discovering-ellie
Discovering Ellie
Discovering myself, one day at a time.
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I’m still here. I know that I have a lot of posts to catch up on but, like, I didn’t realize how much of a fucking vibe Halloween Horror Nights is.
Photo Credit: Princess and the Bear
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September 1, 2021 - Post Two
Hey, sooooo today's card came for me today. This card came HARD. This card came for blood, sweat, and a whole lotta fucking tears -- though, surprisingly, I haven't actually cried yet. Whatever. The point is, this bitch did not come to play, she came to slay.... and she did. Because, damn.
Usually, when I end up pricking from "Curiosity & Joy," it's because I feel like there's some sort of lesson that I need to learn that day. I was feeling that vibe when I picked this card and, sure enough, it came with a whole ass lesson.
Front: "How can I love more?"
Back: "There are few better questions than "How can I love more?" This invites us to look for opportunities to connect more deeply with others in all of our relationships. Sometimes it will mean putting more energy into being present or generous -- even when you don't feel like it. Sometimes it will be about being more present and generous with yourself -- even if that feels self-indulgent. Spend 5 minutes thinking about how you can cultivate more love for yourself and for those around you. However it manifests itself, it is a beautiful filter through which to engage with your world."
My Interpretation: Okay, so right off the bat, I'm going to say that this was definitely one of those "give yourself a gift" moments. When I first read this card, I had a plan in mind for what I was going to say but then, as a certain leather pants-clad chaotician once said, life, uh, found a way for this card to have a whole different meaning today.
Originally, I was going to say something along the lines of how I can show others that I love them by small gestures such as spending more quality time with them, allowing myself to participate in deeper, more heartfelt conversations, and by occasionally giving small "I saw this and it made me think of you" gifts. For myself, it's allowing myself grace during times where I'm especially hard on myself, or allowing myself to relax and do something that I enjoy rather than shame myself into working harder.
But THEN.... THEEEEEEEEEN, I was thrown the curveball.
A couple of week ago, I alluded to hurting a lot of people because of my actions and how that caused a lot of guilt because, hey, I don't want to hurt anybody. I never wanted to hurt anybody but, regardless, that is a thing that happened and I can't change that.
Today, I was met with an opportunity to either let myself repeat that same pattern and hurt the exact same people with the exact same actions or, instead, approach it from a different angle with different choices and a slightly different mindset.
Much like not taking the bait with my dad's text from the other night, I chose not to take my own bait by letting my behavior continue. Sometimes, loving more means admitting when you've fucked up and offering options to begin the process of making amends.
One of the bigger reasons I'm even in therapy to begin with is to improve my trust, openness, and the way I relate to people so I can build healthier connections with the people I care about rather than continue to let myself be mostly closed off.
This card relates perfectly to that situation and while, yeah, my anxiety is running a little high right now (because, honestly, admitting when you've fucked up in a big way IS a very high anxiety moment), I'm also feeling really, really good about the choices I've made today.
I don't always make the correct choices in the moment but, in THIS moment, I can say that I feel like I made a better one than I have previously.
DBT Skills Card Update: Can I just say that this whole day has been an exercise in establishing valued relationships? Because.....
ACT Skills Update: I really only had one "big" emotion episode this morning -- and it wasn't even completely related to this.
* Emotion - Stress
* Duration - 15 minutes
* Trigger - Facing the situation from two weeks ago pretty much head-on, but also dealing with my boss who seemed to be stressed out for some reason.
* Physical feeling - I had a very rapid heartbeat (like, almost the anxiety attack levels that I used to have in my pre-medicated days) and some tenseness in my shoulders.
* My reaction - I took a couple of deep breaths before practicing my defusion and expansion techniques. Then, I talked through the two weeks ago situation before potentially coming up with a solution/compromise.
Overall, while I've still got some growing to do, I'm feeling really good about how things have been going at the moment. Again, I want to thank you all for your continued patience with me as I go through this. I know that I can be a lot to deal with at times.
"I'm allowed to be happy. I'm allowed to be healthy. I'm allowed to have a wonderful life."
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September 1, 2021 - Post One
Day Eighteen and these damn cards are coming for me again.
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August 31, 2021 - Post Three
Time for my weekly post-session update!
