userisms

[userisms]

*coughs*

#[ system:error » outofstunts ] #apparently life finds a way to lead me back here #pretty sure all the blogs i follow and that follow me are dead #will have to recalibrate things i guess

[userisms]

People are such shit and I’m tired of real life. Can I come back to roleplaying yet?

Okay in other words, guess who struggled the fuck with coming to terms with their mental illness? This mun, up, you guessed it. That’s what happens when your bro moves out, your grandmother’s pass away, once really amazeballs friends treat you like shit, a potentially awesome relationship turns into the worst fucking one ever and you just come crashing down into hysterics.

Thank god for my parents. I would be suffering without them.

Things are better now, more or less. Instead of working in customer service and having two part-time jobs I now only have the one that I was doing working for my dad, data entry, so that’s cool.

I’m taking meds for my anxiety, and have been since April. I’ve also been attending weekly counselling which has helped tremendously.

The culmination of all these positives did the same as the negatives, instead just a build up of positive, and I have a whole new perspective on life.

Except when a friend stops being your friend because they’re more or less a sociopath and/or bipolar and externalise everything and just stopped being your friend on the turn of a dime despite that fact that I made improvements from former disagreements/discussions but nope LMAO APPARENTLY SETTLING IN TO A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP IS GROUNDS TO THINK I’M JUST GONNA SLIP BACK INTO BEING TERRIBLE. Seriously, what the actual fuck does this person want from me? From anyone? God damn selfish pieces of shit. I abhor people like this to no end and I cannot believe in my adult life I did this dance again with people like that. When they fucking make their accounts and shit private when you haven’t even viewed them recently at all and also noticing your blocked? That’s when it’s even more fucked. What the fuck. Seriously. This chick is almost 25 and she’s acting like a twelve year-old looking for drama. So many problems with her that she will never get help with. And this is not someone I am bad mouthing because they did something unfair and bad to me. I have so much evidence to back all this up and she is just... UGH. Trust me. I don’t typically abhor people to this extent, if at all. People move on and grow different and all that jazz and I’m all for it. It’s life. But this is a whole ‘nother circus.

Oh, yes, and despite the horrible aforementioned relationship I had at the beginning of this year it thankfully prompted another amazing one. A wonderful Serbian/Croatian guy who’s the same age as my brother (almost exactly, which means two years older than me) and we’ll be going to Disneyland and celebrating four months together. We’re growing and changing a lot together as a couple and as individuals.

The relationship I had at the beginning of this year caused tenseness in the current one I’m in at one point, though. That’s what happens when you try and move on after two days of gaining closer from someone who broke your fucking heart but then comes back two months later still having feelings for you making things super fucking awkward and pressuring you into thinking you’re poly when you just wanted to try to be friends with them but they have so many crippling emotional issues they literally cannot talk to you without trying to manipulate you so you just have to tell them you wish them the best and that you respect them pushing you away even when you were concerned about them and wanting to help them when they were suicidal as fuck but LMAO NOPE.

Which is exactly why I am so disgusted with the people I have been surrounding myself with. I don’t have time for toxicity anymore. It’s not what’s going to help me continue climbing my mountain and getting even closer to being the best version of me I can become.

In other words this is me wanting to continue indulging myself in those former interests I had, writing, which even though I am an utter perfectionist I always enjoyed writing and I want to improve my outlook on my own writing and writing with others and having fun with it rather than being fearful or shy about it and just plain doing it. I need to get back into doing the things I love, since I left those behind too once my mental illness got the best of me.

#this is a long post #and is further more about why i've been gone even longer now #and this whole year so far as been exhausting and i just wanna come back

[userisms]

So, here’s what’s been going on lately under the cut:

It’s been a tough year. Around this time last year, my grandmother was in and out of the hospital (my dad’s mom), and continuously so until late spring as she was not exactly well enough to be out of the hospital but she wanted to be in her apartment. Her quality of life by then was just almost nothing. She ended up passing away from old age near the end of May after my dad took her to the hospital from her kidney’s failing. She had suffered through mini strokes before that, her mind was going in the direction of alzheimers/dementia (she had no short term memory whatsoever). She passed at 85, she would have been 86 this year. We were the only real family she had. Sometime in the spring we’re going to travel out to where she enjoyed most of her years growing up to spread her ashes.

