justalost4girl - Tumblr blog

justalost4girl · 2 months

Text

The Paths of Destiny

In a technologically advanced insular nation resides Sabine Wren, a girl who dreams of being an artist but is forced to work in a bar. Upon turning eighteen, instead of the red thread of soulmates, only a scar appears on her left pinky, signaling a bad omen. On the other side of the planet, in a vibrant and culturally rich nation, young Shin Hati seeks refuge in technology with the limited resources she has. Carrying a scar on her pinky, a result of a childhood accident, Shin questions her place in the world.

Soulmate Wolfwren AU

Word count: 1774

Chapter One

⋆｡°✩

Sabine Wren stared at the small piece of paper in her hand, where the printed words of the government questionnaire seemed to dance before her tired eyes. "What is the best thing that technology can provide you?" The question seemed simple enough, but for Sabine, it was a constant reminder of her own disconnect from the world around her.

Despite the monotony and loneliness that permeated her life, Sabine found some comfort in working overtime at the bar. She dreamed of studying to be an artist, losing herself in colors and shapes that could express the emotions she herself could not articulate. But for now, her artistic aspirations were just that: dreams deferred in favor of a life that seemed purposeless.

Without colors

While her coworkers talked about megabytes and algorithms, she preferred to lose herself in thoughts of brushes and canvases, ardently wishing she could express her art instead of being trapped in a world imbued with circuits and bytes. That's why she was the only one on the team who hadn't yet answered the mandatory questionnaire.

Sitting at the bar where she worked every night, she watched her coworkers laughing and enjoying themselves while serving the customers. Her friend, Ezra, chatted animatedly about the latest technology trends, discussing the latest advances in artificial intelligence and virtual reality. He was like a brother to her, and she felt guilty for envying the red thread he carried on his pinky finger.

At eighteen, instead of the long-awaited red thread that would symbolize her connection with her soulmate, a scar had formed on her left pinky finger. According to the beliefs of her society, this meant that her soulmate had already died or undergone surgery to remove the thread of destiny. For Sabine, it was a constant reminder of her lack of belonging and hopelessness.

Of her loneliness.

But she wasn't alone. Seven years ago, she settled for maintaining a stable relationship with a girl she met in September, at the opening of a technological park in her city. The relationship, despite offering some comfort, didn't fill the void in her heart. Sabine feared the day when her girlfriend would find her own soulmate, fearing being left behind once again in a world where connection was everything.

Her mark was not a physical pain, but rather an emotional wound that intensified whenever her coworkers or customers shared stories of love and encounters with their soulmates. For the girl with purple hair, the scar was a constant reminder of the emptiness in her life.

A couple enters the bar and approaches her, and the girl sighs, putting on fingerless gloves to hide her scar. It was good to avoid questions and pitying looks from customers. She forces a smile on her face.

"Hello, I'm here to help you.”

✧

On the other side of the planet, an alarm clock rings.

And it rings loudly.

The shrill sound of the alarm clock echoes through Shin Hati's small apartment, ripping through the morning tranquility. She hurriedly gets up, still sleepy, and tries to turn off the alarm, but the AI that controlled her home system seemed to have crashed overnight. The lights were flashing frantically, and the alarm continued to ring mercilessly.

"Turn off the alarm," the girl says with a racing heart, but to no avail.

Loud noises bother her, and the feeling of despair grows with each passing second. Considering the heat of the sun, Shin knows she was late for class and chaos in her apartment only adds to her stress.

The girl gets up and shuts off the house's main circuit breaker, then rushes to get ready, taking a cold shower and heading for the door. Cars had been banned in her country to help preserve nature.

Turning the corner on her bike, Shin is greeted by the vibrant streets of her city, where a regional party was in full swing. But unlike the festive atmosphere around her, Shin felt suffocated by a sense of displacement and hopelessness.

And lateness.

As she pedaled towards the university, the girl watched local artists displaying their paintings and sculptures. Shin couldn't help but feel like a stranger in her own land. She longed for something more, for a place where she could truly belong, away from the cultural traditions that seemed to imprison her.

And as the sun rose in the sky, illuminating the colorful streets ahead, she knew that no matter what the day held, she would find a way to survive, as she always did. After all, it was all she knew: to survive, even when everything around her seemed to be falling apart.

Arriving at the campus with sweat on her forehead, Shin Hati parks her gray bicycle and hurries to the classroom. She observes the contrast of the gray with the colors that adorn the bicycle parking lot. A visual reflection of the duality that permeates her life.

As she passes through the bustling square, her eyes catch the sight of couples painting together, and a feeling of bitterness invades her. She finds herself thinking about how different things would be if the accident that took her parents' lives twenty years ago had taken her instead of them, or if, at eighteen, when her finger didn't show the long-awaited red line, her tutor and uncle, Bayllan, hadn't abandoned her without any explanation, leaving only the apartment as inheritance and disappearing from her life forever.

For Shin, being taken in that tragic accident would be a relief. To struggle to find her place in the world, surrounded by a constant sense of emptiness and abandonment, was too heavy a burden to bear alone.

With a heavy sigh, Shin makes her way on foot to a distant building on campus, where a rundown structure houses her robotics engineering class. She observes the precarious facilities around her and internally laments the lack of investment in the area that interested her the most. But then, a shadow of doubt crosses her mind: was she in the wrong nation, or was she the wrong one?

The girl pushes aside these disturbing thoughts as she enters the classroom. Her teacher is teaching about Artificial Intelligences, and the girl can't wait to improve her own.

✧

Before the first rays of morning fully illuminate the dimly decorated city, Sabine Wren finishes her shift at the bar and heads home. The contrast between the soft morning light and the neon lights of the bar made it clear that her life was out of sync with the world around her. She drives her car slowly, trying to absorb the colors that the sky presents to her for her next paintings. She is out of blue paints, but the good part of living in a country with advanced technology is that her deliveries arrive quickly.