I swear, these 45 minute sessions seem to go faster and faster each week! I'm coming off of this session honestly feeling really, really good about things.
The way that Kelly organizes our sessions is pretty simple:
- Settle in with a deep breath and some neck and shoulder rolls to relax into the session
- Check in about how the last week has gone
- Follow up with skills that I've learned/have worked on to see how they're working
- New business/new skills
- Wrap-up with a grounding exercise
So, this week we checked in with all of my skills (self-compassion break phrases, defusion/expansion, and my journaling). I told her about how I don't even always remember doing my self-compassion break phrases anymore, though I know that I've been doing them, because they're finally starting to get ingrained into my routine and become a habit. In terms of defusion & expansion, we discussed how those have been really, really helpful for me in terms of handling my emotions because now I have this tool where I can acknowledge and sit with it, but then also this other tool to help me pull myself out of it a little bit and I like how they act as a tag team in that sense. I detailed my emotion journaling for her a little bit more and she asked if I ever had the chance to document them in the moment or if I always reflect after the fact.
In the moment, I type up everything in the note app in my phone so then I have it to write down in its own separate journal later on. At this moment, I add extra information if it's necessary. She had the realization that this act of real time journaling is a form of defusion in itself because I'm able to shift into the observer standpoint. Which, damn, I hadn't thought of that before, but she's got a point. I really like what defusion and expansion have done for me in the short time that I've had them.
Then, as usual, she asked how I felt about these three tools and I told her that I really, really think that they've been useful for me. They've helped me exist with my emotions in a way that I haven't been able to before and that I feel better about having to deal with them now that I have these tools to work on.
She noted that I seemed much more confident than I had come off as before and asked me why I thought that might be. I explained that the tools have been a major help, but then also mentioned that I had been sharing my journey "almost to the point of being ad nauseum" with you guys and how that's helped to open up some really wonderful conversations and how that's helped lead me to places where I relate with so many more of you than I ever thought possible in ways that I never even knew I could. I also told her about how I've been sharing my skills that I've been learning. She asked me for a couple of examples, so I gave her a few that have stuck out to me the most for a couple of reasons and she asked me how I felt about them. Being able to relate to you guys on all of these new levels because I'm allowing myself to be vulnerable and open about my journey is amazing because I don't feel nearly as alone as I did and, while I wouldn't wish a lot of these experiences on anyone, it's really comforting to know that there are other people who can relate. However, on the other side of that coin, I also feel really sad that I allowed myself to be closed off for so long because I've missed out on connecting with so many other people the way I've been connecting with so many of you.
It's kind of funny (not funny "ha ha," but funny "weird") in a way that I've found my way to trusting others by the managing and acceptance of my emotions. She asked me if I could see any connections to the situations, and really all that I could think of was that the way I handled/didn't handle/was afraid to handle my emotions prevented me from opening up and trusting others -- especially when those emotions were things like shame, fear, and sadness. She reminded me that working on my trust issues was one of my goals that I had mentioned in our first session together and just, wow. It feels really, really good to see that start to come around while working on something else.
Usually around this time, we work on a new skill, but she always doubles back and asks if anything comes to mind. Usually, I say no and we continue on.
Though, this week I decided (for some reason) to bring up the texts that my dad had sent me a few nights ago. I explained the beginning of the situation (how I set the "no politics" boundary and that was crossed, which devolved into a semi-public argument on Facebook, which then resulted in him deleting and blocking me) to how he has been telling relatives that I was the one who did the deleting and blocking and won't return his calls and texts (bro, what calls?), to the texts from the other night.
We discussed that for a little bit and I said that, in that moment, I was thankful for the skills that I had learned with her because it gave me enough of the insight to recognize the bait, know the consequences of taking the bait, and decide against it because of how unproductive/damaging that situation would have been. A past version of me absolutely would've taken the bait and it would not have ended well. I also admitted that there was a little bit of guilt about not responding because, hey, I should try to defend myself, right? but, ultimately, I knew that I did the right thing, despite knowing that I know that I'm going to be painted as an even bigger villain now.
In terms of my own behavior in the situation? I'm proud of myself because I know that I couldn't have done anything to make the situation better. I don't regret my response or lack thereof and I'm proud of the progress that I've made to get to that point.
