toyyy80

[toyyy80]

Dear mum,

The forever one sided conversation.

Do you hate me? Is there something I said or did to cause this? you say you love me sometimes yet only mere seconds later you change your mind and wish that I didn’t exist. Do you love my brother because you don’t talk or act like you do? you fight all day long you kick him out and say horrible things. you twist things no other people would consider insults into degrading comments you claim those whose beliefs that differ from yours are evil and need to change to fit your mold. I am afraid you will treat me like him if I tell you what I believe so I put up this ruse that I agree with you 24/7 sometimes I break and i'll tell you what I believe or let it slip and your whole face changes and begin to yell and say horrible things to which I often yell back.

Do you remember when he was mugged? or when I was kidnapped? Irrelevant as it may sound when this happened my body felt frozen over. I couldn’t move by my own free will. Maybe I did move but it didn’t feel as if I was the one doing this I felt almost possessed. I often feel this in our arguments. What it means I don’t know. it’s scary and I know you will never listen to my pleas but please stop screaming if not for my sanity then maybe for everyone’s ears.

Honestly, do you believe me to be a robot? Why do you believe me to not cry? Why is it when I cry you call them crocodile tears? You say I'm acting but do you truly believe me to be that talented? You say I cry to manipulate you yet when I don’t show my emotions and maintain all the composure I can muster I am stonewalling you and am the reason for your suicidal thoughts. Why do you claim to want to kill yourself whenever I disagree? Why did you hold a knife to your stomach claiming I am the reason for your death because I ate a bagel?

You say im anorectic you say that I must eat and I must go downstairs yet you fail to see why I do not go downstairs the fact the kitchen reminds me of your attempted suicide. the door reminds me of all those fights between you and dad and now you and my brother. when he went missing and the desire to leave and run away I have felt the need to do it many times and the feeling of standing outside shoeless without contact to anyone and practicly naked making my journey to my dads as quick as possible hopeing im going to be able stay with him. the sinking feeling of returning and knocking on not knowing how you feel that day leaving the feeling that you may start a fight any second. the living room reminds me of sitting with star and squeak and relaxing only to have you run in fighting with someone and you waving a machete/ax/hammer or some other dangerous weapon while yelling bloody murder. the kitchen doors remind me of you walking in angry and screaming at me it reminds me of hiding on Christmas morning because you and dad were fighting making me never claim christmas a happy day it reminds me of when you destroyed my stuff to teach me a lesson, burning it in the back garden and snapping my phone's in half to stop me calling the police and the times when you would rant about how much someone I love is evil. the hallways remind me of the feeling of you chasing me and tackling me to the ground and the feeling of being utterly powerless against your attacks.

 Hell, the entire house reminds me of these horrible moments the bathroom reminds me of when you suffocated me and wrestled me down leaving bruises all over my legs arms, and back so you could delete a recording of you saying how much you hate me off my phone, it reminds me of wanting to kill myself as I hear screaming outside and always hiding in the unlockable backroom back to the floor for hours hopeing to avoid getting kicked out never knowing when I would be able to return home.to avoid the shame of being unable to go home. the doorway to your room reminds me of you dragging me twisting my ankle then saying you didn’t hurt me despite i couldnt walk for months and stumbled and hoped everywhere and I am a no-good lier it reminds me of all the times that I’ve snuck in your room to try and find my phone to either call the police or call anyone to help and to run and leave. The stairs remind me of all the times you’ve tried to push me down. They remind me of sitting and waiting to see the outcomes of fights or running right back up to my room because I see you in a bad mood. his room reminds me of walking into a screaming match. It reminds me of realizing he is gone.that he me left alone and unprotected. Hell, my room reminds me of being forced to lie on the floor crying as i watch as you destroy my stuff it reminds me of all the times I feel as if you are going to kill me properly this time .it reminds me of the time you destroyed my floorboard with a chair right just inches away from my head, rolling and avoiding the shot after saying you hated me and  I am selfish and I am going to drive you to suicide you still have that chair, it was mine, i painted it, my joy, you can still see the damage on it.. 

Sometimes i wonder if i staved myself for a sebilance of control and stability, or its something more silly. I suppose I just got used to not eating.after you would leave for weeks on end with absolutely no warning so you could go to parties and festivals and do the most horrific things,as we were left with no money to buy food, nothing left in the house and the four of us kids begging him for food, Jim eating a packet of crisps as I sat there hoping.

Why do I want to see you despite being scared and hating you? Why do I miss you yet not wanna see you for reasons even I don’t understand.

Why do you lie? You always twist my own words and opinions to me, my family, and your friends who nod along to every word you say. you lie to me about events in which I was there, police reports of the bruises and broken bones and I think I remember I know you're wrong so much, that sometimes I question my memory and sanity.

