inmomni

[inmomni]

No. 22

Going on trips makes me feel a certain way. Well I’m not sure if it’s that or the fact that it’s been almost a week since I took my 20mg Lexapro…

Probably more so the trips.

I came across a photo of me from exactly 4 years ago. The first thing that stuck out to me was the fact that I was so thin. Well. In my eyes it looks really good. The moment I showed it to my mom she asked why I liked that photo of myself.

Obviously, I stated, it was because my face looked so good. Skinny, no acne, tan. And god what a sharp jawline.

She then stated, well yes, but you were not okay then.

Which made me think. There is a 3D component to my image of myself that I overlook all of the time. All I look at when coveting the body I had before is the physicality of it all. Smooth jawline and face. But my mom, and I’m sure many of my other loved ones, add this layer of mental stability. This idea that my appearance is all there is to mark well being is such that I still have to break from. And maybe it’s those things that blinded me or rather made it easier to be oblivious to the things causing me pain and suffering at the time. She, my mom, then added “WOW, how amazing would it be if you achieved that now, with a healthier mind and spirit”. She said those things were achievable back then because I was sick. The discord between the duality of outside and inside to me made it easier to forsake one for the other. And it still does. And the dissonance creates unease in my spirit, which then is able to swing the pendulum to the side of least resistance. For me that is a terrible outside and a terrible inside.

The number of combinations are this four-fold.

1. Bad inside - Good inside (pre collapse. Circa 2017/8-2019)

This allows for me, as stated before, the tolerance to keep up a good image, diluting my instincts in a delusion that I am okay. The process is only possible due to the human nature to compare others outsides to our insides. The delusion comes from the fact that I am able to justify that I am okay because everyone else thinks that I am okay.

2. Good inside - Bad outside (post rehab. Circa 2022-present)

After I graduated New Life, I was at my healthiest, mentally. Physically , well I like the phrase that I have been on a nearly 3 year bulk. And while that does hold some truth, the inconsistency comes in the fact that this, was not intentional. It is more of a byproduct of sacrificing one addiction, and well picking up another. Well not really picking up another, rather the lack of stamina for self control. Stamina well spent kicking alcoholism, but nonetheless it gives way for vulnerabilities. I can say that on this trip with my parents I have had amazing and, quite honestly, astounding self control when it comes to complaining and getting irritated at situations that would have thrown me off the cliff into an abyss of terrible terrible decisions and emotions. We become able to do things that once used to baffle us. And for me that comes in the form of not getting frustrated at my family when they try to force feed me, my mother’s occasional complaints, and my father’s, uhh, Korean restaurant manners. My training per say has allowed me to navigate the emotional ups and downs of this trip, keeping my parents out of the chaos that is going on inside of my mind. But all of this is coming at the cost of my physical well being. Well not this trip in particular. The stamina I am talking about is the crux of my frustrations and insecurities. And my unwillingness to deal with it head on is costing me. I can feel it. Again, not discounting the maximum dose of Lexapro I am missing out on, but still it counts for something. Like I stated earlier. This imbalance between my insides and outside is causing emotional rift. It makes me prone to selling myself short on things that I would otherwise have the strength to deal with. And ultimately it will lead to…

3. Bad inside - Bad outside (2019 - 2020 PEAK Alcoholism)

This is what my mind/body/spirit slipped into. My physical condition was something to be concerned about. No joke. Diabetes OUT of control, body bloated, pale, mental stability of a self aware captive goldfish, no defense. This is what the path of least resistance is for me. I fall prey, as many of my species, and most - correction - all things do in this universe: Law of Entropy. Unmanageability, disorder, chaos, is ultimately what my life falls towards if no active steps are taken towards order. It is the sad fact of life, if you want to look at it that way. But it gives way for many opportunities to grow, not just damage control. This is well explored in my genesis and exodus from alcoholism. I don’t feel the need to go into this any more than presenting it as my third.

4. Good inside - Good outside (has never happened YET)

There have been attempts at this. If I am brutally honest, a couple of “good tries”, participation ribbon worthy performances. None have been at the level at which I pursued it like my life depended on it. I tried. Kinda. It was an honerab… good. Okay… Decent. Attempt. Yeah. I bought a subscription to HelloFresh. I tried to cook more healthy. But. It was too. I went from 0 - 100 WAYYYY too quickly. I need to start with chicken. And rice. Something easy. With portion control. My dad gave me good advice to start. Carrots: to keep my mouth busy, and watermelons: to satisfy my sweet tooth. The carrots worked. 110%. The watermelon, I need to figure out how to buy a good watermelon. It’s like gambling I swear. There is the illusion of skill, tapping, but ultimately the grocery store always wins. Maybe I need to shop at Trader Joe’s. Working out has been suboptimal the last 2 months. No cardio. It’s like I am afraid of the commitment. But newfound motivations come from my absolutely humiliating experience trying to hike up a short ass trail at Bryce Canyon. I. Am. Out. Of. Shape. StairMaster. I need it. Daily. Well. I need a schedule. And acne will hopefully get sorted out with Acutane. I am trying to go to church. And I have a new sponsor. Baby steps Inmo. Baby steps.

All this to say. I can’t see myself changing because I haven’t had a different experience before. I have never been in a position where all five infinity stones came together. I’ve had parts at a time, but not together. It’s time. It’s been time. Good I ask for your help. I can’t do this alone. I admit that I am powerless over myself, that when I try to take control, everything becomes unmanageable. I see that you have the power to turn me back to sanity, to have all the pieces fit. So I give my will unto you. So have your way with me and give me the strength to do the next right thing. With all of my fears and sexual insecurities, with my unwillingness to grow, I give them to you. I acknowledge that only you God have the power to take away my defects of character, so make me available to the instances where you will.

God help me. I need you. Lead me into this new season of my life where I am steadily growing. Help me address my fears that keep me stagnant and paralyzed.

Thank you for this time of reflection.

#latenightreflections #rant #notreallyaranttho #self portrait

[inmomni]

No. 21

What has my life come to. December 30th, 2021. Twenty Four years old, and nearly one year sober.

I mean that in a neutrally pensive way. Again, twenty four, sitting at the desk of a work up room where I have been working for nearly 2 years. Not collectively. With a 10 month gap. Due to personal reasons.

Do you know that feeling of passion welling up from your chest, thinking that you really want something, and having a glimmer of hope that maybe you can achieve it? Your head starts spinning with pathways and methods to reach what seemed so unobtainable just a year ago. And you sit back just to marvel and soak in the progress that you have made in the last year.

One year ago, I was sitting in this same chair, vodka seeping out of my pores, marinating the brain last recognized as Inmo. I was a shell of a person, drifting between a set and fabricated reality, 80 proof being the passage between the two. I was set in my ways, transporting my body to and from work, having a period of ten hours where I would clear my mind just enough to exist. As soon as I clocked out, it would signal the beginning fabrication of my reality, starting with a pint of New Amsterdam in a bathroom across the hallway from the office. And from that point, it would just be the same shit. Over, and over, and over again. Same thing every morning. Rinse, wash, repeat:

I woke up with the sound of obnoxious bells in my ear. Five o’ three the screen read. I must have slept through the first 3 minutes of my alarm. My shift started at six thirty but I needed to use the bus to get to Downtown where I worked. With a sigh I propel up my hungover body, set aside the handle I blacked out next to, and climb out of my warm recess. The acid sloshing around in my irritated stomach is palpable, bloated and angry at my decisions from last night, like there was anything new. A familiar sense of nausea hit my body, like a significant other colliding their body lovingly with your own. My heart pangs with thoughts dripping into my consciousness. Too many thoughts. One after another, they keep rushing in. I feel paralyzed as I come to register why I am awake. I need to go to work. Brush your teeth at least, my mind screams. I loathed showers. It took so much time. And frankly. I just did not want to clean myself. So the next best thing would be to brush my teeth to avoid patients asking me if I was drunk (that had never happened). Next put on your scrubs. I carefully guide my limbs into their appropriate places, careful not to dizzy myself too much. I grab my backpack, earphones, and…sigh… an empty pint. I forgot to fill this up last night. I stumble to the top drawer under my desk and reveal a newly purchased handle of Amsterdam Black. The sound of opening a new bottle I think will always have a bittersweet feeling with it: a combination of sweet comfort and a tangible ‘here we go again’. I come to the living room to notice that my grandma is already dressed and waiting. ‘Your Grandpa is starting the car, do you have everything you need?’ she asks. I nod and proceed towards the door. My car had been taken away half a year ago, fueled by my dad’s fear of having his name on my metal casket.  So, it has been buses ever since. My grandparents drove me to the most convenient bus stop every morning right in front of a Carl’s Junior on Redondo Beach Blvd and Crenshaw. The morning air was crisp and cold. The cars along the sidewalk sweating from the brisk air. I pile into a warm car, the cabin roaring with heaters on full blast. It was a happy welcome. Good morning.

The car ride to the bus stop 3 minutes away is filled with my grandfather’s voice chirping about how I need to work hard to get somewhere in life. Every morning was a different flavor of that. Like milk, white, and dark chocolate. I nod, agree, and give him simple physical gestures to show that I was listening, but my head was miles away. We finally pull up at the Carl’s Junior. I step out of the car and wave goodbye. And within a minute they are driving back and I take out a wax pen. I inhale, and suck in every last bit desperately, my fresh air. A warm fuzzy feeling begins to creep over, and I feel like I can let my shoulders down a little. Not more than fifteen minutes have passed since the alarm and every move I made had been for the sole moment the light blinked on my pen. I hold my breath. Exhale. I was home. Some part of the world felt right, my part. The cold didn't bother me anymore, nor did the throbbing pain in my head. My stomach seemed to agree with my solution. The bus arrived at five twenty five.

Lewis Capaldi sings his heart out as passing street lights illuminated the barely waking-up Los Angeles. The bus periodically picked up people much harder working than I was. From the usual chattering hispanic women going to work to the security guards dressed in their large jackets, the bus quickly filled up with daily commuters. I was one of them. What a world I was so oblivious to. I was more accustomed to Northbound 405 commutes and Starbucks. Usually I close my eyes and try to get some more sleep before the first stop, but today I chose to people watch. Off and on people went. Until I arrived at mine. I got off at Crenshaw/Wilshire. Six o’ nine my screen read. Which bus was going to come first today: the 20 or the 720. I prayed for the 720. The 20 was a twenty-four hour running bus that was filled with folks avoiding the winter cold. And it smelled. But that was all left up to chance. The 720 rolled up. Thank God. Today’s going to be a good day. But, what was a good day anymore? The thought rolled off my shoulder as I stepped onto the odorless bus. I shut my eyes and dive into my head. Just feel for a right turn, that's when my stop is here. I think of all sorts of things. ‘Where is my life going?’ I would start.  Well, another day another bottle. I wonder if today is the day my stomach bleeds, OH wait, I might puk- never mind I’m good. Burp once, then again, okay. I’m okay… I wonder what she is doing. I hope she is doing okay. How am I on weed supplies? How am I on diabetic supplies, not that I care, but, I don’t want to be extra nauseous. I wonder when I will stop this hell. This is hell. I hate myself. What am I doing? God. Where the fuck are you. How can yo- Oh, there’s the right turn. I open my eyes. And sure enough there is the bus stop. Right in front of my liquor store. I’ll see you later. Chugging on my vape I hobble over to my workplace. I passed by a Filipino takeout shop. I still need to check this place out. They always had the door open in the morning with smells flooding though and cookware clanging “good morning” to those passing by.  I walk by Good Samaritan Hospital, and then building 1245. It is a new building, with a modern exterior, I was proud of where I worked. It looks really professional. I walk through the automatic sliding doors, slip on my mask, pass the familiar security guard, and head up to the third floor. I just hoped I didn’t reek of alcohol. Burp once, then again, now take a deep breath. Open up Paycom and clock in. The clock reads six twenty-six. The elevator buttons had a nice click to them as I pressed ‘UP’. The doors slide open and I quickly enter and make a right, my hand darting in front of me to press floor 3. Fuck. My stomach. Burp, suck in more air, burp again. Smell it, well it doesn’t smell that bad. You’re okay. Different day, same shit, you got this. The elevator doors slide open and I walk up to the door. Office number 320. Let’s get it. I open the front door to see Erika already at her desk. “Hello! Good morning” I say full of energy with a side of a grin. “Good morning Inmo, how are you?” and ensues a simple dialogue of what doctor is working today, and how the clinic is going to go. Room C is my room. I head in and set my backpack down below my desk. In that moment, my value, my self worth is deposited into me. This shell suddenly comes to life, and for the ten hours, I am capable, dependable, responsible. I make people laugh, provide comfort for the anxious, and pack into the stream of life. Ten hours. That is all I am allotted a day. Four days a week. Ten hours to be human, to forget, to live.

The day starts with the first chart hitting the metal rack in the cabinet. First patient is here. I am going to be the one that does all the work. I am the best worker. I know that. And honestly at this point, I don’t mind. If there is going to be anything in my life that needs me and needs what I can bring to the table, I am going to take it. Again, I only get ten hours to live every day. “Hi good morning! My name is Inmo and I am going to help you see the doctor today. So have there been any changes to your vision since your last visit?”; “Hola, buenos días! Me llamo Inmo y voy a preparar vayas al doctor hoy. ¿Cómo está su vista desde la última vez?” ; “안녕하세요! 제 이름은 인모입니다. 오늘 의사 보는 거 도와 줄게요. 보이는 것에 변함이 있으세요?”

And so it goes. Twenty patients in when I realize that my phone reads two o’ five. Well, I guess I am not eating lunch again. Too much to do, my brain says. It’s not like I could stomach anything anyways. I was still nauseous, my intake of nicotine was my meal for the day. The thoughts that swirl around in my head cross into my consciousness in between every patient that I work up. It’s when I sit down after taking their OCT’s that I plop back into my rolling chair, whip out my vape from my pocket, inhale, hold, hold… then exhale out and it all comes flooding back. I miss her, I wonder what she’s doing right now. I wonder what my friends are doing right now. I wonder what things would be like had I not lied for 2 hours that morning. She knew. She definitely knew. She just wanted me to say it. So why… Why did I do- so stupid. It was our 3 year anniversary. I had cooked a very nice dinner, I think. It was in the middle of COVID-19. June 5th, 2020. And I stayed the night. And the entire day I was antsy because I knew that I was not going to be able to drink the way that I wanted to. Or smoke for that matter. I had relapsed on marijuana in February, so by this time it had been 4 months. I had been hiding it. It was last October when I had promised her that I would cut off smoking weed. A whole ordeal was what it was. She cried, I cried. It was something that she has been waiting for and wanting for me for a long time. And, once I put down the weed, came the bottle the very next day. Well not really the next day, it's just what I say, but that same night I picked up a small 200ml bottle of Bacardi and had a spiritual revelation that wow, this shit does the same thing… Why haven’t I done this earlier? And that was the way it was every night. It took me some time to get a feel for how much would be the perfect amount each night. Whether that be until I blacked out or when in the morning I would not remember how I came to go to sleep. The first time that I realized that I had relieved myself someplace other than the bathroom in the midst of a blackout I was shocked. I had never done anything like that before. I was always the guy that prided himself on not doing stupid shit when blacked out. I just go to sleep! I would always say. If I drank too much, I would just pass out. No, that was not my experience now.

