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2022
Finally (finally) getting to my annual year recap. Between this one and last year I’ve been slacking and not getting to them until damn near halfway through the year. But like I said before, better late than never.
So this year was very interesting. Very interesting. What could’ve been the worst year of my life actually turned into one of my favorite years in recent memories, second to 2015. I think the main contributing factors to that was that I was pushed very hard to do and try new things. As well as foster and build a stronger relationship with my inner circle of friends - all of whom helped me get through what otherwise would’ve been an extremely challenging year with out them. So to start, in January I caught COVID. It was absolutely awful in the sense that I had the most bizarre side effects from the virus. I remember being like oh god, this is awful. It lasted about a week. Thankfully, nothing too severe happened as a result and I got over my symptoms in a decent amount of time.
Shortly after I recovered from COVID, my mom had passed away from the very same thing. She had a lot of health issues that were probably exacerbated by the virus. I’ll never forget that morning I woke up from a text from her, drove to her place frantically, the the ER, and then having the news delivered to me by the doctor. It was such an out of body feeling. My worst fears had came true and I realized then that from then on out the only person that’s going to look out for me is me. I was officially alone. Mentally, I had prepared myself for this day for a while because I knew it was inevitable. But it still hurt a lot. Healing from such a thing isn’t easy and is never in a perfect straight line. You’ll have days where you’re fine and days where you’re not. Sometimes you’ll be triggered by the smallest thing that takes you back to a memory and you’ll start to cry. With all this being said, I found what helped me the most ultimately was having a good support system. In my case, that was my friends.
After that and dealing with cleaning out her apartment, stopping all of her services to the apartment, and the funeral, I was in a weird space. It’s almost like something was set off in my body and spirit that told me to make the most of this year and try to form as many memories as you can. And I did.
I did a lot of traveling, spent a lot of good quality time with friends, and made some good memories. I traveled to Chicago/Boystown for the first time which I absolutely loved, went to Wisconsin, went to Mexico again for the second year in a row, experienced the Indy500 for the first time, was the man of honor (maid of honor) for one of my good friend’s weddings and gave a speech in front of 100+ people, went to New Orleans for the bachelorette party, wine tastings, Halloween parties, fun late nights in the summer riding scooters, pedal bars, Lollapalooza, picked up a new hobby of roller skating… there’s just so much. I was pushed outside of my box by myself and my friends and made so many great memories that truly filled the void that was there from grief. Of course it wasn’t complete smooth sailing but my close circle made me feel loved and appreciated. I grew closer to so many people and those relationships and memories are ones that I won’t forget. If it weren’t for them my depression probably would’ve taken away so much of me. I’m proud of myself for my resilience and willingness to be positive despite the hard time I was enduring.
2022 was in the top 2 favorite years. It was just fucking amazing. My main goal moving forward into the new year is to keep that momentum going. 💛
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2021
Typically I do my year recaps at the beginning of the year. Unfortunately, I had so many things transpire that it distracted and pushed me away from a lot of things. But better late than never.
2021 was a pretty intense year. The best way to describe it was an emotional roller coaster. One that honestly I’m still on even as I type this. A big reason for that being my mother. My mom’s health took a turn for the worst when she told me late September that her doctors gave her anywhere between 6 months to a year to live. This information broke me. Everyday it crossed my mind knowing that the main person in my life that knows me and genuinely loves me was going to be ripped away from me and there was nothing I could do. I tried to make each day count and reassure her of my appreciation. Somedays I wonder if I did it enough or if I could’ve shown it more. I found myself subconsciously coping with the situation by becoming more distant. Not significantly but I do feel as though I could’ve been there more. Especially knowing the fear and uncertainty she must’ve been feeling going through that. Unfortunately, she did pass away late January of this year (2022). Which I’ll recap in my next annual post.
Aside from that, I did begin the process of starting to get even more specialized in my field of work by going for my VTS in ECC. The process is still on going so I’ll check back in with an update next year. Still, this is something that I’ve been considering doing since 2018 so I’m proud of myself for finally pushing myself to do it.
I was able to visit some new places, namely Mexico. Myself and my best friend went there as a birthday celebration and had the time of our lives. It was just us and we lived up every day we were there. Made some great connections and formed some good memories. I know we will definitely wanna go back.
I did manage to meet a new friend that quickly became someone I consider basically a best friend at this point that we will call “B”. It’s rare for me to open up to people but his friendship has definitely been something that was good for me in many ways. We relate in a lot of unexpected ways and he has been there for me with everything going on with my mom. Especially since he lost his mother.
I would say these were the main components of my 2021. Or at least as much as I can force myself to remember seeing as how this post is 5 months late. Though half of 2022 has basically gone by I will say that for goals I really want to finish this VTS application and knock it out to hopefully sit for my test next year. I also hope that by the time my next annual post comes I’m in a better spot mentally and emotionally. I’m still on this roller coaster and I really hope I find a destination soon.
