breathenbounce
The Gratitude Chornicles
Writings by Michael. Meant to inspire, meant to conjure thoughts, meant to express..always meant to love.
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THE GRATITUDE CHRONICLES: NOTICING THE EXTREME
Sometimes my thoughts are so extreme it’s offputting the people.
When I want to be generous to people, I tend to be extremely generous
When I really like someone, I’m friends with someone I tend to really get extreme in that
When I’m really excited about something, I am so overly excited you would think that I was a 10-year-old kid on Christmas.
When I work out I usually go full out. Some people in the club joke with me and tell me I’m an overachiever
When I get really upset about something, I feel like my life is over with it at times
When someone does something to hurt me, I usually will think of five other things that have happened with the person and they probably aren’t even aware of the five other things, but I let it destroy me
The fact that I am analyzing, and noticing this behavior for me is a huge plus. It allows me to make corrections and move forward. I have some friends that say that this is nobody’s business and they are correct. But I share my journey and hopes that people are struggling that they know they’re not alone.
Judgment is one of those things that can difficult to deal with. Whether its self judgment or we get it externally from peers, its scary for me. I feel like I have been judged by so many people growing up. It's triggering. I just do what I can and move forward. It's the best we can do, and we can keep moving forward and doing the best we can do.
I certainly hope one day some of the puzzle pieces fit for me as I hope the best for you.
#mindfullness#gratitude#selflove#bpd#love#breathenbounce#yogainspiration#mindfulness#mindset#yoga#bpdsucks#bpd awareness
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THE GRATITUDE CHRONICLES: THE DOOR CRACKED OPEN
Hello there. This morning as I was scrolling through facebook, I found a post that hit me. It was from Megadeth frontman, founder, and legend Dave Mustaine. I read it and it hit me hard. Here it is....
I read this so many times. It made me think of my own trials and tribulations of my own life. Being cut off from my family growing up so many times. Feeling like I didn't belong. When I was younger, I was a very difficult kid, and I started to grow up and mature, and then I lost my mom at age 23. The dominoes fell back down. I was fortunate enough to see her one last time before I got that ill fated call that she collapsed and was in the hospital. She would fight on for about 10 days when she finally died. After that, my family for the most part stopped talking to me. They didn't like that my views were opposite of them. They didn't like that a person who was special to me was helping me to see a different side of the world and felt she was brain washing me. So they would cut me off. Over and over and over again.
I have never gotten over this as it has affected my current situation. I have been impossible to be around because of wounds I have suffered as a child and young adult. I let the wounds of that consume and I caused tremendous pain on someone I love very dearly. Those wounds bled into my current situation and I believe that along with some trauma caused my BPD.
I really felt the pain of Dave and his sister as I read this message. When families fall apart for things like this, its sad. Religion tore the Mustaines apart. Beliefs and thoughts tore my family apart. I think we all need to accept we are different. Different thoughts, different ideas, different ways to live life to the best we possibly can. The things that people forget are one, we don't get another shot at this. Once its over, its over. Two, we should find ways to respect beliefs and not hold judgment. Judgment is an absolute killer.
Sometimes families and spouses hurt each other. Maybe a little bit, maybe very badly. However if we can find ways to open our minds, find some forgiveness, and have fulfilling and honest conversations about things, we could all get closer and feel loved. However, everyone needs to come together. People have to learn how to empathize with their partners, parents, loved ones; they may have been dealing with some internal stuff. The key is no judgment.
It's better to find a way to fix things while alive and not on a death bed. Sure the ultimate gift you can give someone is while you are taking your last breath and freeing them from the pain that has caused, why not try to find a way to heal while alive? Find a way to have those tough conversations to find common ground.
I understand sometimes a situation is so toxic you have to walk away. However, if someone is wanting a chance to do the right thing, don't turn them away. They could be on the cusp of something beautiful and be a source of light and kindness in your life. I think about Dave's joy when his sister finally contacted him after 20 years. I also think about the devastation as the reconciliation would be the final time he saw her.