Maybe it's Panic attacks? I don’t know how to explain the feeling of my entire body shaking and I can’t exactly feel my limbs but I can feel my nerves? I guess not being able to move yet moving in a way? Almost freezing up and I can’t control it but I can? I have mentioned this before but I just want to understand.

Mum, you had a panic attack once in front of me midway through a fight do you remember?  You told me I was a failure and you were going to kill yourself and I was so worried I followed you then sat down you and started screaming or wailing? I began panicking and called the cops or at least tried then you suddenly stopped screaming and threw the phone across the room . Do you remember that? After you screamed that you were having a panic attack you said I was crazy I don’t know if you remember that but I do I remember it down to the sounds and your facial expression from the numbing of my knees to the heavy pain in my eyes and the shaking I felt and still feel everytime I think of it. I don’t want to remember. I mean it’s not nice but I hope you remember as well so i'm not alone in that.

Do you remember when you kicked  out?it certainly wasn't the first time I was so numb to it by then but its the first i didnt completely block out, you had kicked us both to the streets for as long as I can remember, but this time was different. I remember it so well,I must have been 9 at the time? At first, it was no big deal to me. I am so used to heng you fight. 

Do you remember how you kicked him out? I was begging you not to. I remember the moment I realized he would have to walk across the dangerous parts of town in the dead of night an boy only 11 walking several mile mission. I remember worrying if he was alive sitting on the stairs waiting. I remember thinking that if he died I would as well. When we saw him again I felt so lucky and I still feel grateful to that old lady who saved him.do you even remember that ,a little kid, had walked all through the toughest parts of town shoeless in one of the dodgiest places. Do you remember that because I know he does it doesn’t seem like you remember you passing insults and comments that I know affect him. I've been there while his strong demeanor breaks and he cries because of that.its hard to believe someone so brave and strong like him is capable of breaking like that.

Do you remember when he was mugged? He was so scared and brave and managed to get out of there I remember watching in fear unable to move I remember heng him say they have a gun as we ran away did you know since then  is afraid of the streets at night you should see his face when youd send us kids to run your errands in the dead of night his eyes darting in every direction I worry about him.

On the topic of  do you remember when he tried to kill himself? He’s tried so many times but the one I always wanted to ask you about was the one that happened just down our street you two had just been fighting.  ran down to the motorway and tried to jump out into the road I was crying using all my strength to keep him on the pavement as he begged me to let go which I of course never did.do you remember what you did you stood just a couple of feet away from us yelling that he was faking it and saying that I should let him run out and he deserved it do you remember doing it your face was so calm so true at the time I remember you later saying you meant it. Do you still?

I don’t remember what happened after that happened very well but I remember I never did sigh a sigh of relief. I know I never did tell you but that was around the time  started saying that I was the only reason he stayed in this family and he would have killed himself a long time ago without me. That hurt to be honest because I never want  to die yet he would if I do. And unfortunately, mum, I want to die.i don't think I want to stop living, I love life I just never want to live the life I have, I want so desperately to change the life I have.

For as long as I can remember you have wished to die because of your childhood because of my dad but most of all me and  you say this so much I know it’s true it has to be true. you say it when you confide in me and every time you’re angry or having a mental breakdown (which let's be honest is often) you sometimes say things such as I wish you were never born and you’ve been corrupted which hurts I hate every time you say that I know s has grown numb to your words and the pain and perhaps I have as well but can you please stop saying it although it might be too late as in my head your words echo whenever they so desire.

It like im out with friends and we’re having fun and then boom I suddenly hear you screaming it at me I remember the events of my life as if I am living through it all over again then suddenly I am thrown into this bad mood and have to start acting to them that im still in a good mood.it luckily doesn’t happen often but when it does it fucking sucks.i got told I appear to just stare on the outside, one of my friends said it's positively terrifying but I'm glad it isn't so obvious, I would hate to worry everyone or make a fool of myself for not being stronger.

Why do you think I don't have trauma?

Why have you never considered that I might be suicidal?

Do you really think ive never tried?

I know I will never admit it aloud that I'm depressed and suicidal and a little bit fucked up all around  however against all I wish I am so please stop talking to me as if i'm the perfect one.as if I'm the only one in my family who's never suffered.

Maybe I would tell you but to be honest I don't really remember I wonder why?

Hey mum we haven't talked in a while,

I haven't seen you in months and heard from you in weeks.

I wonder what you're doing. I worry everyday that you may just leave this world and the last thing I said was sorry.

While we have been apart I've been thinking of some memories we share.

Such as the weekend that huw williams went missing you spent the entire time leaning on me for support telling me things I did not want or need to know telling horrific things from your childhood.

