cutest-big-dragon

[cutest-big-dragon]

Happiness has come to mean to me a painful reminder; that things could be better.

I do not wish to suffer, and I do not wish to experience euphoria. For one without the other is a realization: They are the same.



[cutest-big-dragon]

People hear me ramble, and think I'm upset, or unwell, or maybe stupid. But I don't think it's mainly any of those. I feel more like I'm just aware of the bullshit going on. Like people on an island relaxing, while I'm trying to figure out how we're going to get food. Not that happiness is inherently wrong, and not that relaxation is an issue, but that I feel so unsupported, or so ignored. I just want things to be better for me, for everyone around me, and what I'd hope, for everyone. I just want improvement. A prayer, for an ice cube in hell.

[cutest-big-dragon]

I sit here, and write these, both as an admission of thought, and a documentation. Not with the intent of being read, but with the intent of showing we're not alone. We're all stuck here. And I don't know how to fix it, or how it can be better. I just hope that something will see these, someone will read, and know. I cannot fix these issues, these crumbling principles, but all I can do is hope that someone can slow the decay. It hurts to want the best for us all.

[cutest-big-dragon]

More and more I feel frustrated.

Do we just have to sit here, and ignore everything? Life is getting so difficult.. but it's normal. Getting upset over it makes you look overly concerned, or crazy. It's normal that there's wars going on constantly? Humans killing each other in this day, this time, when we have so much power to stop it? Yet we kill each other for it? We deny health, and happiness. It seems more and more like the world is spiraling down the drain. And all we can do is watch, and try to rationalize it. "Oh, yeah, that happens. Expose corruption and get killed, so it goes". "Oh, war happens. People will never agree." Things that we have the answers to, but do nothing to fix... They say money is the root of all evil, but I'm beginning to think everything has roots in evil. It's beginning to feel like the soil we walk on is made of our dead, and that we do nothing but ignore it. We're lab rats stuck in our own maze, being drown for the sake of humanity. This feels like hell.

[cutest-big-dragon]

I find it so intriguing how the smaller things are, the closer they get to the biggest things we know of. I.e. space, this empty cosmos of nothing between distant planets. Akin to the space between atoms. Indescribable, and so surreal. Like horton hears a who, it always has made me think that planets are like grains of sand in a beach too big for us to understand. Each little person bacteria in a cell of a much grander existence. Not even in a religious sense of purpose, for all I know, it's chaos. But synchronized. It's so hard for us to fathom the lack of everything. Because even in your house, there may be empty rooms, but they're still full of air. In space, there are some things, but so incredibly spread out. The space between things, kind of like a crossroads. Crossroads, the point between here and there.

Anyway, I just think it's cool. It's like recursion, or infinity. Maybe the universe is recursive, maybe it's not. But it's so cool to just imagine and let your mind wander :3

#existentialism #cosmos #recursion

[cutest-big-dragon]

Why you so bean, huh???

Gun.

[cutest-big-dragon]

Vent post:

I'm not getting what I want from life I've put up with what I've had to and taken what I can get and even through all of it I haven't gotten it. I've been happy, I've been sad, but it all feels so surface and fake compared to what I've wanted. I've wanted raw love. Even if just for a night. I want someone to recognize that they've needed me this whole time. I live to help others and I hoped they'd help me too, but it seems that was a shitty thing to do. I can't change other people, and I can't undo my past. I'm locked out of my own heaven, and I can either sit outside the gates and hope for someone to open it, or start to travel to hell.

I stand behind people to support them, and when I fall I'm abandoned. I try my hardest to care for every facet of a person, and they take. They just take. They give in bread crumbs, but now I'm starving and they have left. I do not know what to say or how to feel anymore. I am alone.

I don't think anyone can give me what I want, and I don't know if I'd want it assuming they could.

#depression #depressed #alone

[cutest-big-dragon]

Here's to the people who weren't abused by their parents, but whose parents sucked anyways. Here's to people whose parents fucked up raising you out of ignorance and not malice. Here's to the kids whose parents didn't know what to do with you so they did nothing at all. Here's to people whose parents are getting better and growing as people but still hurt you. Here's to every mean comment that wouldn't have been so bad if it hadn't come from your mom; here's to awkward family dinners because you're all trying to forget;

here's to you, survivor of a thousand 'not as bad as it could have been' hurts. I see you. You aren't alone.

[cutest-big-dragon]

Luigi.. banzai bill fuel can't melt mushroom stipe, Luigi.. it was a conspiracy. The koopas.. they're all in on it.. we've gotta stop them Luigi.

[cutest-big-dragon]

When do I stop being alone?

[cutest-big-dragon]

bk-dk reunion? burger king and donkey kong?

Still feral about the bkdk reunion in the latest chapters

(My art)

[cutest-big-dragon]

Most of my jokes are improv in the sense that: I start them with some random sentence, and panic to finish them so I don't sound weird.

[cutest-big-dragon]

Sometimes I parody things until they kind of no longer make sense but sound cool.

"Dead Island: Definitive Edition" < "Daedric Island: Infinitive Wishes" < "Daedelus Islam: Intelligent Squishes"

Sometimes it ends up sounding cool. Most times it sounds like I'm having a stroke.

Anyways welcome to the Me Channel

[cutest-big-dragon]

I'm kind of glad I don't have good dreams anymore.

Because waking up would just make me more sad

[cutest-big-dragon]

First day as a snake oil salesman:

*drinks all of the oils, therefore becoming unkillable, and lord of the snakes*

#funny

[cutest-big-dragon]

The bed I once found comfort in, has become my prison, and I fear my tomb.

The sewn fabrics and soft mattress have become the binds to the table.

I fear some day soon, I may fall in.

And never come out.

[cutest-big-dragon]

What is this world I'm in..

Some days, I find myself questioning where I am, or why I'm doing something.

I really don't know.

I don't want to die, I don't feel suicidal. I'm just sick of this.

The constant fucking abyss of "it'll be better tomorrow". Tomorrow has come and gone, and come and gone.

I am not going to hurt myself. But I'm losing the will to care for myself either.

I feel so detached and unable to care. I feel like everyone around me doesn't seem to see anything wrong.

In the world, in their life, in their homes, in their hearts.

We normalize pain, war, hate, and love. It's all so boring now.

I just want things to feel real again. Not like I'm waiting, or in a dream, or in stasis.

I have a lot more to do now, than I did before, but it's all been so spoon-fed to me I can't taste it anymore.

People question why some days I seem good, and some days I feel indifferent.

I'm beginning to think it's because my consciousness, or my brain, are in it's death throes.

Like the spasms of a creature as it dies, I'm beginning to just.. not be here anymore.

I wish I were still here.