Mind you I am saying “the first time I…”. The following days I would proceed to pick a spot in the living room, the hallway, other corners of my bedroom, etc. I probably didn’t even hear about all of the instances that happened. This evolved into walking into my sister's bedroom and claiming her bed as my own and eating my grandma’s book, yes eating. A book. Now my theory is that I was feeling low, blood sugar wise, and in a blacked out rage I found the most nutritious thing that would satiate my need for sugar: a book. Crazy. And I ended up yelling at my grandma. My dad told me in the morning that she was a little shaken up. He was waiting at the foot of my bed in the morning. Wasn’t the last time that had happened, but man, do I never want to experience that feeling again. Oh, and I also ate some Liquid Gel Advil. I had a chemical burn on my tongue for two weeks; I could not taste anything. And through all of this bullshit, I was still with her. The scope of what she knew, I am not sure of to this day. She knew that I was drinking at night. She knew I was not smoking weed. And that was about it. It was either in February or April where her grandpa was sick, and pretty much on his deathbed in Hawaii. She flew out to visit him, but regulations in Hawaii had her self quarantined for two weeks prior to walking about the state. So, she was away for an extended period of time. We had not spent that much time apart before, so this whole thing came with a breath of fresh air for an alcoholic like me. I think collectively in our relationship, through three years we only spent a collective two months apart. We spent every day that we could together. So in an alcoholic rage, having that buffer taken away, I dove full into my addiction. I was blacking out every day, and at one point, the thought entered my mind: I would love some fucking weed right now. And that was all it took. In an hour I had a wax pen and some bud delivered to my door. And before I knew it, I was blazed, warm, and happy, while my oblivious girlfriend twenty five hundred miles away was coping with the fact that her grandpa was about to die. Great guy I was. The best boyfriend. Fuck. Well- “Hey Inmo can we get translation in room 3?” Allyson comes barreling in. “Yeah, I’ll be right there” Fuck I hope she didn’t see the smoke coming out of my mouth… Saved by some korean grandma who is in dire need of familiarity in the chair of a white walled building, doctor with needle in hand.

It was one of the things I was proud of while working: I could translate for Korean and work up a patient in Spanish. Able to communicate in three different mediums I was more of an asset than my fellow peers. And it was in this job that I found that my craving for attention and feeling needed was satisfied. I was recognized. And I was seen as valuable. I check my phone for the time. It reads two thirty four. Three more hours. Behind the time, I catch a view of my wallpaper. “Please get sober” it reads. It’s a picture of a handwritten note that I had received from her a month after we broke up. Fuck. Am I going to do this again? I dust off my thoughts to the side. With my mind turned off and picking up charts, the time flew by, punctuated by inhales of nicotine and AFK Arena. I often stayed way later than what was required of me. My co-workers may have seen that as “diligence” or “hard working”. I just wanted to prolong my time awake, my time participating in this society as a productive member. The moment I clock out is the day I cease being a human. Just a shell. Nothing more, nothing less. Unfortunately nothing less.

When all was said and done for the day, a simple wave and smile as I departed the office signal the reprieve winding down to the seconds.  Open the door, walk 4 seconds to the right, then, in the door. Flip the lock, and breathe. I transformed that small single bathroom into a sanctuary. All the necessary tools for my ceremony were in place. Fuck I forgot to buy a chaser during lunch; that’s right, I didnt have a lunch. Oh well. I whip out my packed pint, sit on the toilet, vape in hand, and take a deep breath. Breathe in, burp once, then again, and one more breath, exhale. Opening the bottle is one of the most exciting things that I do in a day. I feel my body ready, it's been waiting for this all day. Since the moment I woke up with a banging hangover to the start of my shift, now to the end. If I found myself thinking that I needed to quit at a certain point in the day, well, that sentiment was well over with. I need this, my head screams. Why do I need this? Why do I find myself in this position every single day? Fuck me. I take a couple more deep breaths. No chaser, let's go; down this shit. And up it goes. Gulp once, twice, three times. Okay don’t gag, and then last one… and it's gone. Well done Inmo. The pleasant feeling of liquor warming my stomach overwhelms me. And my breathing suddenly feels enough. My ringing head is now at peace. I can think. Wow. This is why I do this. I check the time on my phone: six o’ four. I am able to stare at my wallpaper without guilt. It’s just a picture.

I rinse out my mouth with my water bottle, and pack my things, throw on my jacket, and walk out of the sanctuary. It is just a bathroom now. I hop on the elevator and take it down to ground level. And with my eyes locked on the sliding doors, I walk confidently out, no one able to catch onto the fact that I had just downed an entire pint of vodka. On an empty stomach, the relief comes much quicker, or maybe it was my obsession being satisfied, but I was content. It is those first few minutes when you feel the warmth creep up over your shoulders, starting from the base of your neck to envelope your chest. The tinge of the sky becomes different and instead of this cold pale world, suddenly it is full of possibilities. I could go to Beverly Hills and eat a steak or over to Venice and pick up weed and smoke on the strand. Or, or go explore the city with the skyscrapers keeping watch over me. So many things to do, but we both know what the narrative is. I hop on a Bird scooter, pay the fare, and zip over to 7th and Flower St. The Silver Line stops there. I don’t really care if I wait, I think as I refuse to check the bus app. The fuzzy feeling now wraps around me like a warm blanket, like those Gravity Blankets that weigh twenty five pounds, but in a good way. I snuggle into my augmented version of reality. This is it. I have arrived. None of the thoughts that once invaded my mind’s eye exist anymore. Not even as past events, but rather a distant memory as if you were thinking of that one time a seagull and a pigeon went at it in the school quad: so more or less never. What did I want to add to my experience? A taco perhaps? A new t-shirt? As I deliberated with my now emerging drunken self, a voice came in: You never end up doing anything anyways. Here’s the plan: Al Pastor tacos from the stand, only two, eat it quick not to throw up, hop on the next bus, and get home to the cocoon you call your bed. Throw on a show and set up your mobile gaming station to level up your current reality. Sounds great. Now THAT is a plan. You know, for thinking of such a sound plan I end up tipping the taco man an extra two dollars for the hell of it. He’s doing God’s work, feeding a drunken man his first meal, good for him. See he’s doing things in life.

I am on the 910 heading to Harbor Transit Center about a twenty five minute ride. My AirPod Pro’s have a weird clicking in them, actually it’s just my left one. I remember reading an article saying there was a manufacturing error and that they will replace the earbud if I contact them. That's great.. I had looked up the prices for a replacement one several months ago. Eighty dollars, can you believe it? I'll do that later. I had read the article a month prior.

I check my phone screen: seven o’ clock. Nice. I catch a view of the lines of the paper on my wallpaper. I refuse to look at the handwritten words. I make a mental note of that. The bus comes around the last ramp to get off of the 110 S onto the bus station. All the passengers are bustling getting ready to get off to the next step of their destination. Like I am. The 344 bus is always a hit or miss. At this point in the schedule it comes once every hour. It’s fine. I have a portable charger, earbuds, and my wax pen. I feel drunk enough, probably a 5/10, and smoking will prolong it a little. I’m good. The truth is, I would welcome the possibility of watching the bus drive away as I step off of mine. The truth is. I don’t want to go home. Why would I want to? Nothing is there for me other than a cavern for me to recede back into until I need to work again. No sort of entertainment, growth, comfort. Comfort for me is bought, at nineteen ninety five at the liquor store right behind the bus stop, going by the name of Amsterdam Black. A beautiful 100 proof ticket out of my miserable life. All I am doing is passing the time. Until I need to go to work. And then…  The 344 bus pulls up within three minutes. It’s the end of the line, so there is a 10 minute period where the driver is switched and the bus is checked, inventoried, and disinfected (very minimally). I use this time to flip through Facebook’s neverending reel of videos, take my last minute valley chops, and readjust my reality to provide a little more comfort, warm fuzzies. Here we go.

I step on the bus with several other commuters that look anxious to get to their destination. Good for them. Probably a loving family and a hot meal to go home to. I had that as well. But why was I feeling so different? We spin around the transit center, out onto the street, and the bus roars towards Artesia Blvd. The bus turns right. Thank god. There were many times when the bus turned left, and the unsettling feeling of realizing that I boarded the wrong bus trickled in. This was when I first got my car taken away. I remember the first time I rode the bus was when I did a practice run. In my alcoholic wisdom, I knew that I was bound to mess it up. And I did: twice. The first time I failed to realize that the way you choose which direction you go is the side of the street where traffic flows towards your destination. Who knew? I waited in front of the Burger City Grill, a wonderful burger joint. I stood at the wrong side and proceeded to go the wrong direction, for several stops actually until I decided something was just not right. I got off about 5 stops later, and instead of walking to the other side of the street to then wait for the correct bus, I thought it would be a great idea to walk back. To the beginning. Instead of taking the- you get the point. Thirty minutes later I was back in front of Burger City Grill, sweating from my half frustrated, half frantic walk. I waited twenty five more minutes, this time standing in front of the library on the other side to proceed east to Harbor Transit Center. The bus arrives, and I hop on. This one, this time I got it. We are arriving at Crenshaw Blvd when the bus starts to get into the left lane. This isn't right… You have to go three miles down on Artesia Blvd to get to the bus stop. Why are we… Wait… What number is this bus? 210. 2fucking10. I need the 344. What the. I could have swor-. I hadn’t checked the bus number. What the. How could I not. Tip #1 for ‘Noobs on the bus’, check which direction you wish to head and make sure to stand on the appropriate side of the street. Tip #2, always check the number of the bus you are choosing to ride prior to stepping on. This experience yells nothing more than a privileged middle class kid getting a taste of the tangible fruits of my naivety. Anyways.

The bus pulls up in front of Burger City Grill. Great. I am almost home. I grab my bag and step off the bus into a chilly environment. I should buy a bottle of Amsterdam. I don’t really remember how much I have left. I head behind BCG to find Lucky Dog Liquor. As soon as I walk in, the Korean man behind the counter smiles and reaches for the black capped bottle. Fuck, he knows. “The usual?” he asks. “Yes please, thank you.” I wonder if he knows I’m an alcoholic. I mean, I come in here every single day to buy something. You think he feels guilty? I mean selling to the same guy probably knowing he has a problem? It’s his job I guess, and who is he to ask questions, ya know? Nineteen ninety five. “Have a nice day!” I casually say as I am halfway through the door. I look over to the burger joint and deliberate whether today was one of those days where I was going to buy some zucchini fries or an order of loaded fries to go with my vodka. No, not today. I can barely keep this taco down. Each burp was a testament to that, acid levels rising and sloshing around as I smell the fumes coming up my esophagus. And with that I head past BCG and the dentistry as I walk into my neighborhood.

I walk two blocks down Yukon Ave, staying on the left side of the street, and turn left at the intersection. 171st St. I remember writing down my address as a small kid and thinking it was so funny how there were two “St” in my street address and how that seemed so hectic. Both meant different things, and it was decided that it was not redundant with the simple fact that one of them was capitalized. Off topic. It’s getting dark as I walk up into my driveway and pass my car covered with a tarp; out of service. I get it. I would be killing people on the streets if I was driving like this right now. Rather, I’m surprised nothing of that nature really came up for me in the past. Well, I did get into car crashes, but not due to being belligerent drunk. Same same. I fumble my keys and choose the right one for the slot standing in front of me. As I walk in the door, the familiar smell of kimchi and bean paste fill the air. My grandma comes to greet me with a smile “Hi welcome home! Did you have a good day at work? You must be so tired and hungry! Did you eat?” she would exclaim in korean. “Yes grandma, I did, I am okay, I am going to head into my room now. Thank you” laced with the last of my cordialness, like squeezing out the last of the toothpaste when you know you should have bought some more a week and a half ago. I walk into my room. Dark and cold. Everything is still, unmoved since the morning. My bed still held the impression of my body rolling out of bed 14 hours ago. As I pull out my phone from my scrub pocket, I catch the time seven forty five. Yep, it's been about fifteen hours since I woke up and went to work. What a day. But it was like any other day. I strip off my scrubs, backpack, and empty my things. Toss the laundry into my hamper, and I am feeling marginally better than usual, so I decide to shower. I take off my pants and shirt, leaving me in my boxers. This will be the first one this week. It’s Tuesday. Last Saturday I mustered up the courage to stand before the showerhead to cleanse myself. Let's take a shot to celebrate. It was a half joke, and half “wow my hand is already opening the bottle.” That crisp sound of the metal cap being torn away from the lower ring warmed my body. I take out the dusty shot glass I keep above my desk cabinet and pour one out. Cheers. One then calls naturally for two, then probably another just to make sure. I then plop myself down on my bed and start looking through Facebook. Stupid Youtubers, funny reels, hot girls, polical news, anime clips, same kind of shit huh. By the time I come up for air, thirty minutes have passed. Eight fifteen the clock reads. I should really get in there. I am going to stink tomorrow. This argument goes back and forth for 5 minutes, with the occasional interruption of. Anyways.

The time is already ticking away and I found myself six shots in and still deliberating whether I should take a shower or not. Fuck. I will…just do it later. Later. I will. Yeah. I don’t think that is going to happen today. And the moment I accepted that, this anxiety left me, and I felt okay, unrestrained, free. Let’s take another shot. Seven. By this time, the thought of being dirty from a day's work did not bother me at all. I opened the windows, took a fat rip of my vape, turned on the ceiling fan, and rolled myself up in bed. I put on an anime and poured myself another shot. Eight. I don’t even know what these people are saying. My eyes at this point are so tired and drunk that I see double. I really try hard to read the subtitles. I can’t. God what’s the point. I forfeit myself to sleep.

I check the time. Five o’ two… Fuck.

Rinse, repeat.

