beautyoflittlethings

[beautyoflittlethings]

Starting again...sort of?

It's been many years since I've written here. So much has changed since then. My last post was mourning the end of a relationship that I barely ever think about anymore. Since then, I've found an amazing man who makes me laugh, feel so incredibly happy to just be in the same room as him, and is intelligent enough to carry the kinds of strange, sometimes technical conversations I like to have. I've finished my degree and graduated. Call me doctor now! And I've moved to a new city far away from any living soul I know well. I am now starting anew, alone.

The first few days were so hard. I slept on a thin Japanese futon on the floor of my completely empty apartment. I don't know that I'll ever forget the feeling of those days. I would cry myself to sleep because even though I was excited to be here for my career and for the science I would be doing, I realized that I am human. And I desperately crave human connection. But I had just said goodbye to all my closest friends, and especially the closest friend of all. I kept asking myself, "Was this worth it?" I made this decision for my career. If I stayed, my career would feel stagnant for much longer. If I came here, I would open up so many doors. So, I chose to come here. I chose my career.

Then, my loving parents came to help me set up my apartment. And that made me cry again. To realize how much I owe to them. How grateful and lucky I am to have been blessed with two such supportive people as the ones who raised me. I'm nearing 30...yet they still drove 12 hours straight to come help me make a home in this unfamiliar city because they knew I was doing it alone. I tried to explain this feeling to my friends, who just said that money would've done the same thing. But, I don't think that's true. It's much more than the cost. It's the sentiment. And it's the time they made for me. And seeing them in person here was probably a huge step in preventing me from buying a plane ticket to immediately go back to California. That's where I was at emotionally.

Whether to prioritize one's career is something I've been thinking about a lot lately. Mainly because I'm at the stage where my friends who don't prioritize their careers as much as I do have moved on to the next steps in their personal relationships, like getting married or having kids. They're building families, while I'm trying to get the point where I can build a research lab. And then there's the friends I know who are doing what I'm doing but also building a family because they have significant others that can do that part of it for them.

I never thought I'd not be a career woman. I think about the times in high school when I would role play by myself at home, pretending I was a boss and telling subordinates what to do. Sometimes I'd be an architect who owned a firm, or a CEO who was making a deal, or the editor-in-chief of a fashion magazine. Funnily enough, I never imagined I'd be a professor running a research lab--but then again, I don't think we realize such a profession exists as high schoolers, typically. I think about the times I was at MIT when I would literally feel in my heart the biggest desire straining to burst out of me to go "make change" and "make the world a better place." MIT faculty love to say this to their students. And it felt so inspiring that I wanted to do it. I still want to do it. But at what cost?

I have high hopes for what I will be able to accomplish this year, and for my chances of landing a good job next year. I think I've done a good amount of mental preparation also for if/when it doesn't work out for me. But, I would obviously love to do what I need to do here with my friends and my partner next to me. Near me. With me.

I think most of the time I am quite focused on my work and what needs to be done. Thus, I don't think so much about the personal relationships that may or may not exist right now in my life. But, then there are moments, like when I'm walking around the neighborhood, that trigger this incredibly strong desire to have him walking beside me. And I feel all sad again. Yearning. Missing him. It's not an easy feeling to feel.

All that being said, I think that the next two years of living on my own and working through what I need to do for my career will be a good exercise. I've found joy in doing things by myself, like baking an elaborate dish or reading a romance novel. I have hope too that I can find friends here, albeit slowly. And if other personal events are meant to happen, they will.

[beautyoflittlethings]

Musings

Relationships are such strange concepts. Romantic ones, specifically. Mine ended earlier this year. For a while, I was perfectly happy to be single. I felt free and had all this time to dive deep into my work and make progress there. Though, to be quite honest, things were not very different from before, given where things had stood before the official break up date.

Long distance relationships are an interesting phenomenon. A lot of people have this belief that they just “don’t work.” I don’t agree with this sentiment. Rather, I think that being long distance really tests relationships. The ones that make it through? Those are the ones that might just last for forever. If they don’t last, they probably would’ve never made it anyways. For long distance relationships, I think knowing that at some point in the future the two people will be in the same place is important. If that will never be the case because neither person will give in and move with the other, then that probably means there wasn’t enough care for each other as is needed for a sustained relationship. Also, the needs of each person must line up with the other. I had imagined that just having someone be my intellectual sounding board was enough, but that may not have been the same for him.

