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keepingupwithmilo · 4 years

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My toxic ass ex (a good read)

OKAY.

this is a story right here, ya’ll.

Because of what I’ve been through growing up, my personal definition of love is distorted. This is probably why most of my relationships fail.

When I was 14, I was doing shit I was not supposed to (faking my age on dating sites *lol*). I stated that I was 18, when in reality, I was just a wee freshman in high school.

I ended up matching with a boy who looked NOTHING like the age on his account. Turns out, he was doing the exact same thing I was, lying about his age. He was only two years older than me, but said he was 19 *lmfaooo*

We both laughed about this, and ended up exchanging numbers. I had no idea what was coming tho.

Let’s call him R. R and I became close..instantly. We would go hours talking about anything and everything on my dads tiny phone that he got from Walmart. During this time, I would always go ghost because I was taking care of my dad who was terminally ill. He would always wonder what I was up to when I was gone, but I usually just gave him a BS excuse.

I was dating someone at this time, but I treated R as my friend and didn’t push our boundaries. He definitely liked me, but I made it clear that I was strictly friends with him (haha if you read my previous post)

Anyway, a few years later, he was headed to basic training, and I didn’t hear from him for a few months.

When he got out, he texted me out of the blue. We rekindled out friendship, and at the time, I was yet again, in another relationship. He respected that, and our friendship was the same as it was the first time we met.

When I broke up with the boy I was dating, I told R and he shot his shot

*shrugs* why the fuck not.

i was HEAD OVER HEEELS for this boy. yeah, we were long distant, but everything seemed to be working out..so I thought.

#relationship

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keepingupwithmilo · 4 years

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How I fumbled the bag...multiple times

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been so used to pushing people away. I absolutely hate having people care for me (i’ll explain that one day, but just hear me out). Whenever people try to get close to me, i’ll let them but i never warn them that one day *poof*, i’ll be gone. idk what it is, but anywho, as you can imagine, this has impacted my love life.

there have been guys interested in me. everything would be going well, then a little voice in my head tells me that i shouldn’t be experiencing happiness. depression? anxiety? check and check.

anyway, there’s one guy in particular that i can’t stop thinking about. i definitely f u m b l e d the bag with him, and there’s no returning from that. this was four years ago.

this boy was everything a girl could dream of. sweet, attentive, caring...and i was selfish.

i was a freshman in college. i met him in one of my classes. he asked me to save him a seat, and i gladly did that for him.

we got close after that. really close. he was my best friend. i would even skip one of my classes to play badminton with him.

at the time, i was in a relationship with my ex boyfriend. he treated me like absolute shit, and i dealt with it because i had no idea how to be alone. (i’ll make another post about him) i didn’t know how to be my own person. he cheated on me twice. ( I didn’t find this out until a year later, but I had suspicions). I knew I deserved better, but i tried to believe that everything was okay.

the boy from my class loved me. I knew he did after a while, but i wasn’t aware of it at first. at the time, i didn’t even love myself.

this boy showed me what it felt like to be cared for. when i mentioned my favorite candle to him, he placed it inside of a box and left it at my front door.

whenever i was going through something, he would always be there to listen.

we liked the same music, shared playlists with each other and would be on face time for most of the day. he even made a SONG about me. he made me feel happy. happier than I ever have been.

I was still in a relationship with my ex while getting close with L. Why? because i was a very fucked up individual. want to hear something even more fucked up?

i think i was having a guilt trip because I was still in a relationship. I tried not to exceed my boundaries with L, but sometimes it was just too hard. There was one incident when he came over to my neighborhood. He was going through a lot and needed someone to talk to. We went to a cut in the woods near my house, and talked while sitting on a bench. One thing led to another, and we ended up kissing. For once in my life, I felt as though I had a deep connection with someone. During the moments before our kiss, we were transparent with each other. I listened to him and I sympathized with his pain and vise versa.

there was this one guy that would workout at my gym. i fucked him. I got into a heated argument with my ex, and did something to almost retaliate in a way. I could have fucked L, but for some reason I couldn’t. It’s not that he wasn’t attractive, but I didn’t want to throw myself at him like that. He seemed sweet and fragile..idk. what i can tell you though, is that i am very fucked up for this. I regret making that decision to this day... L found out about this through one of his group chat.

he was devastated, that’s the only way I would feel too. he was beyond upset with me and I don’t blame him. I was upset with myself. i’ll come back to this story later, because it’s making me upset thinking about it.

here comes the wave of guilt, regret, and stupidity.

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09/09

Okay, I’m back ya’ll.

anywayyyys, where was I..

After that incident, L became somewhat distant. Our connection wasn’t the same (of course). I apologized to him and he accepted it (even though I knew he didn’t). He acted as if everything was fine. I couldn’t bear talking to him knowing that I hurt him badly.

i ended up transferring schools and barely spoke to him after that.

i wouldn’t even accept my own apology, so why bother with second chances.

ahhh, fml

#im stupid #why did i even do this #fml #im goofy #im sorry #regret

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