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Entry #2:

thanks but, no thanks.

One thing I don't understand is why some people think they have more knowledge about my personal experiences as a black woman than I do. I was minding my own business as a cashier when a man that I frequently see in the store came up to me asking for a pen. Obviously, in my polite professional cashier manner, I hand him the pen nearest to me. I assumed that he might have needed to write a check or a note to himself, something innocent and practical like that. He handed me a small box and thanked me for something in an annoyingly quiet voice that I could never understand, but another customer needed help so I didn't get to ask him what it was. When I finished helping the other customer the man was gone and I was left with an ominous box handed to me by a man I'd never spoken to. I opened the box and I found folded up money along with a short handwritten message.

On the note, he had written his name, and number, and written with the pen I had just lent him in small cursive writing was; “I love you already”. I was so confused. Did I give off the vibe that I would be the type of girl who takes money from strange men who are already in love with me without even asking my name? I asked some of my coworkers if it was normal to secretly receive money from customers. We aren't supposed to receive tips but one guy mentioned that it happens all the time to some of the men who work there, but my experience is different. I am a woman. A young woman who needs money. I neeed money, and I was offered money by a man who wants me to contact him. It wasn't a good feeling.

I spoke to one of my male coworkers telling him that I was giving the money and the note back as soon as I crossed the man’s path at work again, but he didn't understand. He said that I wasn't using my head and that I should just take the money, but I know better. I believe that if you take money from a man, they expect something back. I felt like the man was bribing me to call him and to love him back. I know that he can't actually "love me already" but it just sounded so weird. It just got me thinking how unfair the whole thing was. Sure a man can take money that's given to him freely all the time, but not me. The guys at work don’t understand. How can I be told that i'm creating a problem by giving it back and that I'm being stupid when they have no idea what it's like? I can’t take that money. I know what it's like to have men want things from me. You can feel it. The pressure, the pull, and I don't want that. Thanks but, no thanks.

Love,

-a boring, single, black girl

#single girl problems #dark acadamia aesthetic #college struggles #college blog #black girl blogger #awkward black girl #young dumb and broke #sorry for the rant #rant blog #cashier #20 something #what is even going on

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Entry #1:

thank you? (i think)

Can anyone tell me what's going on with straight college boys? No really, what is going on in their heads? They pretend like they know what they want in a girl, and tell you what they seemingly want, but in reality, I'm not sure they know at all. I think I've got it figured out though. If you ask me (which nobody did) they want sex, they want freedom, and they want a girl to be at their back and call whenever they're bored. I'm 20 something now and a Junior at University and I'm just beginning to understand why I hear so many women say they’re done with men. Though if I'm being completely honest, I haven't really dealt with "men". I've only dealt with boys; selfish, immature, unreliable, and frankly quite disgusting boys. And the crazy thing is, I'm still attracted to them, it's the worst! I tell myself not to get close and that I'm better off alone, which is true, but I still get caught in the trap.

Of course, I want love, sex, marriage, and romance, but I've been alone my whole life and it just feels safer in my quiet little bubble. Why further complicate my life with an immature college boy when my solitude is so easy to reside in?

Most girls in college have dated throughout high school and university. They’ve had hookups or at least slept with one significant other but me, haha! Nope! I'm as virgin as they come. Some girls might feel ashamed or embarrassed but honestly, I'm okay with it. I don't see it as anything to be ashamed of because…girl all you have to do is look at the options of men who could potentially “deflower” me at this point in my life, and you would understand why keeping my body to myself feels like the best decision.

I work as a part-time cashier to pay for this apartment and rent is unfortunately due in a few hours as I write this. Not to mention I work in possibly the most common place in any town or city; the grocery store. As you can imagine, the job isn't glamorous in the slightest. Customers are rude, the managers only see employees as a number, and you meet some pretty interesting characters. Old ladies who look down on the “poor black girl” having no choice but to check out their groceries is one thing, but the creepy men who check me out are the worst of it. I won't lie, at times when some unfulfilled man decides to share his opinion on my looks, I do enjoy the small bit of entertainment to distract me from the dreadfully dull workday ahead. But their comments make me think; how am I supposed to respond to some of the strange things these men feel so entitled to say to me?

Just the other day, a college guy about my age, early 20s, came up to me after I helped his friend at the register. He stared at me but my first thought was that he was just giving me a friendly look or maybe he thought I was pretty. But nothing could have prepared me for what he was about to say. He looked at me with a very perplexed look in his eyes and hastily approached where I stood only to tell me one thing. He stared at me just a bit longer before he said “you look just like a black version of my ex!”. He then proceeded to explain how I was confusing him because I looked like her but I was black and my cheekbones were just a biiit higher. I had no idea what to say so I responded with the first thing that came out of my mouth; a quiet and reluctant “thank you?”.

Now I’ve had other men tell me that I was gorgeous or pretty, one guy I work with even told me I was a black queen (who I’ll explain more about in another blog post), but A black version of someone's ex is one thing I never thought I'd be called. I mean sure, those are words you can keep in your head all you want, maybe even tell your friends while they help you process how you're obviously not over your ex-girlfriend. But why on God's dear earth did you think that was something that needed to be shared with me? All I'm saying is college boys are weird, men are weird, and I have no idea what's going on. But neither do they, or any of us, but at least I got a good laugh out of it.

Love,

-a boring, single, black girl

#single girl problems #what is even going on #black girl problems #young dumb and broke #lifestyle blog #awkward black girl #black girl blogger #college blog #college struggles #20 something #why do men #why do men?

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