anewwaytolivelife

[anewwaytolivelife]

Day 1 - My Eating History

Since my last post, I have been really trying to come up with ways to deal with my binge eating. I decided to go ahead and do the workbook from “Stop Eating Your Heart Out: The 21-Day Program to Free Yourself from Emotional Eating,“ by Meryl Hershey Beck . Here is day one. Please be kind to me throughout this process - I am really opening up in a lot of these answers, as I am trying to really dig deep on these issues. Warning: it is SUPER long.

What was mealtime like around your house?

At my mom’s house, we would usually get the food at the stove, serve ourselves, and then sit on the table, not always together. Each person ate whenever they felt hungry.

At my dad’s house, however, we always ate meals together at the table.

What did you do for breakfast before heading to school?

I don’t remember… all I remember is that most days I went to school without having breakfast.

Were you praised for being a good eater?

Yes, very much so, especially in my early years, before I was 5 and I started putting on weight. Both of my parents praised me for eating more than my siblings, who were picky eaters.

Were you always or never hungry?

I remember always being hungry as a kid, so I was always reaching for food, especially sweets. I remember always asking my grandpa for change so I could get candy from one of these “store-trailers” they had in my apartment complex.

What about big family gatherings - holidays? Celebrations?

Always a lot of food involved, and perhaps the one of the few times of the year where gluttony was openly accepted around my family, so I used to really take advantage of those days to eat as much as I could.

Did you use food for comfort? When did it start?

Yes, very much so. I don’t remember exactly when it began, but I remember I used to have terrible anxiety going to school around the 2nd grade, because I didn’t have any friends and the ones I had treated me horribly. I was an outcast for a lot of reasons, but especially because of my weight. Feeling like I didn’t belong, on the other hand, triggered me to eat more… I would have an “alfajor” (baked good covered and filled with chocolate) before school almost everyday, and I would also have a lot of unhealthy food during the lunches/breaks for comfort.

When did your weight issues start?

I would say they started when I was around 4-5 years old. That’s when I remember people started to make comments about how big I was for my age.

Are there certain foods you crave?

I crave everything, but especially sweets. But once I have a sweet, I start craving something savory… so its’ an never ending cycle. I’ve ALWAYS had a sweet tooth, though, for as long as I remember existing.

What did your caretakers say about your eating?

Like I said before, in my very early years, I was praised for eating a lot, especially because some of my siblings were picky eaters. However, as my weight started to raise and I became visibly chubby, they started reprehending my eating habits on a daily basis. They always pointed out at pretty much every meal that I was eating more than they thought was necessary.

What messages did you give yourself about your eating?

I guess as a result of people constantly policing my eating habits, I felt like I was not someone that could be trusted around food, that I should not trust my body hunger instincts.

Did you become a binge eater? If so, when?

I think I always ate more than other kids, but I think I became a binge eater around 9-11 years old. I would eat large amounts of food away from people so that in front of them I could pretend to be “controlled” like they expected me to be. It certainly got worse after I moved to the U.S., for a lot of reasons; partly because being in a new place where I did not speak the language and apart from my mother was hard, but also because of the way my stepmom made me feel about my body. She constantly compared me with my friends and made it clear I NEEDED to lose weight to be considered attractive.The combination of these and other factors led me to start dieting and severely restricting my food intake - which made by binging habits worse.

Do you feel out-of-control with food?

Some days are better than others. The more structured I have a day - that is, the more meal prep and meal planning I do - the better I am at having healthy eating habits. I feel out-of-control sometimes when outside food is offered, or when my parents bring home something special like a treat and then all of a sudden my meal plan is threatened and I don’t know how to deal with that situation. Or when I am at an event I don’t know if healthy food options will be available. That leads to a lot of anxiety which then leads to binging, if that makes sense.

Has food been your security blanket? When did that begin?