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2020
In lieu of traditions, I come back to Tumblr for my annual year recap of my life. The only reason I still use this app haha. This year was an interesting one. I think for everyone, collectively, 2020 will forever be imprinted in our minds as the “wtf” year. On a personal level, I’d say this year was an a very interesting one where I saw myself be tested in a bunch of ways I wouldn’t have expected when the year started.
Starting off the year I was in this situation where I was trying my hardest to maintain a friendship/cordial level with my 1st ex. Not that we had broken up over something extreme, I thought our connection could be repaired. And for the most part we were able to remain friends. One day a situation happened where I had decided I was done with it and had him blocked for some time. Fast forward to today we’ve been on speaking terms and have seen each other in person more than once. I would say that we’ve both moved on for the most part but him being my first relationship I’ll always care for him and his well-being on some level.
In the beginning of February I downloaded Tinder after not having it for some time. This was a little after I had decided to block my ex. One of my first matches was with this guy that ended up playing a big role in my year. We connected so well and naturally. During the initial phases and height of the pandemic scare we spent time together for multiple days on a weekly basis. I really liked him. And he liked me. It was one of the most genuine connections I had felt with a guy. Didn’t hurt that I thought he was super attractive. We just meshed really, really well. I knew I wanted to take a chance and make things official with him. And we did. Unfortunately due to his work schedule at the time as well as me coming to realize slowly that he was pulling away from me shortly after the title it put a strain on things. I found myself having anxiety and panic attacks at what I knew was an inevitable ending. Still, he would comfort me and tell me I had nothing to worry about though I knew deep down what was coming. Eventually he told me he was going to move to Florida. I remember being in such a bad state of shock and depression upon hearing this and literally felt like something good in my life was being torn from me.
Eventually he moved. I cared about this guy so much. Once again I found myself trying to maintain a friendship at the very least because even outside of the relationship title, we clicked very well as friends. We were successful at this. Initially. In the Fall my mother was diagnosed with a brain tumor. This was very scary for me and the emotions I felt I can’t even describe. I turned to my friends for support, the only source I have. I found comfort and support through my bestfriend. And very minimal to none from the guy I had dated. This hurt me a lot. If the roles were reversed I would’ve been there for him. He never asked how I was doing, how my mom was doing, or anything. I shared a lot of personal things with this man in terms of my fears and internal things I struggle with. The things I went through with my mom this year checked off almost everything in the list. And it felt like during a time I needed a close friend that really knew me he just didn’t give a fuck. And that really hurt me. I had tried reaching out multiple times but was ignored everytime. To this day he still hasn’t spoken to me. At this point I’m not hurt about it and take it as a lesson learned that anyone is capable of anything. I wish him the best but when I do think of him it’s hard for me to see the positive qualities he had, now I only see the bad.
My mom having her brain tumor really was a different kind of experience. It was very scary to think that when she has this procedure the one person I have in my life might not remember who I am or could possibly need assisted living for the rest of her life. It really hurt me because there was nothing I could do for her. After the procedure her recovery was a process. She had a feeding tube in place where I had to come every morning and help feed her through the tube. It was hard for her to speak and seeing her frustrations and feeling broken down broke me. Fast forward to now she has improved a lot. Feeding tube is out, her speech has improved drastically, and all in all she’s functioning how she used to. For that I’m very happy.
This year also marks the year that my best friend and I became roommates. After years of talking about it we finally got an apartment together. Having her here has truly been a good thing for me. This year I also decided to take my mental health a little more seriously and got myself on antidepressants. I’m proud of myself for doing this.
As far as 2021, I’m just trying to continue to grow and be mindful of my tolerance for things as well as trying to maintain my peace. We’ll see how this year goes.
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2019
Finally getting around to summing up the year as I do annually on here. I never use Tumblr anymore but I still enjoy doing these as it gives me perspective as well as serving as a yearbook of my life that I can go back on and reflect upon.
2019 was decent honestly. I’d say that I learned a lot about myself and found myself in situations that required me to really look at myself and think about things going on with me on a deeper level and things that I need to work on.
The year started out as any new year usually does; excited about the future, excited what’s going to change or happen in your life within the next 12 months. I can’t say that too much happened with me in the beginning of the year, I was mostly coasting, slowly reaching a a point to where I was really getting homesick and wanting to change jobs and come back to Indy.
The middle of the year is when things started to speed up. I got into my first relationship, I left my job and the city I was living in over the last 4 years, moved back to Indy, experienced a break up, experienced major anxiety/panic attacks and found myself hitting rock bottom a few times.
My first relationship was great honestly. It started off so well and I was so elated to have finally experienced what it feels like. The feeling of knowing that you have someone that is on your team and has your back really is an amazing feeling. The perks of consistency and the bond you gain out of it is unrivaled. I really did love the person I was with. Unfortunately it had to come to an end. Not because of anything malicious or toxic between us two as people -- but I think a some point we lost perspective and lost sight of what we had in front of us. Somewhere along the lines we lost touch of communicating and it unfolded the way it did. Fast forward to now we’ve discussed things and remain cordial to this day. The biggest issue I face is trying to move forward but at the same time wanting to give it another shot because I feel as though we could 100% bounce back. We’ve had many little talks and have hung out since and while it is confusing at times to pinpoint what exactly I’m feeling around him, I find it so hard to just walk away from it. Today, as I’m typing this I still have love for him and I really do wish him the best. Time will tell if we come together again.