During all of this year, my mom had been noticing a decline in her mother, who kept things hidden very well regarding her declining health. Thanksgiving was the last family dinner we had with her (I am Canadian so my Thanksgiving was at the beginning of October). A little more out of town family than usual was able to make it out, and when we all went around expressing what we were thankful for, my grandma, the matriarch of our family (of my mom’s side of the family of many people), was practically sobbing when she told us she was thankful for us as her family and all being able to make it out to be together and enjoy each others company. It’s as if she had known, talking to each of her daughters leading up to the day she passed, that she was exhausted by life, ready to go. We got a call from a neighbour at the apartment complex she had been living in for the past several years (she moved out of the large family home many of us grew up knowing so well) to say there were a couple of days worth of papers outside her door. My mom knew right away what that meant. My dad drove there (as we are the closest family members to where she lived, about five minutes) and he called us to confirm. She passed away November 11th in her sleep; the way she would want to have gone. She was 84.

In less than five months I lost both of my grandmothers. I lost of grandfather (my mom’s dad, as my dad’s father left when my dad was 18 months she he never knew him) when I was four. I lost my uncle (mom’s brother) when I was about ten. The only grief of a loved one I have felt the sheer magnitude of was my most recently lost grandmother. It’s thrown me through a loop. I was almost the only grandchild out of ten that didn’t cry, but during the service when they played the song I picked ("You’ll Be in My Heart" by Phil Collins) I couldn’t help it. The song encompassed her meaning in all of our lives perfectly. 

Now weeks later our sewage lines have been compromised by the hundred year old tree roots in our neighbours yard having crept their way into our property line. Of course, it was obviously bound to happen, but it’s the worst timing imaginable. The amount that it’s going to cost to excavate and replace the lines and everything is something my parents really don’t need/want to be spending the money on fixing. Basically we can’t flush toliet paper until it’s fixed and it’s just the most disgusting thing and that’s as TMI as I am getting. At least when they put a camera down in the area to take a gander at our issue, they found out that in front of our house on the street, the sewage line there had burst/broken, so the city fixed that today. I just wish that fixed our issue.

So basically life is throwing me a through a bunch of loops right now. There’s still lots of good, but this is just what’s been distracting me this year and recently. With all this loss, it’s making me feel so much closer to Sam’s character, which I couldn’t be more thankful for. At least I might be able to come back writing him a little more accurately than I did in the past.

I’ve seen Jeff Bridges (!!!), U2 and Roger Hodgson (on the 27th actually) in concert this year, and my inner Sam Flynn has been squeeing like a teenage girl for all of them! The Jeff Bridges concert tickets though, I have to say were my favourite because that was the last birthday present my grandmother bought for me (mom’s mom). The U2 tickets were a birthday present from my parents. Even though the concert was WAY too loud and everyone stood up the entire time despite there being seats, it was amazing to see them live. Roger Hodgson (lead singer of Supertramp in case you didn’t know) was probably this best one this year. Despite not knowing many of the songs lyrics 100% (since I mainly listen to the ones my dad played when I was little, at home and in the car on a burned CD) it was still AMAZING. He sounds exactly the same as he does recorded it’s great. Pretty sure my dad enjoyed the concert more than I did.

Anyway, thanks again for sticking around guys. When I get more caught up on real life stuff like word and homework (taking some online high school courses like Bio 11 and Pre-Calc that I couldn’t take in high school since I could only have four courses per semester and I’m just getting more experience under my belt before Uni) I’ll be back. I miss it so much, I miss you all so much, I need to get back into this. I love Sam so much I can’t throw him to the wayside any more.

Until then, guys!

#death tw #since i'm talking about my grandmothers #which i haven't done and it feels good to put it out there #but oh boy there's been a lot happening this year #bring on 2016 already i'm sick of 2015

[userisms]

wanting to rp is difficult when you feel 1000% inadequate.

wanting to rp and the only grandparent you had left passed away less than six months after the other and you just don’t know how to deal with the grief because you were so god damn fucking close with your grandmother, especially when you were little and have a shitton of memories flooding back through rn.  

#sorry guys #idek at this point what to do #i want to come back but i don;t #especially with what just happened in my life right now #i'm so sorry #tw death mention #death mention tw #tw death

[userisms]

The Son of Flynn (Moby Remix) or that sweet ass piano cover of The Son of Flynn for blog music?

