wilnebula

[wilnebula]

is it frowned upon to wish that one could dissociate or have an alter take over in moments that are awful and stressful? genuine question

Hmmm, this blog is really more intended on reviewing and sharing media about complex dissociative disorders, or could easily be related to CDDs. Certainly not an advice blog for this or anything else > < I think any more general questions about DID can be forwarded to @sundropglass (main blog) if at all, just to stay on topic here.

But since you asked, I may as well share my perspective a little bit. I urge you to read it all.

Of course it's something anyone would want. Shut off and let the stress be taken care of for someone else? go off to fairyland a bit? It's actually an extremely sophisticated way of functioning in the midst of trauma; tuck it away, get through the thing that you might otherwise feel like you're dying from.

But where does that stress go?

Say that you had a very stressful day. Maybe one thing after another kept going wrong. And all day, there was absolutely nothing you could do because you had to carry on with a smile on your face and act like everything's fine, while more dismays pile on top of you. Maybe on top of that, you end up having an argument with a loved one and now you have social anxiety and no sense of safety or relief.

This is not out of the norm. People live very stressful lives all the time. It builds up though, all that stress is piled into your immune system if you don't have any release.(Expressing emotions in a healthy manner) It comes out in the ways that maybe you get ill, or spend all day in the bathroom, or get a migraine. This is what we call the body keeping the score (a book I should read tbh). What the mind doesnt handle(dissociates from), the body will.

This is what people with CDDs regularly go through. Trauma = stress that's beyond your range of coping. Chronic trauma means chronic stress, just stored away in pockets upon pockets where its never dealt with until much later in life. This is why I don't think I know a single system who doesn't have some sort of chronic health issues. The initial trauma may not have killed them, but maybe the health issues that come from all this chronic stress might just finish the job.

This isn't even addressing what the disorder implies mentally.

Look up the symptoms of PTSD, look into personality disorders, attachment disorders, anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation. Any trauma-based symptoms could come with a CDD, because there's nearly nothing special at all about DID or OSDD. They're not sectioned off 'incredible' disorders as much as media or people on the internet will imply. We are normal people who have been hurt. A lot.

We have this disorder because no one came to save us, so we had to turn to ourselves, sometimes at an extremely young age. There's no measuring the amount of hurt it takes for a young child to feel this alone.

Going off this ask alone, but because you wish you could dissociate to such the intensity as you're suggesting, tells me that you haven't actually. Daydreaming or spacing out is a very minor case of dissociation, but the level at which you're having alters would imply that you're hoping to dissociate much further than you actually think you want. Do you not want to recognize your own spouse, or be completely unable to be present in the best moments of your life? This doesn't shut off when you're happy again.

Say fine fine fine, yes yes yes to all of this, you could deal, because at least you'd be another person who would bear the responsibility for you.

I hate to tell you this, but that's not how alters work. They are, at the end of the day, still part of you. They don't magically whisk away all this stress they face, they'd still hold onto it, be strongly effected by it, and you're a lot more likely to have the same stress come back over and over again and go unprocessed because of the fragmentation involved.

If it's to ease off some of the responsibility of being yourself, then.. Well that's not what happens with DID either. Those of us with a CDD tend to feel overly responsible for everything around us, actually. It's not the escape you're hoping for.

In a short answer: Yes it is very believable to want this disorder, to want alters. That's understandable even!

But I'm also going to say this is frowned upon. There is a LOT more to these disorders than some spacing out and some cool characters. I hope you can understand a little more why this mentality is frowned upon; no one who has it actually wants it when it comes down to it

BUT i HAVE GOOD NEWS FOR YOU ANON!! Please listen

It's okay to want to be someone else to get through the stress. It's even okay to turn off your brain and space out. These are natural human things. Just.. They don't have to be a disorder. There are some recommendations for coping that aren't hoping to have a CDD, but might suit you if you struggle with this:

Try to analyze your life and see what it is that's causing you so much stress that it makes you want to not exist in such a way. If you're in a bad environment that you can't change, there are still little things you can do to make it better for yourself