The car follows the longest road, near a bridge, and she feels like opening all the windows and ignoring the freezing cold. She wished she had the chance to ride a bike in the summer, but the government has not yet invested in bike lanes. The girl uses her cell phone to photograph the horizon like a tourist and plays her favorite album on the way back home.

Upon arriving home, she takes off her shoes and unlocks the door. A coat hanging warns her that her girlfriend is still at home, and she smiles at that. She heads for a hot shower and then snuggles into arms that are warm but can't warm the cold in her soul.

Maybe nothing ever can.

The girl pulls the blanket closer to her neck and ponders the government questionnaire she needs to answer: "What is the best thing technology can provide you?" She feels lost, unwilling to explain her disconnect. The government cares about these questionnaires, and she would have to attend monotonous lectures about the importance of technology.

Determined to find guidance, she decides to ask for help on a famous technology forum before going to sleep. She sends a message and closes her eyes, thinking of screens with vibrant and warm colors and of arms as warm as the sun.

✧

Shin Hati barely had time to have lunch; losing her AI in the morning completely messed up her schedule and left her without access to her planned activities for the day. To make matters worse, she discovers that there was a meeting scheduled today when her boss, Morgan, calls requesting a new report. Although working at a security company can be interesting, dealing with Morgan and Mr. T. is a real challenge. The duo is known as the worst possible leadership: they don't respect schedules, delay payments, and treat employees rudely.

Shin sighs deeply, preferring a thousand times to wake up to the sound of street parties than to face the bosses every day.

After quickly washing her face to regain her spirits, Shin heads to the meeting room. Almost an hour late, the bosses finally arrive, but only to scold Shin for the quality of the report and to fire her colleague for two delays in the month.

She tunes out the rest of the meeting, letting her thoughts take over while the bosses unload their criticisms.

How can they have intact red threads, symbolizing a soulmate, while being so unpleasant and incompetent?

The irony of the situation is not lost on Shin, and she wonders if the connection destined by the universe really means anything when it comes to character and ethics.

At the end of the meeting, Shin is sitting at her desk, redoing the reports when a new notification pops up on her phone. It's a recent post with a lot of engagement on the popular international technology forum:

mandsbine: I need help answering a technology questionnaire

Shin reads the message with interest, feeling compelled to help the stranger seeking guidance. She sets aside the reports for a moment and opens the notification.

As she reads the responses from other users mocking her for living in the most technological country and still not being able to answer the government's question, Shin can't help but feel a pang of discomfort. Some others are clearly mocking her and threatening to report her for plagiarism.

She decides to send a private message to the girl.

SHati: People can be cruel. It's good to make a more personal response on the questionnaire. I'm here to help.

As she types, a slight tingling runs through Shin's pinky finger, unnoticed by her.

✦

#wolfwren #sabine x shin #ivanna sakhno #natasha liu bordizzo #ahsoka series

15 notes · View notes

justalost4girl · 4 months

Text

the injury of finally knowing you

Word Count: 7.9k

Title from 'Unknown/Nth' by Hozier

*****

You’re frozen. Sabine is skewered on the end of a guttering orange lightsaber, her eyes wide in shock and pain, immobilised, and you’re frozen.

You’d heard her distress call, you and Ahsoka both, and had come as quickly as you could. You’d both drawn your sabers—the blue of yours with the white of your master’s lighting up the interior of the rattling ship—before Huyang had even opened the drop-doors. Ready to fight, ready for action.

And then Sabine’s assailant had turned in the headlights and you’d turned to stone.

It’s been years—years—and her hair is different, her frame taller and leaner, but you know those eyes. You’d know them anywhere.

“Shin.” You breathe, and you feel something you thought was dead reawaken in your chest.

She meets your eyes for a split-second, fear and anger and brief recognition flashing across her face, before she turns tail and runs.

She doesn’t look back.

*****

Once Sabine is stabilised in the medbay on Lothal, Ahsoka finds you.

“You knew her.” You look up from your hands. Your master leans against the door to Sabine’s room, staring at you with an unreadable expression. You hate it when she does that; it makes you feel scrutinised, like the Togruta is peeling back the layers of your skin, staring at your very essence.

“The mercenary.” She prompts after a moment of silence. You sigh. Though the conversation was almost certainly inevitable, you’d hoped it could wait until after Sabine was up and about again; she was a pain in the ass, but your best friend, and you’d always dealt with things better when she was around. Things, this time, being the sudden reappearance of a girl you’d thought was lost to you.

“I do. I used to, anyway.”

Ahsoka stays quiet but raises an eyebrow. Go on, she gestures.

“Back on Aris, my home planet—before I got out—Shin was…” you trail off. How do you even begin to describe what you and Shin were to each other? Barely teenagers, you’d found one another in the dusty underworld of your shithole of a planet. Both orphans, friendless, starving, you’d stuck together, first for convenience and necessity, and then, after trust was built and connection found, for companionship. She’d been your only light in the darkness of your life, and you the same for her.

My sunshine, that’s what she used to call you. With that achingly fond smile, the one that made your heart skip and your hands shake. She’d brush her hands against your cheek, brush lips against your temple, and then you’d share the food you’d both scavenged for the day, huddled together for warmth in some back alley or abandoned building.

What had you been to each other? Something undefined, something unable to be put into words. You’d sunk desperate teeth into one another, searching for survival, searching for a home neither of you had anymore. She stuck to the back of your teeth even now, over a decade later. How on earth could you compress what Shin had been to you into something understandable?

“Shin was my friend.” Is what you settle on, averting your eyes, swallowing harshly. “We hung around together when we were kids. Scavenged food, kept each other out of trouble.”

“What happened?” Your master asks and you wince at the memory of what came next.

