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ihatemyselfbutidolovetea · 1 month

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3/27/2024

I'm feeling better. There are a few stressors in my life right now but they just have to do with school which is fine. I have a few thoughts right now that I want to write down.

I worked out at the gym today. As I left the building I noticed a card in the parking lot. I picked it up and saw it was maybe an invitation to a funeral. I saw who died, just some middle-aged man. He died this year, 2024 and I could only think to myself, Jesus it's already 2024???? What the fuck happened. How much time is just going by really scares me. I felt bad about leaving the card on the ground so I propped it up against the trunk of a crabapple tree that was beginning to blossom.

I'm feeling a bit conflicted on the Teacup issue... She's been socially withdrawing from her main social circle, and instead of maintaing her connections, it seems she scrolls on Twitter, and bed-rots, as she and Schmudd described it. She just seems to... react to what's relevent to her world. That's a very human trait. But what's not normal is not acknowledging the wider space she's creating with her friends. This is pretty much a telltale sign of depression. Women are also good at avoiding painful situations. She might feel guilty for leaving her friends in the dark, but if she explains what's going there's a risk of shedding light on something with her. I'm not saying she's a narcissist, but unhealthy people tend to go into an unhealthy spiral because the healing process is painful.

I've always looked up to Teacup for being an honest and outspoken person. However, she seems to be outspoken to a fault She'll say edgy things, post her hyper fixations regardless of what other people think but she draws a line with personal problems, anything that could possibly make people close to her worry about her. I've listened to her speak on her trauma and how fucked up her childhood was, and she'd always frame it in a lighthearted comedic light. Most people do that, no one wants to give power to their traumatic past so we laugh at it. But this insistence of convincing her peers that she's fine and not to bring serious attention to her problems. I can see this in her relationship with Schmudd since they've been friends for so long. I think there are other factors to why she's not communicating with specifically him, but *A* reason could be that they have a very powerful and emotional connection so he has the ability to put her in a painful and uncomfortable position.

However, I could be wrong. All I have to go off of is theories. There is a painful conversation she's avoiding but that avoidance might have multiple driving factors. Schmudd has an intense personality. It's not just him being edgier than a /pol/ user, he has a novel on everything especially when it comes to stuff he is closed-minded about. Most people like it when their peers say yes to most things. Schmudd is a compulsive purist too. If you're doing something irresponsible then he will not like you. Teacup maybe feels guilty around him, not accepted. He said mourning over the CN building was stupid, maybe she thinks "well, if he thinks what I like is dumb then he's not going to care about my life." Personally, I don't care about what he says, I maintain a friendship with him wherever I can. I felt like a piece of shit when I confessed to him about my past with drinking, but we're past that now. She might feel guilty over wasting his time with the roommate talk, she could be aware that she was more involved in his life when she could live with a responsible guy. But after finding new roommates now there's not much conversation other than feeling bad over how the situation played out. Why doesn't she have a heart-to-heart with him about it? Well there's an admittance of fucking up in the first place. Not just with Schmudd but other aspects. Women tend to make bad choices but want to find some way of coping into feeling like they weren't bad choices. Perhaps saying some rather unkind things to Schmudd could be the result of that. Teacup might not be satisfied with her living situation. It seems like she didn't pick the best of roommates to bunk with. It was clear from day one to attempt to work with SNAFU, she wanted to move out asap, didn't want to wait for Schmudd when the opportunity arose, and might be regretting the decision. But that would mean admitting she made a bad choice, that she should have bunked with Schmudd, and now she can't and might have to spend money on living somewhere else. I hope this isn't a reason but; I've ruined her friendship with Schmudd. I think I would be hurt if my close friend of five years and I were cool up until this random person just walks in and my friend starts talking to them for hours and hours and have this deep meaningful connections after only talking for 8 months. Perhaps she liked Schmudd for all these values he brings to the relationship but maybe on some level she thought he needed her more than she needed him. Admitting to needing someone is one thing. But it's different when you've believed that someone needs you and then this other person becomes your friend's favorite person and you think "shit... I guess my friend doesn't need me anymore..." I really hope this isn't the case. Once again all these are theories, they could all be right or wrong. But I do believe there's an issue with depression and opening up herself to be vulnerable in her relationships, why it's happening, I don't know, and I might not ever know.

It is disappointing, I will admit. I idolized this woman for being confident and blunt with her opinions. I saw Schmudd praising her for this confidence and not caring what other people thought. "If you have something to say then say it." is what she said. It inspired me to be more honest with the people in my life and embrace myself no matter how much I hate myself. I wanted to have a connection like Teacup and Schmudd's. It makes me want to cry when there's a failure to connect. When I got the chance I didn't just want to have a connection with Schmudd I wanted to have a meaningful connection with my art senpai as well. I still want to try... I don't know how successful I'm going to be. The fact that she might ignore my attempt at a connection does scare me. However, I want to try because I believe we have the potential to connect, I've felt it since high school. Or maybe I'm crazy. Nonetheless I want to understand her.