And that is my life. So small. Nothing to show for. I have a degree, a full time job, what can be played off as a general plan for my future, but… for what? I had no substance. All I desired in life was to…drink. Exist and watch time pass. But at the same time I didn’t want that either. The horror of finding myself later in my thirties, being still in the same position that I find myself in this very waking moment, terrifies me. Better to die than to have that. I thought that way about a lot of things. Thinking of dying became more so of a cop out than a real desire of mine. It was a cushy promise of release, much more appealing than going through the work of changing my situation. I heard it at an AA meeting once where the speaker said “I don’t think I wanted to die, but I think that I just wanted to go to sleep for a very long time, and just wake up with a clean slate.” That was it. That's me. I didn’t want to do the work that would result in a clean slate. But I just wanted to have one. To not have diabetes. Or really to wake up with the perfect routine of managing my health and a newfound desire to keep myself healthy. To wake up to my ex-girlfriend right beside me without all of the screaming and yelling. I wish... 

Oh. It’s cold outside. 

[inmomni]

No. 20

Dear _____. 

8/4/2020 - 5:50pm

It's been 2 days since we ended things...

I miss you already. 

I've been listening to music nonstop. 

I feel like I am the biggest simp, but idk if you knew that since ive been with you since the time I knew you. I realized that with everything that happens in my life that is noteworthy, I really want to share it with you. I have been recently training to follow the Korean doctor. And I've been really wanting to tell you. It's been hard hahaha. The work. Well everything else too but the work specifically. I have to keep like 7 timers in my head at all times and think of the best way to order those timers and future timers, while at the same time listening to everything going on in the background, and literally everything. So I'm learning slowly hahaha. Today was day 2 of training. For the week. So I'll be training next week and practicing when I can. Anyways. Things are hard. Overall. I called up Kris and Ian yesterday. After work. Honestly. I decided to drink and smoke after work. I know that goes against what... What I need to do to get back to you. But. I. It just hurts to much. And. Yeah. I miss you so much. I'm at tears when I'm thinking about it. Honestly this training at work couldn't come at a better time. I'm trying to jump start myself to help train to get better at following the doctor. So I'm trying to work more hours and practice as much as I can. But honestly this is just at work. When I get home I just collapse. I don't have the energy to face my family. Nor do I want to talk to them. Idk. After we ended things. I called my dad to come pick me up.

That was a mistake. 

I just felt more alone at that point. He had to go get gas and wanted me to order food from Kokos to-go to take home but. That delayed the trip 1 hr and I was dying the entire time. And we got home and he thought that a beer was going to fix it. But he was just trying to control the situation as he normally does. And my mom didn't get it. Idk. She.   

Gah I'm starting to think I'm deaf. Or crazy. Cause I try listening.  But I just don't feel like they get it. Maybe it's my insecurities. Idk. 

But I can't help but keep thinking if you're okay. If you're safe. 

If you're surrounded by people you love. Maybe I'm giving myself too much credit to how much I meant to you. But that may just be my insecurity again. 

I wish I wasn't so in my head. I wish I wasn't so weak. I wish I could just run towards what I knew was important right now.

I feel so broken.

But I know I can't feel like that. 

And I can't afford to feel like that. 

And I can't get you back if I do feel like this. 

But I do. 

And I don't know. How to pick myself up 

To love myself. 

Even right now I'm killing myself in my mind for being drunk right now. For being high right now. In the middle of a park. After work. Without anyone knowing. Other then you I guess. I don't think I am worthy of being loved. Idk. It's been harder to think otherwise after we ended things. Which isn't what the plan was. But. Idk. 

I miss you. 

8:45pm

I'm on my way home now. I told my family that I'd be hanging out with my friends but I was alone all day. Other than calling Caleb. I talked to him for about an hour and half. But I was just exploring LA myself after work. Echo Park is really pretty. If we. We should try to go there some day. I think you'd really like it. Idk. I'm simping on the bus too. Idk. Sigh. This sucks. I miss you. 

8/6/2020 - 5:19pm 

Hi. 

   I miss you.

       It's weird. 

           It comes in waves... 

       It doesn't just sit. But its always in flux, 

   getting bigger and bigger, then suddenly grinding to a halt - leaving me dazed and heavy, as if all of the inertia of emotions crash into the front of my head. Lifeless. Suppressed  by vacancy. I'll think of things. Like Disney. Cause one of my patients. Yeah...

I haven't talked to my parents in a couple of days. I've been in my room constantly. I haven't felt this alone before. And maybe I'm sick because I still don't think anyone gets it. And. I wish I could just fix this and come back to you. I'm cleaving onto work. Its going by quickly these days. I feel dead inside. And I can't imagine what you must be feeling. Maybe. This is my way of self harming by thinking like this. But I'm thinking that you're okay, not torn up, which doesn't make sense. But throughout the day I'll get thoughts that you don't care. Which undermines how much you must be hurting right now but. 

8/9/2020 

Dear _____, 

It's been now a week since we ended things. And I know I said that I'd contact you after to kind of close things out but. Honestly. I can't bring myself to call or text you right now. Love I'm such a wreck right now. Even you'd be shocked if you saw. I don't know how to do this.  It's been harder to breathe lately. My chest feels heavy and tight. I'm just thinking if you're feeling the same. Or if you feel lighter.

8/12/2020 

Dear _____. 

I've tried to quit like 3 times in the past week. And I've made so many deals with myself. 

I am starting to feel hopeless. Well I don't know. Everything hurts. I'm trying to work more. But that just fills up time. Everything. Hurts. I feel. I miss you so much. I miss you so much. My lungs feel raw with every breath. 

8/13/2020

Dear ______. 

I'm at work right now, and I was doing okay, but I just heard your ringtone for the first time since. My stomach is on the floor right now. Hahaha I just. Stopped in my tracks. It hurts a lot. 

I finally changed my wallpaper today. 

It's funny that I keep writing these. Maybe I'm hoping I'll be able to show you one day. I don't know. I need to go back to work. 

Hey. I'm off work now. I was just thinking. I imagined the worst case scenario for us. You know. I get heavily addicted. You know the rest. But I never could have imagined. I mean I knew it would be miserable. But. Honestly. 

I didn't think. That it would literally hurt to breathe every single time. Or that things that remind me of you wouldn't just be a memory, but a bullet wound. Wincing at everything that reminds me of you. Today, every time there was a bad patient, a wonderful one with whom I had a long and meaningful conversation. You were part of all of it. And I didn't even get to... Maybe it's. I did know it when I had it, maybe I just miss it so much since it's gone. Maybe I did think you'd be there always. I don't know, I know that I didn't think that. And I talked to myself like that so I wouldn't take advantage of you. But. I don't know. Just thinking you're not going to be there. Or that you might not. My heart breaks. Every time I think of you. I just blocked you on Facebook. I've been noticing you've been posting pictures of you and Yoshi. It's been hard to think that you're.... Deleting me from those memories. Cause. Yeah. I hope you're doing okay. I don't know if you are. You're probably not. But my mind is telling me that you are doing the best you have in 3 years. Because I'm not with you...

I've been hating myself more these days. 

Baby I miss you so much. And I hate myself for not being able to get out of this. What. What if I finally get into a facility. And get clean the expensive way. And I do all of this. And...and. You moved on.

I haven't been trusting myself that I love you for a long time. Because I haven't dated. And the things you'd tell me. About how your ex's would do things and always want to be with you. But I wasn't like that so you didn't feel wanted. But. I finally think that I know. 200% now that I do love you and you were the one for me and I was thinking of that all along. Cause of how much it hurts right now. Because of how much... Mindy I want to die. I don't have any hope right now. I don't. And I'm trying to find it. 

I need someone to help me. I can't do this on my own... I can't do this anymore... I don't know what to do anymore... 

8/15/2020

Dear _____. 

I was hospitalized yesterday again. For DKA again. I wish you were there. I was in so much pain, like the most I've felt in a while. And in a way. I kind of miss it right now. Except for the nausea. And the vomiting. But the pain. Finally seemed to match my feelings inside. I tried really hard to not blow up at people. But. I. It's hard. Cause... I don't know what's wrong with me. I hope you are drawing people closer to you. Not like me. 

I blew up at Kris and Ian too yesterday. We were supposed to go to Joshua tree. But. I didn't know we were going. I didn't want to go. And I got hospitalized. And I was so stressed. And they were trying to get me to them to go. And it was just so. Stressful. I came home by Uber. I needed insulin cause these dimwits at the hospital were pumping me with glucose and not insulin for like over an hour. And that made me so angry. And it made me realize that I don't feel heard with anything. And I realized that. You were the only one I felt safe with. I just didn't know it either because I was on guard so much. You did make me feel safe. But my experience with every other person, namely my dad, made my insecurities something else. I couldn't stop crying last night. I. I screamed at my dad yesterday. I was so. He was literally ignoring what I was saying right in front of me. Like I was so stone cold sober that I could see everything. And all the potential damage over the years. Literally he asked me what I needed from him. And I told him. And he. It's literally the shit I did to you. But he didn't get it. And he never will. I saw that so clearly yesterday. And. After reflecting on all my relationships other than you. I have never fully opened up about my hurt since Caleb in highschool. Other than you and Caleb and not even Caleb, there was no one that took the time to understand or be there for me. My mom was dealing with her own shit. No one at church cared. My dad never understood. And I would lie to myself saying that he did understand and he did hear me. But year after year I still was not understood. Maybe I'm just crazy as shit. Deranged as shit to this point where I can't trust anyone. And I don't know what to do. What do I do with all of this hurt and pain. Why is God not showing up. If he's supposed to be the father that understands all, all of human experience. I wonder if he understands how to be a diabetic. Or if all the relations are indirect. What it's like to constantly be under stress. Or. Maybe his shit was worse. So that's that. I mean. Your mom died. And you had to deal with that. By yourself. Isolated. I can't imagine what that must have been like. Then to add additional trauma. Who am I. Right? What is my shit compared to you. Or my dad. Probably feeling abandoned by my grandparents. Came to the states. And had to provide for himself all throughout college. Never taking handouts. And graduated and built this life for himself. Or my mom. Dealing with mental illness when no one else understood. Or knew of that. Who am I. I'm just some insignificant little shit who can't deal with the world and has to stay high all the time to do or function. Otherwise I get swallowed by my thoughts. But no one gets that. 

Since I've been so high functioning.  

That's my. That's what people know me as. Any less. It's. Not acceptable. And I'm not doing my best.

Maybe I just can't deal with it. Maybe I can't deal with anything. My brain is just so soaked in shit. 

I miss you. 

I need- I miss you. 

8/16/2020

Dear _____. 

I've nearly succeeded in pushing everyone away from me. It hurts. But at the same time. It feels right. I feel protected and so exposed at the same time. 

I'm waiting on people to give up on me. Maybe so then I could kill myself and it wouldn't be so bad. That whole idea of... Yeah.

Today marks 2 weeks since. And things have just gotten worse. And I don't know what to do.  I've been crying a lot lately hahaha. Like a lot. Like I'll just burst any given second. I don't want to be here anymore. 

I don't want to keep hurting and struggling. Am I pathetic for not being able to handle this? If I die, will it justify everything I'm saying? Or further solidify the fact that I was just some mentally incapable fool that did nothing but waste resources. 

8/21/2020 - 11:45am 

Dear _____. 

This is actually the first time I've been awake without being awake for work. 

I've been...avoiding. To say the least. This week has just been work. Literally. I did nothing else other than work. I'm getting trained to follow for Dr. Roe. I had my first afternoon doing it on my own hahaha. I think the doctor likes me. He's been teaching me too how to scribe for him and stuff. More work on his part so I appreciate it. But it also means he's okay with me being his assistant too. 

Why can't I find the same validation I find in work in everything else. At work. Well. I don't know actually.  Maybe I'm working so hard because I'm so afraid of being useless.

But. 

I've been.  I hope you're doing better than me. I really mean that. I've been crying all week. I still. 

Baby I miss you. And I'm so ashamed to face you at this point. I just. Part of me hopes you threw me away at this point. 

I'm really fucked up. And. I don't see. I don't have any hope. And I have been. Trying. In my own way. In. Fuck. Like I have been. GOD. WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO JUSTIFY THAT. I HAVE BEEN IN SO MUCH PAIN. AND THE ONLY THING I. AYE. MEEEE. I CAN HELP COPE IS TO BE ASLEEP. DRUNK. UNCONSCIOUS. BECAUSE. I AM IN THAT MUCH PAIN. and why do I feel like no one gets that. 

I've cut off my parents. That's new. I tried. With my dad. I really did. I realized that. I really wanted to trust him. And I did trust him. To carry me. To be there for me. Cause I didn't. I didn't trust anyone else. I kept all my eggs in one basket cause I remember thinking: "if I really am backed into a corner, my dad will understand." 

Well fuck that. And that's where my insecurity came from. I have fucking daddy issues. 

And. I. I'm just tired. Ian and Kris are i don't know, fucking butt hurt. I'm not talking to my parents. Caleb and Tony. Don't make me laugh. Rob. Same shit. Josh. I don't know. 

I am alone. 

I've been listening to Someone You Loved by Lewis Capaldi on repeat. 

I know. What a fucking simp 

Yeah. 

"I'm going under and I feel this time there's no one to save me."

That's the first line.

8/27/2020

Dear _____. 

I just passed by Anza and Del Amo on the bus. I don't know if you know... You probably don't lol it's an intersection that I pass driving to Adrianne's house. My heart is still. Hurt. And raw. I know I haven't written in a while. But I think I tried to stop thinking about you. It didn't work obviously. But. Yeah. I went to SJ last weekend to hang out with Caleb, Josh, and Tony. It's interesting. Tony is more of a person I can talk to now. He's at a place in his life where he is trying to become a better person. Be someone that he loves himself and is proud of, prioritizing his own happiness and finding ways to accomplish that. Josh is in the process of recovering from a toxic environment. His startup failed and apparently he had a bad relationship with his business partner Felix. 

I don't know. Just. After thinking and focusing on my pain so much. I came to realize, I don't know if this is the right way but I came back to the point of saying that "my shit is in a sea of shit." Not in like a bad way I think, meaning that I am acknowledging my own hurt, but now the question shifted from "fuck everyone else and look at my pain" to "I want to scream and yell and make everything about my pain, but literally everyone is going through something and has gone through something, so... 

Now what. 

What do I do with my pain while still surrendering the selfishness I so desire and want to exude. What is the mature way to go about handling my pain, even when everything is so painful. Even when I'm contemplating going to a facility. 

8/28/2020 - 5:30am 

I'm going to work. 

I was really low in the middle of the night and stupidly I asked my dad for help again. And seeing things, how he's going about his protocol... I'm tired. I feel like a piece of shit. 

8/28/2020

Dear _____. 