Leaving my job and moving back home was inevitable. I was getting homesick, I missed my friends, my life, and just felt as though I wasn’t getting anywhere with the city I was living in. I loved my job but it was time to close that door. Towards the end of year I applied to a new job and initially I liked it -- I still do. But time will tell if I stick with it or not.
As far as personal issues go I mostly just realized (mostly while being in a relationship) that I have a lot of things and demons I need to work on within myself. I have considered and seriously thought about therapy for my depression and extreme thoughts but I don't know if I have the courage to finally face that and express the things that I bury. The last two months of the year I was feeling so down, crying a lot of the time, feeling down about myself and my life and at one point genuinely questioned if I wanted to continue living to see the new year. Fortunately, I’m still here.
My main goals for 2020 is mainly just to be a better person all around. I know that I can be an inconsistent friend and son at times. I know that sometimes I prioritize things and people in the complete wrong order. And I know that I need to work on being there more for people close to me in terms of checking in on them. I also want to surround myself more with people and become more social -- have more people that I can express what’s going on in my life to and better my mental health. I hope to travel this year, I didn’t get to at all in 2019. I may be seeing my good friend from France again at some point this year but we’ll see. 2019 was overall not bad, I’m just hoping I can take what I’ve realized about myself and push myself to being a better person this year.
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You take me to and lead me through Babylon
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2018
Two months later and I’m finally posting this lol. I’m usually not this bad with my end of the year recaps but so much has been going on that I haven’t really found the time or motivation I guess to do it. But I still believe self reflection is vital to growth so better now than never, right?
Where do I even begin with 2018 though? I would say that with this year it could be split up into three thirds: 1) The first 4 months of the year, 2) the second 4 months of the year, and 3) the last 4 months of the year.
1) Honestly, the year started off pretty good. I would say that January - April was the happiest point for me the whole year. I had an amazing New Years celebration at the Pavillion with my best friend and we had an amazing time. Following that I went to meet up with my really good long distance French friend for the second time (first time in New York) in Montreal! I was extremely extremely pissed at myself because I was dumb and didn’t arrive at the airport early enough for check in so they wouldn’t let me on board and I missed an entire day but I absolutely loved the time I was there. It was extremely cold, way colder than I expected it to be but I saw so much and got to get a good taste of semi-French culture. The bilingualism there was truly inspirational and the city itself was just beautiful. I came home energized and eager to see what came next. Around that time I met an individual that at the time I thought was maybe potentially going to introduce me to a new start. I was right. I made a terrific new friend whom I thought had potential for something maybe more serious, but most importantly I was ecstatic for making a new friend that I genuinely felt a good strong bond with. Something that I honestly never really have with the guys.
2) May - August was the peak and then the deep plummet. My best friend had her birthday up by the great Smokey mountains! She and her girlfriend rented out a cabin and it was so much fun. We had such a great time. It was a road trip with great vibes. After that I had my 25th birthday which was amazing. I was surrounded with my friends and I felt alllll the love. Genuinely, I did. I remember being so optimistic for the future around this time. At this point my good friendship I mentioned earlier was still going very great. We were never actually dating but I do know we had a mutual attraction to each other. We had messed around, cuddled, hung out like every week, ya know. Again, never dating and I can’t speak for the other person but I do believe the connection was there. Around June I went to see the Arctic Monkeys in concert in Nashville, TN with my friend which was a great experience. Being only my second concert ever I really enjoyed it! Unfortunately after this time the friendship I had started to break down for various reasons and it kind of just slowly began to fade. July I finally moved out of my old apartment into a new one that was 10x better. I had hopes of having a roommate but never got one. I guess you could say I was lucky? I was paying half the rent for a 2 bedroom apartment but living by myself haha.
3) The remaining four months were pretty blah. I would say I was mostly depressed following the loss of the good friendship I made at the start of the year. It really did hurt me and has changed my perspective on a few things. I developed some unhealthy habits and for a time lost the joy of wanting to be alive. In retrospect I do somewhat feel as though the whole downfall of the friendship was my fault and I definitely handled things not the way I should have. But when your decisions are being clouded by strong emotions it’s hard to make the right one sometimes. Hindsight is 20/20 thought, right? Part of me does wish I could go back and handle things differently but at this point, February 2019 I’ve moved on. Something that I knew I’d someday be able to do but could never get the sense of when. Maybe one day I’ll be able to rekindle that loss, but at the end of the day things happen for a reason.
I’m thankful for all of the things I do have. My mom, the friends still in my life, and the things that I am fortunate enough to have. For 2019 my main goal is to move. Either back home or relocate to another state. The rest is mostly undetermined. But I still remain hopeful in that I will only continue to prosper and grow as a human.
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