Besides that Schmudd is still very important to me. It really bothers me when he's used, people sever their connections with him, or don't see him. He's been such a good friend with me that I just don't understand why people are cruel to him. Schmudd is not a perfect person, obviously. But the amount of cruelty he's suffered at the hands of other people is sickening. He deserves better. People have done bad, maybe some people have fucked up irreversibly. Even so, everyone deserves at least one person in their corner to support them at their lowest, be it a friend, a partner, a family member, whoever to tell this person "I love you, we'll get through this together." When he's been deprived of such things it makes me go "well no wonder he's put up his walls and doesn't see anyone as human and wants to go live in the woods." I'd be the same if that happened to me. While he can be venomous and almost take pride in being mean, I've seen him be a kind person. He consistently takes the reigns and does what he can to make people feel comfortable. When his objective is make this group experience go as smoothly as possible by being entertaining and charming, he'll do it. I think that's so admirable. Behind those walls is a kind person who wants love and acceptance from others. But all these traumatic experiences have cut off this need. The more he needs it, the more hurt he will feel when he doesn't get it. He looks to me, sees that I have needs so ignores his own to make sure I'm happy with him. And he makes me happy. He wants to support my dream however he can. Despite how good our companionship is, he will want to retreat into the walls, when my all my dreams have come true I will look to him and say "I am content, I no longer need you." And he will sigh a breath of stoic defeat and he will say "I hope you got everything you needed out of me." And then he will walk away, disappear from everyone's consciousness, never to be seen again. I never want to be that person. I never want to see him as a means to an end. I can never imagine walking away from him. So it baffles me why other people would cut him off.

Sometimes when I'm in a bad mood eveyone leaving me is inevitable. Sometimes I wish I could become only my content. That's all everyone will think of when they hear my name. "All I need Sophie to do is draw her comics and nothing else." Relationships are hard. People's needs are draining. It almost feels like people need the moon and the stars from me. But I love the people in my life too much to let them down. If they do leave me, at least no one could say I didn't try.

#diary #me #personal

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ihatemyselfbutidolovetea · 1 month

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3/25/2024

I'm coping with so much pain and stress.

Jayson took me to planet fitness and showed me how to use certain machines. That was so sweet of him. He even showed me breathing techniques. I loved getting rewarded with smiles and head pats from him... It was nice up until he sent me home. I might have eaten something bad because my stomach was hurting. I thought it was my period until I started shitting my guts out for a bit... I went to work anyway cuz I wasn't sick.

So here I am now... lonely... my reproductive system trying to kill me and seeing chunks of flesh the size of goldfish in the toilet... waiting on my hands for how my graduation application will be received will I be allowed to graduate early? Will I have three classes? four classes five? What if there will be no classes available that I need to graduate for the summer? what if it takes me another year? I'm so scared of this not going to plan I feel like throwing up I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this please stop... May's coming... the month I have to prepare I have to get insurance from my job... it feels like I have to grow up now... I know I have to. But all those years of playing and being happy and free feel like they were in a dream and I'm about to be woken up.

Jayson has been talking to me a lot. I'm happy that he's gone back to the gym. He's happier just like in the old days. And since he's back to being happy I could see him smile more. I was with him and staring at him and involuntarily said "you have such a nice smile." I think his smile was the first thing that I fell in love with... That's why I need to do this I need this plan to go right. I cry in pain at the thought of losing him.

Before I spiral there are other things I wanted to meditate on... I've been thinking a lot about Schmudd... I keep thinking I'm getting everything about this wrong... I think he feels multiple complicated ways about me... I confessed to him something terrible I did, something that goes against his moral principles and you know how he reacted? Nothing. No emotional reaction. Nothing positive or negative just emotionless disapproval. And yet I was on the verge of tears that I couldn't lie to him and make him think I was a perfect angel he could idealize. I wonder if Schmudd's mental state is suffering when he gives me the #1 Disney Princess reward of having a high value man ignore other girls in favor of me. Which is not love, I would never say I let that happen out of love. It's a seprate feeling because I like it when he treats the other girls in the server nice and gentlemanly. He might even flirt with them. But I'm not too bothered by it because I know them. But I will throw a tantrum if he's going about it with strangers. But here's the thing. His illness gives him the urge to be alone and completely unavalible to anyone

pain too much can't think. maybe I'll finish my thought another day

still in pain. but I have now found new pain and stress. I cried in the bathtub, ate some stress gummies and made some tea. Still crying. I wanted to talk to Schmudd but I didn't want to vent my problems on him if he was suffering too. So I asked. No answer. Asked again. Got a passive aggressive response that essentially translated to "fuck off leave me alone." So I cried in the bath and went offline from discord. It's not fun to be rejected by your best friend and I don't know how I'm going to handle it in the future, having this pattern of rejection. I don't know why the two most important men in my life ended up being the kinds of men that are pleasant most days, but then randomly they will reject you and want to be alone and you can't rely on them right now. Is this how most people are? Regardless it hurts. I feel abandoned.

