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Bad Memory #7

Recently I watched a video of a girl describing the things her abusive ex would do to her. One thing we shared in common was constant touch. My ex would always have to be in contact with me in some shape, way, or form. Perhaps it was the gentle arm brush, the nice arm link, or perhaps it was something I was less comfortable with like the public kissing, the hand holding. And I know being uncomfortable with light-hearted hand holding is silly; but by the time I realized I didn’t like his touch anymore, I had mentally rejected him altogether. For months I had been mulling over and dreading any physical contact because of some specific situations he put me in. My subconscious knew he was rotten, but I did not. So grasping for any excuse to not hold his hand or even swing my arm around his shoulders, he would catch me and flip it on its head. Using manipulation, he’d guilt me into pleasing him. I was afraid of the outcomes to be had if I were to say no- sometimes I did say no and he would act out in self destructive ways. And I was afraid of rationalizing/vocalizing my tainted thoughts of him. Most likely knowing how I truly felt as he used it to guilt me often, I was used as a comfort object again and again. Most hand holding makes me uncomfortable now. I try to reset by becoming physically close with my friends (mostly through hugs and light cuddling, nothing romantic) and I hope it works. I wish I wasn’t afraid of sex anymore.

#bad memory #bad memory 7 #touch

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Bad Memory #6

I will find the time to elaborate on this more, but I noticed that my ex used to love-bomb me. Love bombing is the act of overwhelming a significant other with excessive adoration. It's usually surprising public displays of affection, cute love notes, flowers delivered to you, and increasingly frequent texts designed to force you to spend more time with them instead of somewhere else. One example of this love-bombing was a playlist he made me. At first,  it was sweet and generous; a musical collection that reminded him of me. Soon it escalated into a chore. He wanted me to listen to every 256 songs he’d added (not an exaggeration, there were 256 songs). If I failed to complete this task, he’d make me feel less of a lover and more of an enemy. Hating to be treated this way, I would listen to the playlist more and more often, usually discovering that most of the songs were bad! I found that not only did most of our views differ, but we didn’t even have the same taste in music. Of course, we’d always listen to his favorites anyways, leaving me overwhelmed and unsatisfied with the way he treated me (either too good or too bad).

#bad memory #bad memory 6 #love bombing #manipulation

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Bad Memory #5

I had a nightmare last night that has opened my eyes to the reality of my past sexual experiences with my now ex-boyfriend. In the nightmare, we were both getting hot and heavy on his bed. At first, I felt loved and as if I were with a different person altogether; unfortunately, that was not so. As the dream progressed on, I was non-verbally ordered to engage in sexual acts. This could definitely represent how I made the conscious decision to have sex, but not want to do so at the same time. Next thing I know, dream me was performing sexual acts on him. Immediately, I felt disgusted, scared, and vulnerable: identical to my actual emotions when committing this act. For a long time I blamed my disgust on internalized body shame, regarding his own body; however, my disgust is really a result of not being attracted (physically or emotionally) to my partner. How could I be in love with a man who didn’t truly love me back? Who used me and abused me? The fear is, beyond a doubt, replicating the fear I felt with him. Every word or action was to be lengthily thought out as to not upset him in any way. I recall one time where I denied to play along with his kinks and he acted out by self-harming. Ultimately, anything I said or did was held against me. The vulnerability I felt in the dream explores my values about sex. I always thought sex would be something to come along later while with a nurturing companion, a monumental ordeal. To him, sex was entertainment. I allowed myself to think the same. I convinced myself that giving him oral, wasn’t real sex because I wasn’t touched. I always felt rotten after any such experience and today I understand that it is due to my own thoughts and how I allowed myself to ignore them as to please another. 

#bad memory #bad memory 5 #nsfw #coercion #I'm not sure if I am blaming too much on him or not #he did do some very terrible things #but it's just human error #perhaps I'm being too harsh #idk though #his faults heavily outweigh my own

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Bad Memory #4

Eating disorders have always been a struggle for my ex. His low self-esteem mixed with constant gas-lighting often resulted in the inability to bring up his disorders and potentially work through them. Anytime we ate anything, anywhere, it was an ordeal.