It’s been months since my last relationship ended, but only until recently have I felt a desire to be with someone again. Is this the end of a mourning period? I never felt like I really had that mourning period post-break up that I had after my previous relationship before this one ended. Perhaps this was a subconscious one. Or perhaps physical needs and desires have become too strong to ignore with work. To address this point, I know plenty of people can casually find a solution to that problem and not get emotionally attached. In principle, I think this would work for me as well, but in practice, it just does not feel that easy. I wonder if that makes me a normal or abnormal person?

But okay, let us say I have decided now to date. I have run into a few dilemmas. The first dilemma is the lack of opportunities around me to meet new people. Thus, I turned to the dating apps. It brought me a relationship once, perhaps it would again. But, swiping on dating apps just ends up making me feel like a terrible person. I judge too quickly, and yet if I give someone a chance, I end up not saying much because I’m simply not into them (read: their credentials and listed interests). What can I do to get a better sense of who they are? Meet up immediately? But, who has time to meet up with so many people just to decide whether or not I would want to say any words to this person or not? 

Meeting new people has given me an opportunity to see into a mirror. The reflection is of me as a person. Sometimes, I see someone that I think is much more deserving than the treatment I am given. Other times, I see someone who is too selfish, not cute enough, and too boring for anyone to be interested in. I see someone who is at once very quick to judge, elitist, mean-spirited, blunt, but also interesting, knowledgable, smart, funny, artistic, and decently attractive physically. Is that not what dating is? Is it not an exploration into who you are by looking into the eyes of someone who has held you in their own? 

#relationships #dating

[beautyoflittlethings]

The Next Chapter

I’m here! I moved out to Bay Area and have started school now. I’m about a month in to classes and love it so much. I loved the feeling I got when I received my first homework assignment and just had no idea initially where to even start. It hurt so good to be able to not understand something but know that I can with time. It’s been a while since I’ve felt that way. I also just love learning all the amazing research that is being done here. Every time I meet a professor to talk about their work, I’m in awe of the things they’ve accomplished and how well they think about problems and how much of a vision they have. Can I please be her/him? 

In all honesty, I’m writing this today because I’m feeling a bit emotional. I decided to go to grad school because I wanted to know more about how the world works and harness that knowledge to create something useful out of science. Something meaningful. It took me a bit to adjust. I think I treated that first week of orientation as one long week of networking, even though that is not the way it should have been (or may it is since that is kind of what it sounded like the point was). Once classes started, I felt this part of my brain turn on. The part that was kind of just dormant the past two years while I was working. It wasn’t that I wasn’t using math at work, though. I just didn’t use it in the same way that I do when I’m in school. I’m not sure why, either. But I’m glad that I’m using my brain that way again.

Classes are hard. Thermodynamics is hard. I sometimes make myself feel so bad that I don’t understand how to solve a certain problem when really I shouldn’t be doing that. I guess it’s because I believe that I should be able to get it immediately. And it’s difficult to transition to a level where I am okay with myself not getting something immediately but still feel confident in my own intelligence. Smart does not mean you know everything. That has become a mantra.

I was really excited to begin my research rotation. I wanted to learn how theory and computation work because the prospect of never stepping foot into a laboratory and doing experiments was so appealing. I never need to worry about wearing long pants and closed toe shoes (of which I only have one pair which are my sneakers)! Alas, I never actually got around to the theory and computation because I ended up spending most of my time just writing my research proposal for NSF. I learned a lot about the theory, though. I just didn’t actually produce anything besides a request for money to fund what I said I’d do (that I don’t know how to do). 

On the bright side, I did get a chance to help out a grad student in my lab with some experiments. And I could not be happier that I said yes to helping him. First of all, I think that this grad student is who I aspire to be when I graduate from here. He has this deep understanding of the fundamentals of physics, chemistry, and mathematics that definitely make him one of the most brilliant people I know. In a three hour lesson on just one part of his research (he works on like four or five different things), he managed to tie together all the lessons from my math class that I thought were different topics that had nothing to do with each other as well as themes from my thermodynamics class. I admit that I still don’t entirely get it, but I want to. I want to have his knowledge, his way of thinking (which is so thorough), and his accomplishments. I want his mentorship. Unfortunately, though, he is a sixth year and graduating in a month, so I only have limited time to pick his brain. Second thing to come out of this arrangement is that I discovered how much I actually enjoy doing experiments. I used to have this image of experimentalists that was very narrow. They get the on paper reactions and go into the lab to try new combinations out and see if they can produce what they think it will produce. But no, that’s just the bad experimentalists. This grad student is a good experimentalist, meaning he understands the physics as well as the chemistry of what is happening at the molecular level, and that lends him that much more success at the experiments he does do. Can I please have that ability? 

