disorderly

[disorderly]

as i get older i really do understand why people abuse substances now

[disorderly]

Crying your eyes out because you hate who you are to your core<<<<<

[disorderly]

Fuck people who give you 10% when you give someone 110%.

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[disorderly]

Forgive yourself for all the unhealthy habits you picked up on when you were in survival mode.

[disorderly]

From the bottom of my heart, I hate people who are consistently vague on purpose. I hate when people don't give me a clear answer about something because I need it to feel safe. I don't like being left up at night wondering the severity of something. If I should be worried sick as I usually am about something, or if in the end, it'll turn out that I never needed to spend those hours freaking out at all. I need things said to me blatantly with full truth so I don't have to sit there guessing. I like being told exactly when things are expected to happen. I like being warned about things upfront. I do not enjoy surprises when it comes to the safety of my relationships.

#bpd #bpd vent #bpd problems #actually borderline

[disorderly]

I’ll always feel this impenetrable dread that no matter what I do, no matter what I say, or who I’m with, there is just something so specifically wrong and off-putting about me. As if every word I speak, thought out, unplanned, it’s all wrong. I can’t say the right thing, because when you’re me, there isn’t a right thing to say. I feel like my demeanor comes off hesitant, like I’m learning to be human for the first time and testing the waters despite having swam in them for as long as I’ve been alive. I’m not new to meeting people or talking to people, yet I feel like something about me lacks skill that everyone else was gifted with at birth.

This dread follows me in every part of my life, as if my interests are something to be embarrassed about sharing. As if the way I want to dress defies what other people think of my personality when meeting me. As if people are staring because the outfit I’m wearing doesn’t suit their taste no matter how simple. Like I’m just interesting enough to be publicly stared down at, yet never enough to stand out. I feel like I’m not allowed to have basic bodily functions, as if when I talk about my issues, mentally or physically, I’m not allowed to have them. I’m not allowed the human experience in the eyes of other people because it shapes my identity in an unpleasant way that gives me too much personality or baggage. I hardly feel allowed to have a personality unique to myself in most environments because that would be too identifying. To fit in, I need to be a mold that can be shaped…and yet I am none of what people want me to be, and hesitant to step up and with confidence say that yes, this is me. This is who I am and what I am absolutely definitely known for. And it upsets me because I feel like if I was anybody else, I wouldn’t be this way. I’d be able to fit into everyone's cracks perfectly and cure what they were missing in life. I’d be able to lead a life that fulfilled me emotionally with plenty of wiggle room for even the mistakes I’m making now, but only if I were just about anybody else.

#vent #bpd #bpd vent #bpd problems #bpd things #actually traumatized #traumatized

[disorderly]

cluster b culture is really genuinely thinking that this next thing is going to fill the empty hole inside of you. and then feeling hopeless when it inevitably doesn't

.

[disorderly]

Bpd culture is getting upset whenever you see your fp being close w other ppl

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Now I just feel the intense urge to kill myself and bleed out on the floor about this

#like seriously entire fucking day ruined now thanks I was in a decent mood till that

[disorderly]

sorry i left you on read, i almost killed myself, impulsively cut my hair and sobbed in the bathtub

[disorderly]

Why does it feel so good to just give in to your BPD symptoms? It feels so good not to fight it.

[disorderly]

Sometimes I do genuinely feel like I need to beat the ever loving fuck out of someone to feel better like there's such a thin line holding me back from swinging on people that piss me off

#I greatly underestimate my own anger I think I'm a sweetheart I guess then I'm pissed off or jealous and am throwing things #and trying so hard not to dislocate someones shoulder over a minor inconvenience

[disorderly]

God I fucking hate him with my whole heart sometimes like seriously. Seriously?

#you continued doing the same shit even when I asked you to stop #You'd STILL DO IT #and because you cut your nails a week ago you can claim you no longer do it? okay but you continued to do it regardless of me saying shit #you didn't cut your nails cause you were tired of me saying shit about it. you cut them when YOU wanted to #cause you kept doing it even after I said things a couple of times #I do it once to respond to a friend for 10 minutes then you act like the biggest fucking ass on earth #as if you don't have all day to sleep. as if you don't have all day tomorrow to sleep #as if I'm not gonna be gone tomorrow all day to work #as if I wasn't gone from 7-12 today either when you could of slept and WERE? #you need to sleep right now when I come back from work seriously okay #and if it bothers you then why didn’t you assume it would bother me all the times you did it yourself #or are you bothered by me doing it because I asked you to stop...even though you LITERALLY STILL KEPT DOING IT #vent #rant #oh my god wtf

[disorderly]

shoutout to people who don't have a "before" the trauma.

shoutout to people who don't have any sweet or nostalgic childhood memories. to people who don't remember enough of their childhood to know what the before was like. to people who lost their innocence before they ever learned the word for it. to people whose pasts were too painful to keep around in any form. to people who only knew trauma, and don't have an idea of what life would be like without it. to people who can't long for "the better days" because there weren't any.

you deserve a good future. i hope it's there for you soon.

[disorderly]

I say I have to be smart with money as if I don't have a hair appointment tomorrow to do skunk highlights and possibly a haircut

#well I had a consult with her a few weeks ago just to see what she thought she could do #cause lowkey the underneath of my hair is this weird off shade of blonde brown from when I bleached and dyed it purple #then I've been doing the top part of my hair with black box dye #it's pretty faded now though

[disorderly]

I hate the way you talk to others.