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willemdafazbear · 2 years

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normally this is something I should post on reddit but I don't actually want people to see this I just want to rant. so basically my friend group (in school) consists of 3 people (I'll call them: O [female], G [male], and L [female]) plus me (white female). We all have pretty much the same classes and I've known all of them since at least middle school. Out of those 3, two of them are biracial (half black half white), and O is white. One day, either G thought it would be really funny to start telling people I said the n-word. Honestly, it was pretty funny for about a week of him telling our close friends that because they obviously knew it was a joke. L caught on and began telling people about it too. soon, they began telling not just our close friends, but classmates I haven't known for that long and random people they were friends with that I wasn't. I've never said the n word and I never will (not like that's some big accomplishment, its basic human decency). soon, the joke went much further than just "she said the n word." it became a whole joke between not just L and G, but also O that I am racist. like I said before, the joke was pretty funny at first. it escalated quickly, from them telling that to students in our classes that I have never met and haven't gotten a chance to make a first impression on yet, to telling teachers. L and G write the n word and other racial slurs for black people all over my papers and chemistry notes and act like I wrote them. sometimes when we do group projects, they sign my name as "[my name] the Racist." I've been cool with all of this for a while because obviously, L and G are black and they can say whatever slurs for black people they want. they have a right to reclaim that. it got out of hand once they wrote a poem about me though. it was called "[my name] Is Racist." basically the whole poem was about how much I supposedly hate black people. once again, had no issue with it! I didn't like it once they read it to our English teacher though. or when they told our yearbook teacher that im racist or played games of hangman on the whiteboard in front of the class where the answer was "[my name] IS RACIST." or when they told our chemistry teacher that im racist. or when they told our statistics teacher (who is the principal's wife) that im racist. and she did NOT find it funny at all. another thing they do is draw swatiskas on my paper. none of them are jewish. I've told them multiple times that that is NOT OKAY and they need to stop but they just keep doing it. they also tell people that I love hitler and that I hate jewish people. They think its hilarious and now everyone in my classes has heard the joke at some point. racist is basically my last name at this point. I don't know how to ask them to stop because its genuinely affecting my relationships with people and school. this has been going on for about 2 1/2 months now so I can't even imagine what will happen if it goes on through the whole year. tomorrow I am going to tell my statistics teacher in private that im not racist and im sorry for what they said, because that statistics class is a college credit that we take at the local community college and I don't want that to potentially ruin my chances od graduating with an associates degree.

I want to talk to my friends about it but I feel like they won't take it well because im supposed to be the friend that gets picked on all the time. you know how every friend group has the one they bully? im that friend and its okay honestly. another fun saying they came up with is "everything is [my name]'s fault" or "blame everything on [my name]." which hurts my feelings a little bit but whatever! its okay ill deal with it. it just makes me sad to see how nice they treat other people and how mean they can be to me. obviously they make fun of other people too but I've known these guys for so long and I would consider them to be the people I can trust more than anyone in this world except for my best friend (J, female). she doesn't do the same program we do so I only get to see her once a day. I tell her about all of this and she agrees that its gotten out of hand and its impacting my life in a negative way. I love her so much and she makes fun of me a little too, but mostly just about how she thinks the people I have crushes on are ugly or that she doesnt like some of my music. but she would never, EVER say things about me like this. J has a disability (she's deaf but I don't want to get into that), and she's made a joke calling me an ableist once or twice, and it was funny, but she would never tell random people or teachers/professors that I was ableist because she knows that could truly impact my life. I feel like im rambling. let me get back to the story sorry lol

anyways, I want to add one more thing. O doesnt know this, but im queer. G and L know. I haven't told O yet not because I think she's homophobic, but because she's not very good at keeping secrets and im afraid she might spill the beans. I am NOT publicly out. very few people that are in my life even know this about me (im sure everyone can probably tell lmao but I've never confirmed it). G and L are both straight. like very. they're very supporting of gay rights, which is why I felt like I could share this part of my life with them (I told them about a year ago or so). however, they went from last year being super supportive and encouraging me to go for girls I liked, to this year making a bunch of homophobic jokes about me. in front of others. they make jokes about how im going to hell, or that god hates me, or that I need to "repent" and "cleanse" myself from my "sins." I didn't care at first that much, it hurt a little but I knew it was all in good fun. but then they started making jokes about it around others and pretty much outing me, and I have to laugh it off and tell people theyre just kidding. but it hurts so bad that I want to cry because I hate lying to people and I'm a bad liar so im pretty sure they can tell that im queer. im afraid people will think im a lesbian which there isn't anything wrong with that at all, its just that im NOT a lesbian and im afraid no boy will ever approach me bc he will think im uninterested. which isn't true, I like men and women. theyre hurting my chances of ever getting a boyfriend and theyre risking me losing relationships with people or worse, getting hurt. which I don't think would happen at my school but I've heard how some people talk about the LGBT+ students in our grade and it scares me for what they might say about me. they also make jokes about my mom verbally abusing me or sending me to conversion camp or saying my mom hates me. I had a very difficult experience with my mom in middle school where I was outed and things haven't been the same since. my mom hates gay people, specifically gay women. she constantly belittles them and it makes me feel like shit. I told them this in confidentiality and I was hoping they would understand and let me confide in them bc ya know. we're friends. last year they were so understanding and let me talk about it but this year they've turned it all into one big joke and it makes me feel so awful like I genuinely feel so ill when they talk about it because getting outed was the worst experience of my life. I hate when they make jokes about me being a sinner or my mom because I love God so much and I want to be a good Christian but its a lot harder when you're LGBT+. I have a very tough time with religion and they make is so much harder on me even though I know theyre joking. but it reminds me how my mom actually would feel about me if she knew that me being queer wasn't just a phase and that I never "grew out of it" and that im still queer.

one more thing. this is kinda irrelevant but it still hurts my feelings. L and O tell everyone I have a UTI. which isn't even true! I've never had one ever but last year L came up with that joke. but it was just a joke between me and her. but this year she told O about the joke and now they tell everyone. they've actually stopped doing that for about two weeks now which im super happy about! but they told the guy I really liked and im not sure if he knew they were joking. I really liked him and I feel like that turned him away from me idk. they would tell strangers that I had a UTI too like they would tell random kids in our class whose names we didn't even know that I had a UTI and it hurt my feelings a lot. I feel like people think im dirty idk. I know a UTI doesnt mean youre dirty but I feel like many people believe in that.

basically what im trying to get at is, am the the asshole for wanting them to chill out? or should I just let them be? because I know its all in good fun and theyre just joking, but it hurts my feelings. should I ask them to stop, or should I just grow a backbone and joke along (im very sensitive so maybe im just making a big deal out of friendly behaviors. they don't know im very sensitive though because I make sure to not cry in front of people or let them know the jokes upset me.) if anyone actually takes any time to read all this and respond that would be dope! have a lovely day :D

love, willemdafazbear

(ps I didn't proofread this I just typed as I went along so sorry for any grammatical or spelling mistakes)

#am i the asshole #reddit aita #questions #problem #professor #friend problems #pls help

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