I know sometimes we have to take care of ourselves, but I also feel we can't rule anything out. We can open the door a little bit at a time. We must also remember sometimes people struggle. Whether it's addiction, mental illness, or just bullshit in general, we have to allow a little space and grace for growth. I'm not saying dive all the way in the pool, but keep the door open a little bit with a light on. Eventually that person will straighten things out and find that crack of light in the hallway.
But let's hope that both sides find each other before it's too late.
Namaste
M
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THE GRATITUDE CHRONICLES: DO OVER & START OVER
Every day we find ourselves screwing up. Maybe we forgot to bring an important document. Perhaps we left our wallet at home. We get into a car accident. We have a fight with our significant other and say things that we don't want to say. There are so many things that can happen in a day.
However we are gifted with the chance to wipe the slate clean from time to time and begin again. What happened before doesn't matter. The windshield is bigger than the rear view mirror. We can turn things around for ourselves. However sometimes when we hurt people, they may need some more time to get over things. To find their own peace. This doesn't mean we shut down and give up on ourselves.
The best thing we can do is think about what triggered us to behave that way and how can it be prevented so we don't cause friends or loved ones pain, and take on unnecessary guilt. We have to do the best we can every moment, every day.
If you're having a bad day, what I find is working for me lately is I pause. I do something different at that moment. If it's a whole bunch of work things, I like to take a quick ten minute meditation. Find a reset button. Come back to your issues with a new lens. A new perspective. Like you are seeing things for the first time. Maybe you will handle things different.
There is no shaming in stopping and starting over. Yes it can be frustrating but there could be a reason why you are being forced to redo things. Maybe God or the universe has a plan for you and you can't see it to the end the way you are working it at that moment. When we get into a problem solving mode, we tend to put on blinders and get some sense of ridiculous pride where we have to get the shit fixed on our own and it's weak to ask for help.
It's never weak to ask for help, or admitting that you are struggling. In any area of life. Sometimes a different set of eyes can make all the difference. The important thing to know is do overs and start overs do exist and are game changers. Use them whenever you need. Remember the story never ends. Life provides you with white out sometimes and it smells crazy, but you can write a new story. You can change a couple things here and there and if you can't change the page too much, start over and begin on a new page. It's OK
Take care and namaste,
Michael
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SHAME SHAME
So I am late writing this again. I feel bad about it. I wish I could have done it sooner. There are no excuses. I hold myself to the fire on this as I should have gotten it done on Wednesday, the day I have committed to getting it done. However there are reasons.
Reasons are excuses, but do they have to be? If we have the best intentions to do something and we fall short for certain reasons, do we have to beat ourselves up so much?
I am a person who is so hard on myself. Everyone tells me so. Sometimes I agree, sometimes I don't. I hold myself to the fire so much about everything. From the littlest mistakes to the biggest errors. From watching how I speak to people, to my anger getting out of hand. From feeling so emotional I want to cry to punching holes through walls. I get better every day, however I still live in shame about this and past actions.
Currently I am working on try to stop playing the shame game, and give myself grace and forgiveness for actions in the past, present, and given the chance I would take a swipe at myself in the future. I am hard on myself, because I believe I deserve it. The good thing is I am becoming surrounded by people who keep trying to remind me about the light within me.
I think we have to allow ourselves grace and the room to fuck up. Its essential for our growth to realize we are not perfect. Maybe we did some really fucked up things growing up because we didn't know another way. Maybe we weren't strong enough to do the work, and get better. Maybe we were scared. If we can focus on this moment, our growth. Thinking about how far we have come from since yesterday, a month, a year ago, perhaps it will fill us up with light and gratitude.
So that 's what I am going to do here. I can't focus on how late I am running on writing the piece. I will focus on the piece itself. The message I am putting out, the way it makes people feel.
As I say, all of this for Breathe N Bounce is for me, just as much as it is for you.
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Please Don't Feed the Trolls
In the past, I used to take great pleasure of being the ultimate antagonist. I would engage in arguments about pointless things. Whether it be sports teams, professional wrestling, or politics, I would get myself all worked up trying to argue with people, or get my rocks off eliciting reactions from people. As a matter of fact, I used to play a character that would thrive off of that. Especially higher up people. You know government officials, cable commissioners, parents, etc etc.
