iamafreakmagnet

[iamafreakmagnet]

"the safety bus"

can't figure out how to pronounce ambulance - no matter how many times it is repeated or spelled? no problem - just call it "the safety bus." sound effects were added but completely unnecessary given that there were at least 15 attempts at pronouncing it. we've got it...

#bustales

[iamafreakmagnet]

sometimes you have to stick to practical matters regardless of what's going on

after hearing a couple argue at length about how often they'd cheated on each other, with much swearing and obvious unresolved anger involved, he yelled to her as they got off the bus, "hey! you got the breast pump?"

#bustales

[iamafreakmagnet]

dating DON'Ts

"you must never ask your brother out!" sound advice. i guess.

#bustales

[iamafreakmagnet]

apparently you can make anything sound dirty

is it possible to make, "i'm standing on a bus right now" sound dirty when you are facetiming someone and clearly flirting? yes. yes, it is.

#bustales

[iamafreakmagnet]

out of the mouth of babes

just heard a little girl (about 3) tell her brother (about 5) he’s going to hell.

his response?

“you’re not god!”

#bustales

[iamafreakmagnet]

stop commenting on my physique

i staffed our booth at a conference recently. as is often the case, an innocent-sounded conversation quickly turned.

it was one of the guys in the both next to us. he was behind me in line to get some appetizers, and opened with his wanting to follow the pretty girl from the both next to him. i smiled and said hello.

he asked what i do to stay so fit and trim (he revealed that he runs triathlons so that seemed logical and innocent enough), but over the course of the next ten minutes he made half a dozen other comments on my low body fat (two of those), my physique, my being so thin, and THEN two comments on how i just need to "tighten up a bit" if i want to do an obstacle course race my brother and i are considering doing (i asked if he's ever done one) but that i'm already in better shape than a lot of the people who do them. 

his final comment of the day was overheard by his booth partner, when he said that part of the reason i look so tall is because i'm so thin. his booth partner looked really uncomfortable and told me to take with that what i will... that i'm tall.

i declined his invitation to join them for drinks.

#enough

[iamafreakmagnet]

how NOT to talk to someone about their special needs child

while at the grocery store i overheard a conversation about a man's very young special needs child, which was obvious based on his talk of hospitals and her milestones, largely centered around her talking. in addition to her now saying hi (to which he was cautioned to immediately teach her not to say hi to strangers) he spoke of her generally "talking" more at home. got the impression it was general baby talk. the response of one of the women? 

"let's hope whoever she's talking to doesn't talk back... you know, like they did in poltergeist."

#seriously

[iamafreakmagnet]

identity theft protection at its finest

cashier: can i see your ID? you don't have a signature on the back.  me: sure.  <pause>  me: what's the last name on that card? cashier: <tells me> me: okay.  <obviously evaluating several things in my wallet - including pulling out two IDs - before handing him one>  me: here you go. cashier: <glances at it, then hands the card back> thanks!  me: <pausing, as i'm starting to realize what just happened> cashier: <with a small smile> always good to have a backup... identity theft protection at its finest.

#madehimsmile #doesntcare

[iamafreakmagnet]

please don't make your roommate do this

if you have a cyst in your butt crack, please don't make your roommate check it for you. just don't do it.

#tmi #gross

[iamafreakmagnet]

i don't want to know what you do in the tub

a coworker came in one morning and told me that she'd taken a long, hot bath the night before, sitting on her bubbling bath mat. 

9am is too early to tell me about how how much you enjoy sitting on your bubbling bath mat. actually, it's never a good time to tell me about how much you enjoy sitting on your bubbling bath mat.

#tmi

[iamafreakmagnet]

leon, where have you gone?

shortly before i left college i adopted a baby rat. a friend had one that i liked, and she was helping a friend find homes for a bunch of babies, so i decided to adopt one. as a baby, he was adorable. i named him leon.

shortly after i adopted leon i moved to the city, into a house with a bunch of roommates and several cats. as leon grew he became less cute and more unnerving, as he jumped continuously against the lid of the cage, trying to get out. gone was the cute little guy who would crawl around, and i was now in possession of a seemingly neurotic one that wasn't that fun to play with.

he clearly wanted the freedom to move about, which i couldn't give him because of the cats, so i went back to my friend who gave him to me and asked if she knew anyone who wanted him.

fortunately, she did! a mutual friend who still lived in the college town was happy to take him. truth be told, it was a relief. i took a trip back and gave him to craig, who promised to take good care of him. 

i didn't give much thought to leon after that until a few months later, when my friend told me leon had taken an adventure. when i asked what she meant i heard a story i wasn't prepared for.

one craig took his orange VW bus for a drive in the country and took leon with him. he was on acid at the time, and during the drive was talking with leon. leon apparently told him that he needed to go - he needed to be free. naturally, craig listened, pulled over on the side of the country road, opened the door, and freed leon, watching him disappear into the night. into a field. into the elements he'd never lived in. 

i don't know that much about rats, so i don't know if his sheltered life gave him a disadvantage when it came to protecting and fending for himself in the wild, or if it is something that he would know instinctively. what i do know is that a rat would be high prey for a number of creatures in the middle of a field in the middle of nowhere. 

obviously, i never learned what happened to leon. i'm sure his adventure was at least initially quite exciting and full of interesting things to smell, explore, and eat. i'm guessing it kind of went downhill from there.

i relayed the story to friends back in the city. one was in a band and wrote a song about leon, entitled, "leon, where have you gone?" 

it's hard to say. 