I enjoy doing experiments probably also because it is producing something. Just doing pencil and paper equation solving seems like only doing half the work because the solution should be leading to some greater good. I also want to be doing whatever it is that the solution will lead to. That’s what I’ve come to realize. I want both sides. I basically want to be this sixth year grad student. To have his deep fundamental understanding and his accomplishments in terms of creating something functional in the lab. 

On the other hand, I need to look at my options for an advisor. He definitely didn’t set out to become who he is. He actually got into his situation by a sequence of events that seemed pretty unfortunate, but now, five years later, those events have shaped him to be this brilliant mind. How can I construct this same sequence for myself? Or do I not? I had an amazing talk with a professor here that I feel is very similar to me. My first thought when I saw her talk for the first time was, I like her. She’s got this confidence and decisiveness that I really admire. And she really truly believes in herself. That’s something I need to work on. If I’ve been feeling anything the past month, it’s feeling like an imposter. Among all of these really smart people, I often feel like the dumbest person in the room. I know that it is good for me to be surrounded by others who are smarter and know more and who will push me to become smarter and know more, but it is still intimidating. 

What is my point here? My point is that I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed, and this was my way of calming myself down. I feel overwhelmed by questions like, Who will be my advisor? How should I choose that person? Will that person help me towards become a professor? Do I even want to be a professor? What will it be like to work with them? Will I be able to do well with them? Do I have the ability to learn everything I need to learn to excel?

And while I know the answers to these questions, I haven’t yet internalized those answers yet. It does not matter who my advisor will be right now. I’m still in the process of discovering. I think I will know if it is a right fit, and if it is not, I’m not at the point of no return. I don’t need to know my long term goals. If I choose an advisor that I feel is right for me, whatever I choose to do after grad school will be possible. And yes, I will be able to learn what I need. Most importantly, from now on out, I’m only competing with myself. I only need to make sure that every day I am the best version of me--not anybody else. I believe the best version of me can excel.

[beautyoflittlethings]

[beautyoflittlethings]

Reflecting Again

I feel like I’ve been in a funk recently, and I can’t seem to really get out of it. It sort of started when a coworker of mine began talking about this bag she wanted to buy. It was a Chanel bag and cost $3,500, and she couldn’t make up her mind of whether to buy that one or the one she really wanted, which was only $1,500 more. I gave her this look that showed how ridiculous I found her dilemma, but the more she talked, the more fascinated with this idea of having a designer bag I became. It was a status symbol--albeit, a status symbol I never wanted before. And to be able to buy yourself the bag, she explained, was like proving that she had enough money. I know that I don’t agree with this belief, but it kept tugging at me the idea that I need to have a certain amount of money in my bank account to feel confident walking around. Obviously, that’s not the right way to think about it. And besides, when did I care so much about that anyways?

Money is a tough conversation to have anywhere and anytime. It’s considered taboo to talk about it. In my family, I grew up not having a lot of money and being told to be frugal. I brought lunch every day, I shopped clothes that were on sale, and I didn’t buy frivolous extras that I knew I didn’t need. As college came and went, I think I began to splurge more--partially because I had an income that was way too much for a college student and partially because I got so much money in funding  from my school for all the clubs that I ran. When I got to New York, that spending habit became worse. From eating out to going out to trying out all these new hobbies that were crazy expensive like rock climbing or jiu jitsu, I was definitely not keeping track of what I was doing with my money. Then, about a year in, I decided to cut back a little. I brought lunch to work, I paid for a gym membership at my company, which was a fraction of the cost of an outside gym membership. I was trying to not eat out during the week and get groceries instead. I limited my spending to necessary things and stopped trying to “treat myself.” It was going well until I met my boyfriend.

He, like me, is obsessed with food. The difference is he works in the industry and has access to all of the great restaurants in New York. We’d go to one, get some dishes on the house, but the etiquette is, of course, to pay back the price of those dishes with the tip. So, I’d end up spending quite a bit on my dinners anyways, despite the perk of him being in the industry. I loved it and I still do. What foodie doesn’t enjoy going out to eat good food in amazing settings all the time? But the problem is that I have come to expect that. It’s like an addiction or something I can’t break out of. How can I go back to eating the bland food that I could on my own for myself with the groceries I buy? It’s even harder because I know I’m leaving this lifestyle soon, including my salary, and I won’t be able to afford the lifestyle I currently lead for the next 5 years.