In one occasion, we were going to eat at the food court in the mall. Imagine this: a young couple composed of one socially anxious, self-loathing teen and a naive, petite girl are deciding on a meal. The anxiety ridden boy (aka my ex) wished to eat at a sub place. Unfortunately, I- the small, dumb one- wished otherwise as subs are not my forte. Of course I, being the peoplepleaser I am, agreed to the sub shop. By way of his manipulation, I found myself ordering two separate chicken subs (keep in mind I always paid for anything we did AND did not like chicken subs). Once seated, we ate our food, except I didn’t finish completely. With just one minuscule bite of sub left, I stood and made my way to the nearest trash bin. Instantaneously, he sprung into action. Telling me of my wastefulness and his own shame concerning his body, I rushed back to the table to console him. He went off about how I paid for the food so I absolutely had to eat it. Bewildered and confused, I offered him the last bite. His tangent then morphed into one about how everyone in the food court will think he’s a fat pig if he were to eat anymore. People began staring while my brain raced, desperately searching for the answer to this situation. There was only one: eat the sub myself. I felt nauseous just at the thought. How could I, a very stuffed, tiny person, attempt to eat even one last bite? His manipulation and anger was disguised as tears and self consciousness, so as always I caved.I was angry and upset, but I ate the damn sub and I truly believe it was one of many red flags I chose to ignore.

#bad memory #bad memory 4 #eating disorder #abusive relationship #manipulation #I was super upset afterwards and I think I really should have reevaluated my choice to stay

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Bad Memory #3

This is a whole thing that I don't want to get into right now, but my ex was super into bdsm. He introduced it into the relationship and I thought he was wanting to be the "daddy" and I the "little". It felt pretty strange and just morally wrong to sexualize children that way. Now I realize that I was just looking for a vanilla relationship and got caught up trying to understand his sexual desires. Eventually, he broke down and admitted he wanted to be the "little" and I had to be the "mommy". This lasted a very long while and he tried very very hard to make it a lifestyle, a decision I was super uncomfortable with. In the end I was guilted into many many sexual experiences and my relationship with sex/kinks of any type will probably never have a healthy outlook.

#bad memory #ddlg #mdlb (i think that's what it was called) #he even guilted a friend into being a mommy figure for him #freaking weird #bad memory 3

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Old Convos #1

I know it's not healthy, but I can't bring myself to delete a lot of the old conversations I had with my ex.

Here's a summary of what I found for December 1st, 2017

The convo starts with him asking for forgiveness and wanting (for once) to help me with the troubles I had expressed. He asked me to review the details of the day and point out what made me feel crappy.

I started with our lunch hour in which he learned he had insufficient funds in his lunch account. In a rage he banged his fists against tables and practically ran away with me following. Never afraid to make a scene, he hit a few more things and said that it was a sign from God to starve himself.

Next, I talked about his actions in our Language Arts class in which I had accidentally misinformed him of a due date. I was especially upset by this because I rarely make mistakes like that, but he had done it all the time and I was never upset! Knowing it was wrong to stay angry at me, he tried to take his feelings out on the teacher instead. So, he wrote a hateful letter to her that I had to repeatedly convince him to not give to her. In fact, after I read it I wouldn't give it back because I knew he'd find a way to give it to her. After being let out of that class, he was very tense and I tried to soothe him. He refused all help from me while accusing me of never helping. When I told him how that made me feel he said I just needed to remind him not to do that.

In the next class we had together we were split into groups. I really wanted to be with my friends but as usual, he snuck into the group and made me focus all attention on him. As the class let out, we began walking to my next class (which we had done everyday despite my protests). That day, however, he wanted me to walk him all the way to his class instead of him walking me halfway to my class. I refused because my class was all the way across campus and I'm late everyday anyways. This flipped an internal switch in him. Hearing the word "no" made him freaking scary and he ended up walking me (marching or stomping really) ALL THE WAY to my classroom. He was demonstrating the lengths he'd go for me and shamed me for not doing the same for him.