“There was a man. Baylan, he said his name was. Came to us both one night saying he could…he could sense us. The Force, I mean.” You bring your hands together in your lap and take a breath, fighting to keep your voice steady. “He said he wanted to train us, to—to help us, and…”

You still remember the look on Shin’s face, how her eyes had glimmered as Baylan spoke of freedom, of power beyond your wildest dreams. You feel sick even now, just thinking of it.

“He offered to get us out. To take us with him, away from Aris. I…I didn’t trust him. He felt—dark. But Shin, she didn’t listen when I told her something was up with him.”

You had fought that night, your first and only fight. Shin was frustrated that you couldn’t see the opportunity Baylan was offering, and you were afraid. Afraid of what would become of you if you went with this stranger. Afraid of the girl you knew—the girl you loved—being changed into something she wasn’t. And so—

“Shin left. She went with Baylan, and I stayed on Aris for a few more years. Then, made my way to you. I never saw her again. Until last night.”

You’re trembling by the end of your story, and Ahsoka places a gentle hand on your shoulder. Heart clenching, you swallow back the lump in your throat. Pull it together.

“She had a padawan braid.” Sitting up, swiping a hand down your face, you focus up. Ahsoka nods.

“Which means she’s probably taking the map to her master—to Baylan.”

“We have to get it back, Master.”

“We do. We will.”

*****

The next time you see Shin, she tries to kill you.

Sabine and Ahsoka are occupied with the other one, with his full-face mask and spinning double-saber, leaving you to chase after her.

You call her name through the trees that seem to cover half the surface of Seatos, and when she stops running and turns to face you, there’s a wildness in her eyes that takes the breath from your lungs.

“Shin.” You say again, voice soft, panting from your race through the forest. Her jaw ticks at the sound of her name, hands clenched in fists by her sides. You take a step towards her, hoping for—you don’t even know what you were hoping for—and then her lightsaber ignites and comes swinging at you.

You manage to dodge her strike, heart cracking as you grab your own weapon and ignite the blue blade, not even getting a chance to decide if you really want to do this—if you really will fight her, the girl you once rested your head upon, who once called you sunshine with adoration in her eyes—before she’s attacking again, lightsaber arcing towards your head.

You catch the swing and hold it, grunting in effort as she bears down. Your faces are inches apart, lit by the glow of your weapons, and a warring plethora of emotions rage against your ribcage.

A part of you wants to step back, to sheath your blade and plead with her. You want to tell her you were wrong not to go with her, that she was wrong to leave—that no matter what, you should’ve stayed together, because she had been your only family for years and you had loved her and—fuck—you love her now, even still, after all this time.

But this is not the Shin you once knew. This girl, with snarling, snapping teeth and feral eyes, she is not the girl you once called home. She is changed, just as you feared she would be, and you sense that if you try to reason with her, she will simply run you through, just as she did Sabine.

So, you grit your teeth. Push back against her and send her stumbling back a step. And when you collide again, both of you have murder in your eyes.

The fighting is brutal and quick; Shin is clearly well-trained and you barely manage to parry her strikes, using all your energy to keep yourself in the battle. Your blades clash and hum angrily, lighting up the clearing as you charge each other.

You’re not sure you’d have survived if not for Ahsoka and Sabine taking out Shin’s accomplice. Your knees are close to buckling, arms shaking violently as Shin’s head whips around to see her masked partner dissolve in a burst of green smoke. Shock is evident on her face, lips parting and eyes widening, and she steps away from you. Your arms drop to your sides, breath escaping you in wheezes and coughs.

There’s a moment then, where you see the chance: her attention is drawn, she’s distracted; you could just kill her now, one clean slice, and be rid of her. But you know the way she haunts you—her memory has lingered for over a decade now, slicking your gums, nestling in your bones. Death would not keep her away.

Besides, some stupid part of you still has hope. Hope that, one day, she will smile at you again, call you sunshine in that lilting accent of hers, and you will finally come home to each other.

That day seems a long way off when she turns back to you, fury boiling over in her eyes, before throwing a smoke bomb at your feet and racing away.

*****

Ahsoka goes over the cliff, Sabine hands over the map to Baylan, and all in all, it could’ve gone better.

Now, you’re sitting in a holding cell—bare, apart from the solid metal ledge you suppose counts as a bed—with your hands bound and your head absolutely pounding, flying on a giant golden ring through hyperspace towards perhaps the one man with the power to restart the Empire. Outnumbered, outgunned, and fresh out of ideas. Fucking brilliant.

You’re leaning back with your eyes shut and your head on the cool metal of the cell, trying to alleviate your headache, when the door to your prison slides open with a hiss.

You don’t open your eyes. You can sense her now, feel her presence—both of you now being strong with the Force is probably to blame for that extra fun little sixth sense.

“What do you want?” You ask flatly. Defeated, exhausted and more than a little angry, you want to be left alone.

Shin doesn’t answer, but you hear her step into the room, the door sliding shut behind her.

You sigh and open your eyes, staring defiantly up at her as she lingers by the entrance. She’s watching you, eyes intense but also curious. Her lightsaber hangs from her belt, a visible threat, but you don’t feel anger coming from her like you did on Seatos. The air sizzles with unspoken words and thick tension.

“Y/N.” She finally speaks, and it feels like a relief to hear your name rounded by her voice after so many years. It seems to catch between her teeth though, uncertain, and you huff out a mirthless laugh.

“So you do remember me.”

“Of course I remember you.” She almost spits, that familiar fury bubbling under her tone, and you raise an eyebrow. You see her swallow, eyelids fluttering, reigning herself in.

“It’s been a while.” You remark, unsure of what to do. She has all the power here; you’re on her ship, shackled in her prison, weaponless, armourless, defenceless. Yet somehow you feel her wavering. She seems just as uncertain as you, just as…lost.