I guess the question I keep asking myself recently is: Is the next step really what I want to do? I think it is. I just wish someone would tell me it is. It’s really stressing me out, to be quite honest. It’s a big life decision to quite your job and move across the country to pursue a doctorate degree in science. To go from making six figures to less than a third of that. To move away from the only family I have in this country. To move away from the first guy I’ve ever felt so strongly for. To give up an okay, stable, pretty enjoyable job for one I’m not entirely sure I will love. I want to be excited! I really really do, but I’m also feeling so sad about it. I think when I leave here, even though I will be so happy to be starting a new chapter of my life, I’m going to have a very big cry. I feel like having a very big cry right now. I don’t know what this is. Maybe it’s just stress. Maybe it’s my body telling me I’m making the wrong decision. God, I hope it’s not that. Either way, it’s too late. I’m moving on with my life. I know that 7 days out of 10 at work I wish I was doing something else. I know that 6 years from now I don’t want to be doing the same thing I’m doing right now. I know that my legacy that I want to have is in the world of science. I know that I do love it and get excited about it. I know I’ll have such a great group of friends in the Bay that it’ll all be better.  I know my relationship will survive this separation. Now, please just let me be at peace. Please just let me feel happy to be going. Please just let me have a great rest of my time here in New York (stop thinking about saving up for graduate school!). Please let me be present for every moment so I can savor it and keep it with me in my memory when I am no longer here with everyone in this great city. 

[beautyoflittlethings]

I think whenever I get sick, I get to thinking about my life and what I have done so far. Maybe it’s because when you aren’t sick, you’re just on your feet, constantly striving forwards and not taking a moment to rest and reflect. When you’re sick, you realize how human you really are, and that makes you stop to look at your path to where you are now.

In the past few months, I think my life has really taken off. I couldn’t have imagined how I’d be living my life today a year ago. Back then, I faced the big daunting task of even having friends in this city. I hated my job and my situation, and I could barely tolerate this city of people. But now, I love it. I love my group of friends here (though I don’t see them often enough), I love this city and all it has to offer, and I love the people I know at work.

One more thing that’s really helped my life turn upside down is that I began to date someone seriously. It’s so weird to think that all those months I spent on the dating apps actually culminated in something. I totally expected to end up dating someone I met in real life and realize how stupid it was that I spent so much time on the dating apps, but actually it was exactly that which brought us together. It’s been so fun to learn about him and his way of life, which is the complete opposite of mine. I’ve come to think a lot more about myself through my interactions with him. I think that might be my favorite part of being in a relationship: learning more things about myself and my wishes in relation to others.

That all said, I am planning to leave (finally!) for California. I extended my time here for a year, something I’m glad I did, but ultimately I don’t feel fulfilled enough to want to stay. It’s daunting to say goodbye to the nice salary and the friends I’ve made here, to be on the opposite coast from my family instead of just an hour train ride away, to leave behind my boyfriend, and to embark on a journey that has no definite end. I think that it’ll be a good experience, even if I can’t help feeling a bit sad inside. Maybe it’s because I’m sick, or maybe it’s hormones, or maybe it’s that my departure from this city is becoming more real, but today I just feel like having a really big cry. 

[beautyoflittlethings]

MoMA PS1 :: Long Island City, NYC

#travel #nyc #lic #moma

[beautyoflittlethings]

Acadia, ME :: Portland, ME :: Bath, ME 

Eventide Oysters :: Allagash Brewery

#travel #food #hiking #acadia #maine #brewery #lobster

[beautyoflittlethings]

If it wasn’t obvious already...Machu Picchu at sunrise and sunset.

#travel #peru #machu picchu #photo #photography #hiking #incatrail

[beautyoflittlethings]

Wow. It’s been a really long time since I’ve updated here. Looking back, the last thing I talked about was the Cherry Blossom festival, and now both friends I went to that with have left the city for good. Since then, life has gotten a lot more hectic and better in some ways.

I’ve moved to a new apartment. Moving in New York sucks! I could write a whole article about how much of a hassle it is (even when I had my mother’s car to help me move). That’s behind me now, though, so let’s move on. 

I have a new roommate who is AWESOME! Well, I knew this already because she and I lived together for a year in college, too. Although I haven’t seen her all that much because of our work schedules, it’s still been a fun time to have her here with me when I do need to chill with someone familiar. On another note, my former roommate and I have pretty much severed all ties. More on this later...