Are there things you CAN change? Maybe you can look into getting professional help or finding a new job, or even so much as regularly tidying up the space you're in

Look up coping mechinisms and grounding techniques

Take breaks and let yourself really unwind. Read a book or go outside and look at clouds or something until you feel calm. I promise this feels way better than dissociation

Fun Coping Tools That Feel Like What You Want Out Of Dee Eye Dee:

create a story in your head. If you come up with a world all your own to explore, it feels like having an inner world

Create original characters you can "be". By this I mean be imaginative like when we were all kids. >>Here's a really cool version of what adults can do if 'playing pretend' seems too childish for you<<

Have some staring out a window time. Just let your mind go for a bit

None of this has to be disordered to be helpful, and have nearly the same effect that you're hoping for.

If you are at a point where you want to not exist for suicidal reasons, I really urge you to get some help. There's always someone who wants you to be around, even if thats some time in the future.

#I never use this blog anymore but i want to talk about this #I think the part that is hard also about having a dd is like. There's so much confusion and loss? Like if you're not the one going through #The hard parts that doesn't mean they aren't happening or that like. You know they're happening you're just not experiencing them #It means you're in a situation and it's bad and it's really really bad and you don't know why. Maybe you don't even know it's bad. #Everytime I'm in a shit place it takes me years to realize it and be able to make the necessary choices and moves to get out of it #We're in that place for longer than we would need to be simply because we don't know all the everything. #We're struggling and struggling and the other part of you can't even be aware how hard it is on you and you can't take care of each other #I think part of what makes did look desirable is that all representations online are people who are healing. And healing is desirable #It's desirable to have someone who it didn't happen to take care of the person who it did. Be compassionate and understanding #But when you're not healing when you're unwell. It is just you doing all the shit that abusers keeping you in bad situations do #You doubt what you're going through you doubt your pain you don't believe what is happening. You don't think that person you love could #Do that be that to you or anyone else. You see yourself lashing out at someone but you don't see why and you punish yourself #You go back to people who have hurt you because you don't listen to what you're saying you violate your own consent #It is desirable to heal and be kind. It is desirable to have someone who decides to protect you #It's not desirable to repeat everything over and over and not even know about it #Idk if I'm saying this well #But yeahhh. I think probably even people with did can get envy for other people with did who are further along in healing but that's not #It's not about that. It's not that all this is in and of itself desirable that being split up and separate is desirable. #Building good relationships between your selves is desirable. But you can also do that when you're not septarate #You still have different selves who need to be in conversation and develop compassion for each other #I assume. I really shouldn't speak for the singlet experience when I know nothing about it

[wilnebula]

does anyone else have like. fluctuating communication with their system. like sometimes i can talk to them just fine and others i gotta fight for my fuckin life to see what they think of a tattoo idea

#putting this on this dead blog because i guess i really want to talk about it #but I think communication also just straight up works differently for all of us. like. I joke that no one fucking talks to me and i don't #want them to and that's TRUE but that doesn't mean I have the worst COMMUNICATION it's just not verbal? like #i have REALLY REALLY GOOD memory access for the standards of our system. like. i vaguely know about pretty much everything that happened in #our childhood while most of us either know nothing or only one thing maybe. it's not.... i wouldn't call it a memory as much as. I'm aware #that it happened as if someone told me. but no one talks to me i just Know? if that makes any sense. #i also have learned to more? feel them? like i used to not be able to do that but now i can. where I can tell someone inside is triggered #even though I'm fine and I can identify the trigger and deal with it. this is new but it's really nice and I'd call it communication #I'd never be able to get opinions on tattoo ideas tho #but they'll let me know if I'm doing something with the body they don't want #lol #idek we're dealing we're fine #this is nice this is a good level of communication for me #fucking despise when ppl talk to me #or i experience having an actual memory #that shit sucks keep that to yourselves loves<3

[wilnebula]

For some reason the article isn't linking normally but this is amazing! I do not like that the author does not mention Hirschfeld being Jewish early enough in the article, but it's awesome this has been restored!

