afraidofmyselfwhy

[afraidofmyselfwhy]

I had my birthday during this week. And it went pretty good. I had a childhood dessert on my birthday and also baked a cake for when I was with my friends.

I kind of overate on the cake and vanilla whip but it was fine. I didn't feel bloated or anything the day after. So I'll move on and continue.

Though I had some trouble mentaly these past few days. I have been really insecure in myself, not being able to decide anything, doubting myself and so on. Don't think I've cried as much at point in my life😅

But now I'm good, it just took a few days and some time with friends.

Also finally it's starting to look like autumn, and now I look so much forward to when I can wear scarves, beanies, jackets and sit at home and drink tea, fire in the fireplace and to think that Halloween is not far away... autumn, my favourite time of the year...🍁🍂🥰

Sorry, that this post was so long and I just ranted, just wanted to get some feelings out.

#ana thoughts #just using tags #ana recipes #eating disoder recovery #eating disoder things #self healing

[afraidofmyselfwhy]

I weighed in today, though I didn't get to see what it was. But I am afraid that it's lower than last time and I'm disappointed in myself because I went to bed a bit hungry, even though I ate right before, but my dinner was a bit small and I even said no to popcorn while watching a movie at a friend's house for schoolwork.

But yesterday won't ruin today, I'll keep on going and just enjoy life, and the fantastic cardamom and carrot bread I made (taste like carrot cake but in bread form/unsweetened carrot cake).😆

#ana thoughts #just using tags #ana recipes #eating disoder recovery #eating disoder things #self healing #tw weight

[afraidofmyselfwhy]

I know that I haven't posted in a while. I've been trying to focus on recovery.

During this time I've been making some small steps. I am slowly gaining, too slow, but at least it's something (because of this I'm not allowed to go back to dancing). I've also been getting more excited about food, trying new/old things and become more comfortable with the increasing food intake.

But I'm still restricting, I'm still counting, I'm still walking for exercise when I'm home alone etc. I even did 15 min hiit after eating a big handful of nuts.

Yesterday was bad, I was constantly trying to balance between hard restriction and binging. And just before going over to some friends for dinner I snapped and started panicking. I didn't have the energy to go to dinner/socialising, I was afraid that I'd overeat there. But I didn't want to be home alone and also maybe binge. I felt hopeless. But I still went but I was tense the whole night but tried to hide it.

The portion they served was huge, because of the situation we didn't serve ourselves, and the dessert was ice cream. By dessert I was so tired but still tense that my body was shaking.

But I'm not giving up, yesterday was bad but I'll make today good. And tomorrow better.

I wish you all a great day and an even greater upcoming week💜

#ana thoughts #just using tags #ana recipes #eating disoder recovery #eating disoder things #self healing

[afraidofmyselfwhy]

Damn, gaining weight is harder than losing weight... I've stood still for a week and now I lost 0.1 kg. It's not a lot but my mom said yesterday that I should try to "at least" gain 1 kg before my next talk with the ED clinic, and that is in 1 week!

I don't know what to do, I want to dance but I feel like I can't gain that quickly without binging, and I don't want to slip back into that cycle.

Maybe I'll just continue to try harder... hope it works out.

#ana thoughts #just using tags #ana recipes #eating disoder recovery #eating disoder things #tw weight

[afraidofmyselfwhy]

The bloat I've felt the last couple of days is pretty uncomfortable. I don't like it but I have to accept it. It means that I eat enough. But I still don't eat enough. But I am increasing every day, my morning oatmeal now has almost twice the amount of oats, it's actually a whole serving! And I eat more for lunch and dinner and three snacks a day.

I also weigh myself less. I'm not supposed to weigh myself more than once a week but right now it's more like every two or three days. I just want to know how I'm doing, so that I don't go down more. If I continue to loose weight I'm not allowed to start dance class. And I want to dance!

Sorry for the rant, have a good day😄

#ana thoughts #just using tags #ana recipes #eating disoder recovery #eating disoder things #self healing #tw weight

[afraidofmyselfwhy]

Met some of my friends today going into town for coffee. I haven't seen these friends for a while and I have lost quite a bit of weight since last time. And they really noticed.

They wondered what had happened to me? What had I done? My best friend was more concerned, she seemed to understand by how I had a hard time answering that it probably wasn't good. My other friend was more enthusiastic and was wondering what I had done, so she could do the same to loose weight. I said to her that I didn't want to say because what I have done isn't healthy.

But she insisted saying: "yeah, OK, but tell me anyway, I'll just do it for two weeks and then stop," and when I insisted on not telling and she still wouldn't stop my best friend actually stepped in an said "(name) stop, let it be." She then stopped and said "OK, then I'll just eat vegetables for two weeks".

I was so grateful for my best friend stepping in and seemed to understand that I didn't want to talk about it. Only said, "please eat, just make sure to eat," and I reassured her that I did eat, now.

But we also walked for like two hours, I got to almost 17000 steps by the end of the day. I'm not supposed to exercise that much/burn so many calories. So when I got home I ate a bigger dinner. But I feel so full now, I want to do exercises before bed but I shouldn't. And I won't, I will win over this.

Hope everyone is doing well and taking care of themselves both physically and mentally💙

#ana thoughts #just using tags #ana recipes #eating disoder recovery #eating disoder things #self healing

[afraidofmyselfwhy]

This is the best coca cola flavour! Well, the best diet/zero cola. The absolute best is cherry! ... I think but it's so long since I had it. I'll have to stick with diet doctor pepper if I want cherry soda...

#ana thoughts #ana recipes

[afraidofmyselfwhy]

Even tho I ate less than usuall yesterday it seems like I stayed the same/gained. Idk, what should I do? I don't want the binge to hang over my head like it does now but I don't want to restrict and go deeper into this disorder when I finally seemed to get better.