She inclines her head in agreement and takes a step forward, saying nothing. You keep quiet too, for no other reason than you simply do not know what to say. What can you say? To Shin, what can even be said? ‘You have changed and it scares me but somehow you still keep a piece of my heart’? ‘You left me and it damn near killed me, but god you’re so pretty it hurts’? No, you can say none of it, none of how you feel, so you stay silent.

“You’re a Jedi now.” She ventures after a while and you shrug.

“I guess. I’m not fully trained yet, plus Ahsoka isn’t technically a Jedi, so.”

Another stretch of silence.

“What’s it like?”

You cock your head in confusion. Shin looks smaller now, more vulnerable, and it baffles you. Angers you too. She has you locked up in here, comes to see you of her own free will after god knows how many years apart, just to..what? Make small talk? Fuck that.

“What’s it like? You left me, left me stranded on that hellhole without a second thought, tried to kill me and have taken me prisoner and you come here to ask what training to be a Jedi is like?” You say, venom in your tone, hands clenching into fists as rage climbs the ladder of your ribcage.

Shin starts towards you, eyebrows furrowing. Her mouth opens to reply but you cut her off, lost to the currents of your rising anger.

“We were supposed to stick together, Shin, that was how it worked. I needed you and you needed me and we survived together.” You rise from your seat, blood roaring in your ears, heart pounding as all the hurt, all the confusion and the pain and the anger comes flooding out of you.

“I told you not to go with him and you didn’t listen.” You take a step towards her. She is motionless, eyes stuck on you. “I told you not to leave me, and you did it anyway.” You’re getting louder, losing control. You’re barely a metre apart now, your chest heaving as she watches you.

You step into her personal space, inches apart.

“You told me we’d stay together no matter what and you fucking lied. You abandoned me.”

Shin, who has been silent throughout your little rant, finally reacts, mouth drawing into a thin line as you practically corner her against the wall.

“I didn’t abandon you.” She whispers, and her voice is hurt. It surprises you enough to suck in a quick breath, eyes darting about her face. “We were both supposed to go with Baylan. You were supposed to come too.”

It feels like your heart is crumbling to dust as you stare at her, realising the pain she’s in. You can see her clearly, can see the girl you knew hiding behind a hard mask of stoic indifference. She’s still there, just tucked away behind anger and hurt and suffering, and it feels like breathing for the first time to know it.

“Shin.” You breathe, wanting to reach for her but your hands are bound; wanting to run from her but the door is locked. All you can do is stare, try to convey everything you’re feeling with the weight you put on her name.

The moment is broken by the communications panel of her vambrace beeping loudly and insistently. You step back, dazed, blinking and trying to come back to yourself. Shin seems similarly disarmed, shaking her head and clearing her throat before looking down at the message. She furrows her brow. You want to ask her what’s wrong, want to ask her to stay. But you don’t get the chance. She taps a response out, the door to the cell opens, and she leaves without a word.

After she’s gone, the door closed behind her again, you slump back against the wall. Your mind is spinning, heart twisting itself into knots. You don’t know what you’re going to do now—Shin is technically the enemy, and her master killed your master, but she is also the girl you loved, the girl you love, and you feel light-headed with all the complications.

You slide to the ground, rest your head against your knees. You’re fucked and you know it.

*****

Peridea is beautiful, in its own deserted, haunting way. The Noti take you in, and Ezra is going home, Ahsoka is alive and Sabine seems to be making her own peace, and yet you remain restless.

It’s not just being stuck in an unreachable galaxy, far away from everything you’ve ever known, whilst a warlord capable of unspeakable evil speeds away to destroy all you worked to rebuild—though it’s certainly not helping.

Aside from that, you’re restless. And you know why.

You can still feel her.

After the fight, after Ahsoka offered her hand and Shin ran, you’d assumed that would be the last of it. She’d isolate herself on some remote corner of the planet and starve, and you’d finally find some measure of peace. But no.

She’s there—barely—but there all the same. At the edge of your awareness, tiptoeing on the borders of your consciousness. Her presence is hazy, cloudy, but undeniable. You don’t know if she’s a mile away or hundreds, but she’s there. Her confusion, her anger, her desperation…it’s all buzzing just out of reach, millimetres from your fingertips, and you’re not sure if you want to grasp for it or shove it away. You try both. Neither works.

The days roll on and you fall into a routine of sorts: you wake with the sun, spar with Sabine, help out with chores around camp; you meditate with Ahsoka, practice your lightsaber forms and sleep when the moon rises. All of it is permeated by that tickle in the back of your brain, that sense, her.

You know your friends notice the distance in your eyes—both Ahsoka and Sabine approach you separately to ask what’s bothering you, but you give them the same non-answer: ‘I’m just worried about home.’ You can tell neither of them believe you, but thankfully, neither of them push the issue.

You’re sure you’d have gone mildly insane with it, had she not shown up that night.

*****

The hand slapped over your mouth jolts you from a turbulent sleep, and your eyes widen in shock as you immediately begin to squirm, trying to throw your attacker off. It’s dark out, with only the stars lighting the sky, and your eyes haven’t adjusted yet, so you can’t see your assailant.

Panic rises in your chest, heart pounding as you try to yell, only for the sound to get muffled by the gloved fingers curling over your lips. You toss and turn, slapping at the arm of your attacker, trying to bite their fingers, kick them, claw them, anything.

“Shh, shh, stop it. It’s me, it’s me.” The person hisses, alarmed, and your body goes slack with a mixture of shock and relief.

“…Shin?” You whisper once the hand is removed from your mouth. You blink rapidly, and Shin’s face comes into focus above yours. Her eyes are wide and frantic, dirt smudged across her cheeks. She looks wild, looks skittish, and you can’t even begin to describe how you’re feeling.