#promoted #controversial #sex #his views on #girl the film is about gay suicide #Magnus Hirschfeld is in the movie btw!!!! #also??? the restauration isn't new???? what??? were parts lost???

[wilnebula]

dear assholes i share a body with,

we have places for things. we have glasses cases. where the fuck are /my/ glasses?

#hhhghhg

[wilnebula]

Ken Price (American, 1935-2012), The Island, 2004. Acrylic and ink on paper, 8.5 x 6 in.

[wilnebula]

How is this an anxiety symptom like wtf else are u supposed to say? Like are u supposed to make it a drama? They said no u say ok! I mean we all get a little sad stab but like that's not the other person's problem. Idek.

Instagram

#like not trying to invalidate anyone's anxiety i too have anxiety but like #seriously not everything is somehow pathological #'now everyone I've used these on knows' knows what? that ur a normal person? who can take no for an answer #boo literally chill saying ok is not disordered

[wilnebula]

oh you’re neurodivergent? what non-human being did you pretend to be / believe yourself to be in order to cope with the disconnect you felt from your peers during your early childhood?

#vampire actually #i really liked being upside down

[wilnebula]

“Just because we’re not talking, doesn’t mean I don’t miss you.”

#ughhhhh

[wilnebula]

In these moments i really miss kylo. As much as this relationship was not healthy like damn idk how to cope now.

#hbnnbb how do I.. make myself ok #i am stupid #i do not know what to do

[wilnebula]

“I sat with my anger long enough until she told me her real name was grief.”

— C.S. Lewis

#ohh fuck off

[wilnebula]

Tfw when u want/need something and you can't figure out what it is and then ur body just straight up starts to panic???

#like bitch we're fine #idk what u want from me I'm chilling

[wilnebula]

You said in that post about did and osdd systems that all alters are fragments of the same person and it isn't good to completely separate the alters from each other. What does that mean for systems that have very different alters? Different ages and interests, personalities. And what's your opinion on integrating? Do you think a system can't completely heal until integration, and what about systems that don't want to integrate? Feel free to ignore if the question makes you uncomfortable!

No worries, this doesn't make me uncomfortable. I think it's good to start with clarifying what "dissociated parts of self" are. (But please keep in mind I'm not a professional at all. I'm only talking about what I learned from therapy and my own research.)

According to the theory of structural dissociation, we aren't born with an integrated personality but with different ego states that naturally integrate before the age of 6-9. When repeated trauma happens to a child before that age, it can potentially interrupt this process and instead of developing one coherent, cohesive sense of self, the child develops parts of self that are dissociated from each other.

Basically that means everybody has different parts of self (the work 'you', the 'you' you are when you're with friends, the 'you' you are around family etc.). The difference is that in DID / OSDD these parts are seperate from each other, are shaped by severe, prolonged trauma and don't work together cohesively.

Although alters are all dissociated parts of the same person, for many people with DID it feels like they are completely seperate people. I hope my post didn't make people feel shamed for feeling this way - it's a symptom of having DID! Believing our alters are different people protects us from the scary truth that our trauma happened to us and that all the difficult, overwhelming emotions and other effects of the trauma are ours as well. I used to feel this way too and got very offended, sad and angry whenever my therapist told me my alters aren't seperate people, but parts of me.

However, it is very important that we eventually accept that this is what all of us are - dissociated parts of the same person who feel very seperate from each other -, so that we can take ownership of our experiences and integrate them (the experiences) which is ultimately how you heal trauma. It is hard to accept this, I know that, but it has brought me so much healing and I strongly feel like this was a very necessary step to take. Accepting that your alters and you are all parts of the same person doesn't mean you disrespect them or "want them gone". Even the most fragmented, tiny part of you deserves to be treated kindly and with the utmost respect and be given everything they need in order to heal! It also doesn't mean denying our differences. We have to acknowledge our different needs and meet them. All of our parts deserve to be heard and helped.