I just finished work and I'm waiting for my last bus in Torrance. I don't know what to say to you. I've been rehearsing a message in my head for so long. I don't know how it will come off to you. Tomorrow is a. Significant day for you. And I don't know if I should text you or not. Or try to call you. 

It's the day your mom passed away. And I made sure to have it in my phone to remember every year. And I just got the notification. And my heart is now heavy. I've been dying for the past month. Since we ended things. Like. I feel like I know myself more but at the same time I don't know what I am becoming. I'm so full of anger and resentment towards my family and my past that I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I have just been sedating myself. Day after day so I don't think or feel. Now I'm listening to a song called "Lost without you" by Freya Ridings

8/30/2020

Dear _____. 

I. am full of so many emotions. but that isn’t your fault. 

9/3/2020

Dear _____. 

Time is going so slowly. Addiction sucks because even when you want to stop. Even. when you're so disgusted in yourself, you can't. I'm hungover right now at work. Because I couldn't sleep last night. And I am hating myself for it and wondering what the hell I'm going to do at home. I just want to fast forward to... I don't even know what to look forward to anymore. I'm beyond nauseous. I hate nausea. I'm so tired. Of micromanaging my mood. My body. How I feel. I just want it to stop. Everything. 

Just stop. Silence. Peace. Calm. 

9/16/2020 - 11:20pm 

Dear _____, 

I miss you 

But that’s normal. You were my best friend, my person, for over 10% of my life, and quantifying it that way just makes it seem a lot more significant. But honestly, i don’t know if we’re doing this right, well I don’t know period, but. Its hard, just re-reading what you sent me, and I don’t know if you feel the same way either with what I wrote. I talked to Roy today about, well, everything I couldn’t tell anyone for a couple weeks now. I- well, he mentioned that moving out and getting out of this environment might be something that I should consider as its something within my grasp and something that I can control. 

And I’m thinking that I can’t afford it. I’d need roommates, a car, and insurance. All which my paycheck would maybe barely cover. But, a;kfjsl;kfjsadl;kfjsal;f. Goodnight. 

9/26/2020

Dear _____. 

Have you forgotten about me yet. 

It's a thought that I'm juggling around lately. iOS 14 came out. It's making things harder more recently because my phone is just full of you. 

10/28/2020

Hey _____. 

It's been a month since I talked to you. I keep finding myself checking on your Instagram. Cause your active there. And for some reason. You unblocked me. 

I know you did it a while ago. But. Why?

I... I'm still. In the same place. I feel. I hope you're doing better. Seems like you are. I'm scared you'll leave me in the dust. Because. That would mean I was just the one holding you back. And. That's what I think... These days. I've managed to push everyone away. Hahaha... Yeah. I'm just looking at myself. And thinking of all that you suffered through. You were the only one that cared about me that I was confident that you did. 

Yet. 

I pushed you away to. 

And I feel like. I'll never deserve you. Or see the day that I'll be okay enough to have you again. 

I'm sorry

I'm terrible. 

I miss you.

11/07/2020

Hey _____. 

I miss you like crazy. It really hasn't changed since August. I don't know about you. I hope you're doing better. 

I. I haven't been writing to you because it's been really painful to think. Really. Everything still reminds me of you. I hope Yoshi's still okay..

11/29/2020

11:40am 

Hi _____. 

It's been a while since we've talked. Hahaha this is a record... 

I actually spent a dream. Going over this message over and over again. Which is why I'm messaging you now. 

Ummm. I hope you've been well and healthy. And happy. 

I just have so much to apologize for. My mind's more in a settled place than a couple months ago... Well I had more to think through and such. So I was hoping, whenever you're in the area, that we could talk again if that's okay with you.

I see why you said sorry when you texted me last time. I don't feel like I have any right reaching out, jeopardizing any progress that you may have made, but at the same time how conceited of me to think that. So in recognizing that you're doing your own thing and being fully capable of handling things, I'm reaching out. 

I hope you've been finding more pockets of time to... 

I miss you. And I realize how much I did depend on you for things. And I'm sorry. For putting so much on you. 

I hope we can talk soon... And if not that's okay too. 

Okay, bye. 

11/29/2020

8:33pm 

i can’t believe it was you all along

cause the moment you left, so did my breath 

i didn’t steward my gifts correctly  

not realizing that what was here 

was the thing i most desired.

Your safety, love, i rejected

how could i not recognize it?

Because it was foreign, 

never attainted, never expected

and furthermore

never fulfilled.

But there it was, 

labeled by me, whose vocabulary 

only went to the extent of 

“needy”… How-

wisdom is folly to the fool. 

You took me through boot camp, 

and i had the audacity to call it

“traumatized”, well in a sense yes, 

but 20/20, looking back, 

started the foundation for me not to follow down the same marriage problems as my parents. 

You…

were a mirror. 

I, saw myself, 

flaws and all, removing the smoke from my misconceptions. 

From my broken ideals from life that were indeed passed down

from a broken individual, 

from whom you saw issues, 

from which I was shaken, but shrugged off.

I didn’t believe it.      

“Your dad controls a lot of your life”

“He makes a lot of decisions for you”. . . 

You were right. 

and as I type that i choke up at the memory of you gloating. With a smirk, looking as lovely as ever. 

Cupping your ear as if you didn’t hear me the first time. 

Just to earn an encore and a kiss. 

i miss you. And I’m sorry. 

You were the plugs in my insecurities

but without knowing, i called it suffocating. 

You know what i miss the most?

Having the option… No rather seeing your mad face when I didn’t tell you I was in the emergency room. 

I was hospitalized. and all i could think about, through the sweat, vomit, and burring in my chest, was the image of you, sitting in the chair across from me, holding my hand, concerned. 

I miss that. I think. I did that once. With you. 

I was so stupid. 

I’m sorry.

I miss you.  

12/6/2020

4:12pm

Hey _____ 

About Wednesday. I've been giving it a lot of thought, thinking about my intentions and what i'd want to say. But it just all really boiled down to the fact that I just want to talk to you. Don't get me wrong, I do have things I want to say and thank, there is still purpose in me wanting to talk, but I think I'm in a place where I'd be prone to just share everything I want. In short, very emotional. Lol. Which. Thinking about you, and thinking realistically about who you are too... you'd eat it up as well. Just being the caring and having been someone you cared for. 

Um, I've been back and forth on this so much since I messaged you- because honestly I do miss you. But I want to wait. Until I have more pieces on the table. 

The next time i hopefully see you in person is when ill have a date for rehab to share with you. 

But to further explain. 

Since we broke up, I isolated myself. 

Friends. 

Family. 

Me myself and I every day. 

 I have been learning more and more about myself. Looking at my family from a distance, seeing what I would want and need in a friendship. Who I consider friends. It's been tough to say the least. Drinking and such has been. Interesting throughout this process. And hopefully I'll be able to tell you one day. 

But, as much as it doesn't seem so its all been more or less calculated hahaha, I guess. 

I've been silently mobilizing forces. 

Thinking up war plans at 5 in the morning, while taking the bus to work. I've been communing with God too. Don't get me wrong. I'm still pissed at him. But. He's been injecting... dreams into my head. Of who I could be, where my talents are, and how I could utilize them to the best of my ability. My job has been highlighting my strengths. Even a place where they are praised and recognized by my peers. I know what I was built to do. Well, I think I do at this point. I've been affirmed by patients as well. I'm going to be a powerful doctor. A good doctor. Someone who could mobilize resources in a moment's notice. Practical and helpful resources. To meet the needs of those who don't have the ability to. The distance I could reach. I can see it. For the first time hahaha. 

I have major daddy issues I've learned, to put it lightly. And maybe obviously to you. And it's led me to major pains and hurt in my life that I didn't know was a part of me. I haven't talked to my dad in close to 3 months. Actually. Causally. Still living under the same roof. But I managed to isolate myself at home, not speaking to anyone beyond a hello, goodbye, or goodnight. I had so much stuff appearing all at once, it was an absolute shock. The pain and dismay was incredible. 

I ditched Kris and Ian as well... And along with that, Nathan. Something happened. And I just never reached out again. Neither did they. Which. I don't know.... 

So that's been around happening since that same time as my dad. And naturally, Inae, and my mom as well. 

Tony, Caleb, Isaac, and Josh. I've been. Not talking to them either much. Maybe only a handful of times since August. 

So see.  The amount of things I have stored up to just share, just for someone to listen. 

And you're that person I want listening. 

Because after you left, I realized that I did let you in. Well, more than I ever did with anyone else. As much as I did push you away, you were my best shot at anyone coming close. And I wanted to let you in, while still petrified of this foreign concept. And I'm scared that now I know what I'm missing, that I'll just share too much. Just to maybe get a taste or a glimpse of what my heart has been looking for. But. 

I've done this before. 

You always wanted something concrete. Like "I will quit 'insert date and plan'". Not cause you're demanding, but in dating an addict, was something that left you guessing and unsure. So in my first step. 

To win you back. For the long term. I don't know how this will play out. If you'll even want to. If you'd move on. But. I guess just right now this is what I want to do. 

So.

When we meet in person is when I'll tell you when I'm going to rehab. And by that time, all of this that I want to share with you will have a point. 

Right now. It's all a feeling. I have a plan. But I've always had a plan. And I don't trust myself either. But I'm preparing things to get moving earliest by mid January. Latest by February. 

I want to give you hope. And proof. For the first time in such a long time. To, yes, show you who you invested in, and who I could be, who you saw me as. 

I miss you. And I love you. To the moon and back. 

12/20/2020

8:33am 

Dear _____. 

My heart still tugs when I use your name. It's been about 4 months now. And. 

12/25/2020 

3:08pm

Merry Christmas _____. 

Umm. I think this is my first Christmas without you in 3 years? Maybe 4? Umm. It doesn't feel the same ahahh. Obviously. I miss your excitement about the holidays. I don't seem to have any. It sucked looking for gifts this year, with the small voice in my head still saying "Mindy would like that." 

Wow I'm really depressed today. I didn't expect this. 

My hair's getting long. I don't think you'd like it honestly. 

How long... I'm lost. I feel like I'm fooling people again. 

I still miss you. I still wonder if you're thinking about me. When should I stop? Because I don't think I want to. And it's just setting me up for a bigger fall later. I just want to ask you everything. And. Just talk to you. 

Merry Christmas. I hope you have a joyful day. 

01/03/2020

8:21am 

Current BAC: 0.081% 

Hey love. 

It's about T-18hrs until rehab. And I know I have tendency to make it dramatic but. It feels that way to me. 

I miss you. 

And I'm sad that you didn't. No. That was my fault. To be honest. I didn't expect rehab to happen so suddenly as soon as I reached out. I guess that's expected of the facilities. If they see that you're a good fit for the program, why would they wait. So I apologize for...springing things on you.  I didn't realize I didn't have that much time either. I wish I contacted you sooner. But. At that time my head was still going back and forth, well more forth than back, but again I didn't have a solid answer. Just a motive. 

I still think about you every day. 

I still have a picture of us in my wallet. 

I want to apologize for rejecting the care you gave me. And then accusing you for not caring in the first place. 

I couldn't see it. I couldn't feel it. I didn't know what care looked like and I just dismissed it as "clingy" or "sensitive". I've seen the way that this has hurt you. And I'm so sorry for the fact that I see that I didn't have the facilities to see/accept that. 

Regarding me letting you down, specifically in the corney romantic department. Again. You want these things, and you find that love and affection is shown best in these gestures. I couldn't see that this is a way of showing care for someone. I didn't get it. Why. So over the top, so embarrassing... But it's not embarrassing. It's sweet. And I realized that if you did the same for me, it would take a lot for me to see the love before the embarrassment I feel or something so substantially superficial. 

I have a lot I think I can do better now. 

You are the only one for me.  

And I know that. 

So much more clearly now because I've experienced what it's like without you. Like I've said before, you are the best thing that has happened to me, and I want to make sure that I keep it. I am going to find you again. 

And it will be so much better now that you see the things that I will have done and changed first and foremost for myself.

Love, I can't wait to tell you about my dream. 

I can't wait to tell you about the passions that are stirring in my heart. 

I want to grow with you. I want to show you that you did invest into the right person. That you're hope was not misplaced. 

I don't know what to expect. 

I'm letting go of nicotine, marijuana, and alcohol all in one go. 

I'm sure you're thinking about what this means for you in the future. 

I... I can't ask that of you. And that's something that will remain and outstanding variable. Until I ask you in person. 

I still love you. And I won't let go until you tell me otherwise. 

So until then, I hope you are well. I hope your family is healthy and safe. 

To the moon and back. 

PS. 

Not one of my friends answered when I called today. I'm going tomorrow at 2pm to rehab. But I'm spending a half day at work. So. 

I miss you. 

I wish you were here... But at the same time. I'm glad that you're not.... 

I wouldn't want you to see me like this. 

-.-----.-._.-------._.---------.--------.----._.-------

[inmomni]

No. 19

The beginning of the end. 

7/7/2020

I lied to you. 