Which brings us to a *new tool* to add to my practice: The Circle of Control (or Influence. I'm using "Influence" because "Control" seems a bit too harsh). I mentioned that this ties in a lot to that "There is no control" mindfulness card that I had about a week ago and how control is, well, pretty much nonexistent.
More on this here.
The basic idea is that there's a circle (your circle of influence/control) and then there's everything outside of the circle. Inside of the circle are the things you can influence (your reactions to a situation, what you say, etc.), and outside of the circle are the things that you can't influence (other people's actions/thoughts/etc.) and to recognize that so that you can redirect your energy accordingly.
So, as an example, the situation with my dad. What he said to me, how he chose to react, and even what he tells to other people about the situation are outside of my circle. My reaction and how I carry myself going forward are inside of my circle, because I have influence over those things.
Going forward (at least for the next week), I've been tasked with trying to identify whether or not something is "inside my circle" or "outside my circle" as situations arise. This can be in tandem with Defusion and Expansion (in which case I'll probably identify my triggers as inside/outside the circle), or independently.
Circling back to my piece about relating to people more and how I feel less alone than I did previously, she recommended "I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't)' By Brene Brown as well as her TED Talk on the Power of Vulnerability. If anyone else is interested, I definitely plan on giving those two things a try.
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August 31, 2021 - Post Two
Daaaaaay Seventeen. And, while today has been -so- much easier on me than yesterday, I'm still kinda sorta smack dab in the middle of the "NOPE" train. Maybe that's why I'm not feeling too connected to this card. I don't know. At least I've managed to do my dishes, (finally) take my vitamins after days of not doing so, and I'm washing my towels. Hopefully I'll be able to pull myself out of this housework funk soon because, damn, I was doing SO well and now, well, I'm -not-.
Front: "Notice connections"
Back: "Cultivating insight is all about understanding the connections between things. But before you can understand connections, you have to see them. Whenever you see something interesting happening in your experience, practice looking for related connections. For example, if you're distracted by something while you're working, try recalling what emotion you felt just before the distraction. Or, when you feel a sensation in your body, notice what distinguished that sensation from all the sensations you don't normally notice. This practice of noticing will illuminate the connections between your mind, body, and experiences."
My Interpretation: Okay, so here's the thing -- I already notice connections ALL. THE. TIME. My brain is already hardwired to make connections from one topic to another and then another and another (for example, I went from this to already thinking about Patrick Stewart as Charles Xavier because the phrase "moving from topic to topic" brings me back to the Dark Materia Picard Song, which then brings me to Patrick Stewart, which then brings me to X-Men and, dammit, Anna Paquin is the worst and JUSTICE FOR KITTY PRYDE and I am SO PROUD of Elliot Page). I make so many connections in the span of seconds sometimes that it would then cause me to do that whole "where is my mind now?" card from the other day. Right now? My mind is still stuck on the Picard Song. It's up in another tab and everything.
In a way, I guess the emotional documentation that I'm doing in tandem with Defusion and Expansion is a way to find connections within myself, my emotions & behaviors, and the things happening around me. I honestly haven't put a lot of thought into this card today because I already do this all the time.
Plan of Action: I'd say try focusing where I notice all of these connections, buuuut that's a.) kind of difficult at times and b.) something I already do when keeping track of my emotional episodes.
DBT Skills Card Update: I feel like I took, like, three steps back today since all of the progress I've made in terms of creating space between me and my coworker has gone out the window, buuuuut there's always tomorrow.
ACT Skills Update: No big emotions today, but I -have- started keeping track of all of those events in their own little notebook so I don't have to leaf through my session journal or all of these posts in order to find them. Do I have too many notebooks for too many things? Probably.
I will say that Nastassia gave me some pretty good suggestions for creative projects to help me zone out/zen out for a little when I'm feeling stressed and, yeah, I'm exploring some ideas for that which are pretty exciting and as soon as I nail that down, I'm sure I'll tell you guys all about that.
And I'm sure you'll all get another update in a couple of hours after I finish my session with Kelly.
"I'm allowed to be happy. I'm allowed to be healthy. I'm allowed to have a wonderful life."
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August 31, 2021 - Post One
Day Seventeen and, like, guys… my brain already spends a ton of time noticing connections. Like, more time than it should. So this is going to go either really well or really badly.
