apenchantforviolence

[apenchantforviolence]

I self-harmed today for the first time in a very long time.

#journal entry #time stamp: 18.11.23 - 11pm #self harm #self harm tw

[apenchantforviolence]

Sometimes I look into the mirror and think "hey, I'm actually a pretty decent looking guy" - like, I'm not stunningly beautiful, but also far from ugly. But spending my teenage years being consistently ostrachized and made to feel like no one could ever be attracted to me, messed up my body image enough that despite that thought I will continue feeling fully undesirable.

#journal entry #time stamp: 12.10.23 - 1pm #body image

[apenchantforviolence]

Not me working through intensely personal issues through fic, praying that no one in the fandom notices it actually about me or is at least gracious enough not to mention it.

#fanfitcion #writing #journal entry #time stamp: 17.09.23 - 5pm #had a revelation recently that i need to work out and how better to do it than project it on a character #let's just hope my fandom friends are kind enough not to drag *me* into the character's revelation.

[apenchantforviolence]

#the one i may have loved once #reblog

[apenchantforviolence]

I'm not into older men because i have daddy issues. I'm just gay and have been raised to be hyper-independant and -responsible and sometimes it would just be nice to have someone to protect me and look out for me.

#journal entry #time stamp: 22.07.23 - 10am #my weird brand of attraction #my parents did their best. doesn't mean they didn't fuck me up

[apenchantforviolence]

Horny, but not in a fun way :/ more in a very yearning, touch-starved, despairing way, because i don't think i'll *ever* be able to get what i want how i want it.

#journal entry #although not really i think #time stamp: 06.06.23 - 7.30pm #nsfw #ish #either i'm about to get my period or my brain is just being irritating for no reason

[apenchantforviolence]

Once, just once, I want someone to look at me like they want me. Like they actually desire me, not because they're drunk, not because it's convenient, but because they actually want me.

#journal entry #time stamp: 23.05.23 - 8:30pm #no clue how to tag this #i don't think anyone has ever looked at me like that including my ex and the dude i fucked for a while two years ago

[apenchantforviolence]

Having a ONS looks so easy in movies/shows/books but it sure isn't that easy if you have autism, are socially awkward and don't usually pass as the gender you want to be perceived as.

#journal entry #time stamp: 18.04.23 - 5.30pm #nsfw text #sex mention #just have been vaguely horny and missing sex lately

[apenchantforviolence]

i’m bored with myself as a person maybe i should do some drugs or crash a car or stop eating again or pick up a nice smoking habit just to keep me busy

#reblog #drugs tw #disordered eating #same

[apenchantforviolence]

Having a massive "no energy for anything, hair's breath from crying at all times for no reason at all" episode again. Fucking HATE feeling like this. Should probably get out of the flat for some enrichment, but my brother's expecting a package I'll have to sign for, so I can't even do that...

#journal entry #time stamp: 08.03.23 - 11am #depression #understimulated #probably

[apenchantforviolence]

I was listening to some Rise Against again earlier, and was reminded of something from school. I used to sort of draw lyrics into a note book in class (because doodling helps the ADHD), and one day was doing something from Prayer of the Refugee, specifically "I can stand my own ground / I don't need your help now", and my teacher semi-concerned reminded me, that that's not how life works and that I don't have to do everything on my own.

And, first of all, of all teachers I had, he should have been able to recognize Rise Against lyrics, and second, he obviously hadn't spent a single hour actually observing our class dynamic, because newsflash, I had zero friends in that class and only a handful of people begrudgingly tolerating me, so yes, I did in fact have to do everything by myself and on my own. (Which only got worse during my first go at college, so honestly, can you fault me for turning my back on people and going "I don't need your help now"?)

#journal entry #time stamp: 17.02.23 - 10.30am #music #loneliness #isolation #i wasn't outright bullied but consistently ignored and ostracized by my classmates #and yeah that shit does something to you #rise against #prayer of the refugee

[apenchantforviolence]

I'm not bitter my last two fics got zero comments despite being prompt fills. I'm not bitter my last two fics got zero comments. I'm not bitter. I'm not-

#i'm a little bitter #because they were prompt fills #if you prompt someone the least you can do is comment on the resulting fic #even if it wasn't 100% to your liking #journal entry #time stamp: 12.01.23 - 8pm #to be deleted

[apenchantforviolence]

It's a weird feeling, coming to accept that your parents were/are emotionally neglectful to a degree, but also being unable to hold it against them, because... you know their parents. They didn't learn it any other way. They didn't have any other models.

#journal entry #time stamp: 6.1.23 - 10am #emotional neglect #my dysfunctional family #like. my dad's mum is a straight up bitch who actively neglected him. #my mum's parents are lovely but also very very much emotionally distant people. #especially my grandpa #and my mum's best friend's dad who was responsible for their sports training was even *worse*. #so. yeah. where should they have learned it?

[apenchantforviolence]

Can my parents maybe manage to be not passive-aggressive for ONE day?

#journal entry #time stamp: 29.12.22 - 3pm #my dysfunctional family #they really can't go longer than a few hours without having a go at each other

[apenchantforviolence]

It's not that I don't like my parents. It's just that I would prefer them around me in small, easily escapable doses.

#journal entry #time stamp: 24.12.22 - 10am #my dysfunctional family #i do not want to spend more than a few hours with them in a three-room-flat #unfortunately we sill have to spend three days with them in this flat

[apenchantforviolence]

"Do you still love him?" I know the answer.

"I did, once. I don't know, memory is a faulty thing and the past moves in circles. I don't think about some things for months, only to obsess over them for a week. Also, I don't think I know him now. I did once, and I loved him, loved who he was and who he could be. But I know he's a different person now, I am too."

-Ritika Jyala, excerpt from The Flesh I Burned

(read full excerpt here)

#ritika jyala #the flesh i burned #poetry #literature #reblog #the one i may have loved once

[apenchantforviolence]

...My mother loves me and there is nothing more to say. I love my mother and there is nothing more to say. I pray and pray that I don't become her someday, and there is nothing more to say.

-Ritika Jyala, excerpt from The Flesh I Burned

(source)

#reblog #ritika jyala #literature #quote #my dysfunctional family