“What the fuck are you doing here?!” Is what comes out of your mouth after you’ve composed yourself a little, sitting up quickly, narrowly avoiding headbutting her.

She shuffles backwards and her eyes dart to the ground, like she hadn’t expected the question. That pisses you off to no end—she fucking snuck into your camp in the dead of night, like some kind of predator, and now she has the audacity to look sheepish?!

“Seriously, Shin, start talking, or I swear to—”

“I didn’t know where else to go.”

Her voice is small, weak, and it’s just then that you notice the way her left arm is hanging, slack and limp, by her side. Blood covers her armour and sleeve, some dried and some still dripping, and immediately your brows furrow.

“What happened?” Your tone is low and concerned, and you reach for her hand without even thinking about it. She flinches away and you draw your hand back quick as lightning. You mutter an apology under your breath.

“Bandits. I tried to join them…to rule them, but they mutinied. I wasn’t quick enough. One of them got me with their sword.”

There’s pain in her voice now, and it’s clear to you that she’s struggling. She wouldn’t have come to you unless she really needed help.

Part of you wants to turn her away. Wants to tell her to get lost and to stay the hell away from you; there’s still a lot of unresolved tension between the two of you, with your history both old and recent. She’d abandoned you. She’d tried to kill you, for heaven’s sake.

But, looking into her eyes, you see that girl you knew on Aris. You see Shin, your Shin, and you know you can’t leave her like this. You sigh. Stand up and jut your chin towards the log settlement around the fire in the middle of camp.

“Come on, then.” You start walking, not waiting for her to follow. You start gathering the supplies you’ll need to clean and wrap her wound, and when you turn back around, you see Shin sat by the fire, warming her hands. It’s pitiful and endearing in equal amounts, and you shake your head to try and rid yourself of those soft-rounded thoughts.

Once you have everything you need, you take a seat next to her. Her eyes dart your way, a flicker of…something glimmering deep within them, but you can’t afford to overanalyse right now—not with how blood still drips from Shin’s fingers, how she has started to shiver.

“I need to touch you to help you.” You murmur, warning her, and she nods faintly in return, turning back to face the fire. The flames cast a warm glow over her cheeks, making her seem softer. That biting edge, that snarling fury you’ve come to know of her seems a distant memory as you begin to cut away her sleeve, being mindful not to nick her skin or graze the wound.

A quiet sigh of relief escapes your lips once you finally see the full extent of the wound; it’s a deep cut—you can see where the sword bit into her arm, swung likely with a fair amount of force—and it’s probably causing Shin a decent amount of pain, but it doesn’t look like it’ll cause lasting damage. It’ll almost definitely scar, but she’ll heal. She’ll be alright.

You’re not sure why that makes you feel so much quieter inside.

The process of cleaning her arm is methodical, relaxing. You lose yourself in it for a while. Silence settles over the two of you like a comfortable blanket, enveloping you in a world of your own, and you haven’t felt this peaceful since before Lothal.

Surprisingly, it’s Shin who speaks first. You’ve applied some bacta to the cut, wiped the blood and grime away, and you’re just waiting for her to bolt—the job finished, your services no longer required—when she opens her mouth.

“Baylan abandoned me.”

The words are measured, quiet, but you can hear the betrayal and the hurt seeping into her tone. You swallow, unsure of what to say, but she continues before you can start rambling.

“He said he could sense something here. A great power, greater than the witches. He told me to kill you, Sabine and Ezra, then join Thrawn. Then he was just…gone.”

Shin’s lower lip is trembling, eyes glazing over, and an ache of sympathy pangs in your chest. The bond between a Master and a Padawan is almost unbreakably strong—to have it shut off like that, cut so abruptly, must be agony. You felt a little of it when you thought Ahsoka was dead, and you know that if she actually were to perish, or, Makers forbid, abandon you, you would feel it like a knife through the heart.

“Shin, I—” You start, but she cuts you off, head turning to face you, and you see clearly the tear sliding down her cheek.

“He was like my father.” And there is rage now, undercutting her sorrow. “Why did he leave me?”

It’s a question you cannot answer. Yet she looks at you with such desperation, like you’re her anchor as she is tossed about by towering waves, that you wish so gravely that you could.

You don’t know what compels you then—she had flinched back when you tried before—but she looks so angry, so sad, so broken, that you reach for her. To your surprise, she meets you halfway, collapsing into your arms, burying her head in your shoulder. You wrap your arms around her, let her cry silent tears as your heart beats out of your chest.

Holding Shin, feeling her pressed up against you, is something you haven’t had in a very long time. It takes you back to a simpler time, to nights snuggled together for warmth; to blushing smiles and brushing hands and eyes that looked like home. It breaks open something you’d buried and tears of your own gather in the corners of your eyes.

She pulls away after what feels like seconds, like an eternity, and clears her throat, swiping harshly at her eyes. You feel cold almost immediately, the absence of her touch chilling your skin.

“Sorry.” She mutters gruffly and you shake your head, waving her off. The air between the two of you is changed now, somewhat awkward but still charged.

“What are you going to do now?” You venture to ask after a moment. It’s a valid question; after all, Thrawn and his ship are gone, Baylan is off on his mysterious quest and the bandits (whatever’s left of them) have made clear that Shin isn’t welcome with them. Her future seems highly uncertain.

“I don’t know.” She replies, shifting uncomfortably. Clearly she hadn’t thought about what came next after you’d patched her up. “I can’t go back to the bandits.”

“Yeah, no shit.” You murmur and she chuckles, a low sound from the back of her throat, and it brings a smile to your face. Quiet falls between the two of you again.

In the silence, in the gaps between your breaths, an idea starts to take root. It’s stupid and illogical and entirely driven by your nonsensical heart, but once it plants itself, it grows and grows and grows, until it covers every corner of your mind like ivy.

