justmynotesapp

[justmynotesapp]

11-16-21

it seems that all i do is long for and grab for people- all i want is for them to like me, i want their approval, i want to have value, i want to be cared about- but the second someone begins to show me the slightest bit of attention, i rip myself away from them. i think it’s fear, but i don’t know what im scared of. i feel guilty for having wasted their time, but as soon as i sense that someone cares for me, i always pull back- avoid them at every turn, ignore their messages, pretend i am too distracted to catch their eye when i pass by. sometimes it’s against my will- i want to see them, i want to be around them, i want to be loved by them. but then again, maybe that’s all i wanted. maybe that’s why i pull away- because i know that im too self absorbed, too caught up in me to ever care about them.

#feeling very tired and insecure #i guess it’s nothing new but i really hate it #why do people suck so bad #i just want someone who does suck #need friends #or just #a friend #anyone #actually just one person sounds better #don’t want to deal with other people #just one #to hold #that sounds so desperate #oh wel #i think im a shitty person #but id never let anyone know that

[justmynotesapp]

11-14-21

sometimes i get trapped in my bed. it’s not like there’s anything physically keeping me there like an injury or a rope tying me to it, it’s just impossible to get up. i don’t like being there. there’s a lot more that i could be doing, a lot more that i should be doing. i hate it, but i can’t do anything about it. there’s something weighing me down. maybe it’s just easier to stay there, curled in on myself, holding myself. my head tells me that it’s wrong to do nothing, but im not worth doing anything. i feel guilty for not being with my family, when they’re all downstairs in each other’s company. they’re laughing, i can hear them. they’re having fun just being with each other, i should be there too. but im not. im in my bed, im stuck there, holding myself, staring blankly at the gray sheets. i tell myself they’d come find me if they wanted me there. i know it’s not true. still i want them to come find me, but im scared of that thought- that they might see me like this. curled in on myself, lifeless, glassy eyed with veins popping out of my temples from willing the tears to stay inside. my room is dirty, i feel dirty, i want to clean it, i should clean it, but im in my bed. im stuck- but it’s all in my head right? it’s not real, it’s just me creating imaginary problems for myself. there’s no sound, no music, no escape. its just me and my thoughts, and i can’t do anything about it. i can’t move, im stuck there in my bed just like this.

#big ass vent #if you have advice for how to help please drop some #if anyone even sees this #me and my depression are going toe to toe rn

[justmynotesapp]

9-23-21

what is it that makes a life whole? whatever it is, i lost it. i can’t feel it anymore. smiles don’t come as easy, songs don’t sound as sweet. the rain is too cold and yellow is too dull. i think it was in the moments. or maybe it was you that i cared about.

#i remember writing this #it’s kind of edgy and cringe but idc #that day sucked #ive moved past the complete disinterest in life since then but #sometimes it's hard #but #it gets better #you

[justmynotesapp]

9-20-21

sometimes i feel like ive changed too much about myself. sometimes i look in the mirror and grimace at the sight. i can feel it too, everything shifted somewhere along the way. she used to be so pretty. she used to be so happy. i destroyed her, little by little, line by line, hair by hair. seems like everyday i took something from her and rearranged it into something unrecognizable- molded it into something completely different. permanently different. i miss her, but she reminds me of you. you, who ive long since overcome. you, who only lives in my mind now. you, who i only feel when im alone, in the late hours of the night when regret is all i know. it’s shameful to miss something you- yourself- destroyed. change is apart of everything, though.

#i must have been looking at old pictures again #don’t know if this is a vent post or just some shit edgy poetry #but still #i used to shine so much brighter #i don’t know if any of it makes sense #insecutiry #you

[justmynotesapp]

9-14-21

tyler joseph is and has always been such a huge inspiration to me. i don’t know what it is about him, maybe it’s just the way he carries himself, or his incredible accomplishments. and maybe it’s me having a fan bias, but i truly believe that every song he’s created is a masterpiece- each with their own quirks and unique sound that pushes the bounds of music and itches at my brain. no matter your musical preference, you cannot deny how much time, effort, and care he puts into these projects. there is always so much to unpack, so much to pick apart- id sit and dissect every line of every song. that’s just in terms of the albums. the website? impeccable. the tour? the story that they tell? he oversees and carefully crafts every little light change, every costume change, every color and tone of each song. he makes sure everyone who attends their shows has a great experience- that everyone gets their money’s worth. he travels and runs around stadiums so that everyone has a good seat at some point. it’s thoughtful, and a really cool aspect that make their shows that much more fun and engaging. it’s mind blowing and takes music to another level, he’s not just a musician, he is an artist. someone who pours everything they are into a project, someone so deeply devoted to their work, they put their soul into it- and you really can feel it. it is amazing. the resolve one must have to make it in the music industry whilst creating something that is so unique… watching shows of him singing oh ms believer in a basement moves me to tears, no real reason other than a striking admiration. sounds dramatic but to see how far he’s come from then inspires me so fiercely. it lights the trampled spark of desire inside of me like jet fuel, so that it burns bright- hotter than hellfire. because it wasn’t luck or looks or snakey rich men that got him here, it was him. he pushed, and he stayed with it even when it was hard, and shit man something about it

#the note just abruptly ends there #i must have fallen asleep #i have so much more that i could say about him #call me cringe but #he means the world to me #truly my muse #entertain my faith #twenty one pilots #tyler joseph #tøp