You did this for two days in a row. No sleep, no breaks for food or the toilet.

You traped me on your bed as you both seeked guidance and to put my life experiences down you spoke as if I am so fucking perfect and the few times you did speak on anyone but yourself.

You said I would have been killed in the holocaust then laughed about how you wouldve lived and they would have liked you.

I chose to return from my escape of 13, to try and support you and I never complained, I never said it was too much. I never let my tears fall. I braved it for you.i canceled my life plans for you at every turn I wanted to be a good daughter, maybe fix you and smoothen out your rough sides.

So why when I needed to just leave to go to school after days if missing it did you start yelling at me.

Why did you start to call me uncng saying I never supported you why did you start saying I am selfish and that I am just like my dad.

But what got me most was how you phased the nights before saying that you were comforting me that you were the one who listens to my problems when you don't even know my problems. You said I need to be more like you. But all you do is run around acting like you help with all of everyone's problems but you never help you just diagnose everyone like you're an expert.

Hugs there are kinda complicated to me. I used to love to just hug everyone regardless of what's going on but within the last couple of years i've been pretty scared of your hugs I mean sometimes you straight up tackle me to the ground in the middle of a fight after you calmly ask for a hug and tbh I don't trust you I feel as though you may just slam me into a wall again.but I know you get very hurt when I say I don't want to hug you so I will suck up my feelings and hug you but please stop attacking me in the middle of a hug.

I'm trying to trust people again, trying to go back to the hugs that once brought comfort it's a slow journey, but I feel improvement.i still don't know if I trust you but maybe one day I can hug you and feel loved like I've always dreamed.

 Say one word a simple hi  then you say 282 words each one trying to bring me down in an more insulting hurtful and degrading way then the last. Hurdling hundreds of messages sent my way that you delete within the hour, calling scream down the phone wether laughter or crying or angry, is often inditiciseable.

You cridicise everything from my friends to my words and somethimes my fucking face and my weight how ugly my body is.

Then you ask why I never say hi why I never want to even talk to you with more and more insults the more I take it.

To be honest I hold my tongue to you I can't say the words I wish I could say I wish I could show you that i'm not the only one who can speak with pure venom in my tongue but I don't because I know how much it hurts to hate yourself due to the words that your own flesh and blood say. And im frankly scared.

I've not seen you in months now. I hope soon I will not stay awake till the early hours feng you. says we might see you today and ever since I've been sick to the stomach.

I almost convinced myself you managed to get into my dad's house and was in my room earlier. It's kinda what set me up tonight. Maybe I am crazy.

I think I've had enough….sorry

So you were recently imprisoned.

They haven't quite locked you up for good but there trying they have searched the house called it a "scene" kicked out animals to the curb.

 interviewed me and  with question after question about hue.All to figure out if you killed him in cold blood.now personally I think you are innocent but a small voice in my head is asking did you do it? It's not like you've never tried to kill someone, not like I've never seen someone die.

What happened that night? Where did he go, did he leave on his own or did you do something?

I just wish I knew what happened.

I wish I could understand you, your sweet words enticing me to be tricked into your trap, forced to calmly and maturely not cause a fight when every word you say is loaded to trigger a fight, to trigger you making yourself mad. And only one person doesn't lose and that's you, all those around however.

It's been a long time now. Each time we speak you guiltrip me, attempt to swindle me into believing the lies you carefully weave together.

When I say what you've done, the look of horror in peoples faces will never cease to surprise me with how normal you make it seem, when the simple stories I find funny lends to someone's suffering I don't know what to think or say, to comfort them or my younger self? 

I see children so pure and innocent, there eyes shine with so much love for the world, I just want to protect them and keep them happy and safe. How did you do the things you did to someone so small, someone so young. Why did you dominate your strength and your power over something so frail?

Young kids with there big naive eyes, are so sweet, so innocent i cant imagine wishing to hurt them

Why do you still insist I deserved it, was I really that bad? I just wanted to be loved by my mother. To have a happy life. I love you so much it just hurts, your cookies you’d cook at three in the morning while smoking weed, they were absoluely devine, the love you showed lexi, you know she really looked up to you, and the way youd curse her mum out for the very sins you commit, your devotion to animals, knowlede of plants, as youd guide me through the world of animals and plants, the way youd always try your hardest to be loved, the way youd cry when i made you food, as i gave you silly little gifts, when you felt loved, i feel great sympathy for your struggle, your mental health is not something id wish on my worst enemy, your parents fucking abused you and you had two kids and a shit realationship at such a young age. You royaly fucked up on so many levels, but i can see the effort. We both just wanted to be loved my our mothers.

 Love you, your bugs

#hot mommy #childhood truama #truamacore #personal rant #rant post #sorry for the rant