Again. And I am at a loss of words for what I could tell you. What im thinking. What I was doing when you asked me if I had smoked. I am just terrified to lie to you again believe it or not. Which then just completed a self fulfilling prophecy. At what point do I tell you. Is the point where I keep getting caught. And I know that at this point it might be hard to understand why I can't just tell you. And honestly, this would be the easiest thing. But the thing that stops me is the knowledge of where to tell you. There are so many steps in between having a craving and to actually smoke when you have nothing on hand. It requires you to research which shop you want to go to, getting cash out from the bank, driving to the shop, purchasing and then actually smoking. And in any one of those steps I feel like you believe I have the power to stop. Which I do, which is where I have my issue. When I fall into temptation, it's not a mistake. Rather its a deliberate decision to smoke and not to pursue other alternative options. And it is in this context that I can't seem to bring myself to tell you, yeah I wanted to smoke, so I did. Because in my most crude and honest state, in that moment, I did. And that relates to all of the intentions that it brings. Such as not wanting to be with you, which isn't true but if I deliberately did smoke, then what else does that mean? It means that I am not trying. That I don't want to change. But that isn't true, but that truth none the less I am perpetuated by my decision to smoke. So my head goes to say that the best option is to hide this all under the guise of a "mistake", telling you without making it known to you the process, which allows me to hide under the label of "addiction" rather than a decision I made. And the most frustrating thing for you probably is the point of "I should just do it" don't think about it but just do it. I want to. But that doesn't mean anything at this point. Not without action. But the thing for me is that every time I do fall in, it invalidates all of the intention I had before, because in that moment I chose to smoke and do something that I said I would try to stop. If you truly tried to stop, you would. You CAN resist the temptation, just like sex. So what does that say about me. But the point is not to make you less mad. But it's to just be honest with you. So you could trust me again. Just to report, allow to see inside of my life. I talked to Roy about this the other day and he was just saying that I need to let you know in all aspects of my stuggle at all times. To be 1000% honest about the cravings, me going to purchase, and smoking itself. This would build trust with you because it is an active exercise of letting you know at all times. I want you and I want this relationship so badly I feel pressured into hiding things that really do more harm than good in the grand scheme of things. You're right, I am filled with a lot of fear, and it was made known to me yesterday  by Roy that I have a lot of guilt with these things that I am doing.  And this all pushed me to hide and want to come to you after all is taken care of, where I could say proudly that I didn't smoke or that I don't need it, or even that I don't want to smoke. And I know you know all of this. You know me too well. But I'm here on your bed right now as you are trying to sleep and my heart is torn. I want to be so honest with you. Even yesterday I was struggling as to when I should tell you. But I was so ashamed. And I know I can't afford that right now, but I didn't tell you because I just didn't know when too. Because it all seems like lying at the end of the day. Or it disqualified my effort or my progress. And I know that you just want me to be honest with you, and it kills me that I have such a hard time with it. And I can't emphasize how much this issue is with me personally and not with you at all. You make yourself available and are willing to work with me. And I am so grateful for that. I am always trying to be better. Always trying to improve. I know I work by absolutes so that is not really helping the situation but I am trying to break down these walls in my head by reminding myself of the purpose of telling you, remembering that you are trying to understand what I am going through in terms of addiction that may provide for the "deliberate" portion of my issue, seeing that addiction makes certain pathways much easier to fall into. I want this to work. And I am still trying every day to make myself better for your sake, but ultimately so I can look into the mirror and be proud of the person I see. I love you, and I know it doesn't mean much, but I am sorry. For everything I am putting you through. But if you will stay, I promise things will get better. They will. I love you. And I'm sorry. I don't expect you to stay by my side ever, truly. But I really hope you do, always.  

To the moon and back. 

Hey love 

Today must have been hard for you. I'm sorry I didn't come. I have an idea of what you must be thinking and baby I do care about you and... I'm sorry. For keeping this pattern of lying to you. Or bigger yet having no integrity with you that is making you into someone that you're not. You're beautiful, kind, caring, and amazing. I know you must not like feeling this I way too. Your the best thing that has happened to me. And I'm sorry for giving you a hard time all the time. I hope you're okay, but I know you aren't. I'm always trying to understand you and be better. 

I was just so tired. I don't know. I got really overwhelmed by everything. I felt like I have zero creditability with you so what could I do to prove to you that I was a good person. I forgot I had redownloaded the app and it was really a mistake because I wasn't on it for long and I forgot that it was there. If I had been malicious I feel like I would have remembered to delete the download. I don't know. I'm just tired of bring on edge. Or of being constantly... But I deserve that so. There's that. 

[inmomni]

No. 18 [R28 EOTYP]

Hmmm. What can I say? It's funny how I’m writing this last minute and only a month ago I had so much I wanted to say, but now, I think I’ve condensed it into 3 points: one is a lesson, one is an encouragement, and one is a charge

1. Time went by really quickly, the three years I was here turned into a huge mixed collection of good memories, bad ones, and regret. Regret that I thought 4 years would be a long time and that time would slow down for me, enough so that I would be able to do what I want to in that time, get to know people with the grace of not feeling like it all the time, not serving in places where I knew I had a potential to offer something, and the list goes on. But those two, in particular, especially the last, hits me home.  This place gives you the opportunities and the outlets to expand who you are and your understanding of the church and the gospel.  I wish I had spent more time on the praise team, honestly, I thought I was coming from a good place refraining, cause I thought my pride would get in the way and I thought I would get full of myself. But my mistake was not trusting the leadership to keep me in check.  I got too inside my head because, yeah in the end reality is that I can’t do it myself. I didn't trust God enough to keep me in check. And that paralyzed me because I knew I couldn’t accomplish what I wanted to do on my own, but God is made powerful in weakness. All to say, be resourceful, be intentional.

2. And in learning to trust God, this leads me to my second point. I know so many people have spoken on this topic already, and have encouraged us repeatedly that it sounds annoying now, but in this season of change, with Bang leaving, we must trust in God. It says in Romans 13:1 that 

“Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God.”

As Bang announced he is leaving and how he is being called to a different ministry to work and serve, I couldn't help but think of how apostle Paul, how in the beautiful letters he had been addressing churches he had once pastored, for years, and had to leave. But he wasn’t just leaving to leave, as you can see in the bible, there are not just one set of letters Paul writes to a single church, but collections of letters sent out to churches all over. I believe God calls his workers to different places in different seasons to work for specific goals God has in mind for those specific people groups He sends those workers to. With that in mind, Bang leaving R28 marks the end of a season. A season where I think it could be defined by the word “growth”, where this ministry, not only about 5 years ago only had 20 people, now boasts probably (I'm guessing) 80 consistent servants, dedicated to this ministry’s vision, and hopefully above all God. I will touch on this in a little bit. God has been faithful to this ministry, and he will continue to be, and I believe that will become even more tangible as the mantle is passed to Harry and he leads this ministry, with the guidance of the Holy Spirit, into a new season of maturation.

3. Lastly, on the topic of those 80 servants. I was recently introduced to the relationship between patriotism and Christianity. I haven’t read too much into yet so I can’t pull reflections or quotes, but I have thought about this myself a bit, and I realized that this is such a core component, but I just had never labeled it as “patriotism” in Christianity. You think, or at least I do of Captain America when you say “patriot”, or ‘Murica.  But. love of your country, pride and the courage to defend what you love, seems like an integral part of the Christian faith no? And on this line of logic, I looked at r28, to see how this quality is generally expressed in the ministry. And to me, more often than not, it seems that we wear Living Hope’s merch more prominently and proudly than bearing Jesus’ cross. I don’t know, but more so than getting the vibe that Jesus is the center around here, it seems that Living Hope, namely, R28 has become the tangible entity we all crowd around and sometimes give credit to. I get it, patriotism is love for ones home, ones resting place, where they are comfortable, surrounded by people they love. And in our recent years, with KKC’s message for a while being “A church to call home”, the church this year making it our theme, it seems like this message is almost getting pushed too far to the other extreme and I just want to say, if that is the case, we need to check ourselves. Yes, this is your home, but first and foremost, this is a Church. A place of worship. God’s house. We were adopted into his family, though yes we are now co-heirs with Christ, we were first lost and broken, apart from the church. But God didn't choose to leave us that way, Romans 5:6-8. This is his heart for all of us. We must have this attitude towards others, and remember who we represent. Our capacity to love, I think everyone can agree, is a strength that God has blessed us our ministry with. We see that through every newcomer’s testimony, saying how R28 pulled through for them. How amazing is that? I mean, to welcome people so well to this extent to me is incomprehensible. But in this, let’s learn to mature and grow this gift by getting in the habit of giving all praise and glory to the one who truly deserves it. 

But to close, I have to say, yet ironic now, that I have been proud to be a part of this ministry and I thank God for everything I have learned, also for the people I have met and the experiences we have shared. My prayer for this ministry is that it will become one that is known to proudly follow and uphold the things of God in a communal way, and also in your own adversities. But all the more, that it is known to love people all the more furiously by seeing them as we see ourselves, treating them as we want to be treated, and by surrendering ourselves to God fully to have the great commission not only spread by word of mouth but by action as the image bearers of Christ.

[inmomni]

No. 17

This one is going to be a bit different

in the sense that it won't be to condemn every fiber of my being but to reflect on what I have learned, frankly about myself in the past few months since the new year started. 

I don't like mediocrity. I won't stand for it. 

And this comes one of two ways for me: 

Motivates the hell out of me to do my very best to reflect the fullest the extent of my capabilities

This expresses itself in a lot of different ways, a lot of which I can find examples of from the past. For example, in learning guitar, I would not give up until I could play a certain piece or even a few measures of a song, working painstakingly for hours on end. Reading a book, for instance, maybe this is a bad habit, I’m not particularly sure, however, I would much rather prefer to read an entire book in one sitting than to read it in pieces in fear that I will forget details crucial to the argument or continuity of the book. Other manifestations can be found even in this journal entry as the title down to the formatting and font is thought through so that it looks the best in an aesthetic fashion. Lab reports are also done in great detail and care with figures drawn well and detailed. But most of all, in my relationships and passions, I pride myself in doing things well and being competent enough to be able to hold my own.

Prevents me from doing things that I would otherwise do if I was not so wrapped up in doing things so perfectly and correctly, even the smallest and simplest things (ex. playing video games, playing sports, trying new hobbies, etc.)

This is what you would call the perfectionistic side of me. Where if something is not subjectively “perfect” or ample enough in my eyes, I will stress over the possibilities of failure prior to my engagement, inevitably preventing myself from proceeding with business as usual. In other words, I have romantic notions or ideas of what things are supposed to look like based on what I feel I should be capable of and comparing myself to others.

I bolded the problematic portions.

The issue is that I still don't really have a great way of dealing with this. It's bad because it tends to spiral out of control originating from a single thought whose intentions, in fact, may have been completely harmless from the start. I get wrapped up in my own head looking out into the world with a perverted perception that just feeds more into this picture of myself that I’m trying to create. Not only that, I become almost defensive of this view, harboring it like truth, and refuse to part from this lesser self to pursue the work of becoming better.  Because resetting is easier than improving. Coming from a blank slate is 10000% better than building upon failures and lifting yourself up.  Also, it's less painful in terms of pride.

I’m not as open and honest as I think.

           Many times, when I give answers to people, I think that telling them the worst of me is being honest, that allowing them to peer inside that disgusting side of me early on is being honest and open. But as I keep telling myself these things, 'I’m a prideful person'. 'I don’t think much of myself’, 'I’m not really going through a good time', 'I have a lot of issues I need to deal with'. these things start assuming my identity. It isn't any more that Inmo is currently tired or is depressed or that I’m not feeling my best today, but that Inmo is a tired person who is by character depressed and is out of the ordinary to see happy or smiling. Sooner or later, people start affirming you in those observations, manifesting as identity and characterization.  Then suddenly, this thing that I used to use for my “open and honest” shpeal would then dilute into some scapegoat answer to hide what is too difficult to dig through and unearth. The only person I think I am the most honest to out of my own personal volition is Mindy. Which makes it difficult for her too being that its pressure from me to have her understand where I’m coming from, and it's not good to put all your eggs in one basket in terms of closeness of relationships. A lot of it is fear of rejection I think, having that I set expectations so low for people so that I won't get hurt. But in the end, I found that this only pushes people away, and even prevents you from establishing that closeness in the first place.  I’m learning this with Mindy slowly, very slowly, but I have yet to implement this into friendships and other relationships. This is something that I need to work on.

I think I would like to be a morning person.

          I like being productive, I really like it. In fact, if I get things going well from the morning, I tend to have a really good day and even suffer along the way to make sure that I stay productive. I feel accomplished just by waking up early and establishing a start to my day. But often times this comes only in conjunction with the first characteristic I listed in this post.  If I do not wake up on time, or if I end up missing something, I am unable to recover from this “failure” and proceed throughout my day. Just something I’ve noticed. But i remember that during my freshman year of college, when I think I was at my “peak” per say, I was waking up every morning with a sense of purpose, rolling out of bed, going to run 2 miles, coming back to shower, get to class, and get on with my day. That felt good.  And this last fall semester, when I had 8:30 am classes, though it was painful to wake up during that time, I would often feel good about myself for getting up early and productively starting my day, giving an excuse for doing leisurely things at night to rest. This also means routine, that having a structure in my life would be great and beneficial to me. But the negative portion of having a perfectionistic mindset is problematic to have this started.  I need a sense of purpose, as much as any other person in this world, and I need to find a purpose to wake up with every morning so that the first thoughts in my head aren’t ‘fuck its morning, what did I already miss today?’ but rather something more along the lines of ‘Okay, I woke up at a reasonable time, and if I woke up late, it's okay, we try again tomorrow, but let's keep going today, I don't want to feel terrible.’. LOL, I don't know, something like that I suppose.

I can see how sticks and stones may break my bones, but words are the motherfuckers you need to watch out for.

I have been learning that I have a ton of emotions and not a lot of smart ways to deal with them. I remember back in high school too when I would have these burning emotions inside of me with no clear or comfortable way to address them. So I did what I thought was best to deal with it: I didn’t look at it. Rather, I invalidated myself a lot, teaching principles that lead me to believe that emotions are a hindrance and they have no part in the life of a successful, intelligent person’s life. I prided myself on having built such a tough shell around my weak heart that in the end, nothing mattered other than getting to where you needed to get to. This for me turned into a pursuit of comfort, easy, peace, no hurt, nothing to worry about, a true Hakuna Matata of sorts if you will. This is a good way to get around in the world alone, making sure that you're needs are met first and foremost. But it turns out that you don't even get that simple thing done, cause you just end up invalidating yourself and torturing yourself for feeling things that honestly do make sense for a sane person in that situation to feel, given the same series of events. I need to learn how to properly process things in ways that isolate my character and my worth as a person from the potentially negative situation I may be in at the moment. In other words, I need to realize that though I may have caused the problem, it doesn't take away from the fact that I am still capable of finding the solution to bring myself and whoever involved to a better place. Words have the power to change the way you perceive and think about yourself, and they definitely have the potential to ingrain certain harmful assumptions into reality. I learned this and am currently working through the consequences of this, peeling back all the different distorting filters I have on reality to find a more objective way of thinking of things, rather than just resorting to calling myself a failure. I need to learn to love myself better, yes in routine and action, but also in word and thought. This would look like keeping myself in a positive light and lifting myself up rather than tearing myself down in the face of adversity.

These are just a few things that I'll jot down for tonight, given that it's already 2:18 am... fudge. I was going to go to the chapel. Maybe not. Sigh... Anyways, I hope that ill get in the habit of writing more of these kinds of posts.  I hope I did this correctly hahaha. There's a lot for me to learn about myself, and I’m going to try to use this as a medium to bounce off my thoughts in a more correct fashion than just complaining and thinking all is lost. 

