im-just-an-angel

[im-just-an-angel]

there is something so mortifying and traumatic about deconverting from christianity from an ethical standpoint as opposed to truth-seeking. you're sitting there, picking fights with god over everything he's done and encouraged, knowing full well that you're consigning yourself to unfathomable eternal torment, and only after that do you question if he's real. and those are burnt bridges that cannot be rebuilt. even if you proved the biblical god to me beyond a shadow of a doubt, i could never return to the church. all you'd have done is shown me that when i accepted damnation i was right to do so.

[im-just-an-angel]

i wish catholics understood that queer people are not welcomed in the church.

the most progressive pope in history still lambasts gender theory and gender-affirming surgery.

yes, there was some semblance of community in that space. but not for me, never for me. i was never whole, in church. the person i was in that space was always an empty shell, because i was forced to cut out my heart and insides and leave them at the door to come in.

now that i have freed myself, i am outside and whole and more joyful than i ever was in that space. can you begin to see how inviting me to subject myself to that again is not love?

i understand that you want the best for your queer ex-catholic friends. but listen to us and our experiences when we tell you about the selves we had to kill just to be accepted, and how we were only able to begin to accept and heal ourselves after leaving. i was told constantly that this desire, this part of myself, my very heart, was sinful, that it had to be culled. can you begin to see why this led me to believe i was better dead than alive?

please understand this, before you ask. that is all i request.

#second this as a queer woman #there is literally no place for us to exist #cant get married #cant join a convent #cant stay single forever #no matter how progressive the pope supposedly is #there is still no way to exist as catholic and queer #and its that way by design #also pope francis is not on our side just for saying he'll bless our unions #everything else he's done is to kick gay ppl out of the religious life #i dont think the blessing of gay unions is even him being progressive #since the only marriages that get blessed are noncatholic ones #even when hes being “progresive” hes still saying its impossible to be gay and catholic

[im-just-an-angel]

@/folkoftheshelf on Twitter has made a thread of fundraising links for Gazans. I’ve transferred the links here, please boost them as the conflict is worsening:

Help Ahmad Hassan and his family escape Gaza

Help Halla Morshed’d family escape Gaza

Help Dr. Yousef Alsweisi and his family escape Gaza

Evacuate Sohad’s family out of Gaza

Help Donia Tanani and her family escape Gaza (they are close to reaching their goal!!)

Help Zinh and her family escape Gaza (they are close to reaching their goal!!)

Help this Gazan family rebuild their lives (they are not close to their goal as of writing)

Help the Zack Family

Help Hala Jad and her family (they are at a 1/3 of their goal)

Help Walid and his family escape Gaza (they are close to reaching their goal!!)

Help Mariam Radi and her family (as of right now they are not close to reaching their goal)

Help Maha Abu Shammala evacuate the family from Gaza (they haven't met their goal as of writing)

Help Ronza Alaa and her family (they haven't met their goal as of writing)

Help Noor and her family evacuate to safety (they haven't met their goal as of writing)

Help Manar Abuqata get his family out of Gaza (goal hasn't been met as of writing)

Help Farah save her family

Help Ahmad’s family escape from Gaza to Egypt

Help evacuate Mohammed Harara’s family out of Gaza (they are halfway through their goal!!)

Help Dana and her family escape (they have almost met their goal!!)

Help Anas’ family escape from Gaza (goal has not been met as of writing, note that the money is in krona, 1 usd=11 krona)

Help Ibrahem Ra’fat Daher and his family evacuate Gaza

Help Hakam Albalawi save his family (goal had not been met as of writing)

Help Tabseem AbuJamie’s family evacuate (goal hasn't been met and only has two donations as of writing)

Rafah Masterpost

[im-just-an-angel]

i dont want god’s forgiveness. i want HIM to apologize to ME.

[im-just-an-angel]

Lullaby for Gethsemane

Because the mandate to “watch and wait” did a number on my psyche growing up.

The end of the world is not coming.

The good that is here now will keep.

The river of Lethe is now running.

Let the warm waters in. Go to sleep.

In the garden, somebody is praying.

His back, like the branches, is bowed.

The trees and grasses are swaying.

There is no way to rescue him now.

You don’t have to sit here and cower.

There is nobody you owe. 

The night of that terror is over.

It was over a long time ago.

The end of the world is not coming.

You can let your oil run dry.

The rest of the world is now slumb’ring.

Hush, child. You don’t have to cry.

You don’t have to act as a witness.

