emptyxroses

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I think thats it

net een ongemakkelijk gesprek gehad met snow. hij bleef maar over zijn toekomst plannen praten. maar blijven zeggen oh wat zou je viinden als ik in een van ga wonen. oh wat zou je ervan vinden als ik in mf japan zou gaan werken. En elke keer probeerde ik wel suuportive te zijn maar deze keer ging het gewoon niet meer. het is niet eerlijk. waarom gaat alles altijd om hem. waarom is het altijd ik en niet wij. nee ik vind het niet leuk als jij in japan gaat wonen want waar ben ik in dit verhaal. ja maar jij wilt nooit wat. ja dus??? je weet toch hoe ik ben. het is niet eerlijk.

Hij heeft 0 commitment voor me. hij wilt niks van me. en ik denk dat hij zichzelf lange term ook niet bij me ziet. hij denkt ik verhuis en dan gaat t toch uit. dus dan kan ik alvast gaan kijken wat ik hierna ga doen. ik zei het net al tegen hem maar hij denied het; ik ben gewoon nog een levensstijl. hij wilt geen kinderen maar de echte reden is dat hij niks permanents bij zich wilt hebben. hij wil altijd zijn opties open houden. ik ben verdomme fucking land verhuisd om bij hem te zijn denk je dat dat ook niet een deel van mijn toekomst aanpast en mijn plannen? liefde is dingen opgeven voor elkaar maar als hij iets moet doen is het gelijk nee gaan we niet doen want wat als ik zometeen in een busje in canada wil gaan wonen om alleen te streamen. wat een egoistische mindset. en dan niet eens fucking sorry tegen me zeggen. de kamer binnen komen van ja ik wist niet dat JIJ zo zou zijn. WAUW THANKS. godsamme wat is iedereen nep. ik ben boos maar het boeit me toch niet meer, nog 2 maandjes samen en dan ben ik weg. voor altijd. kan hij lekker reizen wat ie wilt. hoop dat ie gelukkig is.

Ik fuckuing haat iedereen want iedereen is zo godverdomme nep. Familie waar je geen zak aan hebt. iedereen die maar zegt moet je leren accepteren. vriend die je niet in de toekomst met je samen ziet. waarom ben ik hier nog. Weetje ik begon me de laatste tijd een beetje schuldig te voelen vanwege mijn plannen dit jaar omdat snow zo liefelijk was en zo romantisch. Maar dat is nu toch weer weg. hij is zo al weer verder met een andere levenstijl. Zoek dan gelijk een fucking meid die ook van reizen houdt. Ga mijn niet de schuld geven dat ik niet avontuurlijk ben. Dit WEET JE VAN ME. ik heb een heel leven in 1 fucking huis gewoond en dan verwacht je dat ik hier gewoon chill mee moet zijn. zoek het uit. Ik ben toch zo dood dan is iedereen lekker van dat probleem af. Dan is ons liefelijke nederlands gezinnetje weer compleet en kunnen ze lekker samen praten over denial van mentaal misbruik en kan jij lekker je fucking wereldreisje maken. iedereen doet alsof ze het menen als ze zeggen dat je niet dood moet. maar weetje wat het echt is he. ECHT IS. ze willen gewoon niet moeten dealen met je shit. en als je dood bent zitten zij ermee. ik zie het nu al. Als ik iets zeg over hoe ik me voel is het toch daar gaat ze weer. ik kan niet wachten tot ik dood ben.

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So fucking impossible. I feel so ignored in my life. No one really seems to care enough. They will tell you what theyre conditioned to tell you. I have literally told everyone how badly im doing but no one is really offering any help. Why does anyone expect me to keep living.

Im going to leave in 4 months, and knowing this is the only reason i can sleep at night. Suddenly im so much happier than last week! Craaazy right?! I literally tell my bf i dont want to live and all he says is well i love you and i dont want you to go. I have a permanent status online saying i dont want to be here long term, no one cares. I have told many people i wont be able to make it because i have to take a depression nap. Maybe saying you have depression or you want to die is so normalized no one reacts to it anymore, maybe i have been like this for so long people think its normal or im just an attention seeker... but i want to go a humane way. I want to say goodbye and i want people to say it back. Just anything to not feel ignored or alone. Asking if someone is ok and then suggesting looking for help elsewhere is not the vibe. What am i supposed to fucking do. I will ctb this year and i hope to god no one finds my method and takes it from me because i refuse to suffer, bleed or break. Let me rest and respect me

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I feel upset and scared. i feel like im not anon anywhere. im paranoid someone will find out who i am. i dont even have anything to hide besides my never ending void of sadness.