[inmomni]

No. 16b

20 Things I’m Thankful for 11/23/18

1. No matter how crappy my life is, I am alive, and I know that I have a Father in heaven that know me 

2. I have a wonderful and supportive family know knows me as well and accepts my flaws and continues to wish the best for me

3. I have a loving and beautiful girlfriend who chooses to walk with me in the midst of my highs and more often my lows (currently super low)

4. I am attending a private christain college studying to become a doctor

5. I have the freedom to choose what I want to do in life, and the capabilites and privilage to do it

6. Though I may struggle with the mental stuff thats been tormenting me day in and day out, I still function, go to school, eat, and live

7. I am musically talented and play the guitar moderately well

8. I have a car

9. My hair is long, and I am thankful for my head of hair

10. I am a child of God, who doesnt seem to know his identity fully yet, but nonetheless can have confidence in the fact that

11. League of Legends

12. For the friends I have in my life, Caleb, Tony, Isaac, Josh, Kris, Ian, Nathan, Meg, Sarah, Rob and all the others that I have a good relationship with

13. For my intelligence, even if it doesnt get put into the correct use most of the time

14. The fact that I want to grow, that I really desire it so badly, and the ways that I have grown and matured as a person over the past year (emotionally especially)

15. For being financially stable (supported by my parents)

16. Not for the fact that I have diabetes, but the fact that it was diabetes, not cancer

17. For being healthy, or moderately, despite having diabetes and all that crap

18. For being in a postition where I am free to think, make mistakes, and figure out my life

19. For the fact that it is okay for me to not have everything together

20. For the fact that God looks at me, and only me, not comparing me to the status and development of others, but meets me in the places where I am

- Inmo, you’re only 21.  I know, of course I know that.  But sometimes you treat it like... you’re worrying about too many things and overwhelming yourself.  You need to learn how to give things to God so that he can help you with your yoke. You are still figuring out your life.  And I don’t think I am in the same position I was in a year ago in terms of maturity, faith, etc.  I think you have been growing, and its just hard to see in the midst of all the things you’re going through. You are getting tunnel visioned.  Learn to expand your perspective and view your life in terms of how God is percieving all things going around him, not by your finite and severely limited eyes.  You’re doing okay for the most part, God calls you only to obedience, and even in that there is so much grace Inmo, grace that God is giving you, but you’re not accepting it. God help Inmo open up his heart to who you are.  He loves you, and he want to be with you, constantly. QT tomorrow morning, lets start the day with his word yeah? Okay.

[inmomni]

No. 16

What is wrong with me

It seems like at every twist and turn, my feelings, my state of being is always at the mercy of something else: blood sugar is bad, i havent vaped in a while, i feel like i want to smoke, small things that set me off, these days small things that annoy the hell out of me, and the list goes on.  I used to not care, things wouldnt bother me, whether it was because, like Mindy said, I didnt care enough in the beginning to have things affect me, or just cause it wasnt really a big deal.  But now, it seems that every little thing is the end of the world if i dwell on it long enough. Its always tied back to my character, and who I am, and always comes back to thinking about how shitty of a person i am.  Its like the opposite of narcissism, where its more in a  self-depricating light, where i cannot detach myself from certian situations to make it all about myself. I always have to be the issue, I am always the problem.  And honestly, there isnt a way that i have found yet to talk myself out of this.  Like today with mindy, the noise was really annoying of her moving the laptop around on top of her bed.  I asked her to turn the volume down, the input volume, so i directed her after it got petty-ly unbearible, to the place where she could lower the input or switch it to her headphones.  But during the entire thing, i was thinking about how petty this was, and how emotional i was getting over this seemingly not a big deal situation.  In my head, me welling up with frustration was indicating the cracks in my character as I perceive them.  Why was i getting mad over this? Why is this setting me off? Then I began to think, “Inmo get this under control otherwise youre not going to be able to talk with Mindy tonight and that will spell certain disaster for the next day to come.” My mindset then changed to, “okay, how do i get out of this spiral”, so i whipped out New Morning Mercies and started reading, i took a couple more hits of the vape, and I tried to calm down.  But by that point, my face was screaming “IM NOT IN A GOOD MOOD” and Mindy was starting to take notice.  By that point, I was going full blast at myself:  “Youre terrible” “Why are you in such a bad mood?” “Youre ruining Mindy’s mood too at this point, and i bet she just wanted to end her day nicely with her boyfriend” “You cant even give her that?” “Im SorryIm SorryIm SorryIm SorryIm SorryIm SorryIm SorryIm Sorry...”

That seems to be my favorite phrase these days, “I’m Sorry”, for all the crap im bringing to the table, to the countless days where i have ruined everything cause of my foul temper, for influencing you in ways that are not good, for the hurt and pain i am causing you for not getting my act together, for not being the type of boyfriend you need at this point, for being so immature in my thinking, for doing so many stupid things to hurt you, for constantly breaking down in front of you, for lying to you, for not being the same type of person as you to spend all day with, for needing my time away from you, for not being adequate for you (in my own head when you tell me that im doing okay, and i dont believe you), for saying stupid shit, for being late all the time, for being so lazy, for not going out, for not being good about planning dates or keeping my word at times, for lacking respect in myself therefore not trusting you as much as i should sometimes, for lashing out when its my shit im going through and i dump it on you, for always seeming to make excuses, for not owning up to my mistakes, for not knowing/freezing up when i need to move “Im sorry” into action, for still making so many mistakes...I just feel so guilty at this point,  Everytime i mess up  seems to be adding to a stack i can never repay.  I need to learn how to move on, to get over it and keep going.  I stop at every crack and uneven patch of pavement, wondering why is it like this when i could simply jualjnfskfjas;kdfhja;sfjbha sl.  

I broke down yesterday... again.  God, im scared,  Of what im becoming.  Because it doesnt seem like this is the kind of person you want me to be. Actually, maybe i dont even know who you want me to be.  I dont know anything about myself, at least in a correct lens of how you view me and how you feel about me.  Maybe i still imagine you as a king in the clouds, sitting on his throne with a quiver of lighting bolts ready to smite me whenever i fuck up.  Maybe i dont understand this kind of love that is so radical enough to love me, to want me, to have the best things in mind for me.  God, I want to know myself in a way that you know/see me.  Teach my about myself, reveal the true condition of my heart, in a gospel centered way.  One that points out the mess but gets to work on it, not the kind that just points and stares.  And God, would you protect Mindy.  I know you have her best interests in mind and that youre constantly looking out for her.  God i want to pray that tonight she sleeps in peace cause i really messed up.  I think i made her feel like my bad mood was a direct result of herself.  Which it wasnt, and i cant pinpoint why it flipped just by that damn sound, making me even more frustrated and causing me to spiral even deeper to the point where my mood is soiled.  Fix me God, I need your grace in my life. I need it so bad, the mercies that are new every morning, i need it. I need it to survive and to be with you, my sustinance.  God, help me to do QT tomorrow morning, to reflect and start the day with you.  And as i go into tomorrow, would you be my strength, my power, my sanity, my all.  Jesus i need you.  Jesus i want to know you so much more.  God save me.  I need you.

[inmomni]

No. 15

I feel depressed at the moment.

It's about 9:18pm right now, I am listening to a live session of Cory Henry, wondering what might have been if I had... If I hadn't quit the things I quit.  If I had still retained the passions for the things I once enjoyed.

What happened?

All I think about now is how I am going to get through the day, and more recently, how I'm going to get through the day without the one thing that has been constant through all of this crap.  All the crap I have cycled in and out of, the constant factor was that I was high.  And, it helps.  It helps silence all of the things I don't want to think about.  It makes fun things that would otherwise be boring.  It gives me rest when I need it, immediately, allowing me to drift off into a sleep to forget my day's troubles.  I have a test next Monday, a paper for a project that I still did not do (or am having a hard time starting, completing it)... I don't know what I’m doing. I basically abandoned by thing at St. Josephs.  All I can think about are my failures.  My lost opportunities, and my inability to jump at them even now as they come by.  My lack of motivation in life, to keep striving for excellence.  

What happened...

I can't pinpoint it.  

What happened that I just, decided to settle for everything.  Be okay with my... I don't even know what I’m saying.  I don't feel like I have a future anymore.  I can't see anything ahead of me clearly, not saying that anyone really does, but I just have no idea what this is going to look like 2, 3 years down the road.  What am I going to be doing?  Where am I going to be in life?  

The QT for November 13th mentioned something really interesting.  

“Real prayer is prayed in an attitude of what the Puritans called importunity, which is the condition of being troublesome or persistent because of a deep sense of urgency. It means being frightened into crying out for help. It is a condition of the heart that is there only as a result of grace. It’s grace that causes you to acknowledge your sin. It’s grace that causes you to be frightened by where that sin can lead you. It’s grace that opens your heart to the help that only God can give. Real prayer is motivated by that grace and acknowledges your need for that grace.” - Paul David Tripp New Morning Mercies 

I’ve highlighted or made known the points that stuck out to me.

It's interesting how he frames this posture of coming to the cross to repent and pray to God starts from a point outside of me.  I constantly come to the cross, when I do, with this one track mind that I screwed up, and I need to come to confess my sins before God because I wronged him.  I did something bad and now I need to apologize for it. But it’s interesting how the reason I think I need to come and pray is to report to God what I did, that I acknowledged that it was wrong of me to do so and to say sorry and that ill try not to do it again, cause he doesn't like that.  But I leave empowered by the idea that I now have a clean slate and have to just keep up a good streak until the next checkpoint or failure comes along and I get wiped again.  Something that is not getting through my head though, is that this passage is saying that everything, my desire to pray, my recognition that I need to pray, my desire to change, and the actual way to change is all found in God. “It’s grace that opens your heart to the help that only God can give,” Tripp writes, and it is that precise ‘Do what only you can do’ attitude that I see is my only chance at salvation, but somehow, I still find ways to twist it so that I am backloading all this work on myself and pushing God to the sidelines saying  “Hey I got this, don’t worry, it won’t be like the last time” - As I walk straight off the same cliff for the 4th time in a row.

I don't even know what I'm writing right now, I feel like I should be doing homework.  And I’m getting anxious now.  

God, if you’re there, 

* I know that theologically, you are for certain here and listening to what I am saying/writing but I don’t think I believe you're here with me

I need help.  And I don't know how to ask for it, or even how to take it well and apply it in a way that will actually work, ya know? I don't trust myself anymore.  I don't know how to listen to my emotions or feelings in a way that is sober and clear-minded, not distorted, well to say, objective.  I don’t know what my intentions are with anything... God, I just want to feel like your child.  I want to be close to you, to have you so tangibly next to me as I live my life.  I want to sit in your presence all day long, and feel so safe and known by you.  I want to be able to cry out to you like David does in his Psalms, crying out in full honesty while cleaving to your promises/character for dear life.  I want to be whole. I feel like I have a part missing from me, and constantly, I am looking for something to fill this... And I know, I REALLY know that you're the answer, but I don't know how to get to you.  Or how to reach out, or if I am doing it in a way where you’ll respond to me.  I want you to be my strength when I feel like I have none, and I want to be at a place where you just get me through the day. Not get me through but show me the beauty and splendor of your glory displayed fully in my life. 

God, you know me. You have to. You know me so well. Better than anyone else, far better than anyone will know me.  You know my tendencies, you know my heart, you know my mind, how everything is going to filter through, what kind of impression it's going to make on me, you know my insecurities, you know my shortcomings.  But you also know my strengths, my talents.  The things you've gifted me with to call me your son, to nurture me, to grow me, to stretch me, to be an extension of you. 

[inmomni]

No. 14b

I. Intro/Premise:

Hi, my name is Inmo, i am a senior biological studies major at Biola University. I’ve grown up in the church all my life, and I am currently a frustrated, working past it, christian who doesn’t work as advertised.  

This became clear to me after my youth group’s 2015 winter retreat that i got “saved” for like, the third time that my best friend and i had an interesting conversation about our sin. I remember we were on a night hike with a few other of my church friends when i suddenly started to get a strong urge for a cigarette.  I hadn’t had one since the start of the winter retreat, which was about two weeks ago then and a long time for me.  It brought up this kind of frustration in me.  Not because the craving was getting worse, but because i had just been “saved,” again. See in my mind, if you were with Jesus, you should be the farthest away from sin because of this new found love that you have for Jesus now; so in turn, that would make you naturally hate sin, ya know? Sharing the comment with my church friend, it sparked some talk about the fallenness of man and how we innately fall away from God, you know the gist, and we went on for about an hour when pent up with frustration about how i still want sin after all that God had shown me, after knowing what He did for me, after experiencing how much He loves me,

I said, “I wish God could just make us love him so much right now that we would never dare to sin again.”  

II. Idealistic Picture vs: Reality

Idealistic: [See], I thought I knew what a christian should look like. I’ve been to church all my life, so that being said, I think I have a pretty good idea of what an idealized modern day non-Jesus Christian would be like:

Prays for at least 30 mins a day, an hour if it didn’t cry at all to “push through and seek the Lord”….Or an hour if you did cry cause, you cried and you had a moment with Jesus.  

Reads the word every day without fail, even if you don’t have time for it cause you’re too busy serving, you get it in somehow by listening to an ESV ebook bible or through your 2min New Morning Mercies.

Just exudes Jesus everywhere they go, like to the point where you feel so sinful if you’re around them, but somehow they’re so humble that it doesn’t even cross your mind.

Raises their hands every single worship song at some point in the chorus and definitely the verses cause no one raises their hands for those

Every single conversation they have in passing turns into some life changing prophetic revelation for both parties involved

The list can go on.

Past Reality:

As you can see, I think a lot, my mind is always racing, and in science and especially in theology i really like to understand things and how they work, I need sequential process.  So if I don’t understand something, I will just sit there until I get it to take an action on it. I need to know what to do, I need direction, and I need it NOW. So in grappling with my newfound faith during my early high school years, my sinfulness, how to pray, what to think during worship, how to know if I’m being genuine, what I need to be feeling when I encounter God, and i started picking away at my own faith with my doubt.  And with doubt, I froze, because I didn’t understand it, and because I didn’t understand it I would question if I was a christian at all because I didn’t act the way I thought i was supposed to.  I didn’t reach out to leadership, I didn’t ask my pastor or small group leader any questions I had, how to walk in the faith, I simply took what I saw, held up myself against that standard, and graded myself accordingly.  And because I wasn’t doing well with the Lord, all other areas of my life would suffer, my overall mood, my motivation, my assurance in God and his character; nothing was stable. So I started to seek refuge from my reality in things like video games, anime, kdramas, sleeping, and slowly that evolved into trying weed for the first time, and then turning that into an everyday thing, with a daily goal of escaping reality and forgetting how terrible of a person I am. I was open to having fun, cause my life didn’t offer much as it was, and because all of this relied on how i felt, it wouldn’t be like this all the time, maybe just months at a time, sandwiched by seasons of “doing alright”, or a year on, and a year completely clean because God did graciously meet me in those moments, but nothing really changed, even if it was a year away, it doesn’t change the fact that I failed.