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August 29, 2021 - Post Four
Okay, okay, Day Sixteen.
I've got to admit, you guys, today was a pretty rough one for me. It was just one of those days where it felt like Murphy's Law was in full effect despite my best efforts to keep chugging along. I went through 3 big emotion cycles in the course of a couple of hours, so my motivation to do anything is pretty well down the drain. Admittedly, that's a little bit of a disappointment because I kind of wanted to take myself to the Halloween store today. Maybe I'll go tomorrow after my session with Kelly.
As it is, I've also been pretty down on myself for having a hard time with finding motivation to do things like keep up with my dishes or my laundry. I was doing so well with these things not that long ago and now I'm like "hahahaha, not doing it!" Hell, I haven't even taken my vitamins since Thursday. At least I can say that I'm still taking my meds, but I feel like so many of my other routines are starting to fall by the wayside again and I don't really know what I should do to pull myself back from that.
I know, I know. Healing is not linear. There are going to be high highs and low lows.
Anyway, yes. This card. Let's go!
Front: "Walk the walk"
Back: "Physical movement -- such as running, dancing, or active sports -- brings us into the moment. When our attention is resting with the body and its movements, there is less room for agitating thoughts to spin us into worry. This restful but dynamic state is available all the time, and the best way to encourage it is to put all your attention on how walking feels as you're doing it. Let yourself become the walking, and enjoy how connecting and peaceful that experience can be."
My Interpretation: I'm from New Jersey, you guys. Walking is FAR from restful for me. Walking is always done with PURPOSE and very, very quickly. I can't really remember the last time I've just gone for a leisurely walk around my block. I've been wanting to, but the weather has just been so very hot and I haven't remembered to clean out the bladder for my water backpack. Even a few weeks back when I went for a walk to some park, I found it hard to really enjoy myself because of how hot and sweaty I was. Damn, I need to clean out that water bladder.
Plan of Action: I need to make an effort to actually take more leisurely walks. Yeah, okay, I'm on my feet all day and I don't know how to slow down, but sometimes I really need to make myself do that. Step one: Clean the water bladder. Step two: Go for more walks outside.
DBT Skills Card Update: I mean.... does saying that I don't like being talked to like I'm not believed count? I don't know that it does, but I've got nothing else. Like I said yesterday, I might just switch this card up because I'm always going to have to work on establishing valued relationships anyway.
ACT Skills Update: OHHHHHH BOY, this is going to be a long one. I apologize in advance. Like I said in the beginning of this post, it's been a DAY and, yeah... Three big feels in one damn day.
#1
*What was the emotion? - Nervousness
*How long did it last? - 15-20 minutes
*What triggered it? - Honestly, I got too deep into my thoughts, second guessing myself.
*How did it physically feel? - It was like a heaviness and tenseness in the center of my chest
*What was my reaction? - I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly a couple of times and practiced my expansion technique. Honestly, after that first day, it's been pretty easy to remember to use defusion and expansion
#2
*What was the emotion? - Stress
*How long did it last? - 15-ish minutes
*What triggered it? - Technical issues involving the printer. This printer has been on its way out for a while and it essentially decided to give up today. I explained the issue with the printer after troubleshooting as best as I could with what I had, and then had to repeat myself a couple of times. After a while, it felt like I wasn't being listened to or believed, and that stressed me out.
*How did it physically feel? - Tenseness in my shoulders.
*What was my reaction? - I took deep breaths, stated that I felt like I wasn't being listened to or believed, and then quietly practiced expansion before stress crying. Yeah. There were definitely some stress tears.
#3
*What was the emotion? - Sadness
*How long did it last? - 20 minutes or so
*What triggered it? - I couldn't pick out a trigger in that moment -- I STILL can't even figure out what triggered it. Though, it was a pretty rough morning, so maybe I was just coming back down from everything that had gone on.
*How did it physically feel? - Tenseness in my shoulders and in the center of my chest
* What did I do? - Tried my self-compassion break phrases, practiced expansion, definitely cried (again). I even tried listening to some music to take my mind off of how the day had been going, but I couldn't settle on a song.