I cant mask my depression, i wish i could. i wish i could mask for 4 months and get so tired i kms. but i cant. and it chronic at this point so i wont even be able to get any better. i keep falling back in pattern, missing things i dont even miss and hoping something is going to change. wake up nothing will change unless you do something. i dont want to do something. im over it. i dont want to lose what i have, but i dont even seem to appreciate what i do have right now.

Getting so desperate to the point where i am trying to shift every night, hoping i can just stay away. or just stay away long enough and i figure myself out. i want to leave. i cant tell anyone. i didnt know you werent supposed to share all your feelings with your so

I share everything with my so, i love him and i want him to know how i feel. i share happy thoughts, curious thoughts, questions and worries with him. i thought this was normal. he says i need therapy again but i dont think so. it wouldnt make a difference. i ve tried, and its nice and all but nothing in me will change. i tried masking for a few days and he told me how much happier i seem. i almost told him about something that kept me up all night but he saw me hesitate and i said it was a worry and shut up. he said good. i really didnt know relationships were supposed to be like this and idk how long i can keep up my half assed masking

I game, i stream and i make videos. masking in videos is easy, just edit out the bad parts. live streaming is hard when you want to die. i had a bad stream today, i think i was quiet and im scared people are going to notice. i told them i probably wont be on much this week, and i know people will miss my streams. but i dont want to embarras myself. i dont want people to know how i really feel. it will make everything awkward. no one knows how to deal with a depressed friend. i dont blame them. I dont either.

But if you cant share it with the people you love, you cant get therapy anymore, you cant try medication because all attempts went horribly wrong. what are you supposed to do..? forever write on a stupid anon acc on tumblr? switching it up with edtwt every once in a while? its pathetic and i wish i had a better answer to my own question, ive been asking for a decade now. i cant believe i am still here. its not a good thing.

[emptyxroses]

snowflakes

after the ice queen was killed, she shattered into millions of snowflakes, each and every of them being a wonderful thin beauty, luring in everybody.

The little snowflakes would be gratified to have you, as a soon to be thin beauty, join them.

[emptyxroses]

˚♡thinspo! ˚ˑؘ🍥

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Guess what, another thinspo ♡

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got banned of my twitter for being sus, lol sorry i relapsed after 5 years

#thinps0 #anamia

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i love it especially when i'm dizzy or too tired to do anything

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I think im really going to go do it. its beyond fixing at this point. im not truly happy and when i do feel happy, its just a temp moment of forgetting how i really feel or i just feel bad, like th euniverse is trying ot tell me im not suppose to feel this way. im scared and afraid, knowing no one can help me end this or help me get better. im so stuck, and i want to get out, if not by the good way the bad way it is. i need to prepare someone to take care of my girls, leave instructions and all my passwords and pin codes before i make it even harder on others. just need to stick to the plan fr this time. after so many times ppl dont even take it serious anymore so i can just say what i want at this point. its so bad that he thinks i dont love him anymore now. which is everything from the truth. i wish i was normal. i wish i didnt break down in public, or at all. i wish i didnt waste food like i do and i wish i wasnt such a snobby spoiled brat. if no one is going to put me in my place i might as well will. I love you and im sorry i could never be the skinny pretty and succesful girlfriend i wanted you to have.

#personal vent

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I said I wouldn't but I've been thinking about it. I think I'm really going to go through with it. I'm so scared. I feel so alone in this. Went from occasional daydreams to googling the supplies and planning a date...

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I've been slacking off, but il be skinny for you. Just wait baby

#thinspo

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i want to get drunk and i want to starve and i want to cut myself and i want to stop taking my meds and i want to isolate and i want someone to care but i don’t want anyone to fucking come near me

[emptyxroses]

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things I can’t imagine

someone having a crush on me

someone randomly seeing me and thinking ‘wow she’s cute’

someone getting happy because I messaged them first

someone thinking about me, in general

someone wondering how I am

someone finding me attractive

someone doing something to try and impress me

someone asking their friend on what to say to me 

someone wanting to get to know me

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Reasons why I'm getting back on track:

I need to be skinnier then him i need him to point out that i look sick

I need him to believe me

I want to be able to look small in my clothes

The euphoria

Maybe my parents will finally listen

To finally get bad

For him to be too scared to touch me

To prove everyone wrong

For my chest to be compleatly flat

The bruises oh my god

22 inch waist

16 inch thighs

To finally be good at something even though ive failed at everything else, i will be skinny

[emptyxroses]