There emerged a very cyclic pattern starting since senior year of high school:

Summer is so good, it’s great, restful, had a bunch of fun, ready to get back to work

Fall initially is really good, meeting up with friends, keeping up with academics, motivated, I’m doing okay with God, reading here and there, not consistently, but reading at least, not doing bad things and such… then it starts to drop off around late October. I start getting less motivated, missing more classes, sleeping in more, trying to escape reality more.

Winter is super bad, just bummy lazy disgusting, right up until finals week approaches from where I jump up out of bed and turn into a study machine.

This carries on past spring and then probably into summer again. Then it repeats.

Recent past reality: 

This cycle got worse every single year, until last year, my junior year, when I failed 3 classes second semester.

It was my junior year, and I’m a bio major.  I’m trying to become a doctor, but now I’m not even sure of that anymore.  

Present Reality:

If I’m honest today… I’m a slob, my sleeping schedule is a mess, I’m not even properly eating and what the heck is up with that. I don’t go to the gym anymore. I’m not loving on the people that are close to me well at all. I feel so selfish and twisted. I think myself into a pit, dramatically breaking apart my own self confidence and credibility to myself.

It’s easy for me to think: “God, I feel like such a failure. I’ve tried so hard, my bootstraps ripping into the palms of my hand, to be a Christian, to stay in the faith, but it’s too hard. I don’t get it, and i don’t understand it. If i did, then maybe i wouldn’t be like this.  If i was a christian, I wouldn’t be doing X, Y, and Z or i would have fixed this part of myself ages ago.  I should have had a consistent routine with God by now, talking with him, I should be the ideal christian by now.”  IF I had truly been a christian up til now, holy, I’ve lived 21 years exposed to the gospel, and I don’t know how to do this thing. I should just give up.” I couldn’t even trust myself, the feelings and emotions I had, my all my actions can be accompanied by an army of voices questioning my intentions for everything.  Everything was falling apart, my future, my faith, my academics, nothing was solid, nothing was stable, the way I am right now, I can’t even pick myself up again. I can’t do this.

III. Realization & God-centered Reality

But that’s when it became clear to me.  If you’ve noticed by now, I’ve used the word “I” so many times up til this point. God just started highlighting all of the I’s I used, and he started replacing them with His name.  and it all started to click.  Maybe the reason I failed all these times was to bring me to a place where I could say, with my heart inside out, “God help me please, I don’t know what to do.”  I tried to do things my own way for 3 almost 4 years now and i failed every single time, maybe it’s time to look towards God and not myself.  

God reminded me of a passage in Numbers 21:6-9 where it talks about God sending fiery serpents to the people of Israel.  In short, God sent fiery serpents to the people of israel because of their disobedience, killed a lot of people, then told Moses to construct a bronze snake so that people could look at it and live.  Notice God didn’t say be healed from their afflictions.  He just said that they would live, like NIRV even says that they “remained alive”.  So what are the takeaways here for me? As you live your life, with or without God, you’re going to get bit, like 100%, when God said he sent serpents that killed many, I’m sure it wasn’t just a heist size group of snakes that ravaged the entire population, but a disgusting amount of serpents.  You can try to fend for yourself, or you can look up at God and get through this thing with him.  

The amazing thing is, that when I look to him, I see the moments where God affirmed me in my spiritual growth, all in retrospect of course.

I remember a time at Chick-fil-a with the same Caleb after serving at VBS where one of these moments happened. We had just finished up a day where the theme was the good news.

I started asking him about what he thought of the entire day that we just ran through. He responded with a “It was kinda weird”, not really a straight answer, but to see more what I’m thinking.  I started explaining how they didn’t do the gospel justice, how this wasn’t something that was deserving of being rushed or just gotten over with, especially if it is for these kids.  At one point, some guy paraphrased the gospel to,

“uhh we sinned, Jesus died on the cross for them, and, oh shoot were out of time, can the crew leaders explain the rest on the way to the next station” Everything was so rushed, paraphrased, cut off, I understand we were pressed for time the entire program, but dang did this topic deserve more respect.

I was getting really emotional, and tears started running down my eyes at which point caleb asked me why I was crying.  I didn’t understand his question, until i remembered that all the conversations we had and all the things he’s seen me do don’t point to an impassioned college student upset because his church’s VBS didn’t do the gospel enough justice when presenting it to 5-10 year olds.  That was when I realized God has taught me the weight of his gospel

There were other instances like this:

When i first got to Biola, and I hated it, but God told me through the` song i hated the most during high school  (Christ is Enough) that though i may think that i failed because nothing went to plan, its all according to his. He’s bringing me to a place where I can say Christ is all I need, and he placed that desire in my heart.

Placing me in Torrey, a great books program at Biola,  so that I would have a deeper knowledge of the word and how to converse with people, to have that show up at a party filled with a bunch of non-christians who were talking philosophy of a higher being and of a purpose in life

Seeing that through every cycle of highs and lows, regardless of how low that low was, I still came back to a place where God met me.

IV Conclusion:

To be honest, I still don’t fully know what I’m doing.  I’m trying to read more.  Pray more, I don’t know what it looks like to do what I said just now, or what that actually looks like.  But regardless of what I know, or what I understand, God is doing things behind the scenes for my good.  That there is no other reason, there can’t be any other explanation than the grace that God gives me and sustains me with.  In this most darkest season of my life, I have never understood more clearly what it means to work out your faith with fear and trembling, to know that I am a christian despite all my crap, and that despite how hard I may want to leave, not even I can pluck myself out of God’s hand, because of the way He’s been teaching and shaping my heart. He’s locked me in.  Once you know, you know, with this sort of thing if you know, if you’ve seen or tasted just a fraction of his grace, you cannot go back. Grace prepares the heart for salvation, it is grace that one receives salvation, and it is through grace that salvation is sustained and sanctification is occurring.  I don’t know how I got here and how to get to where I need to be, but I just know that God’s got this.  

So I’m just going to take that and run.

#2nd draft #samestuff

[inmomni]

No. 14

It was after my youth group’s 2015 winter retreat that i got saved for like, the third time that my best friend and i had an interesting conversation about our sin.  I remember we were on a night hike with a few other of my church friends when i suddenly started to get a strong urge for a cigarette.  I hadn't had one since the start of the winter retreat, which was about two weeks ago then and a long time for me.  It brought up this kind of frustration in me.  Not because the craving was getting worse, but because i had just been saved, again.  See in my mind, if you were with Jesus, you should just want to sin because of this new found love that you have for Jesus now; so in turn, that would make you naturally hate sin, ya know? Sharing the comment with Caleb, it sparked some talk about the fallenness of man and how we innately fall away from God, you know the gist, and we went on for about an hour when pent up with frustration about how i still want sin after all that God had shown me, after knowing what He did for me, after experiencing how much He loves me, 

 I said, “I wish God could just make us love him so much right now that we would never dare to sin again.”  

And from there my difficult journey of becoming a disciple of God started.

God works independently from you.  This is something that He has been teaching and showing me in this current season of my life.  I always had this imagery that depicted how I came to faith, and how I’m being sustained now: me being dragged by a rope tied to my hand by God.  Let me explain.  Looking at my faith, my life, my experiences, etc., I feel like i missed out.  I feel as if because God made me a Christian so early on with such strong convictions that i wasn't able to really have fun in high school.  As in the sex, drugs, alcohol portion of it.  A culture that always sounded so alluring and enticing because it gives you a good status; a “cool” status or reputation, one where no one has to question who you are, just as long as your there to have fun, you're family.  But my ties to the church prevented me from fully immersing in that culture, and i really did genuinely try to be a good christian while struggling with this sense of being cheated by God.  So this lead me to do something else: just drift in and out of the two. Not like split life type of deal, but just over the course of time that has passed up since then and now, I have tried, just once, a good number of drugs, was a pretty fat stoner, and am still currently working on getting rid of nicotine.  I hardly ever read the bible regularly, prayer was on SOS duty, but still during this entire time, I was, and honestly still now,  going to church, singing my songs, and repping the name of Jesus to those who knew I went to church.  

I thought I knew what a christian should look like.  I’ve been to church all my life, so that being said, I think I have a pretty good idea of what an idealized modern day non-Jesus Christian would be like: 

- Prays for at least 30 mins a day, an hour if it didn't cry at all to “push through and seek the Lord”....Or an hour if you did cry cause, you cried and you had a moment with Jesus.   - Reads the word every day without fail, even if you don’t have time for it cause you’re too busy serving, you get it in somehow by listening to an ESV ebook bible or through your 2min New Morning Mercies. - Just exudes Jesus everywhere they go, like to the point where you feel so sinful if you're around them, but somehow they're so humble that it doesn't even cross your mind. - Raises their hands every single worship song at some point in the chorus and definitely the verses cause no one raises their hands for those - Every single conversation they have in passing turns into some life changing prophetic revelation for both parties involved           The list can go on, but because of this mismatched lifestyle of knowing what is good but not living it out, there emerged a very cyclic pattern starting since senior year of high school: 

Summer is so good, its great, restful, had a bunch of fun, ready to get back to work Fall initially is really good, meeting up with friends, keeping up with academics, motivated, I’m doing okay with God, reading here and there, not consistently, but reading at least, not doing bad things and such... then it starts to drop off around late October. I start getting less motivated, missing more classes, sleeping in more, trying to escape reality more.

Winter is super bad, just bummy lazy disgusting, right up until finals week approaches from where I jump up out of bed and turn into a study machine

This carries on past spring and then probably into summer again.  Then it repeats. 

But during these times there have been moments where God affirmed me in my spiritual growth, all in retrospect of course.

I remember a time at Chick-fil-a with Caleb after serving at VBS where one of these moments happened. We had just finished up a day where the theme was the good news.  For some context, we started the day with a staff meeting where the pastor told us about the theme, what kind of message she will be sharing, the weight of this day and the significance it could have on the kids. Everyone was “mmm-ing” in agreement and prayer was loud so you know people were passionate, but i wasn't really in the mood.  I really wasn’t in a good place in my faith, then again when have i ever been, and i just said yes to a pastor that said they were understaffed.  So I brought along Caleb, who was walking with the Lord at the time.  But prayer was only 3 minutes long because the meeting started too late.  So everything started getting pushed back a little bit.  Stations were shorter, and the station leaders were rushing things to pass the group to the next station to the point where by the end, all the crew leaders were a little bit disoriented and tired.  So back to the scene at Chick-fil-a, after ordering food, I asked him, “Hey, what did you think about today?” He responded with a “It was kinda weird”, a prodding question to see what I’m thinking.  I started explaining how they didn't do the gospel justice, how this wasn't something that was deserving of being rushed or just gotten over with, especially if it is for these kids.  At one point, some guy paraphrased the gospel to, “uhh we sinned, Jesus died on the cross for them, and, oh shoot were out of time, can the crew leaders explain the rest on the way to the next station”

I was getting really emotional, and tears started running down my eyes at which point caleb asked me why I was crying.  I didn't understand his question, until i remembered that all the conversations we had and all the things he’s seen me do don't point to an impassioned college student upset because his church’s VBS didn't do the gospel enough justice when presenting it to 5-10 year olds.  That was when I realized God has taught me the weight of his gospel

There were other instances like this:

When i first got to Biola, and I hated it, but God told me through the song i hated the most during high school  (Christ is Enough) that though i may think that i failed because I only got into Biola, Hes bringing me to a place where I can say Christ is all I need, and he placed that desire in my heart

Placing me in Torrey so that I would have a deeper knowledge of the word and how to converse with people, and having that show up at a party half tipsy with a bunch of non-christians who were talking philosophy of a higher being and of a purpose in life

Seeing that through every cycle of highs and lows, regardless of how low that low was, I still came back to a place where God met me

This cycle continued starting senior year of high school, to hopefully not now, getting worse every single year, as in the depressed months started to bleed past their previous marks. Until last year, my junior year, when I failed 3 classes second semester. 

It had lasted til May.  

At that point i perceived myself as for what i thought i had become.  It was my junior year, and I’m a bio major.  I’m trying to become a doctor, but now I’m not even sure of that anymore.   I’m a slob, my sleeping schedule is a mess, I'm not even properly eating and what the heck is up with that, I don’t go to the gym anymore,  I’m not loving on the people that are close to me well at all I feel so selfish and twisted I feel so sinful, Holy i feel so dirty I feel so far from God, am i really a christian? I barely read the bible,  when was the last time i talked to God?  No other than a Sunday. I’ve been a Christian, or a so called christian for how long now?  Almost 8 years now? almost eight years.  Even after all these years I can't get this thing going God, I’m such a failure, I’ve tried so hard.  To be a Christian, to stay in the faith, but it’s too hard.  I don’t get it, and i don't understand it.  If i did, then i wouldn't be like this.  If i was a christian, I wouldn't be doing X, Y, and Z or i would have fixed this part of myself ages ago.  I should have had a consistent routine with God by now, talking with him, I should be the ideal christian by now.  IF I had truly been a christian up til now, holy, I’ve lived 21 years exposed to the gospel, and I don’t know how to do this thing.  I should just give up, I need to leave, 

But where would I go? 

Ecclesiastes puts it so well (I love this book) when it says that EVERYTHING is meaningless.  If you really think about it, there is no point to life. To pass on your genes? To have the most toys at the end of your life? To be a powerful change in society to those who are equally as insignificant and pointless as you are? as if your possible change will bring about anything more than which is your mere humanity, which is what, simplified by science, nothing more than a generation 10000 monkey all within a world that is dying and rotting each day that passes.  

So it’s either God, or death.  

Well, I don’t want to die... Yeah I really don’t want to die, so then how do I do this

HOW can I do this?  I’ve failed so many times I could probably map out and predict up until when I’ll be depressed, what I’ll be doing during that time

God, I don’t know what to do. That’s when it became clear to me.  If you've noticed by now, I’ve used the word “I” so many times up til this point.  God just started highlighting all of the I’s I used, and he started replacing them with His name.  and it all started to click.  Maybe the reason I failed all these times was to bring me to a place where I could say, with my heart inside out, “God help me please, I don't know what to do.”  I tried to do things my own way for 3 almost 4 years now and i failed every single time, maybe its time to look towards God and not myself.   God reminded me of a passage in Numbers 21:6-9 where it talks about God sending fiery serpents to the people of Israel.  These snakes were sent to kill people with their venom because of their sin and rebellion, and the passage says that many died from these snakes.  So the people cried out to Moses, and Moses to God, who instructed Moses to erect a bronze serpent in the middle of camp (on a standard) so that if any man looks on the serpent, that even if they get bit, they will live.  Now, a thing about snakes, they're not that tall, so the area that they'll probably bite you, if you're not laying down in snake infested areas, around your feet, legs, ankles, all areas that you have too look down to see.  So you’re here, dodging snakes on the ground for dear life, when Moses comes around and says to look up at this serpent so that you'll be saved.  I’m guessing that this bronze snake was up on a tall pole or structure so that not just people in the vicinity would see it, but people all over camp, which meant that if you wanted to look at the bronze snake, you'd have to take your eyes completely off the ground.  So you're surrendering your own ability to do the best you can to defend yourself from these serpents risking death, or to look up at a bronze statue of a serpent to live.  And get this, the bible doesn't even say healed, just “will live”, meaning to me that it probably still hurt like hell when they got bit, but they lived, which they wouldn't if they tried to do it on their own.  Our protocol is just to look at Him, nothing else, not to look good in front of him, not to hide your sins, not to say this or that, but to look at God like a child and say “help please”.  

