bipolartypeonefeels

[bipolartypeonefeels]

What living with Bipolar Disorder is like:

I’m currently on the 16th floor of a balcony located at a hotel in downtown Miami.

My hope is gone. Every action is mechanical, choices I make are reckless, but made without hesitation. I’m just going through the motions, trying to stay afloat and survive. I’m numb to the pain, but I’m also numb to the pleasure.

Part of me has given up. For the first time in my life I feel like my future isn’t so clear anymore. I don’t want to chase after my goals, I don’t want to do anything but lose myself. I’m not coping, and I have no one.

Everything I once cared about, even my morals seem to have been thrown out the window. The world doesn’t care about me, so I’m reciprocating.

I can’t concentrate and at this point I don’t even want to try because I feel like a failure. I was a straight A student who was able to balance so many responsibilities, and I did it well. Now I can barely manage day to day.

I don’t know what I’m doing but in brief moments of clarity, I’m horrified.

Countless men all in the hope of connection, or if anything at least a distraction. I feel used but I keep clinging on to the idea someone might save me.

The same disorder that ruined my dad’s life, and that ultimately killed him, is what I’m trying to manage by myself. I don’t blame him anymore, because I know what it’s like to feel as if you’re going insane.

I feel very alone. I feel like I’m having to deal with this by myself. This disorder kills people, and it does so painfully. It’s a slow spiral descending into madness and isolation.

I wish I had someone who understood what I was going through, the loneliness is crippling.

I don’t trust myself. I don’t know if my thoughts, decisions, or ideas are the manic depression or if they’re me.

I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. Everything I once cared deeply about and had a passion for are things I no longer think about.

There’s always something wrong, I can’t hold onto happiness but for a moment.

The hardest part of all of this is that there’s no one to blame. It’s my brain that’s turned against me. I’m at war with my own mind.

I don’t care about anything. I don’t care about school, I don’t care about family or friends, I don’t care who I hurt, and I certainly don’t care about myself.

It’s difficult for me to look into the future, because all the plans I had for myself seem so distant. I just started crying as I’m typing this. I miss who I used to be. This disorder took my life away from me and I feel like I’ve been left alone to deal with the outcome.

I do still have some hope left, but I know I need to get on Lithium soon. I think that might be the key to finding some type of normal again. I want to be more than someone who’s just trying to survive.

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[bipolartypeonefeels]

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