I am also a person with very different alters. A lot of my parts have their own gender, name, age and interests etc.. This can make it harder to accept we are all parts of the same whole because they distinctly feel 'not me', but in the end it doesn't make much of a difference. Like I said, the fact that we are all dissociated parts doesn't mean our differences don't exist. We are different and we are parts of the same person. What is even more important than our differences, though, are our commonalities. By bringing our parts closer together, we become more functional and capable of handling our adult life.

When it comes to integration, I firstly want to clarify that many people misunderstand what it is. Integration doesn't solely mean 'fusing' parts. You can integrate emotions, experiences, memories, skills that only one of your parts possesses. A certain amount of integration is probably necessary for healing as we have to process what we couldn't process as a child, but all of your parts learning how to communicate and cooperate absolutely is a road you can take as well! Your healing is your healing. Your goals are going to be unique.

My personal goal is to bring my parts as closely together as I can so that we can all experience the present moment, feel safe and have access to most of our skills, memories, knowledge and emotions. As someone who has experienced one integration before, it really really isn't "getting rid" of your parts. Everything this part was will still be there, it just won't be dissociated from you anymore. The integration I have experienced made me feel closer to this part than I ever did before the integration. This may sound cheesy, but all of my parts feel like we carry her right in our heart now. It's a very warm and loving feeling.

Anyway, that got long. Thank you for your ask, I liked answering your questions and hope this cleared things up!

Take care 💕

[wilnebula]

[wilnebula]

Yoo wth

"You are not a helper in a stranger's body"

I'm yelling about this??? I'm literally a protector in the system let me live???

WHAT DO YOU NEED?🐚

#this is. rude #what a call out #wil take care of me the quiz said i too deserve dignity #I'm literally a helper in a stranger's body tho

[wilnebula]

maybe if i repress my trauma hard enough it'll become a diamond

[wilnebula]

The context of mutual aid is rooted in autonomist, abolitionist, and anti authoritarian praxis.

To me, it has always gone hand-in-hand with finding ways to support each other however we're able to, everyday.In the process, we make it more possible to agitate and dismantle, to move towards autonomy and collectivity, and ultimately build towards bigger shifts: the abolition of work and borders, land rematriation, and so on.

Mutual aid is not a last-resort response to crisis, a stopgap until more resources are available, or an act of philanthropy.

An anarchist and abolitionist practice of mutual aid means a disentanglement and divestment from institutionality, individuality, and coloniality.

When I see nonprofits and other top down organizations referring to "mutual aid" it immediately feels disingenuous to me - especially if it preserves the status quo rather than disrupting it, if it's done in the interest of building social capital for a singular entity, or if it seeks to maintain the credibility of the state.

Mutual aid is NOT and never was a form of charity

It's not just material support and fundraising - though it can include that.

It's not limited to the transfer or redistribution of wealth-although that also needs to happen.

(Underlined) Mutual aid is a guiding principle for practicing reciprocal & collective care. (End of underlined)

Mutual aid can also look like:

A daily practice within autonomous communities that aren't recognized or supported by dominant institutions.

An age-old means of defying authority, of weaving tight-knit and communal subsistence & resistance, of choosing what's right over what's defined by the status quo as "legal".

(Underlined) The outright dismissal of mutual aid as "not enough"is a result of its co-optation and depoliticization. (End of underlined)

Mutual aid, like disability justice, is about reconfiguring our relationship to CARE - and our relationship to WORK.

Mutual aid is an intentional consideration of each others' capacity and needs.

Mutual aid asks: will you fight for my existence in this world with the same commitment and dedication that I hold for you?

Don’t Depoliticize Mutual Aid - from thecomradecloset

#Transcribed #all credit creepily goes to Google lense.. #i hope the i did the paragraph code thing right and the ps don't show up #lol #don't know how to @in this mode but idk I'm directly reblogging from u i think.

[wilnebula]

a comic about trauma