This experience made me realize something. When someone does something to make you angry, whether intentionally or unintentionally it boils up these feelings of range. But if it was JUST because of the incident the problem would be solved. in the flames of that rage the core is that you feel wronged, yeah? It's rage inducing to know that someone had that much power over you. So you want to take that power back. Maybe by making them angry back, hitting them, being passive aggressive, anything to send the aggressor into a rage that makes them lose control. Ergo, you have won the situation, you are powerful and dominant. Schmudd did something to me that hurt my feelings and made me feel unsafe. And something tells me that if I voiced my feelings with those exact words he's not going to care. Meaning he has taken power from me, he finds power in pushing people away and being comfortable with being alone. By begging for his attention and validation I have lost. All I could do in that situation is flee and go gray. If he really valued my kindness and companionship, he'd eventually get out of this funk himself and message me to apologize. Whether or not he ends up doing that is out of my control. On this day we'd usually hang out in VC, but if it ends up not happening today, then I'm not gonna try to hang out. I'm too sad and defeated.

Am I mad at Schmudd? No just hear broken... There's no point in being mad at a severely mentally ill man. He promised me safety, but its confusing when mentally ill people can't/don't owe anyone safety really. It is what it is...

Time to escape into Fruits Basket! yaayyyyyyy

#vent #diary #me #personal

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ihatemyselfbutidolovetea · 3 months

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2/6/2024

Hi... I'm going through some confusing things and I want to vent about it. I could go on and on about him because he's part of my personal life and we have a tight TIGHT companionship. I'm saving any discussion I have about my thoughts on him as a person for a later post, but the delays are making it so I can't make any posts. So I said to myself "fuck it," I'll just go into a bit about him now. I debated with myself if I should use his real name or his screen name. I thought using his real name would be fair since I refer to Jayson by his real name. Plus talking about him with his screen name is weird because I don't refer to him as that in my head, and this diary is supposed to be a reflection of my thoughts. But I have to refer to him by a different name other than his own, the wiki page in my head lists him as his screen name so... yeah. I shall refer to him as an abbreviated version of his screen name.

So Schmudd was having a back-and-forth with someone in Teacup's server, which only ever happens once in a while. I won't go into details about the conversation because it's not relevant to the subject at hand, but the topic turned into voice acting. I thought the other guy was being reasonable, but Schmudd's walls were up, he did not give a shit. When I see him talk to people with his walls up, clearly showing how he does not trust them, I just ignore it. When he talks about subjects that are important to him, he doesn't need my soft energy being all like "heeyyyyy let's all get along, every point of view is valid" He's a grown man he's going to deal with issues his own way. I also ignore it because it makes me wish he'd trust people, I think he has a lot to offer others, but that will never happen if he actively hates everyone. He offers a lot to me, and I feel selfish when he offers himself like that but to no one else. It just means the ball is in my court to show others what he offers, but I can only do it with the only methods I know how.

With all that established I can get into my reaction from this exchange. I do get uncomfortable when he talks to people like that, only because I'm worried for him. But this was a different kind of uncomfortable. I read the words he posted, each word secreted venom. I could taste the venom he spat out, and felt no worry for him. Instead, I could feel a pit forming in my chest. I watch him say those things, and treat others less than human, and I get this dark gross sense of satisfaction. "Yeah, that's him," I say to myself as the darkness grows into something that would take great pleasure in eating me alive.

#diary #me #vent

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ihatemyselfbutidolovetea · 3 months

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2/9/2024

Anxiety vent hooray

I'm not doing well, shocker. My best friend has been offline and hasn't been answering my texts for a few days no. No word from him, no warning just-- I'm so worried about him, my mind is taking me through every worse case scenario. I want to hear from him know that he's safe but I can't.

I hate myself for seeing the red flags but doing nothing about it. I feel like the worst friend on planet Earth. I've really tried to not start self-blaming because, in all likelihood, it has nothing to do with me but still those thoughts "Why didn't you reach out to him when you had the chance?" "You were selfish, and now everything is ruined" "This was the easiest friendship you could maintain and you STILL managed to fumble the bag"

What if he never comes back? What if the reason he's gone and didn't give me an explanation is because he's in trouble? What if it's something so troubling he can't let me know...? My mind is racing through all the bad things that could happen to him I don't want to list them out as a risk of jinxing it.

Maybe my goal for this year is to not be so anxiously attached in my relationships. I can't seem to function well, this sudden absence is all on my mind. He promised me he would never leave me, he said he never wanted to disappear from people only because he didn't want to put me through the abandonment. Those words he said to me really made me think... did I do something to make him feel that dealing with people, even me is not worth it anymore? It's also made me feel the pain of having that unlimited access to someone's time, kindness, and patience, only for it to be gone in the blink of an eye, never knowing for sure if it'll ever come back... It reminds me of the pain I would get when I get close to my school teachers and then they gradually disappear from my life...