“You could…stay?” And it’s out of your mouth before you can catch it. Your own eyes widen in surprise at what you’ve just suggested; Shin is the enemy. She’s tried to kill you, had damn near killed Sabine, has hunted you and hurt you. There’s a darkness in her that almost scares you, and she is so far from the girl you once knew, but she isn’t at the same time. She’s Shin, feral and furious, but still Shin, all the same. You look in her eyes, and you still see home.

You lost her once. You won’t lose her again.

“With us, I mean.” You carry on, confidence seeping into your voice as you fall more in love with the idea. “Ahsoka already offered and the Noti would appreciate the extra help.”

Shin’s expression is unreadable. It almost throws you off, but you’ve convinced yourself of this now, and you won’t let her go unpersuaded.

“Stay? Why?” She asks, seeming genuinely curious, as if weighing her options.

“Because you have nowhere else to go. Because you’d have somewhere to sleep here, somewhere to feel safe. Because we have food and water.” You quiet your voice. “Because I’m asking you to.”

Her eyes meet yours at this last sentence, and you think you see something akin to hope blazing in their depths.

Your pulse is hammering as she looks at you. You’ve laid yourself bare, made yourself vulnerable, and your heart is in the palm of her hands. Should she so choose, she could crush it, turn it to bloody pulp between her fingers. The thought of it scares you. But not as much as the thought of her leaving again.

“You want me to stay?” She whispers, voice raw. Her body language is open, fully turned to face you, hands by her sides, eyes wide and searching. She looks, for a second, just as she did the night you first met: shaking, terrified but hopeful, wanting help, wanting a friend, wanting to put down the weight of the world and to just breathe.

The moment feels monumental; make or break. She has your heart in her hands, as you believe you might well have hers.

“I want you to stay.” You whisper back, and with her bashful nod, something inside you knits itself back together.

*****

Sabine is sceptical, to say the least.

Ok, she’s downright furious. Understandable, the rational part of you whispers as your friend draws her saber, she did try to kill her.

“Sabine, please, just listen.” You start, a hand out to placate your angry companion as she stares murderously at the woman standing behind you.

“What the fuck is she doing here.” She spits, eyes narrow and blazing. Ahsoka stands off to the side, arms crossed over her chest, expression unreadable. You sort of wish she’d intervene—after all, she had been the first to offer Shin a place with your group, surely this is what she wanted? But she remains impassive, watching on as you try to talk your best friend down from attacking the silver-haired mercenary.

“It’s ok, I promise. She won’t hurt any of us. Right, Shin?” You call over your shoulder, not taking your eyes off Sabine in case she tries to go for her.

“Right.” Her monotone voice decidedly does not fill you with confidence, and Sabine takes another step towards the two of you.

“Hey, hey, stop.” You raise your voice, panic seeping into your tone. “She’s alone. Baylan left her, the bandits attacked her. She has nowhere else to go.”

“So leave her to it then. Let her rot, what do you care?” Sabine snarls, and you feel Shin’s anger pulse. You try to project calmness into the air, trying to push it both ways between the two women on either side of you. You’re not sure it’s working. Ahsoka, for the love of everything that’s sacred, please step in.

“We have a history. You know this; I told you. Remember?”

It’s true. It had felt wrong to leave your friend out of the loop, so you’d sat her down on one of your first nights on Peridea and told her everything. Your past with Shin, how you’d survived together, and how she’d eventually left you. It doesn’t seemed to have changed anything about how Sabine feels about Shin, judging by the dangerous look in her eyes as she advances.

“I remember her stabbing me. I remember her trying to kill us all on multiple occasions. I remember that she’s the enemy, Y/N.”

“Sabine.” Ahsoka calls, stepping forward at last, and your shoulders lose a little of their tension. You heave a relieved breath, chancing a glance away from your friend towards Shin behind you. She meets your eyes, and behind the frantic gleam, you see her soften. She nods, almost imperceptibly, and you relax even further.

Sabine looks to her master, eyebrows furrowed.

“There is no such thing as enemy out here. On this planet, there can only be survival.” Ahsoka’s voice is level, easy. She speaks softly but firmly, and you nod along with her.

“But Master—”

“Sabine.” The Togruta arches an eyebrow, like a teacher admonishing a schoolchild, and Sabine falls silent. “Shin will have to gain our trust, this is true. But we will give her that opportunity.” She turns to you, and to Shin. “And should she fail—betray us or hurt us in any way—then, and only then, will we, as you say, ‘let her rot’. Is that clear?”

You wait with bated breath for Sabine’s response. Almost unconsciously, you take a step back, closer to Shin, ready to defend her should you need to.

After what feels like an eternity, Sabine sighs. Shakes her head.

“Crystal.” She murmurs, and a ghost of a smile dances on your lips.

*****

It takes a while, but eventually, Shin starts to settle in.

Ahsoka takes over from Baylan with her training—something that had taken a lot of convincing from both you and your master—and the Noti welcome her with open arms (they’re mostly just happy to have someone else to help with the constant moving, but it’s a win and you’ll take it). Sabine even stops trying to murder her with her eyes after a couple of days.

It’s actually pretty painless, the way she slots into your lives on Peridea. She spars with Ahsoka whilst you spar with Sabine, helps out with chores around camp with minimal complaining, goes hunting and returns with fresh kills for the Noti to cook and eat. She’s…calm. Calmer than you’ve ever seen her, come to think of it. Perhaps it’s something to do with community, or belonging, or any of that sentimental bullshit you think about when the stars come out.

Things between you and Shin are complicated, but also unbelievably simple. Simple, in the way that you trust each other (somehow, after everything). In the way that you go to each other when something is wrong, when you are happy, when you need peace. Gravity. Simple gravity, holding the two of you close, keeping you in each other’s orbit. She sleeps beside you at night, and you listen to her breath even out and fall asleep yourself.

