itsonlyforawhile

[itsonlyforawhile]

26/08/2021

Happy 24th birthday. I hope that on this day all you are is happy. I hope that you are celebrated and loved. Because I would have wanted to do that for you. In all our ups and downs, we had each others’ backs. But I guess in the recent years, you found someone else to have your back. And I can’t be happier for you. I love that you are loved, missed and cared for. I love that on this day, I know you are loved by people who love you. I wish I could be a part of it, but I promised to stay out of your life. Staying out was the best for us both. And I guess it worked out. I guess like the song goes, even after all this time I'm still into you. It’s funny but I guess you were my favourite hello and hardest goodbye. You meant the world to my heart and you still do. I hope you know that even if we are apart, I’m always wishing you the best. To the brightest, most amazing person who took the biggest part of my heart, happy birthday. Maybe someday, we will be friends again. And I can’t wait to see the day, when we sit next to each other laughing about the days we used to have. I miss you, my partner in crime. Someday, come back will you? Well in the meantime just be happy for me, for us, ok?  Happy birthday veledurk. 

love, me 

[itsonlyforawhile]

That name.

She couldn’t remember much, but the name that hung on her lips. Every story had a way to run back to that name. Every memory, every word. It was as if she was afraid if she stopped saying it, she will forget that name the way she forgot that person. Have you realised how your heart only feels? Well that name made her feel, feel as if she was human and that somewhere in this earth, she could be loved by someone. 

She let that name hang on her lips even though there was no more meaning left, even though that person left a long time ago. She kept that name and talked about it endlessly as if they never left. But she just couldn’t find the courage to tag the name back to that person. She could only hope that someday that person will come back, the way they did in her dreams. The way everything turned out fine and normal. She thought maybe someday it will be like that too. But little did she know that dreams hardly come true and a fool she was to believe that someday it might happen. 

Or perhaps she was just afraid if she didn’t dream, she will realise how that person doesn’t like her anymore. The way she couldn’t let go or look at another anymore. Maybe it was just the fact that she knew, that person didn’t really care for her anymore. The fact that for the next few years of her life, she will always hold on to that name. That name that caused her pain and all the strength in her. 

[itsonlyforawhile]

[itsonlyforawhile]

To whoever loves me next, I’m sorry if I’m afraid of you or if days of flirting turn to radio silence, without warning. I’m sorry if I make you say the words over and over and over until I believe them. (I’m sorry if I don’t believe them.) I will probably spend more time worrying about losing you than I spend trying to keep you. Trouble is, every single time I’ve ever thought something was too good to be true– I’ve been right. Understand, I will know how to be vulnerable with you, but I won’t know how not to regret it. And I have no idea how deep we’ll be into this relationship before I admit I’ve never done this before. Not really. Not in any way that counts. Before I admit that I know how to put my body inside someone else’s but not how to make it beautiful. I probably won’t be easy to love. Too many people loved me badly, I’m not sure I know how to do it right.

Ashe Vernon (via thelovejournals)

[itsonlyforawhile]

After all these time, I saw your face again. 

My heart raced a little, and my blood froze a little. 

I looked at your face again and again. 

I couldn’t really remember the words or your face. 

But I remember replaying over and over again the way I touched you. 

Ever since, I can’t stop thinking about it, how it felt, how much I wanted it. 

My hands kept wanting to get a hold of you again. 

My eyes wanted to see you again. 

My heart wanted to race the way it did again. 

I wanted to hear your voice again. I only wanted to have you there again. 

Every thought of you came whenever I wasn’t occupied. 

But I need to stop, stop my hands from wanting to reach out to you. 

Stop my mouth from wanting to speak to you. 

And my heart from wanting to race. 

Everything felt right, but one thing was missing. 

My smile, the one that always came when I saw you. 

That day it seemed to have disappear just like the love I had for you. 

[itsonlyforawhile]

Isn't it weird how we felt everything and nothing altogether.  How for a moment it felt like we could be forever but the next we can't even look eye to eye. A faint memory of you is what I have left. It wasn't hard to walk away. What was hard came after.  When the empty space you left next to me was all I had to hold.  When the promises you made were my only anchor.  When the time you moved on, I thought you would come back. When I waited for you to come home....you never came I guess you're in your new home now. In the arms of another Home just isn't the same without you anymore

Hopelessly 

[itsonlyforawhile]

Day 362

Here’s a letter to you. A letter that you will probably never see but a letter that maybe someday I will show you. 