#i need yo opinions guys #mostly because i can't decide and it would be weird to have my blog play two different versions of the same piece #excuse me having to link it to my blog bc idk know where it originally came from if it was the person who posted it on tumblr or not but yES

[userisms]

Okay, so, new theme (took me a while to find the right inspo for the background, and finding code I could use that I stumbled upon so amazing at this godforsaken hour here in good ol’ PST), but I still have to change A LOT. Like all the cool TRON-ish fonts and stuff I like to use as main fonts and just editing up little things, potentially getting my pop-up pages working again, and those sweet-ass hexagon update tab thingys. I have all the code of that that I added to my last theme, so it’s just a matter of slipping it all into place without messing everything up.

So, I should be more or less actually up in running in a week or so, depending on how well time management happens for me this week.

#yay fer me #i guess #idk it brings a sense of accomplishment #how i've missed sammy boy #and all y'all here 'cause you're seriously all cool af

[userisms]

HEY EVERYONE THAT’S STILL FOLLOWING ME FOR WHATEVER REASON BC INACTIVITY AND PEOPLE SEEING THIS IN THE TAGS YOU SHOULD CLICK THAT READMORE

so basically after recovering from tron 3 being slashed and having a grand ol’ time figuring out parts of my life (aka i know i wanna go to uni for geology now because i have loved that since grade 11 aka like four years now so yES just upgrading high school courses in the interim) and then seeing pan made me miss garrett’s face so fucking much and then. then... i went to comikaze this past weekend and wearing my quorra (out of grid, casual) cosplay and no one recognizing who i was dressed up as (to make matters worse i was even wearing a flynn lives shirt like what the fuck hOW DO YOU NOT KNOW) i just... wow. thinking about it before the weekend started and solidified during it...

i fucking miss sam. so much. so, so much. i was running around trying to be like “YES THIS NEW MUSE, THIS MUSE, ALL THE MUSES” and i never put all my focus on sam. now i want to. i want to be able to rp with everyone because holy shit this fandom. fucking amazeballs as heck.

... so, needless to say as i am reconstructing things (because duh, imma be changing my theme and throwing a new promo together because that’s what i do) i am back.

like. for reals. sam is my baby. i am so protective over him, and he’s just. he’s my most beloved character in my roleplay arsenal and i just want to spill all my rp focus into him for once.

#tron rp #tron roleplay #tron legacy rp #tron #tron legacy #YUP #YEAH I WANT TO BE BACK #i rp on another site right now too #but that's with an oc pacrim character who i created EONS ago aka three years ago #but that's it #no other tumblr distractions #but god damn i miss sam #MY BBY FLYNN

[userisms]

i was just a kid            & all i really w a n t e d                      was my  f a t h e r 

#[ system:load » user calibration ] #[ system:load » ooc: lays down and tries not to cry #cries a lot ]

[userisms]

OUTOFSTUNTS »

First (almost) full light up.

#[ system:error » mun trash ] #[ system:load » ooc: i am so sorry for all the out of character but here have a cosplay related thing of me #the right arm band doesn't light up yet and i'm holding a piece of the tape because it peeled off and my dad has been rewiring everything #this is the first cosplay i've done where i've had to have someone dress me omfg why did i spend $500 on this #my dad and i would have had an exceptionally easier time making something from scratch #that's it my next tron cosplay will be castor i will learn how to sew just to make that suit ]

[userisms]

                                          OUTOFSTUNTS »

                  New theme guys! 

Hours trying to perfect a decent background on Photoshop, even more with the HTML. Hopefully this sparks my muse some more! [/hits Sam muse]

Edit: Also fuck you Tumblr. Just because I deleted posts to test out shit on my new blog you’re gonna make me wait another long two weeks? This is just bullshit I am so done with this holy heck.

#[ system:error » outofstunts ] #[ system:load » ooc: i think i'm going to go onto my other blog and start it up #maybe that will help me with my writing as a whole and actually feel like i can tackle any drafts as any character #idk but i will be back and forth regardless ]

[userisms]

QUORRA

     "He’s not only that, Sam."

     Those bright, otherworldly eyes had at last flitted away from the ocean spanning out before them. "He lives on in you, too." She offered him a tender smile, though her glance did fleet lower and she ran her fingers through the cooling sand. 

     ”I was with him for many, many cycles. I can see parts of him in you. You’ve got his hands.” As she said it, she slid her hand through those soft grains to find his. ”Sometimes, you even sound like him.”

