cattstarr
Explore, I am the Weaver
I'm Catt. The furry. I draw from my heart, my mind and my ass. I am pretty boring.
|Everything about the music.|
❥Tool, APC, Puscifer, Maynard, music, furries.
★ Pan | Female | married | iiiis
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As a new widow there's one thing that bothers me. How can someone want to be with a widow? How can a widow want to be with anyone else?
Yes, it's very isolating. But I'd rather be alone romantically than with anyone else. Maybe they just didn't love the departed as much as I do, so they find it ok to move on?
But knowing that they have a permanent scar because someone they initially chose to spend the rest of their life with would also be a point of anxiety for me, if I were to be with a widow. It's unfair, but I would constantly compare myself to their first partner. And I'd probably inadvertently initiate fights over it.
Maybe there's something I'm not getting...
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For me, the feeling of losing my husband feels like the world stopped making sense.
I didn't have big plans. I didn't even really have a solid plan. We were just doing what we could to be happy and comfortable together. We wanted cats, booze, tunes and video games. We wanted to watch shows together. We wanted an apartment to do all that inside. And we wanted to collect merch of what we liked. I liked dying my hair and he liked helping me pick color combinations. He liked motivating me to have fun, and I did learn to like his nudges.
So losing the person I shared my entire life with feels like a threefold attack: depression, hopelessness and confusion. It drains me and my motivation.
I lost my biggest art fan. Everything I made, he wanted to see and have it curated for him. And he liked to guess what I was feeling or thinking when I made it. And I miss that.
I lost the guy who showered me with affection and attention in the perfect way. Even when he might have been too tired for me.
I lost my mirror. The person who showed me my corrosive nature and how to fix it. And the person who felt like me.
I lost the person who felt like home.
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I think I can accept that he died from a glitch in the universe. There is no foe or punishment. It's just a sad reality I have to face. It doesn't make it hurt any less... Because more than why he died, I lost him completely. He didn't abandon me, he didn't break up with me, he just... Expired.
I don't understand. I see so many people and I fear they're all going to drop dead. I always feared death despite my suicidal ways but I think I'm in too much pain to be afraid. I don't know.
Too much time has elapsed and I'm still stuck. I hate this, I fucking hate this.
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Some days I don't cry. It doesn't hurt any less those days, I'm just too exhausted and my eyes burn too much. And what good is crying anyway, there isn't anything that can be done. He's gone. And he can't come back even if I want him to with all my might. I hate life. I really do. I don't understand procreation.
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I don't want to be here without you. Day by day, I understand Ultimecia's pain and fears...
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Sometimes I think of jokes that only you/we would bust a gut laughing at, then get extremely sad because there's no point to that side of my personality without you to share it with. Literally. But I don't want that side to fade either... it was equal parts each other. But I don't know what to do with it.
I hope grief counseling helps because I'm going to lose my mf mind.
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Sometimes I fantasize about you returning to me and giving me and our cats much needed affection.
I wish I didn't but what else can I do? You made me hopelessly in love with you and then when I thought I couldn't love you any harder, you had to go away.
I don't blame you. Not for a minute. I know you'd be here with us if you could. I know it wasn't your fault. You had a lot on your plate and I guess your poor heart couldn't take it all. At least if you were sick I could have seen it coming.
But it's ok. I love our kitties too much to leave them totally without either of us. They're happy with my mother but they prefer me so... And I can't just leave them to her. She didn't adopt them. That's not fair to the cats or to her.
But once they die, I might not have any reason to stay. It's already so hard to find ways of not feeling the sting of knowing I'll never hear from you again. At least if we broke up, I'd know you were alright. And it would sting less.
I'm constantly dizzy and my head constantly hurts. Every song makes me think of you. Games, TV... It all circles back to you. I can't focus on much. I spend most days trying to sleep.
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I was loved with the intensity of a thousand suns by you. I was loved so fiercely. Nothing, not even I at my lowest and worst could shatter that.
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I wasn't even a little bit prepared to lose you. I wasn't expecting it. Not in the slightest.
Most days I wish I could join you. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with myself now.
People tell me you wouldn't want that but I also know you wouldn't want me to suffer.
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I can't be on the fucking Internet today. Everything is a gotcha and I have grief brain so my dumbass is always like, "Wow Really? Martians paid you to write that comic?" Or whatever.
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Missing you is making me physically ill. I'm exhausted and all I've done was sit on this couch and sleep. And throw up a lot. I'm so dizzy.
I wish you could hold me one last time. I want to fall asleep with your arm around me. Feel your chest against my back. Feel your body gently twitch as you fall asleep behind me.
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Everyone's life is normal. Everyone is busy. No one can make it better, even if they had time for me.
I'm not really angry at them. They have to live their lives. No, I'm angry at fate, I guess. The truth of the matter is that even if I had a friend I could cry to for the long hours a day that I want to, he's not coming back. He can't. There's no magic, not even for me if I cry really hard and make promises that are impossible to keep. No deity has ever honored such a request and I'm not special.
I'm just a little girl who lost her husband to random chance. He'd be with me now if he could, so I don't blame him either. He didn't do anything wrong. I wasn't abandoned. I know that.
I just want him back. I'm forever going to be missing something and eventually this trauma is going to distort in my mind. Maybe it'll hurt less if I'm psychotic.
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The most attractive thing anyone can do is be good to animals.
I adored watching him with my cats. Our cats. He was so innocent with them. Just giggling at the kitty as the kitty played, or watching him glow as he snuggled and petted the kitty. Watching him give them attention whenever they demanded it. I was the most attracted to him these days. I was always attracted to him, but this highlighted his purity, I think.
I miss him. It's not fair. He wasn't even sick. He just dropped dead right in front of me. I don't even know how to process that, even if he were a total stranger.
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