We’ve been friends for 6 years, out of the 6, 2 as lovers and the other 4 as strangers. I have to admit you were the hardest I fell for and the hardest to fall out of. But 4 years later, I stand strong that I rather nothing ever started between us. I still care about you and I still hope for the best for you. But please don’t ever be sad, find yourself someone who cares enough to love you the way you should be. Find yourself ways to love yourself in ways no one else could. Find joy in the things that you love to do, not what the world expects you to love. Accept your flaws and that you will never be as good as the person you wish you were, because you are just you, unique and special. I loved the way you were so why can’t you? 

I said it so many times that I am sorry, but we both know one of us had to leave so that we could grow to become better people. I can’t do much for you and truthfully I don’t want to either. Whatever I can do, I will but only on the condition that I don’t have to have any connection with you. I was mad when you told me all those things because it hurt me again. I wanted so much to ask if I could do anything to make it up to you but then I realised that maybe you didn’t really mean those words. I waited 4 years, everyday I thought of you, I thought maybe you did too. To hear those words comforted my heart to know that maybe I wasn’t alone in this, but once again I realised how much it hurt that I had to lower my pride to fulfil what your heart desired. It didn’t hurt because of my pride, it hurt because I gave you a part of me but you were using it for a favor for someone else. Could I have said no? You knew I would never. And I began to wonder, did you already know I would never say no? And that’s when I drew the line, you broke my heart then and you’re still able to break my heart today. I wanted so badly to scream and be mad at you, but I couldn’t and I wouldn’t. The voices in my heart screamed so loudly at me but I knew it must’ve meant a lot for you to ask me. I knew that you had your reason whatever it was. Regardless, this wasn’t the point. 

The point of this was to ask you, to find yourself and love the way you are meant to be. It doesn’t matter if the person you love doesn’t love you the way you love them, as long as you’ve gave your best it’s all that matters. It doesn’t matter if people are cold to you or that they don’t reciprocate your kindness, you’re simply just too kind for the world. It doesn’t matter if you feel like you don’t know who you are because you’ve got a whole lifetime to find who you are, I have seen you as you and honestly I wouldn’t have asked for anything to change. Don’t blame yourself for the things that didn’t work out the way you intended for them to. Everything will fall into place someday. It’s okay to be sad but not okay to be so sad that you cry. You deserve the world, people just don’t see it. It’s okay to be mad but never for too long, being mad makes you grow a little older. It’s okay to have your heart broken once in awhile, you’re only human and hearts they’re fragile. It’s okay to give a part of yourself away to someone who you think is worth it, that’s just how it is meant to be. But if it doesn’t work out, know that the next one might be it. Know that it is okay to ask for help even if it means opening your heart, sometimes the most help we need isn’t what we can see but with the things we can’t see. So please go out there and explore the world, you deserve every inch of it because the world is how you see it to be. 

I will probably never appear near you again and should I do just know that in my heart I am supporting you and that I am glad to have seen you again. You are definitely one of the hardest lessons I have to learn from but also my favourite. I guess this is probably my closure and I hope it is for you too. I never said a proper goodbye and so I guess this is the goodbye I should have said a long time ago. Will I miss you? Definitely, but I guess I just can’t hold on to you on a thin thread anymore. Friends or not, I guess fate will tell. Until then promise me, you will be happier. 

Love, 

me 

#alettertoyou

[itsonlyforawhile]

You told me that the years that had past, gave you some closure. You told me too that you don’t think you can completely say the void in your heart is filled but you will get there someday. I’m sorry I felt nothing about that. I didn’t want you around for a reason and that reason I now understand. I had to say goodbye to you so that I could say hello to myself. I couldn’t have you around and live the way I want to live. I couldn’t have you around and be sad all day. I wanted closure and I needed closure, but I found it through cutting you off. I was sorry I did that to you but I had to. You were my best friend and I loved you beyond that, I couldn’t allow you to leave but i had to set you free. I did miss you over the years, I did think about you still but I know I healed over the pain from you. I gave up because I knew I couldn’t have you. I would have hated myself if I stayed so I didn’t. And here I am again, I’m leaving you once more, because I know this is not what I want anymore. I wish I could have been the same old me, who would comfort you and wish I could do something about it, but that’s just not who I am anymore. I’ll remember your words because I needed it, I needed to know you still cared and that’s enough. It’s all enough, it’s time I move on. So thank you I guess. If money was all it took, I would have used all that I had. I don’t believe in your lies anymore. Goodbye. 

[itsonlyforawhile]

[itsonlyforawhile]

Ghosts 

I saw the faint shadow, the ghost of your past. 

I felt the faint touch and softness. 

“It’s still you.” I whispered under my breath

I tried to grab hold of you but you disappeared. 

My heart broke into pieces, till a dark shadow came, 

picked up a piece and said “do this for me” 

I smiled a little and gladly did.

Like broken things would, it never felt complete. 