In some ways, yes. I am not sure when exactly that started, but I remember when my aunt Marcia died, she was a big foodie and chubby like me, unlike the rest of my family who were naturally leaner. She cooked the most amazing food and never made me feel bad about eating. When she died, I think I was around 4, I remember turning to food for comfort, so I wouldn’t feel sad. The food also reminded me of her, the love she had for me and my siblings, always cooking delicious meals every time we visited her house.

Are you following the “See Food” diet now: see food, eat it! ?

No, I definitely am not following that diet (or any diet for that matter). I’ll be honest and admit I used to eat like that all the time, and that I have been working towards making healthier choices without restricting my eating (that is, eating enough so I feel satisfied but not until I can’t breathe because I am so full). With that being said, seeing certain foods can be triggers (junk food, sweets, cake, etc). I think it’s important to point out that it is very rare that I will actually buy those foods myself; they are usually either offered to me at work or at a social gathering, or my parents will bring it home. I am mostly able to avoid certain foods, such as junk food, as long as they are not in sight.

What foods can you not eat one of...it’s an automatic “eat the whole thing” if you start eating it?

It’s very rare I will “eat the whole thing” of one thing. I have this mindset if I eat one “bad” thing (like, let’s say, a doughnut) then it’s helpless to try eating healthier the rest of the day, so I just keep eating other unhealthy food options until the day is over (but not usually several of the same thing). I am a perfectionist, so it just makes the whole eating balanced thing a whole lot harder for me.

Do you feel guilty about your eating?

Very much so, although it is not as bad nowadays as it used to be. I always try to remind myself to treat myself kindly and to forgive myself when I have binging episodes. I usually don’t feel bad about it anymore in a weight sense (like, appearance wise). I am more concerned about the internal damage these processed and unhealthy foods do to my body in a more holistic manner, so that’s what I really feel bad about, treating my body so shitty by feeding it food that is not going to nourish it.

Have you dieted? Successfully or unsuccessfully?

Yes, both successfully and unsuccessfully. I have been trying to diet since I was about 10. When I was 13 I lost a lot of weight and was closer to what people consider “normal”, but I was really restricting back then. I was also exercising a lot, I joined the gym… that’s when “the incident” happened. This guy that was a janitor at the YMCA, a true pedophile now that I am thinking about it, tried to make several advances on me. When I told my parents, my dad said I should just quit going to the gym. Neither of them took action so this guy could be punished. My stepmom actually went as far as insinuating I was acting provocatively and that’s why he made advances. Which is infuriating because I was just 13 and this guy was probably in his late 50s. Long story short, I quit the gym because of creeper old dude and went back to old eating habits, gaining it all back and a lot more throughout the years. Then last year,decided to make healthier choices by taking tiny baby steps. I have lost 60+ pounds since then, but I still have binge eating episodes (though less frequently), so I guess this is why I am doing this in the first place.

How satisfied are you with your body image?

I go through daily ups and downS, though nowadays I am much better than I was during my teen years. Exercising and seeing what my body is capable of despite the way it “looks” has been a huge booster to my self-esteem and body imagine because it made me realize my body is a lot more than what you can see on the surface. If I had to say on a scale of 1-10 how satisfied I am with my body, I would give myself a 7.

What messages have others given you (childhood and beyond) and what messages have you given yourself?

That I am lazy. That I need to lose weight. That I lack self-control. That I am fat therefore I am ugly. That nobody will love me the way I look.

#tw:binge eating #tw: ed

[anewwaytolivelife]

Alright, this is going to be a hard one.

A lot of people have noticed, commented on, and even made me feel self-conscious about losing weight.

There are many thoughts that flood my head when they do so. Yes, I have lost a lot of weight (around 60 pounds). No, I did not try any crazy diets or exercise routines. No, I am not starving myself. Yes, it was definitely A LOT of  hard work. No, it did not happen overnight (1 year and six months, and still counting).

Above all, however, what I want to tell them - especially those who consider themselves overweight - is that losing weight is no panacea.