You don’t have to stay up and wait.

The world will keep turning without us.

This sin is not yours to negate.

In the garden, the crickets are cheeping.

The flowers are tucked in their bed.

It’s late, and you should be sleeping.

Give up and lay down your head.

No law says all violence has meaning.

Humans hurt, and they wound, and they weep.

The end of the world isn’t coming. 

It will never be here. Go to sleep.

[im-just-an-angel]

Look, we joke a lot, but really, "you were born evil, wretched, worse than the scum of the earth, and it took killing a god to make you salvageable, so now you'd better be grateful to that god and thank him 10,000 times a day for it and fill your thoughts with him 24/7 and abide by the letter of his every word, lest you suffer unimaginable torture for all of eternity" is a truly horrendous thing to believe about yourself and other people

[im-just-an-angel]

Hope is not a finite resource. We will not run out. Hope increases as it is shared. I will hope, and you can hope, and we will hope together and increase our stores.

Hope is infinite. This is not the end - not as long as we are still here, still hoping. There is no end to hope. This is not the end.

[im-just-an-angel]

not sure how many other cult survivors/ex-evangelical types are having horrible end times/rapture anxiety, but i assume its a lot of us. hang in there, y’all

[im-just-an-angel]

TW Religious trauma

Sometimes I don’t think I have any religious trauma and then I remember when I was little I heard the pastor say that the rapture will come when no one was thinking about it. So logically I spent a big chunk of my childhood obsessively thinking about the rapture so it wouldn’t happen and then people wouldn’t burn and I would get to keep living and going to school with my friends. Because as long as I was thinking about it then someone was thinking about it so it wouldn’t happen. And I don’t think a lot of normal children stayed up all night worried that that they were the only thing standing between God and a mass execution.

[im-just-an-angel]

Sending love and support to all the ex-Christian folks out there finding themselves triggered and retraumatized by current events. The beliefs you were taught were profoundly damaging, and recovery isn't easy. Be kind to yourselves and do whatever you need to keep yourselves stable and grounded right now.

[im-just-an-angel]

TO WHOEVER NEEDS TO HEAR THIS:

THE RAPTURE IS NOT REAL.

it will NOT happen.

The rapture was only introduced into US christianity in the late 18th-19th centuries.

Fundamentally, the rapture serves as a boogeyman to lord over believers, keeping them trapped in the church because....well....you dont want to be left behind when the rapture happens, do you?

YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO TAKE THE MARK OF THE BEAST. THERE IS NO ANTICHRIST. THEY HAVE BEEN SAYING THE END TIMES ARE NEAR SINCE TIME STARTED. ALL OF THE "SIGNS" ARE JUST THINGS THAT HAVE BEEN HAPPENING IN THE WORLD FOREVER. THEY WILL HAPPEN AGAIN AND AGAIN. AND THE RAPTURE WILL NEVER HAPPEN.

you will not hear a trumpet call and then be left alone. you will not have to survive the tribulation of apocalyptic hell with satan ruling the earth until christ returns.

i promise.

you have a future!!!! you really do!!!! life will not end suddenly bc of the rapture.

plan for your future!!! envision it!!!! think about places you want to go and people you want to spend time with!!!

in order to build a beautiful future for yourself you must envision it!!!

[im-just-an-angel]

i cannot describe how much purity culture hurt.

#this is my attempt at being articulate #like yes that did sm damage to my developing brain that even now i cannot conceptualize it without feeling a full body ache down to my bones #religious trauma #ex catholic #apostate #xtian

[im-just-an-angel]

random thought:

I think "sex is just another activity you can do with a person" arose as a response to the conservative christian "sex is the most Sacred Important Thing Ever and you HAVE to do it Correctly and only Within Marriage or it's The Most Damaging Sinful Thing That Tarnishes You Eternally." Which definitely needed to be criticized.

however when I see it expressed as like "sex isn't a special activity or inherently different than other things" I think. Well it is though?

I mean that being allowed into the intimate boundaries of another person's body inherently has more responsibilities (making sure the other person feels safe, caring about their comfort and pleasure, communicating clearly) than like...going on a walk in the park with that person

Which really just more starkly highlights how twisted purity culture is? "Sex is an activity with special significance" should mean, "If you are being really intimate with someone and you don't care about their pleasure and wellbeing and listen to their wants and needs, you could really, REALLY hurt them," not "If you have sex with anyone except the single person you've gotten married to and are committed to for the rest of your life, gross fungus literally grows on your soul."

