurt so much.

I’m sorry that you felt like you couldn’t share your hurt with anyone.

Not even me.

The girl you built your own life around.

I hope you built a life you like.

I hope you’re proud of yourself.

I hope you’re happy.

Not just on your birthday.

Not just on the anniversary.

But always.

Maybe it’s wrong to wish you happiness.

I know some of my friends don’t.

Maybe it’s wrong to remember.

I couldn’t stop even if I tried.

Once upon a time we were each other’s everything.

But you were right.

That was a long long time ago.

It’s been years.

And it will be years.

I hope the years bring peace.

I hope the years bring happiness.

I hope the years bring non-toxic people.

I wouldn’t trade my experience with you for the world.

But you haven’t been my world in a very very long time.

I think I have to keep reminding myself of that.

On many days, but this week especially.

I have to give myself grace.

I have to allow myself to grieve.

The scariness of the situation.

The thing that changed me forever.

To grieve the loss of you.

And the fact that you chose her over me.

I have to grieve your absence and promises you couldn’t keep.

I have to grieve for the girl I used to be.

For that’s a death too.

Just like the loss of you.

I have to grieve the time I spent.

Telling myself I was done grieving.

I have to allow myself the space,

And the grace to grieve it all.

To unwind myself from your web.

To untangle myself from the toxicity and the care.

To let go of what other people told me I should do.

To separate my memories from my desires.

To remind myself that I can be my own everything.

And however long it takes.

However much it hurts.

I have to do it.

For me, and me alone.

For I deserve to see in the mirror the girl you saw in me.

#personal #the love of my life #the first cut is the deepest

[kyluvsyi3w2]

I'm a big fan of adults being vulnerable enough to learn how to talk to others with respect. It takes a lot of courage and awareness to put your defensiveness aside to have a healthy conversation.

[kyluvsyi3w2]

Can Polar Bears even survive long term in this warm of weather?

“Sweet Dreams”

Martin Gregus captured a once in a lifetime moment of a Polar Bear sleeping on a bed of fireweed.

Churchill, Manitoba, Canada

[kyluvsyi3w2]

[kyluvsyi3w2]

Don’t even say you’re sorry it’s fine.

Guess I’m not worth it, you’re a waste of time,

If I get my feelings hurt so easily maybe I shouldn’t even put myself out there.

Because the world is sexual,

And sexual people have needs,

And people try to be people pleasers,

But, I guess, they aren’t here to please me.

So put up and shut up.

Don’t let your guard down.

Pretend that you’re fine.

Shove it all down.

Your feelings,

Your desires,

Your wishes that will never come true.

I guess I should be grateful for you being honest.

But I wish you would’ve known before you roped me in,

Roped me in with your kindness,

Roped me in with your listening ear,

Roped me in,

Roped me in,

Into believing for a second that someone,

Someone could like me anyway.

I want to throw up.

And not just because I have a baby hang over,

But because I’m tired of this bullshit.

I’m tired of putting myself out there just to be sad.

Sad and disappointed.

I’d let it go if I could, but if no one got you either,

You’d feel the same as me.

I know it’s because of you it never even got to start.

Not because of who I am.

But it’s things like this that add on to my core belief that something’s wrong with me,

That I’m not enough,

That I’m not worthy of better treatment.

I want to scream,

I want to cry,

I want sleep because at least when I’m sleeping I’m free from my feelings.

To the God that isn’t out there please save me from this perpetual loop.

I’m over it,

I’m tired,

I’m done.

#personal #asexual #sad #dating problems #online dating sucks

[kyluvsyi3w2]

Other people’s kindness scares me. It scares me because I’m always thinking when is the other shoe gonna drop. I know it’s up there somewhere. That damn shoe is always up there. Well until it comes crashing down onto my head. And then I hold onto it until there’s an opportunity to throw it back up there. When someone is kind to me I think, “Is that really genuine?” “Do they mean that?” “Do they have an ulterior motive?” I find that most people aren’t genuine, most people don’t mean it, and most people do have an ulterior motive. So then in lies the real question… where have all the good people gone? Already taken no doubt. And I’m here left with only scraps to choose from. But then again if I constantly question other people’s kindness then I’m just annoying and untrusting. And I am both of those things. But do you blame me? I certainly don’t. From being bullied as a kid, to going in circles with the love of my life for nearly 10 years, to Mr. Maybe, to people I really cared about who picked someone else, and everything in-between how couldn’t I be jaded? My pessimism is a survival mechanism at this point. Do I want to be that terribly optimistic happy go lucky person ever again? No. But I’d like to be happier than this. Happier than typing out a long loaded question to someone who’s practically a stranger to me and worrying he won’t even answer. And not knowing how to deal with it when he does. I don’t know how to take the kindness because for so long all I’ve taken is bullshit. Bullshit that I allowed myself to believe had at least one ounce of kindness. And that that single ounce was enough. Enough to fill this person shaped void in my life. Spoiler, it wasn’t. So I’m trying to set my boundaries and hold steadfast. I’m trying to be true to myself, but also be open minded. I’m trying to wait for what I deserve. Not what I believe I deserve, but what logically I know I deserve. And maybe my heart will catch up. In the meantime I’ll try to hold back the tears, because someone is being nice to me, and keep going.