Overall, I'm just pretty disappointed with how this day has gone. I feel like I probably could've handled myself better but then, like, HOW? I didn't have any outbursts aside from when I said I didn't feel like I was believed. I didn't get into any arguments. I've completed my tasks despite setbacks. I've managed to get myself to do my dishes and now I'm finally writing all of this. While I -feel- like I could have and should have done better, I just don't know what that means, exactly. Like, calm down, Beyonce. There's always tomorrow.
Which leads us to my new affirmation for the week. Let's wrap up this sad girl ish with some words of affirmation, yeah? Let's go.
"I'm allowed to be happy. I'm allowed to be healthy. I'm allowed to have a wonderful life."
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August 29, 2021 - Post Three
The frustration with myself is so, so real today.
My morning has started off with tech/printer issues that I’ve tried troubleshooting to the best of my abilities. I explained what was going on with Sarah. She calls her husband to ask if he has an extra printer/to see if he has any advice. Again, I have to repeat the situation. Fine, no big deal. Until I have to explain it for a third time, which the conversation turns in a direction where I feel like I’m not being believed/listened to. Obviously, I could be completely wrong with that feeling, but it feels how it feels and I vocalize that and how it bothers me.
I get told that it’s not that I’m not believed, it’s just that they’re trying to figure out how to fix this/getting a new printer/whatever. Okay, that’s fine. But I still vocalized how it felt all while she’s putting Richard on speaker phone and kind of holding the phone in a weird way so he can hear me better or something even though that’s not how speakerphone works. Whatever. That’s a non-issue.
The printer has been ordered and I’m on my way out to go pick it up, but now I’m just here stress crying over how frustrated my own mind and emotions make me while trying to explain basic things.
Just ugh. Why am I like this? Whyyyyyy?
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August 30, 2021 - Post Two
You know that feeling where it feels like something is off, but you don’t know what, and it just stabs at you and stabs at you but there isn’t anything you can do about it?
Yeaaaaaah.
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August 30, 2021 - Post One
Day Sixteen — the day in which the category cycle begins again.
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August 29, 2021 - Post Two
Mindfulness, Day Fifteen.
Today's adventure comes to us from "Curiosity & Joy" aaaaand yeah, let's just jump right into this!
Front: "Where is my mind now?"
Back: "The distractions of modern life pull our attention in a dozen directions, so becoming distracted and losing track of mindfulness is natural. If you find yourself overwhelmed by distractions, asking the question, "Where is my mind now?" can be a very effective way to bring yourself back into present awareness. Try repeating this phrase to yourself when you find yourself bouncing around, and over time, you will start to learn a great deal about where your mind tends to wander when left to its own devices.
My Interpretation: "WHERE IS MY MIND RIGHT NOW? I HOPE THAT IT IS HAVING FUN."
That's where it's been all day; turning this phrase into a damn Fall Out Boy song. And now I'm sitting here listening to "Grand Theft Autumn/Where Is Your Boy" when I'm supposed to be pondering this question and writing this post.
And honestly? This all lines up and checks out.
My mind wanders. A LOT. And I bored during my work day? Am I sad and looking for a distraction? Am I happy and excited while thinking about some future event? My mind wanders during all of these times.
Depending on the situation, it wanders into the world of past memories, it wanders into possibilities of what the future might bring, or it'll just wander into the vast collection of songs and useless pop culture trivia and historical knowledge that I have (legit, I'm sure that part of my mind looks a lot like Tivan's collection). Boredom leads me into my "Collection," sadness leads me into my memories, and happiness leads me into the future (though, sometimes it dips into my memories, much like my sadness will dip into the future if I have concrete plans coming up that could serve as a proper distraction).
If you managed to keep up with ANY of that, I'm proud of you. That's the other thing my mind tends to do -- it wanders from unrelated topic to unrelated topic to somehow make a completely random connection to tie everything back together. Sometimes, it's fun to piece that little game together. Others, I even get frustrated with myself for somehow turning my mind into a scavenger hunt without any prizes.
Plan of Action: Try to be more mindful of where my mind wanders under certain circumstances, I suppose. Right now, I'm in a pretty good little piece of headspace, so my mind is just bouncing back and forth between music, checking in to see how my friends' days are going, and just general.... euphoria? Thankfully, I'm not feeling any physical discomfort with this euphoria (which has happened to me from time to time), just a damn good happy little fuzzy feeling.