[im-just-an-angel]

I cannot express how jarring it was after being raised by a "Porn Addiction Coach" to get into a relationship with a woman and come face to face with the fact that she did actually want me to sexually desire her.

Like, in Evangelical Purity Culture, male desire was basically poison. It was a threat. It was this constant temptation that would destroy everything. And even after leaving, in the sort of queer, feminist spaces i spend most of my time in that wasn't something that pretty much anyone was spending time actively dissuading me from feeling.

But my desire is good. It's not something that I'm being accepted in spite of. It's a positive thing. It's a bonus. Not even just vanilla stuff, all the stuff I'd convinced myself were these weird terrible desires that were shameful to have.

It honestly took me over a decade to fully accept that. To stop dissociating during sex and confront that I was, in fact, being a massive perv and that was fantastic and preferable and that I could accept that into my self-image without shame or self hatred.

But it's important to do. It's important to leave relationships that don't welcome that part of you. To know that your sexuality is valuable and valid and worth owning and celebrating. Because the alternative is just...not being. Either existing as yourself and repressing the part of your identity that is sexual or allowing that sexuality to exist but turning off your self while it does.

[im-just-an-angel]

i know that a lot of people already know this, and that this may come across as condescending to those who do, but it has become increasingly clear to me that many people, particularly younger people, don't understand this but—

purity culture is more then just thinking sex is bad and evil and gross

purity culture is the belief that you can be corrupted, that there is an level of purity that can be tarnished by thinking or doing something deemed sinful or icky and that once you lose that purity, you are lesser then those who have not been "tainted". it's the belief that seeing, thinking, or doing something inherently nonharmful to others will fundamental change you in a negative way

purity culture is watching gory horror movies and being told that you are disgusting for finding it interesting to watch

purity culture is being told that violence in books, movies, games, etcetera will make you violent

purity culture is being told that wanting to hurt someone makes you bad, darkens your heart, whatever, even if they hurt you first, even if you have no plans to ever act on that desire

purity culture is being told to forgive your abuser, rapist, or even just people who have slighted and hurt you or else you will never fully heal, or that it makes you in someway bad too, or even just as bad as them

purity culture is being told that hating someone is equally to killing them, or wanting to kill them

purity culture is when people have intrusive thoughts that scare and harm them that make you uncomfortable, possibly even triggered, and telling them that they secretly want to do, have, etcetera, those things or else they wouldn't be thinking about it

purity culture is being told not to curse because it makes your mouth filthy, makes your heart filthy, makes you mean and bad and unpleasant

purity culture is being told that jealousy, anger, rage, disgust, and other stigmatized emotions are "bad" or "unhealthy" emotions

purity culture is refusing to let youths or even teenagers read or watch potential upsetting books, shows, movies, games, comics, etcetera out of fear they will act them out, become violent, possessed, unruly, etcetera

purity culture is being told that writing, drawing, or just in general making something dark and uncomfortable makes you gross and evil

purity culture is telling you that you have to portray bad things as bad or else people won't under that it's still bad, that it will normalize this bad thing, that people can be corrupted by it because they can't think for themselves whether this bad thing you portrayed as good is not actually good

purity culture is thinking bad things done for good reasons is just as bad as bad things done for bad reasons, like a mother stealing baby formula to keep her child alive versus someone stealing your pet because they wanted it are equally wrong

purity culture is being told that drinking, smoking, being addicted to drugs, unemployed, homeless, makes you lesser and filthy and corrupts you

purity culture is believing that someone wanting to do something bad, but choosing not to do it because they know it's bad, still makes them bad because they still want to do it

purity culture is thinking people getting tattoos, dying their hair, piercing, wearing make up, getting cosmetic surgeries secretly hate themselves and are disrespecting themselves

purity culture is so much more then just sex. it expands so much further then just christian/religious people and communities

purity culture is doing something bad, and when you try to seek atonement or correct the mistake, that it is unforgivable and will alway be a blight on you, even if others can "learn to look past it"

if you think that someone thinking or do something that does not cause any inherent harm makes them lesser, makes them bad, makes them gross, corrupts them or can lead them to corrupting others, you are pushing purity culture

this is coming from a women raised in an extremely sex negative christian household who spent years hating herself and her body due to sex based purity culture being pushed onto her from the age of six due to early puberty by the way, so don't try to gate keep purity culture on this post as only a religious and or sexual thing

[im-just-an-angel]

—about god

[im-just-an-angel]