Till I saw the darkest of your soul, the ghost of your present. 

It made sense, it should. People don’t just stay the way they were

They change. But I couldn’t, I just couldn’t wrap my head around it. 

Why pick up a piece, only to use me and leave me broken again. 

That’s when I knew, I couldn’t have you anymore. So I walked away again. 

I hid away, mending my broken pieces.

Till I saw another shadow ahead of me. 

This I couldn’t recognize, this I didn’t want to see. 

“Who are you?” I asked.

It was the ghost of your future. 

[itsonlyforawhile]

[itsonlyforawhile]

Toxic. You are toxic. A fool I must be to trust and do the things you tell me to.

A joke I must be to you. Wasn’t cool how you turned around to appease me. 

Your words, I don’t believe anymore. How could you play me like that? 

I’m so mad yet there’s nothing I want to say to you anymore. 

How can you lie like that to get me to do what you want? 

I thought you changed, grew up but I guess people don’t really change. 

It’s going to bother me for sure but I am done waiting for your sorry excuses. 

Done waiting for an answer, a closure. I found one and that is to cut you off. 

You’re no good for me and now I know.

Don’t play me anymore. I never did any of that to you. 

So why me? Dead you are to me from now, no more from you. 

Toxic you were, toxic you still are. 

[itsonlyforawhile]

Where is ____?

Whatever your answer was, whoever it may have been, I’m sure that person or thing must mean a lot to you. The way my answer means a lot to me too. I realized that sometimes you don’t just cut someone away from your life, sometimes you have to let them die from your life to move on. I kept repeating the words “You are dead to me” over and over again because somehow I rather you be dead to me then to harbour any hope that it’ll be okay again. I dreamt of you often. In every one, the subconscious me still loved the non existing you. Today I looked for you in my dreams. And even there I tired so hard to say no. But I ran and I ran after you, trying to look for you. Maybe a part of me wishes that in my dreams, the subconscious me met the subconscious you. Maybe in some weird reality, you are still you. Maybe there we were good. Good is all we can be. I’m sorry.

[itsonlyforawhile]

Fate

I was never a person of destiny and fate

Till fate knocked on my door and destiny chained my feet 

Somehow I feel trapped 

No matter where I go

no matter how hard I tried to hide

I am always pulled back again.  

Someone told me to not let you have a hold on my heart. 

I really tried but I don’t understand why. Why me? 

What wrong have I done to feel all these, yet you have the liberty of feeling nothing at all. 

I shouldn’t have reached out to you, thinking that there could be redemption 

the more I dug, the more I sank 

you couldn’t care less because of the castle you encased yourself in. 

One day, I will break your castle brick by brick. I will tear it apart. 

Till then continue to lift your chin high and encase yourself. 

Mark my words, I am coming for your castle. 

[itsonlyforawhile]

Take time

Lately I’ve gotten to appreciate and take time out. Time to look, to feel, to understand. All these time added up to become a rather long and raw emotional ride. At times I felt eccentric and others I felt a gapping hole. I took time to understand you but I just couldn’t understand how two so very different people ended up like this. But the one thing I just couldn’t wrap my head around was how I felt your absence so strongly. I could not understand and i could not see why, when or even how. Why was it you? When did I? and How could it have been you? You never betrayed me but it felt a lot worse than if you did. I wish you had given me a better reason to hate you maybe than it would have been a little easier to stop thinking about you. 

Funny though, I took time wanting to write about other things but somehow it went back to you. If this was a merry-go-round well I’m not that merry after all. All i feel is myself going in circles after circles, the more I think I am going somewhere, the more i find myself back to you. I’m not mad about it, I guess it just gave me a reason to miss you a little more. A reason to wish you had stayed. 

[itsonlyforawhile]

Wanted

I wanted to hurt you with my clenched up fist 

I wanted you to have a taste of the walls I’ve hit. 

To taste the darkness and pain that bled from my veins. 

I wanted to chain you with those chains, 

the ones that you forgot to unlock when you left. 

I wanted to drag you back to that cave,

that cave where I first saw you. 

Not to relive memories but to blow out the light, 

that you took away from me. 

I wanted to take your empire away, 

the empire you built as I tore mine to pieces. 

I wanted you to have nothing, 

the way you left me with nothing. 

But I couldn’t 

Because hurting you was like cutting the air I breathe.

Hurting you was like stabbing myself. There’s only pain, no blood.  

But truthfully sadly, I would never hurt you, 

#poetry #random #sad

[itsonlyforawhile]

I always said that all I wanted was for you to be happy, and yet seeing you with another person breaks my heart in ways I didn’t know it could break.

I hope you’re happier, even though I’m not the lucky one (via mylifeinajournal)