#personal #the love of my life #mr maybe #scared #trauma

[kyluvsyi3w2]

Fucking was the only thing that was ever consistent about you. While I really don’t want to be alone I don’t want to fuck you either. You’re not the answer. You’re not the answer. You’re not the fucking answer. Fucking was all it ever was to you. I’m worth more than that. I am more than that. If you cared you’ve let me in. If you cared you would’ve tried harder. Harder to keep it in your pants. Harder to respect my sexual orientation. People who care show up. Show up when there’s nothing in it for them. You were always looking out for you. And you alone. I’m not going to fool myself anymore that it was ever anything more than that. Maybe in the quiet moments. The moments of just you and I there were glimpses of vulnerability. Small peep holes into your world opened. But that’s simply not enough. There was some kindness, I’m not going to say there wasn’t. But again it wasn’t enough. I was there. I gave you everything I had. And yet all you did was take advantage of my loneliness. Take advantage of my love for you. To get what you want. And I gave in, I gave in because I thought eventually you’d love me. Eventually you’d let me in. But I’ll never win. That makes me sad, that makes me mad. That makes me feel like maybe there isn’t any good people left in this world. Or rather anyone out there for me. You’re all sorts of fucked up and none of that is my problem. But I would’ve taken all of your burdens if that meant I got to be with you. Got to be a mother to your daughter. Got to actually be IN your life. But no. No way in hell would you ever do that. Not for me, not for anyone. So you’ll die alone drowning in your oceans. The oceans of your emotions that you don’t allow yourself to show. The oceans filled with monsters of your past trying to pull you under. The oceans you choose to swim in alone. I’m not swimming out to save you because you’ll surely pull me under in your panic. Then we’ll both die because you refuse to go to swim lessons. I’m not about that. I’m not here for it. I’m not even going to sit on the sand and wait for you to get out of the water. Wait for you to notice I’m still around. I left for the sake of myself. You’re not worth getting sunburnt for after all. So fuck you. Fuck the fucking you cared so much about. I’m done. And if I have to keep reminding myself that for the rest of eternity I will.

#personal #mr maybe #asexual

[kyluvsyi3w2]

You don’t get to. You don’t get to treat me the way you do. It’s 2024 and I’m worth more than you’re quiet obsession. I’m not doing this again. I’m not doing this again just for you to make me angry. To argue with me just so you could talk to me. To say dumb ass shit, to the smart ass girl that I am. You called me to hear my voice yet the only way to get a word in edgewise is to talk over me? Please tell me how that make senses because the math ain’t mathing. Don’t try to be better just leave me alone. Please. For the love of God. Make a friend, get a hobby, anything. Anything that doesn’t involve trying to rope me back into your feelings you can’t figure out. Don’t ask me a question just to tell me I’m wrong. I’ve had that before. I’m not doing it again. Newsflash I’m not your therapist. I’m not supposed to solve your problems. Friends can be there for each other sure, but make it all go away (never). Fuck no one can do that! I liked you once upon a time but that was foolish. I’ve said all I need to say. I’m done. I’m really fucking done. And nothing you say will change my mind.

[kyluvsyi3w2]

I hold you. I hold you in my heart where it matters most. I hold you everyday; everyday and everywhere. You’re with me when I’m sobbing my eyes out. When I’m in a laughing fit. When I’m in someone else’s hug. Sometimes you’re in my thoughts. The thoughts they go and the memories they play. And I try to not get caught up in that minefield of a mind. The minefield of my memories. The minefield of reminders I pass by every day. Reminders of you are everywhere. Your words are with me. Your words of hurt. Your words of anger. Your words of love. You are gone. 2 years you’ve been gone. Leaving was the right thing to do. I know that’s the last thing 2 year ago me wanted to happen. But today me knows it needed to. If you ever come knocking on my door again I promise not to open it. Not for you, not for her, not for my friends, but for me. Me and my heart. I can’t endure losing you again. I can’t survive another goodbye. So I can’t have another hello. That breaks my heart, it really does. Maybe in the next life 17 year old me can hold on to 14 year old you and never have to let go. But until then, if it ever happens that is, I’ll hold you. Hold you in my heart where it matters most. For there you are safe. For there you are with me. For there you are loved.

#personal #the love of my life #goodbye #the first cut is the deepest

[kyluvsyi3w2]

Oops, the duck is gone 😄

[kyluvsyi3w2]

[kyluvsyi3w2]

You are not a bother. You are not a burden. You are not a waste of space. You are not annoying every person you talk to. Your existence matters. Your presence makes a good difference.

[kyluvsyi3w2]

[kyluvsyi3w2]

You said “I love you with all my heart.” That’s what’s getting to me the most. That’s what’s replaying in my head. You “love me” well how about you go love yourself? Love yourself enough to get the help you need. You never will. But the version of me you love with all your heart really really wishes you would. She’ll keep wishing and I’ll keep living in the ugly reality of all that you are.

#personal #cousin drama

[kyluvsyi3w2]

[kyluvsyi3w2]

i no longer respect the hustle i want universal basic income and dignity for everyone

[kyluvsyi3w2]