I don't know what I'm going to do... just cry about it until he comes back...

#diary #me #vent #anxiety

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ihatemyselfbutidolovetea · 4 months

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12/31/2023

Well, here we are at the end of 2023. I don't remember if I did an end-of-the-year diary entry. This has possibly been the most stressful year I've been through and I imagine it will get harder and more stressful. All that means is that I am participating in life like everyone else on the planet. I've made new friends, I've gained new experiences, I got a new job, I've learned more about myself... Despite the stress, I'd say there is a lot to appreciate about 2023.

This one is going to be a long one... I've been getting into Jennette McCurdy's work, and I listened to her year-end review podcast episode. So instead of just talking about my year in a stream of consciousness, I'm going to start with answering the same questions she did in her podcast.

What is your proudest achievement?

I'm proud of maintaining a job while going to school. I think the previous me would have definitely given up by now, but knowing that I'm about to reach my one year of working for Jewel makes me feel more confident. I feel like I can do more.

2. What or whom are you most thankful for?

I'm thankful for a lot of people in my life to be honest, it's hard to rank them all. But if I had to say, my confidante would be there. There are people who try their best to motivate me and support me, and honestly bless their hearts for trying. But I feel like no one really talks to me the way he does. The way he radically accepts me, and trusts me. The way he will stay up all night to give me a friend to talk to and enrich my life. The way he forgives me when I honestly don't deserve it. It is the kind of forgiveness that doesn't make me feel, "welp, all's well things are normal." It's the kind of forgiveness that inspires me. At one point in the heat of despair, he asks me what I gain out of our companionship and I wish I could have said this. I just said garbled prattling. I hope we can continue to be companions.

3. What surprised you most?

I had a very traumatic November. The month wherein Jayson didn't want to be with me was something I was not prepared for. Everything shitty leading up to that was equally painful. We were fighting a lot. Edit: I wrote down some memories of our fights, but I decided to delete that part because I honestly want to forget those moments and leave them in the past. Jayson will probably want us to forget those bad times. And I'm getting old, memories that would have haunted me as a child or a teen don't stick with me anymore, the perks of having a goldfish memory bank. I know Jayson regrets how he's acted. The day he took me back was polarizing. I loved him, and I wanted to be with him, but the tiger parenting and the abandonment made me hesitant. Ultimately if he was willing to give me a chance to grow as a person, then I wanted to do the same. We are still together. When I told my cousin we repaired our relationship she asked me if I was happy. I didn't know if I was but after spending time with Jayson again, I was reminded why my heart chose him. Right now we are very happy, and we are excited to move forward in our lives.

4. How has your relationship with yourself changed?

I think this was the year I've done the most changing, ergo my relationship with myself has changed. I still struggle with loving myself, I'm still overcritical, I struggle with forgiving myself, and I beat myself up when I've not improved enough. What has improved is my strife to understand what my own needs are and I'm more motivated to go after what I want. I want to try new things, face more fears, be myself in a way that is loud and confident, and unapologetic. I've come to appreciate how impenetrable my optimism is. I get sad, frustrated, and insecure, but I don't feel trapped in my negativity. No matter how much I dislike people, no matter how dark and scary the world seems to be, I somehow manage to find reasons to smile.

5. How have your life goals changed?

I've added more life goals whether that would be the long-term or the short term. Some goals have been taking me a long time to achieve, but I don't think I've ever given up on a goal. There might have been some advice my peers have given me, I try them and then decide they aren't for me so I stop. But I don't think that counts...?

6. How have your relationships with your friends and family changed?

I'll start with family first. I've grown more emotionally distant from my siblings. Reese is still brotherly to me but he's involved with the school so much that he's evolved to a level of communication I cannot talk with. Aki just hates me. Gwen is difficult to talk to, we're on different levels of development. I don't really have the desire to grow closer to them. I still want to maintain a good relationship with my parents. My relationship with my mom hasn't changed. I've grown to appreciate my dad more. Although my dad has a bad case of Trump derangement syndrome. All he watches is neo-lib socialists that make whole-ass careers outta saying "Orange man bad" a million different ways. I'm not political by the way, I just don't understand how my dad is entertained by this. Despite that, I love my dad and now that he's retired, I can look back at how hard he worked to give my family a great life. Outside my immediate family, I've spent quality time with my cousin for girl talk, which is nice. Next, I shall talk about my friends. Friendship is difficult to maintain as an adult. Especially if you aren't going to the same school or working at the same job. I've already discussed the rough patch with my boyfriend but we are improving things. I have other friends but I just don't know how to say hi or strike up a good conversation. I crave connection, I get frustrated at small talk or when I feel like I'm not being fully understood. This is why I talk to my confidante so much. The conversations we have feel meaningful. I'm anxious that I spilled my spaghetti on him sometimes. Edit: I don't like going back and removing my thoughts from my diary after I post but geez -a-loo I made a classic example of spilling my damn spaghetti. Our relationship has gone through some changes but I ended up focusing too much on the negative because I let my pride and ego cloud my judgment. You could tell I my head was up my ass cuz I focused too much on how it was affecting me and not the fact that I should be worried about how he's been sick and was making concerning jokes about himself. I'll write more about this concept but damn I needed an ego check. I really want to try to become proper friends with my art senpai. But I will have to get over my inferiority complex if I want to grow closer.