At least the scones I made were good...😂

#ana thoughts #just using tags #ana recipes #eating disoder recovery #eating disoder things #tw weight

[afraidofmyselfwhy]

So I was kind of right. Last night I had gained 2 kg. After a night's sleep I was down 0.5 kg. But after the horrible result of laxatives I was down another kilo. So the result of yesterday is +0.5 kg, and I know that it's not fat that is going to stick on me (not with how I eat...).

So today I am kind of mindful of what I eat. Not restricting. Just mindful. I'm not going to eat things that are hard on my stomach. So some smoothie (breakfast), some soup (lunch), but still normal snacks and dinner.

I hope today goes well and I can move on forward from this💙

#ana thoughts #just using tags #ana recipes #eating disoder recovery #eating disoder things #self healing #tw weight

[afraidofmyselfwhy]

I binged today. The day went really good until the evening.

I didn't count calories, walked a bit to much tho, ate out and had fun, didn't feel bad about what I ate. I finally felt a bit free. And then I had to ruin it all by binging.

Total for today is ~3000 and I should've burnt about 1550 of it. But the rest of it is just sitting there in my stomach. It hate it. I should go up and talk to my parents. I will probably disappoint them but I'll work on this.

I will probably have gained tomorrow, surely around 1,5 kg - 2 kg

#ana thoughts #just using tags #ana recipes #eating disoder recovery #eating disoder things #tw weight

[afraidofmyselfwhy]

It's my sibling's birthday today and I feel like such a shitty sister. I am stressed and anxious, annoyed that he gets to have doughnuts for breakfast and kebab for lunch when I have never been able to have that (parents have always said no when I was younger so I stopped asking). And the fact that we are having guests over and food and socialising... it all is just too much and I have cried twice today.

So I have logged and counted calories today, just to have a sense of control, but tomorrow I'll stop again.

Also I'd gained 0.2 kg from yesterday. It's so little that it could just be the fact that I have not done number 2 in a few days and drank a lot of water. But it still puts that extra "thing" over me and it is just to much right now.

When I stress this much my whole body is tense and almost shaking and by now I'm pretty tired and exhausted but I'll be fine. I'll make it through tonight and that'll be it. No need to panic, it will all be fine.

#ana thoughts #just using tags #ana recipes #eating disoder recovery #eating disoder things #self healing #tw weight

[afraidofmyselfwhy]

The cheesecake turned out really good! So yummy and smooth😄🥰🍓

But I went on a walk before and it was maybe a little too long, like 35 min with high tempo... but at least I ate the cake and don't feel bad about it and is not freaking out about the quiche later!😄

#ana thoughts #just using tags #ana recipes #eating disoder recovery #eating disoder things #self healing

[afraidofmyselfwhy]

I'm going to make a cheesecake for the first time today! Along with my dad. This will be fun but this day is challenging.

Cheesecake for afternoon tea, a ramen for lunch (~350 kcal) and a quiche for dinner. Those things are all pretty high in calories. But I'll try to not freak out, my family has had enough of that during our time at my uncles. Tho I am planning on bying some no sugar digestives, light cream cheese and a lighter whipping cream. But that is just to make it easier to eat, not to make me able to eat it. It just makes it more ok in my head. I wish it wasn't like that...

#ana thoughts #just using tags #ana recipes #eating disoder recovery #eating disoder things

[afraidofmyselfwhy]

Once again when I went away from home I came back with weight lost. Like 1 kg once again, this is not good. Not good at all.

I will have to tell my parents later, and I don't know what will happen at my check up meeting in a week.

But I will continue with my: not exercising, two snacks, no hard restriction on other meals deal. Maybe eat a bit more. I'm still scared to go above 1000 kcal but I've been eating between 800 and 1000 for the whole week. It's still very little, I shouldn't be so scared to go above 1000...

#ana thoughts #just using tags #eating disoder recovery #ana recipes #eating disoder things #tw weight

[afraidofmyselfwhy]

I'm disappointed in myself. Today when my parents were out and right after I'd eaten my first snack I went out for a walk, a walk to burn calories, I even ran a bit.

I am still allowed to go on walks and things like that but not with the intent of burning more calories and things like that. But it felt nice, going out walking by myself, I haven't done that in a while. I still ate lunch as usual and my second snack and I'm contemplating some halo top later. Or maybe not, as I'm writing this I'm getting jittery thinking about it. Maybe tomorrow... but then I'll also be having cake, since we're celebrating a birthday.

I don't know!

I hope tomorrow will be better.

#ana thoughts #just using tags #ana recipes #eating disoder recovery #eating disoder things

[afraidofmyselfwhy]

So I ate a cake yesterday, like a 450 kcal small cake at a bakery. It was really good and I enjoyed it, also I was hungry since we'd been hiking.

But afterwards I felt so restless, I felt bad for eating it and just wanted it out of my body. Hated the feeling of still having the taste in my mouth. I also hated that I couldn't just eat less for dinner, I have to keep working against this disorder. But I still ate less.

Today I still feel bad, but I've tried to make it better by planning our my meals. I'm still going to eat my 5 meals (3 main and two snacks) but I'm still eating s bit lighter. Just for today, I promise. But I hate this. That I can't treat myself sometimes without feeling so guilty afterwards😔

#ana thoughts #just using tags #ana recipes #eating disoder recovery #eating disoder things #self healing

[afraidofmyselfwhy]

Tried the halo top... it was really good! I liked it, i just wish they had it where I live😕

#ana thoughts #just using tags #eating disoder recovery #ana recipes #eating disoder things