Back in the years of 1997-2003, I was a wild character. I had a TV show called SRTV: The Static Experience. SRTV stood for Stoned Ranger Television, as I was that guy, the Stoned Ranger. My aim in life was to poke at people, promote local music, piss people off, and annoy people. This was due to one simple fact. Growing up, most people that met me said that I was annoying. As the kids would say, no cap bro, I feel that way sometimes today. It could be the BPD, but I have grown up with a core belief that I was annoying and people tolerated me. My own father made me feel this way, along with many of family members. So why not live up to it? I called myself the biggest asshole alive. My website was where reality, creativity, insanity and individuality combined. And it worked.
The show was pretty popular. People actually stopped me to take pictures and get autographs. I used a lot of four letter words and made very obnoxious and obscene comments that would be sure to get me canceled. All because I wanted the negative attention. I got in some ways I never dreamed of. The Des Plaines cable commission tried to get my show taken off of public access because of its controversy. The mayor of Elk Grove Village sued me for $100,000 for defamation of character. And I would see people on the street who wanted to pick fights with me. It was like fuel to me. And I think that was because I lacked something. Maybe it was love, maybe it was respect; the point is I was a walking troll. Always looking for trouble. In life, on social media, whereever. I even picked arguments with my wife over things she liked. Do you know when I stopped? When people ignored me.
Fast forward to day, I have become more humble and grateful. I listen to what people say. I don't like to argue anymore. However, once in a while that dumb comment comes on Facebook and I want to go to war. I take a breath and stop. I ask myself some questions.
Is this going to benefit me or the other person?
Will this improve the present moment?
Is there a win here?
If the answers are no, I walk. I don't engage. Sometimes you are stronger and wiser when you don't react to shit. When you hold your ground and stay within yourself. That has been one of my toughest tasks. A good friend of mine told me I should be like vegan butter (she knows I'm vegan and I don't want to be like butter) and let the bad stuff slide off of me. I have been working at that more and more and I have improved since she told me that like 6 or 8 months ago.
This is the way I am working to live. This is what I am practicing. Remember life is practice. Not absolute. We practice to gain progress, not to be perfect. I will keep working on this.
In closing, if you want to shut down annoying people who resemble the person I once was, ignore, don't respond. They will go away. I promise you.
Lots of love and respect,
Michael
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Life block
I am truly sorry I didn't get this done on Wednesday. I have been so good about writing these things on Wednesday, but this week has been a tough one. First I didn't even know what I wanted to write about. What great wisdom could I impart on the small amount of people who read this. Then I realized it's not just writer's block I was suffering from, I was in the middle of a life block as well.
Last week somehow I really hurt my hip. So I have taken a week off from doing my usual routine of fitness which included the yoga and I felt like absolute dog shit. In fact this week has brought up so much shit for me, it has been just difficult going through day to day stuff.
I find myself laying on the couch most of the time, watching FB reels, seeing pictures of my family on my phone randomly come up, just feeling totally miserable. You see, BPD sucks. Sometimes you lose your identity, and then you feel like crap. I have been so depressed since 2015 and it has brought some real havoc into my life. One of the worst parts of my depression is it manifests as anger. I also am so afraid of losing people in my life, I don't always tell them how I feel and what they really truly mean to me. I feel like when I do, they run away, and I have seen that happen recently with some people. So I find myself uncomfortable to live in my own skin.
Taking this break has helped me feel better physically buy mentally it has done a number on me. However, I think there's other things going on. I vomited all over my therapist yesterday with all my depressive stuff and then I drove home hoping to feel better. I didn't. I just drove home in silence with the music off. When I got to Algonquin Rd, I did a shuffle with my music, couldn't find one song I wanted to listen to. Truth is I brought much of this shit on myself. However its because I didn't know how to survive with all these mental health conditions I have. I've lashed out, been defensive, blamed others, etc, etc. I have truly been working hard to reinvent and grow, but I don't feel like I am growing.
People tell me I am, however people important to me refuse to talk to me. I started medication in hopes it would help my depression. Lately, it hasn't. I feel weird when I get around people lately. Like I would rather be anywhere else. I went to a slow yoga class yesterday where we did little movement and it was more like meditation. Every time I go somewhere, I feel like people don't like me and think I am weird. I don't want to talk about it because people will then accuse me of trying to get sympathy, or some other bullshit like that.
