clusterb-xtch

[clusterb-xtch]

22/4/3

i've always hated the wind. trembling hands covering my ears, pinned back against my head, a dog scared of the coming storm. the wind reaches into me, shakes the dust from my lungs, pulls out secrets as payment for a service i never asked for. the wind says it loves me as it presses in on me. the wind stings the open wound on my side. the wind makes the glass rattle in its frame. the wind pays no mind to the way i bark and snarl. the wind doesn't know that i'll bite.

my mother loves the sun and the wind. she throws back the windows and the curtains, desperate to know every part of me. my mother doesn't care that some things are better left unsaid. she stitches my wounds with "i love you"'s that i never wanted to hear, she doesn't see the tension in my jaw when i answer her through my bedroom door, she doesn't see the corner i'm in when she reaches out to smooth my hair.

just like the wind, my mother is desperate to know me. and just like the wind, my mother doesn't know that i'll bite.

it's a secret that i keep guarded like no other, and i don't know how she doesn't know. she has to know, right?

she saw my father in me that day. i was fifteen. and oh, how the years have let it fester. there's a violence in me, i've spent my years trying to bleed it out, but it's in my bones, it's in the very core of me, and i'd tear myself apart if i didn't believe that the ship of theseus was the same boat either fucking way.

when i was seven, i found diamonds in my backyard. little cubes of precious stone, they caught the light in a way i could only dream of, i ran inside with a handful of glimmering radiance to show my mother. when i was seven, i thought the purple lights in the park across the street from my grandparents' house were beautiful, some rarity that existed just for me. but the diamonds cut my hands, and the purple lights were made to hide veins, and broken glass and heroin aren't things that a child should find beautiful, i was told, i was corrected, and when i was seven i saw a blue ladybug, it landed on my hand and i watched it travel gently across my skin, but blue ladybugs don't exist, and memories are often untrue.

when i was nine, we moved. i didn't realise it was the last trip north until it was too late, i never got a chance to say goodbye, my hometown has grown without me and my childhood home doesn't exist anymore anyways, i always was sentimental to a fault. my dad still sent people to my grandparents house, asking after me, a spider leaving its web. i didn't know until years later. i didn't know a lot of things, and now i know everything.

when i was fourteen, i couldn't sleep. there was a man outside my window, bottles breaking and wire doors slamming, and i would stare at my ceiling in the dark watching the sky bleed in little crescent moons, red drying to brown under my nails, i've kept them short ever since. when i was fourteen, i couldn't eat. the discomfort kept me on edge, and i couldn't stand the feel of flesh in my teeth. when i was fourteen, i thought i was infested. i could feel something crawling under my skin, burrowing into muscle, stopping just short of bone, the marrow was infected anyways, black and hardened and cancerous, a benign tumour that you know will kill you one day anyways.

the medication helped, until it didn't. my pulse is violent now, the violence has reached my pulse, i check my heart rate as i wash down my stimulants with energy drinks, my muscles slide and coil and wait to strike without my permission, and i sit through another anxiety attack. i've been getting them more often now, it hurts in the same way it hurts when i cry, and i know everything, but i don't know what will happen when i turn twenty, and there's only so much self-medicating i can do before it gets old. it's getting old, and i'm getting old, and there's something to be said about suicidal kids who grow up, we were never meant to make it this far.

#my writing #tw sui ideation #tw psychosis #etc etc #idk man #ask to tag

[clusterb-xtch]

#man. i haven't had this shit happen to me since i was fourteen wtf #i would also simply like to eat food that isn't #so gross to me #i want a fuckin. home cooked meal #with like vegetables n shit #tw psychosis #tw bugs #tw eating issues #i guess? #ask to tag #idk man i'm not having Fun™

[clusterb-xtch]

I have to watch my mouth every fucking second to make sure I don't destroy every relationship I have

[clusterb-xtch]

A guide to NPD for anyone who doesn't understand it!

What is NPD?

NPD, or narcissistic personality disorder, is a mental illness in the cluster B personality disorder category.

NPD usually stems from childhood abuse or other unhealthy childhood situations. In my case, abuse.

What are the symptoms?

Symptoms of NPD include an unstable sense of self, prioritizing yourself, having unstable relationships, having low/no empathy, and depression/self hatred.