7. What do you wish you worried about less?

This is going to sound incredibly cliche, but I wish I would just stop worrying about what other people think. I still do and it's stunted my growth, it is almost in the realm of ruining my life. I want to stop letting people affect my mood, stop waiting to hear other people's opinions, and stop pretending like I understand how people are feeling when I really don't. The Healthy Gamer put out a video about rejection sensitivity and it pretty much summed up my problem

youtube

This is why I can't seem to sit with neutral or negative social interactions. All logic tells me that I won't loose my confidante as a friend, but the fact that I'm feeling the lack of presence or maybe feelings of disapproval more than anything positive makes me anxious. I end up spiraling and I keep asking myself what should I do to fix this now that I've fucked up the friendship. I think this also why I have a desire to be babied. A baby or a little girl will most likely have immediate approval just by existing. There's safety in knowing that whatever I do will be met with patience understanding and support, and not the risk of judgment or disappointment. It also leads into body dysmorphia, a problem I have relapsed into again and again when I thought I was over it. "Oh if only I was smaller and cuter people would like me, they'd want to take care of me, but instead I'm a tall ugly adult woman who's a total crybaby and needs to grow tf up." The dysmorphia really fucks with me and I wish it wasn't just a problem for me in 2023.

8. What is your funniest memory of the year?

I can't really think of anything Laugh out loud funny memories. I was more stressed out than laughing. If I had to pick it would be the strange Chicago whether that brought upon holiday tone switches. On Halloween, there was a big snowstorm. The snow didn't stick and pile on the ground for too long but just the amount made it difficult to walk or drive in it. You'd think something like this would happen on Christmas but no. On Christmas Eve there was a thick layer of fog that made my town feel like Silent Hill. I'm not kidding, the stores and Christmas decorations made everything feel so creepy and liminal. It was the strangest thing. It's funny how things turned out like that.

9. What new or renewed friendships do you cherish?

I cherish the friendships I have now. The only ones I can think of is the friendships I want to renew or plan to add to my life. I want to be proper friends with my art senpai, this is true. There are also a few friendships I've grown distant from due to being busy. One of my closer friends seems to have left Discord out of nowhere and I need to find a new way of contacting him.

10. What bad habits do you wish you'd changed?

Ohhhh so many bad habits I should have dropped yesterday. To list off a few, general laziness is a big one, overeating, and over-stimulation leading to short dopamine bursts; i.e. laying on my bed watching YouTube videos or worse watching pornography. There's also negative self-talk and the habit of jumping to bad conclusions. We've talked about how I'm so afraid of rejection and negative reactions from others. I also want to stop being so conflict-avoidant. I don't want drama, but I don't want to tolerate bad vibes in my life like I normally do just to keep a social circle or just to keep the peace. If there is conflict I want to limit how sensitive I can be. I'm just a sensitive person and I don't think that will change. But being overly sensitive has held me back in terms of social competency. I can't just take a joke, and I get overbearing to others like constantly asking how they are feeling. If I'm too clingy I end up trying to be too present in their lives. If I don't get a text back that causes a spiral of self-blame. Day ruined. I also want to stop touching and picking at my face so much. I'm getting older and my skin will not be as forgiving if I pop a zit and it leaves a scar after picking so much at the scab it left. Some good habits I want to introduce in my life are waking up early again, going to the gym every day, regulating my emotions through meditation, washing my face every day, keeping a weekly schedule, reading more books instead of fucking around on YT, exercising my creative muscle more, eating healthy, and cleaning my room regularly. All of this will be helpful on my journey to excellency.