I did my big four day hike in the Andes mountains to get to Machu Picchu! That was probably the biggest life update of all the things that have happened. I’ll follow up on that in a separate post solely dedicated to that trip. 

My job has gotten really crazy recently, with me working late into the night almost every night for the past month and a half. It’s a good and bad thing, but soon we’ll have help, so hopefully I’ll get my life back!

Check out the photospreads for what I’ve been up to!

[beautyoflittlethings]

Brooklyn Botanical Gardens :: Sakura Festival

#bbg #brooklyn #botanical gardens #sakura #cherry blossom #festival #flower #japan #japanese

[beautyoflittlethings]

New York Botanical Gardens

#nybg #nybgorchidshow #flowers #photography #garden #botanical

[beautyoflittlethings]

New York Botanical Gardens Chihuly Exhibition

#nybg #nybgorchidshow #nybgchihuly #chihuly #glass #glassblowing #garden #photography

[beautyoflittlethings]

Chalait :: matcha latte

Her Name Is Han :: her brunch

#food #foodie #korean food #her name is han #chalait #matcha #latte #green tea latte #latte art #avocado #avocado toast #photography #photo #brunch

[beautyoflittlethings]

Birthdays as a Benchmark

Nine months ago when I first moved to this city, I felt very much alone. Without anyone from school moving to the city with me, it felt like I needed to start all over again with friends, my social life, my work life, everything. I needed a goal for myself to reach to turn around where I was in my life. One of those goals was that by the time my birthday came around in April, I would have enough close friends to throw a birthday party. That basically became my fear: that I would be all alone on my birthday. But, as evidenced by the past few days, I have more than accomplished my goal! 

It amazes me how many friends I have now here. I’m so incredibly happy to finally have a place here and to be able to have such a fun weekend! From all you can eat sushi and all you can drink sake to karoake to korean BBQ to HOLI color festival to the best burgers in the city, everything has been so great and really has put a smile on my face for so much of the weekend. I think life has been pretty good! Except for the little bit of feeling lost. I’ll figure it out, though. I know I will. It’s just a bit different than before in school.

[beautyoflittlethings]

Hello again!

I believe it’s been quite some time since I’ve written anything on here, so long time no see! Lots has happened since I last reflected here on my life (a.k.a. since last September). I’ve finally settled into my job, I’ve found a group of friends here, I’ve explored much more of New York City that I ever imagined, I’ve made some life decisions, I’ve gone on another great adventure, I’ve learned a few things along the way. 

The first thing is that I’ve decided to stay for another year in New York. It was a difficult conclusion to come to but ultimately one that I standby and am happy I chose. There’s definitely an element of nervousness in my now no longer sure future, but I also think the motivation from that will be good for me to finally have something to work towards. This also means I get to spend another year here with my friends (I have friends now!), which makes me very happy as I was only just getting to know them, so leaving so soon would not have been a very good time :(

My job has gotten better, but with more responsibility comes...oh, I don’t even know what the saying is. Basically, more work I guess. I come home later and work longer hours and even had to be all by myself handling everything for a good portion of a week, but through all the tests, I’ve come out relatively unscathed. Here’s hoping I continue to get better and better at what I do!

Lastly, I went to Greece! Definitely one of the best weeks I’ve had in a long time. There were moments when my abs hurt from laughing too hard. I miss my friends from MIT. It really is them who know me best and know how to get things going. Roamed the streets of Athens and walked along the path that the ancient Greeks took, kissed a cute Greek boy, rode donkeys up a hill so steep I thought I’d fall off the donkey and to my death, swam in the Mediterranean even though it was freezing because on the other side was a volcanic hot spring, watched too many sunsets (reminded me of Israel), drank lots of (cheap) Greek wine, fell in love with olives and souvlaki and tzatziki, and got free dessert at least three times. Greece was a pretty relaxing place and incredibly affordable (I was astounded by how little money I spent overall). The people there were very nice, though for obvious reasons I could never live there long term. Did you know that 90% of transactions there are in cash? We were Googling that and other random things about the Greeks, trying to figure out how they could have such a problem with taxes. It all makes sense now, considering 2% of people with swimming pools reported they had one in order to not pay taxes on it. 

That’s all for now! 

#travel #greece #blog

[beautyoflittlethings]

Sunset :: Oia, Santorini, Greece

#travel #photography #photo #oia #greece #greek #santorini #sunset