jesibowen

[jesibowen]

maybe someday the ache I feel in my heart for the person who hurt me the most will go away but for now when people ask how I'm doing I just smile and say I'm fine. I wish I wouldn't have to lie about what I'm going through but it just hurts me when I talk about it and tell people about the hell he put me through and how even now I still wish I could have been good enough for him. hopefully soon I can start to feel like I matter and that I'm actually good enough to be loved but for now I just feel like my whole life is a mistake like I was just an accident that I wasn't supposed to be born and if I wasn't a mistake then surly I out lived my expiration date I feel like I was supposed to kill myself a long time ago back when I was still in elementary school it would have actually happened if I know how to do it if I knew how to kill myself back then.

#bipolor #depressing post #tw suicude #breakup

[jesibowen]

I hate this why am I still crying over a man who broke my heart and is already moving on why can't I just get over it and move on I'm done hurting I'm tired of crying but I can't how irritating I gave him everything and all he did was shatter my heart and now I hate him more and more every day

#bipolar depression #depressing post #breakup #heartbrokcnn

[jesibowen]

[jesibowen]

[jesibowen]

i cut my chest open and ripped out my heart just for you... you still didn’t care.. you still didn’t appreciate it.. i just wanted you to care! i just wanted your love!!! it’s okay.. you can’t love someone into loving you.

[jesibowen]

[jesibowen]

Why the fuck do everybody act like they care? I was dying and nobody was there

[jesibowen]

[jesibowen]

never become dependent on anyone else because there will be a day when they are no longer there and your just sitting in a dark room alone not sure what to do or where to go because the one person who promised forever stopped caring so what should you do?? all I know is don't ask me I haven't even made it to a standing position let alone made it out of the room I'm lost and don't know what to do but I don't know is that I never should have leaned on him I should have stood on my own 2 feet and rather using him for support because that got me nothing but heartache due to he couldn't keep his promise and never let a man make the promise of I'll love you till my heart stops beating because that is a flat out lie he doesn't mean it he just said it to get him to love you I was a fool to believe that one I was stupid to believe he truly loved me.

#depressing post #bipolor #men lie

[jesibowen]

[jesibowen]

[jesibowen]

do you ever hear the words why can't you just get over it already. I know I have and I always want to look them in the eyes and say don't you think I would if I could I would like to see you try to get over something that upsets you when you overthink everything and then your anxiety gets involved and makes you panic about it and your depression starts to blame yourself for it even if what upset you was out of your control. you try having your mental state attack you without being able to control you and see how you handle it if you can stay calm. GOD I hate when people think I'm just being dramatic about it. when I seek help they judge me for not being instantly better. Like this shit takes time I'm going over years of trauma just to get better. I just want to look them in the eyes and say go fuck yourself and come talk to me when you have a mental state that attacks you at every moment in your life. that makes you want to kill yourself just to get away from it

#bipolor #depressing post #anxitey #tw suicude

[jesibowen]

I try to take one night to have fun and forget the pain he put me through and he takes that and ruins it and I come back to where I'm staying sad and hurting wanting to cry because of him when he threw me out why can't I just get over him call it off and move on why do I keep letting him drag me down lower why didn't I just stay single I never wanted this heartache all I wanted was one and done now I hold all this anger and all I do is cry when will he decide he is done crushing my heart what more does he want from me he already took all I have to give and then so and threw it in the mud I can't even pick myself up and try to get better because the he just pushes me back down he has hurt me every way possible what more can he do where will it end is my heart some toy to him am I nothing more than a play thing for him to do with as he pleases then move on to something bettermaybe I should just give up because if I'm not good enough for him then I'm probably not good enough for anyone

[jesibowen]

[jesibowen]

[jesibowen]

dont fall in love it's only there for a short time and is only meant to break your heart in the end why would want to go through this heart ache they only tell how good it feels to be in love not how much it can kill you and how much it tears your heart apart I wish I never put my heart through this yes the good parts were amazing and made me feel like I was flying but at the end it made me feel as small and as unwanted as a cockroach they always tell you I'll always love you and I will never give up on you but in the end they always do they always walk away

#depressing post #bipolor #heartbreak #heartbrokcnn

[jesibowen]

well he left me and I feel dead inside if only I was strong to do it I wish I was dead I'm all alone in this world and I always will be and I knew he would give up on me I just knew it I wish I was strong enough to kill myself