Usually here on GC and BNB, I try to be positive. Mainly because I want to help others. I hate to see people feel this way that I'm feeling. Lately I feel like I am not helping anyone, most importantly myself. I got certified to teach yoga and no one wants me to teach. People say they want me to but when I show initiative to want to, I'm shut out. I am trying to put together experiences and having difficulty finding places, but then I say to myself, will people actually come? No one cares about the show.
Then my logical mind or wise mind has to come into play and say that it takes time to build a brand. Then I have to ask myself am I doing the best I truly can? Is my depression stonewalling me from reaching a higher level? I think about so many of the sins I have committed in the past and it makes me feel like maybe I don't deserve anything. Maybe I deserve to be alone. Maybe BNB won't help anyone. Maybe I’m just too much for people and I just have to accept that that I’m not anyone’s cup of tea and people just say things to be nice to me and they don’t really mean them.
Yes, I am in a funk, and I hope I can find a way out of it soon. I feel like the hole gets deeper and deeper that I have to crawl out of day by day. However, I still keep crawling out just to fall back in.
I guess I'll keep fighting. I don't know what else to do. Keep fighting too.
Love,
Michael
#mindfullness#breathenbounce#bpd#depression is a bitch#sorry for being depressing#depressing shit#dont want to be here
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The Kindness Virus
Last night I did what I thought was a nice thing. A kind gesture if you will. I was on my way to O'Hare Airport for my regular job and I made a stop at the gas station because it looked like the flight was going to be delayed and the original driver was going to make it in time. Once in a while I like to play video poker there. I don't gamble often. Just a small $20 investment. I won $40 last night. I saw a couple buying groceries so I took $20 and told them to use it for them and they were happy, I was happy, the guy behind the counter thought the money was for him so he was happy for a moment. I saw how much happiness was generated by this and it was exciting.
I always make a point to give money away. I don't know, but I once watched an interview with Tony Robbins. He said he was chasing down someone who owed him money and the guy was ducking him and he was living in a small place and he had like $12 left to his name or something like that. He was going to get some lunch when he saw a kid walk in with his mom. The kid treated the mom like she was on date with her. He held the door open for her and pushed the seat in. Tony was so impressed with the kid he told them he was buying them lunch with his last $12. So he then got home and found an envelope in the mail with the money that person owed him with a note apologizing and giving him a little extra. This story inspired me. Whenever I see someone is having a hard time at the store. They don't think they have enough money, the person is giving them a hard time, they look sad, look like they have been having a rough time. Maybe they are people without homes, whatever, I usually will spring for them.
I don't do it to get the money back, but I have been very lucky and fortunate in my life. One time, i lost $400 cash at the swimming pool. A woman found my money and held on to it and gave it to me. She called the pool and told them and I asked the pool about it and left a number and said if anyone found it, please call. To my surprise, someone called. Everyone was happy.
When people are kind, it creates a reaction to everyone within earshot. Perhaps they might want to do something noble and kind. It becomes a virus. It becomes a domino effect. I have seen it with my own eyes. It happens. There is hope for humanity no matter how bleak it looks sometimes.
I am a huge believer in what you put out there comes back. I have worked very hard to change my outlook on life along with my disposition. I have been an angry, crabby man for the majority of my life. However, since I started practicing gratitude, things have been changing.
I would say if you have a chance to be kind. If you have extra time, money, whatever, donate, give. When one gets a blessing, that person should share that blessing with others. Then they may share their blessing with others and so on and so forth. That is what I did last night. If you get blessed, bless someone else.
If we can practice this, we can make a better world. My friend Bhante Sujatha said the world may be to big to change, but you're big enough to change yourself. And by doing so you are doing what you can to make this world beautiful.
So let's do beautiful together. Please share something cool that happened. Whether you get the blessing, or you were blessed. Would love it hear about it.
Namaste
M
#chooselovingkindness#breathenbounce#mindfullness#gratitude#yogainspiration#selflove#love#mindfulness#givealittlebit
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