#characters #cantmakethisup

[iamafreakmagnet]

i made his jaw drop because...

as i approached the register at a store the early 30s-ish guy behind the counter looked at me and his jaw dropped. literally dropped. confused, i approached the counter.

guy: <staring with his jaw hanging open>

me: hi.

guy: <pause, while he continued to stare at me> oh my god that is SO COOL.

me: <confused look>

guy: your HAIR. that white streak is SO COOL.

me: thanks!

guy: you're just like rogue!

me: <confused look>

guy: you know, rogue? ROGUE. from x-men?

me: <shaking my head to illustrate i do not know>

guy: you don't know?! oh my god, rogue is... <insert about a full minute of super fast super excited super animated talking about who she is, why she is cool, how she got a white streak, and did he mention how cool she is?>

me: <very amused by how animated and excited he is, which is probably coming across as my looking interested>

guy: <shaking his head as if he couldn't believe it> seriously, that is SO COOL. 

i thanked him, went on my way, and promptly googled x-men white streak to find out what in the world he was talking about. it appears there are worse people to be compared to.

#enthusiasticnerd #clueless

[iamafreakmagnet]

there are some things you just shouldn't claim

one afternoon i sat at work and sent a document to the printer. i had a printer about three feet behind me, so when i heard it start printing shortly after i sent my document i got up to retrieve the papers.

as i grabbed the papers a colleague came sprinting across the room, yelling, "THAT'S MINE!"

confused, i looked down at the papers and did not see the letter i had printed.

i saw porn.

asian porn.

printed in black and white.

on a work computer.

at 2:00 in the afternoon.

i looked up just as he reached the printer and snatched the papers out of my hands, running back to his desk. stunned, i stood there for a moment before i retrieved my papers.

naturally, i shared the information with a few work friends and learned that he had a particular liking for asian women. well, that explains that, then.

doesn't explain why one would print that at work. in the middle of the day. when the office is full.

he worked there for about another year before leaving. he never looked me in the eye again...

#characters #inappropriate #really

[iamafreakmagnet]

i had no idea my name could be so offensive

the first three lines of an agenda for a conference call involving staff (aka team members) in multiple offices: o Welcome Barbara McXXX (not me) o Staffing update (Detroit) o Jingle Mingle – Barbara XX (me) the meeting emcee (a marketing director) addresses barbara mcxxx as barb, but quickly corrects herself and says barbara. barbara scolds the emcee (her boss) and says she does NOT like the name barb because to her a barb is - and i quote - "an annoying sharp object." let's look at the agenda again - the one she, too, has access to. well look-ey there... about five seconds after she's introducing herself to the team i'm scheduled to talk. me - BARB.  the entire team was muted so i couldn't hear any reactions besides my own ("WHAT?!") and that of one of my colleagues in my office, whose gales of laughter were only interrupted by his saying, "i've got to write this down... you can't make this stuff up!" hey, barbara - did you not see that my name is pretty much RIGHT UNDER YOURS on the agenda? perhaps you should keep your opinions to yourself until you learn what name i go by? great to meet you!!!

#seriously #people

[iamafreakmagnet]

DAAAAAAAMN, girl... you look GOOD in black!

i stopped at a little cafe to pick up some breakfast before work. the woman working the register next to the one i was at struck up a conversation. woman: DAAAAAAAMN, girl... you look GOOD in black! me: well, thank you! and good thing, because i wear it all the time. woman: really? me: yep. i love black, but i’m also a lazy dresser and this way everything goes together. woman: <laughing> well, at least you’re honest. woman: you know, they say that black is MYSTERIOUS... me: i did not know that. interesting... woman: <getting very animated> you know what you need to do - go to the dollar store and pick up some black nail polish… me: <mentally raising my eyebrows> woman: no, really – do that for me. then you come back here so i can see it and then i'll think, damn… now this girl is REALLY rockin' it! me: <laughing> woman: seriously, though, you really look great in black! i smiled and thanked her as i walked out.

#characters

[iamafreakmagnet]

no, you may not bring my dogs into your house

i was out walking my two retired racing greyhounds and was stopped by someone i'd never seen before. after asking what they were he asked the typical questions - how fast are they (top speed 45mph), are they hyper (no, very lazy) and then - about two minutes into the conversation - got me with one that i hadn't heard before.  "can i bring them into my house and let them run around?"  he seemed very surprised when i said no.

#characters #nofreakinway

[iamafreakmagnet]

the neosporin incident

i was in the kitchen at work and saw someone rummaging through the drawer that held the first aid items. she'd cut her hand, had an open wound, and was clearly in need of a bandaid. 

before putting the bandaid on she wanted to apply some antibiotic ointment. given that this was a workplace, one would think she would apply it to the tip of an unaffected finger and then put it directly on the wound, or apply it directly to the bandaid. no. she applied the neosporin directly onto the wound - so the tube TOUCHED the wound. she replaced the cap as if this was normal behavior. 

you may elect to do that at home (i wouldn't), but in an office of more than 100 people you should not put a common item in direct contact with an open wound.

ever.

#gross #seriously