11. What theme do you want the next year to take?

I will be doing a lot more self-exploration. But I will not be just sitting around waiting for an epiphany. The quest for excellecy requires me to take action. So my theme for 2024 will be turning into a fully realized woman. I've been a woman for a long time now, but during that time, I had an aversion to calling myself a woman or engaging in womanhood. I was carrying what most people would call internalized misogyny. I'm not talking about traditional women being class citizens to men and their only purpose is sex, making babies, and making sandwiches kind of misogyny. It's I don't understand women very well so I should just not try to engage in active feminity. That being having more female friends, wearing make-up, decorating, fashion- all these things I thought were choices made by women to impress other people. But I've discovered that engaging with yourself this way is all part of growing up, and self-acceptance. It's not that I hate women it's just that I've yet to realize who I am as a woman. My identity is very weak. It might be why people find me boring after a while. There's nothing about me to latch on to, nothing solid. When you are a child you can wear whatever you want, roll around in a messy bedroom, and be fluid with your identity. It's not an issue specific to women, but I am a woman and I want to emphasize that. I'd say I'm an artist before saying I'm a woman. I don't mean take a megaphone and shout to everyone about my pretty pink princess. I want to make more independent choices for myself. I want to fully engage with my interests and not just observe them on the sidelines. I want to decorate my room all coquette and princess-y. My art senpai is what inspired this need in me. She doesn't just express her excellency through her art but I consider her a fully realized woman, brimming with confidence and maturity. I want to be the kind of woman that knows what she wants. It's a big reason why I wish to be proper friends with her. This leads me to my next point; having more female friends. You might notice that my life is very male-centered. The most trusted people in my life are my boyfriend, my confidante (who is male), and my dad. Plus all my other friends are guys. Having a lot of men in my life is not inherently bad. I love the men in my life very much. But I always thought something was missing from my relationships. There was a lack of freedom in conversation that I could not achieve with my male peers. To do this I must get over the hurdle of anxiety in messing up or failing to make a true connection.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭

End of part one (kinda) I think I'm going to save the rest of what I wanted to say until tomorrow. Until then Happy New Year. I will appreciate how much I've changed!

#personal #diary #Youtube #me

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ihatemyselfbutidolovetea · 5 months

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12/12/23

This is going to be a rather awkward and confusing vent. I'm just going to have to word this as if I've talked about this subject before.

So I have finally been rejected by someone I hold dear. I should be happy about this turn of events but I don't feel happier. Still, rejection is not fun.

It's like eating all your Halloween candy in one sitting. And once all that sweetness is gone, you're left with tooth decay, stomach aches and everything else you eat is just bitter... bitter... Why the fuck did I do that? Because I'm a glutton. And gluttony has a price and that is self-loathing.

It's funny that the confession to the rejection happened in a way I didn't expect. I confessed, got accepted- somewhat- I felt loved for a few weeks, and then when it was no longer convenient FOR ME, that's when I got the rejection I'm used to.

I can be mad about what happened all I want but I deserve this. I am suffering the consequences of choosing suffering, and sin. These are the consequences of what happens when I regress as a person and hide behind a man that I've wanted since I was a child. As I've said before, no matter what I choose I will carry the pain of the situation, there is no happy ending because nothing ends. These feelings will follow me until my final breath.

It's not just the rejection that was getting to me. I fear that I am becoming another disappointment in his life. Like I'm going from an angel who can do no wrong in his eyes, to another voice in the ether that needs him, never to give back to him in a significant way. He is addicted to this drug known as the wire, the connection he gets from these relationships. I'm worried I'm becoming part of the problem. A clone of the same bitch that uses him, who needs to be loved a shoulder to cry on with nothing substantial to offer back. The same bitch who's all like "He I'm doing this bad thing can you be daddy and validate me???" He was talking to me about driving or something...? I can't remember the specifics. I questioned his statement. His response was "You said the exact same thing as these people I was talking to." The swell of anxiety and insecurity was palpable. I hate it. I've had it done to me before, being compared to the majority, and it's led to bad memories being present in my mind. I was trying to tell him how such statements were affecting me, but either I didn't talk about it well enough or he didn't hear me. It could be an ego thing. To be told that I'm so special, only to be pointed out how in this specific situation I am not special. I've spent most of my life not being special. Never to be with the cool kids for not being special.

Nevertheless, I can't be upset with him. I did say that he could give less of a shit about me and I'd still like him. I could never hate him, I could never walk away from him no matter what. It's not because of my dumb schoolgirl feelings. I do genuinely love him, and I don't want anything bad to happen to him. If I'm not part of the problem, not like everyone else, then I will be sticking by his side through thick and thin. Because of this rejection, it's made me question if he really meant some of his expressions of amorous to me. It could have been flights of fancy, never to be sought through for all I know. Everything he said could have been to get a reaction out of me. Or he could have been completely serious. I'll never know. But what I do know is that he has genuine love for me. He doesn't push me away to hurt me, I know the reason why he says what he says. And that's just the price to pay when bonding with humans. You get close to someone enough they eventually hurt you, if not sooner than later. All that matters is that you have genuine love for the other person.

This will take some getting over growing pains, but I do not regret my decision. If I care about both these men then I have to be honest about what I want in my life. I'm genuinely lucky neither of them aren't permanently out of my life.

#personal #diary #vent

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ihatemyselfbutidolovetea · 5 months

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look at me I'm all Christmas-y, and my hair looks cute af.

my fit when I delete half my posts on Twitter

#fashion #me #personal #selfie

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ihatemyselfbutidolovetea · 5 months

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11/22/23

This isn't a vent just something I've been thinking about recently that I'm trying to put into words.