I used to think losing weight would solve a lot of my problems. For instance, I thought my lack of friends was weight related. Or that if I were to reach a certain weight, all my self-loathing would go away instantly. Or that if only I weighed less, I would be able to wear everything I wanted to. None of this changed dramatically after losing the weight.

Yet the place that hits home the most, at least in terms of progressing towards a point where I have a healthy relationship with food, is the fact that I still have binge eating episodes, even after nearly a year and a half of attempting to embrace healthy eating habits. It was one of those episodes (which just ended about two hours ago) that led me to start reflecting on my healthy lifestyle journey once again. Granted, it has been almost two months since the last time this happened, and it has occurred a lot less frequently as time goes by.

The main problem is that no matter how long it has been, it continues to leave me crushed and disoriented each and every time because I feel so powerless against something seemly innocent: food. It made me feel even more confused this time because everything in my life seems to be doing fairly well (for once). Why could I not stop myself? Why does food still have so much power over me?

It is obvious I am far from reaching the answers to these questions. All I can do now is move forward and try not to let this one mistake impair all the positive changes I have been making in my life. I will continue to reflect on this issue until I find the answers and some needed inner peace.

Simultaneously, I decided to end the night with some very well-needed self-care, including reading, talking to my fiancé, and drinking tons of water. I also set everything up to go to the gym tomorrow morning and do yoga, including packing my bag, my mat, and healthy snacks.

I will not let one mistake define me. Not this time.

#weightloss #healthy habits #healthy journey #tw: ed #tw: binge eating #tw: weight

[anewwaytolivelife]

I want to bloom

#art #art therapy #journal art #diary

[anewwaytolivelife]

I am grateful for all the love I have in my life.

I am grateful to have loving family members who care about me.

I am grateful for all the sacrifices my parents did for me.

I am grateful for my grandparents and all the love and care they provided me with.

I am grateful for all the memories I have with my brothers and my sister.

I am grateful for my nieces and my nephew.

I am grateful for my wonderful fiancé. I am grateful for all the moments we have shared, your patience and our everlasting commitment.

I am grateful for my best friend Rohana. I am grateful that despite distance you have remained the most loyal person in my life.

I am grateful for all of those who have been a part of my life at one point or another. I am grateful because each person taught me something different.

I am grateful to have a comfortable home to live in.

I am grateful to have healthy and delicious food available at all times.

I am grateful for graduating college and all the knowledge I acquired while there.

I am grateful for all the opportunities that have been given to me.

I am grateful for my bike.

I am grateful I get to work out.

I am grateful for my healthy body and mind.

I am grateful for my job and the financial stability it provides me with.

I am grateful to this list for making me feel so grateful.

I am grateful I have lived through this day.

Today my night ended pretty shitty, and I was about to post a huge rant. I decided to focus on this list instead.

#diary #grateful #blessed #healthy habits #coping skills #one day at a time

[anewwaytolivelife]

Everyday I wake up and see your good morning text on my phone and I need to remind myself I am not dreaming - that you’re indeed a part of my life. For many years before we finally crossed each other’s paths again, I would indulge in the fantasy of being able to call you mine once more. I never wanted, hoped, or wished for anything to happen as much as you and I. I promise I will never take what we have for granted. You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me and I am the luckiest and happiest woman in the world to be able to call you my fiancé.

#diary #long distance relationship #ldr #vera

[anewwaytolivelife]

I’ve been meaning to do this for a while

For some time now, I’ve been thinking about creating a blog solely dedicated to writing. Mostly as a place where I can vent, a diary of sorts… There will be some poetry as sometimes that tickles my fancy. The main purpose, however, will be for me to ramble about every day occurrences and to dissect the meaning (or lack thereof) in my human experiences. 

I might occasionally post in Portuguese , or I might mix Portuguese and English. Since this blog is primarily a means for me to find myself, it will most likely not make sense to you at times. Yet I hope that, more often than not, you see pieces of yourself scattered through my vast range of raw emotions and senseless thoughts. 

I hope this lasts.

#diary #emotions #thoughts #ramble