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So far no luck.
As I already mentioned in my last post, I am here trying to relieve myself from everything that sucks in my life right now.
I have this job opportunity for which I need to do a task. A task I already did, but was given some feedback and asked to update it. I have not been able to do much.
I reread the email I was sent with the feedback and every time it made me feel so lost that I immediately gave up the idea of doing it. It’s been over a week since then and today was the day I finally did something.
I wanted to make the document look good, so obviously I started working on that first and I got this great feeling of: “Wow, I can do this”. As it was time to actually add content to my design I just shut down.
I asked my friend who used to work for the same company to help me understand something. And she did. I understood what the employer meant by it, but I also felt she was really busy and that I don’t want to bug her anymore, even though I still needed help.
That’s where my anxiety kicked in, telling me I can’t do this and that if I can’t do this task on my own, I don’t deserve the job. It also made me realise I’m all about the presentation, making something look good, and not about actual quality content. This made me feel shallow, for lack of a better word, stupid and incompetent. And while I know deep down, I am not these things, I cannot help but believe them on some level.
Long story short, I stopped doing the task. I’ll try and do more another day. I asked another friend if she could help. I think she might be able to, so fingers crossed.
As for writing stuff down here. No, so far, it has not helped.
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This is me.
Okay, so, I decided to make this blog in hopes that it will let me feel a bit more liberated from the stress and day to day activities that are beating the life out of me. I don’t fancy myself a writer. I don’t think words were ever my strong suit. For this I ask you to forgive me. I hope that as time progresses I become better at it, but I’m not making any promises.
I have been feeling sadish for a long time. And no, I cannot use the word sad, because I don’t believe it is adequate. The feeling I have is just sadish. Not miserable, not sad, not good, nor okay. Just sadish.
Sometimes I just need to cry. Not for any particular reason. Just because. I just get the urge and sometimes the fact that I’m not sad enough gets in the way. Sometimes I don’t have enough sadness in me to let the tears out. And it’s absolutely horrible.
I’ve always been one to love a good cry. My definition of a good movie is the one that brought me to tears. There is nothing in the world more freeing than letting out all of those emotions that have built up in you during the past days or weeks.
Lately, I have not been feeling okay. I wake up, have coffee, walk my dog, maybe even exercise a bit, I study for the exams that are coming up and I don’t do much else. This is basically my day. And yet somehow it passes like it’s three hours long.
I don’t do things for fun. I used to love doing a lot of things. I used to play the guitar, used to read more, I used to draw, learn about design and a lot of other awesome things. But these days I don’t do any of it. None of it seems fun to me. People would probably say, based on the fact that I study and exercise regularly, that I’m a highly motivated person. But they are wrong. I have never been less motivated in my life.
I am not motivated, I am disciplined. I study because I have to, because I want to graduate, and the only reason why I want this, is to not have school hanging over my head. I don’t want to actually use my degree afterwards. I used to, but not anymore.
I don’t look forward to anything anymore. I just exist. Doing the things that need to be done, making myself socialize, even though I don’t feel up to it. This is my life right now. It’s full of great things like great friends, an awesome boyfriend, a family that loves me (granted, I’m worried how they’ll feel once I come out to them). I have a lot of things going my way. And yet I rarely find joy in any of them. I guess this is just my life right now. I guess this is just me right now.
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