Anyway, ugh, yeah. Got distracted again in the wrong section of this post. Much like my emotional documentation, I guess my goal is to pay more attention to where my mind goes and when/why. Are there triggers? Any other relevant info?
Am I giving myself too many assignments? Maybe, but sometimes it be like that.
DBT Skills Card Update: No new developments on this one, really. I know I said I was going to keep this card for two weeks and I might still do that, but is it bad if I sometimes don't have any updates for it? It's just a quiet day plus, really, I feel like I'm getting to this point where my current state is always some form of setting boundaries/intentions and applying them to the relationships I have with people. I'm never NOT going to need work on that, realistically, but I'm doing more to actively open myself up to people.
ACT Skills Update: No big feels today! I mean, there are some big feels in terms of me just being really, really happy to the point where it almost feels like some form of euphoria, but it isn't physically distressing to me in any way. I'm just letting it bounce around and do what it wants and I'm riding the wave because I really, really like how this feels. Part of me if wondering if it's just an upswing before everything comes crashing back down and that worries me a little, but then the other part of me
just wants to enjoy this feeling for as long as possible -- because what if worrying about the emotional crash is actually an act of self-sabotage?
Before I get too into my mind about this, I'm just going to take a couple of deep breaths and spin my index finger around my thumb ring for a little bit. I'm allowed to have a good day without any strings attached -- I just need to calm down enough to let myself have that.
Have you ever had a moment where, out of nowhere, your mind just starts giving you mental pictures of places you've been, almost as if your brain is like "hey, I'm getting really tired of dealing with your bullshit, so I'm taking myself on a vacation?"
That's definitely happening to me right now and, for some ungodly reason, the mental pictures my mind is giving me are of this stretch of 206 on the way into Branchville, where the IGA used to be off to the one side and then there were some trees, and that janky ass two or 3 slot strip mall thing were right before it opens up into that little pocket of space where Yellow Cottage, Riviera Maya, and the Blue Ridge Rescue Squad are. Why are we here? Why is my brain forcibly showing me Sussex County, let alone THIS part of Sussex County? I was having a GOOD ASS DAY before all of this. Man, make it stop.
"I am already everything I am trying to be. I will see that if I stop for a minute."
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August 29, 2021 - Post One
Day Fifteen. Pulled from “Curiosity & Joy” because it was the last category left in this cycle.
Not me already redoing those “Where is your boy tonight / I hope he is a gentleman” Fall Out Boy lyrics.
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August 28, 2021 - Post Four
I can't lie, you guys, it's been a pretty solid past couple of days.
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August 28, 2021 - Post Three
Okay, so this is going to be a VERY long post (and I'm so sorry for that) since I was a little too busy yesterday to write about the mindfulness card and I still have to do today's card. So, today is going to be a jumbo-sized card post for both days Thirteen and Fourteen.
Day Thirteen --
Like I said, I chose to pull from the "Kindness" section since I was feeling a little lazy, but I'm definitely not mad about this card in the slightest.
Front: "Notice strangers"
Back: "Making an effort to pay attention to people we don't ordinarily notice in our daily lives can help us avoid getting caught up in our own personal dramas. Next time you come across someone you don't know -- whether it's during a morning commute, on a trip, or even in your workplace -- take a moment to really notice how they are. Resist the urge to create a story about them. Instead, just take a small moment to connect with them through eye contact, a smile, or a hello. See them as they are: as real human beings rather than as anonymous extras passing through a movie about your life."
My Interpretation: I don't know if my rural/small town upbringing has anything to do with this but, in a way, I feel as if this is something that I already do subconsciously. Around here, when I see someone walking with a dog or riding their horse or a bike as I'm driving down the road, I tend to give them a small wave. Often times, I'll also do this to other drivers as we pass by each other on these farm-lined roads.
However, in reference to yesterday and my assignment at hand, I made small talk with a woman named Rachel at Starbucks while we waited for our mobile orders. We both knew that it would be busy at that time of day, so opted for the mobile order option while we watched other people get frustrated with the baristas over how long the orders were taking (mind you, their drive thru was backed up all the way onto TWO little shopping center outlet roads). We each got our drinks, wished each other a good day, and left.