These can be improved upon, but disordered thoughts will likely remain for most.

Can pwNPD have healthy relationships?

Yes, with effort and work. Plenty can have healthy and successful relationships. (like me, for example, in a loving relationship with my boyfriend)

We have a to be a bit more aware of how we treat others, but it helps when both the person with NPD and the partner set boundaries with each other. With communication, we can be great partners.

And yes, we can feel love and care about our partner(s). Empathy ≠ love. Empathy ≠ compassion.

Why does the term "Narcissistic abuse" harm pwNPD?

Because of the name, anything said about "narcissists" is also associated with us, even if you weren't talking about NPD. If you were, that's just blatant ableism.

Many of also call ourselves narcissists either just as a descriptor or to reclaim it.

Other terms like emotional abuse, gaslighting, and plenty others describe the same thing without ableist roots. Please, speak out about your abuse, but avoid using ableist terms.

But my therapist/psychiatrist uses the term "narcissistic abuse," how can it be ableist?

Sadly, ableism isn't that uncommon from medical professionals. Plenty use terms like "narcissistic abuse" and other ableist terms.

Why not just advocate to change the name of NPD?

Even if the name changed, it would still be ableist. We have another cluster B disorder that got a name change that we can look to for example of what happens.

You used to be able to be clinically diagnosed as a "psychopath," which has since been changed to ASPD. However, people still use the terms "psychopath" and "sociopath" to refer to ASPD. All the stigma around those words still applies to them.

I imagine similar would happen if we changed the name of NPD. It wouldn't matter, we'd still be called narcissists. And the term would still be ableist because it would still hurt us.

#important

[clusterb-xtch]

literally no one cares about anything i have to say that has any depth to it. no one wants their world view challenged in even the most minor ways and it's driving me fucking insane.

[clusterb-xtch]

Bitches get diagnosed with a personality disorder and make it their whole personality

[clusterb-xtch]

reblog with what your mbti actually is and what you got from this :))

i’m curious [this is my interpretation btw, some may say that the different letters are represented by different parts of a natal chart. this is what i believe]

RISING SIGN (E vs. I)

aries - extrovert

taurus - introvert

gemini - extrovert

cancer - introvert

leo - extrovert

virgo - introvert

libra - extrovert

scorpio - introvert

sagittarius - extrovert

capricorn - introvert

aquarius - extrovert

pisces - introvert

MERCURY SIGN (N vs. S)

aries - intuitive

taurus - sensing

gemini - intuitive

cancer - intuitive

leo - intuitive

virgo - sensing

libra - intuitive

scorpio - intuitive

sagittarius - intuitive

capricorn - sensing

aquarius - intuitive

pisces - intuitive

MOON SIGN (T vs. F)

aries - feeling

taurus - thinking

gemini - thinking

cancer - feeling

leo - feeling

virgo - thinking

libra - feeling

scorpio - feeling

sagittarius - feeling

capricorn - thinking

aquarius - feeling

pisces - feeling

SATURN SIGN (P vs. J)

aries - perceiving

taurus - judging

gemini - perceiving

cancer - perceiving

leo - perceiving

virgo - judging

libra - perceiving

scorpio - judging

sagittarius - perceiving

capricorn - judging

aquarius - perceiving

pisces - perceiving

i’ll start i am: INTJ based on this i am: INTJ

#enfp for both #wtf how did u do this thats so cool

[clusterb-xtch]

You can't win with ASPD, because if you mask then you're a liar. If you make an effort to treat people with compassion you're manipulative. If you display symptoms you're either an edgelord or a scary sociopath not worthy of respect.

You'll struggle your entire life with the trauma that caused your disorder while people discredit your experiences, because obviously you're not allowed to feel pain or let anything bother you.

Chasers fetishize your disorder while ableists screech about how you should be locked up, denied basic human rights, or put down. Media that glamorizes your disorder for shock value will make beaucoup bucks while you're unable to find a single therapist willing and able to treat you. Psych literature will state that you're emotionally volatile while onlookers call you cold and incapable of human emotion. Psych literature will state that 50% of people with your diagnosis have a comorbid anxiety disorder, but textbooks will claim people like you are unable to feel fear in an effort to dehumanize you.