When we met up again after school he gave me a note of questions such as "How do I know if you're really okay or if you're lying to me?". I was so done at that point that I refused to answer it (he'd constantly ask me these guiltful questions that I'd answer honestly, but he chose not to hear me). Eventually he wore me down and the solution we reached was to create a code word that meant "I'm seriously okay" as in "I'm not shitting you, when I say I'm okay I mean it". The word was falaflay and I never used it because even if I'm not okay, his reaction to me being not okay would be 10x worse.

Then I told him about what he did in Annie rehearsal. His character was different from mine: he was a drunken, homeless drifter and I was a polite, quiet servant (sounds familiar, doesn't it?). He was supposed to learn choreography for a scene that day but was too mentally weak to do so. He dragged me away from my good friends to a hidden area where he and I cried together to get out pent up emotions. I finally got away and was able to chill with my pals for 0.2 seconds before he had another break down I needed to console.

Once I had told him all the upsetting event of the day, he apologized but it never left me feeling satisfied. Maybe it's because his "sorry's" were tied in with excuses. He could sense dissatisfaction in me and suggested I punish him. He wanted me to be mad at him for what he'd done to me that day, leaving me to explain once again that violence is never the answer, I was never mad, and all was forgiven.

We didn't speak for a while until he pointed out I wasn't being kinky enough. He shamed me for not wanting to be sadistic to which I said I'd alter if it made him feel better. This led to another one of his Melt Downs. Apparently he felt God awful for ruining my day and was so torn up about it, I had to console him! He went on and on about how he wanted the normal me back, how the old me was happy and now I had changed. When I got to my wits end I made a snappy remark about how I was trying to help him but he kept refusing it (keep in mind he TOLD me to remind him when he's not accepting my help). He shut up about all of his problems and acted like the victim of a crime, prompting me into a loop of apologies for not allowing him to be emotional yada yada. My apologies end the night and nothing else was said until the next morning where we acted like nothing happened.

#old convos 1 #old convos #ex #manipulative #december 1 #2017

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Bad Memory #2

One time in chorus class we were rehearsing a song. The director wanted us to hear a balanced sound to replicate, so he chose the best singers to come forward and sing the piece. I was part of this example group, but my then boyfriend was not. As we sang the piece for the choir I watched him leave the stage with his head down and fists clenched. After we finished I excused myself to the bathroom and followed him to his hiding place (which was conveniently the bathroom). I found him curled up crying in a bathroom stall and instead of even allowing me to help him, he lashed out. Instead of even being proud of my talent for a second, he lashed out. This was one of the first of many guilt trips he led me on. As I peered around the door watching him hide and claw at his face, I forced myself to apologize for my achievement. I was torn between conflicting emotions: anger and sorrow. Angry because I was guilted into sympathy and Sorrowful because I thought I had taken any sense of pride from him, like I had stomped on his talent with a wicked grin on my face. I realize now that he was the one stomping and I was the one allowing it to happen.

#bad memory #I have to see him everyday in chorus now #and whenever we catch eyes he glares and makes sure to make me feel like shit #bad memory 2

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Bad Memory #1

Before I started dating my now ex boyfriend, I had a crush on my best friend. Around the same time, he was in a serious 6 month relationship. When I began dating him, I felt the need to tell him everything, just like he'd done for me (he expressed suicidal tendencies and relationships with food). The wee crush I had on my then best friend was no exception to the over sharing. After speaking of these past feelings he grew very jealous. I could no longer hang out with that friend, especially by myself. Whenever we had a sleep over, which had become rare due to his intense possession of me, I had to talk to him for at least an hour beforehand or else he'd have a break down. He, on the other hand, could freely discuss his past crush which had also been a serious relationship. He would tell me of inside jokes they shared, all the fun things they used to do together, and even how their most passionate moments had played out. In the end, I lost all my friends (even the one closest to me) because I was too naive to spot the manipulation I was being subjected to everyday.

#bad memory #after i broke up with him #i hung out with my old best friend again #and i broke down #telling her of everything that had happened #i'm not sure if it was right #we were just rekindling our old friendship #but her support was priceless #she'll always hold a place in my heart #bad memory 1