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abstractghoul · 2 years

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A Vampire’s Introspection

chapped lips parting, my open mouth pressed to the inside of your pale, vein-addled wrist. i scanned each blueish purple blood filled line on your arm feverishly, gaze yearning and frenzied; perhaps there was a trace of mourning hidden in my pupils as well. who can say. i’d never know certainly, i have never seen myself in a mirror nor will i ever.

idly my tongue mapped out a path on your skin, the first taste of your flesh always sending me into a deep spiral of desire that grated on my senses, as well as into a plunge of self hatred (pity?) so vile tasting it almost dissuades me each time.

almost

but instincts are instincts, and with a hand clenched nearly as tight as the long ago rusted chains wrapped so intricately around my undead, still heart, i held your arm without any pretense or flimsy falsehoods of gentleness. my nostrils flared, inhaling deeply the scent of your blood, my favorite and most hated drink.

i trembled, finally finding the strength to rip my gaze from your arm and firmly clench the offending lids shut. inhuman strength does have its perks sometimes, i suppose.

though the strength of willpower never comes through, only diminishes more and more over time with every drop of blood suckled from you, my one time lover. i wonder if the gradual desiccation of my human morals and attributes act as a replacement to the natural bodily decay all humans go through. oh to know what it’s like to grow old, particularly with you my dear. if only i could go back in time, tell my past self not to reach into the darkness and selfishly choose this life, if that’s what you could even still call it. because the simple fact of the matter is that i was not an innocent victim to this transition like so many unfortunate souls are. i sought it out, sought out the fangs and glamorous allure i knew i would get, sought out the power and wealth i was assured i would amass.

instead i received an affliction no man, woman, or child should ever have to suffer from. sleepless nights, lonely ones where i lay beside you, watching as you struggle to stay awake with me but eventually fall asleep as always. pale, translucent skin with eye bags plague me, but somehow seem to transfer to you as well, a side effect of the feeding? i do not know. i don’t ask if you know either, too much of a coward despite all of the ‘power’ i now retain. i spend days and nights indoors with you, lurking in corners of dark rooms with thick curtains perpetually drawn as i hunger for the sick pleasure of blood. skin festers and burns in the sun, wounds infecting as soon as they form, turning me into a sort of leper.

i have become a shell of my former self, and you have become my willing prisoner. you have the ability to leave anytime you please, and sometimes i beg you to, beg you to let me waste away in my misery or when i feel particularly selfish, to stake me in the heart (it’s more than i deserve; an easy way out). but you put on that smile of yours, the one i fell in love with all those years ago, though now it is markedly less vibrant and holds more than a tinge of exhaustion. and instead of heeding me, you simply tell me no. or ask me to turn you so we can be together forever. i refuse each and every time. you will not end up like me. you will not be made to suffer as i chose to, you will not become… whatever i am now.

and so i steel myself once more, as i have to do every time, and once again take the ferry that will one day lead me to hell. i allow my teeth to sink into your wrist, drain you of your precious life force, one of the things that make you human, and take it for myself. sustenance, i tell myself, but i know it goes much further than that. i know this delusion well. i know i pretend it makes me human again, to have your blood in my system.

and now it is over, and the present is here. i hold your body tight, yet still cradle you gently. i mind my hideous fangs and kiss your forehead gently, smoothing the hair out of your face; you have long since fainted. i let out a shaky sigh, not trusting myself to speak more than a simple, warbled, “i love you” with a voice that’s hinging on cracking. wether it be from lack of use or emotional toil, it does not matter. and when you faint for the last time, when it is time for us to part, we will not be able to say goodbye. but know i mean every word i have ever said to you, including when i told you all those years ago before this nightmare even began that you are my one and only. you are the light i can no longer normally withstand. you give me the brightness i need, you are whatever human is left of me, you are my world and my tether to anything holy despite all my sinfulness. and when you do leave me, you will not be replaced. i will mourn you for whatever sliver of eternity that is designated to be my punishment, until some wandering vagabond or hero or slayer happens upon me, and i will welcome them with open arms from atop my throne. i will not see you in the afterlife, for surely you have gone to a much better place than me. but i will still think of you during my torment, and pray you do not think of me. you deserve better than to have me invade your memories.

i’m holding a finger to your wrist, just to check. your pulse is still there, if only barely. i am not sure wether or not this is a good thing. my hold on you tightens, and i wish and pray to anything that would even consider listening to me that my unshed tears could fall. of course no one responds or grants me my one request. the best i can manage is a choked sob, teeth gritting and gnashing against each other as if in a competition to see just how destructive each one could be. my lip is torn open from the ensuing chaos yet no blood leaks from the deep and disfiguring wound.

when you awake i will not smile down at you, as i have long forgotten how. secretly i believe you to be forgetting as well. oh my love, can’t you see? you don’t need the bite.

you are already being turned into something egregious like me.

#vampire #vampcore #gothic #literature #short story #writing #not sure what this is #unhealthy relationships #love #but bad #tragedy #sad

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abstractghoul · 2 years

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you left me in a state that is not the same as how you found me. and through that i cannot help but to hate you but also to be so, so grateful. i have been touched by you and so forth been irrevocably changed, my entire being altered. stolen change fills my pockets and living spaces, pennies and nickels spilling from the slots in my rib cage, cemeteries now the spot i rest my decaying head, graveyard dirt and discarded bouquets of flowers up to my neck used and regarded as finely woven quilts and pillows to shield my cool skin from the cool air and ground, animal howls calling in the night rouse me (though not as much as your memory), and the liquid trickling down from my mouth is no longer from the sweet fruits i once picked with you, instead replaced by a warm, sticky and dull substance of the deepest claret. lips frayed and skin cracked, flesh flaying in obscene displays only highlight the lengths of which my devotion has taken me. for i am, in fact, a liar. though through touching me this is what i have become, that enough is true, yet it has and never will be your fault i am like this. because in my true nature i have always been this way, slinking beneath the surface, a hidden monstrosity that few bear witness; i have never been human. i was born a ghoul playing hide and seek, and through you i have finally been found.

#poety #dark aesthetic #ghoul #graveyard #mythology #unrequited love #i haven’t written in a while #let’s try again #poltergeist #love

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