Any resources you find will be buried between ten times as many resources for victims of people like you, telling them to run and teaching them how to manipulate you. Even educators will fail to discuss your diagnosis in a practical way because they're too busy name-dropping Bundy and Dahmer. You will be told to fix yourself without any help doing so. You will be told to fix yourself while being told that people like you are beyond saving. Other abuse survivors will tell you to not interact with them, so you'll make your own spaces and then they'll follow you into your own spaces to harass you.

People armchair diagnose politicians, cops, and abusers with your disorder as an explanation for their bigotry and cruelty. People armchair diagnose CEOs with your disorder to prove that you have some kind of unfair advantage over everyone else in society. They'll write articles about it for clicks and clout and everyone in the comments section will vent about their ex.

If you complain about any of it they'll accuse you of gaslighting and proving their point - that you're a terrible person who's not a person at all.

[clusterb-xtch]

you stop being a 'mental health advocate' the second you throw a group of people with already-demonised disorders under the bus.

[clusterb-xtch]

neglect and superelevation in NPD

ive noticed that, while medical textbooks often shroud the root cause of NPD in mystery, the majority of affected people themselves describe the cause as a mixture of emotional neglect and superelevation of themselves by others as a child.

that means being put on a pedestal and recieving excessive admiration for certain traits, while other "uglier" traits and needs are ignored. it fits well within the system behind creating ones grandiose picture.

as a child you are more prone to internalize the messages the outside world gives you. for pedestal children it often is: "we love and admire you - as long as you are above the rest". a picture of grandiosity is shaped by people on the outside and an identification with it happens automatically.

depending on how well you are able to achieve that, it can either create immense internal pressure to act accordingly or it can isolate you on the ivory tower. i personally was a successful narcissist throughout my childhood, so this behavior was beneficial to me, but i crashed heavily in my teens.

most people with NPD have experienced a neglect trauma. this further enforces a fixiation on oneself and a pessimistic, dismissive attitude towards the outside world. painful things such as exclusion, devaluation, ridicule, rejection, etc. can be coped with by degradation (and depending on ones temperament, fiery outbursts or cold dismissing) of the other.

because of this constant worth battle, children that are in the process of developing NPD never get to learn and experience same-level peer interactions or how to create a self worth not based on peer comparision. recognizing ones "mediocrity", that everyone has strengths and weaknesses, is a crucial part of development. instead people with NPD learn an own system of worth hierarchy they operate by.

tl;dr NPD is a learned behavior that often results from neglect trauma and superelevation of oneself by others in childhood, making narcs miss crucial development steps.

[clusterb-xtch]

Tired of self care I want to be a rock

[clusterb-xtch]

therapy isn’t enough i need the people who hurt me to die a painful death

[clusterb-xtch]

my manager: tells me to do something slightly differently

me: desperately trying to not split on a manager at my literal place of employment

[clusterb-xtch]

long-post/my personal experience being cluster b, esp. after the overturning of roe v wade. (for context on this post: i’m afab, low-empathy, prof-dx bpd and self-dx npd.)

a content creator that i really like posted a tiktok which, for the most part, i agreed with, talking about how the supreme court don’t care about how their ruling is negatively effecting us. however, they atributed this to the sc being narcissists, and having no empathy, which really bothered me for a couple of reasons. i’ll list them under the cut, because this’ll probably take a while.

tl;dr. armchair-diagnosis is irresponsible as it is based off a superficial understanding of the person and the disorder, and is often coloured by bias based on prev. experiences; the supreme court are a group of cishet-allo people with extreme privilege and a disconnect from society; cluster b disorders develop from childhood trauma, and pwPD’s are heavily stigmatised against; this take reeks of ignorance and ableism.

unless you a) are the person/the medical professional working closely with the person, AND b) have a comprehensive understanding of the disorder, you aren’t in a position to diagnose someone with a disorder. i don’t care if you’re a medical professional, or if you know the person, it isn’t your place. i’ve seen several accounts of people being misdiagnosed BY their psych, which should alone prove the inaccuracy of armchair-diagnosing. and that doesn’t even begin to take into account the constantly-evolving nature of our understanding of mental health/illness, or the rampant bias and stigma ingrained into the psychology field.