Later on, while I was out at dinner with friends, I seized another opportunity (though it was definitely by sheer luck/coincidence/whatever you want to call it). We were out at Ale & Compass and one of the manager-types that walks the floor to check on tables was casually mentioning to someone that he was from "Vernon. You know, up by the Mountain Creek area." That was it. I was summoned. My head whipped around and before I could even really react to what I was about to do, I was already excitedly blurting out "Action Park!" "Accident Park!" "Traction Park!" "Class Action Park!" Every time that man came back to our table (damn, I wish I could remember what his nametag said because he was so cool), we had more Vernon/Action Park-isms to share. There was a real-life Jersey Party at Disney last night and it was incredible.
Plan of Action: I think this is something that I want to try to make more of an effort to do. I'm not always the best with small talk and it makes me really nervous to talk to new people, but I'm always getting people complimenting me on my Loungefly bags or my ears or something like that when I'm out at the theme parks. I think that's something I would like to do more -- hand out more compliments to people regarding things I notice about them.
Day Fourteen --
Okay, so I chose from "Relaxation" today because, again, laziness. Though, I also really like this card because it pairs very well with a goal that I already want to work on for myself.
Front: "Yes yes yes"
Back: "The idea of saying a giant, fat "Yes!" to everything that comes your way might feel cheesy or over the top, but as a mindfulness exercise, the practice of "yes" can be incredibly freeing. Whenever you notice any resistance to something that is happening in your direct experience, such as a difficult emotion or difficult sensation, instead of pushing it away try saying "yes" to the feeling and see what happens if it feels OK to do so."
My Interpretation: Okay, okay, we know that I'm already working on managing all of the feels in a healthy and constructive way. This card could be helpful for that. However, I'm also thinking that this card can help to push me out of my comfort zone and into trying new places and things. I have a whole list of places that I want to go or things that I want to do -- or a whole other list of things that I WISH I could do, but can't because of some major phobias (I'm looking at you, bioluminescent kayak tours).
Believe it or not, I've actually conquered a fear (cemeteries) or two in the past. Okay, maybe just one fear. And this isn't even just a minor fear, either. I used to be absolutely terrified of cemeteries. I would hate to stray off of the paths to go into the rows of gravestones. I would try to avoid as many plots as I could, while crying and apologizing and wishing I could be done with this as soon as possible. I don't know why they scared me as badly as they did but, of course, my parents thought that my fears were hilarious and poked fun at me for it every chance they got.
And then I got into urban & rural exploration. There are a vast amount of abandoned summer camps, farms, homes, cemeteries, etc. where I'm from and, more often than not, you could very easily find a detailed history of all of these places. I love the beauty in the decay when it comes to abandoned properties, but the history sucked me in even deeper. It was only then that I was able to look at a cemetery in a different light. It wasn't something to scare me (or to be shamed for openly expressing my fear) anymore; they were little pieces of history. Suddenly, they became less scary and more fascinating. I love cemeteries now.
Plan of Action: At least once a month, I want to do a new activity that I haven't done before or go to a new place that I haven't visited yet. Some ideas include ziplining, axe throwing, a rage room, maybe finding a place to pet a snake. Gradually, I would like to work my way up to conquering fears again but, for now, I like the rush that comes with trying something new.
DBT Skills Card Update: Ehhh. that's still coming along, though I'm now at a point where I've switched around my entire floor mopping routine to try to limit the amount of personal space invasion. So far, so good. Now, if I could get the laundry room issue taken care of. In other relationships, saying that I'm more confident in the progress I'm making there is an understatement.
ACT Skills Update: Thankfully, I haven't had to use them these past two days, though I have been practicing my self-compassion break phrases like I'm supposed to.
"I am already everything I am trying to be. I will see that if I stop for a minute."
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August 28, 2021 - Post Two
Me: “I can’t make small talk with anyone new. That’s weird and scary and it makes me nervous.”
Also Me: *hears anything remotely referencing Action Park* “I HAVE BEEN SUMMONED.”
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August 28, 2021 - Post One
Day Fifteen. Guess I’m doing two of these posts today since I was too busy enjoying the day yesterday to sit and write anything.
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August 27, 2021
Day Fourteen. Honestly, I was feeling lazy and that’s why I chose from “Kindness.”
More on this later.
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