       « Well, you sound like Alan. »

         That kosher grin he projected morphed his entire expression, but was easily lost within seconds of retaining her refute. « Everyday after he disappeared, he never forgot to remind me of that. When I decided I wasn’t going to devote any more energy to a sense of hope that he’d come back, it turned into how much I was — and am — like him. Apparently. » His attention lingered at their touch, fingers falling through the lissome spaces between hers. The light dusting of granules that clung to their hands grinded together, assuaging his nostalgia to reveal something that remained on the cusp of childhood recollection with the rest of the pieces that lay incomplete.

      « With you, I feel like I have a connection to him that’s a little less fragmented — especially when you say stuff like that. » He was rarely one allow the emotions he deemed illicit to bubble up in these spurts that gave leeway to what existed at the core. Ever since the Grid with that synchronized deer in the headlights stance, choking out the words that were more difficult to muster than a stoic face in the surreal reunion, well, it inaugurated what was still an ongoing alteration.

      « He used to take me here all the time. » The sun teetered on the edge of the horizon now creating an eclipsing gradient between twilight and night, stars puncturing the darker half of the the sky. He was likely to tuck this evening in the back of his mind and save the brightness of the memory for a rainy day. Sam released his grip from her hand. « Usually it was during low tide, though, skipping rocks... »

#profoundlynaive #[ system:load » ooc: omfg same though also aw look at this fluffy goodness #i seriously think my sam muse needed this more than i thought like don't stop Q make him talk about his feelings #so he can gain closure and move on and not be so emotionally stunted and sad all the time uGH *falls on floor* ] #[ loading » v:changing the world ]

[userisms]

#[ system:load » the son of flynn ] #[ system:load » user archives ] #[ system:load » ooc: i am definitely working on drafts and trying to reestablish connections with this muse #disappearing for those fews months did some real damage there #it's getting there though slowly but surely #i have to do work at home though and then find some time to make sure i clean up my leia wig for eccc because that's in 2 weeks ]

[userisms]

       He takes the brat comment with a grain of salt. The sheer multitude of        assumptions based around it thrown his way or whispered in passing        was countless at this point. His lips pull into a tight line when he takes        a moment to check his inbox. The number teetered well over whatever        the average amount was considered to be. He excepts nothing less.        Alan enjoys reminding him how much of his father he possess in him;        until now he scoffed at the comment. Perhaps running off to the Grid        was in the cards next for him. Sam rises from his chair only to rest up        against the side of his desk. As professional as he proclaims himself to        be, the CEO title slapped on his forehead proves a ceaseless bout of        unease he unwillingly hinges himself to each day he steps foot over the        threshold in his current line of sight.

                        « It's evident I swooped in here and pulled the                                 rug out from everyone's feet at the wrong time. »

       Only a small shred of the tenseness between them existed upon the annual        prank and stunt that fiddled with OS-12's release, considering Dillinger's        position as lead programmer. He unbuttons his suit jacket to allow his arms        to cross over his chest before a momentary gaze locks with Edward's.

                        « I just want this company to remember the                                 morals it was founded upon — both our names                                 don't exactly provide the greatest track record to                                 constitute that, though. »

       If he's going to go as far as admitting his own connection with lineage faults,        there was no way he wasn't going to pull Edward down with him, despite        everyone's willingness to forgive and forget what Edward Dillinger Sr.        'accomplished' prior to 1982. The topic required altering regardless.

       His amusement falls away pretty quickly. As much as it brings him        joy to watch his, so-called, boss succumb to the frustration that        comes with actually running a company, his attitude about things        quickly drops his mood. Because, truth be told, he’s there for a        reason. Not simply for the amusement. He’s tired of being ignored.        Tired of his ideas being tossed in the trash. It’s getting painfully        difficult to keep this up little game. This stupid rivalry of theirs is        only costing them.

                        ❝ Well I wouldn’t have to come all the                           way over here if someone wasn’t ignoring                           my e-mails. ❞

       Well, he would have come anyways. Just for the fun in it. But that        fun had long since faded into inevitable frustration. Honestly he was        surprised the papers were still on the desk and not scattered on the        floor. But where they were didn’t matter. They were going to end up        in the waste anyways. 

       Edward managed to hold his tongue a bit longer, wanting so badly to        pull the other man over the desk and settle this. But he was better than        that. He wouldn’t give Sam the satisfaction of firing him. Instead, he put        on a smirk and spoke. 