She begins to open up more; about Baylan, about her time with him, her travels and fights and the life she’s lived apart from you. You sit around the fire in the evening, after everybody else has gone to bed, and watch the moon rise together. Sometimes, she rests her head on your shoulder, like she did when you were younger, and it makes your heart race every single time.

That’s why it’s complicated.

Complicated, because the more Shin grows comfortable, the more she softens and opens herself up, the more you start to realise just how deep your feelings for her go.

And it’s stupid. It’s absolutely idiotic, nonsensical and just downright dumb. You want to do silly things like hold her hand. You want to brush her hair out of her face after she spars, want to kiss her forehead and hold her at night, and it’s all so out of place. You’re on a graveyard planet, surviving day by day, uncertain whether your home has been destroyed by Thrawn and the Empire, and all you can think about is Shin. Her eyes. Her smile. Her stupid, kissable lips. Fuck, it’s disarming how much you want to kiss those lips.

You kick yourself for it internally, scold yourself every time you catch your thoughts wandering into dangerous territory, but what doesn’t help is the fact that you’re almost certain she feels the same.

It started small—you catching her staring just a little too long across the fire, her getting distracted when sparring with Ahsoka—and you almost hadn’t noticed it. But as the weeks pass and you all settle further into life on Peridea, it becomes more obvious.

A hand on your waist as she passes you. Toothy smiles you’re sure nobody else gets to see. Blushes when you compliment her fighting style or praise her for her contributions to the camp. All of it begins to add up, to the point where now you’re just dancing around each other, waiting for the other to make some kind of move.

It’s maddening. It’s exhilarating.

It is, apparently, glaringly obvious to those around you.

*****

“When are you two gonna stop eye-fucking and actually get together?”

You almost spit your mouthful of food out, eyes nearly bugging out of your head, as Sabine plops herself next to you by the fire. You cough, clearing your throat, before turning to her with incredulity written across your face.

“What?! What are you talking about?”

She gives you a look. A ‘come on, really?’ look. You don’t waver.

“Seriously? You and Shin. When are you gonna woman up and do something about the tension between the two of you?” You sputter and stammer, trying to string a sentence together to deny the truth. Sabine watches you with amusement.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Is what you finally manage to spit out, and she scoffs. You feel your cheeks turn pink and your mouth dries. Is it really that obvious?

“Bullshit. It’s impossible not to notice you two staring at each other, pining all the damn time. It’s annoying. Please do something about it, it’s making her testy. She almost cut my head off when I asked her to stop snoring the other day.”

So yeah, maybe Sabine and Shin have formed something of a friendship. Well, enough of a friendship where Sabine feels safe antagonising Shin without the fear of murder. It’s almost sweet.

You struggle for words, unable to fully explain just how much you want to do something about it, but also just how scared you are. Not just of rejection, but of ruining everything. You and Shin are just getting comfortable together again. She trusts you. Keeps you close again. You don’t wish to jeopardise that by acting on your feelings, no matter how much you want to. It could ruin things between you for good, could scare her away from the camp entirely. And then you’d be abandoned again, heartbroken, and you’re not sure you’d survive that a second time.

“I can’t, ‘bine. It’s just too complicated.”

Sabine snorts, and you’re offended for a full second before she explains herself.

“Is it though?” You tilt your head, confused. She sighs, shakes her head with a wry smile. Softens, a little. “She came back for you. She’s staying for you. We all know it’s not for me and my stellar company.” You chuckle a little at that, a fond smile tugging at the corners of your lips. “She feels the same way about you, you know. My advice? Don’t lose her again.”

Her words strike a chord, and you feel very, very stupid all of a sudden. You meet her eyes.

“Thanks, Sabine.”

“Anytime, Y/N. Now, please, for the love of the Makers, kiss her so I can sleep in safety once more.”

*****

The next day, you offer to spar with Shin.

It’s not something you’ve done since she joined the camp—Ahsoka had tried to make you, but you’d refused; unsure of whether it was a good idea, given your past. She had sparred with Ahsoka only, their skills in battle fairly evenly matched, whilst you had continued to work with Sabine.

But you know you need to do something, and you need to be alone with her, so when morning comes, you both ride out of camp to a little plateau you had found on a scouting trip.

The journey there is comfortably quiet. Even now, Shin is still a woman of few words, and you respect that. It’s nice, though. Being with her, not speaking. It’s comfortable. Peaceful.

When you arrive, you let your Howlers loose and begin to warm up. You feel nervous, jittery. You know it’s not from anticipation for the fight.

You watch Shin as she moves through some forms with her saber. It steals the breath from your lungs, so at one with her body is she. She is grace and savagery all in one, and you know right then that you’ll love her until your heart stops.

“Ready?” She eventually asks, rolling her shoulders into a fighting stance, and with your nod, you’re away.

Instantly, you see the improvements Ahsoka has made to her form. She fights just as fast she did when you’d clashed before Peridea, just as dangerous with a blade in her hand, but she is also more deliberate. More defensive. She’s precise and calculating and so, so beautiful.

Your lightsabers clash over and over, humming through the air and buzzing against one another, sizzling in the space between you. You’re panting, gritting your teeth, fighting with everything in you. You catch her swings and attack her back, but she’s just too fluid to pin down. You’re losing this, and you know it.

When she looks like this, though—eyes bright and cheeks flushed, teeth bared in a playful snarl—you can’t really find it in yourself to care.

Shin disarms you after nearly 5 minutes of sparring with a move you should’ve seen coming, and your lightsaber is sent flying out of your hands. Triumphant, she levels her blade under your chin, a Cheshire cat smile on her lips, and cocks her head to the side.

“I win.” She declares, smug and proud and blazing bright, and it’s all you can do not to fall to your knees in front of her.

“Yeah, you win.” You agree hoarsely, hands up to show your defeat, gazing at her from the other end of her orange blade with worship in your eyes.