So we can all unanimously agree that babies and children are annoying right? You're probably a weirdo if you enjoy listening to babies cry or children screaming for no reason. I'm sure at one point you wanted to tell a parent of a crying baby to "shut that kid up." I work at a grocery store filled with young families, and it has really tested my love for kids. It is different when it's your own kid though. You don't like it when your kid is being loud and rambunctious but you accept it because "they're kids that's what they do." A baby doesn't pop out of the womb knowing who they are and what their place in the world is. And that's why they cry, scream, act out, etc... They push boundaries, it's how they learn. A child doesn't know they're place on this mud rock or this grand scheme of existence. So they act stupid in order to find it. I don't mean when a child touches a hot stove, and that's how they learn to not touch a hot stove. I mean acting stupid and loud as a way of discovering who they are. This process doesn't just stop at kindergarten, it can go all the way to the end of high school, maybe even college. A child does just as much learning internally as they do externally.

But what happens when that child becomes an adult and the only discovery she's known is "don't touch the hot stove, don't touch the hot stove-" That's all well and good but how do I cope with relationships, taking care of myself, what do I want besides not touching a hot stove? This is the basis of my identity crisis, I no longer know who I am.

So Jayson called it quits on our relationship, and I'm not just heartbroken, I'm devastated. It hurts so much when he says I'm just his friend. His reasoning was that I'd been attending community college for too long when I said I'd be graduating years ago. That's his claim but I think there's more to that. Jayson was head over heels in love with me but that love fizzled out because he fell out of love with this version he got to know. My whole world was being an artist, being Jayson's girlfriend, and being sad and shy. That was it. This is my identity. People would tease me for being so emotional and shy. And I would wear these qualities like a badge of honor. My dad told me once that I should "get over being shy." Why should I get over an integral part of my personality? It's who I am. My tag on my art Tumblr is "absolute crybaby." Hell, look at this blog I'm writing on! The UN is "I hate myself." And it's never changed, I still hate myself. New flash; being shy, and self-loathing aren't personality traits or virtues, they are character flaws. For YEARS I haven't changed, I have been the same person since high school.

I want to be loved for me. Not for someone to love me for who I was in the past nor who I will be in the future. But I don't love me for who I am in the present. This is why I don't deserve a boyfriend.

Since the split, I've noticed even more just how people treat me. It makes me upset. It makes me want to lash out and be resistant to any love I receive. "I want to be a queen," I never understood why Alice would repeat this. Who wants to be a queen? Who wants to have that much responsibility? Queens have attention, but they work for other people until they get old and die. But that's not what being a queen means. A queen takes control of the madness around her because what's not mad is her and what she wants. I'm not they're yet... It's clear to me that no one thinks I'm there yet. It's not that I want to be a strong independent woman who don't need no man. It's that I don't deserve a man to love me. Times have changed, me being shy and anxious most definitely won't land me a husband who can take care of me and the family we create on one income. Would I be able to find a man who will be attracted to me for who I am now? Yeah. But give it time, and he will eventually grow to resent me based on my stagnation as a person. And that's what happened to me and Jayson. He tried to accept me for who I was now, but this seedling wouldn't grow. Attraction can only get you so far. At some point, you have to ask yourself, "am I the reason why she isn't growing up?" So you leave.

A guy should hate me for crying and refusing to put my toys away. But at the end of the day, why would you badger a kid to "grow the fuck up"? You can't. So you treat that child accordingly. And it feels so alienating trying to maintain adult relationships...

#diary #personal

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ihatemyselfbutidolovetea · 5 months

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Hey beautiful I am sorry if this offends you but I find you really attractive and I’d like you to be my sugar baby just letting you know my intentions incase you will be interested... we could talk terms and weekly allowance later .... just basically paying for your time. Dm me🥰

lol

#yeah no thanks bro

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ihatemyselfbutidolovetea · 5 months

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this just in- I wear my daddy issues on the outside as I do on the inside~ I'm really practicing my makeup, I tried my best. Still, though,I need to get better at taking photos of myself. You can't see how cute my ponytail is

#fashion #me #personal #selfiie

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ihatemyselfbutidolovetea · 6 months

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my Halloween tradition is to dress up as madotsuki because in every way expect physically, I am her

#personal #me #selfiie #yume nikki #cosplay #cat

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ihatemyselfbutidolovetea · 6 months

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10/23/23

This isn't good. This is just.... not good. It's relationship issues so it's not like I can go to my friends about it. As much as I can ask other people to affirm me and tell me I'm good, I need need need need NEED Jayson to let me know that he doesn't think I'm a failure, he's not disappointed, he forgives me for being late on graduation and he recognizes my accomplishments.