it took me a long time to bring up a potential bpd diagnosis with my psychiatrist, and i spent that time looking through the dsm-5, researching various medical papers and studies, and listening to the experiences of other pwBPD. it wasn’t something my psychiatrist had even considered, because we spent most of my appointments talking about my gender dysphoria, and medicating my previous diagnosis’, but she agreed that my symptoms/experiences lined up with the diagnostics, and i went through the same process with adhd, because i mask really well, and had assumed that my experiences were ‘normal’. i’ve self-dx with autism and npd because although my current psychologist agrees with me, i don’t want to be professionally diagnosed due to the rampant stigma surrounding both disorders.

to label members of the supreme court as no/low-empathy and narcissists also doesn’t take into account two very important things: firstly, the sc is composed of cishet, allosexual people with extreme privilege. cisgender men will never have to worry about being forced to give birth, and rich white women will always be able to get abortions, no matter what laws are in place. these people simply aren’t affected by the decisions they make and the policies they put into place. it has nothing to do with empathy, and everything to do with the fact that they are disconnected from society. to put it simply, they don’t care about the lower/working class; they don’t care about women, trans men or nonbinary people; they don’t care about the poc that this will disproportionately affect, and they don’t care about children, because they aren’t these people, and this ruling doesn’t impact them. the sc don’t interact with us, they don’t have experience being us. they’re so disconnected from us, due to their privilege, that they don’t see us as real people that this will negatively impact.

second, cluster b disorders develop due to trauma, typically childhood trauma. i have no grounds on which to assume the sc experienced childhood trauma, therefore it’s blatently incorrect to assume that they’re narcissists, or anything of the sort. in fact, i’d assume the opposite; they’re just arrogant, privileged people in an undeserved position of power.

every symptom of my personality disorders links to a need that wasn’t met when i was a child, and serves as a defense mechanism. npd is a shame-based disorder—i don’t have an exaggerated sense of self-importance because i genuinely believe that i’m better than everyone else, i have it because otherwise, i would literally be consumed by my insecurities and self-hate. it’s a survival mechanism, and i wouldn’t be able to function without it. the reason i have low empathy isn’t because i don’t care about other people, it’s because i grew up in an environment where the emotions of other people were constantly weaponised against me. personality disorders and mental illnesses don’t just suddenly show up—if there wasn’t something to cause them, therapy wouldn’t work. it’s that simple.

there is no reason to label the supreme court, or literally anyone else, a narcissist. the term is linked to an already heavily-stigmatised disorder, and there’s no way to use it that isn’t blatently ignorant and ableist at best, and armchair-diagnosing at worst. arrogant, selfish, self-serving, privileged, etc.; there are so many words you can use to describe someone that doesn’t a) assume they have a mental illness, and b) doesn’t contribute to the difficulty that people with demonised disorders already have trying to get help and support.

stigmatising and demonising people who are almost always a part of oppressed minorities does nothing for us, and takes away from the real issue. narcissists and people with low empathy aren’t the enemy—the people taking away our rights are. i’m literally begging for y’all to stop the infighting, because it’s going to take all of us to fight this.

#roe v wade #cluster b #cluster b disorders #actually cluster b #we stopped using gay to mean anything we didn't like #so can we stop using narcissist to mean anyone we don't like

[clusterb-xtch]

Guys there is something stuck in my throat

#arfid things

[clusterb-xtch]

i asked my mum to get me mac and cheese (i'm sick). i thought she got me Good Mac and Cheese instead of my awful orange powder abomination comfort food.

i had a dream that i fucked up my mac and cheese, like, i got the water measurement mixed up and my pasta ended up like dry and undercooked.

i woke up. and i fuckin. fucked up the water measurement and FUCKED UP MY PASTA

why am i being tested today i am not equipped for anything but a nap.

#like i had a fucking PROPHETIC DREAM #and i still used the stupid fucking measuring cups for the water #instead of the jug like i always do #and i put in 3/4 instead of 4/3 like a dumbass #ruined my day #i sobbed for like an hour

[clusterb-xtch]

i lost at mariokart and now i am going to kill myself.

#/j mostly #i am really having a Day