Something shifts, then. On that plateau, with nobody else around for miles, you at the mercy of her blade, Shin seems to crumble. She shuts off her saber, throws it to the ground. Your eyes widen. Your heart races.

Shin throws herself into you and the both of you shatter.

The kiss is bruising, nearly painful in its intensity, and you grin into it like a madman. Shin’s hands are in your hair, on your face, your shoulders; pulling, scratching, digging in, touching you like she needs to prove you’re real. You reciprocate in kind, gripping her waist hard, pulling her so close there’s not an inch of space between you. It’s too much and not enough.

Heat floods your body when she bites down on your bottom lip, the iron taste of blood coating your mouth, and you groan, feeling like you could burst, like you could float away, like you could die in this moment and be forever immortalised by the moan she releases into your mouth, the way she scratches at your scalp, the blood smeared across both of your lips.

Her tongue breaches into your mouth, curling over the backs of your teeth, and the shiver that runs down your spine is involuntary, inevitable, indescribable. Your hands scrabble for purchase on her lower back as hers cup your face with antithetical tenderness. The stroke of her thumb over your cheek almost makes you want to cry—this is all you’ve wanted for months now, all you’ve wanted since you were teenagers on Aris, and it feels like finally coming home.

“Shin.” You breathe in between kisses, forehead resting against hers. She pulls back a little, just enough to look you in your eyes. She looks wild again, but in the best way: her hair is tousled, cheeks pink, eyes half-focused. You think you’d rather go blind than ever see anything other than her.

“Lie down.” You murmur, after having caught your breath. Her pupils, already blown, flash dangerously, and you can’t help but surge forward and press another heavy kiss to her lips.

You manage to manoeuvre yourselves down to the ground, Shin on her back, you hovering above her, one leg slotted between hers, arms holding you up beside her head.

She looks so pretty like this, you think, and screw it, you’re in this now, might as well tell her.

“You’re so pretty, Shin. So beautiful like this.” Your words elicit a low whimper from the woman below you, her hands reaching for you, tugging you down until she can connect your mouths again.

She kisses you hard, filthy; licking into your mouth like you’re her last meal, and you moan, wanting more, wanting everything. You disconnect your lips, and Shin’s whine of protest morphs into another whimper when you begin to trail open-mouthed kisses over her jaw and neck.

Red and purple marks rise in the wake of your tongue and teeth, sucking and biting hard enough for Shin to gasp and arch up into you, leaving bruises that will stay on her skin for days. Just the thought of it, of claiming her like this, is enough to have you nearly feral with need.

It’s not long before Shin’s moans turn desperate, the hands on your shoulders beginning to scrabble.

“Y/N.” She groans, tone pleading but frantic, like she’s not even sure what she’s asking for.

“Yeah?” You murmur, pulling away. The marks littering her throat make something dark inside of your roar proudly, and your mouth practically waters at the sight of her—needy, wanting, begging.

“Please.” She sighs, eyes wide and dark, and you couldn’t deny her even if you wanted to.

Between the two of you, you manage to tug her pants and underwear down her legs. If you’d been back at camp or on the ship, you’d have taken your time. Worked her up slowly, spent hours worshipping her body. But you’re out in the middle of nowhere, and Shin is practically halfway gone already, and you’d rather die than leave her hanging.

The first swipe of your fingers through her folds makes her gasp, makes you moan. She’s dripping, so riled up she’s soaked, and you feel a little light-headed, nearly overwhelmed.

“Fuck, Shin, you’re so wet.” You mutter, moving your fingers to her clit and starting to rub it in slow circles. She whines again, head falling back, mouth dropping open. You lower your mouth to her neck, biting another mark into her pulse point. She writhes underneath you, hips bucking, and you feel like you could come from this alone.

You keep your attention on her clit, not wanting to overwhelm her with anything too soon. You keep it relatively slow, occasionally pressing harder in order to draw out another of her pretty whimpers, or drawing back to hear her beg. Every so often, you press your lips to hers, kissing her softly, whispering praise and encouragement, telling her how beautiful she is, how well she’s doing.

It doesn’t take long for her thighs to start trembling around your hand—if she’s the same as you, she’s been worked up enough about this over the last few weeks to hold out much longer. Her moans take on a higher pitch, coming more frequently as her eyes clench shut. You keep your pace, circling her clit, pressing kisses to her neck.

“Let go, I’ve got you.” You murmur, when it’s evident she’s close, and she falls over the edge with a cry of your name. Her back arches off the ground, hands holding you tight as she shudders through it. You think stars would be jealous of her beauty in this moment.

She comes down slowly, breath evening out, and you pull your hand away once you’re sure it’s over. Her grey eyes open, hazy and soft, and you chuckle at the sight of her. Hair mussed, lips bitten-red, dazed look in her half-lidded eyes; she looks like the rest of your life.

“Hey.” You whisper, cupping her face. She grins lazily.

“Hey.” Shin murmurs back, reaching up to card through your hair with one hand. “You’re pretty good at that.”

You laugh, bury your face in her neck, blushing. She scratches gently at your scalp.

“I think I might love you.” You say quietly, waiting for the regret to hit you. It doesn’t.

“I think I might love you too.” She says back, easy as breathing, and you feel something loosen in your chest that had been wound tight for years. You smile. Press another kiss to her throat.

“Wanna show me?” You ask, cheesy and silly and lovesick. Shin laughs, and you hear eternity. She smiles down at you, presses a kiss to your forehead before rolling you onto your back. You look up at her, breath stolen by her beauty.

“I’ll show you.” She breathes, capturing your lips again, and you let yourself be lost in the wonder of her.

*****

A/N: Holy shit this took a long time to write, and I'm so sorry about that! But it's finally here, and I hope you guys enjoyed it :)

127 notes · View notes