Now

How do you do that.  

🤷🏻‍♂️

I don’t know what I’m doing.  I’m trying to read more.  Pray more, I don’t know what it looks like to do what I said just now, or what that actually looks like.  But regardless of what I know, or what I understand, God is doing things behind the scenes for my good.  That there is no other reason, there can't be any other explanation than the grace that God gives me and sustains me with.  In this most darkest season of my life, I have never understood more clearly what it means to work out your faith with fear and trembling, to know that I am a christian despite all my crap, that despite how hard I may want to leave, not even I can pluck myself out of Gods hand, because of the way He’s been teaching and shaping my heart. Grace prepares the heart for salvation, it is grace that one receives salvation, and it is through grace that salvation is sustained and sanctification is occurring.  I don’t know how I got here and how to get to where I need to be, but I just know that God’s got this.  

So I’m just going to take that and run.

#testimony #doingthisforr28 #tapestryofgrace

[inmomni]

No. 13

Q: Why am I stuck on the issues and flaws I have in respect to who God is; why can I not move on to the empowerment and freedom that God grants us along with being a Christian? Why is the story of God’s grace, blessing, and  not part of my sanctification story? 

The 5 stages of grief you go through when you die to yourself

[inmomni]

No. 11

I need to clear my mind.  

And the way i want to do it isn't really the best way to do it.  Well, it’s more of a way to cloud it up so that you can't really think of the things you really don’t want to think about.  

i dont know whats going on.  Well i do, i dont know...  I am just speaking my mind as i type away on my computer right now on a Wednesday night on February 28th, just typing the things that come to my mind.  About Mindy.  About weed.  About what I've been doing for the last couple months of my life, in terms of my academic performance and also my social ones, and how i could have... in so many areas.  I see deterioration, not improvement or growth, rather something that is the product of laziness and apathy.  And, AND i know.  I know.  I soooo know that the answer to all of this is to simply just do it, to suck it up and get on with my life because time is not going to stop for me.  I am going to continue to get older, days will inevitably be passing by, and, and i dont want to miss these things.  I want to be able to reach and achieve things that i am capable of doing, when placed in a situation to show what i am capable of.  

I am also questioning the... Actually i dont know.  I dont actually know what it is.  Something about God, and how we can trust that this is indeed the way to live life, or if its all just a fake construct, something for us to grab onto when life goes array and whack.  Why can i not speak of christianly these days without a thought of doubt entering into my mind with it?  Almost asking if something like this is possible.  Is there really a God in this universe?  Is Christianity really it?  Is this really the things that will give my life meaning and purpose, is it really capable of that? Can I fully trust in what God wants for me? Can i trust in God? In terms of the Christian faith, i understand that God is one that is ultimately good, that cannot go against his own nature, that he is the actualization of Love, that he is the greatest thing that can ever and has ever existed, is eternal, good, wise, just, loving, compassionate, merciful, graceful, and yeah, he would be someone that is good for me, and i know this.  But why can't i just believe it fully?  Not as just a pep talk to myself when i doubt God’s hand in anything, but with a die hard, full strong belief that he is really who he says he is, and by those merits he is someone that i am able to trust in and rely on.  I dont even know where this is going.  Or even what I am trying to say right now.

   WHERE ARE MY PRIORITIES

What are my values

what do i need to focus on right now

what is the very thing that is placed in front of me that i need to work on getting done 

what is that one thing that God has told me to take responsibility for 

why am i supposed to do

what are my passions

what is my path in life

what do i believe in 

what are my fundamental values, foundational beliefs

what am i to do in this life

what is my purpose

how am i to achieve that

what am i supposed to do

i need help.

i want help

help for what?

how to get my life in order?

what that order is going to look like?

for what am i doing this?

why do i feel a need to change?

i am unhappy

what am i unhappy about

the state of my life right now

what in particular about the state of my life

the fact that its going mad

what is going mad

i can't get a grip on my control

so you want to be in control?

yes

control over what?

over my addictions

anything else?

over my life, my habits, my disciplines.

what do you mean disciplines?

I am not disciplined, so what i would mean from that is i want to come to a place where i am thinking of my priorities before i am thinking about what i want to do, for leisure, for fun.  When i want to smoke, i smoke, when i want to eat, i do so as well, i move by feeling, not by necessity and not by importance.  This is the reason why i procrastinate, because my desire to do thing that are not beneficial but purely pleasurable to me gets in the way of me doing things that i really need to get done.  Things that pertain to my responsibilities as a student, as a boyfriend, as a friend, as a member of a church, as a child of God, you name it.  I am moved by my desires, an nothing else, and i want to change.  I am of appetites only.  I want to be better, i want to learn how to take charge and get things done. God help me please.  Gah i can't get out of my head, or have i lost the ability to be honest with myself.  

Do I want to be in a relationship with Mindy.  Is this a question?  Or change the question a bit, Can i see myself with her in the future?

well that’s a scary question.  

i dont know, things are kinda weird right now... And i dont really know what to do about it.  Ive apologized so many times that if i do any more, ill be the death of a broken record.  

[inmomni]

No. 10

[Common Ground 1/1218]

- I know my purpose should be you, but my biggest competing purpose is my comfort. My life. My security. My way of doing things. My cues on if im living a fulfilled life. My wants. My desires. My needs, or the needs I think I need. Nothing is really surrendered to you. And I'm honestly not entirely sure I want to give that up, but I know God, I know that surrendering to you can be the greatest thing I can ever do and the best thing I can ever do. Help me to want you. Give me the desire to desire you. Give me the trust to trust in you.

- I still cannot fathom the extent of Romans 5:6-8. The fact that you came to die for us, for me while I was still a sinner. While I still am a sinner. You died and took my place on that cross, taking on my burdens and my struggles, taking on my shame and sorrow, and giving me your yoke to bear. And you rose from the dead, declaring victory over death and sin, allowing me to take part in that glory now as the veil was torn. From top down. Help me to understand. To see the fullness of your love for me and the glory you demonstrated though the cross.

- Help me. God help me to know you. Make me like David, like a man after your own heart. One who takes on the things of your mind. That things you see as good I would also see as good. Things you see as bad I would also see as bad. God that all I do would purposefully be for your glory. God grow me, search me and reveal to me the condition of my heart so that you may be able to work freely within me. God help me to surrender to you all that I am, that my mind, soul, strength would all be for you. God help me. Please. Help me. I need you. I need you to take control of my life. I NEED YOU TO TAKE CONTROL OF MY LIFE. I need it. So God help me.

[inmomni]

No. 9

I’m exhausted. 

I know that in the future, maybe 5 years later, I’ll read this and say “wow, that was a stupid thing to be stressed over”.

I have a good family, no financial problems, go to a good school, go to church, I’m starting an internship today, everything seems to be in order. Objectively. 

But, I'm still exhausted. Tired of living life, tired of going to school, currently failing 2 classes, my relationship with Mindy is questionable at this moment, I'm yearning for God but don’t know how to get to him, and even when I do know, I can't seem to bring myself there.  Life seems like a constant, perpetual shift of struggling - doing well, rinse wash repeat.  

God... I need you... Right now more than ever perhaps, because I just want to give up.  Not give up everything to you, but just give up seeing that I can’t do everything with my own hands.  And even in that, in going day in and day out, am I doing things right? Do I have excuses or reasons for performing the way that I do? Even if I do, are those valid enough? Or am I just bitching about something that I need to just suck up and do?

Something that I've learned from having a relationship with Mindy is that life is full of grays.  This may be right, or that may be wrong, but at the end of the day, it’s how you discern it as a person and how you are wired as an individual.  There is no objectivity in the way that you are to go about a relationship because how can there be an objective when there are two subjective people coming together and trying to make it work? And that’s where I don’t know how well I am going about things, or handling situations.  I’m questioning if I should even continue this relationship, because of the extent of our differences, the way that we are wired, the levels of insecurity that both of us present and our inability to get past them together, whether what she needs is something that I cannot produce and give to her, if her asking me of all these things is okay or expected of in a sub 6 month relationship, whether she should know better that this isn't who I am, and I have a hard time doing these things that she needs, if us fighting about my friendship with Sarah and Meg is an issue itself or if it’s pointing to something bigger, determining the reason why I want to/not want to hold on to this is good enough, to what extent is thinking of myself a good thing in this relationship, if what Mindy is asking for is an acceptable thing or not, if it is reasonable... So. Many. Questions.

What Mindy had asked of me more pertains to emotional stuff, stuff that i don’t or can't particularly do.  Such as being there for her emotionally through anything that she needs, whether she's hurt about something small, she's worried about something, she's scared, or mad, or angry, and... All of these things it sounds reasonable until, at least for me, it’s petty.  Something that she should not be hurt about, she expresses that and expects me to solve it for her. Or the amount of time, love, and attention that she requires from me, like I said before, I still feel like I'm acting as the boyfriend and her best girlfriend, and God at some times.  Mindy’s a lot.  Paired with a number of insecurities that makes her not comfortable with my friendship with Sarah and Meg, and so on.  And since I don’t have a standard to back my opinions up against, when she brings stuff up and says “I need this from you”, I can't argue what I think.  Because I don’t have the confidence to say that I may be right, or she claims that other couples that are much older than us and experienced say that this isn't the way to go.  What am I to say against that?  So what do I do, I shut up and do whatever she asks, or if anything, she’ll realize that there’s something off about it and then change it.  And in me being so tired, I don’t know if I have the energy to supply what she needs from me.  As of right now, I don’t know if i want to fix this.  I am extremely low maintenance, I don’t require much, but she is the extreme opposite of that.  I don’t know if thats something that is reasonable or something that is just a difference between us, and if that’s something that should affect the wellbeing of our relationship.  Is this relationship glorifying to God, or is it toxic for both os us.  Is this something i should continue to fight for, or is this something that I need to drop for my sake and for her’s.  

And with this as the cherry on top, this entire thing isn't helping one bit for the fact that I'm exhausted already, I’m so tired. I am so tired.  And on top of that I don’t think that I know how to deal with stress properly, so it’s leading me to want to smoke, I'm watching TV shows a lot, I'm playing a lot of games, I sleep more...  I don’t know, maybe this is why I should end things, but on the other hand, she could potentially help me with a lot of this.  

God... where are you.  I need you so badly in my life.  I know, like i KNOW that you're right there waiting for me to come to you again, just to find peace and comfort in your presence, to delight in you and the things that you do.  I want to be near to you, but I can’t feel it, I can't seem to bring myself to you and just surrender all of these things to you.  There’s a block, a chain that’s holding me back.  And i can't seem to see it coming loose anytime soon.  I feel like a prisoner shackeled to the walls, crying for help with a blindfold on when my salvation is right there in front of me.  As I talk to Mindy tonight, would you be in the midsts of that, facilitating our discussion and providing wisdom in all things that we talk about.  Allow us to do this in love for one another, in seeking the best for each other.  Would all that we talk about be to glorify you.  God help me. Please.  

#imtired godhelpme

[inmomni]

[inmomni]

No. 8

So.   Am I back at square one? 

“What is the point of my life?” “Why try when everything is going to fall apart?” “Am I creating meaningful relationships?” “Am I pouring into the right things?” “Nothing seems to be bearing any fruit.” “I understand that I am idolizing relationships because Im looking for things like intimacy, being loved, feeling secure, the list can go on, in other people when they can only be satisfied through God.” “But does that change anything for me?” “No. Why? Because I don't prioritize God” “So am I just supposed to wait around until I have this sudden urge for God and a change of heart?”  “Why do I want God?” “Is it because I know that he is the right thing that I should pursue? Or is it because I have other motives in mind? Is it only possible when I objectively desire God for who he is and nothing else?  That I shouldn't try to satisfy my desires in him, but that I should want to know more of Him because I just want to know God more?” “Why are you depressed again Inmo?” “What if at the end of the day Im left with no one to my name?” “Am I seeking self worth in other people?” “What are you actually desiring Inmo?” “Is it popularity? No, because at the end of the day, I know that its meaningless without good and fruitful relationships, that when the music fades, you’ll be left with no one by your side, shallow is all you will be left with.” “Am I asking too much from my friends?” “Is it okay for me to be alone most of the time? Am I okay with it? What should I be doing during this time? Thinking about God? Contemplating why my relationships with others aren't up to par with what I expect?” “What do I expect from others?” “For them to be capable of what I consider as to be ‘deep talks’, rather conversations that are far from shallow?” “For them to care about me unconditionally, to be hitting me up all the time, away but not really away, that sort of thing?”  “Clingy? Unconditional? Im not sure.”   “I think it hurts my pride to say something along those lines.” “The fact that it seems like I need them more than they need me.” “So what am I supposed to do...  Just sit around. This is why I'm trying to escape this ‘wretched’ reality that I imagine for myself.  So that in itself is another illusion of the actual reality I am living.” “I am trying to escape an illusion that I have made of my actual reality.” How pathetic.   And it starts over again, and I'm missing so many other thoughts that run through my mind, this is just a taste of what is inside.  What do I want?  What do I desire seems to be the most asked question in my head these days.  Figuring that out would give me some sort of direction or aim in my life.  As of right now, it may be that I don't want to admit what I actually want or that I really am clueless.  

Sigh

Where is God in my life? Am I even moving? No, you're not, because there is no intention shown in the way that you are living your life that you are actively trying to come closer to God. But can't God  work in mysterious ways? Yes, but  I can't seem to see him right now.  

Help

I thought going to missions would, honestly, just solve everything, but instead it made this entire struggle that much harder, as I'm torn to one side further and likewise the same direction, with my flesh winning over every single time, and my spirit dying inside, like I can actually feel it.  

Trying to drown myself in things that i thin- wait, what am I even trying to escape.  Why am I ‘depressed’? 

I don't even know anymore

Where am I going? And the cycle repeats. 

*return to top of post*

#what #sigh #backatitagain #struggles #ranting #theres so much more #im not saying #i don't even know myself #god help me