                        ❝ It would also help if you weren’t such a                           selfish little brat and actually listened when                           their lead programmer has good ideas. ❞

#encomiisms #[ system:load » ooc: YOU ARE SO NOT TRASH SERIOUSLY you could not be farther from it #you are 1000% believable as dillinger don't even question it because you are spot on #I AM SO GLAD FOR THAT TOO because for reals these two i mean whoa brought the realness in with the last thing there idek #*kermit the frog arm flail* ]

[userisms]

#[ system:load » the son of flynn ] #[ system:load » ooc: *coughs*LOSER*coughs* but no really i may actually get to meet him it will be weird and amazing all at once #and unfortunately i will probably rub it all in your faces if it does happen so i am so sorry in advance #I WORKED ON A NEW THEME THIS EVENING IT TOOK ME HOURS but i am waiting to unveil it until i get through more drafts #i attempted them tonight but i was very unsuccessful and could not form words for the life of me #if i don't get any done tomorrow you can all unfollow me because it will mean i am even more trash than i claim to be ]

[userisms]

#[ system:load » user archives ] #[ system:load » the son of flynn ] #[ system:load » the miracle ] #[ system:load » ooc: i am seriously crying that tron 3 is heading back to vancouver to be filmed YOU GUYS DON'T REALIZE IT AND IT HURTS #THEY ARE FILMING WHERE I LIVE I USED TO TRAVEL ACROSS THIS BRIDGE TO GO TO WORK #THEY WILL BE IN MY TOWN AGAIN hopefully with less grid stuff so you see more of vancity #everything is basically filmed here yet i've only ever met seth gabel so i am bound and determined ESPECIALLY IF SOMEHOW THERE'S SOMETHING #WITH KEVIN FLYNN THAT WOULD MEAN JEFF BRIDGES WOULD BE IN VANCOUVER #I COULD MEET JEFF BRIDGES don't even get me started on how much he means to me oh boy ]

[userisms]

I can assure you guys TRON 3 is really happening!

I was skeptical at first myself, trust me.

They'll be filming in Vancouver again, as news sites (Vancity Buzz for example) for Vancouver have confirmed it and I am beyond stoked.

Because. I could meet. Garrett Hedlund. I COULD MEET THE BAE.

I just hope they don't decide last minute to take production elsewhere like Fantastic Four did.

Needless to say, because of this news, my muse is back and ready for conquering those drafts!

#[ system:error » outofstunts ] #[ system:load » ooc: seriously this is the best news because i thought i was dreaming #a sequel i want is really happening and it's filming where i live again oh my goodness! #hooray for exciting news to help lift my short hiatus! ]

[userisms]

                                           OUTOFSTUNTS »

           I'm without inspiration to get through my drafts, but have a Quorra makeup test instead!

I did a makeup test for my Quorra cosplay finally! My acne dissipated to a level that I felt comfortable slapping some foundation on it for a couple of hours. I actually have not worn any concealer or anything since the end of November 2014, which for someone who has had extremely acne prone skin for six plus years was a pretty big deal. I'm very used to myself without makeup because of that. Now I get laser treatments on my face and after this many years, something seems to be doing, well, something.

Let's get back to what's important, though. Okay, here's a general warning: the wig I received with the rest of the bad costume I paid way too much money for (if you didn't read my previous post regarding how livid I was with it, ask me) the wig was not cut properly. The bangs were cut correctly, short starting on the right and gradually getting longer at the left, but the longer side of this asymmetrical bob on this wig was on the right side and not the left. What a hacked job, gah! I have to get this fixed, or get a different wig to be cut and styled.

Here's a before picture (most of those red spots are scars, except for the two by the bridge of my nose):

Look at dem hazel eyes. The contacts I get do wonders to change that, which is frackin' amazeballs:

HONESTLY WOW THIS IS ME? IT ME? It's still tough to cover those acne scars, but man I was impressed on how my lack of makeup skills somehow landed me to look well... good? Like everyone I obviously possess low self-confidence; well, this was a real booster. This is why I love cosplay. It gives me this unbelievable sense of confidence that nothing else has given me, also allowing me to express my love for all my crazy little fandoms.

But you'll still never see my smilin' with me teeth. Feels great to do a dream cosplay like this! I'm still minus some killer false lashes and white "clown" makeup to make me (even) paler, but this is what I have so far. HOPE YOU ALL ENJOY THIS.

#[ system:error » outofstunts ] #[ system:error » mun trash ] #[ system:load » ooc: there's only one horrid photo of me and it's just to display a decent before and after #i like sharing unnecessary things about myself especially cosplay #SO TAKE A GANDER YEAH? ]