Here's how arguments have been structured for the last few years; We piss each other off somehow---> I notice Jayson is upset and then I try to make things right by apologizing saying where I messed up but I will try to advocate for myself and let Jayson know how he's making me feel---> Jayson does not receive my attempts and then goes on a barrage of criticisms towards me which is mostly "when are you gonna graduate???" "Why aren't you making progress with moving on yet??" "You promised you'd graduate last year and you didn't" "I believe in you but I've heard this all before." Even when the argument had nothing to do with school in the first place, that's always brought up 98% over every single disagreement. As much as I want to keep working towards it, this pressure just kills my motivation. It doesn't get my ass in gear it just makes me shut down, and have destructive thoughts. Trying to be productive in these conversations is a fool's errand, and I should have learned a long time ago, that when the conversation turns to this, that's when I bounce.

But I really messed up this time. I lied to Jayson, I told him I made an appointment with a guidance counselor when he asked. I didn't, I was planning on doing that when I got home. But by the time work came up this rat race I'm in was just damaging my mental state. I needed a break really badly. If I'm not on campus then that would mean I don't meet with a counselor. My lie would have been exposed. So I had to come clean. I tried making actual appointments with guidance and a career counselor to make it hurt less, but the damage was done. He was not happy at all. There was nothing I could do it make it right. I hurt Jayson by lying. He told me it would hurt less if I just told him "No I didn't make an appointment" upfront rather than lying. Now I'm left with Jayson really thinking I'm a failure. Not just in life but being a good partner.

I'm just so ashamed. The self-hatred is back. Why does living hurt so much? It hurts to be in a body and it hurts to be with other people. It hurts to survive. It hurts to keep up. It hurts to leave my house. It hurts having to face shame every day. Of course, I can't tell Jayson what I'm feeling right now. How could I? After what I did, Jayson might never trust me again... I just hate myself, I'm such a coward. How can I deserve a relationship when I'm this much of a mess... I have no one but myself in the end. It's me being a mess, not my anxiety or my childhood. I can apologize for that mess ad nauseam but the mess hasn't cleaned up. No one's gonna force me to clean, no one's going to hold me accountable. I will get no comfort from being a mess.

There's something wrong with me... Why can't I be normal? Why am I busted? I just ruin everything good I have with the way I am. My talents, my past successes, and all my efforts will never be enough. We are put on this earth to survive, survive with each other. You are responsible for playing by the rules.

I just want to feel better...

#personal #diary #vent

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ihatemyselfbutidolovetea · 7 months

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OPTIMISING THE SLEEP + MAXIMISING YOUR BEAUTY

This post is all about how to optimise your sleep and beauty at the same time <3 I hope everyone can use at least one tip today and apply it to their sleep routine.

Have a sleep schedule

it is ideal for us to sleep at the same time, and wake up at the same time everyday. This is so our bodies are producing what we need at given times, and healing us of any injuries without interruption + strengthening our circadian rhythm(regulates our alertness and sleepiness)

Create a good sleep environment

Before you go to sleep, make your room clean and wipe off any excess dust, a cluttered room makes for a cluttered mind. Turn off all lights and close curtains. Having a good sleep environment allows our body to shut down more easily.

Avoid caffeinated drinks and high sugar drinks before bed

Caffeinated drinks should not be consumed 4-6 hours before bedtime possible, which does include soft drinks. It keeps you alert, which causes trouble for your sleep. Sugary drinks before bed reduces the quality of your sleep.

Have time to wind down befor bed

Don’t do any high focus activity, or high intensity exercise before bed. Our body and minds need time to release the stresses and excess energy from the day. Reading, mindfulness, disconnecting from social media, journaling are some things we can do.

Avoid doing high focus activities, exercising and eating in your bed

Your brain should only associate your bed with sleeping or relaxing, or else it makes it harder for you to go to sleep easily.

Minimise naps during the day

This can contribute to any sleep complications, if you really do need to nap, keep it under an hour.

Sleep on your back

Sleeping on your side or stomach can cause asymmetry in your face. Plus, allowing your face to touch your pillowcase can cause acne because of bacteria.

Use a sleeping mask

Blocks out most of your sight, minimising the distractions in your sleep. Make sure it’s a comfortable one which you wash regularly, or it can cause acne.

Sleep using a silk pillowcase

Pure silk can be very beneficial for your skin and hair but also minimises the skin pulling on our faces.

Wash your face before snoozing

The excess residue and dirt on our face transfers to our pillowcase, which we use the next day and causes acne. + an unwashed face can lead to breakouts.

Sleep with a humidifier

For my dry skin girlies, a humidifier allows for your skin to stay moisturised during your sleep, to wake up to bright, glowing skin. This is really recommended, as we are getting into winter.

Brush your teeth before bed

This can help remove any prior food particles, protect from any bacteria and regularly doing this limits the ability for plaque to build up + bad breath is minimised in the morning

Use an overnight moisturiser

For my dry skin girlies, again, using a good overnight moisturiser can help keep your skin glowing throughout the night.

wearing a bonnet

Reduces having tangled, messy hair in the morning and protects your hair from too much friction. Silk/satin ones are recommended.

#important

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